A Balm for Social Failure
by uberneko-zero
Summary: L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction- his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion. Yaoi. -some violence & slight non-con-
1. The Dynamics of Failure

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 1: The Dynamics of Failure)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** Characters are the property of the writer Tsugumi Ohba and illustrator Takeshi Obata. There may be a few original characters within the scope of the fic - those'll be mine, as is the plot. (I think we all know which elements are from the original story.)

**A/N:** This chapter starts out with the internal ramblings of L just before all the 'live' action stuff starts up. Bear with him. He is not all doom and gloom :)

* * *

Prologue:

Albert Einstein once said, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting _different results._"

L was not insane, not by any stretch of the imagination. He varied every experiment, every test of logic, even if by infinitesimal degrees.

It has also been said that, "Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans."

L bit the side of his thumb and chewed, a frown marring his contemplative expression. _A fool then_, he thought. _I am a genius and a fool.  
_

Chapter 1:

People are so tiresome... Useless little land mines - sources of self doubt and analysis. They offer nothing of value outside of their roles as keepers of the information I must ferret out to complete the latest puzzle. The latest case.

They are as lifelike dolls, trained to know a few things, but ultimately the space inside, the minds inside are hollow. They offer nothing but a waste of time as I mull over my inability to apply my intellect to successfully blending into their social matrix and gaining their acceptance. I am not perceived as 'normal', nor will I gain that attribute in their eyes as they continually identify me as an outsider almost on sight. Blind in other regards, it is with almost animal efficiency that they can test the air and sense I am different from them.

Normal. How does one portray normalcy as an empty doll? How does one fake it?

No. It may be impossible for me. And yet I worry at it. I've cataloged the exercise as a waste of time, and yet I cannot seem to escape my endless musings.

_Social Interaction_... I despise failure, and yet I fail at this.

It drives me to try, to test out new methods, different approaches, revised maskings of my persona, but ultimately, I yield the same depressing result.

It galls me.

I watch them, the teeming mass of humanity, as if I am on a different plane. I am cut off from them just as surely as they cut themselves off from me. I am in color, they in black and white. I watch them, much like children watch ant farms, and I wonder. I wonder how, why, in their inept scrabblings, is it that they have so much more to wring from life?

I have my mind, yes. But even the ceaseless flow of requests for help pouring in to "Eraldo Coil", "L" and "Deneuve" are not enough to fully distract me. I feel dissatisfied. As if there is something missing. This feeling only intensified as I began work on the most intriguing and challenging case in any of my three careers and, as necessity dictated, for the first time, personal involvement.

--

L worked fixedly on the slowly melting piece of caramel in his mouth and tried to decide how to initiate his next course of action. The three suited men seated before him, brought in as liaisons to the current case, blathered on in an energized though exceedingly boring fashion. They went through their paces of elementary deduction, thrilling to each others brilliance at brainstorming while L fought the urge to roll his eyes or fall asleep. The latter was a greater feat. So, if nothing else, they could be commending on their outstanding ability to lull a chronic insomniac into rest.

He chewed through the resilient, sticky lump of golden-brown confection with determination, wondering if he should perhaps tape this session to use later, if by chance he actually wanted to sleep and couldn't manage it alone. It had happened before, though typically, he was content to lapse into unconsciousness wherever he was until a few hours rest revived him. In that respect he was almost like a thing fueled with stored electricity. He ran until the power gave out and everything shut down just long enough to for his reserves to renew their energy and get him back online.

He'd developed amazing poise. He could balance on the edge of his toes, hovering over a keyboard, and fall asleep mid ponder- only to awake with a solution or a theory which he would find himself typing as he came to. He was rather proud of that ability, that mental stamina, but it was just that sort of thing that most people would think he was strange. To his point of view, skills like that should be deemed impressive, not freakish. But even the stalwart Watari had been on the giving end of a few looks of that caliber.

Finishing the sweet just enough to be able to make mostly recognizable speech, L spoke. "Gentleman. Your summations are correct, insofar as your first conjectures..." _Seeing as I all but laid that information out at your feet 2 hours ago._ L pained himself to be tactful with his under-gifted comrades. "However, I have given much thought to the matter..." As expected, his forthright speech, gently correcting their misconceptions, and steering them back on course was met partially with confusion, as if they couldn't follow the simple logic, and largely with veiled resentment.

He completed his discourse as succinctly as possible, not wanting to draw out the uncomfortable feeling that was beginning to pervade the room. He reached for another caramel, popping it into his mouth, followed by two others, removing his ability, and their expectation, for him to speak further. One man, in the navy blue suit - he hated navy blue - looked perplexed. The other two, grey and black respectively, looked mildly disgusted and disdainful. He widened his eyes and chewed at them, knowing he'd done his part, and wanting them to leave as expediently as possible. He felt an intense desire to reclaim his solitude and not have to endure such trifling intellect. It was making his mind slow to alarming levels just trying to communicate with them. Watari would take care of the rest. Watari always did.

Blue suit was significantly younger than the other two, and it was he who lingered a moment as they made their exit.

He said nothing, merely pausing at the door and pinning L with such a look that made L wonder if that head was not as empty as he expected, only less intellectually gifted. It was not a friendly look, nor was it aggressive or mean. It was an invasive look, however, and it was unwelcome. L grabbed a small, chocolate coated cake donut and shoved it in his mouth, simultaneously shutting out all traces of thought and emotion from not only his face but his eyes as well. People hated that look. And while he was stuffing his head, it probably served to make him look like a mindless, flat-eyed frog.

The other young man's eyes sharpened a touch, making L regret the last donut and the second that he'd started, the junk food roiling in his stomach uncomfortably. Then he was gone, leaving L to contemplate his O.C.D. habit of plying awkward social interactions with enough junk food to make an army of snot-nosed, sugar-greedy children throw their guts up in repentance.

--

"L-"

"_Ryuuzaki_," L corrected absently. He was fighting the urge to sweeten his tea with gumdrops again, good as that was, as the last instance was met with less than favorable responses.

"Ryuuzaki-san," the dark haired police officer amended, "I think it is safe to say that the killer is _not_ going to be-"

"Mogi-san," L sighed, "I am well aware of how unlikely _you_ find this to be, but I assure you that ruling out an entire demographic due to perceived innocence, the result of stereotyping at its best, is a grievous mistake."

"But I don't think it could be a student either, Ryuuzaki-san," Matsuda piped up.

L hung his head to mask his irritation. Now that the bumbling fool of the group has affirmed such insipid logic with his seal of approval, who was _L_ to question it? L was only a conglomeration of the three greatest detectives in the world to date. What did _he_ know? He grabbed a handful of brightly colored jellybeans out of a nearby bowl and proceeded to bite into them like they were the heads of his devastatingly intelligent comrades. Orange. Matsuda. He bit through three of those at a time. Purple and black. Mogi.

"Ryuuzaki," The police chief started appeasingly. "I know we are all frustrated about this case, but you have to realize why it seems ludicrous for a student to have the mentality, and the funding to be an international serial killer. Even more so if he or she is the mastermind behind a ring of individual murderers."

L nodded and sullenly bit into a green. Yagami could be green. Green was a favorable color. He was still annoyed, but Yagami-san eased that mood somewhat as he seemed to have the highest ratio of brain cells devoted to higher functions and could apply them to logic that was not utterly painful for L to endure. At least he backed up his statements with well thought out arguments instead of flinging loose "what ifs" every which way.

"Be that as it may, Yagami-san," L nibbled on another green, "it is also foolhardy to banish the possibility merely because it is not as likely."

"Well... that is a good point," Matsuda drawled infuriatingly in his high pitched, go-get-'em voice. "Don't you think so, Mogi-san?"

L crunched through 5 orange jellybeans in quick succession followed by three yellows. Matsuda was definitely a yellow as well. All sunshiny and vile.

"I suppose he has a point," Mogi conceded grudgingly. _Gods above,_ L thought. _The smartest person in the room has a point. Why do you morons think your superiors wanted me on the case in the first place? _Matsuda beamed at Mogi, nodding his head vigorously, overflowing with the satisfaction he gained in bringing them all together.

The combined taste of yellow, orange, black and purple was horrid enough to make even L slow his chewing to a mechanical process colored with distaste. He swallowed with some difficulty.

"Yagami-san," L said quietly, giving up and dropping the last of his jellybeans into his cooling tea. The police chief looked up, trying to appear attentive although he seemed to be struggling with disgust as L stirred and sipped his concoction. "Yagami-san?"

Yagami looked up, shaking his head slightly to dispel his lack of focus. "Yes, Ryuuzaki?"

"I hear you have a son."

"I do indeed. Why do you ask?"

"And he is at the top of his grade?"

"Why - yes, he is, but-"

"Not only that, he has ranked in the top percentile on tests internationally," L said. No longer a questioning tone. Yagami picked up on that right away, that L was not actually questioning him, but verifying information which would in turn lead them into the conversation they were about to have.

"Ryuuzaki, I fail to see the importance of -"

"Yagami-san," L interrupted. "My ways may be foreign to you, but I assure you that I do nothing without forethought." He paused. Yagami reluctantly nodded. "I researched your son upon hearing about his involvement with several of your own cases, as well as his success rate at solving those cases, and I have come to a decision."

"And what might that... be.." the police chief trailed off as he watched L dunk a large piece of angel food cake into his tea. The liquid was low enough now that L was able to scoop out a few jellybeans with it.

L took that horrifying bite and rolled it around his mouth with his tongue thoughtfully. As he swallowed, he noticed the distinctly disapproving look on Yagami's face and felt somewhat cowed. Strange, but he actually looked up to Yagami in a way. He seemed the type that would make an excellent father, and L found himself wanting to curb his erratic behavior enough to quell those looks of resigned tolerance. "I would like to meet your son."

L took another bite of cake, admitting, to himself at least, that the jellybeans may be a bit over the top.

--

The feel of canvas on his feet was almost unbearable.

L wanted nothing more than to shuck them off and fling them at the head of the assembly director for being so monotonously BORING. But he couldn't. He was trying to blend in.

In addition, he was stalking Yagami junior, in an effort to observe him in his natural environment.

He did indeed wish to make the acquaintance of the chief's son, but on what terms, he was, as of yet, unsure. In an effort to amuse himself, he had entertained the thought of such a brilliant student - well known to the authorities and generally seen as one of their own - as being a suspect in the new case. The idea was scintillating. Though at the moment, that path of thought was motivated by nothing but a whim. In all likelihood, he would be meeting the son in order to offer him a chance to work on the case.

With naught but the dregs of the police force to assist him, the pooled brainpower of the case's task force was frightfully low. But Yagami-san's use of his brain, coupled with his son's astonishingly perfect national test scores gave him hope that the chief's offspring might actually wield a promisingly formidable intellect.

L scrunched into his chair, frowning at the uncomfortable position he was forced to take in order to not draw attention to himself. It was with effort that his feet remained planted on the floor.

_Light Yagami_.

His given name would prove to be the ultimate irony if he were indeed a suspect in the Kira case.

L wiggled his toes in expectation, failing to hear the voice to his left that buzzed insistently like a fattened bottle fly. Well, failed to hear the words. He was good at tuning things out.

A touch on his arm broke his concentration.

He looked over with wide eyes, a little taken aback at being touched. "Yes?"

"I said, 'are you new around here'?" repeated the dark-haired student who had decided to occupy the seat next to him.

L peered at them, and was perplexed to find that determining the gender was nigh impossible. Almost everything about them was completely androgynous. Blue-grey eyes stared back at him patiently, ringed by eyeliner and colored mascara. L started to think 'girl', but then they would be rather flat for a female.

"I am new, yes," he offered, deciding to attempt a social interaction exercise while waiting for the appearance of Light. Maybe it would warm him up so he didn't botch his exchange later.

The student smiled at him engagingly, and that tentative, bold hand was back on his arm again. "Forgive me for saying this, but... you are the most interesting looking person..."

L felt perplexed. "In what way?"

"I pegged you for a goth at first... That dark, messy hair and those large dark eyes and pale skin, but you dress without a scrap of black. Instead, you choose nondescript clothes as if you are trying not to stand out, and yet you do."

"Is that undesirable?" L was distracted suddenly as he saw his target enter the auditorium. So this was Light? He was older than he looked from the pictures he had seen previously. Fair brown hair swept back from his face, also falling in long bangs across his eyes. It gave him a carefree and innocent look at odds with the aura of collectedness and the slightly snobbish, preppy air he had about him.

Light moved through the space like he owned it, a commanding tilt to his head, even as his features were settled in an expression that could be called _demure_. He stopped to speak with many people as he made his way across the room, a perfect socialite, but in the end, he chose to sit alone. The discrepancies were intriguing, he -

"Hey, are you listening?"

L realized he was biting his thumb intently as he stared. He dragged his eyes off of the anomaly and back to his dark-haired companion. "I apologize. What were you saying?"

The student sighed and leaned back in their chair feigning nonchalance over some harsher mood. "I said, it's hopeless to lust after that one. He doesn't let anyone get close."

L curled his toes in confusion. "Lust? I was merely watching another student enter the room..."

"With single-minded determination, and to the exclusion of all else?"

"I do everything that way. That's normal."

The student laughed and L detected a bit of meanness to it. "What's your name?" they asked in a slick voice, fixing him with a speculative look.

"You may call me Ryuga." L's speech was becoming more formal, more careful and more stilted. He was starting to pine for the sweets he usually had in front of him. He was beginning to feel the familiar awkwardness settle into the interaction and was ready to escape it.

Snicker. "Like the musician?"

"I suppose." L frowned. More and more he felt like he was detecting hidden inflections threading the student's words and demeanor. He didn't like it.

"See? That is about as normal as the rest of you."

L looked away, putting on his deadpan face in the process. "It's normal for me, so if that bothers you, I suggest you leave."

"Touchy," the student laughed in a low voice, fingers tilting up to thread into his hair. "You'll never snag anyone like that, much less Light."

"Please stop touching me." L said, staring fixedly ahead. He radiated disapproval but it did not seem to deter the other boy much. Yes, he was becoming more certain it was a boy. Perhaps it was the new, deeper pitch to the voice or the lack of any softness in the press of their chest against his arm as they leaned into his neck.

"You'll have to do better than that, Ryu-chan," they chided him in a condescending voice. "That just makes me want to eat you up," the boy breathed into his ear, as his hand stroked up L's leg, making him jump out of his seat with a startled yip.

The low murmur of noise broke into silence for several seconds as the other students turned to gawk at the commotion. Embarrassment colored L's face for the first time in a long while.

L found his eyes drawn magnetically to the place Light Yagami was sitting. His target, of course, was looking straight at him. _Damn!_ Who would believe _this_ was the world's three greatest detectives? Blowing his cover in such a deplorable fashion... Their gazes locked, assessing each other in those first few seconds almost desperately as they recognized each other for the equals they were. It was exhilarating and nerve-wracking at the same time. Light looked away first with a bland smile and a minimal shrug. It was dismissive. _But was it dismissive of me, or the situation? _L wondered.

With so many eyes on him, it started to tear out the under-pinnings of his confidence, he could feel his limbs twitching in a desire to flee or hide. He cut his losses, beelining for the auditorium exit and his exodus. He had botched the first meeting, just as he'd suspected he would. Though he could not have accounting for the overtures of a fellow student.

He shuffled off, thinking that next time, he would use a fellow student more wisely, and try to procure information about his target instead of experimenting with socializing.

_'It's hopeless to lust after that one. He doesn't let anyone get close...'_

He pondered at length the one thing he had garnered from the exchange, turning it round in his mind, examining it from all angles. Searching for any insight it could give him into the character of his target coupled with what his brief observations told him.  
_  
'He doesn't let anyone get close...'_

Light Yagami was not someone who lived on the surface. If anything, his lack of pursuing physical need would indicate he was closer to L's sort than his carefully constructed act would lead anyone to believe. Or was it an act? Which part was the real Light? The commanding social engineer or the preppy socialite?

It would be interesting to find out.

* * *

TBC

**A/N:** Chapter 2: Meeting of the Minds


	2. Meeting of the Minds

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 2: Meeting of the Minds)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

* * *

Chapter 2:

L stared at the German raspberry candy as he held it up to the light.  
_  
'The subtly raspberry flavored gummi centers are covered in sweet non-pareils for a crunchy and chewy delight,' _the container said._ 'Sure to delight,' _it boldly proclaimed. And indeed they had, ever since Watari first introduced him to the rare treat over 5 years ago.

L popped it into his mouth, savoring the texture of the soft non-paeils covering the outside, which gave the candy its knobby raspberry appearance, as he bit through to the achingly sweet and satisfactorily chewy center that shot saccharine adrenalin through his system in such a sinful way. A pleased smile spread over his face and he consumed one after another in such an unhurried manner. He could almost ignore the looks he was getting from the members of the task force.

Police chief Yagami coughed pointedly. "Ryuuzaki..."

"Yes, Yagami-san?" L paused with a pair of the candies poised above his open mouth.

"As I was saying," Yagami continued doggedly with a final clearing of his throat, "This is my son, Light."

L rolled his eyes to look, and there beside Yagami was the young man he'd seen in the auditorium. Honey colored eyes met his in a mix of surprise, bewilderment and something additional that L couldn't quite place. It was a complex look. L dropped the candies into his mouth and spun to chew at Light fixedly. To Light's credit, his expression did not change. Much. It meant he was a marvelous actor. Something to watch out for.

"Father," the younger Yagami said quietly in a low tone, trying to be discreet, "Is this really...?"

"I'm L," L affirmed, capturing Light's goldish colored eyes and holding them with intent. He let some of his intelligence flood into his gaze, disrupting the blankness of his usual expression.

Barely noticeable, but still evident to L, was the answering flicker of a reaction in the young man's eyes. Yagami's son was perceptive. Just as he suspected. He smiled suddenly, startling them all and said, "Welcome to the task force, Yagami-kun."

He let his face fall blank again and went back to his raspberries. He noticed, out of the corner of his eye, Yagami's son watching him with a mix of disbelief, revulsion and fascination. Good. He was doing well keeping the young man on his toes. He picked one of the blackberries out of the container and sucked on it as he held it between two slender fingers. He thought to himself that social interaction was _so_ much easier when you weren't personally involved. This would be a fun game.

--

"Father, this can't be right!" The Yagami males faced off in a hushed and rapid confrontation.

L leaned in, his nose nearly bumping into the screen as he turned up the volume on the recording. It was approximately 1 hour after the initial introduction that Light had pulled his father aside from the others. Obviously he had been unaware that L ran cameras from every angle of the room to catch just such juicy information. He was not the only one. The cameras were a secret from all of them. Only he and Watari knew of their presence.

"Light, I know it is somewhat difficult to believe, but that _IS_ L."

"But _how_? I mean he's..." Light made several useless gestures to describe the shape of him, then gave up. L carefully studied the young man's features. They were quite classical, perfect you could say. Just now, they were in a facsimile of disbelief, L was sure. Light had recognized him for the mind that he was not once, but twice already. This scene before his father didn't quite make sense.

"He is the most brilliant mind I have ever had the honor to encounter, and his logic is flawless," Yagami Senior stated with surety.

Light's eyes narrowed slightly. "Explain the junk food to me then."

"Well... that..."

"And who's to say that _that_ is the real L? Perhaps he is just a stand in. It would be a simple matter to rig a fake with a microphone so L could use him as a mouthpiece." Light stiffened as he finished the last, his eyes widening for an instant before resuming their innocent and earnest look.

"Clever boy," L murmured.

The elder Yagami did not see it, but L did - Light's eyes darting surreptitiously about the room, searching for hidden cameras as soon as he realized they must exist. All of a sudden, Yagami's son was being as careful about his expressions and demeanor as he had when in the same room with L. It was a subtle change to how veiled he was with his father, but it was there nonetheless.

"Light, you are just going to have to trust me on this. Ryuuzaki is the real L. If you cannot accept this fact, then it can be easily arranged to have you removed from the case. We don't have time for doubt and distractions. Do you understand me?"

L zoomed in on the young man's face, catching the slightly pained look as his eyes lowered demurely. His lashes cast soft crescent shadows onto his cheeks. His lips parted, seeming to move with agonizing slowness as he wet his lips and said, "I understand. I will not question it again, Father."

There! Just now, under L's watchful eye, he caught a small incongruity to the nuance of the son's expression. A tightening around the eyes just before he followed his father out of the camera's view.

L felt his pulse speed at the wonder of it. This boy was going to prove an interesting challenge for sure. That he would go so far to fool even his own father into believing the facade he'd built up. L swiveled to another screen, and another, searching for and replaying each recording the young man appeared on for the remainder of his first day at headquarters. He chewed his thumb languidly, his wide eyes hardly blinking as he soaked in every gesture, every inflection, every nuance spread throughout hours of footage.

He was actually on his second replay when Watari poked his head in through the door. "You are remembering your wish to complete another day at Yagami-kun's school, are you not?"

L stopped his insistent gnawing on his thumb, realizing he'd been abusing the digit carelessly. "Yes. Thank you, Watari." He waited a moment, but the older gentleman merely stayed his place. "I am just finishing my diagnosis of the task force from this evening."

"Do remember to get some sleep, sir. I know you are not fond of it, but even your mind needs rest."

L got the feeling Watari was onto him - noticing he'd been at the tapes longer than usual. No matter. Watari often noticed things, but rarely spoke of them. It was something he deeply appreciated about the older man. "I will, Watari, very soon."

"I have some real food for you in the mini-fridge, when the mood takes you," he said by way of goodnight.

"Thank you, Watari." L turned back to the monitors with a smile sigh of relief. It perturbed him to be interrupted in the middle of anything that had ensnared his attention to such a degree. Like an itch you can't scratch, it infringes upon all you do until you can tend to it. He felt the blissful flood of concentration submerge him again as he set back to his task.

--

"L, you're going to be late."

L's eyes snapped open, and he almost fell face first into the keyboard at the monitoring station. His head felt stuffed full of cotton, and his vision was a bit blurred. He was actually tired? he glanced at Watari who was wearing disapproval as well as any British man can when put to the test.

"I see you did not heed my advice?"

Sleep? Food. Yeah, not so much. Though they were great ideas... he just hadn't had _time_.

L pouted, attempting to throw him off balance.

Watari gave him a stern look, "How old are you now? 25? Nearly a man and you still act the same child you've always been." He walked over and, hand encircling a near-fragile wrist, pulled L gently to his feet, nearly upsetting the long-limbed young man into an untimely re-acquaintance with the floor. L stooped over as the effects of sleep deprivation swam through him. "It's no wonder you're so skinny," Watari said with a frown as he pinched a scrawny hip, "you don't take care of yourself."

L allowed himself to be herded from the room, no doubt to be fed and taken care of, dimly marking that he'd only slept for a little over an hour.

--

L was reasonably lucid, considering.

Watari had shoveled a classic English breakfast down his throat with equal measures of caring and guilt then popped him into the shower then into a clean set of clothes. L felt a bit woozy still, but real food made him feel better, more lively than he would've thought possible. And the fresh smell to his wrinkle-free shirt was relaxing. He flicked at some still-damp hair that kept falling into his eyes with a languid hand as he listened to the drone of the physics instructor and watched Light Yagami. Unlike himself, his subject seemed to get a proper amount of sleep. Perhaps that is how he maintained such bright eyes and shiny hair, not to mention finding the energy to uphold his lofty facade.

Light's amber eyes marked him several times in this class alone. It was is if he was checking to see if he were really being scrutinized in such detail, or perchance he was hoping L would get bored and take his leave. L felt his mouth turn up with an amused quirk. Light would not be so lucky. He planned to watch the younger boy ALL day if need be.

--

"Light-kun!" a girl's voice rang out and the weight of said girl affixed itself to Light's arm.

He almost grunted in annoyance as she pulled his arm down, unsettling his balance and hard-won poise. It took _effort_ to glide through the halls and be perfection in motion. How else was he going to get everyone to look up to him, want him, or want to be him? It was a worthy aspiration for someone of his caliber. Well, perhaps he could do without some of the _wanting of him_, if it was so prone to nasty side effects such as what was swinging from his arm in near gleeful abandon.

He smiled down at her, her name escaping him for the moment, and fueled the expression with thoughts of prying her off and pitching her into a nice, deep hole somewhere.

Troublesome females. At least the boys who wanted him were more reserved about it.

A chill coursed up Light's back, causing him to throw a cautious glance over his shoulder. His new and ever-present shadow was watching him with wide dark eyes. It was an odd thing to be watched so intently, he thought as he moved between classes, dragging the burr named... Lyda? Sam? Mika?

Oh hell, it's not like it mattered. He could call her anything and she'd likely just beam at him, possibly offering her correct name with no blame laid upon him whatsoever. He supposed he should find the adoration touching, but it was just annoying.

Pondering his new shadow proved a decent diversion. L. The great, renowned detective. To think that all this time he was a scrawny, dark-haired boy hardly older than himself. He snorted in amusement. The girl looked up at him questioningly. He smiled and shook his head, indicating it was nothing.

For what reason would L be tailing him so doggedly? Was he a suspect after all? Or was it some rite of initiation into the task force? Either way, he would just have to endure the surveillance until it ceased.

--

L may have become Light Yagami's shadow in the past several days, but Graham, the boy from the auditorium, had become L's.

"Any luck yet, Ryu?" the dark-haired boy asked slyly, sauntering into his personal space so he could throw an arm across L's shoulders. "Have you worn him down yet with all that staring?"

L decided to ignore the pest, and went back into intense-thinking-mode in the hopes that Graham would find his unresponsiveness too boring. It was slightly harder than usual to accomplish, as he was walking and could not draw up his knees as he would have liked, nor could he allow himself to bite his thumb as he was wont to do - his classmates found the behavior exceedingly strange. Walking harbored further difficulties when one had another human being draped across them, impeding simple movement.

"Get off. You're heavy," L said blandly, craning his head as he fought to keep Light in sight over the teeming mass of students.

"Hmn. Why don't you get me off?"

L started to mouth back with exasperation when he realized that the other boy had meant the line as wrapped with innuendo. The purr to his voice had not been imagined, and the dead lock stare was not unintentional. L blinked a few times, wondering what the appropriate response to this sort of thing was.

"C'mon, Ryu. Just try it," the dark-haired boy cajoled, pulling L with him, out of the stream of humanity. L found himself rather suddenly pushed into the wall of the hallway, lips and body of the other boy pressed insistently against his own.

--

Light glanced back, surprised when his shadow was not attached to him as he expected. He was thankfully girl-less, having dumped his temporary ball and chain off at her next class, and therefore did not have to offer explanations for why he had stopped. His eyes scanned the thinning crowd of students, looking for a tousled mess of dark hair and dark, watchful eyes.

--

L's brain sputtered unreliably, offering nothing useful with which he could extricate himself from this unprecedented situation. The violation of every inch of his personal space was overwhelming enough, but to receive his first kiss in public while being pushed hot and gritty into a wall by another boy? His brain couldn't handle the thought or the stimulus, so it was turning tail and running, abandoning him utterly.

He made a sound of dismay, which -locked inside their joined mouths- sounded like something more scandalous, even to his own ears.

--

Light's eyes widened as he finally pinpointed his shadow's location... under another boy he vaguely recognized as one of his intermittent fans.

A surge of rather acidic annoyance shot through him.

If L was such a brilliant, world class detective, how could he let himself be distracted so by someone of lesser intellect? L should have known it the second their eyes met in the auditorium, that their minds were of the same fabric. That no one could even hope to come close. His ex-stalker, Graham he thought his name was, was nothing compared to him. L should _know_ that, so what was he _doing_?

--

"I'll make you forget all about Light," Graham murmured hotly into L's ear.

L found his head was spinning rather ferociously and the feel of hands were abundant on his person. He shivered as Graham's lips traveled the delicate curve of his ear. "No," he said faintly. He blamed the sleep deprivation, at least in part, for his lack of strength in warding off the invasion - bold hands were slipping under his shirt. School, he tried to remember. This was unacceptable even here. Surely someone of authority would come by and demand they broke this up, thereby saving him.

He kept a lookout, but was yet unprepared for the appearance of Light looming up from behind like a vengeful angel.

The sight of those fierce features combined with the feel of hands running down his stomach pulled at something within him untouched by Graham's advances alone. It twisted wantonly within his gut, nearly wrenching a groan from his mouth which he stifled on his quickly bitten lip. Graham's blue-grey eyes bled nearly black in response and he moved in for the kill. To the other boy's surprise, he was hauled back by the neck of his dark, layered shirt. Graham spun around angrily to face the interloper, but found himself quailing under the look he received from Light Yagami.

L slid down the wall, no longer supported by his human prop. He shook his head, trying to clear it of the mussiness that blurred everything unacceptably.

"Ryuuzaki," Light's voice chimed like a cold bell. The timbre ran through him - evoking reactions in his body that he blamed on its affected state. Before he could linger on that overlong, he felt a hand grasp him under the arm and pull him to his feet. L stood unsteadily and Light leaned in to brace him. "What are you doing here, L?"

L struggled for an answer, but his clever mind had yet to return to him. And the clean smell of Light's hair and his warm skin was distracting. L closed his eyes before they fluttered and shook his head.

"Can't tell me, or won't tell me?" Light asked with faux sweetness in his tone.

L nodded. Desperation started leaking through the slush of his thoughts as he felt the distinct disadvantage of being in Light's presence while not being 100 in charge of his own facilities. Danger. He could feel those honeyed eyes on his face, coolly assessing, cataloging anything he could from L's weakened state, storing it for future use.

_Yagami-kun would make an exceptional Kira_, L thought wildly. Perhaps he had not given himself enough credit before, when he assumed his suspicion of the boy was due to nothing more than a whim. Perhaps it had been a disguised flash of insight. It was rare that he failed to see those for what they were.

L opened his eyes, meeting the deep amber glow of the younger boy's gaze. Contrary to his expectation, it was not a cold look. Nor was it what one would call warm. For the second it was present, L would guess it to be somewhere between the two, more _intense_ than anything else. But it was soon swallowed up by the prep-school boy look Yagami's son preferred to adopt here.

"Has the world's greatest detective nothing better than to follow an 18 year old student around all day?" His voice was light and joking, but L caught the edge of steel beneath, belying his desire for a real answer.

L rejoiced as he felt his mind coming back online, enabling him to resume his place in this game. It was horrible being in this boy's presence without it, he felt so exposed. "I can think of nothing I would rather do, Yagami-kun." L fixed him with a dead-eyed look, grateful to be able to rely on his poker face once more. "Watching you has proved_ fascinating_."

_18?_ he thought with surprise as that little tidbit resurfaced. Obviously the age would be correct for a high school student... but Light being only 18? It seemed incongruous as if the other boy transcended such trivial classifications. He didn't act like any 18 year old that L knew. Although he would never have encountered anyone of Light's dazzling intellect, 18 or otherwise, as none seemed to exist other than himself. L wondered how much he personally had appeared like a normal 18 year old at that age...

Light snorted delicately in response, his expression carefully crafted to convey surprise and an 'if-you-say-so' sort of effect with the slight arch of one graceful brow. L stared, thinking to himself that seeing these nuances in the flesh, seeing a mastermind at work paled when seen through the barrier of a monitor screen. It was so much more exhilarating to be within reach, and to have that crafty mind reacting to _his_ presence, not the dull people he was caught with on recordings.

"Is there something on my face, Ryuuzaki?" Light inquired politely. The corner of his perfect lips turned up slightly with shoddily concealed amusement.

"Nothing of note, Light-kun." L glanced down at the watch he'd strapped to his wrist with disgust earlier that morning, missing Light's surprise at being addressed so informally. "Oh my. It appears that the next class has started without us."

L whipped his dark eyes back up to the young man's face, catching the tail end of his struggle to keep his facade in place. He was quite sure he'd also heard the accompaniment of a smothered snarl, though Light's face now gave nothing away. The mask was one of urgency and dread - the appropriate look for any tardy schoolboy with top scores and a perfect record of attendance - though he had to be fuming at the jeopardy afforded his painstakingly constructed persona.

--

Light whirled on his heel, and stalked off to his class, mind already chewing on excuses to be offered that would offer the most believable and least damaging solution to this problem.

He could feel L slinking after him with infuriating aplomb.

He bit at his lip, worrying the tender flesh, confident that no one would see him giving into this one small vice as he plowed through the abandoned halls. He had never been distracted to this extent before - that he'd forget to keep up appearances first and foremost...

L. What are you? What makes you tick?

Light had not been overly surprised at his righteous fury, that the detective would focus on a lesser being. What surprised him was the manner in which he was detained. That he had allowed someone to violate his personal space - which, to Light's estimation after several days working around L with the task force and his impressions of his shadow at school, was exceedingly important to the detective that he maintain - was unthinkable. Perhaps it was a snare then, to throw him off guard? But no. L would not place himself in discomfort for a mere trap when he could easily find a different tact to take. It wouldn't be like him. But then, Light would have to assume that the detective was truly so socially inept as to have fallen under the advances of another boy.

Light laughed quietly to himself. Unlikely as it seemed, the latter made more sense.

But the most surprising thing of all... the one thing that had been bothering him to the exclusion of all else was L's face.

His standard blank look had been wiped clean off, when Light's eyes had met his over the shoulder of the other boy, and in its place was a look of such wanton debauchery that even now Light fought the thrill it forced through his body.

He pulled impatiently at the collar of his shirt, frowning deeply. Had that look been another test, he doubted it would have been smothered so quickly. No, the look had been genuine, and had shot through the connection that opened up between them whenever their gazes locked as if it were meant for _him_. As if _he_ were the one pressing L into the wall, not Graham.

_Ridiculous_, he thought dismissively. He bit down in his lip until he tasted the coppery tang of blood. The L he knew was nothing like that. The L he knew was wide-eyed, like a child, constantly shoveling sweets into his mouth as easily as breathing. Skinny, with pale skin and deep circles under his eyes attesting to his lack of concern with the physical realm. Everything about his looks, mannerisms and social ineptitude were at odds with L being a creature of sexual habits.

But that _look_.

Suddenly his harsh descriptions of the detective gave way to reluctant amendments. Skinny more accurately became slender or lithe. The deep circles actually formed intriguing shadows which framed impossibly dark eyes to startling effect, and the smooth paleness of perfect skin contrasted pleasingly with wild mess of disheveled, ink black hair.

Light grit his teeth. L was... attractive.

Somehow, he had hidden it with his strange ways and his blank stares, and his overall freakishness... but there you have it.

Light reached his class and braved a furtive glance at his advancing shadow. Slouched over posture. Baggy, sloppy clothes. A general aura of discomfort as if being surrounded by people less intelligent than himself were making him itch. And wide, staring eyes. He opened the door to his class and slipped inside offering up his most apologetic face and an airtight excuse. Inside, he fumed. Underneath everything that made L _**L**_, underneath all of those distasteful parts and traits was something compelling. Something hidden, that glimmered enticingly just beneath the surface.

Light took his seat.

He brooded at the door his shadow would open in 5...4...3...2...1

L made his entrance, dark head ducking in a stately, if somewhat awkward apology. His eyes picked Light out in an instant as he moved forward to find a place among the tiered rows of desks and students. Light shifted in his seat. _It's the eyes. Something in the eyes, when he's not hiding behind that blank stare. His eyes transform him.  
_  
L moved past, face shuttered off once more, taking a seat near the back of the room where he could be spared the most crowded area of the room. Where he could also watch Light with greater ease.

_Where those eyes can watch my every move_, Light thought obsessively, his heart pounding with more liveliness than usual. No one else could possibly keep up under that heavy gaze. No one else would have anything worth ensnaring it. _Watch me, L._ _You know no one else will do. _

* * *

TBC


	3. Two of a Kind

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 3: Two of a Kind)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

* * *

Chapter 3:

L watched the members of the task force working together and bantering in a friendly manner, as he typed, and felt a cloud of sullenness descending upon him.

Matsuda was capering about, laughing, joking and doling out drinks and food requests to his companions. He was the most empty headed of the group... and yet... he seemed to enjoy life the most. He always had a ready smile, which irked L to no end, but he was beginning to wonder if exceptional intellect was more of a curse than a blessing.

Did being a genius reduce your chances of being happy?

He thought of Light and chewed on a nail. He would be content with someone like Light as a friend... they were well-matched and had an easy time communicating...

Perhaps the key to it all was that only people of similar intellectual levels could form real bonds with each other. The greater your intelligence, the smaller the pool of people who were qualified. And, in that reduced group, only 10-20% were, statistically speaking, going to be a compatible match in personality. For someone like L, that meant his chances of gaining a friend in his lifetime would be approximately 1.5%. For someone like Matsuda... 85%.

That was just... depressing.

L reached halfheartedly for a chocolate covered tea biscuit, and crunched through a bite with a long suffering sigh.

The only way around such formidable odds would be to desensitize himself to stupidity, and find things to like about a larger percent of the population.

L pondered his comrades, trying to determine which member would be the least painful first step. Matsuda? No. Not yet. Matsuda would stay in reserve as a last resort in case he UTTERLY failed and just needed someone to be nice to him for his efforts.

Mogi? Hmm. Though ranking just below the police chief in intellect, L was still annoyed at the stocky man's dismissal of Kira being a student based on absolutely NOTHING. Aizawa kind of irked him in general with his constant challenges to everything L said, so he was out too. That left Ide and Yagami-san.

Yagami he was reluctant to approach as he was sort of put off at the possibility of things going badly with someone he actually sort of looked up to. That would be a _last_ last resort.

So it was Ide.

But what would they talk about?

He wasn't sure he could recall the man ever speaking. Though whether that was due to reality, or that he'd just never said anything memorable was a toss up.

"Good afternoon, Ide-san," L said, shuffling over and shoving his hands in his pockets. "What is it you are currently working on for the case?"

The nearly eyebrowless man looked up with mild surprise. "I'm running a list of the students in Kanto region who have a schedule matching the holes in Kira's killing schedule."

"Ah. Not more than a 73% match though... Remember that Kira can alter the time of death, so some of the killings will overlap into even his course schedule."

"R-Right," Ide said, looking a little flustered, his eyes darting discretely back to his screen where he was running a search for matches higher than 90%.

L felt his eye twitch slightly, but maintained a friendly demeanor nonetheless. _Desensitization_, he reminded himself.

"I am trying to get to know the different members of the task force on a more personal level in order to strengthen our bonds and allow us to work even better together," L fabricated lightly. "What is it that Ide-san chooses to do in his free time?"

Ide gaped at him slightly. "I- um..." he looked down and to the side. "I study botany," he offered uncomfortably.

"For any particular purpose?" L asked. He scratched the top of his left foot with his right. Botany? He was somewhat mollified. It was an intellectual pursuit.

"I like to watch things grow..."

"Ah. Did you perhaps mean gardening then, Ide-san?"

"..." The eyebrowless man managed to look a very complicated version of uncertain. "I like tomatoes..."

"Tomatoes are quite good," L conceded, wondering why he was reaching a sticking point already, and on such a thing. "Do you play Chess or Go, Ide-san?"

"I..." Ide looked perplexed. "Ryuuzaki-san... why are you talking to me like this? I mean- well- am I... am I a suspect?"

L almost laughed out loud. Pained, hysterical laughter. "No, Ide-san. As I said previously, I am just getting to know..." Ide was looking at him like he wanted to inch away but was afraid to. Now why would he do that? Was conversation with him so abhorrent?

"I'm sorry Ryuuzaki-san, but I should get back to work. This list won't check itself." Ide turned back to his computer, shoulders hunched as if he were rather flinching from an expected blow.

"With the right programming it could," L muttered under his breath as he shuffled back to his seat in defeat. He grabbed a handful of rainbow colored twizzlers and chewed forlornly at the ends. Ide glanced up at him every so often for the next hour with a slightly freaked expression on his face. Every time that happened, L's mood soured even more. He tried to fill the hole of discontent that was growing within him with a variety of his favorite treats, but he was starting to feel ill. Stupid Ide.

He brooded for a while, not really feeling much like working on the Kira case. At this point, he didn't think he could see where Kira was doing anything wrong. Kira was getting rid of people, and that meant there would be less of them around for L to be forced to deal with. How was THAT evil?

"Ryuuzaki?" Yagami-san's respectful voice broke into his thoughts. "Are you feeling all right? You don't look yourself..."

L's head perked up and he felt a wash of gratefulness flow through him. He shouldn't have bothered with the others. He should have tried with the most intelligent and perceptive one first, it only made sense. "I'm just feeling a bit discouraged, Yagami-san." His heart lightened a fraction as he spoke what was really on his mind. "All this time we spend here together, all focused at our tasks and are we really any closer to finding Kira? To ending this? It is... difficult to be around so many new faces." _Difficult to be around __**people**_, he amended in his head.

Police Chief Yagami nodded sagely.

"Speaking of Kira, where is Light-kun?" L mused, not realizing he'd said it aloud.

--

At quarter to six, Light walked into the hotel room the task force was working out of and was immediately hit with an unpleasant aura.

There was an uncharacteristic tension coming from all sides of the room, but it was more concentrated in the opposite corners housing L and his father.

L was on the couch, having a conversation with Matsuda, while listlessly chewing on some confection or other, looking markedly ill. His father was typing at one of the terminals, his back to them, his fingers hitting the keys with surprising force.

Light paused in the doorway, eyebrows drawing together. This wasn't right. He looked out the door behind him, shook his head, and viewed the scene anew.

Matsuda bounded up to his face, making him take a quick step back. "Yagami-kun, Yagami-kuuun!" he chirped with relief. "Thank goodness you're finally here!" Light opened his mouth to ask why but Matsuda rushed on. "Something's wrong with Ryuuzaki, you have to fix him."

Light hid his flash of annoyance. _What, am I supposed to know how to do __**everything**_?

Matsuda latched onto his arm, his lower lip poking out. "He hasn't been himself today. He was-" Matsuda lowered his voice, "_-talking_ to people."

Light tugged at his arm in an effort to gain it back from the dark-haired man's grip. He clung tight. Light did his best to ignore it and made his way over to L.

L looked... wilty.

"Ryuuzaki, Matsuda here tells me you have not been yourself today," Light said stiffly, trying one more futile tug.

L looked up at him, eyes lighting up in one brief, dying flicker before they sunk back to the flat dead look they'd acquired. "Hmn," he responded in a noncommittal fashion. "But what is or isn't like me, I wonder? Perhaps Matsuda-san could enlighten me on that." L's eyes drifted to Light's trapped arm, his expression sharpening momentarily before they drifted away again.

"See?" Matsuda said in a stage whisper, "He's acting _weeeeird_."

"Matsuda," Light pitched his voice cloyingly, interjecting before L jumped off the couch in an act of violence, "Maybe it's best if you leave me alone to talk to Ryuuzaki. You know how shy genius types can be..." He smiled apologetically.

"Oh," Matsuda yipped, "Of course Light-kun! I'll- I'll just be over there then."

When the fluffy haired man had scampered off, L leveled Light with an unfriendly look. "You're a genius type too, Light-_kun_."

"No need to flaunt it to the underlings," Light said amicably, his hands wide. "It makes them uncomfortable."

"Matsuda looked plenty comfortable, and rather informal, if you want to get down to it."

Light smiled and sat down next to the detective. "It **is** annoying," he said patronizingly, "but that is the sacrifice of being popular." He turned to face L and added sweetly, "I'll correct him in his form of address if that pleases you, Ryuuzaki." _He_ was pleased to note a blush coloring the emerging scowl on the older boy's face.

"Do what you want," L said. "It makes no difference to me."

Light flicked his eyes around the room, confirming that no one was watching them. He leaned into L's personal space, feeling a surge of glee at this new game. "Are you sure, Ryuu?" his voice was layered with concern. "You look upset." His hand reached up to brush the side of L's face.

L turned a brighter shade of red and started to choke.

Task members began to turn around.

L jumped up and tried to make a hasty exit, but Light caught a slender wrist in an iron grip. "What's wrong, Ryuuzaki?" He added a dash of bewilderment to his concern. L's flesh shook in his hand like a caged animal. "Where are you going?" Smooth white skin, delicate in the grip of his hand. His thumb stroked the underside and he felt the muscles work against him.

"B-Bathroom," L flung out, eyes wide and marginally frantic as tried to pull away. "Too much junk food," he added for the benefit of the others as he tugged his hand free, which Light allowed.

L moved remarkably fast when he wanted to. In seconds, he was gone, and the others murmured to each other about how _odd_ L had been acting. When they settled back to work, Light allowed a satisfied smile to curve his lips. _Ryuuzaki _was proving very fun indeed.

Light got up and stretched, making a production out of talking to each member of the task force for the 'latest', ending with his father. "I think I should go check on Ryuuzaki," he said earnestly, "to make sure he's ok."

The police chief's lips compressed into a thin line. _Aha_, Light thought, _so L is the cause of his displeasure... interesting..._

"That isn't necessary," the chief said, "I'm sure he's just fine."

"Father, you said it yourself, L is the mind of the operation, the heart even. Isn't it wise to make sure we don't dismiss every behavior of his as a quirk? He could be upset about something -"

"_LIGHT_." Yagami stared at his son. "_L is nothing like us_. He doesn't need -" he waved his hand dismissively, "-the same things most people do. He doesn't require the same care or connections. If you go, you'll only be bothering him when he wants to be left alone."

Light reeled from the ridiculousness of what his father was saying. Indignation shot through him like a hot wind, nearly balling his fists at his sides. _Not like __**us**__? No, father, not like __**you**__. I am closer to L's sort than anyone, and further from the rest of you than I will EVER allow you to know... Who are you to say what people like us want or need?_

"Father, that is a rather cold way of looking at things, don't you think?"

"He suspects you to be KIRA," his father growled. "He said as much, though I believe it was unintentional."

Real surprise showed on Light's face.

"He insults you to such a degree behind your back - do you still want to go to him?"

"I am sure that I am not his only suspect," Light said patiently. "I take heart in the fact he is thorough enough in this investigation to not rule me out simply because of this sort of reaction." He gave his father wide, earnest eyes.

His father backed down with a harsh sigh, running a hand through his greying hair in resignation. "If it doesn't offend you... I will try not to let it get to me."

Light nodded and excused himself.

--

L leaned back in his cushioned rolling chair until his head hung backward over the edge and he was staring at the wall behind him. Damp bangs clung messily against his skin from the water he'd splashed on his face not long ago. The coolness had calmed his pitching stomach, making it seem reasonably safe to leave the bathroom.

He didn't actually manage to get sick, though it was the closest call he'd had in over 7 years.

Mostly, L just wanted an excuse to flee the social awkwardness that had been ratcheting up in intensity until he was sure it would expand out of control. It was a convenient excuse, seeing as it was mostly true.

For now, he was in the monitoring room. He'd had the thought to review the recordings of the past several hours, to nitpick every interaction to see if the problem of failure lay in those he'd engaged or whether he really was as inept as he was suspecting.

Only he couldn't quite manage to make himself go over them.

He told himself it was just because he didn't want to go to all the trouble of interrupting the recording schedule, that it would be more efficient to wait until the cameras cycled to the next set of backups, but he was pretty sure he was lying.

He didn't want to see himself on film.

But, he had an itching desire to review the scene he'd had with Light. Just as strong was the desire not to. Was it merely the timing that had made that interaction feel so claustrophobic? So... personal? Or was Light really going out of his way to be obnoxious?

L chewed carefully at his thumb. He hadn't liked that he had gotten so flustered. But between all the staring eyes, and the unexpected... caress? to his wrist, he'd panicked. Slightly.

Was Light toying with him? Trying to get a rise out of him for amusement? He could almost swear he'd seen amusement in those honeyed eyes though nothing else had belied it. He didn't like the thought of Light playing with him as if he were trifling enough to be but a mere pawn. They were equals. Light should know that. So was it a power trip then? Ow!

L frowned at the newly formed crack in his thumbnail.

--

Yagami-san checked his watch in the dim light of the task force's glowing computer screens. It was almost 9pm, and there had been no sign of L for hours.

Light had come back in a quiet mood, his search for the detective yielding no results. The room had remained unusually silent since then.

Yagami-san loosened his tie uncomfortably.

--

"L?" the voice was distorted, the connection maintaining a bit of static.

L dangled the corded phone next to his ear with a bland expression canvasing his face and swiveled his chair 180 degrees. He had toyed with the notion of ignoring the insistent rings, not wanting to talk to anyone he could think of, but only one person had the number anyway. "...yes, Watari?"

"Are you planning on rejoining the investigation any time this evening?"

"..." He was displeased with being bothered. Interruptions were feeling much like nails on a chalkboard in him right now.

"The members of the task force are starting to ask after you."

_Of course. _L felt the anger from earlier bank and rally as quick as brushfire. They couldn't get at him directly, so they would plague him through Watari. People. Why was it always _people_ that did him in to extremes? Did they have any idea how _**irritating**_ it was to be a super genius and not be able to figure out the first thing about socializing successfully??

Blunder after blunder, it was _maddening_. Not only did he utterly fail at his attempt with Ide, he'd totally pole-axed himself with Yagami-san with such a stupid, STUPID, mindless mistake. Of COURSE Light's father would be upset if he knew his son was a Kira suspect. That was **exactly **why L hadn't mentioned it to anyone.

"L?"

L dragged a weary hand over his face in disgust. Stupid. stupid... "Which members, specifically?"

"Well... I was requested not to say specifically..."

Huh. That was interesting at least. "In that case, I would have to assume it was Yagami-san." The others must be getting off track. Or perhaps the older man wanted to call a truce for the sake of the case.

The quality of Watari's silence confirmed it.

"You can let him know that as soon as I work through some things on this end, that I need my utmost concentration for, I will rejoin them." He had no intention of going down there until at _least_ 2am. Hopefully by then, they'd have all vacated the space and he could work in peace. There were rarely stragglers past 1:30am.

"There was someone else as well..." Watari said with slight resignation. It seemed he could tell L was just avoiding the mess of them with a canned excuse. "Light has requested a chance to speak with you. He said, and I quote, 'Please inform L that when he is done _**hiding**_, there is something I wish to discuss with him' end quote."

L felt his mouth drop open in indignation. "_Hiding?! _Who the hell-" he continued his tirade mentally, _-does he think he is?! Kira or no Kira I'm going to kick his head so hard he won't even __**know**__ who the hell he is, the condescending little-  
_  
"Should I tell him you accept?"

L tapped his fingers on the desk in an angry staccato. "Sure. Fine." How did Light always manage to work things his way? He must've figured out how hard it was for L to ignore a challenge, thus flushing him out. The cocky bastard.

Despite himself though, he was curious. Was this regarding his new status as 'suspect'? Surely he knew of that already... Or was there something else on his clever mind?

--

The room used as the base of operations was dark.

L breathed a sigh of relief. It was only the dimmest flicker of disappointment that touched him that he would not hear what Light had to say after all. It was rather late by now, intentional on his part, and he hadn't expected the other boy to accept the timing anyway. L allowed himself a small smile. His lordship would just have to talk to him some other time. _When it suits __**me**__,_ he thought with satisfaction.

He navigated in a careful shuffle through the room, his feet encountering some odd items he'd rather not try to place. Pillow. Paperwork. _Instant noodle cup??_ He was just extricating his offended toes from the container with a small noise of disgust when someone spoke.

"It is rude of you to keep me waiting, Ryuuzaki."

L froze. That voice. He'd recognize that arrogant, silky tone anywhere. "Light-kun. I didn't expect you to be awake at this hour." Especially not _hours_ after the time he'd set. L was still night blind, but turned to face the brunette's approximate location.

"I did not decline your invitation, did I?" The tone was chock full of haughty disapproval.

"Nor did you accept it." L hunched his shoulders, folding in on himself a bit. "I'd have thought you'd be home by now, tucked into your bed like a good little schoolboy." L surprised himself with the insult, and the tone his voice held. It sounded unlike himself. But the annoyance he felt at Light's chiding was likely the culprit.

"Casting aspersions on my age when you yourself are acting so immature? To make me wait on your pleasure? Really, Ryuuzaki, you disappoint me."

L could now make out the soft glow of electronic luminescence upon his face. The curve of a cheek, the slow spread of a condescending smirk, and the glint of half-shuttered eyes. The other boy was reclining on the sofa, 20 percent pale blue contour and 80 percent shadow. This was the first time he'd seen anyone in this sort of... environment. It made him uneasy somehow. "Are you suggesting I made you wait on _purpose_, Light-kun?" He let his eyes grow wide. He may not have his own vision completely at his disposal, but Light surely had his. It wouldn't do to forget _that_.

There was a faint rustle of cloth, and an impression of blocked air and space.

Light was standing before him. L could just make out the lofty incline of his face, the superior look. He was rather close. "That's exactly what I'm saying, _Ryuuzaki_. And to what do I owe this disrespect?"

That gave L pause. It wasn't intentional disrespect, and served no real purpose... it was merely a reaction to... to...

Light's fingers lightly brushed his wrist, choking off his inner dialog, tracing the vulnerability of sensitive skin just above his palm. "Is it because of earlier?" Light asked in a soft, low voice, leaning closer. L felt his mind grow unfocused, the tenor of the words seeming to echo within him. "When I did this?" Fingers slipped around to encircle L's wrist. Strong, supple hands. A small shudder chased it's way down L's spine. He was quite sure that he was able to feel the body heat of the other boy, as if they were only inches apart. Only he couldn't be certain, as his eyes appeared to be closed.

"Why does it upset you so?" Light all but breathed into L's ear.

The resulting thrum that shot through L's stomach was so intense that it made him jump back, startled._ What the-?!_

Light still had hold of him, relentless in his grip. "What's wrong, Ryuuzaki?" Did his voice sound smug? He was coming closer. L realized his heart was beating fast in his chest. What was this game? He didn't like it. He wasn't in control.

"L-Light-kun. I am going to request that you release my hand."

"Are you scared, Ryuuzaki?" He kept saying the name, it was becoming a mantra in L's head. Each time, spoken like a caress. Each time affecting a change to the very structure of his cells, burning them up like a virus. "Is it because you suspect me to be Kira?" Such an angelic voice there, ringing with innocence. "Or is it something else?" his voice lowered and seemed to curl up at the edges. Amusement.

L's hands were shaking. He knew it was folly to hope that Light wouldn't notice. "You are one of many suspects, Light-kun." L tried to speak as blandly as possible. "You merely possess the intellect and the potential, and we must investigate all possibilities."

"Hmmm," Light murmured in the near dark, making him shiver. "You sound so calm as to _almost_ be convincing. Whatever has you rattled so?"

"I'm wavering in my resolution," L said faintly. The only thing that might deter Light from his present course, whatever that was, would be the scent of truth.

Light made a noise of interest. "Regarding?"

"Kira."

L was mollified to find his hand being released.

"What of Kira?"

"This may sound... uncharacteristic of me, but-" L took a breath, "-I cannot seem to find him as guilty as I once had." There, words were helping him regain his focus. Despite the horrid conviction of those words.

"Go on," Light's voice was like dark velvet.

The lack of illumination was good for hiding the guilty flush that overtook his skin. "I've always understand _why_ he's doing what he is... it's just that now I can't seem to disagree."

Silence was the only response.

L initially felt more at ease locking onto his other problem. But the difficulty it presented was troubling on a deeper level. Self worth. Hypocrisy. Loyalties. "How am I supposed to hunt down someone who is doing work I might be coming to believe in?"

There was a click, and suddenly the room was awash with light. L threw a hand up to cover his eyes. Stark, white light. To reveal in ugly nakedness the blasphemy of the truth he'd uttered. It was crushing.

"Do you mean that?" Light asked, his voice intense.

L looked at him through parted fingers. There was no teasing now. But should he admit it again? This sign of his own weak moral character before someone who may in fact be the renowned executioner of the damned?

No, no, **no**! What was he thinking?? The investigation. The _investigation_. His personal views were of no consequence. He couldn't compromise his livelihood and reason for living for a stroke of insanity. For a smokescreen.

Kira or Kira's adversary... either way, admitting it to him again was untenable. The repercussions of that truth being believed were too great.

He felt expression leak from his face until it was utterly empty. His mask was now firmly in place. "If I meant that, what kind of justice could I hope to bring to the world, Yagami-kun?"

Light responded in turn with a dulling of his own features, shuttering away the intensity that was likely his unadorned face. He then turned it into a rueful smile. "Indeed. Where would the great L be without Kira as an _adversary_."

Light's mask was the earnest schoolboy with effusive expression, L decided. The polar opposite of his own empty, dead eyes and impassive face. Just like the portrayal and lack thereof of their full mental abilities. Light kept himself veiled in that respect, whereas L hid nothing.

"Tirelessly bored, no doubt," L mumbled under his breath. He wondered at this side of Light - the one he could talk to, despite their facades and posturing.

"No doubt," Light echoed softly.

* * *

TBC


	4. Bad Hair Days Spare No One

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 4: Bad Hair Days Spare No One)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

* * *

Chapter 4:

Light was in a horrible mood. One night of missed sleep had thrown off his whole schedule.

He was nearly compulsively obsessive when it came to sleep, but not without reason. Without it, the mind and body could not function at their peak performance. Concentration, memory, reaction time and looks were all affected. _Yes,_ Light thought while fingering a section of less-shiny-than-usual hair with disapproval, _all of these were critically important._

Light hoped L appreciated what he was going through due to that rendezvous last night, that he appreciated the trouble that missed sleep would cause him. Already this morning, he had blundered his way into two social engagements for the coming weekend, unthinkingly taken the _direct_ route to Building B for his Calculus 4 class which was fraught with excessive numbers of starry eyed admirers, forgotten his lunch on the counter on his way to the school so he would be forced to eat food other hands had prepared unless he decided to eat nothing at all, and his hair looked limp and dejected.

He favored L with a spiteful thought or two.

Why was it that L seemed to run fine, no, _better_, when he went without sleep? That his ink-black hair looked all the more interesting for never being graced with the shine of good health, or a hairbrush. That the smudges beneath his eyes were not unsightly or puffy - as they would have been were Light to allow lack of sleep to marr his features - they were merely dark accents to his unusual, almost wholly black eyes. That was probably why L's blank looks were so effective - with eyes so dark, there was no visible pupil to give him away in most lighting.

Light tuned out the drone of his Physics instructor, having already covered the next three sections on his own before becoming too bored with the simplicity of it to continue. He brushed a thumb over his lips distractedly. There'd been no way to tell, for instance, what was going on in the detective's mind that first time Light had caught his wrist. No way to tell the source of his agitation. L's black eyes reflected the light and kept inquisitive people out. Only the wideness of his eyes and the unsteadiness of his caged hand belied any sort of panic.

Is that why he had forced L into the same situation again? To discover what could possibly have made the unflappable detective feel off-balance? His thumb pushed past his slightly parted lips and he tested the flesh with his teeth, like L was wont to do. It was firm, and vaguely pleasing as he bit down. He could liken it to putting one's teeth to a ripe fruit - something to savor. Images of a distracted L, his thumb poised thoughtfully against his lips tangled with Light's view of him last night. Eyes closed as if to shut him out - so close he could almost smell the warmth of L's pale white skin, the quality of his fear, his uncertainty, like something intoxicating. Light bit down a little harder, recognizing the feel of his quickening blood as he realized he had been drawn to the smooth curve of the other boy's neck. That if the other had not jumped back, he would have felt quivering flesh beneath his lips.

"Yagami-kun, would you mind solving number 42 on page 356?"

"Of course," Light said graciously, standing up and making his way to the chalkboard. He disliked the interactive portion of class. It was wildly unhelpful to him, and broke his train of thought. Though he was grateful that the lack of sleep had not overwhelmed his ability to notice when he was being addressed. He worked out the problem on the board with precision, in his careful and perfect script, then bowed to the Instructor and retook his seat. A murmur of appreciation rippled through the class, and he smiled modestly to himself for their benefit.

L. L. L. Where was his shadow today? He had been nearly used to the inconspicuous staring. And the lack of it just now... was unsatisfactory. He picked up his pencil, pretending to take notes. It had taken him off guard at first, that he seemed to be interested in L for more than just his mind... but the evidence was present and irrefutable. It wouldn't do to ignore it, hoping that something would change. He disliked people who acted like that. Avoiding what was right before them. Better just to accept and work things to your advantage...

Could L be worked to his advantage?

Was he capable of desire? Or would this be one of the areas in which they were opposites?

If he could only ascertain the source of L's unusual behavior during their encounters, he could plan accordingly. Was L weak to physical closeness or was there something else plaguing his mind? Either scenario was likely...

He would need to delve further into this, but for that, he needed L.

--

Light tapped the keys of his computer terminal's keyboard mechanically while harboring a festering frustration. Tonight was the second evening that he'd shown up to headquarters, after long boring days at the school without his usual shadow, eager to gain some headway in his analysis of L - but the detective once again was not present.

This behavior was atypical as well. From what he'd gathered from the other task force members, L, while not around at all hours, always seemed to be around when Light was. They joked that L probably felt better having someone smarter around to talk to. Light silently agreed. But that made it all the more baffling that he would continue his absence. For what reason would he avoid the only person on his level? If it were merely that he were a suspect... then L would be at his side watching for any incongruous behavior, would he not? That left his rescinded confession from the other night, or his wariness at being close to people. Embarrassment at an admission or fear of physical contact. If it were the latter, Light wondered, was it all people or just him?

_Dammit, L, I can't figure this out if I can't watch you._

Light consulted his watch.

9:00p... Another wasted night.

He saved the files he was working on, exited the applications, and stood with a weary sigh. It was the most he could allow himself - it wouldn't do to let exasperation color his behavior.

He pulled the strap of his messenger bag over his shoulder and bade the remaining task force members and his father goodnight.

"Oh, Light," his father said, "leaving early?"

Light made himself smile, "I always leave around this time. I can't let my studies suffer too greatly after all."

The police chief looked at the time in surprise. "Hn - I thought it was earlier."

"Don't stay too late? Mother and Sayu have been complaining how they miss you." There, all of the perfect son comments were out of the way. Now focus on things of greater import. Light turned to leave, but his father called to him.

"Wait just a moment, Light." Yagami-san rustled some papers into his briefcase and swatted at some resilient wrinkles in his suit as he stood. "I'll come with you."

"Uh- Ah," he assented haltingly. The train ride home would be infinitely less relaxing if he had to keep up his "good-son" facade the whole way. But it couldn't be helped. It would be strange of him to reject his father's company. "They'll be happy to see you. It's been three days this time, hasn't it?"

Recently his father had taken to working non-stop. The 'don't stay too late' comment Light offered had become a bit of a joke. The police chief didn't often stay here to sleep, but coming home to crash and then jumping up as soon as he was conscious just to do it all again made it seem like he was never around. His mother and sister really were going a little crazy without him, expecting him to somehow make up the deficit. They were practically hanging off his elbows whenever he came home, and it was all he could do to secure time alone for himself.

"Has it?" his father said absently. "It's hard to keep track anymore."

They left headquarters, maintained a steady silence in the hotel elevator, and stepped out into the night. On the short walk to the train station, his father began a halting conversation.

"So, Light, how have you been? You aren't neglecting anything in order to help the investigation, are you?"

"No, father. I am well up-to-date with my studies, and I get the proper amount of sleep."

"What about your social life? A young man your age should have plenty of offers from his classmates."

"Ah. Well, I do, of course, but I do not want to distract myself too much from my goals. I have seen the results of that in my classmates too many times to count."

"Light," Yagami-san sounded a little perplexed. "You shouldn't assume that hanging out with your friends will make you irresponsible. A boy your age needs friends around. It's a healthy outlet for the stress of school."

Pah! As if he would waste his time with those useless creatures. "I don't mean to imply any disagreement on that matter. In fact, I have two engagements this weekend." For the first time, he could be somewhat glad of the annoying snares he'd fallen into. He couldn't allow his father to be disillusioned. "I am far enough in my studies that a break should not set me back."

"Ah," his father sighed, relieved. "That's good."

Light prepared to resume their previous silence, but it was not meant to be. His father was going to insist on beating this awful conversation into the ground.

"And are you dating anyone?"

Light was appalled. _Of course not! If I don't want to be friends with them, why would I wish to __**date**__ one? _"No one at the moment. I have had several offers, but none of them have particularly captured my interest." Understatement.

Yagami-san looked perplexed again. "Is there no one interesting enough to make _you_ want to approach _them_?"

Light pretended to consider this, though in actuality he was fending of his brain's insistence on feeding him images of L. "Possibly," he relented, "but I am unsure as to how it would be received."

"With your achievements and that face, I wouldn't think that any girl would pose much of a problem..."

"A-Ah." That was a rather awkward thing to hear from one's parent. Light hoped his lack of response would lay this topic to rest.

"It... It is a girl, isn't it?" his father said worriedly.

Light let out a sound of horrified indignation, "What kind of question is THAT to ask me?"

"Well, you see," Yagami-san hurried to explain, "you never really showed much interest in girls in general, and at your age... so I wasn't sure if-"

"So because I don't paw and salivate on females to the point of disgrace, that makes you assume I'm GAY?" he hissed the last, not wanting to be overheard. When had his "good-son" and "perfect-student" image fractured so?

"I'm... sorry, Light, that was unnecessary of me to say."

Light steamed. _Unnecessary?_ How about _**unfounded?**_ "What a conclusion to jump to. Mother would _cry_ if she knew you'd said that to me."

His father shifted awkwardly. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Forget I said anything."

At the least, Light thought, crossing his arms over his chest as they waited for the train, it gave him an excuse to ignore his father for the remainder of the journey.

--

"Light, you're home!" Light's mother fluttered as he stepped in the door. "Do you want dinner?"

"No, I'm fine, but I think father would." He stepped aside so she could see his father trailing in the door after him.

"Honey," she gasped, turning to her husband, "is everything ok? You're home so early!"

"Yes, dear, everything is... fine. I just thought I should take extra time to spend with my family."

"Oh!" She clapped her hands excitedly. "Sayu will be so pleased. Light, tell your sister on your way up to your room, would you, dear?"

"Of course."

"Are you sure you aren't hungry?" she fretted.

"I'm fine, mother, I'm just going to study a bit before bed," he smiled and waved her off with a playful hand. "Goodnight."

Light trudged up the stairs, the smile falling from his face like a discarded paper mask. The faintest crease marked his brow as he sank deep into thought. How was one supposed to feel when one of their parents thought they were gay? It was perplexing. He had never thought of himself that way. In fact, the assumption had to be faulty for while he didn't have much interest for girls, he had none for boys either. Just L.

Just L... and he didn't think of L as a boy, per say. It's just that he happened to be one.

Was that enough to label him as gay? An attraction to one particular person? He didn't think so. If anything, that kind of logic was product of a society determined to slap a label on everything. A society he had no need to cater to as he would be changing it _very_ soon.

"Sayu," he called as he knocked on his sister's door. "Father is home."

He heard her squeal of delight, and quickly ducked into his own room, lest he be pulled back downstairs.

When the danger had passed, he flopped down on his bed and regarded the ceiling.

If L truly were wavering in his attempt to catch Kira, that would afford him some new possibilities. The thought of exterminating the detective, when he had brought such relief to the boring tedium that was Light's perfectly constructed life, had never sat quite right with him. However, he had resigned himself to bear it when weighed against his own execution.

And L surely knew that he was in the reverse position. That he must catch Kira or forfeit his own life.

But what if Kira and L came to an agreement?

Was it possible?

Light closed his eyes. He made himself relax every muscle in his body one at a time, and slowly, the tension started to ease its steel claws and afford him a semblance of peace. He indulged his mind, allowing it to wander now that he was in the sanctity of his room.

Dark eyes flooded his vision. Precious bruises framing their wideness. Adding so much vulnerability to the spooked look they carried.  
_  
L..._

_Ryuuzaki..._

White, white skin. A rare flush of embarrassment lighting those high cheekbones. He'd seen it only the once, but it was burned into his memory. His only regret was that they hadn't been alone. He couldn't pursue. Had the others seen their champion make that face? Avert his eyes?

He wanted to see it again.

He might've, having nearly reconstructed the scenario once more, only it had been dark. Too dark to see such things. Too dark to do anything but listen... and touch.

_  
What would it have been like that time... if you hadn't pulled away..._

_...if my body had stayed on its treacherous course... Would the taste of your skin be as intoxicating as I imagine?  
_

The scene from before rose in his mind, playing out the same as it did in reality, altering course only at that crucial point.

_"Are you suggesting I made you wait on _purpose_, Light-kun?" L stared at him with wide, deceptively innocent eyes._

_Light had the urge to wipe that false expression off the other boy's face. As if _he _could not tell the difference between _this _and sincerity. "That's exactly what I'm saying, Ryuuzaki. And to what do I owe this disrespect?" It was disrespectful, but more than that, it was a challenge. A challenge from someone worthy of him. He felt exhilaration start to trickle through his veins, speeding his heart's pace._

_L paused, his face adopting an air of contemplation that suited him much better. His vision was turned inward, leaving him open to Light's advance._

_Light reached out to stroke the soft skin of L's wrist, the one he'd caught in his hand just the other day, remembering with satisfaction the look that had been on L's face. The flustered, harried look that had made it seem such an easy task to bring the other boy to his knees._

_"Is it because of earlier?" Light asked in a soft, low voice, leaning closer. "When I did this?" His hand encircled L's wrist and a small shudder ebbed through the captured limb. His quarry's eyes slid shut, inviting further liberties. Light found himself drawn to that vulnerability, to the sweep of throat exposed as L averted his head. He hovered over it, inches away,teasing himself with the thought of indulgence, of pulling soft flesh between his teeth and making the other boy react to him. Would he cry out? Gasp? Or would he try to maintain silence?_

_Light held himself back from taking that final, irrevocable step - the wrongness of the situation making him want it all the more. He felt L's hand trembling in his grasp, felt the tension chasing through the detective's body... he could hear his small, quick breaths._

_Light leaned into him as far as he dared, so he could feel the reaction as he mocked the other boy in a low tone against his ear. Layered with concern, "Why does it upset you so?"_

_L shuddered against him_ _unwittingly with a quick intake of breath. He tried to jump back_ _but Light was ready, and held him fast. "What's wrong, Ryuuzaki?" he teased, enjoying the sight of the detective coming undone. Every shake, shudder, or breath, he cataloged with gleeful efficiency, his pulse speeding each time the stakes of this game increased._

_"L-Light-kun. I am going to request that you release my hand."_

_Light ignored him; the stutter was merely fuel to the fire. "Are you scared, Ryuuzaki?" He breathed the name like a caress, watching the shameful effect it had on the dark-haired boy. "Is it because you suspect me to be Kira?" he continued, loving the reactions that his words alone were able to invoke. "Or is it something else?" his voice lowered with dark amusement._

_"S-Something else?" L asked, in a sad attempt at detachment._

_Light allowed himself the barest touch of lips to skin. Feather-light. But control was such a hard thing to bear when he was being overcome by the heady scent that enveloped him and the warm flesh beneath his tongue._

_"L-Light?" the voice shook deliciously._

_Light sank his teeth into luxuriously yielding flesh,_ _pinning L against him and_ _loving the strain that arched the slim body against his and the gasp that tore from his throat. L's struggles were token resistance, he could feel the shudders as he mouthed and teased his skin and could hear half uttered syllables fall from the other boy's lips in a stream as Light's hand worked down his stomach and over a hip._

_Light's own breathing was coming fast. He marveled that merely touching someone else was burning him up like this. He sought L's lips and savored the pleasure that peaked in him at L's moan of protest, and the nails of his free hand digging into Light's shoulder._

_That's right L, I'll pull you down to my level._

_Scratching, and biting, if need be, until you lose yourself in this._

_Until you can't control one reaction, one thought, one look, without my consent.  
_

Light awoke instantly, his eyes greeted with the shinigami's grinning head floating before him like an evil piñata. "What?" he snarled, as he tried to get his bearings, his voice coming out weaker than he'd intended. Room... My room... No L... Dream... FUCK. Why did everything truly worthwhile have to be in a fucking dream sequence? Couldn't life put out a little??

Light took a bracing breath. His dream had been disrupted, but the evidence of his enjoyment, in tormenting the detective, was making his slacks distinctly uncomfortable and tight. Not to mention the desperate, throbbing _ache_ riding his body. He twitched. And all from a _dream_. He'd never had a dream like that about _anyone_. So why did the first time have to turn out like THIS? It had started out so well -

Vexation at the dream's interruption battled with his horror that Ryuuk was watching him unabashedly, and would have seen everything had he - climaxed.  
_  
Vile!_

"_**What are you doing in here?**_" Light hissed, sitting up and checking the time. 4:30am. He actually fell asleep in his clothes and slept through the night? _Disgraceful._ That meant he hadn't the chance to wash his face the evening before, or brush his teeth, or study. Now he was in wrinkled day-old clothes, a day behind in his studies, with an arousal he desperately hoped had gone unnoticed by the damn shinigami floating over his head like a decrepit vulture.

This was _pathetic_. If he ever got a hold of L, he was going have his way with him and make it as **humiliating** as possible.

"Apples?" Ryuuk said innocently.

"Like hell. I've already told you to just grab them yourself."

Ryuuk floated around the room a few times, with dangling limbs, laughing lightly to himself. He ended alighting on Light's bed and crouching over him. "I wasn't sure at first if the noises you were making meant you were ill," Ryuuk said, not sounding apologetic at all. "But with that nasty reaction, and your subsequent embarrassment, I realized my mistake." He grinned, "Apparently even _you_ are not above human desires."

Outraged, Light jumped to his feet. But, knowing there was nothing he could do to smite the fucking thing, he grabbed his bathrobe off the hook on the door and shut himself in the bathroom for a cold shower.

Cold water struck him like an insult.

He seethed.

W_hy would Ryuuk mock him for being human_? He glared at the wall, not really seeing it. _He __**was**__ human after all, so it was only to be expected!_

His hand formed a fist against the shower tile.

True... but then, why was it pissing him off so badly?

* * *

TBC


	5. Weekends are Made for Fun

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 5: Weekends are Made for Fun)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

* * *

Chapter 5:

Light left the campus with relief at 3pm Friday afternoon.

These last few days, his frustration had been eating him alive. It took monumental effort to avoid headquarters like he planned. To not stop by in the hopes he would be able to lay eyes on the dark-haired detective, who had completely stopped tailing him at school.

It was possible L had decided to work surveillance from afar, keeping watch through the cameras installed throughout the hotel room used as headquarters - as plentiful and haphazardly placed as a swarm of ants on a carcass.

If that were the case, he would not make things so easy. If L wanted to watch him, he would have to come out of his cave to do so. Light would make the appropriate excuses, plead off in favor of school, until this gridlock changed. He would stay out of reach until _Ryuuzaki_ was forced to move.

The train was crowded today, Light saw with distaste.

It always bothered him to have to endure strangers in his personal space. As if their very closeness could contaminate him. And well it could. Some of them were little better than filthy animals. The lowest sort of offal - people who allowed their minds to lie wasted and unused, or their bodies to rot when it housed their most precious asset.

Vermin. Some days he could near smell their stench and it made his skin crawl.

"Light-kun!" a girlish voice chirped in delighted surprise.

He stowed the sneer that begged to be free upon his face, cowed it with a brilliant smile as he looked up. "Ah, Yamada-san," he greeted with warm cordiality. "What brings you to the A train at this time? I thought you lived in the other direction?"

"Oh!" she flushed a little and twirled a piece of hair around a nervous finger. "I was going downtown... to shop for something to wear to the party?" she made fleeting, embarrassed eye contact, before staring at the ground. "You're going, right? Mika-chan said you'd promised to..."

"Saturday at 7pm, correct?"

She looked up, nodding eagerly.

Light felt a cloud of oppression settle about him. Downtown was another 5 stops from here. His was 2 after that. That meant 22 minutes of enduring this, of fighting to keep this lackluster communication continuing. All for the sake of appearance and social nicety. When he ruled the world he would abolish such inane and useless discourse under penalty of torture. People could damn well just sit and stare at each other for all he cared. If they had nothing worthwhile to relate they could practice the art of silence. Perhaps that would ultimately increase the intelligence of the world. They'd be forced to read or become cultured on the hopes of being allowed to speak. HA.

"Light-kun?"

"I'm sorry, Yamada-san," he apologized with a disarming smile. "I was thinking of all this work I have yet to accomplish... it is a little daunting, to be honest."

"Oh! Do you have an examination for one of your classes you need to study for? If it is English or Literature..." she trailed off a little, blushing again. "... I'm very good with those, so maybe I could help you with your studies?"

_As if!_ Had she somehow failed to notice he had never received less than a perfect score in English Language on the posting board when she was in the _very same class_? "That won't be necessary, although I appreciate your offer. Unfortunately, it is a little out of that realm."

"Oh.. like what?"

_Like world domination, you fool. _"Calculus 4."

Her entire being drooped. "O-Oh... um... I've never made it past Algebra... so um... well, good luck."

Feh. Luck had nothing to do with it. "Thank you." Ah, her stop was almost here. 40 seconds until they slowed and she could disembark. "I'm just glad it won't tie me up so much as to miss the party tomorrow. It's nice to be able to relax once in a while, don't you think?"

"Of course!" She perked back up under his attention and resettled her bag on her shoulder. "It's so great that you feel that way too... Some people feel too pressured to take a break even now and then." She eyed the slowing of the scenery outside the windows with disappointment. "Well, um, this is my stop... I guess I'll see you later?"

"Tomorrow night," he promised.

"Great!" She practically skipped off the train. It was amazing she didn't trip herself.

--

L hunched over a bowl of chocolate-covered cherries, and for once felt alarmingly unmoved.

He poked their luscious roundness with a listless finger and would just as soon chuck one at somebody's head than eat one.

"Yagami-san?" he called out to the police chief. He clenched his toes around the edge of the couch cushion.

"Yes, L?"

"Where did you say Light-kun has been these past few days?"

"He said he had tests to study for, and that he would be back to working the investigation as soon as possible," came the gruff response. Things had not quite been repaired between them. Light's father seemed to remain not-so-secretly bitter about his son being named a suspect.

"Ah." The cherries were of passable stackability.

"Is there any particular reason his absence warrants such notice?"

"Of course not, Yagami-san." _It just unsettles me. What has he been doing all this time? Does he really need to study that much? Tests never required such preparation on his part before.  
_  
"Then?"  
_  
Light's probably lying to you._ "Yagami-san, with the risk of sounding rude, I would like to remind you that I am heading this investigation." L stared at the cherries, willing the fifth in his current stack to stay balanced. "As such, I must know my alloted resources at all times. Light's assistance has been very useful and I would hate to lose that due to a misunderstanding."

"What misunderstanding?" Light's father looked suddenly very suspicious. The gears of his mind were turning, and it looked like it may have been painful. "Did he say anything... _strange_ to you?" He peered at L as if he were dreading the answer.

L maintained a reflective veneer, being quite fascinated by this odd display before him and wanting to study it for just a moment longer. Light's behavior had been a bit out of the ordinary, but L couldn't really mark any of what he'd said as _strange_. But perhaps the word meant different things to the two of them? "Define what you mean by strange, Yagami-san?"

"Uh - anything _personal_?"

Hmm. That was an unexpected response, though an intriguing one. "If Light-kun had said anything to me of a personal nature, it is likely I would not share it," he said honestly.

Yagami stared at him.

He stared back.

Yagami blinked at him.

L stuffed two cherries in his mouth and chewed.

Yagami looked rattled, and stiffly walked back to his computer. He began to hit keys in a rather listless fashion. He may also have been mumbling under his breath.

--

Light decided to kill two birds with one stone.

The party was an excruciating affair of offensively loud music, horrible dancing, public displays of sluttery, and excessive drinking all in one tiny space. If one were being gracious, they could call this place a house. It was dreadfully small and quite overcrowded. People were brushing up against him for the simple reason that there was no way to move around and do otherwise. Though several times the 'innocent' contact would be more accurately described as 'groping'.

To make the most of his sentence, he was searching for a suitable female for the role of girlfriend. He wanted no repeats of the atrocity his father had visited upon him with the dating conversation.

He sipped at a glass of ginger ale, and kept part in a conversation 3 of his classmates had decided to torture him with, while he focused his mind on the crowd.

His eyes seemed magnetically drawn to a dark haired boy who had peeled off from the masses to talk to a brunette, also a boy. He gestured loosely with a bottle in his hand that was most likely beer. Light looked more closely and found he recognized him. Memory served a blazingly detailed flash of that same dark-haired boy pushing one world-renowned detective hard up against the wall at school and kissing him open-mouthed and insistent. Light heard the slight crunch of brittle plastic as his hand gripped his cup too tightly.

Oh, but that face L had made when he came upon them. Heat flashed through him at the remembrance. L's startled eyes had locked on him and made that expression of sinful pleasure, absent before that moment.

_Oh, the things that look made him want do...  
_  
But no, he couldn't afford to think of that now. Not here.

He needed a distraction. He skimmed his eyes over the crowd. Girlfriend... girlfriend... Anyone would do. He just had a few basic criteria: Female, pretty enough to impress his family and not impugn his reputation; reasonably intelligent, but not so much that she would become a nuisance; and finally, someone who looked wildly different from L. The last was critical - he could not allow himself to become one of those people who settled for replacements of what they _really_ wanted. Because he fully intended to _get_ what he wanted. Also, his father was not a simpleton. If he brought home a girl that even slightly resembled the detective, there was a chance he'd figure it out.

He began to skim in earnest. No... No... Too short... too hoe-ish... too tall... too curvy... too - what the hell was that one _wearing_? Hideous.

His eyes snagged on someone else.

Oh, a blonde. That's different.

He narrowed his eyes, assessing. She dressed oddly, but in a very particular way, as if she put time and effort into it. She appeared fastidious, that was always essential. Somewhat short... though her platform boots hid that reasonably well. Hmm... Pretty enough, and if her questionable style made his parents uncomfortable they would be too focused on that to look too deeply into other matters. This... could be perfect. If only she isn't dreadfully annoying. Or stupid. That could throw the whole thing out. But there was no way to gauge her intelligence without hearing her speak.

He would have to go talk to her.

--

"Ohmigod! Light brought a girl home," Sayu squealed as Light entered the foyer with the girl called Misa Amane at 11:50pm Saturday evening.

He disliked the way she made it sound like an impossibility.

Her childishly cute face lit up as she saw an opening to dodge around her brother and get a better look at the visitor. "I'm Sayu," she chirped, giddy with excitement. Her eyes roved the goth-lolita-meets-denim look the blonde girl wore so comfortably. Light ignored the production and stepped out of his shoes.

A moment later his sister gasped and darted back around the corner. "Mom! Mom!" she cried in a stage whisper, "It's Misa-Misa! Ohmigod, Light's dating a _MODEL_!"

Light looked up at that. He hadn't known she was a model. Everything else became rather inconsequential once he learned she was the owner of a Death Note.

His mom and sister appeared in the entryway. "Heavens!" his mother exclaimed, "It is Misa-Misa! Oh my goodness, my dear, it is such a pleasure to meet you!"

Misa smiled at the attention and slipped her arm through Light's. "I'm honored to meet you Yagami-san," she greeted his mother. "Thank you for having me in your home." She tipped a graceful bow.

His mother twittered giddily, fawning over the "adorable", "polite", and "utterly sweet" girl that had chosen to give her son a chance. She began offering them tea and every baked good in the house.

Light extricated them from his family's grip, not without difficulty, and wondered if Misa's fame would work for or against him.

--

An hour later, Light had sent Misa home, and his father had arrived to be blasted with the news of Light's "super-awesome-cool" girlfriend. His sister had a way with words. She must've gotten it from her mother's side.

A brief knock at his door.

"Light?"

Light unlocked and opened it. "Yes father?"

His father motioned that they enter the room and close it. That accomplished, he said, "I just want to apologize again for that thing I said before."  
_  
Thing? The you wrongly accusing me of being __**gay**__ thing?_ "Oh father, I'd all but forgotten about that already. Why bring it up? It's water under the bridge."

"Well, your mother and sister have been gushing about this new girlfriend you brought home, and I -"

_Realize how utterly ridiculous your accusation was?_

"-I was worried that you felt pressured to date because of what I said."

Light's mouth dropped open the slightest bit.

"It's only been a few days since then and I can't help but think that. And you should date someone you like, after all."

"I like Misa," Light said through gritted teeth. "And I can't very well help when I met her."

"Ah..." Light's father ran his hand over the back of his hair. "Alright then. As long as it's what you want."

"It is." Light managed a passably convincing tone, though it galled him to have to say it. To say any of what he was saying. How could he possibly choose _Misa_ as a partner? She wasn't bad as far as girls go, but who he _wanted_, who he really wanted with every fiber and scrap of his being was-

"By the way, Ryuuzaki was asking when you might be back."

"Oh?" Light managed not to choke.

"Will your studies keep you from the investigation much longer? He seemed insistent that your contribution was sorely missed and that the investigation is all but gimping along without you."

"Did he now?" Light managed a small laugh. But the shock of the detective being brought up so suddenly, and his fierce desire to see those night-dark eyes in the flesh, made his chest constrict painfully.

"Light, I don't want you to feel pressured into doing too much... I know he respects your intelligence a great deal, and wants to utilize you in the investigation as much as he can, but I think he forgets that you are still in school and have other obligations whereas he does not."

"No father, it's quite alright. In the larger scope of things, attending school would seem of much less import than capturing Kira."

"I know you two are... friends-"

Light froze at that hesitation. Was his effort in gaining a girlfriend another classic case of _'a little too late'_?. Had his father already guessed it?

"-and you don't want to disappoint him by declining his requests for assistance, but you must not allow that to interfere with your studies."

"I would hardly call us friends, Father, and I work on the case because it interests me. This is the field I've chosen to pursue as my career after all. Working with L just happens to be an added benefit - that I can see one of the world's best detectives at work on a case that will likely be the most difficult I will ever see in all my years."

"Hmm." His father was nodding, a serious look on his face. "Sometimes I forget that part of it. That such an unlikely fellow is heir to such greatness. Working with him everyday, like we do... I suppose the reality of it just seems rather distant."

Light let disapproval color his voice, "Especially when he binges on candy like a 5 year old." _Though I would pay dearly to see even that right now. How long has it been since we last met, Ryuuzaki, L, whatever your true name is?  
_  
"Yes, there is that." The police chief agreed. He smiled for the first time since this conversation started.

"Tell him I will come in when I can. I admit that I did neglect my studies slightly, and I should reverse that before rejoining the investigation. I wouldn't want to reinforce any bad habits."

"I'll tell him tomorrow."

--

It had been two weeks. Two excruciating weeks. L paced the monitor room tirelessly.

He didn't think it would be this long. He hadn't expected it to be this boring, or himself to be so restless.

He'd fallen into bad habits, and now where had it gotten him?

After their last encounter, L had been avoiding Light. Something about it had seemed too immediate, too overwhelming, and too unfamiliar. So much so that he wasn't sure about how to act around the other boy anymore. He'd been afraid he was being teased, afraid of his reactions to that teasing, and unsure how to change the dynamic of their interaction into something less stressful. He was half dreading it happening again, and was half ashamed to find out he sort of wanted it to.

He'd compromised with himself by watching Light work via the video feeds he received in this room. He studied the other boy relentlessly, without worry of the task force members noticing him do so. He regretted the lack of time that afforded him with the other boy, as he could no longer continue tailing him at school for the same reason.

But it had been 2 weeks now. 2 weeks coasting on that flimsy excuse of _school_ that Yagami-san had presented him to explain Light's absence.

His brain was all but withering.

He missed the engaging conversation, the games of chess, they way they could communicate with just a look, and how their debates easily soared out of the grasp of understanding of everyone in the room.

Surely Light valued those things as much as he did? Was his not a spot that would be difficult to fill, should Light even have the thought to?

L damned himself for coming to care about this. Any of it. That he had ever started to crave friendship and acceptance. That he might have actually found it, but was terrified that he hadn't.

He'd been acting stupidly. Avoidance would not change whether Light was indeed a friend or not - it would merely delay the confirmation of it.

Logically, he could affirm that. But emotionally... he almost felt it better never to find out - so convinced was he that Light would prove the most traitorous sort of friend: The kind that never really cared at all.

--

Light was almost blinded with elation early Tuesday morning.

After nearly 2 and a half weeks, what sight greeted his eyes but the shifty, ducked head of L, watching him from the crowd of students overwhelming the school's courtyard. His sullen and dejected stance looked out of place amidst the brightly colored bustle, but Light loved him for it. For falling so neatly to his plan, though it took much longer than he'd expected.

He made his eyes flick past as if he had not seen the other boy at all and called out to a classmate he'd been subjected to at the party, as his smile leaked past his reserve, making a show of camaraderie for the benefit of watchful eyes.

He advanced into the building, savoring the prickle between his shoulder blades that was L's resentful stare. He'd dare say he felt almost giddy as everything turned full circle and all the pieces were falling into place.

Though L did not attempt to speak with him that day or the next, Light didn't care. Having that unparalleled focus leveled on him, where it should be, was enough to carry him for at least a week. He would start tearing L down soon enough.

--

L felt tormented.

His observations were confirming nothing positive. In fact, his subject seemed not to have noticed him at all. Though that couldn't possibly be the case...

Every new face, every new voice that sought Light out was a sharp pang in his chest. So many people vying for his attention... _And what am I but one more?  
_  
He wasn't sure how long he could take this.

But then, he didn't feel he could give up until he knew for sure.

He would have confronted Light directly, but he couldn't here... not when he was on such unfamiliar ground. But Light was choosing to remain absent from headquarters. So all he could do was wait and watch. And try not to let the structured, disciplinary hell of the place weigh too heavily upon him.

The biggest obstacle to that, of course, were the people.

Chattering cliques of girls how shot reproachful looks at you merely for walking by, the boys who rough-housed with their friends in a way that made you wish you could be a part of some accepting whole as they were. But there were loners too. Plenty of them. Ones with averted eyes and quick steps, ones with glassy eyes and a wandering gait, ones who blended in to the overwhelming mass of humanity as well as any puzzle piece.

He cataloged every detail. His mind ached with it - the useless observations. But he couldn't turn that part of himself off - he'd honed it for too many years.

How did Light do it?

How did he stay sane?

How much did it cost him to maintain the flawless persona he donned here?

L waded through bodies, moving bodies, suffering the impersonal touches of jostling one could expect in such a place, heading for an exterior door that right now looked like the holy grail. He pushed against the metal bar and slipped out of the building with mindless relief.

There were still people out here, but they were fewer in abundance and much quieter. He sat on a stone wall that edged some questionably cared for shrubbery, and waited for the echoing din from the halls to fade from his head.

He was hunched over, his head in his hand when he noticed a pair of shiny, waxed black boots, and dark plaid pants stop before him. He pretended to be zoned out, as if he was so deep in thought that he couldn't see them. He felt something like a pained scowl struggling to emerge as the owner of the boots spoke.

"I was wondering when I'd see you again," a vaguely familiar voice said.

L managed a bland expression before looking up.

The dark-haired boy from the assembly hall - the one who'd once backed him into a wall in a particularly compromising fashion - was standing before him.

L sighed dejectedly. He was about at his limit for dealing with anything. This did not bode well.

"Aww," the boy said with disappointment, plopping himself down next L, "So I guess you heard already, huh."

"Heard what?" L asked mechanically. Like anything happening in this school would actually concern him. He was an outsider here. A true fake. As fake as any name he'd ever given out for someone's use.

"You're kidding! You really don't know?"

"Know what? L said with exasperation.

"Well - I guess you were gone a few days..."

"More like 2 1/2 weeks," L interjected with annoyance.

"So it was," Graham said thoughtfully. "Why were you out?"

"I was ill."

"Hmmm, sorry to hear that. Because while you were out, it looks like you lost your chance."

"Chance?" What was this kid babbling about?

"Mmm-hmm. Light Yagami has snagged himself a girlfriend."

L was rather unprepared for the feeling of the earth giving way under his feet. _It shouldn't matter. _He stared at the immobile ground, and yet the feeling persisted. _Having a girlfriend is normal. That's probably the reason he hasn't had time for... for the investigation... _He felt ill.

L roused himself for speech, "How long has... When did this happen?"

"Ooooh," Graham drew the word out as he thought, "about 2 weeks ago?"

So the two did not directly coincide. It made him feel marginally better. But still...

"It's surprising, really," Graham was rattling on, "I've told you before that Light is a really difficult person to get close to. This is the first time I've heard if him dating anyone, and I've talked to people who've known him since Junior High."  
_  
So why now?_

"Huh?" the other boy responded to what L thought had been an unspoken question. "Well, I'm not sure. Maybe he finally snapped under the pressure of all that pent up sexual tension." Graham obviously meant it as a joke, but to L, it just wasn't very funny.

"That's a rather forward thing to say about someone you barely know," L said with a sharp edge to his voice.

Graham shrugged. "You asked. Besides, what gives you the right to tell me what I can and can't say about him? You hardly know him, either." Graham straightened up and peered at him with a speculative smile. "Unless... you do know him after all."

"Of course not." How can I claim to really know someone as elusive as Light? For all I know, I'm just acquainted with one of his false skins. As soon as he discards that, I'll be discarded by default.

Graham looked like he didn't believe him. "Oh, cheer up," he said lightly. "You may still get your chance. Relationships aren't forever."

And that was both mildly uplifting and wildly depressing all at the same time.

* * *

TBC


	6. Gravity Keeps My Head Down

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 6: Gravity Holds My Head Down. _Or Is It Maybe Shame?_)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

**ETA: **edited. heavily. (ff dot net totally gimped up italics, bold, and nixed my section breaks. it was awful. i am truly sorry)

* * *

Chapter 6:

This would be monumental.

No, it would be a disaster...

Monumental implied something good.

Nothing of the sort was expected by L as an outcome of this inevitable confrontation.

L held his head in his hands, having the privacy to do so since he'd left the school.

Would it be a confrontation? Didn't _that_ imply some gravity of feeling on the part of both involved parties?

An image of Light arose in his mind unbidden and suddenly he felt wildly sick.

Friendship with someone of equal standing would be just the thing to distract a genius who was also a recluse a little off the path of pursuit... wasn't that exactly the sort of conclusion Kira would draw? And the chances that Kira and Light were NOT one and the same? ...Let's just say that betting one's life on that would be a pretty successful suicide.

Friendship... L had to wonder if that was all this feeling stemmed from. Had Kira won an even bigger prize than he had planned for?

L decided not to let himself go down that path.

He clung to the friend notion. It was all he could handle.

Tomorrow he would settle it.

He was fairly certain that if he could see Light's face when he asked him about all this, that he would be able to ascertain any truth or lack thereof. He couldn't place why he thought he had that sort of skill, when he lacked so many others in the social realm, but the certainty remained.

Tomorrow...

His stomach lurched at the very thought of it.

Could he remain calm and unblinking delivering a show of insecurity such as this was? As he was letting someone know for the first time that he might actually need something from them... that he was at a disadvantage...

Good god. If he didn't believe so adamantly that alcohol destroyed precious braincells, he'd be well and on his way to getting totally, ridiculously drunk right now.

In fact, he was near considering breaking that personal commandment.

L buried his head in his arms.

Had he really fallen so low as this?

This was pathetic.

_Are you happy Light? I'm going to become an alcoholic, and then where will you be?  
_  
The Light in his head answered: _"Quite happy. Without you to pursue me, I will roam free and kill people all day long. MUAHAHAHAA. Ha."_

_I hate you._

_Phantom Light: __"Ah, so now you'll be an alcoholic AND a liar. Shameful, Ryuuzaki." -smirk-  
_  
"GrrAAAAAhHhh!" L growled in frustration, slamming his palms on the tabletop. "That sounds just _like_ something you'd say!"

_Get out of my head! Please... _

It was not the prickle of tears L felt then. No. It had to be some new allergy or something he'd never bothered to notice before now. Some horrible new pollen or some such thing that was so ghastly that it blurred your vision, too.

"Dammit..."

--

Light was reading his text on European History, relaxing at his desk with a warm mug of tea.

He was, at the same time, contemplating his strategy regarding his dark-haired, elusive quarry.

He turned a page with a lethargic hand and sipped his tea.

L had disappeared partway through the day today - not typical of his previous pattern. His shirking was a liability. It would become very difficult indeed if he went back into hiding... Light realized he would have to set things in motion as early as tomorrow. L had been growing steadily less predictable of late. For once, though, Light had no ready reasons to offer himself as explanation of this. Unless L had decided he wasn't good enough to be a suspect? Not good enough to keep watch over any longer?

Possible.

Maybe.

But it was equally likely that he was just feeling a sort of reluctance at admitting the pull that existed between them.

_Am I the first to get close to you like this, Ryuuzaki?  
_  
The thought was a gratifying one; It sent a faint flush of heat over his body.

_The first to corner you, the first to demand from you, the first that will claim you...The first to engage you both body and mind..._

Light leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, tea and book all but forgotten. _L, L... Ryuuzaki... do you even know what you do to me?_

His body thrummed with want, with expectation. With _need_ as all encompassing now as it was ignorable all these years past...

"Do you have any idea?" he whispered.

--

Wednesday. 8:32 am.

_Of course it had to be raining_, L thought bitterly.

Today of all days, he did not favor the thought of looking like a drowned rat.

Should that matter when you're only going to discuss a "friendship", you ask?

It doesn't.

At all.

But... but do you have any idea what this hair does when it gets exposed to the elements? To wind and rain? It... tries to curl up on the ends. And when thoroughly drenched it looks a little like I've melted - this hair slicks down past my shoulders.

I take it all back. Yes, it does matter when it is hashing out a friendship with _Light_ - who would likely see any such dishevelment as evidence of personal failing...

But there was nothing for it.

The rain had ambushed him as soon as he set foot on campus. And though it was tempting, he just couldn't make himself run for shelter. It was only rain, after all, and his pride wouldn't allow it.

--

L caught sight of Light shortly after the other boy's first class let out. L had refrained from going in, like he normally would have, as he was dripping a small flood of water and did not want to suffer the looks he'd receive sitting at one of the desks as water pooled beneath him. Drip, drip, drip. No.

He was leaning against a wall off to the side, as he waited, so he was not surprised the brunette failed to notice him when he emerged with the other students. But it did annoy him. How long had it been since Light had acknowledged him? How long, when it used to be that their gazes would find each other almost magnetically, regardless of which way they were facing or what occupied them?

How long since he'd seen those warm gold eyes head-on? came the sullen thought.  
_  
No, no, stick to the annoyance,_ L reprimanded himself. He was stronger with anger. Sadness was weakness.

He peeled himself off the wall, and trailed the brunette.

He focused on the shine of perfectly dry, perfectly arranged, silky, light brown hair. He took in the confident stride, the self-assured set of the shoulders, each thing a sharp jab in his chest. He marveled at the way Light's clothes fit like they were made for him and lent him an air of casual, effortless class. So at odds with his own appearance, all of it. Light was just... enviable.

L's eyes were drawn unwittingly to Light's slim waist, the straight flare of his hips, and down the path of his long, long legs. He was also... desirable.

It didn't mean anything if he admitted that. The evidence was plain to see on the faces of many who he passed. Envy, desire, awe.

And several weeks ago, he had thought he might be friends with such a person. It had not occurred to him then that he might not possess the proper criteria to be as such.

He had taken any courting of friendship as his due. He hadn't realized...

"WOW are you wet, Ryuu."

L suppressed a twitch and spared a baleful glance at Graham. "Yes, I had noticed." Figures, he couldn't get Light's attention no matter how hard he pursued... but here he had this boy's attention in abundance.

Graham had fallen in pace with him, and just now panned his eyes up L in leisurely appreciation. "Looks good on you." he reached out and brushed fingers lightly down L's side. "Hmm. See-through," he said more to himself.

L didn't think either comment justified a response.

He looked back at the crowd, and to his annoyance, Light had slipped away from him in that split-second of distraction. "Damn it," he muttered.

"What's wrong?"

"You made me lose him." How aggravating.

"Who, Light?"

L sent him a complicated glare.

"Well, it was a likely guess," Graham said defensively. "Besides, he's just over there." The light-eyed boy jerked a thumb towards a place not 20 feet from where they were standing.

L felt his feet slow.

All he seemed to be able to focus on was Light's hand on someone's shoulder.

A very delicate bare shoulder, with very blonde hair swept over it. _The girlfriend? _His eyes seemed rooted to the spot, unable to look past it to the owner of that well-formed hand, after his fleeting recognition. It was as if his eyes were afraid to catch an expression on the other boy's face that they couldn't erase... some tender look befitting a newly forged couple...

Beneath the blonde hair he could see a thin black strap, part of a corset-style top. Above that, a pale throat and a pretty face filled with adoration. Her eyes closed, her lips brushing a pair of sensuous ones that tilted delicately down.

L felt his throat start to constrict. _It doesn't matter. It's only to be expected._

He made his gaze travel up, past Light's aristocratic nose, and found himself falling into the deep intensity of a glowing amber gaze.

L felt his face flush at the utter look of lust that was in those eyes, eyes that were acknowledging him at last, reasserting that neglected connection in a highly intimate fashion. They made a slow sweep up his body that made him feel as if he were wearing nothing at all. The self-satisfied look that surfaced on the other boy's face, openly admitted knowledge of L's existence from before this moment. Light's lids lowered and and a sultry smile began to slowly curve his lips.

L was so shamefully enthralled with the perfection of that mouth that he almost didn't notice the girl start to turn to see what was distracting her boyfriend from kissing her.

Before she could, Light dipped his head to speak at her ear, while meeting L's gaze through the tops of his eyes. The intensity -and everything else- as present as before, if not more so. The link between them solidified, tightened, threatening to pull them together impossibly.

It was too raw.

He felt like he was burning alive, and it was wrong, so wrong.

L turned and started walking away before he even realized it. Unwittingly fleeing the scene before he lost what little control he had.  
_  
What was he thinking?_

What could he possibly be thinking??

Pulling something like that with his girlfriend right there? Wasn't he concerned that she might notice... L felt a dreadful realization begin to dawn on him. What if he didn't care if the girlfriend noticed... What if that was less important than seeing what reaction his behavior might garner?

Does he already know?

_That I..._ L couldn't bear to finish the thought. He ducked into an abandoned alcove, needing a moment. His fingers dug into his arms as they crossed protectively over his chest. A worthless barrier against the riot of his insides.

_Was that the source of those heady looks?_

Is he taunting me with it?

His back slid down the wall, leaving him in a mockery of his comforting crouch. His hands were shaking as they clenched bruisingly through the damp white fabric of his cold shirt. _How callous he is..._

L dropped his head to his knees.

It was done then...

He had the proof he needed.

Now he just had to find some way to deal with it, and himself.

--

Nowhere.

_**Nowhere.**_

Light's frustration peaked. Everything had gone perfectly... Everything except the end. He hadn't expected L to turn on his heel and vanish. Now he could find no trace of the dark-haired detective and he had the feeling that something irrevocable had taken place.

It had been so **hard **to pretend he was unaware of the other boy's presence all this time.

But he'd managed, and executed his maneuver perfectly - capturing L unawares and forcing his reaction to himself in a compromising situation. It was all he could have hoped for. Fear had actually shown on L's pale face for an instant before it was swallowed by his practiced blankness.

But he hadn't kept such a stoic look when seeing Light kiss someone else. He'd looked almost pained. And when Light was able to capture his gaze, to reopen the channel between them and force-feed through it every emotion and every craving he'd felt the last many weeks...

The reaction had been delicious.

He closed his eyes and allowed himself to savor the image that had been emblazoned in his mind. L's unconsciously parted lips, the hazy flush across his pale cheeks, the almost drugged look in those large dark eyes, and the impression that if Light had but beckoned him...

L had tipped his hand - he could no longer hide the effect Light had on him, that he more than shared Light's sentiments.

But he could hide _physically_, much to Light's annoyance.

What was the use of hiding anyway? Their joining was inevitable, L just had to own up to that and stop thinking he had any choice in the matter.

Light kept scanning the students for a glimpse of white shirt and messy dark hair.

Misa had protested his sudden departure, but he waved it off with a distracted excuse. His only concern was L. He had to know what was going on in his mind, and the reason for his hasty retreat. Surely he hadn't somehow mistaken something? He'd been blatantly obvious...

If that was the case, Light would gladly press him up against the nearest wall and convince him more thoroughly.

--

Light entered headquarters for the first time in weeks, interrupting what looked like... a meeting?

"Ah, Light-kun," L said blandly. "Nice of you to join us, finally." He stirred his hot cocoa after a precursory glance. It was a special blend of cocoa, straight from the British Isles, and very, very expensive. A Christmas gift from Watari. He'd been holding back on it for what seemed like a ridiculously long time.

Light maintained a surprised silence.

"Are you quite finished with-" L turned to Light's father, "-school, was it?"

Yagami-san nodded.

L turned back to Light. "Right. Are you done with your examinations or whatever it was that was taxing your concentration?"

"Yes," Light answered stiffly. "All but one went exceedingly well."

"Hmn," L said noncommittally, indicating he was done with the younger boy, and started sipping his luxuriant hot cocoa. Oh, but it was blissful. Excruciatingly blissful. But he mustn't forget the task at hand. "Mogi-san? Where are we at with the Hindelburg profiling reports?"

"Ah, they are just 2 days out from being completed."

L turned to Aizawa. "Reflective graph of frequency statistics?"

Aizawa's dislike for L was usually below the surface, but just now he looked like he'd eaten something moldy. "36 hours, depending on the data from the Shimajiri and Umeda Districts."

"Ah, good."

L slurped his cocoa almost pointedly, to the mild discomfort of everyone in the room. When he finished, he set his mug down began an intricate debate with Yagami-san over the usefulness of cross-checking the Kyūshū & Okinawa Prefectures against the newest information they'd gathered.

Light felt like he was in a daze. He had not seen L whip them all into such organized shape in a long while, nor had he not been a part of it. He was being ignored? "Ryuuzaki..." It felt odd calling him that, when it was most definitely **L** who was in charge here at this moment. "Isn't there something you needed me to do?"

L looked over at him apathetically.

Light waited expectantly, searching for a glimmer of unease or uncertainty, or anything he'd seen of L's behavior in the past several weeks.

"Help Matsuda," L said and turned back to the elder Yagami.

_You BITCH, _Light thought at the detective, indignation coursing through his body. _We both know Matsuda is about the most useless- jfdhjsvdcsHKJVHJKDShjgdxc_

--

"Hi, Light!" Matsuda piped as Light skulked over to his section of the room. "It's so cool that you're going to be helping me." He smiled adoringly. "I'm making pie-charts," he said in a confidential, self-important whisper.

Observing Matsuda was like watching a two year old discover its toes.

The conditioned response for most humans was to speak a few octaves higher and be indulgent, and he was not immune. "Are you now?" he said with forced cordiality and interest. _Shoot me. SHOOT ME. Oh god, give me a gun, I'll do it myself. Only give me_ two _bullets. L is _begging _for it._

"Uh-huh. See the blue here, and the mauve? Well..." Light was desperately trying to tune it out, the useless tripe that Matsuda hadn't realized was L's version of busy work.

"And..." Matsuda was saying, "It's kinda weird how Ryuuzaki has you helping _me_, isn't it? I mean, he's always given you the most challenging work... and I'd **like** to think that he's finally acknowledged my contribution to the investigation... but it really does seem that maybe he's just displeased with you or something, doesn't it?"  
_  
L, even MATSUDA has noticed. If _that _doesn't say you're being obvious, I don't know what does._

"Perhaps," Light mock-considered, delicate concern threading his voice. "Maybe I should go speak with him." There was no maybe about it! L had gone too far, and it was his own fault if Light walked over there and-

"Or," Matsuda rushed to say, "you might wait a while? At least until he and your father have finished their discussion?"

"Mn." Light made himself retake his seat. He couldn't do even half of what he'd like to do to L, let alone strangle him. He also preferred not to subject himself to his father's scrutiny in L's presence or rely on L behaving and not saying things that would stoke the fires of suspicion - because he would - just to be a pain in the ass.

"Do you want anything, Light? I could buy you a soda... or tea?"

Matsuda's smile was warm and flustered. Light gagged at the thought of whatever it was the man had in his fluffy excuse for a brain. He sent glares at L's back wishing him harsh and speedy retribution for this heinousness.

Light forced a smile. "No, nothing, thank you."

"Are you sure?" Matsuda looked disappointed.  
_  
Why, are you going to slip something into my drink?, _he thought drolly. Who knew, Matsuda could be one of the quiet sort that resorted to drastic measures when things didn't go his way. It was a classic turned-down-at-the-bar move.

No, no, he wasn't the type. But still, it was ghastly that he was exhibiting _date_ behavior. There was nothing else it could be. But what in the name of God and humanity would possess the idiot to think that Light would accept his overtures?

"I'm fine. I think... you may be right. Ryuuzaki must be upset with me somehow..." Light funneled as much naivety and pure-hearted despair into his voice as he could muster, "I can't really concentrate like this. I should just go talk to him."

Light was becoming willing to deal with his father if it meant escaping these awkward attempts of his companion. So he liked a boy, **one** boy - that didn't mean he all of a sudden had no _standards_. Even though he wondered at his choice of such an infuriating, obnoxious boy...

...who was also a phenomenal strategist with an unparalleled mind for logic and deductive reasoning... who had a rare smile that, while small, was completely genuine and precious.

Damn.

Maybe he should strangle L before his thoughts were completely taken over.

Light stood, locking eyes on the back of his target, and was galled that the lines of L's back and the curve of his shoulder that were visible past the back of the chair he occupied were so intriguing. The over-sized, long-sleeved shirt draping his thin frame made him look fragile and small, although Light knew he was not. It gaped at the neck, exposing the sweep of his collar bones, and framed his pale, graceful throat and the inviting line of his jaw.

Light became aware of a hand on his arm, holding him back.

He looked down and found that the dark-haired man-boy (for while he was old enough to be a man, he acted more the child) was clinging to him with a dismayed and ingratiating look. "Light, where are you going? L already told you what you should do - it would be pointless to talk to him again so soon- "

"Matsuda-_san_," Light said sternly. He had become increasingly annoyed with Matsuda's informal mode of address. In most circles, calling him other than "Yagami-kun" would be considered highly improper. "Please remove your hand." It was also ballsy, or in this case stupid, to deem one's self worthy of laying hands on _him_.

Matsuda cowered under his disapproval, and the hand slunk back to his side. "I'm sorry Light-kun."

Light nodded. "If you'll excuse me."

--

"Ah, Light!" Yagami senior greeted his son. "I was just telling Ryuuzaki about your new girlfriend."

"Oh?" _Why in the hell had __**that**__ come up?_

"He's _quite_ jealous."

Light felt a surge of hope but quashed it quickly. Surely if L voiced any sort of emotion towards him, his father would sound less... bubbly? Was it wordplay then? Was the detective admitting something, if only he could weed through their higher channels of communication to find the hidden meaning? Was he finally going to get a glimpse past L's new stony veneer?

"The famous Misa-Misa," L said. "Light, you never cease to surprise me."

There was nothing further in his look to indicate whether the supposed jealousy was towards himself or Misa. L was at his most ambiguous now. He was trolling for responses, cataloging reactions, and none of his comments could be trusted or taken in context.

"Ryuuzaki has been a fan for years, isn't that funny?" Yagami senior said. "I never would have guessed."

_Funny? Try inaccurate._ L wasn't a fan. L had not focused on Misa for even a moment that time. L had been focused on him, and he on L, and Misa had been no more than a prop. How exactly was that fanboy behavior?

"Neither would I," Light said with slight surprise. He turned to L and said conversationally, "I did not even know she was a model at first, but my mother and sister, well-" polite laugh, "Wherever did you hear of Misa, Ryuuzaki?"

"T.V."

_Liar._

"I didn't know you watched television."

"There are a lot of things about me that Light-kun doesn't know."

L's gaze met his, and the dark eyes were reflective, showing nothing.

Yagami-san coughed pointedly.

"I would assume nothing less," Light said, ignoring his father, "but if there were something you wished me to know, perhaps it would be better if you came out with it."

"Now, now," Light's father said hurriedly, "let's have none of that." He put a hand on Light's shoulder and tried to encourage him out of the deadlock stare in which the two were engaged.

"No," L said, waving him off, "your son has a point."

Light bristled at the 3rd person address.

"I have been wondering at his lack of follow-through."

"Would you mind not acting like I wasn't here?" Light gritted out.

L turned back to him. "My apologies, Light-kun. That was rude of me." The apology lacked a certain something. Sincerity, was it?

"Where, exactly, do you find me to be lacking?" Light demanded.

A flicker of emotion passed through L's eyes, buried and non-existent almost as soon as he'd witnessed it. Dull eyes regarded him. "I find it exceedingly hard to believe that someone who claims to be as dedicated as you, and with _your_ intelligence, could allow yourself to deceive us as to the real reason for your absence - and with such a flimsy excuse as 'school'. Are you really the sort of person with such a shallow sense of duty that you would allow dating to get in the way of your obligations? That you would ignore any effect that would have on how people perceive you?"

Light gaped a little. L was subtly whipping out all of the inconsistencies, splaying them on the table in his concise way, and showcasing them for his father. School was a flimsy excuse, true, but one that had worked for him for years. His family had no reason to doubt it as he had always underplayed his intelligence. And the notion that he would allow dating to impede anything was ludicrous, especially if it affected how people perceived him.

L was calling him out, asking him the real reason a person like him was leaving false trails of that sort - wanting to know what was of greater import to him than his precious self-image.

His father might not infer all of that, but this would be causing him some trouble for a while.

"Ryuuzaki, I'm not sure what to say..." Light spread his hands and looked at him unhappily. "Have you never been in love?"

Shocked reactions all around.

Light hadn't actually meant to let that slip, but it would be assumed that he meant Misa, so it wouldn't be much of a problem. But part of him wanted L to know - wanted to answer his question as to what could make him act outside of his usual patterns - and that it would take nothing less than this blinding desire he had to be with him. Possibly the only thing that would evoke self-sacrifice.

Yagami senior was torn between jubilation, worry, and confusion. The first because he could lay to rest his suspicion that his son was a deviant, the second because he was convinced his son _was_ a deviant and might be acting merely to conceal it, the third because he didn't like the hinting L had done at Light's untrustworthiness. "Light... you're in love with Misa?"

"...I hate to admit as much..." Light trailed, hoping his father would take the ambiguous answer to mean yes, while giving L more reason to doubt.

"When did you discover this, Light-kun?" L asked dejectedly, still playing the obsessed-Misa-fan card.

Light looked L squarely in the eyes. "Several weeks ago." _That's when all this started, L, when you began to intrude into my every thought. Misa was merely to forestall my father. I could never care about such a creature._

Flicker. There it was again, some small change in L's dark eyes that was as elusive as his smiles could be.

"Too bad for you, Ryuuzaki," Yagami senior laughed awkwardly. "If Light feels that way, I have no doubt he'll convince her to feel the same."

"Nor have I," L said noncommittally. "Light-kun can be very convincing."

_Let me be alone with you for but a few moments, and I'll show you convincing. _Something in his expression must've shown because the detective's face betrayed another infinitesimal reaction.

"For instance," L stated, "One would think that a public display of a physical nature, even with one's boyfriend, would incite the kind of negative publicity that models try to avoid. Light-kun must have been exceptionally charming and insistent for Misa-Misa to risk any amount of tarnish to her career."

_Dammit, L!!  
_  
Light turned to his father who was regarding him with a look that heralded nothing but trouble.

"Light," he said with disconcerted confusion, "I thought you said that such actions were of the lowest sort? That you couldn't tolerate, how did you phrase it, 'the pawing of females that men do to show their interest'?"

Light fought the trapped and flustered feeling that was welling up alarmingly. L was regarding him with a raised eyebrow, and the most emotive face he'd seen yet.

THIS was why he kept all of his points of contact separate and compartmentalized - once they compared information, the results could be disastrous. For one, he always catered his speech to the listener. What he said to his father, he would never have said in L's presence. There was too much that could be read into it. And what could he say in his defense? He did in fact feign physical interest in Misa in public. Though it was to get at L, he couldn't very well say so. He was stuck being humiliated that he had behaved in a manner that was contrary to his professed feelings about the matter. All because L chose to open his mouth and get the drop on him. Again.

"Father, it was hardly the situation that Ryuuzaki has so vividly painted. It was barely a kiss, and a common enough greeting for students who are involved with each other. I assure you that no one but Ryuuzaki thought anything of it, and that could be attributed to his apparent jealousy."

"..." L was glaring at him.

Light felt triumph sizzle sweetly in his veins. The two of them knew who L had been jealous of, and it wasn't Light. Thank the powers that be, he'd found a way to turn this cumbersome line of conversation back on the detective, transferring himself out of the hot seat. The ire the dark-eyed boy was displaying now was an added bonus.

"Yagami-kun is not very nice," L pouted, hiding away again.

"That's not true, Ryuuzaki," Light pursued this on the fake level L had transitioned the game to. "Why would you say such a thing?"

"Friends do not tease on such a level."

Oh, well _that_ could be taken two different ways... A friend would not intentionally kiss their girlfriend in front of a friend who liked said girl - flaunting what they had. But a friend would also not tease on an intimate level, the way that Light had been doing while pursuing L. One meaning for his father to take, and one meaning that was the reality.

"Are we friends, Ryuuzaki?" Light had to be careful here - his father was watching this like a hawk, and likely remembered Light announcing with surety that he and the detective were not friends.

"Perhaps not, though I've thought the potential is there." L's voice was flat, matter-of-fact. He was locking out his emotions again. A casual observer might not detect this, but the more deadpan L was, the more he was secreting away. He could not do that and playact at the same time very effectively.

"So have I, though I never would have expected you to express a desire for friendship." Good god, he was echoing his father's words. But his choice of dialogue was limited with his father in attendance... crippled even.

"And why should I have to ask? Is true friendship not freely given? Or is it the empty shell of social niceties we are discussing here?"

L was... L was actually bothered at the thought that they might not be friends? "Ryuuzaki..."

L held up a hand. "Do not worry about it, Light-kun. I don't want the same friendship you offer to everyone else." He sighed and got to his feet. His dark eyes were trailing the floor. "If you'll excuse me, Yagami-san, Light-kun. I have other matters I really must attend to."

With that, L left the room.

Light suppressed the urge to go after him. Damn his father.

"That was an odd conversation, to say the least," Yagami senior said slowly.

Light was in no mood. "I hope you don't expect me to make sense of it. The most I can say is that the pressure of the investigation must finally be getting to him."

"..." Yagami-san was silent a moment. "What are you going to do now that you know L likes Misa?"

Light scoffed before he could stop himself.

_L like Misa?_ The very idea was so preposterous he could hardly play that charade properly. "There is nothing to be done. I was unaware until this moment. Besides, people's affections are not so easily rearranged. Even had L had some sort of social arena in which to meet Misa before I did, I doubt that she would have had the same sort of interest in him." Unless, of course, Ryuuzaki was Kira. Then Misa could have transferred all her clingy obsessiveness to him. _Though that might have proved very annoying._

"What did he mean by not wanting the same friendship you have with other people?" Light's father was frowning. "I can take that one of two ways, and I don't particularly like either."

Light blinked innocent eyes. "I'm not sure what you mean?" He was counting on his father not wanting to reiterate the obvious possibilities.

"Well... either he's implying that the quality of your typical friendships is sub-par, or he is expressing a wish to have something more meaningful than that with you." Yagami-san peered at his son. "Now, which do you think it might be? And I expect a non-evasive answer this time."

Great, now L has made his father even more paranoid. "Ryuuzaki has been observing me at school, as you know," he began. His father nodded. "It is likely he sees my acquaintanceships and views them as farces of friendship... not realizing that true friendships are not so common. So, I would say that both interpretations are partially accurate."

"And what if Ryuuzaki is looking for something a little closer than friendship?" Yagami-san pressed.

"I hope you're not implying-"

"I am."  
_  
Shit. What had gotten into his father these days that he should have to constantly defend against inquisitions such as these?? _"Then how is it he would be jealous that I'm dating Misa? It's preposterous."

"Unless, he wasn't jealous of you, but of Misa. It isn't a large leap of logic to assume someone of his intellect would need more than a pretty face to become truly interested in someone."

_Stop figuring things out!_ Light tried to stay calm. He did not like being on the receiving end of his inherited intelligence's powers of deduction. If he had ever doubted, which he hadn't, his brains were bestowed as a gift from his father's side. He cursed that now. It would be much easier if it were his mother instead - she wasn't running around loose to throw him into evaluations like this at any moment.

"Are you saying that Misa is mentally lacking?" he said with an edge to his voice, seeing an opportunity to take the offensive. "That she is too stupid for Ryuuzaki to like? And what does that say for your assessment of my taste, I wonder?" God, he really wanted to say that anyone too stupid for L was too stupid for him, but his father was, as of yet, largely unaware of how closely matched their intellects truly were.

"Light, that's not-"

"I'm going home," he announced, a faint scowl on his face. Not enough to be disrespectful, but enough to convey his displeasure. He needed to get out of here before his father tried to elaborate further. Because that would go nowhere good.

--

In the hallway, Light paused to consider. His father would likely not be home for hours - which afforded him some leeway.

Maybe he could find L after all.

* * *

TBC

.  
A/N:  
The chapter title is a snatch of lyrics from the song "If you tolerate this.." by David Usher on the Hallucinations album  
((The previous chapter's title, if you caught that, lived in an 80s song. But 'weekends are made for fun' is also a saying, so no song credit.))

.  
Thank you, reviewers!  
I love you and promise to give massive hugs then stalk you (and then set up under your bed to write death note porn. xD). Or perhaps I should just hand out cookies? Oh, decisions... porn or cookies...


	7. Two for the Show

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 7: Two for the Show)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

* * *

Chapter 7:

As suspected, the lobby attendant wasn't in the least bit suspicious when Light asked what room his "uncle" Watari was staying in. Under the influence of his dazzling smile, she was tripping over herself to be helpful. She even rang his room to make sure he was there, telling the older gentleman that she was just checking to make sure his accommodations had been pleasing so far.

When she hung up, she beamed at him and gave him the number on a slip of paper so as not to alert her supervisor to just how helpful she was being.

"Thank you," Light checked her name badge, "Minami-chan."

"You're welcome," she fluttered. "Will you be by again?"

He noticed she had scrawled a little heart on the back of the note. "That is almost certain," he said enigmatically. _Since headquarters is here_, he amended mentally. But it couldn't hurt to keep on her good side. He might need something later.

He took his leave, shrugging off the cloying effect of her adoration with a mild shudder. Infatuated girls were woefully tedious. Why was it that their brains abruptly fizzled out and they were able to do nothing but spout useless social drivel like a freaking recording while batting their eyelashes, to the exclusion of anything that would be of actual INTEREST?

Room 614.

He took the elevator on the far side of the lobby. No need to endure being watched in his six-floor ascent. Glass elevators. Where they really necessary?

--

Watari answered on the second knock and stepped outside of the room, looking mildly surprised to see him.

"To what do I owe this visit, Yagami-kun?" He was putting on brown English coat with leather patches on the elbows. "I was just on my way out to the dining hall bordering the fountain... lovely ambiance, and they do not mind my pipe." He patted one of his front pockets. "I assume you were the reason my comfort was asked after?"

Light nodded and kept a steady projection of benign concern. "I truly apologize for such... roundabout ways of contacting you, but I couldn't leave this be for so long." It really irked him that Watari and L were unreachable. He hoped this was being as inconvenient as possible for the man.

Watari raised whitened brows.

"I'm worried about Ryuuzaki..." Light made a show of anxiously smoothing his shirt. "He's been acting strangely the last several weeks, as I am sure you have noticed..."

"I have."

"And I can't help but think it is my fault somehow."

Watari remained silent, but with a thoughtful expression. He was remembering L's obsessive re-watching of task force footage, especially that which contained none other than Yagami Light. "A possibility, I suppose," he relented to the young man. "And what do you propose to do about it?"

"If you could tell me where he is - I merely wish to speak with him. He was saying strange things about friendship, but then on the whole, he's been avoiding me..."

Watari smoothed his mustache and considered.

L had expressly told him that if Light ever came looking for him, to keep him away. His reason being that Light might be Kira, yada yada. It was also the same excuse he gave for watching Light for countless hours in the monitor room at high zoom, when he thought Watari wasn't looking. And again, the same reason he gave for tailing the younger boy at school when the investigation would easily progress more if he was spending those hours actually compiling and sorting data. It didn't take a genius to add it up.

Watari looked at the earnest boy in front of him and weighed the consequences.

L had been miserable lately. He'd been known to go into sulks before, but nothing like those he'd been undergoing since meeting the younger Yagami. L also had a penchant for not knowing what was good for him. He said to bar Light, but L wouldn't be in any more danger from Kira here, if the brunette was in fact Kira, than he would have been any of the times he'd been alone with Light. Besides, they knew now that Kira needed a name and that would not be forthcoming. So perhaps this once, he would choose to ignore his charge's instructions.

"He's in the study," Watari said in his stately voice.

Light was surprised. He would have expected the two to have separate suites.

Watari picked up on the thought. "It became too cumbersome with all the moving around. And needlessly expensive."

Light nodded, still amazed that Watari was actually going to leave L alone with him, seeing as he was a suspect.

"Yagami-kun. You have not been eased of suspicion," Watari informed him gravely. "I'm allowing you to speak with Ryuuzaki for other reasons." Light looked properly submissive, which was probably the only logical way to act after being chastised. They really were alike in some ways. Hardly ever an honest reaction - everything was thought out and pre-planned. "I'll be back soon," he said, placing his hat on his head and tipping it in Light's direction.

--

L had been over it a million times now, and he still didn't know what to think. He'd peeled back every layer of the conversation, delved into the dialogue each one of them had contributed, and still...

He couldn't confidently say whether Light had been jerking him around or not.

The brunette had, however, used every opportunity to speak over his father's head, even down to the most subtle nuance of expression. As if trying to forcibly open the dormant link between them that L was doing his damnedest to keep shut down.

All appearances would speak to him feeling completely hampered by the girlfriend Misa, and that he was as frustrated with these games and the circling as L was. And yet, given the first opportunity, the hinting at his disbelief in L's supposed Misa-crush and the alluding to where his jealousy truly lay...it was as if Light were reminding him that he was supposed to be smothered by the weight of these misplaced feelings.

And indeed he was. Keeping a blank face was not as easy as it used to be. Especially with Light peering at him, studying him for signs of life.

Stranger still was Light's admission of love, though he balked at confirming it directly, choosing ambiguity which was typically the other boy's way of leading a person to believe something was true when it was, in fact, not.

Another smack to his own feelings then? But then why that particular choice of words? _'...I hate to admit as much...'_ he'd said, leading one to assume that he was merely shy. But then why the intent look Light directed at him right after? A look that practically smacked of 'don't believe me'.

L scowled.

He'd already decided he was done.

Done.

He would not allow Light to push him around like a willing pawn. He'd given the other boy his most honest attempt at friendship, and though he'd become tangled in things far deeper, which wasn't the brunette's fault, it would go no further.

Today was difficult - he'd had a hard time acting out the emotionless detective part that used to be so natural - but tomorrow would be easier. And the next, easier. He closed his eyes. Light could just rot with that famous, peroxided bimbo he called a girlfriend for all he cared. It was his own damn fault if he was dating someone he didn't like. _It's no concern of mine._

L sank deeper into the tub and blew some water bubbles in irritation.

They say that no man is an island, but he was resolving himself to proving that little proverb wrong. No distraction, no hurt, it sounded fucking fantastic.

"There you are." A voice that was most definitely not Watari's startled L into nearly choking on soapy bath water.

L's eyes felt wide as saucers, his heart beating frantically in his chest as he watched the topic of his thoughts walk into the bathroom. "_Light??_ What are you doing in here??"

Light casually took a seat on the closed lid of the toilet next to the tub. "I wanted to talk to you."

"Right now?" L squeaked out. "Can't it wait a few minutes?" _Like when I'm not naked??_

Light shrugged. "You're more than welcome to leave, I suppose. I certainly can't keep you here."

L eyed his clothing on the distant counter and the towel that was more than arm's reach away. "We can talk..." he relented, wondering how long the bubbles were likely to last. 15 minutes? 10?

--

Light couldn't believe his luck. What a compromising situation to find the other boy in.

He'd roamed through the suite - it was larger and more opulent than he had expected - and was surprised at the number of rooms it contained. The lamp in the study had been on, but the room was empty. He found that one other room had a light on under the door. Apparently L had changed his mind about working and had decided to bathe.

The dark-haired boy did not notice as he pushed the door open.

He did not realize Light's presence until he spoke, and at that he nearly drowned himself with his startled flailing.

He very nearly reminded Light of a scared rabbit. His hair was slicked down, making his dark eyes look exceptionally wide, and his shoulders curved forward protectively. Light wondered if his heart was beating just as fast. It was also rather endearing the way he tried to sink below the water as if he could hide his body, or erase the glimpse of smooth, glistening skin Light had been privy to just seconds before.

L was suitably self-conscious and wary, completely at odds with his high-handed behavior earlier. Entirely different from the all-powerful, emotionless, world-class detective.

It made it quite easy to relax and talk to him about nothing in particular.

It was a joy to watch the paranoia and confusion cloud him as he tried to figure out Light's true intent.

--

"Light... not to sound rude, but I fail to see why you think this conversation, pleasant as it may have been otherwise, demands such immediate attention."

"Oh, it doesn't," Light said, gracing him with a smile.

L frowned, disconcerted. "Then why... "

"I'm waiting for all the bubbles to expire."

L felt his face go red at the implication. "W-what the-! I actually thought you had something _important_ to say, and you-!"

"Oh, but I do." Light leveled him with a glance that made him aware of every inch of bare skin, and how very much he was at the brunette's mercy. L's anger died like a beaten thing. His flush however, lived to fight another day.

"Enough games, Light, I'm sick of it."

L tried to affix his stoic detective mask to his face. He tried to pretend he was fully clothed and that Light wasn't leaning over the tub.

"Isn't the water getting a bit cold, Ryuuzaki?" Light dipped his fingers into the water and swirled them around.

L flinched as he felt the disturbed water caress his skin. Light's hand was very near to his hip. Mortified, he felt his body stir to the thought of just _how_ close that hand was. He beat the reaction down brutally. Or at least he tried to.

"What was all of that about today?" Light asked him in a cavalier manner, as if it didn't matter one way or the other. His slender index finger was trailing the surface of the water directly over L.

L tried to sink lower into the tub, but he didn't really have anywhere to go. "Could Light-kun be a little more specific?"

Light leaned over him, until they were almost nose-to-nose. "What are you hiding behind that cold facade?"

L felt his eyes get as big as ones like his ever got. He could feel Light's breath on his lips. Soft bangs brushed his cheek. The air between them felt heavy and charged. L struggled to breathe. "I'm not hiding anything."

"You've been avoiding me." Lips brushed over his, and L was sure he was going to die. The heat that throttled through him at the simple touch was like crackling live wires.

It was useless to lie. "Stop it, Light," he said weakly.

"Didn't you say you wished we were friends?" Light said smokily. "Well, I want more than that from you." He moved forward, catching L's lips in a true kiss, forcing the detective's mouth open to accept him.

L made a noise and fought against the desire cramping his stomach and shivering through each limb. Light's kiss was aggressive, lips and tongue moving not to explore, but to possess.

L tried to push him back, but his wet hands merely clung as greedy fingers stroked a line down his hip. They skirted the ache at the center of his being.

"Stop, stop," he said hoarsely. Light's shoulders were firm under his desperate hands.

"Tell me you don't want this," Lighted breathed into his ear as he touched him. "Tell me you haven't wanted this as badly as I have. Tell me that and make me _believe_ you."

L shook his head mutely, completely overcome as Light's hand embraced his embarrassment. His entire body shuddered at even the first slow caresses.

It was dismay that overshadowed the fog overlaying his mind. This wasn't what he'd planned - he was going to stop this mad descent - to cut Light out of him - to regain his footing. But there hadn't been time.

L's breath came fast and haphazard.

The coaxing strokes of Light's sinful hand were blinding him, deafening him, even as they arched his back.

_I don't want him to see me like this._

His hand's dug deep into Light's shoulders, the only thing that was grounding him. Throughout his body was a tight coiling, like a spring being wound. He fought it, fought it and the pleasure only increased in intensity until it was nearly pain.

"Let go, L," Light whispered against his lips.

_I can't. __**I can't**__. For what happens after you drag me down to that level? Will you leave me there? I don't even know if I can trust you._

_What does this mean to you? How will you use it against me?_

L made a last attempt to struggle, to escape his mental torment and the bittersweet affliction of Light's sure hands. He splashed as he could find not purchase against the slick bottom of the tub. It was drown or be undone.

"Don't fight me." Light's tongue delicately traced his lower lip, redirecting and splitting his attention. His voice was not unaffected. "Give me what I want, L." It was as raw as it was commanding. Hands, lips, words, there was too much to focus on. Light slid his tongue between L's parted lips and out again. Owning his mouth in a slow, scandalous pantomime of thrusting that dragged a low moan from the back of L's throat.

He was losing the battle. Every new stimulus assaulted his senses with evil intent, dragging him one breath closer to the edge.

"I want to feel your skin against mine," Light breathed harshly in his ear, his head resting against L's, his lips brushing L's cheek. "I want to feel your body lose control under mine..." L was biting his lip against the reaction those words invoked, the molten heat between his legs at the thought of it.

He felt teeth graze the sensitive skin of his neck, then gasped aloud as they bit down suddenly. Bright white light danced in front of his eyes, and his head spun as the sharp pain tipped him so close to-

"Come for me right now, or I swear to god - I'll take you on the bathroom floor," Light panted, gripping him hard.

L cried out as his body reacted almost violently to Light's words, orgasm pulsing through his body with bruising force, bowing his back into a tight arch as it took away all sense and control.

His entire body, spent, was like soft rubber. All his limbs were useless and trembling.

He dimly noted that Light must've kept his head above the water the entire time. That didn't seem like something Kira would do...

The sound of cascading water caught his attention and he realized he was being lifted out of the tub.

The idea of being carried was discordant enough to make his eyes open. He was about to protest when he was dumped on his feet, wrapped in a towel, and picked back up. The towel restricted his arms and kept him pinned somewhat against Light's chest. _How the hell was the other boy strong enough to carry - oh it didn't matter, did it?_ The rocking motion was making him dizzy and more tired than he already was and made thinking feel rather unpleasant.

L could perceive their movement through the suite, and the rotation as he was turned to fit through a doorway. But, he couldn't make himself care enough to open his eyes. Was it the heat of the bath and then... subsequent events that were making him light headed. It was a little like heat stroke.

Light set him down on what felt like a bed, and unwrapped the towel, exposing his skin to the cool air. It eased the hot murky mess of his mind. L sat up after a moment, a hand to his head.

He was in one of the suite's bedrooms. It was the one he had been using, judging by the smile pile of clothes kicked in the corner that he hadn't bothered himself with yet. The door was closed. To his right, he found Light watching him as he unbuttoned his long sleeved dress shirt.

L jumped and pulled a corner of the towel over his lap when a quick glance confirmed he was completely exposed. "What are you doing?" L managed to ask fairly calmly, considering.

3 buttons. 4.

L watched the nimble fingers work to expose a thin view of naturally tawny skin.

It was only when he met Light's luminous honey-colored eyes that the other boy spoke.

"You got my shirt wet," he said simply. "I'll have to let it dry." He undid the last button and shrugged out of the shirt with fluid grace. He displayed the half damp shirt to L. "I can't very well walk around like this." His voice held slight mocking. "What would people think?"

"I think it is safe to assume none of them would guess correctly."

L was wary. Light was too polished from how he was just a few minutes ago. Did this herald something bad?

"And if I were to meet Watari in the hall?"

"..." Did Watari know Light was here? But he'd told the man to keep Light from approaching him. For just such reasons as this. "Does Watari have cause to suspect you'd molest me?" It sounded harsh and awkward even to L's ears, but he was still naked, and Light was now half-naked, and he wanted some distance. He didn't like that he couldn't seem to quit watching the other boy's body as he paced slowly.

Step, step, turn. Light had a lovely back. Smooth planes of muscle that shifted as he moved in an effect that was somewhat hypnotizing.

Step, step, step, turn. L averted his eyes, not wanting to be caught staring. "I assume you spoke to Watari, that he was the one who let you in... Did he say where he was going?"

"Look at me, Ryuuzaki."

"Huh?"

"Stop thinking about every little thing outside this room," Light grabbed L by his upper arms, "and look at me."

Startled, L complied. Deep in those dark gold eyes swam the intensity he'd seen as Light had been touching him. He swallowed. "What do you want from me, Light?"

"I want to possess every scrap of your mind and body, so utterly that you never look away from me again."

Oh, there was that traitorous ache gathering in his belly again. No good. "You can't be serious," L said flatly, trying to mask his reaction.

"I'm deadly serious. Do you want me to prove it to you?"

How Light planned to do that would have to remain a mystery - it was too risky a thing to say 'yes' to. "I don't believe that's necessary. I just fail to see how I can trust anything you say, given your behavior as a wanna-be 'friend'."

"I never wanted to be your friend."

That stung. To think he'd started to believe that maybe, just maybe Light had been honest when he'd said that he would've been L's friend if only L had spoken of it. "Well, great. That's just great." L wrenched at his arms, trying to free them. _So you'd rather fuck with my head, is that it? _"Let go, dammit," he snarled, losing his cool at last.

Light held fast and pushed him over onto his back.

L struggled as Light pinned him. "What're you-?!"

As the feel of Light's body stretched along his was not enough, he felt a hardness against his hip that made him take pause. It reminded him very suddenly that while he may have found release, wanted or not, Light had not. Maybe the other boy had more control than he, because he would not have been able to do what Light did, and remain as unaffected as he had appeared until now. "Light?"

Light shifted on top of him and L felt that hardness brush against him, pulling a surprised cry from his lips. It was utterly ridiculous that his body was reacting to this again so soon. But it was, and the pressure of Light's firm stomach on hardening flesh was torturous. _Damn him. DAMN him._ "Get off of me, dammit!" he choked out.

"I knew from the beginning that we would never be friends, Ryuuzaki," Light whispered against his neck. "Do you know why?"

L writhed underneath him, trying to get free, only making things worse.

Light inhaled sharply. "Ryuu-zaki..."

L refuted the thrill that coursed through him as he heard that stilted voice.

Light began thrusting against him, making L gasp as he ground out, "It's because I knew- it would never- be- enough."

_Did that make sense?_ L was no longer sure of anything but the intense craving that Light seemed able to conjure out of him with minimal effort. His body was shuddering, this second instance of lust felt more raw than last time, his senses already blasted wide open once before.

He could hear a voice gasping out half uttered words, and prayed it wasn't himself. But it must have been, because Light's rough voice was a companion in his ear, vocalizing sounds that were making his whole body flush with embarrassment and feeding his arousal till he wasn't sure he could last another second.

The rhythm of the thing suddenly began crumbling apart at the edges. Light's movements were no longer something that could be anticipated, each one pushing a groan from his lips as the aching in his groin spiked sharply.

"Ryuu-zaki..." Light's near breathless voice called out lustfully as his body was swept up in the throes of climax.

L's body echoed. Hearing Light's passion spilling over was enough to throw him over the edge. His body seized and strained against Light's as the pleasure tightened and exploded in successive rushes.

L became aware of the sound of their panting breaths, and the sheen of sweat that dampened their entangled limbs.

"Won't... Misa... be upset?" L labored to get out. He was now getting seriously disturbed about where this 'non-friendship' might be going. He was in over his head, and was currently drowning.

"Shhh." Light said tiredly. "I couldn't care less what she thinks."

L couldn't stop working at it...Was this going to be a regular thing? A not regular thing? Strings attached or no? He wanted the strings. Desperately so. Monogamy would be nice, too. Was that getting too greedy?

"Ryuuzaki."

"...yes?"

"Quit thinking so furiously," Light mumbled, "you're making my head hurt."

"But-"

"Please. I'm begging you."

That didn't sound like a very convincing tone, L thought. It was rather too deadpan to sound like pleading.

Light cracked open his eyes and regarded L solemnly. "We'll talk after, ok?"

L nodded slowly and was surprised that Light pulled him close as he shut his eyes.

* * *

TBC


	8. Aftermath

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 8: Aftermath)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

-update- My apologies, but the wrong version made it up last time. I hope any grammatical issues or word misuse did not make your eyes bleed.

* * *

Chapter 8:

'After' came much sooner than anticipated.

A knock at the door when you are lying in post-coital entanglement with someone who might very well be a serial killer, L thought, is not generally good for the nerves.

Or was it only post-coital if there was penetration?

Details, details.

He was still suffering heart failure, as the implications remained the same regardless.

"L?" Watari called.

"Yes?" he hoped to god his voice sounded normal.  
_  
Well don't you look remarkably calm and comfy?_ He glared at Light.

Lazy, amber eyes blinked at him and he shrugged, eyes sliding shut again.

_Right. My problem, not yours. Thanks a fucking lot.  
_  
"Are you ok in there?" Watari was asking in mild concern.

"Why wouldn't I be?" L called back. _AH, a recourse!_ "Do you know something I don't?" _Like the fact that you went against my damn instructions and let this guy in here? _L prodded the person in question, shifting him off his rib cage. Light was awfully heavy when he was dead weight. "Or is it ok if I keep working on this lead?" Better to throw that in. Watari was less likely to interrupt him while he was working.

"Ah, no. Nothing that you don't know..." _Oh, come now, Watari, that's bad acting even for you. _"Sorry to disturb you, sir."

L waited until he was sure Watari was no longer at the door.

"Real sweet of you," he muttered, shoving the brunette off of him. Light was able to affect his mood as easily as he did anything else. L struggled to his feet. _You're nothing like your namesake_, he thought darkly, dragging the towel off the bed to pull around his hips. _Damn kids_. And damn himself too for thinking Light would suddenly not do things that set him off.

And what had really changed? He still had no proof that anything had, except the physical nature of their acquaintance. He very easily might have fallen prey to some new trick, some painful new way for Light to torment him and hold his misbegotten feelings over his head. But it wasn't like he'd had a choice in the matter! Held captive in a tub and held down to a bed, coupled with this incensing lust he seemed to have developed, there really was nothing he could've done...

He stalked over to the hotel room's closet and wrenched open the sliding door. Pulling out clean clothes, he fought his way into a pair of green boxers, baggy jeans, and a long-sleeved white shirt. It was a near daily uniform. It simplified life and was more time efficient than anything else would have been. He dared anyone to challenge him on that.

He caught sight of Light watching him in the mirrored surface of the door with an amused smile on his face.

He turned and advanced on Light. "What the hell did I ever do to you to deserve this?" L hissed, trying to keep his voice from carrying. _The smug little bastard._

"To deserve what, Ryuuzaki?" The smile spread.

L threw his hands up, unwilling to play to Light's prompting. "Nothing," he said. He spun back to the closet, looking for his rarely donned shoes and a pair of socks. If he didn't leave right now he was going to kick Light in the head. Or worse. Let him deal with leaving here himself and suffer the looks his attire was sure to get him.

"Going somewhere?" Light was watching him still, chin propped in his hand.

"Out," L said shortly. _Where the fuck was his left shoe? What was he supposed to do, __**hop**__ down the god-damned street? _

He clenched the right shoe in his hand, buckling the weak canvas sides.

God. how had he let this happen? He couldn't bear being under anyone's thumb. And Light's would be more oppressing than most. Light would be able to ferret out every tendency, every weakness, and use every little thing, every scrap of knowledge, to manipulate and take advantage. To get his way.

"I've never seen you like this," Light said thoughtfully.

"Good for you, I'm sure it's fascinating."

"Are you always this nasty after sex, or did I invoke a special reaction?"

"_I wouldn't know_." L drew back his arm to chuck the shoe he had found at the brunette's head.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Light said calmly. "Besides, the other is just under the bed." He indicated the mirror from which this truth could be seen.

L scowled at it, still holding the other shoe aloft.

Light slid off the bed, then out of his slacks and boxers. L stood stock still as Light made his way around him to the closet. He had just gotten quite an eyeful.

"I'm going to borrow some clothes, Ryuuzaki."

L nodded mutely, his hand finally lowering the shoe. God. What a mess this was.

He listened to the sounds of rustling cloth as Light dressed and felt his head begin to droop in defeat. Sad and sick. That's what this whole bloody mess was.

When Light's arms came about him, he didn't even flinch. Light's chin rested on his shoulder in a mockery of affection. Oh, it was hard to bear.

"Are you done acting like an insane person?" Light murmured. "I thought you wanted to talk?"

"Is there anything to talk about?" L said stiffly.

Light sighed and drew back, turning L to face him. He studied the detective's face critically, mapping every nuance of expression, until his own face relaxed in understanding. "You're angry because you don't trust me."

"And why should I?"

"I'll be the only person you never have to worry about betraying you."

"Says you, but people are liars, manipulators and betrayers." L smiled bitterly, "And of them all, you are the **best** I've seen."

Light looked like he was counting to 10. "I think you may have misunderstood a few things, _Ryuuzaki_. And would you mind not flinging accusations around so easily? It's very irritating."

"If I'm so irritating, why have you been after my ass?" L flung back. "If anything is suspect, it's been your behavior the past several weeks!"

"I never said you were irritating, though you certainly do manage it at times!" They were yelling in harsh whispers now. "And it's your fault if I've been acting differently! You lodge yourself so firmly into my brain and then disappear-!"

"If any of that happened, you did it to yourself! Don't blame me for your shortcomings!"

"_Goddammit_, Ryuuzaki," Light hissed and shoved him up against the wall. L made a noise as the air was knocked out of him. "You can be so infuriating!"

L blinked dark eyes at him and deadpanned, "Now what exactly was it I was supposed to trust again? Unless it was that you had a temper? I was well aware of that already."

Light's head made a soft thunk as it hit the wall over L's left shoulder. "Why is this so difficult?" the brunette asked himself aloud. Thunk.

Thunk.

"Look... I don't want want to fight," L made himself say. This new behavior of Light's was extremely out of character and nothing short of disturbing. And the noise. The _noise_.

"Yes, you do."

"Well, I'll make an attempt to control myself if you stop hitting the wall with your head."

"I was planning to take you out somewhere where we wouldn't be interrupted..." Light sighed. "I think we need to discuss this to some extent."

"I tried to talk talk to you before-"

Thunk.

"Okay, okay," L grumbled. "Get off, and we'll go."

--

They ended up staying in the hotel.

It had gotten rather nasty outside at some point, all wind and rain, and by unspoken agreement they detoured past the glass doors that led to the street. They headed instead for the hotel's restaurant and dining area. The hotel was a large one, so there were multiple food establishments.

A quaint French-style coffee shop that offered baked goods as well caught L's eye, but it was open air. The wrought iron chairs and tables spilled into the wide walkway circling the hotel's impressive indoors fountain, not offering much privacy. And the outside patio was, of course, currently under water. He gave it a sad look and wondered if maybe he could send Watari to pick up something for him later. He didn't want to come back alone, and he doubted there would be another time in which Light might feel inclined to revisit the place with him. That just did not seem plausible for a pair that did not even qualify as "friends".

And what was the big deal about being friends anyway? L stared at Light's back as they walked around the fountain to where the bigger of the two restaurants was. Light had not made any sense before - _'Because it wouldn't be enough.'_ How does wanting more than friendship disqualify friendship?

Wasn't friendship a building block to something more? Or was he being too idealistic?

Maybe it was dependent on what "more" entailed? Strings or no strings?

L tried to be optimistic, but it sort of went against his nature, so he settled for mildly hopeful.

The restaurant was very busy, which was to be expected of a high-class eatery at this time of night, especially when the elements were driving people to stay indoors. Speaking of night... what time was it? L didn't have a clue as he hadn't remembered his watch or cell phone. _Fantastic, I thought Light would keep my brain challenged and sharp, not make me brain damaged_.

L regarded Light as they waited for a table. The borrowed jeans were loose on him, but in more of a comfortable way than the highly sloppy look they managed on himself. He had retained his own dress shirt, dry now, and miraculously enough it was largely unwrinkled.

L supposed it would have looked odd to anyone if the pair of them were dressed exactly alike, but the odds were in favor of them not dwelling on that when they could dwell on someone like Light. They would probably glance over Light's shoulder at him, and simper about how good he was to pick his friends on more than appearances alone, and feel sorry for the brunette that his "friend" was trying so hard to emulate him.

"Something wrong, Ryuuzaki?"

"Nothing at all, Light-kun."

"That seems rather formal, considering."

"I thought you didn't want your father to suspect? You seemed particularly focused on that earlier. Would you rather me break a habit that is currently of benefit to you?"

Light looked at him balefully. "Is it really so hard to remember how to address people?"

"I don't have as much practice at it as you."

"Besides, I have better things to worry about. So I'll likely say the first address that comes to mind and not think on it again."

Sigh.

"This displeases you?" L asked with mock surprise. "As the paradigm of honesty, I thought that you, _at least_, could appreciate such a candid answer."

"If I buy you cake or something, would you shut up for 5 minutes?"

L opened his eyes wide. "A _bribe_?" Gasp. "Light-kun, that is not very didactic of you."

Light's richly colored eyes narrowed and he leaned in threateningly close. L was not overly concerned, Light was just responding to his ribbing. His heart skipped a beat though. "Are you insinuating that I am preachy about my moral views?"

L pretended to think, getting a strange kick out of the stares their proximity was starting to elicit. "Yes, that sounds about right, but you neglected to add 'hypocritical' to my description."

Light fought through several expressions and likely several wildly different responses before responding with cold control. "To an outside observer, perhaps it would appear that way."

L smiled blandly, watching the brunette's eye start to twitch. "No one will know how closely you adhere to your moral code if they do not know what it is in the first place."

Light's pupils pinned, and he got that look, the one that said he was going to win this argument no matter what it cost him. Oddly enough, it was tinged with the sexual predator look. L feared for one long, drawn out moment that Light was going to do something embarrassing in public. His pulse started tripping in his chest as Light started to move in.

"Ahem," a waitress coughed delicately, breaking into their exchange, her hand to her mouth. Her face looked a little pink, even in the dim lighting. "Your table is ready, sirs."

Light turned to her and smiled, charm turned on full blast. L was surprised the girl didn't stagger backwards. "Where are the bathrooms?" he asked apologetically. "My companion here has something in his eye and I can't seem to be of much assistance."

"O-Oh," she said flushing, obviously embarrassed at her initial assumption now that Light had provided a suitable explanation. "I can point it out to you as I show you to your table?"

"That would be perfect."

L looked at Light with raised brows. Light shrugged elegantly.

They followed the duped girl to the table, and L let her show him to the washroom afterwards - closing his one eye to make Light's LIE more believable. Honestly, how did the brunette expect him to trust anything he said when he could deceive people as easily as he drew breath?

Did this have to do with his undefined code of honor? If a person was of no consequence in his mind, did he not consider it lying when he told untruths? L had noticed Light's reluctance to falsify information to his father, for instance, or himself, for that matter...

If you lied to something you did not count as a person, was it still a lie? If it were of no more importance than a tree or a chair, something you did not perceive to have a brain, would it matter?

Was Light's thought process really so barren as this?

L himself was guilty of seeing people as rather brainless himself, but not to this extent. People were sentient, no matter how low the humming of their minds might be in comparison, and to draw such a line...

Was this indicative of psychopathic tendencies? _Psychopath, n. A person with an antisocial personality disorder, manifested in aggressive, perverted, criminal, or amoral behavior without empathy or remorse. _The textbook definition only loosely fit. For while Light acted without remorse, from all indications, he did maintain some sort of moral code that held his behavior in check. L just didn't know what those morals were. They most certainly were not anything the typical person would concoct. What would be some of the items in this code of ethics he wondered. He thought of several immediately:  
_  
Lying is wrong. Unless you do not care about the person in any way. Then it is not only ok, it is encouraged. Especially if it stands to gain you something._

_Friendship is an unnecessary binding. Avoid. But feel free to lead others to believe that you are their friend._

_Maintain perfection in your physical appearance. A pretty face is more likely to hold people in your sway and assist you in taking over the world. Plus, looking less than exquisite at all times is just plain tacky._

--

L made his way back to the table, taking his seat in the booth gingerly and affixing Light with an assessing stare.

"How is your eye?" Light asked innocently.

"It's 'perfect'," L said sarcastically. "How is our waitress? Did she swoon at your feet yet?"

Light made an indignant noise and sipped at a cup of tea with an amused expression on his face. Tea the brunette had magically been gifted with in the three minutes L had been absent from the table. _Three_. That was more than good service, that was a come-on.

"Now, now, Ryuuzaki, I was just being polite."

L crossed his arms over his chest and said, as if with dawning understanding, "Oh, is **that **what you call it?"

He brought his thumb to his lips in consideration. "I must have gotten 'politeness' and 'flirtatiousness' confused in my inept fumbling at socialization. I would have expected '_ordering your companion tea while you ordered your own_' to be something more along the lines of polite behavior than '_convincing random girls that you can undress them with your eyes'_. My mistake."

"I'd much rather convince you than any of them," Light said, watching him over the rim of the cup with a hooded gaze. "The results of that would be infinitely more... interesting."

L felt Light's knee brush against his, and it took effort not to jump or outwardly react to the contact. Why was their booth so small? The brunette didn't even have to slouch to accomplish it.

The flustered waitress bounded up to their table, and set a tea tray down in front of L, sloshing some of the liquid out of the cup as she did so. "Oooo, I'm sorry," she fretted, glancing at Light hastily. He smiled and indicated it was fine with a minute shake of his head. She looked nervously relieved and said "I'll be right back to take your orders."

"It's cruel to get her all worked up like that."

"Feeling sympathetic, Ryuuzaki?" Light drawled with a smirk.

L did not grace that taunt with a response. "I see you ordered me tea after all."

"Of course."

"But you didn't see any reason to enlighten me earlier?"

"Oh no, you had much more entertaining things to say otherwise."

"I'm beginning to doubt your capability to have a normal conversation."

"Would you have me be dull and ordinary, Ryuuzaki? I can assure you that is not why I picked _you_."

"I thought you were blaming **me** for your twisted pursuits?"

"Initially," Light relented, "though I came to see it was a natural choice."

"Society does not see it as natural." Obvious, of course, but L felt like reminding him. He busied himself with shredding a small army of sugar packets and dumping their contents into his tea. "And I believe your father is of the same persuasion."

That got a reaction. Light put a hand over his face and sighed dramatically. "Yes, yes, I am well aware of that. Father has been rather insistent in bringing up the matter."

"In what way?" L perked up with interest. There was some subtle sign that he couldn't quite put his finger on, but he was sure that Light was all of a sudden being open with him. That he might actually be up to sharing, versus his usual cloak-and-dagger approach to conversations.

"Well, first of all, he's convinced that you have a thing for me."

SMACK. L blinked. "Come again?"

Light leaned over the table conspiratorially. "My father believes you want to impugn my honor, AND control my every waking moment," he said dramatically. There, L thought, that was the quirking of an amused smirk on Light's lips he'd detected seconds before. It was growing in strength.

"Are you sure he has not confused the two of us?" L said in a low voice, leaning forward as well. "That sounds exactly like something _you_ would do."

Light's gaze dropped to L's lips. "It does, doesn't it?" His smile began to border on lascivious. "But my father has no idea how alike we are…"

L felt himself stir under the weight of that look. Just a slight pooling of warmth in his stomach, nothing he couldn't ignore. This was not the place. Nowhere was the place. "And how alike are we?" Wait, that sounded like an invitation, didn't it?

"I think you know, Ryuuzaki..." Light said silkily,"that deep down, beneath your cold, emotionless veneer..." _Uh-oh, they were drifting way too close. _"...you are as **passionate**," L could feel Light's breath on his lips, could taste the desire that hung suspended in those few inches of empty air. Propriety begged him to draw back, but he couldn't move. "...and as _twisted_ as I am."

L would have liked to argue that, but the clenching ache in his lower stomach at Light's taunting made it a difficult case. "Have you thought about what you would like to eat?" he attempted to change the subject.

"Oh, yes," Light practically purred, succeeding at last in making L's face turn bright red.

It was a good thing L scrambled backwards, because the waitress took that moment to reappear.

Just as she noticed L's flush, Light said chidingly, "Ryuuzaki, I told you not to drink your tea so fast - you're bound to inhale it."

L coughed weakly while the waitress eyed his yet untouched tea.

"... Are you, um, ready to place your orders?" she asked hesitantly, as if afraid she was interrupting something.

"I was wondering what the specials were today..." Light said smoothly. "Could you enlighten us?"

"Of course," she said gratefully and rushed to get through them all in less than a minute.

L glared at Light, who in turned smiled smugly.

"We'll take the first and third choices, thank you," Light said.

"Okay," she chirped. "I'll put those in for you!" She dashed off again.

"What did you order us?" L demanded. The girl's words had not even registered.

"I haven't the slightest."

--

It wasn't too awful. Number one turned out to be an udon noodle soup with sweet deep fried tofu, thin kamaboko fishcakes and thinly sliced vegetables. Number three turned out to be yakitori skewers of exclusively white meat chicken, charcoal grilled with tare sauce laying on a bed of jasmine rice and artfully cut vegetables. In fact, it looked tasty, L thought. Especially the chicken... The only problem was...

They both reached for the food at the same time, both of them realizing just how hungry they really were. Two hands, one pale and by the looks of it possibly double-jointed, one that bore a light tan and was articulate enough to belong to a pianist, both with an exceedingly strong grip on the porcelain yakitori plate.

"You've been tormenting me - I've earned it," L said determinedly.

"I hate soup," Light said with disdain.

"You ordered it. Suffer the consequences."

"You're only going to eat the meat and waste the rest. What's the point in that?"

"See? Here, have the soup and I'll buy you desert."

"Share the chicken and I'll consider it."

"... trade me for some of the kamaboko."

"... but I like those..." L pouted. He actually didn't like them that much but Light's long suffering expressions were priceless.

Light brandished a desert menu. "Pick any two. How's that?"

"Very well," he agreed reluctantly, secretly pleased with the exchange.

He ate one of the three chicken skewers as well as some of the rice, and Light reached out periodically to nab pieces of fish cake and other things from the soup with his chopsticks. It was a surprisingly well orchestrated arrangement. It also, for some reason, made talking a more relaxed affair, free from the games and maneuvering that so often occupied all their speech.

L had one arm on the table, wrapped around his large, warm soup bowl. In this exact moment, he felt completely at peace. The din of the restaurant was only loud enough to give them privacy and a feeling that large families must experience when gathered together - crowded, bustley, but happy. The dim lighting was cozy and meshed with the elegant decor in a pleasing way. And all of it seemed a frame for this small, golden little space they occupied in the high-backed booth.

Light was relating to him something regarding philosophy, but L found that the words were sort of running together as he watched the other boy speak. The lights reflected off of his soft brown hair in such a way that it appeared to match the amber color of his eyes which flicked up to meet his now and then. They remained averted and partially unfocused as Light crafted his descriptions, viewpoints, and criticisms, while gesturing fluidly with half-raised chopsticks. It was a shame, really; he was exceedingly interested in all the many things Light had to say, but watching him just became so distracting.

Light reached over with his chopsticks and plucked a piece of daikon from his soup. L watched the clever motion and followed the piece of radish to its destination. Honeyed eyes watched him in return.

"You're not even listening, are you?" Light asked him lazily.

"I'm afraid I got distracted," L admitted. "A little."

"Thinking about dessert?" Light asked with a raised brow.

"That's not all I think about," L waved it off languidly. He felt sort of tired with all the relaxing atmosphere. "I wonder about things such as the probability of interactions like this actually occurring more than once. Or why you would not see this as any sort of friendship, when others would count it so."

Light looked at him speculatively, but without the sharp edge of assessment that his looks usually harbored. He too seemed calmer than he had in days. "It isn't an improbability, if you like this sort of thing. But it isn't something I would do with a friend."

"Do you have any people you would call a friend?"

"In name only... I don't think I trust anyone enough to have them truly fill that role."

"Light, where do I fit into all of this?" Oh, it was finally down to the big questions. L wanted to believe this might all last - might work out somehow - but moments like these where they were even able to communicate directly were rare. There were no guarantees that this was candid even now. A sharp pain tweaked his chest in response, so L decided not to think on that at the moment. He didn't want to have to battle emotions just yet and have that wreck the peace. It would be fleeting enough as it was.

"You're different."

"I don't suppose you'd be kind enough to elaborate?"

Light was starting to look a little bit cagey. "I don't really feel like discussing it. Isn't it enough to know that you're different?"

"No, because that doesn't tell me anything." L was feeling the anxiousness creeping back. Had he been too lax? Was this the true face of the thing? This avoidance?

Light averted his eyes, his posture stiff. "I'm sorry."

"For what? What the hell is that supposed to mean?" The anger from earlier was seeping back. Had he really been so hopeful as to believe this would work out well? Was this the backlash of his unwitting optimism?

"I thought you said we were going to talk about this," L pressed. "Why are you backing down now?"

Light rubbed a tired hand over his eyes. "I'm not. And we are talking about this. I'm just not quite sure what to do with you."

L leaned back in the booth, crossing his hands over his chest. "You weren't lacking in ideas a few hours ago."

Light flashed him angry eyes. "That's not what I'm talking about," he hissed in annoyance.

"Well it's a rather prominent fixture for this conversation to include, don't you think?"

"No - it's all of the other things that-"

"Are you ready for dessert now?" the waitress asked on her way by.

"No," they said in unison, shooting her equally dark looks.

"What other things?" L prompted. "I'm getting tired of this."

"Well if you're so damn impatient," Light snapped, "you can figure it out yourself."

"Misa, your father, or the fact that you're Kira?" L threw out. "Those are the most likely, I would say."

Light crossed his arms, echoing L. "Go on."

"The only thing that would be of real concern to the two of us would be the last. So is it bothering you that you slept with the enemy, or does it bother you that I didn't waver in my suspicion?"

"You act like it was all a big ploy to trick you." Light sounded offended.

"Wasn't it?"

"Why is it impossible for you to trust me when I tell you it wasn't?"

"You want me to trust you?" L was incredulous.

"Yes."

Fine, he'd test this right here and now. "Answer truthfully: Am I important to you?"

Light looked taken aback. But he eventually nodded his head and said, "Yes." His eyes looking wary as he sensed a new game unfolding.

L had decided to put his theory into practice. That Light's moral code inhibited him from lying outright to people he cared about. Not that it would prevent him from doing so... but L would likely see at least one evasion tactic prior to that.

"Are you in love with Misa-Misa?"

"God, no. And why does everyone insist on calling her that? It's annoying. 'Misa' is sufficient."

"I think it's supposed to be cute."

"Well, it isn't."

"Why are you dating her?" L struck again.

"To get my father off my back."

"Why should he care?"

"... he seems to be taken with the notion that I don't like women."

"Hardly inaccurate, from what I've seen."

Light made a noise of disgust. "One person doesn't count."

"Have you slept with any women before?"

"I fail to see the point in answering such a personal question."

L considered. This was the first evasive answer. Damn, he would have liked to know... But no matter, Light was right. It was not pertinent. "Then answer this: Are you Kira?"

"Who in their right mind would say 'yes' to such a thing?" Light looked annoyed.

"So if you were not in your right mind, you would have no qualms admitting it?"

"I suppose not, since I would be as insane as the rest of the people who claimed to be Kira."

L peered at him. Light stared back defiantly. They were all evasive answers, but expertly crafted.

"Let me ask you something, Ryuuzaki, since we're in the spirit of sharing." Light leaned forward. "How have you decided to handle that confession you gave me several weeks ago? That you have started to doubt your conviction to bring Kira to his knees?" He moved closer and his eyes were like a hawk's: distant, focused, and deadly. "What would you do if you were to find him at last? Would it weigh your conscience to stay his hand? Knowing the wreck of this world would continue unchecked?"

L was silent.

He had actually forgotten about that for a little while. He'd successfully pushed it out of his mind while he was preoccupied with Light and the pursuit of 'friendship'.

"I don't know," he said honestly. "It is a difficulty question of morality, isn't it?"

"Not so difficult. I suppose it all depends on your priorities."

"And what of Kira? He kills the innocent as well as the criminals, for any reason he sees fit. Is it just to leave someone with so much power unchecked?" L found himself asking of Light the same things he'd wondered about him not too long ago, only allowing for the probability that he was indeed Kira. "Is he a mere psychopath who sees people as pawns and nothing more? Just insignificant lives at his disposal? And how could I assume my own safety if I cease my pursuit? Surely his paranoia and his pride will not allow me to remain unscathed."

"I don't know," Light responded just as L had. "But that, too, comes down to priorities. Who's to say that Kira is as prideful and paranoid as that? It is equally likely that he would not pursue a dormant threat in lieu of working towards his greater purpose."

"It appears that on both accounts, we are at an impasse," L said carefully. Neither of them was willing to reveal the final piece, and so neither of them would be in the position to press the other. Light met his eyes, and Ryuuzaki recognized the feel of silent agreement.

"That seems safe to say," Light said aloud.

And that was the true problem. Their mutual safety was a delicate game of checks and balances. Any tip of the scale, any misstep, and the result would be disaster.

* * *

TBC


	9. Eggshells and HandGrenades

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 9: Eggshells and Hand-Grenades)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

A/N: Ch.8 was updated. I apologize for the grammatical errors and word abuse. I jump between googledocs and MSword and email and save multiple versions (after losing whole chapters you'd be neurotic too) and the wrong one got posted Instead of my edited one. FORGIVE ME. Great, now I feel too stupid to write D.N. as I was going to this morning. Bfksgfu. Anyway… new chapter have fun.

* * *

Chapter 9:

The minimalist ring cut out approximately 15 seconds after it commenced, silenced by the abrupt jab of a thumb as Light answered his phone.

"_LIGHT._ _Where in the hell are you?? _Your mother is about ready to go into convulsions." Light winced as his father's barely toned down voice bit sharply into his ear. "You said you were coming straight home, and it's almost 1 a.m.!"

Shit. He hadn't even thought of that in the past several hours... Light glanced over at L. They were just leaving the restaurant, and the mood had deteriorated exceptionally. If it was any indication - L had forgone not one dessert, but TWO. Yes, a heavy cloud had descended indeed. Family had been the absolute last thing on his mind as he had been focused on handling this new interaction with the dark-haired detective.

It seemed like an infinitely long time ago since he had cornered L in the bathroom, though it was actually only a matter of hours.

"LIGHT, are you there?!"

"Yes... father." What was he supposed to say when his father demanded an explanation? Weeks ago, assisting Ryuuzaki with the investigation would have been a properly received excuse. But now... with his father riding his ass about his or L's possible feelings towards one another, girlfriend not withstanding... Saying such would simply be nails in his own coffin. Maybe he should build an excuse around Misa? He could-

To Light's surprise, L snagged the phone out of his hand and held it up to his head in his awkward manner. "Yagami-san?" he asked in a flat voice.

L paused, presumably to hear his father answer.

"Yes, I am well aware of what time it is," L responded. Pause. "No, I have not forgotten that school is his priority." There was another pause during which L almost seemed to have rolled his eyes. "Inappropriate? I fail to see where-" Annoyance crossed his face. "I see." Pause. "Yes." Another long pause. "If that's how you decide to take it..." Pause. "No." A long pause. "Please stop yelling, Yagami-san. That will not facilitate-" Pause. "I see." L sighed. "I don't know. You'll have to ask him."

L mutely held the phone out to Light. Light gave him a look the equivalent of '_what the hell am I supposed to do with that_?'

L brandished it more insistently, a frown on his face.

Light took the cell back gingerly, placing it to his ear as if it were a flesh-eating creature of some nefarious origin. God knows what had just transpired and what he was now walking into blindly. "Hello?" he said reluctantly.

"I expect to see you at home in less than 30 minutes," his father said shortly, and hung up.

Light lowered the phone, staring at it like it was an alien. "What the hell was that about?" he muttered incredulously.

"Your father appears to be upset," L said helpfully, his voice dour.

Light regarded him balefully. "How exactly did you expect it to help if _you_ answered my phone?"

L looked slightly uncomfortable. "I forgot how he was suspecting... things. And I really had no idea what time it was."

Light snorted. "That's just like you."

"I'm sorry. For some reason, I felt the urge to be helpful. Despite the outcome..."

Light looked at L and found that he believed him. The petulant look, the rounded shoulders, slightly anxious eyes. He looked mildly dejected, and it was..."Ryuuzaki..." Light caught L's arm, stopping them under the shadows of one of the giant pillars ringing the fountain.

"I've said I'm sorry," L said instantly, his expression flashing between guilt and anger. "What more do you want-"

Light silenced him with a hasty and desperate kiss. L's arm tensed beneath his hand, but his lips fell open bit by bit under the pressure of Light's, until Light was able to deepen the contact as much as the pull in his chest demanded. His eyes closed against the twisting ache as he sunk deep into the obliteration he found in L's soft mouth.

He was making a mess of it all - such a mess. He was losing the predictability he'd constructed with his family, and he was fumbling the way he handled L. _L..._ Light felt the desire rushing through him just with this... possessing the dark-haired detective through a kiss, through the feel of bodies pressing close. And it didn't seem to matter to him that they could be seen, that people would talk... when he had L like this, he didn't _care_.

He wanted his hands in L's hair, the brutal crush of their joining mouths and the heart-stopping exhilaration that flooded through him at the thought of having more. More.

_Ryuuzaki..._

L's hands found his, pulling them down, restraining them.

_Will I never be free of this desire...?_

"L-Light, perhaps this is not the place?"

Light noticed with minimal embarrassment that he had L backed against the pillar unintentionally, and the detective's pale skin was flushed faintly across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose. He drew back reluctantly, allowing the other to collect himself.

He almost apologized, then decided against it. L seemed to take greater benefit from his decisiveness in such situations. Showing uncertainty at any point would likely set them back, as was evidenced earlier. But when it came down to it, he had found it more than difficult to admit to the other boy that he had... feelings. Ridiculous perhaps, with all the evidence and the indirect confirmations of emotion, but to directly and openly declare feelings seemed a tactical blunder, no matter how true it may have been.

Yet the larger failing may have been in _not_ doing so.

To be able to offer nothing in response to L's questioning merely made it seem more likely that he was toying with the detective and not pursuing him seriously.

Ah, the tangled web of logic they strangled themselves with...

L was walking beside him, his hands thrust deep into the pockets of his baggy jeans. He looked nowhere but straight ahead, his whole posture tense and curved inward at the shoulders as if he were trying to duck low to avoid exposure to the people around them. It made him appear younger than he was, and distant.

When they reached the elevators, L got on without pause and kept his eyes elsewhere. Until Light belatedly decided to enter the small space and stopped the doors from closing, he did not look up.

"Light, what are you doing?" L said, blinking at him. "Your father-"

"Ah, yes. What _did_ he say to you?"

"It doesn't matter. You need to go." The doors began to ease shut.

"I don't really want to."

The doors made a dull _clung_ noise as they met and the elevator began its ascent.

L made an exasperated noise. "What are you going to tell him? Staying out this late or later certainly does not fit the facade you've been playing for him."

"I know that," Light said with frustration. He ran a hand though his hair. "But wearing your clothes home isn't going to help matters either."

"Are we going to be pretending like nothing has changed then?" L asked incredulously. "Because you might have a hell of a time convincing your father-"

"What would you propose then? That the world's greatest detective and his prime suspect in one of the biggest cases of all time waltz out of the closet together??"

"Wait a second here, I am _not_ gay," L said adamantly.

"No?" Light pressed, "Well you seemed oddly compliant to my advances, if that's the case." Ok, that was a bit of hypocrisy... Maybe. He was certain that he himself was straight - he just seemed to have a special something when it came to L.

"I don't remember encouraging you," L said coldly. "As I recall, you were quite fired up on your own."

"Please," Light scoffed. "You were practically begging me to touch you."

L's face became pinched with anger, his eyes slightly wild. "I never wanted anything to do with you! You started it! All of this sick...twisted..."

Light ducked as L launched a sloppy roundhouse at his head. He weaved around a hastily thrown left hook and rushed L against the dark mirrored wall of the elevator.

His forearm pinned L's throat. Dark, vengeful eyes stared into the depth of his being.

"It isn't sick," Light said in a low, warning voice. "None of it. Not for us."

"You have a whole world full of people that would argue that," L struggled to get out past the pressure of Light's arm.

Light stared deep into L's eyes. "If it were just us two, it wouldn't seem wrong, would it?" There was a minute change in the quality of L's expression. "It's everyone else that gets in the way... Their perceptions, their prejudices..."

"But that is the world we live in," L said emptily.

"For now."

"And what is that supposed to mean??" L strangled out, straining again against the choke hold.

"It means that the world is subject to change, just like everything else."

"But why do you have to say it - like you're _him_?" L's eyes were sharp, as if ready to begin digging up the edges of his very being, but they were also guarded and frustrated.

"Who?" Light knew who, but he felt it necessary to make L say it. While he had L here, under hand. Restrained. His throat held captive beneath the bar of muscle and bone. Out of such situations, honesty was borne.

"Dammit, Light. Kira. KIRA." L looked torn between fighting him and giving up, his body sagging. "So often you speak like you're him - how am I to dismiss that enough to convince myself you _aren't_?"

"What you believe is up to you."

"NO." L dug his fingers in Light's arm, trying to gain leverage, but it was immobile. "What I believe is based on what I'm given."

The chime of the elevator reaching it's destination caused Light to withdraw.

The doors clanged and slid open, admitting an older couple that had the air of a honeymoon about them. They greeted the two boys pleasantly, trying to engage them in amiable chatter.

L ignored them, stalking out of the elevator in long strides, leaving Light to make polite excuses before trying to catch up.

Light had almost overtaken the dark-haired boy when the door to room 614 closed swiftly and firmly in his face.

"Ryuuzaki!" Light said against the door in a harsh whisper, not wanting his voice to carry. "_Ryuuzaki!_" He heard the sound of an inner door shutting none-too-gently. _"Damn it, L."_ Locked out and obviously being ignored, there was nothing to do now but head home.

...In his borrowed pants.

What could he possibly say to explain that and also allow for his distinct lack of his own slacks?

Light turned on his heel and stormed back down the hallway. More than the question of his attire - he'd figure something out - the delicate and precarious balance between himself and L was cause for concern. He wasn't sure why he kept wanting to assume that L would be cooperative and fall neatly within every plan or solution he devised, but the detective was not so compliant. Every time they moved forward personally, L insisted on bringing in the case and Kira, forcibly setting them back. It was like a shield for him to brandish.

_But how can I divest him of it?_

If Light acknowledged his true identity... It would force L to lay down his accusations towards his trustworthiness, and potentially close the rift that it was causing between them. This was only given L's uncertainty over Kira's guilt and the state of his sense of justice. However, if upholding common law overrode L's personal feelings of right and wrong - an admission could just as easily drive the wedge even deeper. Not only that, an admission might well result in a death sentence. L would play along, of course, keeping him in place until they captured him/Kira...

Trust.

It was the ultimate in trust.

If he chose to unveil himself in order to keep Ryuuzaki close, he would have to trust that L would not turn him in, and L would have to trust him to not kill him.

The biggest obstacle... was that neither of them were very trusting people.

--

L lay on his bed, an arm flung over his eyes.

This had to be THE most untenable situation he'd ever found himself himself mired in.

Light Yagami. Kira. Where did one end and the other begin? How thoroughly enmeshed was one with the other? For he did not ever really doubt that they were one and the same.

The question was, were they of one mind, or two?

If he could come to trust one persona, must he still be wary of the other? Or were 'Light' and 'Kira' so wrapped up in each other, that they could never be separated - a swirl of death and good intentions? Was there no hope of extricating the boy from the killer? No hope of reform?

If he fell any deeper into Light's pace, was he merely courting his own certain death?

_Light..._ L clutched the pillow under his head with angry fists. His sense of stability was wildly askew, and made more so with every dealing. _What is your ultimate goal? Why can't I __**see**__ it?_

He used to be able to predict everything so well, and now... _I'm running blind._

--

Light opened the front door quietly. Uselessly, perhaps, but the time of night almost seemed to demand it. He knew he needn't have bothered, confirmed for him by the sight of his father standing in the foyer - visible before the door was even halfway open.

His father appeared to have been there for some time - he was leaning with his shoulder touching the wall - the picture of someone settled in for a long wait. His arms were crossed.

Light glanced surreptitiously at his watch. It had been 50 minutes since his father's call. 20 minutes of wasted time spent on L, which he did not regret, nor would he take back if he were able. Though the conclusion of their evening could have gone better...

"You're late," Light's father intoned as Light shut the door behind him. He was referring to his preordained time of 30 minutes, not the extreme lateness of the hour - as that had been established prior, on the phone.

"Well, you know. Traffic," Light said under his breath.

"I heard that, and I will not be convinced of such at **this** hour of night."

"I wouldn't dream of it."

Oh, he was mad - every line on his father's face was tight. "Don't you take that tone with me."

"What tone, father?" Had he been little too deadpan before? Or a little too lacking in attentiveness? He needed to refocus and play this right. He was letting himself get out of hand.

"I don't know, just stop." His father's body language was stiff and stilted. He was angry _and_ uncomfortable then. To truly win this - Light had to make him feel he'd gained the upper hand. But what track to use...? "How can I stop something when I don't even know what it is you wish me to cease doing?"

Yagami-san's eyes glinted behind the lenses of his glasses, making his stern face look rather formidable.

Light was unfazed. He'd seen this at least two times before. Admittedly, he was surprised when his father grabbed him by the arm and dragged him into the hall.

"What is it you think you're doing?" the elder Yagami said in a harsh undertone.

"Wha-"

"Don't you dare ask me what! You _know_ what, and I'll not have you patronizingly deny that you haven't the slightest. All of your behavior of late, but especially tonight - has been inexcusable."

Light blinked at him, feeling it wiser to let the rant go unchecked.

"I could understand it if you were younger - that you were probably just acting out - but you're 18 and well past that age. But now? What is going on with you?"

"Am I allowed to speak?"

"NO. I'm not finished." The police chief drew himself up to his full height, his stature being fairly impressive when he wanted it to be. "I have been nothing but supportive of you and your studies, and I have given you free reign in almost all regards. All I ask for in return is that you remain polite and courteous, set a good example, put your full effort into your studies, and observe a reasonable curfew. Just tonight alone you have thrown each of those things away as if you have the standing to dismiss them, and I am telling you that you _don't_."

Light tried not to react, but he could feel himself bristling. 'Know your place,' his father was telling him. _I know my place quite well, father. Better than most._

"Were you even planning on coming home tonight - or had I not called, would you have stayed out all night?"

Light opened his mouth to speak, but his father wasn't done.

"You've been neglecting your studies, ignoring your curfew and getting high-handed with your own father, not to mention setting a horrible example for Sayu."

Light sensed that the preamble was over and they were about to get to the part that was really bothering his father.

"Do you have any idea what it felt like to have L suddenly come on the phone like that? To tell me how to handle my own son?? What gives him the right when he is still young enough to be a child of mine?"

Light shrugged apologetically.

"Whose idea was it?"

Light's brows knit in confusion. "Idea?"

"Which one of you initiated your... meeting tonight? Who decided that school and family was unimportant in favor of spending the night together?"

"No one disregarded those things. It was unplanned."

"So, L disappears, and somehow you just happen to run into him, and just happen to decide to spend _hours_ together, and you _just happen_ to end up wearing a pair of his jeans??"

Light looked down mutely at the incongruity of jeans that were not perfectly tailored to his form and back up to his father. "Oh, that..."

"No excuses. I've heard enough of those to last me a lifetime." The elder Yagami ran an angry hand through his hair, frowning deeply. "When I called, I was hoping somehow that you had decided to go see Misa. I never would have imagined that you'd... _with L_..."

"Wait a minute, that I'd what with L? I didn't do anything-"

"If Sayu came home dressed in some boy's clothing, there would only be one assumption to make. That same logic ought to apply here, regardless."

Light was appalled. His father was developing a penchant for uncomfortable conversations. Not to mention, the assumption that he would be the one giving it up to L - based on what?? Age? Feh! "But-"

Yagami-san held up a hand. "The hardest thing to accept about it is how thoroughly he is changing who you are. That he feels it is all right to control you to this extent. It's all been in these last several weeks, hasn't it? You've been more withdrawn and distant and you've mentioned the trouble you were having in school, and all L does is push to take more of your time with 'the investigation'. That's the real reason you took time off 'for school', isn't it? And the reason you are dating Misa? To force L to give you space?"

Light blinked with wide eyes. How _had_ his father managed to get this so twisted around??

"I understand if it is hard for you to put off advances of that sort, as you are... the way you are," his father sounded sort of awkward and fierce at the same time, protecting his honor against the villainous L. "After taking a stance of keeping your distance, for weeks, the first thing L does is..." he gestured to Light's borrowed attire to allude to his assumption that L had deflowered his son. "So I'll take the problem out of your hands by taking you out of that situation."

"You'll what?" This did not sound good.

"I'm pulling you off the investigation."

Profound shock. That was what this feeling was. "But you can't do that!" Light hissed. "I'm a vital part of -"

Yagami-san took Light's shoulders in his hands and shook him a little. "Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, L was talking up your importance so that he could keep you within easy reach? That he was pushing you so hard, to goad you into spending more and more time where he could watch you? That he would go so far as to name you a suspect as more of the same?"

This dastardly version of L his father had painted was near comical, though Light had a hard time appreciating it at the present time. Off of the investigation? His father was crazy if he thought that would keep him from L. Though it would certainly complicate matters dreadfully. "Are you saying that L was lying about the difference my contribution makes to the case?" He kept his voice disbelieving but tinged with uncertainty. "That he'd falsify information pertaining to the case for such a reason?" This might be the only workable angle he'd get. He tried to look crushed.

His father toned it down several notches, now looking like he felt bad about the whole thing. "It is a possibility... I just want you to be aware of it." His hands sort of patted Light's shoulders. "Before you get too involved emotionally." _As well as physically,_ was the underlying message.

Oh god. Now even his father was talking about emotions. Was he the only one that found issue with such things?

"About Misa... I think it is unfair of you to keep dating her if she was merely something to keep L at a distance."

"I can promise you that was never the case."

"Oh, right. Right." The elder Yagami nodded sagely as if he were reading past his son's words with accuracy. "Just remember that pride is not worth breaking a girl's heart."

As much as he'd love to, Light was not able to free himself from Misa's company so easily. Death Notes, complications, it was all a trifle annoying. "But Misa would be _more_ upset if I ended our relationship so suddenly." Light gave his father his most convincing, tormented, innocent face. "Don't you want me to try for something conventional? I'm not ill suited to it, I assure you. Before L came along, I never even questioned such things."

"But why L? Of anyone, why L?"

"Well, isn't it amazing how intelligent he is? How focused?" Light made a show of modest praise with subdued adoration. "And so young, for all his accomplishments."

His father lapped it up, looking more worried and protective by the moment. It was a far cry from the tyrant who'd met him at the door.

The difference must be in who the parent is able to blame for a situation. Now that the blame was L's, the elder Yagami felt relieved that he had a source of evil to route to thereby return his son to normal. The problem was not with the egg, but the chicken, to put it colloquially. (A fitting rendition to the age old question of 'which came first?', for it was a toss up as to which of them started all this, himself or L.)

"So it is his mind you admire," his father said slowly, turning the thought with a nod of acceptance. "Perfectly reasonable, as you are extremely intelligent yourself and have no classmates who approach your ability."

"But I find that his eyes can be... rather engaging," Light said faintly with a finger poised to his lips as if he was deep in thought. As expected, the comment set his father aflutter - physical attraction being a harder topic to deal with. He decided to punish his father a little more. "Especially when they get so focused," Light murmured. "And up close-"

Yagami-san coughed. "That's uh - enough for now. I think I get the idea."

"I don't think you do - you've never seen him when he's intent upon you, with such a _forceful_ air about him..." Light said 'forceful' like he would have said words like 'desirable' or 'seductive.' "It's nearly impossible to refuse-"

"_Son. _That is more than enough. I really do get the gist of it."

Light pretended to be startled out of his musings. "Oh," he said in a quiet voice as if he were feeling scolded. "Right... I seem to have forgotten myself." It was truly amazing how easily his father was buying this new act. Especially with how sloppy his acting was when he first arrived home.

"This situation is more complicated that I originally thought..." Yagami-san said. "I'll have to think on how I wish to handle this. But until then, I still have to ground you for disobeying me. When you are not at school, you will come straight home."

"Are you really barring me from the investigation?"

"If it were only the investigation, we wouldn't be having this conversation! You seem to have a problem where L is concerned, and I really have to question your judgment."

"You're afraid that L will somehow be able to make a move on me when I am surrounded by all of the task force members?"

"Not necessarily then. But, yes. And I think it best to remove the opportunity for inappropriate behavior."  
_  
Oh, this was going to be annoying._ Light wasn't sure how L was going to be after today - was he going to become the recluse again? Would his father's declaration remove all contact they would have, or would L give in and follow him around school and give him the chance to get close?

Oh, if only he could get L alone again like he had tonight. It had sent such delicious thrills through him to have the detective utterly enthralled and within his power. How much more so then, if they had been together truly, as his father suspected? Only he would be the one deflowering L, picking him apart piece by piece and watching the structure of him crumble.

He wanted to have him so badly tonight, but he knew it would be too much. He had to lure L in. Brute force would not win it. L had to be seduced carefully and thoroughly.

"Light, are you listening to me?"

"Of course, father."

"Then you have no arguments?"

"I agree that I have been acting poorly of late. I would expect nothing less than the removal of my privileges. But I beg you to consider lightening the sentence should my behavior improve to your satisfaction. Misa will be beside herself with worry."

"I'm not agreeing to anything, but that is a possibility."

"Very well. I respect your decision, whatever it may be." Light kept his eyes downcast, the meek, insolent child, accepting well-deserved punishment. There was nothing more to do, really. This would be a waiting game. "If you are finished with me, I'd like to go to my room and get some sleep..."

"Yes. Yes, of course. You do that." His father seemed gruff and infinitely relieved.

Light dipped his head in thanks and started up the stairs.

Next time... There had to be a next time with L... His desire for the detective had barely diminished since their brief interlude but a few hours ago. It had banked itself and was growing in intensity, burning even brighter than before.

It really didn't help matters any that his father had chosen to ground him and remove him from the case. Now the uncertainty of when he would actually see L again dogged him and a thread of frantic irritation dug its way under his skin. Digging. Digging. Growing. Gnawing. And what a way to leave things indefinitely - the last scene of the night being L's flashing eyes and a door slammed in his face. Had they ultimately gained ground or lost it? It was so hard to tell.

Light quietly opened his door and closed it behind him, to keep from waking anyone with careless noise. He leaned with his back against the door and allowed his thoughts their freedom at last.

L's lips, soft and full beneath his... the quality of the air that left his mouth in a gasp... A shudder went through Light as he revisited the night's events in obsessive detail. The feel of L's arousal in his hand, so hot and hard that L could do nothing to deny the pleasure that Light's touch brought him...

So many things were in evidence that even the detective's brilliant mind could be overcome by such attention - despite how L tried to fight it. Every little concession L gave him spurred him on to take more, demand more.

He'd wanted to possess the other boy so badly that it had taken an impressive amount of will to hold himself in check. Every other thought had involved pinning the dark-haired detective beneath him, pushing his way inside that lean body, and wringing more of those delightfully unscripted moans from his reluctant mouth.

Light felt the gathering in his loins, the irrefutable tightness that heralded an unignorable arousal that would not pass on its own.

"Damn it, L," he groaned softly, his hand slipping down to touch himself - something he rarely gave in to. It bordered on taboo to let his body hold sway over his will - to have to yield to physical needs.

The jeans were an unexpected roughness against his hand and aching flesh and called to mind the detective who always wore them. Light could almost feel the press of his body against the slim lines of L's, the hard insistent lengths of their desire caught between their taut stomachs and the toe-curling sensations as the friction between them began to build.

_Oh, if only I could have been inside you..._

Light bit his lip as his hand circled himself and squeezed - a pale substitute for the embrace of L's body, but a stirring one nonetheless.

His mind drove the illusion further... He could see and feel the smooth skin of spread thighs and L's wrists trapped beneath his hand. He could almost see L's averted face - his dark eyes would be closed, his brows knitted, and his breath coming in hot gasps as Light moved within him... L's body straining upwards against him, against pleasure, bearing down on him with such tight pressure that Light could scarcely avoid losing himself to the sensation.

Light gasped aloud as orgasm lashed through him hard and fast enough that it almost forced him to his knees.

His head fell forward as he tried to draw breath in labored, shallow pants. His body was flushed and damp, his pulse racing. All of the textbook reactions that should be evidence of satisfaction, but it was incomplete. Empty. Meaningless if it wasn't really L with him.

He wanted to see the other boy react to him and lose control with him. He wanted to see him lying exhausted and panting next to him.

He wanted everything. Every little thing he could wring from L and more.

There had to be a way. He'd find it, whatever it was.

_Soon, Ryuuzaki, soon..._

* * *

TBC

Reviews anyone? Let me know how I am doing? plzthx


	10. Maneuvers

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 10: Maneuvers)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

* * *

Chapter 10:

L could not for the life of him determine why he was on the receiving end of _such_ a potent glare from Light's father.

It was not even the equal of what he would have expected after their brief communication on Light's phone the other evening. If he had to estimate its intensity, he would say it was easily double what it should have been.

L pretended he hadn't noticed the look, or the one from Matsuda for that matter. Instead he ate his toast and jam with the utmost concentration, wishing for the days he could work in peace without having to deal with people at all hours.

His eyes flicked between the three monitors before him, all running different searches and reports. To think, he could end all this if he had but one scrap of proof. Then he could lead an envoy to the Yagami household, and rub Yagami-san's face in the fact that his sainted son was the diabolical, purist, ruthless KIRA.

It would be worth it for approximately 15 seconds.

By that time, reactions would have run their full paces, and the greater problem would arise.

Though it would be a boost to the ego to be able to announce this case solved, he didn't favor the course that resolution would follow. Light would be removed - incarcerated or executed - and the cautious probing L did at the future that stretched out after such events made him feel empty to a degree that was quite overwhelming. It was a bleak, dead future. No promise, just a return to the seclusion and hollowness to which he'd previously been accustomed. After this case, he would disappear and become the faceless mind that spoke from behind glowing screens - leading the lesser minds who basked in his shadow. The likelihood that he would ever again be truly challenged, that he would ever find someone who lived and functioned on his level, was slim.

It would be a shock, being tossed back among the empty dolls once more. To never be seen or understood - to be far too advanced for them to even try.

Could he really martyr himself for them? To give up a chance at everything he wanted, merely to save the chaff of their society?

But what of Kira? If Light were indeed him, could L believe what he'd said? That Kira would overlook a dormant threat? Or was it just another pretty thought?

_If only I could trust you...  
_  
"Ryuuzaki," an impatient voice intruded on his thoughts.

L's typing slowed but did not stop."Yes, Matsuda-san?"

The dark-haired man frowned and puffed out his chest. "You're the reason Light hasn't been by the last several days, aren't you?"

L stopped typing, hands poised over the keys, and peered up at him. "Whatever gave you that idea, Matsuda-san?" He would have much rather responded with, _'Shut up, you're an idiot,'_ which was an amazingly versatile rejoinder, applicable to nearly everything the man said, but L managed to refrain. That sort of reply only guaranteed a longer interaction.

"He knew you were mad at him last time he was here. Now he probably won't be back for a long time again. Why can't you just be NICE?"

L blinked at the spectacle of a grown man pouting, noting the angry spots of color on his boyish cheeks. "Nice? Have I ever failed to be so, Matsuda-san?" It was utterly ridiculous to even be accused of such a thing. He reigned his true reactions in to the point of pure sainthood. "If I have been rude in some way, I would like to know the specifics so that I can avoid a recurrence in the future."

Matsuda opened and closed his mouth a few times like a fish.  
_  
Oops. Was that too far over his head?_ L tried again. "Light-kun thought I was displeased with him?"

Matsuda nodded avidly, his arms crossing over his chest. It was frightening how simple he was.

"Did he say anything that led you to that conclusion?" L felt rather than saw the elder Yagami's attention suddenly hone in on the exchange. It made the skin between his shoulder blades twitch, but he endured it without giving evidence he'd noticed it.

"He said it was upsetting him, and that he just couldn't concentrate. I could tell he was thinking about it the whole time he was supposed to be helping me."

It was then that the police chief decided to chime in. "Light has been having trouble with concentration on the whole." At this, an icy look towards L. "I believe he's been under too much _pressure_ of late."

L felt his skin bristle. He did not easily tolerate ill-placed accusations."Yagami-san, I understand you feel the investigation is too intense at times, but your implications that I have been pushing Light-kun to devote more resources than he has at his disposal-"

"Let's not play games, Ryuuzaki," Yagami-san cut him off. "You demand far too much and I'll not stand for it." There was a muscle in his squared jaw that was starting to jump. "I have pulled Light off of the investigation."

Matsuda gasped. "What? No! Sir, we need him!"

Yagami silenced him with a quelling glance. "Are we all so inadequate that we need a young man of a mere 18 years of age in order to give us the confidence that we can solve this case?"

"Of course not, Yagami-san," L said blandly. "However, despite his age he has a gift for profiling and is amazingly insightful, thus making him of great value."

The police chief's look darkened. "You'll just have to make do without him." He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "And that goes for your shadowing of him as well. It is unnecessary, and I expect it to stop immediately."

_What did happen the other night at the Yagami household?_ L felt like he was missing vital information. The police chief was overly confrontational, given the situation, and was most certainly not in the position to issue him orders, in any case.

"Need I remind you, Yagami-san, your son is a prime suspect in this investigation, and if I deem it necessary to observe him at school, or anywhere else, you do not have the jurisdiction to prohibit me." Quietly spoken, L's words were still bordered on threatening. He did not like the police chief's manner, nor did he intend to let such insolence slide.

"I have the right to govern my family as I see fit," Yagami-san said, his face darkening. "Keep surveillance if you must, but I forbid you to engage my son further."

L's eyes narrowed. "In what way do you expect me to do so, Yagami-san? As far as I am aware, engaging another person in conversation or chess should not warrant such dramatic airs as this."

Oh my. Purple was not the police chief's color.

Yagami-san leaned towards him, livid, indignant, and utterly beside himself. "I know exactly what happened here the other night and I do not intend to allow it to continue. Light told me everything."

L blinked. _Really? That was doubtful._ If he had, Yagami-san would be acting a hell of a lot more embarrassed.

L considered the situation carefully. He would definitely have a question or two for the younger Yagami next time he saw him regarding what in the _hell _he told his father, and why. For the moment though, he would hold his piece. Light may have had a perfectly good reason for handling things the way he had - and once L found out what it was and verified its validity, he would be free to act how he saw fit.

"Um, did something happen?" Matsuda asked tentatively.

"Nothing that can't be remedied," Yagami-san said stolidly.

Ok, now this was just getting irritating. Was it really his duty to cover for Light, at his own expense? Why should he look out for the other boy when it was obvious the brunette had had no qualms about casting him in a bad light? "You know, Yagami-san, this is getting rather tiresome, and is not at all conducive to our work. I suggest you attempt a more courteous manner if you wish to continue your stay here this evening. Otherwise, I'm sure a few recuperative hours at your home might serve you well."

He'd meant to drag out of the older man whatever was peeving him, to cease the animosity, or at least clarify things a bit, but he found that the words just wouldn't come. It was pathetic, but something in him balked at exposing the truth until he got the full story from Light. Gods, was he already this loyal?? And for what? How could loyalty precede trust?

The police chief's jaw locked, and he nodded curtly. "Very well. I'll be going home to spend some time with my family." He said it quite protectively, _'my family,'_ and L got the inkling that a substantial amount of that protectiveness was reserved for his son.

He gathered his things, draped his jacket over his arm, gave a pleasant farewell to the remaining task force members and let himself out.

As the hotel room door closed, Matsuda looked at L and said, "What just happened?"

"It is over your head, Matsuda-san," L said amicably, to lighten the blow.

"Oh," Matsuda replied, as if L had actually answered the question satisfactorily, turning to stare at the door once more

--

"Watari?" L called over the small intercom in the monitor room. They had it connected so that L could communicate with the older man when he was out via a tiny speaker and earphone setup that was not obvious to the casual observer.

Crackle. fzzzz. "Yes, L?"

"Do you..." L paused. "That is, can you obtain for me the cell phone number of Light Yagami?"

The voice on the other end was strangely silent. L punched a few buttons as he said, "Watari, are you there?" The system was known to be slightly buggy at times. It was something on his list of things to do, but he'd never felt motivated to pursue it - the connection was serviceable enough most days.

"Yes, sir, I am here."

"Would you mind getting me that number?" He could do it himself, but why waste time obtaining it through unorthodox methods when Watari might have it on hand? L liked to be efficient. Especially when it spared him needless effort.

"Sir... in deference to the police chief's wish for anonymity, I'm afraid I cannot."

What? Even the concept of his trusted assistant denying him in the same breath as someone else's name was unthinkable. "Watari, are you refusing my request?"

"It does appear that way, sir."

L blinked, and when he next spoke, his voice was utterly devoid of the easy manner he typically used. _That either Yagami had infiltrated so far as this..._ "Then you owe it to me to explain yourself in a more holistic fashion, I should think." His voice booked no argument. "What is the real reason?"

"Upon speaking with Yagami-san earlier... I must say that I am rather taken aback at the events he has alluded to."

So, the police chief was counting on Watari's position and age to reign in L's behavior, to keep him from doing whatever it was he was so against? That Watari would hold enough of the place of caretaker or parental surrogate that L would oblige him like a scolded child? Yagami-san misunderstood much about their relationship if he thought that. It was equally ridiculous of him to assume L let anyone hold sway over him like that. Though, 3 minutes ago he would have been 90 sure that Watari would never have attempted to parody such a thing, and here he was the closest to parental disapproval L had ever witnessed.

"You don't say." L rubbed his temples. He didn't truly wish to berate Watari, though the impulse was there. He decided to revert back to his usual manner, erring on the side of lenience. "It seems he may be under the impression that I have more than a professional relationship with his son." Watari may feel he had a good reason for all of this and L had typically trusted his judgment. Perhaps there was more information to ferret out here.

"That would be putting it lightly, sir." Watari paused. "I cannot say that I approve... Though I understand you are rather - attached - to the young man." Watari paused again awkwardly. "Perhaps it is best to give him more space at this time, and not pursue him to such an extent."

As realization dawned on him, L started to laugh. Slow, halting at first, but gaining in strength. _Light, oh, Light, you really are a tricky little bastard_. Grudging admiration battled indignation. It was clear to him now how Light would have handled the displeasure and disillusionment of his father - he had played to the misconception his father had come to be under that **L** was the one making the advances. It fit so perfectly. Light could disavow almost all responsibility while claiming the role of victim, and at the same time, he could maneuver himself into a more favorable position to repair and solidify his standing as the perfect son.

It was a little surprising the brunette was willing to take such a hit to his pride, but apparently he felt it the necessary strategic move. The perfect and most logical move for Light to take - made all the more annoying because it had involved one of those ambiguous LIES that the brunette was so fond of, and L was the one innocently bearing the heat for it.

"Sir, are you alright?"

L ignored the question and issued one of his own. "Watari, why did you allow Light Yagami into the suite the other night when I expressly directed you not to?" It was time to whip out that little bit of insubordination, and stamp out future instances right here and now. He needed control in his own domain at least.

"..." There was a guilty silence.

"Watari, I will not ask you again," L said authoritatively, displeasure seeping into the words. He rarely took such a high stance with the other man, but apparently his equanimity had a few drawbacks.

"It was an error of judgment, sir. It was apparent to me that your moods of late had been caused by a desire to be friends with Yagami-kun, and that your avoidance of the issue would not solve it. I thought that the feeling may have been more than that, but I never would have guessed that you would... make such advances on a boy that is almost a minor."

"I see," he said as if the shape of the thing were making itself know in that instant. "That scenario really would be cause for parental concern." He let his voice flatten once more. "However, it is wholly inaccurate."

"Sir?" He rarely heard the older man sound as bewildered as did now.

"Surely you have seen through Yagami-kun's spun-sugar performance on more than one occasion?"

"...Yes."

"Then you won't be surprised to hear that the situation that was recounted to Yagami-san was done so in the reverse, with the utmost skill to be sure."

"Are you saying-"

"What I am saying, Watari," L said blandly, "is should Yagami-kun have wished it, you provided him ample opportunity to strangle me in the bath. As it was, there were other things on his mind, but I assure you that any advances that were made were not my own."

"But... you were in the study..." Watari said faintly.

"Had I known to expect company," L said imperiously, "I would have reconsidered the urge to bathe."

"I... ah..." came the stumbling response. "Do you still want that number, sir?" Watari offered placatingly.

"I most certainly do."

--

'_Control in his domain_' having been accomplished, L set out to reestablish _'Control over his personal life'_.

He dialed the scribbled number he'd wrested from Watari, then fidgeted in his chair.

Odds were Light still retained possession of his cell phone, despite the possibility his father was prohibiting more than just the investigation. If not, and someone other than Light answered, he could hang up before speaking if and there would be zero percent setback. His own line was untraceable, after all.

There, a slight click and a pause.

L was sure now that it was Light, but he still had to let the other speak first to confirm it. "Who is this?" the voice politely inquired. Cautious. Never letting his _'good boy'_ act slip for a moment. Even to an unknown caller.

"Yagami-kun?" L said patronizingly. He had to start this out right to gain the upper hand.

He heard the faint sound of breath on the other side of the line before an answer. "Ryuuzaki?"

"Yes," L paused but no other responses from Light were forthcoming. "I see you have decided on a rather interesting tactic for dealing with your father..."

He heard Light sigh in annoyance. "It was necessary."

L caught himself just as he started to empathize. Light's expressed distaste at the action he felt compelled to take, or any regret he may have had over the matter, did nothing to erase it or the effect it had. Actions spoke louder than words and Light had stepped over a few boundaries, despite his proclamations of trustworthiness.

"I don't enjoy being made into the villain, Yagami," L said warningly.

"How did you get this number?"

"Watari. Don't balk the issue."

"..." It was a calculating silence. An expectant pause. It exuded arrogance in a way that was all but infuriating.

"Do you have any idea how annoying it is to have your father all but accusing me of besmirching your honor in front of the task force??"

"Is it really as bad as all of that?" Light asked as if it mattered not a whit.

"Yes," L said adamantly. "I will not be blamed for the very thing **I** was subjected to!" _Temper, L, temper._

Light's voice changed, deepening slightly. "And what was it you were subjected to, Ryuuzaki?"

"You know very well-" L felt a flush creeping into his cheeks even as his hand clenched around the phone hard enough to make the plastic protest.

A smile was in Light's smooth voice, "No, I can't seem to recall... perhaps you should refresh my memory..."

"I despise you," L spat.

"Say it like you mean it, Ryuu," Light purred.

L swallowed the reaction he had to that. "Are you trying to be difficult on purpose, or does it just come naturally?"

"Hmmm, that is a tricky question, isn't it?"

"Even more difficult than that is trying to determine why I bothered to call you."

"You thought you would be able to soothe your irritation by putting me in my place, no doubt."

"Nothing about you is soothing, and it would take a stronger stomach than mine and a ball gag to put you in _your_ place."

Light laughed softly in amusement. "I'd love to know what sort of place you have in mind, Ryuuzaki."

It was amazing how suggestive his voice could be when not really saying anything at all. L was taken with the urge to bludgeon the brunette until he no longer generated sex appeal. Which was probably a doomed exercise to begin with. "You-"

"Shhhh," Light said almost inaudibly, but sharply. There was a noise on the other end of the line that sounded like knocking. L frowned and was silent.

--

Light put the cell phone speaker down on the bed. "Yes," he called out.

Someone tried the handle. Of course, it was locked.

"Light," his father's voice, "who are you talking to? Open this door." _Father?_ Light glanced at the clock. But but was early yet for him to be home... if he had known, he would have kept his voice lowered even further to allow for potential eavesdropping.

Light retrieved the phone, turning it up so that L could clearly hear him say, "Of course, father, just a moment." Then he cut the power off and tossed it under the edge of a pillow.

He opened the door and looked to his father expectantly. "Ah, they let you come home early tonight?"

His father cut to the chase. "Who were you talking to just now?"

"I was talking to someone?" Maybe he should reconsider his aversion to outright lying. It would certainly be more helpful than evasion in instances such as this. His father's eyes had narrowed. He looked to be in a foul mood. "Perhaps you heard me studying for my English exam?" Light suggested as his father pushed past him into his room.

"Where is your cell phone?" Yagami-san demanded.

Light moved into the room slowly, as if unconcerned. _Shit._ His father had to have heard something to be on this like a bloodhound. "Oh, where did I put it?" he wondered aloud and started rummaging through his desk and school bag.

His father was sharper than Light gave him credit. He went straight to the bed, flipped back the comforter and then the pillows, discovering the slim cell in moments.

_Dammit._

Light's father proceeded to flip it open and thumb a few keys.

"What are you doing?" Light choked back the outrage and forced his voice to comply to the fields of 'polite' and 'inquiring'. He hated having his things pawed through. The number L had called him from was unlisted, but -

"Who was this unlisted number?"

Telemarketer. "Oh, that was just -"

Yagami-san finished pressing another few buttons and added, "That you were on the line with for over 10 minutes?"

_Shit._ Telemarketer was no good-

"It was L, wasn't it?" his father said accusingly, looking up at last to meet him square in the eye. His expression was set, possessing not even a flicker of doubt.

_Lie, dammit._ "What makes you think that?" _Fuck._ He was going to have to work on that. "Besides, I have never given out this number to anyone in the investigation, least of all L."

"I see I was wrong to allow you even this much freedom." Yagami senior snapped the phone shut and held it in a tight hand. "I should have known L would simply seek you out in other ways, and yet you cover up for him and enable this to continue." His father's eyes were dark with disapproval. "I'm greatly disappointed in you, son."

"But I haven't done anything-"

"I've told him he is disallowed any contact with you and that he can no longer use the investigation as an excuse to get close, nor is he to pursue you at school. I see the gravity with which he took my warning. It has been less than 2 hours since."

"But father, if I am a suspect, it isn't likely he would heed-"

"It's a bogus charge to begin with, and we all know it."

_False indeed. _At least one layer of wool was still over his father's keen eyes.

"L may well try to approach you at your school. Do not initiate or return any contact with him whatsoever, or I cannot be held responsible."

"Father, are you threatening me?" Light made his voice meek and disbelieving. The disbelief was not feigned.

"You can take it that way if you choose. But I'll not stand by and watch my only son get treated like a plaything by someone older, cannier, and with no morals to speak of."

"How do you know what morals he has?" Light snapped out. God, listening to this was just irritating. He couldn't bear it any longer. "How well do you truly know him? Have you even once spoken to him about something other than the case?"

"A few rounds of chess and a hasty romp make you an expert then?"

It was extraordinarily hard not to explode right then. "Did it ever cross your mind that we've talked, or do you think so low of me that I would be swayed by so little?"

"I don't know what to think, except that I hardly even know you anymore."

Light's hands balled into fists. "If you've finished with me, I would like to go to bed," he ground out. Some days it was tempting, oh so tempting to entertain the thought of writing his father's name down in the notebook. He hadn't been this incensed in ages.

"Very well." Yagami-san walked several paces to the door. "I'll be keeping this for the time being," he said, and pocketed the phone. "And when you are not at school, you are to come straight home. I will check with your mother to make sure this is observed in my absence."

He closed the door behind him and Light had to fight the howl of rage that was welling up from deep inside of him. It was outrageous to be treated this way. The god of the new world, grounded like a common child!

Light relocked his door and bent to the special desk drawer that housed the death note. He pulled out the slim leather volume and ran his hand over the pleasing black surface. If he was to suffer, there were those that could be made to suffer as well... only his wrath was entirely more deadly than his father's.

* * *

TBC


	11. Blitz Tactics

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 11: Blitz Tactics)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

* * *

Chapter 11:

L shuffled to the headquarters hotel room around 10 a.m. the next day, the hallway's tastefully patterned carpet soft but firm under his bare feet. His steps slowed. He'd given the matter much thought since his abruptly ended phone call last night. Yagami-san seemed to be systematically removing all opportunity he had to interact with Light on any level. Though he had considered removing himself from Light's sphere of influence on his own, and on more than one occasion, having it done for him was greatly irritating.

He supposed it had been considerate of Light to let him know the father was involved instead of merely hanging up. Calling again would almost guarantee that the elder Yagami would be the one who answered.

Considerate? Had he ever applied such a word to Light before? And if that word fit, it certainly went against a mountain of evidence to the contrary. Perhaps it was not consideration then, but a guise of it? For when had Light ever looked out for anyone but himself?

But back to the matter at hand.

Regardless of what Yagami-san believed him to be guilty of, and no matter how he chose to run his own family, he held no sway over L and his attempts at controlling L's actions must be met with decisive action. No matter how uncomfortable that made things, it was necessary to L's sense of autonomy and pride. It was also a challenge Yagami-san had issued, and L sorely disliked backing down from one of those.

L opened the door to the hotel room, and slunk sulkily through the room to his seat. There was nothing here of true interest while Light was absent. The monotony of it all was creeping back and gaining full force. Well, wasn't that sick? He actually missed the brunette. Torment and all.  
_  
Watari must still be feeling guilty_, he thought as he eyed a platter of exorbitantly priced, oversized muffins that had been placed next to his usual seat. They were from the bakery across town and were covered in plastic wrap to keep other greedy hands away until such a time that L chose to share. If he did. L lifted the corner and took out one of the heavy, fresh muffins, eyes shining as he admired the light sparkling off the course granulated sugar that adorned its cap in abundance. These were his favorite breakfast, and it had been some time since he'd last had even one. The traffic, price, and availability being the center of Watari's usual argument against such fare.

L broke off a piece of the cap and popped it into his mouth. His eyes closed as he savored it. _Still warm... _Watari was all but forgiven.

"-zaki. Ryuuzaki!"

One of L's dark eyes opened a crack. Matsuda. He sighed. Must they pounce on him so quickly? "Certainly you have had breakfast already, Matsuda-san?"

"Huh?" The man scratched his head. "Oh. Yeah, I did-"

"Then I'm sure you won't begrudge me a few moments to have mine?" Civility, L.

"Well, but it's kinda... important..."

_More important than warm, gourmet muffins? I think not._ L popped another piece into his mouth and looked at Matsuda as if he could freeze the motion of the man's mouth if he only concentrated hard enough. _Better yet, go away. Leave me to my muffins! _He tried shooing the pesky man with his eyes.

Matsuda, unfortunately, held fast but he was wavering. "You see... last night... um... there..."

L bit a huge chunk out of his muffin and chewed it with a horrific smacking of lips. He squinted one eye for good effect. It was a disservice to the glorious confection he was consuming but to his satisfaction Matsuda started edging away, 'important matter' suddenly becoming less so. _Ha!_

"What Matsuda is trying to say is that there has been a rash of new murders since last night," Yagami-san interrupted impatiently. "It seems that Kira has become active again in a big way."

L refrained from beating his head into the nearest object. "And why exactly is it necessary to tell me this now versus five minutes from now?" God. _Leave me be. Let me eat. Bother me forever afterwards if you must. Just go away before they get __**cold**__! _

Yagami-san coming over to add his two cents was not helping this pass quickly.

"Can you not spare a few moments for information pertinent to the case, Ryuuzaki?" Yagami-san crossed his arms across his chest. "What is a few minutes? Must everything happen according to your will, including breaking news?"

L's heart sank. _Muffins, oh, muffins, how quickly your delightful warmth doth fade._ This was a travesty. A silent passing of all that was good in this world, and he was the only one to bear witness. _Don't worry, my fair comrades, I will avenge you.  
_  
"Last night, you say?" L took a bite of room temperature muffin, and chewed thoughtfully. Regretfully actually, but they probably wouldn't note the distinction.

"Yes, last night."

"Interesting," L said. "It seems to me that Kira suddenly had a change in circumstance. And was today not the first day that you have forbidden me and the investigation from tailing a main suspect? My, yes, that is _quite_ interesting." L examined a piece of muffin as he said this and waited for the expected refute.

"Light is not Kira," Yagami-san spat.

L met the chief's eyes with blank ones. "I'm afraid evidence points to the contrary, Yagami-san, and I do not believe in coincidences."

"Why were you talking to him last night?" the police chief rounded. "Answer me that."

"Was I?" L said in surprise. "Do you have any proof of this?"

"He had a call from an unlisted number. It had to be you."

"This is getting tiresome, Yagami-san," he sighed with annoyance. Yagami-san was fast to jump to conclusions nowadays. "Unless you have something on which to found your accusations...?"

The police chief's jaw was set, and his composure was looking rather less stable than usual. "I've told you, you are to stay away from him."

"Yes, but as I recall telling _you_, I will not allow anything to compromise this investigation and I will do whatever I see as necessary to bring it to its completion." L took a bite of cold muffin, and watched the older man's reaction as he chewed nonchalantly. "In fact, I have decided that more intrinsic surveillance is called for. We will be planting hidden cameras in the homes of 10 suspects to try to narrow our focus to only the most plausible of the group. Or, in the best case scenario, catch Kira at work and see how it is he accomplishes these murders."

"_No_."

"'No', what, Yagami-san?"

"I'll not have you-" The police chief seemed overwrought. His fist clenched and unclenched at his sides."What gives you the _right_-"

"My credentials and my backers," L interrupted.

"But to go so far! My wife and daughter... it's unthinkable!"

"I have considered this, Yagami-san. I will be requesting your assistance in the monitoring of your family."

The older man relaxed the barest fraction, but his frown etched deeper.

"But as you are predisposed to believing your family is completely innocent, I cannot allow you to monitor them all yourself. You may choose who you wish to be the sole watcher of, but it cannot be all three." The police chief seemed torn. Being forced to chose whose propriety to uphold had to have been difficult.

"Are they to be monitored at all times?"

"Yes. Bathrooms and showers will have cameras as well."

Yagami-san got a stubborn look to him. "If you suspect Light, why must you keep surveillance on my wife and Sayu? This is all just another one of your schemes, is it not? Then put only Light under surveillance and **I** will watch him."

"Being thorough is the only way for this to have a chance of success, Yagami-san. I must watch the entire household of every prime suspect. But as you are part of the investigation, I am offering you a chance to preserve some of their modesty. I do not care who I watch, be it Light or your lovely daughter." L blinked large black eyes at him in as disconcertingly and intensely interested manner as possible and said, "She takes after your wife, does she not?"

Yagami-san dove forward and fisted the front of L's shirt in his hand. "How do you know my wife and daughter?"

L let a bland yet smug smile wash over his face. "I know much more about your family then you would suppose. I always do thorough research before approaching anyone. Including members of the police." So far so good. Yagami was now becoming paranoid over L's interest in the female members of his family. But was it enough to tip his hand? Perhaps a little more...

"You surprise me, Yagami-san. I'd have thought most fathers would be more protective over their women. In today's society, it seems less a grievous harm for a male to have his privacy compromised than a female... but then, what do I know? In any case, it will not matter to me who I must keep watch over, be they eating breakfast or taking a shower."

L accented his cavalier speech with his best attempt at a subtlety anticipatory expression. It must have been awful, but Yagami-san was taking it satisfactorily enough.

"**I** will watch my wife and daughter," he said stiffly. "But while I am here I will watch Light as well."

L tried to look disappointed. "Very well then." He truly had no interest in anyone but Light, but this pretense was the only way to gain him this win. "But if you ever need assistance with the other two-"

"I will not," Yagami-san growled. "And don't think I don't know that you stand to gain something here."

"I would stand to gain something if I were to have a worthy partner for chess at my disposal," L said touchily. "Watching the menial day to day tasks of any person will be dreadfully boring." L forced his speech back to monotone and said what he should. "But given your mandate, and my attempt to comply to the greatest extent I am able, this is the only solution that will allow the investigation to continue. I will be relieved when this part is over."

Yagami-san engaged him in a minute-long staring contest before turning sharply away.

L took a bite of muffin, and lamented. It was cold. Stone cold.

--

"What is it, Ryuuk?" Light snapped after dragging the Shinigami halfway into the the commercial district. The damn thing had been floating around his room, laughing, for a good hour. But the bug-eyed, leering creature had volunteered nothing and Light had been unable to ask.

Someone had been in his room. The simple trap Light set with his door told him so - though it was quite unexpected. His family wouldn't have intruded in his absence... so it had to be the investigation's doing. There was a good chance his every move was being monitored. But, following him around outside should prove more difficult.

"Cameras," Ryuuk said, turning to float upside-down. "Now, gimme apples. I _need_ them."

"Tell me where all the cameras are," _you damn vulture_.

"APPLES," Ryuuk bellowed, spinning in place.

Light ignored him and kept walking. _Five, four, three..._

"Ok, I'll tell you where they are," it said quickly. "That's easy. C'mon, Light."

"Very well. Thank you, Ryuuk." Dealing with the shinigami was like dealing with a toddler at times. But then, those were the easier times. It was when its protruding eyes glossed over in apathy that he really had difficulty. "Would you prefer Gala, Fuji, or Red Delicious?" Fortunately for him, Ryuuk seemed happy enough pestering him until his patience threatened to crack.

Ryuuk's eyes lit up. "I want bagged Fuji apples."

Light grimaced. Those were almost 1800 yen (17 dollars) a piece! "Those are gift quality apples. What do you need those for when you'll eat one in two bites?" Light had had them before - they were the best tasting apples you could get. And they damn well better be for all the ridiculous work farmers went to, bagging them on the tree to ensure flavor, and trimming the trees back and using reflectors once they were unbagged to maximize sun exposure to achieve the perfect and uniform color they were known for. Appalling. This might easily become an addiction if he let Ryuuk have even a taste. He'd be broke in a month.

"But, they are 30 percent larger than the other apples at least. It will take longer for me to eat those."

"4 bites versus 3? I hardly see the point."

Ryuuk floated over the apple selection of the storefront market. "It _would_ be a bother for you not to know where those cameras are..." One taloned finger paused at his mouth. "What is the cost of gourmet apples to _that_?" The palid, blue-skinned creature was practically drooling over the fruit, and Light heard him mumble something about the wonderful color and juiciness.

Light shrugged. "Ah well, I suppose splurging isn't bad every once in a while."

"Really, Light??" The Shinigami said gleefully. "You're the best!"

"Clerk? I'll take one of the Gourmet Fuji's please." More quietly he said, "It's a shame I won't be able to buy any more apples for the next two weeks, just to get this one..."

Ryuuk gasped in horror. "TWO WEEKS??"

The clerk nodded in sympathy. "They are a bit expensive, but they are worth it."

"Light! Don't do this to me!" Ryuuk cried over his shoulder.

"Most assuredly," Light responded to the clerk, taking his time to draw out the the shinigami's dismay. "However, I wonder if maybe I should reconsider this time..."

Ryuuk loomed up in front of him, buggy eyes desperate. Light was able to avoid any change in expression. Barely - and only because of hard won practice.

"More is better!" it howled. "Well, not really, but I can't take two weeks of abstinence!"

"Hmmm..." Light considered aloud, torturing the death god. "Perhaps mother will buy the normal ones though."

"Light!!" the death god wailed. "Buy apples. Plural. I crave their sweet flesh! One is not enough!"

"I'm terribly sorry," Light said to the produce clerk, "but I think I will have to go with the normal Fuji apples this time."

"Certainly, sir."

They had hardly gotten out of view of the street when Ryuuk grabbed the bag of apples and started gorging himself as fast as he could. It was revolting. But the death god seemed to be enjoying himself. Perhaps too much.

Light decided not to dwell on that.

Instead, he was wondering what had prompted the surveillance. And how his father had taken the news, as surely he would be against it.  
_  
Not fair, Ryuuzaki. You can see me, but I cannot see you._

_--  
_

It had calmed L down considerably just to see Light, even though it was through the slightly grainy eyes of the cameras.

Light had unobtrusively gone out for a while, but now he was back. He shrugged out of his coat and hung it on a hook in the foyer, then ran a hand through his silky hair to ease any disarray the wind may have caused, his movements graceful as always.

L caught himself about to settle his thumb at his lower lip as he watched, and routed the behavior with a yawn.

"If you are tired, Ryuuzaki, there is no need for both of us to keep watch."

"I don't need much sleep," he answered dismissively, grabbing a caramel, chocolate and coconut covered cookie from the tray next to him. _Nice try, Yagami-san, but I am not going anywhere. _"Besides, it is barely evening yet." He languidly sipped his tea while the police chief ground his teeth.

L turned his attention back to the screen.

"Mother, Sayu, I'm back," Light called out as he removed his shoes at the entryway.

"Light, Light!" His sister bounded up to him. "Can you help me with my math again, pleeeeeeeease?"

"Of course. But I hope you remember what I showed you last time?"

"Weeeell," she drawled out impishly.

Light shook his head ruefully. "You'll never get into college like that," he chided.

"Light, be nice to your sister - and come here a moment? I need some help with the biscuits for dinner. I left the fish on too long, and the vegetables need-"

L blinked slowly at the scene of domesticity. Was this what families were like? It was intriguing. It seemed so wholesome, too - though he knew Light was nothing but an amazing actor. Still. He could almost... be jealous of Light for it. To have people that welcomed him returning to them...

The scene was an illusion though. The man next to him was proof. He knew Light felt nothing short of harassment when dealing with his father of late. And who knew how he really felt about his mother and sister? That smiling, wide-eyed face was merely a mask. One that was so believable it made L's chest hurt for the lie that it was.

Would Light ever genuinely wear that expression?

Was he even capable of personal attachments anymore, as he claimed?

"Mom, when's dad coming home?" Sayu asked.

"I don't know dear, he may be late again tonight. Try to be patient. The investigation is harder on your father than anyone. We need to be supportive right now."

There was the clinking of silverware. The Yagami's table setup was western style. Light buttered a biscuit solemnly and said, "I wish father had allowed me to continue assisting him. The sooner this case is over, the sooner we can go back to normal."

"You know he is just worried about putting you in danger. You are his only son after all."

"But so suddenly? I am in no more danger than I was when I began with the task force."

_Isn't that the truth,_ L thought. _You face no danger from Kira after all, not like the rest of us, being that you are him. You only face entrapment by the law, and we have come no closer to ensnaring you than when you first joined our efforts._

"HAHA," Sayu snickered loudly, "Light's just mad because he got grounded and can't see his _giiiirlfriend_."

"Sayu," their mother hushed her. "How is Misa-Misa, Light? You'll see her at school, will you not?"

"I suppose," he sighed dramatically. "But I hardly think that is sufficient. Classes are so close together - they really only give you time to get from one to the next."

"I heard you _kissed_ her at _school_," Sayu said brazenly.

"Sayu!" Her mother gasped. "Stop that right now, it is inappropriate!"

"Well, he _did_," she whined, pouting. "I heard dad tell you."

"It is nice to know everyone is up to date on my affairs," Light said coolly.

"What was it like?" Sayu perked up, fixing her brother with an awed look.

"Sayu!!"

"You'll know when you're older," Light said ambiguously.

Sayu's eyes were round and and excited. "Tell me, tell me, I wanna know now!"

"_Sayu-_"

"Do you really want to know... or would you rather I help you with your math?"

The young girl considered the options very carefully, but in the end, duty won out. "Math," she mumbled disappointedly. She got over that quickly though, and next she was asking, "When is Misa-Misa coming by again? Maybe she'll tell me?"

"I don't think she will be coming until I am no longer grounded."

"Errrargh!" Sayu fumed. "Why did you have to go and make dad ground you? This sucks!"

"Sayu, do not question your father," Their mother chided. "He has his reasons."

L felt Yagami-san's eyes burning a hole in the side of his head. L looked up at him. He did not appreciate all the man's glaring. "Do you require something, Yagami-san? A cookie perhaps?" L picked up several cookies, all sticking together in a gooey caramel-coated mess, and shoved them towards the man.

The police chief cringed back from the sweets, caught off guard. "N-No, I'm fine, thank you."

L shrugged. He bought the cookies up to his own mouth and took a large bite, amused that Yagami-san looked so horror stricken. The man had no stomach for sweets. L chewed loudly and watched him turn a little green. "Tea?" he offered, stirring his own with a piece of rock candy. Green, and sickly yellow. Intriguing.

"Ah, no. I'm... I'll be right back," Yagami-san hurried from the room.

L felt a smile break out over his face. He tossed the cookies back on the plate and wiped his hands clean on the white cloth napkin beside it, and settled down to watch Light in peace.

He sipped the tea and winced at the rapidly dissolving rock candy overpowering it. He pulled it out and tossed it aside, and steeled himself to the sugar rush he was going to get from the unnaturally and overpoweringly sweetened drink. Light would be appalled.

Speaking of Light... L's dark eyes swept back to his quarry. The Yagami family was wrapping up dinner.

Light was excusing himself from the table.

"Hey," Sayu protested, "Why do I have to help with the dishes?!"

"Because I will be helping you later," Light replied. "It's only fair. I need time for my studies as well. I'm going to take a bath while you finish up."

"Okay," she muttered and started helping her mother clear the table.

Light proceeded up the stairs, his hand trailing the banister in what looked to L like a sensuous gesture. L stared after him like he was trying to burn everything to memory - his articulate hands, the curve of his jaw and neck, the tight spread of well-defined shoulders... the secretive dip of his head and the slight upturn of a suppressed smile.  
_  
Does he know?_

But how would he have found out we are watching him?

L leaned forward, scrutinizing the aristocratic features, but the boy's face was carefully blank once more. _Just enough to let me know you know, is that it?_

Light closed the bathroom door behind him and was now captured on a different camera. He then began to strip off his clothing at a slow and and infuriating pace. The corded, dark green sweater rose inch by inch to expose his flat stomach and lightly muscled torso and L found he was biting his thumb as he watched, willing the progress to hasten. At the same time, he felt sure Yagami-san would return any moment, and wondered how Light would possibly be this... sensual, when he couldn't know who else was watching.

Light's beautiful body stretched as the sweater was pulled over his head and dropped into the clothes bin. L bit his thumb harder as the sight of his bared skin and long limbs evoked a stirring in his body. His hands recalled the feel of shoulders under his nails. He recalled the unbearable eroticism of Light pressing against him, moaning in his ear with quickened breath as they spent their pleasure.

Light's hands moved to the fastener of his slacks. They toyed with the zipper, drawing it down slowly. Teasingly.

L's eyes were riveted to the spot. He licked his lips as the khaki cloth was pushed down lean hips. It felt so wrong to be able to see Light like this, unbeknown to the brunette. But it was also appealing. That he could stare and study as much as he liked, with no setbacks. Without the pitfalls that emerged when Light was aware of having the upper hand.

Though it was likely Light had the upper hand even now. And he knew it. Somehow he knew about the cameras. L swallowed as Light's hands trailed down his body, hooking in the waistband of his underwear, and pulling them down in the most tantalizing way possible.

L felt his skin flush as the garment was tossed aside and there was nothing more hiding Light from view. Light smiled to himself, as if merely in a good mood, but his eyes flicked to meet the camera, to penetrate L's stare with a flash of heat.

L felt desire wash through his body in a shameful sweep.

_He knew. He totally knew! But __**how**__?  
_  
Light moved into the shower itself, basking under the spray of heated water like it was a lover's caress._  
_  
L bit his lip as the view affected him to distraction. _Why do I want him so much?_

_Your hands... your mouth..._

_Damn you...  
_  
L barely managed to wrest his eyes from the monitor as the hotel room door clicked, heralding it's imminent admittance to the police chief. L tucked his legs closer to his body and shoved a handful of cookies into his mouth in desperation. Speaking was not a viable option at the moment. _  
_  
Long years of habit enabled him dull his eyes to their usual blankness. He hoped.

"I'm sorry about that, Ryuuzaki, I just seem to be having a delicate stomach these... days..."

Yagami-san trailed off as he watched L try to chew the contents of his overstuffed mouth. L guessed that maybe 3 or 4 cookies were in danger of falling slowly (there was rather a lot of caramel on them) from his mouth in a most embarrassing, and admittedly disgusting fashion.

L, unfortunately, smiled reflexively to curb the embarrassment and felt some cookies ooze down in caramelic suspension.

Yagami-san looked utterly horrified. Worse than that actually.

"I'm - I think I am actually done - for the evening," the police chief managed to get out in a faint voice before grabbing his stuff and making a hasty retreat.

L's head turned to follow him and he felt some of the mess land in his lap. _Damn you, Light. _He grimaced, and could not bear the thought of ingesting the massive sugar death he half held in his mouth. Even he had limits. But at least his accuser had fled. That was good for something. And if Yagami-san had noticed L's flushed face or that his son was currently in the shower, he'd given no indication.

L reached for the cloth napkin that lived beside his treat tray and relieved himself of the unsightly mouthful that was all Light's fault. Saccharine syrup lined his mouth even without the cookies. He looked at Light toweling off, and wished he could force it on the other boy - kiss him hard - and make him suffer the taste. L closed his eyes as that image streaked through him with intensity.

He licked his lips. How would Light deal with L then? If L were to take a more active role and force deep kisses on him like Light had done to him? Sugar coated - would Light resist him? Turn his head and evade?

L put a hand to his head as he kept imagining his response to every one of Light's. He rubbed his temples, trying to dispel the train of thought but without success. _...the brunette would avert his face and leave the long line of his neck wide open... vulnerable to lips and teeth... _

L shook his head. _Nowhere good. His thoughts were going nowhere good._

His body felt hot. Light was burning through to the core of him, wrapping around and within him so deeply he'd never break free. _Only you could twist my mind like this._

How could one boy so forcefully make him aware of the allure of passion and the pain of obsessive desire?

Now the only question was... What was he going to do about it?

L's thumb found his lower lip and pressed down distractedly. Was it worth the risk to find out if Light had been serious in his claims? Or would it be unforgivably reckless to believe for even a moment that the brunette was not acting with the ultimate intent of extinguishing him?

L begrudgingly allowed himself the screen. Though he desperately hoped the brunette had concluded his scandalous behavior before his warped brain convinced him to give into doing something unspeakable, under the faulty argument that he was alone and no one would know.

Light wrapped the towel around his waist and exited the bathroom. It was a short distance to his own room, a mere few feet, but L was aware of every infinitesimal movement it took to get him there.

Light went to his dresser and found a white T-shirt to pull over his beautiful torso. Another moment of rummaging and he had in hand a pair of slate grey boxers and a pair of muted blue plaid cotton pants. They fit him like a glove. Of course.

After dressing, Light padded down the stairs to retrieve his sister who was watching T.V.

L bit his thumb with a frown on his face. He was fascinated by this demure, thoughtful, and calm version of Light. He knew it was fake, but still, it drew him in. Light somehow managed to radiate the sort of wholesomeness that most people craved a taste of their entire lives. Peace, stability, affection. He affected all these things as easy as breathing. It was such a perversion of the truth. L had seen the darker side. The demanding, the terrifying, the sensual and the aggressive. And where was the evidence of that here? L's knowledge of reality transposed with what he saw, and the contrast engaged and intrigued him more than he would have thought possible.

Who would've thought this caring older brother who was patiently tutoring his sister could be one and the same as a deviant who forced intimacy on people he did not consider friends? Who would think that sweetly smiling mouth could deliver such hot, punishing kisses? That those mild amber eyes could burn with such wicked intensity?

Oh damn. L had almost managed to calm the restless desire with submersion into the puzzle of Light's personas and inner workings. But the desire was persistent.

L let his head fall back and stared vacantly at the pristine white of the hotel ceiling. He analyzed the state of his body, the rushing heat, the pulling in his lower belly, and the crackling jumpiness that suffused his limbs. Yes, it was utterly foreign. How could Light have done this to him? How could the other boy subject him to lust?

And who jumps people in bathrooms anyway?

L flinched as his stomach tightened with a jolt of heat. What was he saying? He'd just had the urge to jump Light in his bathroom not 2 minutes ago. But that didn't mean he'd _jump _him, jump him. Just a kiss. Yes, just to punish him with the flavor of sweets. And if his hands stroked down bare hips while he did so, that meant nothing. If he pushed Light up against the wall, pinned him there, that meant nothing either. Kisses weren't limited to the chaste use of lips, were they.

What Light had done to him was different.

To practically break in, and then force intimacy on someone like he did...

L scowled as his desire intensified, becoming even more focused despite his efforts.

This had to stop.

Light had truly twisted him if the thought of somewhat non-consensual sex was affecting him in this way.

L rubbed his hands over his eyes. _What to do... How to proceed..._

Perhaps what he really needed was closure. He'd been pursuing Light's friendship for what felt like an excruciating amount of time, and not only did the other boy dismiss his overtures, he upped the ante by surging in for something much more awkward, embarrassing and intense.

He really had no idea where he stood anymore.

And he wasn't entirely sure if he wanted what Light was offering, sincere or not.

But he couldn't help wondering what would happen should another situation present itself. Was it merely a one time thing, or would Light press close again? L half wanted him to, and was half afraid he would. He didn't know the parameters of this game. What rules determined the victor? If Light was insincere, then it would be L's acquiescence. If, on the other hand, he _**was**_ _sincere_, then L would lose everything _by_ pushing him away.

Light's victory in the first instance would mean death; L's victory would be Light's death.

In the second instance... there was no clear-cut game or victory. It was a coming together or falling apart.

All in all it was a game of risks.

A game of chicken.

What were they willing to put on the line as they faced each other? Because this was just as potentially deadly for the both of them.

* * *

TBC

**A/N:** Thank you for reviewing. You have no idea how sad it is to spend hoooooours writing, then hear like nothing back after an update. When I hear from you guys I get all motivated and energized.

I had more feedback on this fic during this past week than like, for the whole thing, and you really told me what you thought! You told me what you liked and who you wanted to beat in the head. I loved it 3

**POLL:** Who gets more hate points? Light or Light's father?

(speak up if you have another person in mind) Those are the two i was hearing about, though plenty of you could also understand Light's father's actions as being those of a concerned parent. L got no hate, he was rabidly defended. But Light? Where's the love for our boy? Must he -XXX- L before he gets any props? (YES?)

**Note:** Neither L nor Light will die in the making of this fic. Nor will they be maimed, tortured...er... clears throat ok, not _physically_ tortured, but emotional torture, maybe. Anyhow, it will be an ending where they are _together _and _alive_ and all that, because that is the POINT, right? Can't have pornz without that.


	12. The Ties That Bind

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 12: The Ties That Bind)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

**A/N:** ff dot net has changed its formatting standards (AGAIN), thereby deleting my little section breaks. D: i'm very sorry for any annoyance or confusion this may have caused you. i should have known never to trust sites, and to ALWAYS double-check. _pfeh_. how tedious. (p.s. i am going back to edit the old chapters)

* * *

Chapter 12:

Light was getting bored.

The cameras restricted his actions as Kira, and the Investigation was refraining from any further action.

_Nothing was happening._

It had been weeks now. He went to school, he studied, he ate and drank, he breathed. It was annoyingly similar to what it had been like before - before he'd picked up the Death Note. Before he'd had power and diversions and an ideal to create in flesh and blood. Forging a perfect world through the bottom up, redefining the meaning of every living thing's existence, purging those who did not yield to his absolute law... he missed it. It gave him such purpose. A reason to get up in the morning. Something to strive for...

But right now he had nothing to look forward to but house arrest and a difficult to explain penchant for apples. Understandably, his mother was becoming worried that 3 or 4 apples went missing every day. He'd blame some of it on Sayu if he could, but his little sister hated apples. Historically, he wasn't too fond of them himself. He didn't dislike them, but he rarely sought them out.

_Damn Shinigami._ With his inability to act as Kira, everything about the death god seemed to irk him unbearably. A constant reminder of his inability to preform his _duty_.

And then there was L.

L must be trying to break him through an excessively dull and tedious existence. It was cruel! Light's father had even taken away his use of the internet, convinced that he would use it to contact L, despite Light's protests that he needed it for school.

Light was very nearly depressed.

Nothing but school and uselessness day in and day out.

If he could contact L so easily, it would be to kill him. _I could strangle you for doing this to me,_ he thought viciously.

He could see L's smug little smile in his head, and he hated it. And he hated that the rage he felt was not wholly directed at the detective. It was directed at himself as well. He _missed_ L.

At least while he was a part of the task force, he'd been able to feel alive, even if his hands were tied for being Kira then too. And what of L's admission that one night? Did he change his mind again and decide that Kira's work was without merit? That it was worth any means to capture him, even if he made Light go insane in the process?

He was angry at his father as well. For the confinement to the house was his idea, as were other restrictions. The bulk of them. No internet, no phone, no freedom, no investigation... no L.

Whereas L had only imposed the cameras. Nothing more or less than he'd always done. Was his anger at L misplaced then? Perhaps. Yet it remained. And his boredom and restlessness increased by the day. _If L is so great, he should either prove I'm Kira or get me out of this godforsaken situation._

_Do you hear me, L?_

_--  
_

"Come again?" Yagami-san said incredulously. He stared at the detective in open mouthed shock.

"I said I'm BORED, Yagami-san. Surely that is not too difficult a concept to grasp?"

"That was not the part I was referring to, Ryuuzaki."

L looked nonplussed as he worked his way through a large slab of Belgian chocolate cake. "What then?" he asked with his mouth full. He was starting to enjoy throwing the police chief off with little displays of uncouth behavior. It seemed the only way to secure an upper hand with the man, so if he had to be vulgar, so be it.

"You said you have put an end to the surveillance _because_ you were bored."

"Present tense, Yagami-san. I am still quite dreadfully bored."

"Are you saying you have cleared the suspects of -"

"Not at all. I'm simply bored, and see no need to continue such a tedious course when it is not producing the sort of results I was hoping for." Indeed, he was no closer to proving or disproving that Light was Kira, nor had he ascertained any further the nature of their new game. And there was the fact that he was almost going out of his mind with boredom. As was Light, if his near foaming at the mouth was any indication. He was slipping up a bit with his family as well, being rather sharp tongued, and not as smooth as was his usual. He also tended to glare a lot, and was less than secretive about it. Though he was holding up better than L would have under the same restrictions.

Plus, he was sick of the distance Yagami-san had imposed on them. That was his first reason for the surveillance. To put Yagami-san in his place, and to afford himself access to Light without enduring school. True, being able to watch Light had it's advantages, but watching him slowly go crazy being locked up in his own house was affecting L's state of mind as well.

"Ryuuzaki, you do realize how utterly ridiculous it is of you to insist on surveillance like you have only to cease because you don't _feel_ like doing it any longer? And not because you feel the suspects are innocent?"

L blinked apathetically at him. "I did not say I would quit the surveillance. I merely said the cameras were no longer of assistance. I plan to continue in a different fashion."

L leaned over and pressed an intercom button on the console next to his computer. "Watari, bring him in."

"Very well, sir."

"What're you..." the police chief said in confusion.

"Shhh, Yagami-san," L said with a poised fork. "All will become clear in time. For now, I must finish my cake."

5 minutes later, the hotel room door clicked and Watari came through, holding it for the person behind him. Oh, but it was an interesting sight.

"Ryuuzaki!" Yagami-san was beside himself. "Is that-!?"

"Light-kun, welcome," L said to the handcuffed and hooded figure of the younger Yagami. He was barefoot and dressed in the simple black cotton pants and long sleeved shirt that L had provided. His hands were cuffed behind his back and his head, hidden entirely by the hood, was bowed. His shoulders looked tight with rage as Watari bid him to kneel.

"I demand an explanation for this!" Yagami senior shouted at no one in particular. He glared at Watari, obviously expecting help from that quarter, but the older man would definately make no move to disobey L again so soon.

He stormed over to his son, and when Watari made no move to stop him, he whisked the hood from Light's head.

Yagami-san turned a funny shade of purple, and spluttered.

L felt a tiny smirk curl up one corner of his mouth. Light was both gagged and blindfolded. It was a good look for him.L got up and shuffled over to the small group and said seriously, "You understand why you are here, Light-kun? That you are still the prime suspect in this case?" There was a hesitation and a light nod. L could practically feel Light's mind working at full speed beneath all his simple yet efficient black bindings. The dark cloth accented his smooth and flawless complexion, and the whole scene had a rather pleasing quality to it. L could feel the thrum of exhilaration in the air. Their battle had begun, L had the upper hand, and Light was chaffing to turn this around.

L stroked a hand over the boy's silken hair, quite taken by the feeling of power this situation gave him. Light was beautiful in black.

"RYUUZAKI!" Yagami-san shouted, lunging for L.

_Oops. _L dodged, and threw all the imperiousness he had at his disposal into his tone. "YAGAMI-SAN."

The police chief paused, though likely not for long.

"You want explanations, and those you will have if you will afford me a moment. And I would advise you against taking physical action against me. I do not wish to hurt you, but I will protect myself." L paused. "If you cannot control yourself, you will be escorted out of the building."

Yagami-san struggled with himself, fists unclenching with effort. "I'm fine," he ground out.

Apparently the sight of his son bound and on his knees was more than the older man could bear. It was almost more than L could bear as well, for other reasons entirely.

L moved to stand by Light once more, playing the power card as long as possible, and re-placed his hand upon the luxurious light brown hair. He could feel Light tense just before his father snarled, "Don't touch him."

L met his eyes coolly. "I am merely offering comfort, Yagami-san. This is certainly an unusual situation, and I wouldn't want Yagami-kun to feel he was in imminent peril." The ultimate goal had nothing to do with the police chief, but L had had it with the constant suspicion and glares, and he would use this situation to that end as well. His hand stroked Light's hair softly. "Is this not how it is done, Yagami-san?" he asked the police chief. He mocked the man's assumption that he was completely socially inept and emotionless, and in turn, Yagami didn't have much room to stop him from getting away with a lot.

L's hand curved down the side of Light's face in a caress, "You understand why this is necessary?" Again, Light hesitated. Thinking of the response that would gain him the most.

"You could offer assurances just as easily by voice alone," Light's father said stiffly. "He may not be able to see, but he can still hear you."

"True enough, although I do not have a very comforting voice. I hardly think that would be effective." L stroked Light's cheek as if he were doing it absently. Light averted his head, which nearly put his face against L's thigh.

Yagami-san twitched, and said, "It isn't normal for boys to touch other boys like that! Especially not _you_."

L narrowed his eyes. "Forgive me for making an effort to act human, Yagami-san. I will try to remember the effort is not appreciated." The elder Yagami looked slightly admonished. "As such, I will cut to the chase," L said, making all inflection and cadence drop from his voice. Empty voice, empty eyes. "I am placing Light under direct surveillance. We have prepared a cell, where we will be keeping him indefinitely. Once inside, we will allow him his sight and speech."

Anger quailed under the weight of worry. Yagami-san was pleading as he shook his head in disbelief. "But that's- That's so cruel... And to what purpose? What will this tell you that the other surveillance did not?"

"Nothing."

Yagami-san gaped at him, and righteous anger began spilling back into his expression.

"Or not necessarily nothing," L amended. "Let me explain." He began to pace. "You see, if Light were in total confinement, we would eliminate those gaps left by his attending school, and his travels back and forth. The Kira killings have not ceased or even let up as of yet even with restricting Light to the degree we already had. Therefore, we must take away all opportunity for him to act as Kira in order to prove whether he **is** Kira. If the killings stop, we'll have our proof."

"And if they do not?" Yagami-san asked anxiously.

"Then we have nothing. And I will have to decide what to do at that point in time."

"Ryuuzaki... please. There must be another way. I know how hard even the last several weeks have been on Light..." Yagami-san looked aggrieved. "I want to prove Light's innocence more than anyone, but this is too much! He might not be able to withstand it."

"Humans are surprisingly resilient, Yagami-san," L said coldly. "And Light is no different."

"Watari," the police chief appealed, "Surely-"

"Yagami-SAN," L interrupted harshly. "You will not address Watari for anything further. He works for me, and I will not be undermined again. My decisions are absolute."

The wind had gone out of the black-haired man's sails. He stared desolately at his son.

L hauled Light to his feet. "It's time," he said. "We've lingered long enough." Light's teeth clenched tightly down on the gag, his whole body tense. He wasn't fighting, but he seemed to be fighting himself not to. L herded him towards the door.

"Ryuuzaki, Please! There must be another way!"

L paused in thought a moment then shook his head. "I'm sorry, Yagami-san. I cannot think of a way that would not put me in direct contact with your son." They had nearly passed through the doorway before Yagami-san called out, "Wait!"

"Yes?" L said impatiently.

"What else would you have in mind?"

L sighed in irritation. "Oh, I suppose I could handcuff him to me or something equally tedious, but-"

"Ok."

L shot him an incredulous look. "Ok? But you're the one who was so adamant about-"

"I know!" Yagami-san snapped, then the emotion flooded out of him, making him look defeated. "I just want what is best for my son. And I can't let some rule of mine make him suffer indefinitely."

L looked dubiously at the older man. "As you wish." He turned to Watari. "Keys?"

Watari produced the keys to the cuffs. L palmed them but took the time to remove Light's gag and blindfold before closing the ring of metal about his right hand.

"I completely and utterly despise you," Light croaked out as soon as he was able. He glared at L, but there was something lingering in that gaze that did not entirely match the anger.

L shrugged at him, unconcerned. In Light's position, he would be pissed at himself, too. But this could be cleared up in the conversation they'd be having later. "Yagami-san, I trust you could obtain a set of cuffs more suitable to this application," L said while holding their closely bound hands aloft. Normal cuffs would make any number of things difficult. Most noticeably, bathroom use. That far outweighed any of the interesting things the close proximity could afford.

"Y-yes, of course. I will make a call and we'll have them within the hour."

"Excellent. I think a length of at least 4 feet would be acceptable. Until then..." L turned to Light. "Would you care for a game of chess, Yagami-kun?"

--

It was hours later when they were finally alone for their little conversation.

Watari went down to the lounge to have a smoke and avoid the catfight he suspected was coming.

L knew it was coming, too. They sat at the small wooden dinette table that served as an eating area in the suite and stared each other down until Watari's steps had surely carried him out of ear shot.

Light went first.

He jumped up, slamming the table as he saw the self-satisfied smile that touched the corner of L's mouth. L couldn't help it. His plan had worked beautifully. Everything, just as he'd wanted it. It had almost been too easy. The only downside would be -

"I can't believe you were going to put me in solitary confinement!" Light yelled at him.

Yes, the only drawback is that Light didn't know...

Light grabbed L by the front of the shirt and shook him. "What did I do to deserve that? It's just amazing my father spoke up against it or - or - What the hell is wrong with you?"

L collapsed on the table in a fit of silent laughter. He couldn't talk, so he just shook his head. Light did righteous indignation like no other. But he'd definitely gotten it from his father. Oh, so sweet was the taste of victory. Yagami-san had had to eat his anger and plead with L to do the very thing L had wanted in the first place. Now that he and Light were cuffed together for the interim, they would resolve this, one way or another.

L was surprised from his bubble of mirth as he heard a growl and his chair, with him in it, toppled violently to the ground. "You hit me!" L said indignantly, rubbing his jaw with his free hand as he looked up at Light.

"And I'll do it again! You completely earned it." L leapt on top of him and cocked back a fist.

Imminent danger kept L from reacting to the brunette straddling his hips. Ok, so maybe he deserved a punch. One. He restrained the flight of Light's fist. Damn he was strong. "Aren't you concerned that I will think you are Kira since you are attacking me?"

Light laughed sharply. "You already think that! What's the difference?"

"Well, I am not _entirely_ certain," L conceded as he tried to still the steady advancement of Light's clenched hand. Light had a bit of an advantage in upper body strength.

"_'Not entirely'_... should we bother to count 5 percent?"

"2," L corrected through clenched teeth. He was about to lose - _damnit_. His hand was pinned.

Light's face hovered over his triumphantly. "I bet you got a real kick out of seeing me like that. Gagged. Bound. Didn't you?"

"Why would I?" L cursed as he felt his face flush slightly. The memory of that lovely image coupled with having the brunette practically on top of him was hard not to react to. He prayed the blush would be the most he'd have to worry about.

"Because you get off on power," Light said against his lips. "Just like I do."

That distracted L enough that Light had time to bring the chain across his throat. _Cold!_

"l could choke you right here," Light said engagingly.

"You _could_," L agreed, "but having a strangle victim attached to your arm might not do much for your reputation."

"Hmm." Light leaned down and drew his lips against L's. "You don't think it would be worth it?"

"Not for me." _Damn it, Light, don't kiss me when you're sitting right on my lap!_ Oh, this was sad. Hormones were winning out over fear of choking by chain. "Besides, remember who got you out of your house arrest."

"Are you saying you planned this?"

"In a manner of speaking."

Light reared back and started laughing, his shoulders heaved with it, and one of his hands came up to half cover his face. "You're a bastard."

"Thank you?"

"What if my father hadn't stopped you?" Light's golden eyes were staring deeply into his, challenging him, but his voice was not all that sharp.

"I suppose I would have been watching you constantly for days on end until I figured out a plausible reason to have you released?"

"Hn."

"Well, I would have felt bad about it!" L said defensively. "Now let me up."

"Why? You're obviously enjoying this position."

L scowled as his face turned red and he pushed the laughing brunette of of him. "Don't forget, if I find any proof that you are Kira, I will turn you in."

Light sighed. "You don't have to get so cranky." Light got to his feet and held out a hand. L considered batting it away, but thought better of it. He didn't want to fight, and stinging Light's pride was always a surefire way to do that.

Light stretched and said, "At least I won't be bored anymore."

"Though you might not be getting much sleep, being chained to me."

"Oh?" Light rounded on him with a sly smile.

"That - that was not what I meant!"

"If you say so." Light was moving toward him.

"I'm an insomniac!"

"Mmmn."

"Ligh -" Oh GOD, he'd missed the kissing, he thought hazily. His entire body flushed hot the moment he felt that gently probing tongue slide past his lips. His chest hurt and his knees felt weak, and he really, really hoped that he was right and this wouldn't end in a victory for Kira. But if it did, maybe it wouldn't be a total loss.

Cool fingertips crept under L's shirt and stroked the curve of his hip. Treacherous how readily his body was reacting to such simple things.

"Did you miss me, Ryuuzaki?" Light asked in a husky voice between kisses. "I missed _you_." Only the way he said it, it sounded like something much less innocent.

"Mm-" L managed to get out. Light seemed set on bending his mind to incoherence.

"I thought about you a lot..." Light whispered in his ear. "And I only thought of killing you once."

"Once is all it takes."

"Did you have fun watching me all these weeks, L?"

L blinked his eyes open. _Light never called him L..._ Honeyed eyes regarded him with intensity. Light's lips were curved in a sensual smirk.

"You do have quite the interesting bathroom rituals. Do you always do a striptease before you bathe or was that special just for me?"

Light chuckled. "That would be telling."

"You aren't acting very grateful to me for saving you from your father, Light-kun."

"Why can't you just call me Light?"

"Why did you call me L?"

"I know it's closer to your real name than Ryuuzaki. I refer to you as L in my head. I must've slipped."

L doubted it. Light almost never slipped up like that, and he certainly wouldn't have admitted as much. "Talk to me often, do you?"

Light gave him a sly smile. "You can't imagine."

L kept getting the feeling Light was dropping hints that he was Kira. But what that ultimately meant? He was still at a loss. And he was starting to become more aware of the way Light had him cornered against the wall, and a surge of insecurity was beginning to form like leaden ice in the pit of his stomach. He ducked under Light's arm, and the rattling of the chain reminded him that the distance he could get from the other boy was now severely limited. "I'm hungry," he said to cover, not looking at Light. "Let's go get something."

He tugged at the chain, which remained immobile until he met the other boy's amber gaze. There was precious little emotion on that face. It was almost as blank as one of L's. "Very well, if that's what you wish of me."

L felt like needles were stabbing in his back the entire time Light was behind him as he gathered his shoes and socks.

In fact, he felt them all the way down the hall, during the ride in the elevator, and throughout the trek to the restaurant. It was making his stomach churn. To make matters worse, Light was purposely trailing behind him, allowing the chain to extend for maximum visibility. The staring was becoming more and more difficult to deal with. L's strides stiffened as the random people contemplated the set of them: an attractive, preppy boy, and a dark, wild-haired insomniac. They'd probably never seen extended cuffs before either.

L stopped walking a moment and turned to Light. "Must you walk so far behind me? You're making this-" he rattled the cuff by holding up his wrist and shaking it a little "-so much more obvious."

Light looked at him, openly showing his displeasure with L on the whole. His face looked blank, but tight, but his eyes were glowing with something along the lines of anger or irritation. L couldn't quite place the magnitude of it, but it was highly unpleasant.

After Light made his point, his face changed, emotion flooding in and a fake smile brimming on his face. L had seen this plenty as he'd watched Light playacting with his family. Now it was being done vindictively and they both knew it. "Why, Ryuuzaki, I would never want to do anything to displease you..." L frowned at him. Even knowing it was a bald-faced lie, the performance was too expertly done. Light's eyes shone with a golden glow, accented by sincerity. It was the sort of face L had always wanted to see him make - but truthfully. He felt a little sick.

"I'm afraid handcuffs will be rather obvious in any case," Light continued apologetically. He stepped forward, bringing his faux expression forth for even closer inspection. L cringed. It was perfect. Flawless. An utter mockery. "Perhaps you should consider forgoing them in public, at the least."

"You know I cannot do that, Yagami-kun," L said evenly, trying to remain fixed and deadpan. The more Light smiled like that, the more L wanted away from him. This mood was something he'd not quite encountered with Light before and he did not know what to do with it.

"Very well, though you are the one bothered by the attention, not I," Light returned casually, a smug smile and challenging eyes filtering through the mask.

L clenched a fist until his nails dug into his palm.

Light had never gone so far as to call out the distinction in their social backgrounds. _Never._ All at once he was reminded of the multitude of admiring and lustful looks the other boy was clothed in every moment he was around people as he was at school. They swarmed around him like ants to honey, an effective barrier to anyone on the outskirts like L. They were an entourage to his royal highness, and he had no wish to try and access Light while he was holding court. He'd wanted him alone and real. He'd wanted pretenses to be unnecessary...

L spun on his heel and jerked the chain viciously, pulling a surprised Light off balance as he stalked towards the restaurant with clipped angry strides. He held the chain in his hand, and dragged the other boy along like he was a reluctant pet. The stares intensified, but L didn't care. He also wasn't hungry any more and wanted to be away from everything and everyone, especially Light. But as he'd realized before, there would be no escaping.

He did not relish a simple retreat to the room, because then he might have to _talk_ and that was the last thing he felt like doing at the moment. It was likely that Light would go so far as to taunt him again, and L knew he'd have issue holding back from a real fight. He hated, HATED when Light got smug and condescending like this. He tried to quell the surge of violence he felt. Dismayed anger. _God, he couldn't even get pissed off properly._

Much easier would be the awkward silence they were bound to endure at the restaurant. At least L could get some coffee or something to soothe the jumpy irritation and feelings of inadequacy Light had been able to instill with so little effort.

--

"You're in a bad mood," Light questioned carefully.

L ignored him in favor of sweetening the third cup of coffee he'd made Light sit through. When he'd finished, he dumped in the fresh creamer and asked flatly, "What makes you say that, Yagami-kun?"

It was too obvious for Light to bother with, so he said instead, "I thought you were hungry?"

"I'd changed my mind. Would it make you feel better if I ate?" L asked drolly.

Light crossed his arms, pursed his lips and said nothing.

When the waitress came by again, Light caught her eye and ordered something, speaking low enough that L couldn't quite hear him. L watched him through his lashes, and wondered why Light was acting more reserved than usual. Even his seemingly mandatory flirtation with the waitress was subdued.

They had passed several minutes of empty silence.

"This is going to be a long imprisonment," Light said under his breath.

L gave him a pallid glare. "More so for me, I assure you. It would have been so much easier to keep you in a cell instead of compromising my own freedom."

"And yet you didn't. May I have the reason, if it galls you so much to withstand my presence?"

L frowned and stared vacantly at his half poised cup. What could he say to that? _'I may sort of have a thing for you, but sometimes you act like a real asshole?' _"It seemed a good idea at the time."

"What changed?"

L was saved from answering by the return of the waitress. She placed a glass tumbler full of amber liquid in front of Light, the ice clinked against its sides. If L had to guess, he would say it was whiskey. When the waitress left, Light took a sip and L said annoyingly, "Are you even old enough to be drinking that?"

The glare that Light leveled at him as the glass came back down was a good one.

L shrugged, secretly pleased he was able to get under Light's skin. "I'm just saying, Your father won't be very happy if he discovers his precious, infallible, and impressionable son is drinking - and I'm not taking the fall for anything this time."

"I told you, I had no choice in what I told him that time."

_So blasé about saying I practically had you against your will... And your father has been a royal pain in the ass for me to deal with since then._ "There's always a choice."

Light rested his head on his hand and met L's eyes without pretense. "I'm sorry."

L blinked, feeling on guard. "For what, exactly?"

"A number of things. But right now, for making you endure my father which I'm sure was unpleasant at best. Especially since he was blaming you for something I did."

L frowned and stirred the coffee in his cup slowly. He had never expected an apology, and he wasn't quite sure what to do with it.

"And," Light continued, "I realize how difficult it would have been to have that thrown in your face when you were against it to begin with. Especially when it was your first experience."

Bad time for a sip of coffee.

L choked and started coughing. _What the hell was he doing saying all of that here?? _Though Light wasn't being patronizing at the moment, it was just not something that was easy to hear. "Who says it was my only experience?" L was not fond of the turn this was taking. It was way too personal.

"You pretty much told me before. I asked if you were always in such a bad mood after sex, and you said, 'I wouldn't know' in a rather nasty fashion as you threatened me with your shoe."

L put a hand over his face and slouched deeper into the booth. He'd forgotten he'd said that.

Light sipped at his drink. "So, it takes embarrassment for you to talk to me again?"

"I've been talking to you this whole time."

"You've responded, but you have been closed off the entire time, until now."

_Oh, you know me SO well, do you? _"Can we not talk about this here?"

"If not here, then where? You'll simply avoid the issue if given the chance."

"And what all-encompassing issue might that be?" L said testily. He did not like this shift at all. They were falling back to their old patterns and L did not like feeling hounded. He was also still upset with Light, and Light was trying to brush everything aside. And it was hard not to let him.

Light was locked onto him like a predator on its prey. "That I want you, and you want me, and yet you seem to revel in making things difficult."

L's face flushed. Talk about being forward. "I told you we are _not_ discussing this here."

"Why did you brush me off earlier?" Light's jaw was set. It looked like it was difficult to even voice the question. Which it probably was, due to his pride. I was amazing that his pride even permitted him to hint at the source of his discontent, much less come out and say it so matter-of-factly.

"I don't trust you." L decided to be equally honest.

"That didn't stop you last time."

"I had no options last time."

Light scoffed. "And you have them now?"

"As far as I am aware, yes."

"Why don't you trust me?"

How did Light manage to sound sincere and vaguely hurt? It wasn't so hard to see the well-defined basis of L's mistrust. "You aren't a very trustworthy person."

"I've always been honest with you."

It was L's turn to scoff. "It does appear that way, and yet why should I believe that I alone am above your deceptions?"

"You're different."

"So you've said. But you must realize how insubstantial that is against all the evidence I have of your lies and manipulations."

Light made a noise of irritation, and downed the last of his drink. "You are not making this easy."

"Why should I? Everyone else lets you get away with far too much."

"I'm sorry about the wait," the waitress said, coasting up to the table with a heavy tray. She sat her burden on the edge and unloaded a small, iron sukiyaki pot and placed it upon it an electric heater that would keep the dish warm for some time. She also placed a dish of white rice before both of them and laid a pair of chopsticks with tiny ceramic chopstick rests beside that.

L gave Light an inquiring look which Light chose to not notice. Obviously the brunette had decided to feed the both of them.

The waitress filled L's coffee cup, and placed a new tumbler of Light's chosen drink before him. He thanked her and she was on her way with a smile.

"Feeling hungry, Yagami-kun?" L said, making no move towards the food. Although it was a lie before when he'd said he was hungry back in the room, smelling the dish in front of him was making him feel quite famished.

"Not particularly," he said and sipped his drink.

"This is an awful lot of food for two people who do not care to eat."

"Indeed."

The pot burbled happily. The simmering strips of beef and vegetables smelled fantastic. "I did say I was not hungry, if you'll recall."

"I also recall food being the reason for our trip here."

"Coffee will suffice."

"I suppose being hungry really was just an excuse then," Light said loftily, swirling the ice and liquor in his glass with a practiced motion. "It's a shame really." He picked up the chopsticks with his other hand and plucked a lean piece of succulent beef from the savory broth. "You're dishonest enough for the both of us."

L watched him eat the piece of meat and realized his thoughts were tangled on both food and desire.

It was difficult to hold onto anger and indignation while Light was in a teasing mood, engaging him on levels that required an abandonment of insecurities and other inconsequential feelings. No, he never really doubted their connection when Light was focused on him... it was only when he looked away. Or when L was given too much time to think. Or, when Light was deciding to be ornery.

"Stop thinking so much and eat," Light commanded. L was galled that his hand twitched towards his chopsticks in response.

Light plucked another piece of beef from the pot, allowed it to cool, and leaned over the table to bring it to L's lips. "I won't let you drag me out here again when your obstinance fades and hunger is clawing at your belly."

L gave Light a baleful look and accepted the food. Speaking of obstinance, he knew the brunette would sit there all night waiting for him to comply.

"Is there any reason you left me the use of my primary hand while you cuffed yours?" Light asked, watching his face with a vaguely pleased expression.

L chose a piece of daikon from the pot. "I was trying to be accommodating, I suppose. I am nearly ambidextrous myself." Indeed, he was using his left hand so that he wasn't flashing their handcuffs to the world. Light was mostly doing the same.

"So thoughtful, L, and no one would even suspect you of it."

"Yes, their perceptions of me are rather skewed. I've been wondering lately if I should try harder to meet their expectations."

"Why bother? They are unimportant." Light smiled then. "Besides, I find it intriguing that the staid detective L has a heart."

"Just as I find it interesting to discover your lack of one, despite appearances." L winced to himself. Light would likely blow up at that. But it was hard not to make digs when Light was throwing them out first.

Light merely smiled serenely. "If you watched me nearly as closely as you've let on, you should know when I am being sincere and when I am not. Perhaps it is your own fears that cloud your sight?"

"Perhaps. Though I do find it prudent to heed one's paranoia over death when such is a likely result of any mistakes made."

"At least it is not boring."

"No. Never that," L agreed.

--

Light had finally regained his equilibrium after being put off by L's lame excuse of being hungry. He'd been thoroughly displeased - L had been reacting to him in the most delightful ways, and yet he still had a mind to end things abruptly. Light would have thought that being handcuffed together would have made this ridiculously easy, but it merely presented problems of a different sort.

L was wary. More than usual. And that made it difficult to get close.

Especially when he was angry.

Light knew the comment that had gotten to him... and he could admit it was a poor choice, even though he'd been annoyed at L at the time. But slowly, he had worn down the walls that L had thrown up, worked his way in past the frigid exterior and through to the L that couldn't help but react to him. It had taken some doing, but he was now quite convinced that he would have another opportunity with the dark-haired detective if he only bided his time.

In some ways it was amazing they had gotten this far. It was true that they connected unbelievably well, but they were both possessed of a substantial amount of pride and a suspicious, bordering on paranoid, nature. In order to get close, they both had to make concessions.

Light tried to give up his secretiveness, to the fullest extent he could without getting instantly incarcerated, and L tried to find it in himself to believe him.

It was like negotiating while in free fall.

The merest change in atmosphere could change the balance and tip the outcome.

Tonight.

Tonight he would try again.

That L had gone so far as to have them be handcuffed together meant something. For L rarely did things he didn't want to do, and he always thought things through down to the tiniest detail. He must have known the sorts of situations that might arise. But it would be up to Light to initiate, and in such a manner that L could find it acceptable. L was still shy and still struggling with the ethics of it all.

Light was beyond simple ethics. He knew what he wanted.

L, despite being an adversary, was the most suitable match for him.

* * *

TBC

**A/N: **( ((porn cometh soon, hard and fast.)) )

patience is rewarded. possibly by next chapter. weehee.


	13. Caged, Bound and Broken

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 13: Caged, Bound and Broken)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

**A/N:** It is a SUPER long chapter this time. If I split it where I was going to, you all may have murdered me. (teh pr0n is dedicated to SarinMorphine. she knows why.)

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 13:

"Er... I'm not really sure how we should go about this," L said as he scritched his head.

"What's the problem?"

"Well, the chain doesn't..."

"You're lucky they gave you 5 feet instead of 4, or else going to the bathroom would be ridiculously unpleasant."

"Yes, I am quite grateful for that," L said grudgingly, "but that still doesn't..."

"Look, Ryuuzaki. I want a shower. I always take a shower before I sleep. It's nothing you haven't seen before, so either uncuff me and wait outside or stop making a big deal out of this."

"What, I don't get a third option?" L said sarcastically. He knew he couldn't leave Light uncuffed at any time, mostly because it would debunk the validity of the whole thing. But he might have problems if Light upheld any of his previous manners of undressing.

Light crossed his arms over his chest and lounged against the wall. "Well, I'd propose we shower together, but somehow I didn't think you'd go for that."

"Of course not."

"Because you're scared," Light added with amusement. The alcohol had put him in a playful mood and he was enjoying tormenting L.

"I am not," L said with annoyance.

"But you aren't scared because you think I'm Kira," Light said, moving to stand before him. "You're just scared of what you want me to do to you."

L looked up from his seat on the toilet lid with a blank face and rolled his eyes. "God. Conceited much?"

Light pushed a leg between L's thighs and hovered over him. "Is it conceited if we know that it's true?" L's eyes flickered, but he was shielding well.

"Your arrogance knows no bounds," L scoffed.

"If you are so unaffected, why should it matter if you remain here while I bathe?"

"It isn't proper," L said too quickly.

"Yet it's ok to watch if there is a screen and distance between us? I know you were watching me without reserve on the cameras."

The slightest color stained L's cheeks. "It was my job," he said predictably.

"Then isn't it your job to watch me now, instead of offering up all these weak excuses?"

"What are you getting at?" L said with impatience. "Surely you have a point."

Light sank down until they were eye to eye, their faces inches apart. "I'm saying that your reluctance isn't about not trusting me, it's that you don't trust _yourself_."

"Your ego also knows no bounds," L responded drolly, but there was something in his eyes he wasn't quite able to mask.

"Hmm? Then I guess you can't protest _this_ since you're so impenetrable," Light leaned into L and laid the words across his lips. The detective's lids fluttered and lowered. Light kissed his soft lips gently, taking a slow taste of his mouth and watching his expression as he did so. The leisurely pace was torturing him almost as much as it was affecting L. Kisses like these were hard to do, they required so much restraint, but they were so good when done right.

"Stop," the dark-haired boy said in a roughed voice, "this isn't going anywhere."

"It will if you let it."

L looked uncertain. He was wavering. "I-"

A series of raps sounded against the door, making them both jump. "Sir, are you alright in there? It's been a while and I have not heard the water..."

"All is well, Watari, thank you." L pushed Light back. He got up and went to the door, opening it. "We were merely caught up in logistics. Do you have the key? There is no way to work a shirt off without removing one."

"Of course, sir." Watari wandered off to retrieve the hidden key.

"Are you really that worried I'll try to kill you, take the key and make my escape?" Light asked, affecting a wounded tone.

"Should I be?" L challenged.

Light scoffed and didn't bother with a formal reply. As if he'd want to run from the law forever. Besides that, this situation afforded him an opportunity to get something he wanted, and he wouldn't waste it in such a stupid fashion.

Watari returned, and unlatched Light's cuff so he could remove his - well actually it wasn't his, he wasn't quite sure where the black long sleeved shirt had come from. He cast a surreptitious glance at L and confirmed that the dark eyes were on him. Excellent. "Watari, you may as well do Ryuuzaki's, he will be showering after me."

Watari looked at L. L shrugged and held out his wrist. Once free, he fought his way out of his white shirt and held his arm out again to be recuffed. He looked markedly uncomfortable about the partial nudity. "Thank you Watari. We'll try and work out a better system after tonight."

"Will you be needing me again, or...?"

"For the sake of saving you this tedium, no. I think we can forgo shirts for the remainder of the evening. If that is all right with you, Light -kun?"

"I'll manage."

"Goodnight then, sirs."

"Good night, Watari."

---

Back in the bathroom, L fixed Light with a suspicious look. "What are you planning? You've been looking shifty for a while now."

The brunette smiled innocently. "How harsh, Ryuuzaki. Must you always be so suspicious of me?"

"I never said I was taking a shower after you."

"Hmn, but you did not contradict me, either."

L crossed his arms over his chest. He really did not enjoy feeling so exposed. It was only a shirt, but he was used to _wearing_ them when around others. Light seemed to suffer no such qualms, however. _Typical._ "It didn't seem worth the trouble."

"Oh well, that's good," Light said as he started the shower running.

L found himself staring at the long lines of Light's back as he bent to his task. He frowned. He was putting up a good front, but Light's effect on him was no less than usual. "And why is that?" he asked distractedly as Light began to remove his pants. It was much more... scandalous to watch someone undress right before your eyes than through a grey surveillance camera.

"Because it would have been quite unfortunate for you to have to sleep in a wet shirt." Light stood suddenly and jerked the chain, forcing L to stumble forward. Hand over confident hand, he began reeling it in.

L planted his feet, his heart missing several beats in surprise "Oh, no, you're not." It was a game, surely. Another test. For Light seemed to delight in throwing him curves and watching him flounder. But the look in those amber eyes... they were bled of true amusement, they were filled with... anticipation?

"I have superior upper-body strength," Light reminded him with a self-satisfied look as L's feet slid forward. "As was evidenced earlier."

L swallowed. Earlier. Kissing. Contact. Loss of brain functionality, and a complete abandonment of sense. L's heart was racing faster and faster with every inch of lost ground. The bottoms of his jeans were half curled under his feet, and they were making it hard for him to get any traction. He couldn't quite look away from the burning gold of the other boy's eyes even though they were speeding his loss.

"I'm not used to fighting out of a tipped-over chair - you had an advantage," L said through gritted teeth, trying to resist insanity, trying to concentrate on the harsh bite of the chain wound around his palm. Light's face was becoming harder and harder to look away from, and his smile was hiking up notch by notch into a serious smirk. His eyes were hooded and focused. If intensity alone could strip clothes from one's body, L had no doubt that right now he'd be naked as the day he was born. As naked as Light was, actually.

_Wait, no, don't LOOK! _He snapped his eyes back to a safer location, but it was too late. He was flushing and he was caught. And here he'd thought Light couldn't look any more smug.

"Go on," Light said engagingly, "try and deny that."

"Do you work out, Light-kun?" L tried for deflection. Three feet. Two. "You are amazingly fit for an intellectual."

"I could say the same about you. Although you are not as strong as I am, and your body has it's work cut out for it with all the sweets you pummel it with."

_Body... Pummel._.. _Oh, my brain is failing me._ L gave up and closed the last few inches of his own accord, surging forward into Light's lips as repressed desire overtook his last shreds of cold logic.

Light's mouth was hot against his own and not lacking for passion.

Graceful fingers twisted in his hair as Light pulled him closer, their bodies brushing heavily as momentum carried them into the shower and against the tiled wall. Light made a small noise as his back touched the cold ceramic surface - and it shot through L like molten fire. Light, ever the aggressor, was caught in a less than advantageous position, forced to endure both the the discomfort of the chill at his back, and the more or less dominant role L was in as the initiator.

However, the tenseness that remained, the crackle of electricity, told L that everything was temporary.

Submissiveness was merely a handy shroud to veil Light's true movements, leading L deeper into this until he couldn't escape.

Obvious, and yet, the feel of flesh against flesh, and the sound of half-swallowed gasps were more insidious than any drug. L couldn't even quantify his surroundings; they were falling back and all he could see was Light's eyes glowing at him from beneath lowered lids and sweeping bangs. All he could feel was the smirk against his lips and the long line of body he just couldn't get close enough to.

He hardly noticed the water raining down on them. He only became aware of it as the mist began to dampen his hair and weigh it down into wet jags that brushed his shoulders.

Light's arms wound around his waist, making him shiver as they pulled him even closer, and the pressure building between them was obvious in more than just their shortened breaths.

"You- have something for- bathrooms, Ryuuzaki?"

"Shut up. You- started it. _Both_ times."

L shuddered as Light's hands brushed the skin above his jeans and caressed the slight protrusion of his hipbones.

"You're- overdressed, Ryuu," Light said against his ear in a rough voice. L's eyes closed as the sound of that voice slid through him and coiled tightly in his belly. His head tipped down he traced its rippling effects, tingling down each limb, tweaking synapses and racing on until they expired. What they left in their wake was indescribable, the most he could say is that it left him craving more. More frequency, more intensity. More of this feeling of being wrapped up and protected.

Light's shoulder and neck were warm against his cheek and smelled better than scent alone was dragging him deeper into the mindless cloud of euphoria that was currently hazing over his perceptions. He could almost taste it on his tongue. Wanted to. He turned his face into the arch of Light's neck, opened his mouth to it. He sucked on the exquisite flesh like it were a piece of candy resting on his tongue, harder, harder until Light's body shuddered against his, hands clenching convulsively at his back, and a hitched breath graced his ears.

A hand sliding over the curve of his bare backside alerted him to Light's rather industrious removal of his remaining garments.

"Kiss me," Light said demandingly, dragging L's mouth back to his. "Touch me." The brunette's hands skimmed down his back, across his hips and down to grasp his hardening flesh. L gasped at the electric feel of it, digging his fingers into Light where they lay. However foggy his mind may have been before, it was now doubly so and now he was almost painfully aware of the precipice they were lingering on.

L's hands spasmed and moved shakily lower, seeking Light's desire. Well, this was a fine time to feel anxious. But somehow it was more difficult to be the one to act as opposed to being acted upon. Light was watching him unabashedly, submissive only in that he wasn't _actively_ directing this encounter, though he certainly had it well orchestrated.

L was being put through his paces. For every step Light was ceding, he was paving the course which L would take. He was providing this reversal of his own accord, forcing L to take action, and refusing to let him back down.

L's face burned as his fingers brushed the other boy's arousal. Light had to know that his inexperience made this difficult for him. Shame crept up to redden his face further as he battled a fit of shyness, and the anxiety that he was going to be sub-par with any of this. He hid his face, sure in the knowledge that, red as a beet, he looked atrocious. Tentatively, he stroked heated flesh, quailing with embarrassment. His hands were still shaking and he couldn't make them stop. It didn't help that he was recalling some of his more recent fantasies which were much harder to act out in reality.

"Red is a good color for you, Ryuuzaki," Light said, breaking into his thoughts.

L froze, startled.

Light captured his chin and tilted his head up until their gazes met. "I never imagined I would ever get to see you make faces like that."

L averted his eyes. Light was teasing, not meanly, but... it was kind of hard to meet someone's eyes when you were holding their -

"Nghh," L moaned as Light reminded him with clever movements of his hand that he was holding L as well.

"I never would have expected you to be so shy, Ryuuzaki," Light said huskily. "You make me want to take advantage of you."

L flushed as Light touched him. This was as bad as last time; Light's hands were mastering undoing him with pitiful ease. "You've already taken advantage of me, if you'll recall." L's voice came out rather breathy for what he was intending.

"No," Light said, reversing their positions suddenly and pushing L up against the tiled wall. "As I recall, I have yet to take _full_ advantage of you."

L's eyes widened. How did he say stuff like that? He was so forward...

"I was being considerate of you last time," Light said, nuzzling his cheek. "I know you want it... and I wanted to force you to it. But you can be so difficult when you feel you've been compromised."

L's traitorous body was reacting so strongly to the drivel Light was spewing in honey-coated sweetness that it was just _wrong_. So wrong. Because what Light was saying was annoying him, too.

"Go on and fight me," Light said with veiled excitement, his eyes flashing gold. "I won't hold back."

Annoyed or no, having Light so close was overwhelming. Having him say such scandalous things... "What are you -" Distance. He needed some distance. And possibly also to have his head examined. Nothing in their dynamic had changed. Light still appeared to be mass murdering superstar Kira. Light still seemed to be able to bend people to his will with little effort. Light was still fostering this gnawing desire in him that may well be the cause of his swan song. He shouldn't be letting this happen.

"It turned me on when you were fighting me with such determination that night-" Light murmured in his ear as he began touching him again. "-and fighting yourself even more." L gasped at Light's words as they tangled with the pleasure of his hands. _Why was he so good at this? Who had he been practicing on?? _"I wanted to take you while denial was still riding you so hard. I have amazing self-control, do I not?"

L moaned as **his** control began seriously slipping.

"Touch me..." Light spoke in a hot whisper, "or I'll lay you out on the floor and drive into you until your eyes roll back."

Desire flared so intensely in L's belly, it was all he could do not to cry out.

"Unless that is what you truly wish of me?" Light said graciously, feathering L's cheek with a mockingly gentle kiss. "Deep down, beneath all your deceptions." Lips were like silk against his skin. Exquisite. Apologetic. Damning. "I'll dig inside of you to discover all it is that you really want, even if you are unaware of it yourself."

L's hand moved down Light's hip and lower still until his fingers slid around flesh that was so hard it didn't even seem real. He had to stop the flow of words. He had to stop Light from unraveling him. Light was already within him, digging up the edges of his being, challenging his sense of self, making him question his own motives and his logic. The brunette had already forced him from his set patterns and altered the way he thought, the way he acted.

"Mmm... Ryuu... zaki..." Light breathed in his ear. "Why must I desire you so badly?"

L mutely shook his head. He was sinking. Drowning.

Light's lips brushed his, requesting. It was a farce, a cordiality. Light never asked for anything he didn't think would be given freely, or could be taken by force. L pressed his lips together and averted his head. Testing. He couldn't help it. There was precious little he could do to rebuild his profile of the other boy, to determine his natural behaviors and thought processes. He needed anything he could get or he'd never figure out the true intent Light had for pursuing him like this.

As expected, one of Light's hands came up to pull his face back around, and offer it up to the forceful crush of lips and a soul devouring kiss.

L's knees started to buckle and his body tightened. Light swallowed the deep moan trying to free itself from his throat.

Hurtling. He felt like he was falling as the ache in his lower body intensified.

Unexpectedly, he felt Light stiffen against him and begin to shudder. Even the smallest of movements from his hand were echoed in the brunette, and his quiet gasps jolted through L with such intensity that he could no longer keep a hold of himself. He bit his lip as his pleasure crested. Light's hand on him was shaky as orgasm gripped him in its throes. _He's that affected?_ L wondered before his mind went blank.

L's eyes blinked open several minutes later and he found himself fighting streams of water as it fell from above and cascaded over his face. He squinted carefully and assessed his current position. He and Light had slumped to the floor of the shower in a tangle of limbs, and the shower that had been running all this time was becoming rather frigid. He found he didn't quite care enough to move yet. He felt tranquil, considering. Perhaps this was where the term post-coital bliss came from? This feeling of inner peace... Although it could just be the absence of ungodly sexual tension finally expelling itself.

L glanced down at Light who lay against him limply, and marveled at the beauty of his calm, relaxed features. His eyes were closed - his lashes casting dark crescents upon his smooth skin. He looked so young when he wasn't leering or glaring or plotting or being arrogant. L reached out and brushed a section of longer bangs off of his cheek. Like this, it was hard to think that Light could possibly be the type of person who could condemn anyone to death. It was exceedingly difficult to think that he could be Kira. Ruthless. Judgmental. Hypocritical.

"I sincerely hope you are not analyzing me," Light murmured without moving or lifting his head.

"Would I do that?" L responded just as quietly. It felt that Light also did not wish to break the air of repose that had formed around and between them.

"A dozen times over."

"Mm."

"Is it just me, or is this water getting unreasonably cold?"

"Just you."

Light finally cracked his eyes open. Free of malice and manipulation, they were just incredibly warm. Like honey in sunlight. They regarded him a moment, searching his face. "Ryuuzaki... I -" he stopped.

L knew better than to prompt him. They stared at each other a long moment before Light looked away. "It's nothing," he said and began extricating himself from L.

As Light stood, L noticed that the bound sensation he had been feeling chafing at his lower legs was actually a set of manacles made of the twisted wet denim of his thoroughly soaked jeans. He muttered under his breath. He'd completely forgotten he'd never taken them off. Earlier, Light had just unfastened them, and gotten them out of the way. This might be a difficult thing to explain to Watari. He began peeling the denim off from around his ankles.

"Just tell him the shower leaked. That is reasonable enough."

L looked up and took the hand Light offered him, pulling him to his feet. "It's suspicious any way you look at it. Especially with however long we've been in here, which ought to have been a while if we've dispensed of the hotel's hot water. EEah!" Light had taken that moment to push L fully under the cold spray. He started shivering immediately. He glared at Light, feeling betrayed. "T-That isn't v-very nice of you, L-Light-kun," he chattered.

"Shh. We still need to bathe, and it will only get colder if we wait." Light handed L the bottle of shampoo.

L pouted, and dispensed a liberal amount of it straight onto his water slicked head with a sigh. Light was right. The already cool water had dropped several degrees already. He did not relish the thought of having ice water running over his body, so he scrubbed his hair vigorously and as quickly as possible. He was going through the process of washing all of the shampoo out, which took a long time as his hair seemed to retain suds almost as well as it defied gravity, when he felt soapy hands coast over his skin. He jumped and almost got an eyeful of burning torment but clenched his eyes shut before the water could pour into them. "W-What are you doing?" Damn shampoo. He hated not being able to see.

"I'm washing you, obviously."

L stared at the blackness behind his lids. "Yes, I can see that, but _why_-" He was caught off guard by a quick press of lips against his.

"Must you always question everything?" Soapy hands resumed their gentle work.

"I believe that is my nature..." L wasn't inclined to argue too adamantly. It felt soothing, and while it was somehow not overtly sexual, it seemed incredibly intimate.

"I'm just helping us finish faster," Light said quietly. L could not see his face, so the nuances of his voice were all he had to go on, but Light sounded... subdued? "With how long you take on your hair alone, I figured you needed the extra help."

By the time L was soap free and he could see, Light had perfected a pleasantly bland expression that was most assuredly a mask. The brunette calmly rinsed the soap off his skin as he finished working the shampoo through his hair, and if the icy water bothered him, he gave no indication.

It was when he reached for the conditioner that L could no longer remain silent. He grabbed Light's wrist and stayed his hand. "Light, is that really necessary? You'll freeze if you stay under there much longer."

"Yes," he said as if it were a stupid question, "it is." He pulled his arm free and squeezed some of it into his hand. "You could stand to use some yourself every once in a while." He smoothed it into his damp hair.

"Hair products do nothing for me."

Light frowned at him. "See, that is just the sort of attitude I cannot comprehend. I mean, do you even try anything before assuming it doesn't work?"

L frowned back. "Typically, yes. I just don't have time for this sort of thing."

"I doubt the loss of two minutes per day would really set you back all that much."

"There is also the purchasing of such things, and the resources I would have to allocate to actually remembering to use them-" L broke off as conditioner-smeared hand snaked out and accosted his head. L sighed in defeat and grabbed for the bottle of conditioner. At least he'd put it on evenly. Who knows how his hair would react otherwise? "You are adamant about the strangest things."

Light smiled a little. "I don't need to hear that from someone who swears muffins, cookies and heavily sugared tea are part of a balanced meal."

"Muffins and cookies are perfectly healthy if you look at the ingredients that-"

"Please. You know well enough that it it is the sum of the parts and not the parts themselves that determine the quality of something. When combined, they chemically alter and you are not left with anything you began with. That is a 5 year old's argument."

"Funny, it works on a s-surprising number of p-people." _Goddamn it was cold._ "Are y-you done with the w-water y-yet?" He wanted to get dry and warm as soon as possible.

Light made way for him and by now the water was almost unbearably cold. L winced and tried not to cringe as the icy spray ran in life-stealing rivulets down his neck, back, and legs. His skin broke out in goosebumps and his shivering intensified. He rinsed the conditioner out about as much as he could stand then jumped out from under it, sidling around the spray in order to turn off the faucet.

L darted for a towel and started rubbing the water off of himself vigorously. That done, he wrapped the towel around his waist and grabbed another to wrap around his shaking shoulders. He hated being cold.

Light followed suit at a leisurely pace, choosing to dry his hair with the second towel. He looked at L and shook his head, moving over to drop his slightly damp towel on L's dripping hair. "You look pitiful," he said, not unkindly, taking the towel in both hands and rubbing at L's head to dry it.

"I'm n-not good with c-cold," L chattered.

Light slowed his drying in order to look around. "Only four towels?" He made a sound of disapproval. "I thought this hotel was supposed to be high end?"

"S-Sorry, your h-highness." Pitiful? And whose fault was that?

The brunette cuffed him lightly in the head. "You're always so cantankerous afterwards. We are going to have to work on that."

L fell silent as Light worked, pulling the towel more tightly about his shoulders to ward off the shivers. He's already thinking of future encounters? Was that a normal segue from 'you look pitiful'? But then, Light was no more 'normal' than he was.

Anticipated frequency of intimate situations... That debunked the one-time thing rationale. But it did not necessarily mean that Light wanted a real relationship. It could easily mean improved chance for Kira to get the jump on him, gain his trust, and then...

"Ryuuzaki."

"Yes?" L blinked.

"You are thinking at me so emphatically, I can feel it." Light tossed the water laden towel onto the counter. "Though it could also be that you are trying to stare a hole into my head, though I'm not sure what the purpose of that might be."

L opened his mouth to say honestly what was on his mind, but thought better of it. He was starting to learn the sorts of things he could and couldn't say around the other boy if he wanted things to remain amiable. In fact, he merely had to think about what he might say to Light, and his brain would supply a full enactment of Light's probable response, expressions and all. If he were to share his thoughts at this particular moment, it would end in Light flying off the handle because L didn't trust him...

"Never mind, don't tell me," Light interrupted. "Knowing you, it will be something exceedingly vexing, and I may be forced to throttle you."

"An apt assessment, L-Light-kun. I had j-just come t-to the same conclusion m-myself."

"It's nice to see we are on the same wavelength," Light muttered.

"Indeed."

"Oh well, at least it reduces the chances of bodily injury. Now, where can we find some clothing?"

---

L padded out of the bathroom, the shivering making his gait rather stilted. The chain clinked softly between them as they moved through the suite in the dark to the room L was using.

Clothes... he wasn't sure where Watari had found the black garments Light had arrived in, but he was sure Light would not care to revisit their like soon. The brunette would have to make do with L's borrowed clothes once more, but at least this time he didn't have to explain it to his father.

L went to the dresser and opened a few drawers until he found the one containing shirts, shorts, and pants suitable for sleeping attire. He more often than not slept in his day clothes, as it seemed pointless to change for a mere few hours of unconsciousness, but Watari kept such things available for him just in case. "Light-kun, we will have to forgo shirts due to the chain, but would you prefer shorts or pants...?"

"Light," Light said tiredly. "And do you not have something simple, like a pair of boxers for me to borrow?"

"Ahh..." L turned back to the dresser and began digging. After several minutes resurfaced with a pair of dark grey silk boxers. "Would these do?"

Light raised an eyebrow. "Should I even ask?"

L considered. "Probably not."

"Where did you come by those? Something tells me they aren't your usual."

"Most of the things I use are already in the closet. Watari keeps this other stuff around just in case."

Light crossed his arms over his chest. "I didn't know you and your elderly assistant had that sort of relationship."

L shuddered as he caught the implication. "No, they are not from Watari, though they were a gift. Now take them so I can get dressed. I'm still freezing."

Light took them but made no move to don them. L pulled a pair of plaid flannel pants from one of the drawers and put them on. He tossed the towels in a heap on the floor.

"From whom?"

L looked up. "From whom what?"

Light waved the silk shorts under L's nose.

"Oh. I thought I said you shouldn't ask?"

Light's eyes narrowed. L could feel the imperiousness gathering about him like a storm.

In favor of peace, L relented. "I've worked on cases with a lot of people. I seem to pick up fans from time to time."

"But they never see your face -"

L shrugged. "I'm told I have a sexy voice. I think they just don't get out much. Though it certainly makes working with them a bit awkward."

"Have you ever taken any of them up on anything?"

L paused. Perhaps now would be an ideal time... "Why, Light, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were jealous." Fast as lightning, but visible nonetheless, L caught a reaction.

"Preposterous."

"Hm? And here I was convinced you were going to ask me if I'd ever worn those..."

Light's eye twitched, but the element of surprise was gone, so that was as much as L was likely to get for now. Strange. Light really did seem to harbor feelings of that sort - although if he did, he wore jealousy in the same way he wore murderous rage.  
_  
_"I'm going to bed."

"What? It's still early."

"Compared to what?"

"Well, I usually go to sleep around 3 a.m."

Light sighed and shook his head. "I need 8 hours of sleep." He fixed L with a baleful look. "You really didn't think this through, did you?"

"Er... perhaps not this part of it, no."

Light pinched the bridge of his nose. "At the least, come to bed and you won't be cold anymore. That is worth something, is it not?"

L acquiesced and shuffled reluctantly to the bed. He climbed into place from the foot of the bed while Light folded back the heavy down comforter and the crisp white sheets and sat tucked against the headboard in his customary position. He bit at his thumb while he watched Light fuss with the bed. He was still cold.

"Ryuuzaki, when is the last time you slept in a bed?"

"Possibly a while."

"And sitting like you do doesn't count."

"In that case, I don't recall."

Light leaned over, pulling the sheets down, forcing L to move while he did so. "Get in."

L looked at the comfortable bed dubiously. It looked _too _comfortable. Maybe he wouldn't be able to sleep. Or what if he slept too well and never woke up again? It could happen. L glanced surreptitiously at the brunette. Light was losing patience.

L scuttled a little closer to the middle of the bed, and gingerly shimmied under the upheld bedclothes. How much sense did it make that sharing a bed with someone he just pretty much had sex with made him nervous? His head sunk into the pillow, but thankfully it stopped short of suffocating him. Feather pillows. Bah. It _was_ a bit warmer though. Light reached out and clicked the lamp on the bedside table off.

The darkness made L instantly more jittery. Light settled back into the bed. It was weird to be sleeping shirtless also. He wasn't used to feeling things brush his bare skin.

"Warmer now, Ryuuzaki?"

"A little," he admitted. The shaking had stopped and his skin no longer felt like it was trying to shrivel back into his body. All in all, an improvement.

L froze as he felt a shifting, and a long leg was thrown over his. An arm wrapped around his waist and almost immediately the heat of Light's body pressed against his side began to warm him.

_Too warm_.

A jolt speared through him. Light's legs were largely bare and having one hiked between his thighs was distracting. From there it was only a thin layer of flannel and an almost laughably thin layer of silk that made this position any less than compromising.

"Uh - Light?"

"Hm?"

"I don't know that I can sleep like this." His was starting to race. Light's bare chest was against his, his arm draped causally across L's stomach, and his face was nearly tucked against L's neck. Desire and panic crawled along his limbs. He shivered.

"See, you're still cold. So am I." Light shifted against him, his leg moving higher and his face brushing L's neck as he settled. "Surely you can tolerate this until we're sure we won't catch cold, or something equally inconvenient?"

What strange power did Light hold over him that made his body confident it could handle two or more romps in quick succession? What happened to the euphoric serenity of dispelled sexual tension? What the hell right did it have to start coming back already?? "Ah..." What complaint could he give that wouldn't be utterly obvious? There didn't seem to be one. "Yes. It's fine."

Tension was becoming a steady hum within him. He did not believe Light's innocent act for even a second.

"So reluctant, Ryuuzaki." Light nuzzled the column of his throat. "If you're not careful, you may hurt my feelings."

_Somehow, I doubt that._ "That would never be my intent," L said stiffly. Ye gods, this almost solicitousness was torture. He wished Light would stop and sleep, since he'd claimed to need so much of it. A fine tremor was working its way into him. Anything that happened here... would be much more than anything before. He wasn't sure how he knew, but it was an undeniable gut instinct. He wasn't ready for anything more. He could barely adjust to what had transpired thus far, but to actually... actually...

L jumped as Light's arm slid across his torso, and lazy fingers trailed to pet the curve of his hip.

_No, no, no._ L didn't think he could be _that_ close to anyone... So he thought, but the barest whimper slipped out as Light began nibbling languidly at his jaw. Even to his own ears, it sounded as if it could have been from upset or interest.

Light propped himself up on an elbow and gazed down at him. "You're shaking. Are you really that cold? Your skin feels warm..."

"I'm fine," L choked out.

"You don't seem fine."

"Please - I need some space."

"So it's that, is it?" Light sounded regretful, but he made no move from L's personal space. "You'll never get close to people if you don't move out of your comfort zone."

"Comfort zone?? I don't even know what one feels like any more!"

"Were you aware that you lash out when something makes you uncomfortable?"

L covered his face with his hand. He felt a burning and prickling in his eyes. This was too frustrating. Was he to never have any standing when around Light? Was he going to be calmly and coolly picked apart while he had a nervous breakdown? And now Light was noticing even rarely exhibited behavioral patterns? And being understanding? It was laughable.

Light pulled L's hand down from his face. "You'll scare people with a laugh like that," he said softly.

Everything about Light was so invasive. L had no shields. His emotions were getting worn raw. Any protections he had in place for self-preservation were casually brushed aside, or gently removed, just like this. Sex might just be his breaking point.

Light kissed him delicately on the lips and L felt the hot stripe of tears roll down his face. Didn't most people get to at least have a relationship before tackling the big issues?

---

"Stop it," L pleaded.

"Stop what?" Light's voice was silky in the dark shadows of the room. Ambient light glimmered off of his eyes.

"You know what!" L said hoarsely. "I can't..."

L felt small kisses rain upon his face. Apologetic. But not apologetic for what was done so far, but for what _would_ be done.

"You make me feel guilty when you're this upset..."

"Light, it's too much -" L tried to rally his brain, summon words, anything but laying here helplessly. Light's closeness fogged his thoughts until they weren't even recognizable as such. He wanted to buckle under the brunette's insistence but the stab of fear was too real to let him go peacefully. "You can't expect me to be ok with -"

A hand stroked his hair. "Shh," Light kissed him again, softly, as if he might break. It was somewhat comforting, yet made him want to flee at the same time. Light felt too focused for L to believe that he would be granted respite. The brunette was stalking and cornering him expertly. His self-doubt was clashing with his desperate need to be wanted and cared for. Light was playing to all his weaknesses. Was it out of genuine interest, or as a master tactician who was moving his pawns into a more pleasing and beneficial arrangement? Light or Kira? Or was it KiraLight? He'd already allowed the brunette to push this too far.

L decided to make a break for it. He twisted his body up and to the side, exerting the proper amount of torque to lever himself out from beneath the other boy. He felt long limbs slide away from his as he scrambled to the side of the bed. He had nearly gained the edge when the chain pulled back so sharply it nearly wrenched his arm from its socket.

On his back, with pain radiating through his shoulder, L found himself being pinned to the mattress. Light's hands were tight upon his wrists.

"You do realize there is nowhere you can go?"

"Hindsight is 20/20," L gasped out. His shoulder was on fire. If not dislocated, it was doing a fair impression of it. This whole handcuff thing was a horrible idea.

Light leaned down until L could feel breath on his lips, and the tightness of the lean, muscled thighs that bracketed him. "I feel you react to me. Why are you so against it?"

L tested the strength of Light's grip and found it unyielding."I don't trust you. I am not certain of your motives. And if I remember correctly, you have a girlfriend. Let me up." L tried to sound pissy. His self-control was wavering and it was scaring him.

"I told you that you can trust me. More than anyone."

"And if I don't, will you rip both my arms off?"

Light made a dismissive noise. "That was your own fault."

"Like hell it wa- _mff!_" Once again, the brunette took advantage of a minor opening. It was a harsh kiss - full of anger and frustration. And the slick, sinuous feeling of lust. L's heart seized. Was it always to be this way? They'd break each other apart trying to force things to go the way they each wished.

L pushed against Light, then pulled away in an attempt to free himself, but he was held mercilessly, force-fed desire through such rough channels until it was beating inside him like a second heartbeat.

When Light moved to lay flush against him, he cursed himself as his body shuddered and his hips canted upward.

L panted against the wild scrabbling in his chest. Even if he wanted it, this was going to end so badly. His mixed feelings were swirling sickly in his stomach.

"Please, Ryuuzaki," Light coaxed, his voice deep with desire. L's pants were being tugged down incrementally. "You're all I think about anymore. I'm sorry I hurt you. It wasn't intentional...."

The flow of words was swirling around L's head, making him complacent. When had Light gotten a hand free to work his clothes down? His belly tightened with a frisson of anticipatory pleasure as the flannel slid lower on his hips. "Girlfriend?" he managed to get out. Oh god, he wasn't going to be able to stop it this time. Light's skin was burning against his, and the brunette's hands had lost their calm self-possession as they fought to strip him bare.

"Misa is nothing," Light said, panting softly. "She was never anything more than a cover to get my father off my back." His lips latched to the side of L's neck as their now naked desire pressed between them with unbearable heat and urgency. Light groaned against L's neck, and the sound reverberated through the dark-haired detective like lightning.

"And how- am I to believe- **I** am any different?" Amazingly enough, he was still able to get words out. Barely. If nothing else, he was impressed with himself for that.

"You just _are_. You're nothing like them."

L shuddered violently as a lubricated hand grasped his arousal. "What- is that?" Tight, slick pressure slid around his aching flesh and it was nearly enough to render him incoherent. His back arched and his fists clenched in the starched sheets.

"Lotion," Light breathed. "Stop - trying to talk.... your voice really is sexy like that..." He bit L's ear, making him cry out.

"Where did you-"

"The bathroom counter."

Ah yes, how conveniently small and unobtrusive the hotel's provided grooming products were... "You planned this..." L's eyes clamped shut as he felt the sudden pressure of Light's other hand at his entrance. It was hard not to freak out just a little. Theory and practice were quite different things indeed.

L's breathing grew rougher as he tried to deal with the foreign and discomfiting feel of fingers stretching him. His mind was filtering back to him as he struggled against it. It was starting to ask him what in the hell he thought he was doing. What he was about to let happen.

"Ryuuzaki, you always get so far from me. Why is it I cannot do the same?"

That was the first real regret L had heard him voice. But lurking within it was also a sharp thread of something... anger? Self-deprecation?

"Even now, I feel you drifting. It makes me want to..." Light broke off his sentence with a frustrated growl.

L jumped as Light withdrew his fingers and hiked his hips into the air. The brunette pushed inside him with little warning, smashing through his flash of fear/shyness/anxiety/distrust, making him bite into his lip to stifle the cry that was wrenched from deep within his throat.

It hurt, and yet the unabashed intimacy of it was as sensual as it was wildly embarrassing. To feel your body struggle to accommodate someone else's.... To be pinned down and locked in, struggling against your panic and timidity while someone got as close and deep inside of you that they could... and there was not even an inch of space in which to turn away. There was no place to hide. Nowhere... and those golden eyes were on him, peeling him open.

"You make me want to brutalize you," Light said thickly as he rocked into him. "I want to get past your calm facade. I want to hear you scream."

It was almost too much to take. He was being ripped open at the core, and yet fingers of pleasure were stabbing deep inside of him. L threw an arm up over his face. Something, anything to shield himself. To hide whatever expression it was that Light was watching so intently. His other hand twisted a handful of sheet between desperate fingers. He was falling apart to Light's rhythm, Light's harsh breaths.

"Even still, you hide from me." Light pulled L's arm aside. "Let me see you... taste you..." Hasty lips found his and the sometimes pain he felt in his chest flared excruciatingly. He was pinioned between desire and despair and the agonizing thread of misguided hope.

L's body began shaking in the prelude of impending release as Light folded over him, his bangs damp against L's cheek.

The brunette varied the movement of his hips to include longer, slower strokes as his rhythm started to falter, making L anticipate the motions with involuntary upward thrusts against him. L suspected that his face was glowing red, but the pleasure he felt at the wickedly deeper penetration his contribution enabled made it easier to become blind to the shame that lapped at the fringes of his consciousness at his wanton behavior. Light was slipping so far into him that it felt like it was his very soul that was being brushed. His head fell back under the onslaught, Light's raw, passionate gasps in his ear driving him into meltdown. His spine bowed and his fingers grasped wildly until they found the anchor of flesh to dig into.

Light stifled what may have been the most erotic noise L had ever heard and fell shuddering on top of him.

To say that he saw the inside of oblivion in those moments would have been perhaps too poetic, but entirely accurate. L's mind ceased every living function and there was nothing but the blinding burst of light and the fading after-image that kept him company in the absence of everything he had ever known. For the first time ever, the whirring of his mind was stilled.

It was not a stretch to wonder if this was what death felt like.

_Darkness._

_Peace._

And the euphoric feeling - much like that first gasp of air when you have held your breath far too long. A cool balm to the burning, and a subdued yet strong pervasion of exhilaration.

_Mind-altering._

_Life-altering.  
_  
It was all of this.... Which made the flooding back to reality all the more fragile, for fear of the inevitable shattering of those precious thoughts and feelings.

Light lay draped over him, his breathing becoming deep and even. He had not moved from where he fell, except to turn his face into the pillow in the corner between L's shoulder and neck. Which meant he was still...

L assessed his sore body and flushed as he confirmed that the brunette was still seated inside of him. That wasn't typical, was it? Surely once the event had taken place you would withdraw, separate, and try to pretend that such scandalous things had never occurred? For what purpose would you stay like this? And above all, why would Light? L sought Light's face with wary eyes.

Light's amber gaze was already on him, watching him from beneath heavy lids. His expression was unreadable, though he did look both sated and fondly annoyed. "I want to stay like this," he answered L's unvoiced quandaries. "I am sure you would otherwise be dismissing everything before you even caught your breath. Don't argue the point, I can see it on your face. What must it be like in your head, I wonder?" Light reached up to touch L's face. "Passionate despite yourself, and desperate to erase all evidence of such. Why is emotional control so very vital to you?"

L frowned and said nothing. Laying in this nest of debauchery, he hardly felt equipped to argue the fine points of his personal philosophy.

He was so very surprised when Light tipped his face up and kissed him.

Such tenderness afterwards, instead of the triumphant manner he was expecting the other boy to adopt... He tensed with uncertainty. Was it proof of genuine caring, or merely a calculated emulation of such?

"Always so distrustful, Ryuuzaki. What must I do to prove myself to you?"

L shook his head slowly, not trusting himself to speak. For there was nothing that could truly prove or disprove Light's claims of sincerity or honesty. And right now, he felt weak to the display of candor Light was exhibiting. He wanted to believe in the words formed by his sensual lips and echoed in his beautiful eyes. He wanted to take the chance, and battle the odds that the brunette was acting against him just as easily and guiltlessly as he did against his own family.

"Ryuuzaki, you're different because I..." Light paused. "...like you."

L was startled. This was the answer to that oft-avoided debate? _"Why am I different?" "You just __**are**__." _He was also unimpressed. "It is less convincing with the pause, Yagami-san."

Light's eyes narrowed dangerously at the ridiculously formal address. "If I didn't realize that was your habit of distancing yourself, I would be extremely pissed off right now."

"You look pissed off to me."

Light propped himself up and grabbed L's hands, forcing them on their backs and deep into the feather pillow. A position of power to usurp L's resistance. "How would you expect me to react when you mock me for my honesty?" A position that reminded L of his splayed legs, the press of Light's hips, and the flush-inducing feel of joined flesh. Damn it. What he wouldn't give to be clothed and have a table or something between the two of them. Anything to put them on equal ground and remove the debilitating feel of this forced intimacy.

"Oh, I see how indifferent you _truly_ are, L," Light said. "You speak to me of truth and yet all that you offer me is lies. Your body is truer to your feelings than you think..." He whispered secretively in L's ear with dark intent. "Perhaps I should teach it to divine my sincerity for you."

L shuddered as that voice wound its way inside of him, threatening, gnawing, devouring. _This was going to happen again?_ He still hadn't exited the current emotional roller coaster. "Perhaps you should get off of me." Having to consider repeating this process in the future at Light's whim made him feel faint. But reservations aside, he couldn't deny his response to those sly, possessive words.

Light ignored him. "Reinforcement always has been a tried and proven method," he said, the avarice in his voice becoming lofty and calculating. "I could make you forget everything and anyone else. Wouldn't you like that?"

L's body spasmed brokenly around the punctuating snap of Light's hips. He choked on the sudden pain/pleasure/raw feeling, and the fortification of the flesh within him.

"I could bind you to me eventually. Through look, word, and deed."

"And kill me the second you deemed me an active threat to Kira." L struggled to bring things back to concepts he could handle. Known territory. He did not know what to think of this overbearing and possessive display Light was showing, but it disturbed him. It rattled him and also sparked that dying ember of hope in his chest that had been fluttering out. He half believed Light was being truthful, and knew how dangerous that would be for him in this game. He must not lose sight of the higher stakes. To fall prey to this....

"No, no, Ryuuzaki..." Light murmured with regret. He sought L's lips, causing L to stifle a noise at the sudden shift of their bodies. "So cold," Light said softly upon touching them. "You really believe that..." He looked deep into L's dark eyes. "If it were me, I would never erase you." His voice was soft, yet fierce. "I would rather keep you - the world would be so much dimmer without you... your brilliance."

"Would that it were you. I know nothing of Kira."

"Your profiling is excellent; I'm sure you know him better than anyone." Gold eyes bled into his. Always brimming with hidden thoughts, unvoiced double meanings, veiled and disguised emotions and intent. A myriad of things, all beautiful, all dangerous. All so unavoidably compelling.

"I've profiled you and judged you to be an incurable liar, which you denounce. How would you reconcile the two?" Brutal honesty. Perhaps the only card L had left to play that had the ability to give him the upper hand. He felt Light tense in disapproval. He prayed that this would all distract himself from the feel of the other boy inside of him, and the ache of his legs remaining splayed open so widely, and his inability to move. He couldn't quite bear the thought of the sight he must have made. If he could remain cool and self-possessed, it would soothe this wild embarrassment to tolerable levels. It would distance himself from the feelings he was suspecting he had for the other boy that were wrongly being encouraged by the brunette's attentions.

"I do admit my lack of truthfulness in most cases. What you have a hard time understanding is that I would choose to be real with you, when I do nothing but play roles for others."

Light was being open now. Amazing in its unlikelihood, but a fact nonetheless. "You're saying the reason for that... is that you like me."

"Yes." Light sounded emphatic but annoyed, likely taking offense at the detective's dubious tone.

"ME? When you are dating a model? Light, that is illogical."

"It isn't. I never cared for her. She can't... occupy me as fully as you can. You challenge me in all aspects, and I think I need that."

"Then why are you dating her?" L challenged.

"My father."

"Initially, perhaps, but your father has been openly accusing me of doing to you all the things you've just done to _me_. And for some time now. I do not think he is concerned about Misa in any capacity." _Yes, Light, if you are truly as enamored of me as you say, let us hear your excuse for remaining tied to someone else._

"There are other uses for cover than just his benefit."

L frowned. "That's cruel. I hear about how much she likes you." He didn't really care about this girl he'd never met, but this logical apathetic approach Light adopted while dealing with other people was part of what really bothered him and made him distrustful of the other boy. It set warning bells off in his mind, and reminded him of all the inconsistencies the brunette had ever displayed. It reminded him how foolhardy it would be to give someone like this your trust. And it made him want to press Light until he was given a more acceptable response.

"What would you have me do, Ryuuzaki? Perhaps it would be different if you were not being so difficult."

"If I were not being difficult, would you break it off with her?" L spoke carefully, inquisitive and deadpan. Testing.

Light blinked at him. "Are you actually admitting to being jealous?"

L frowned. "Of course not. But if you insist on pursuing me, I might be swayed to cooperate if you spared at least one other person's emotions." What in the hell was he saying? Was he proposing to encourage this irrational.... Oh, dear god.

Light smiled. "You actually are." He laughed. "You give yourself away too easily. I never even suspected you felt emotionally tied to me."

L cursed himself. His phrasing was wide open. "Think whatever you like. But consider that my offer. And do get off of me, I am not sleeping like this."

"I suppose we could go to the bathroom to clean up," Light smiled beatifically, secure in the knowledge that they both knew he was winning. "but then that looks a bit strange when we only just emerged from the shower a short time ago. What might Watari think?"

"Stop taunting me."

"Ryuuzaki, I'm hurt. How could you accuse me of such a thing?"

"Nothing could affect your thick skin but a hit to your pride." L lashed out with more of that honesty, hoping to maim or injure if only a little. "And you look entirely too smug to claim innocence. Get off of me before I'm forced to resort to violence." Unfortunately, the brunette had fast become immune to such attempts, and was easily taking it in stride.

A wider smile spread across Light's perfect face. He moved in and kissed L hard, dominating his mouth with crushing force and skill, until L was no longer able to keep still or entirely unresponsive against the heat of the onslaught. "Brute strength won you nothing but submission earlier," Light whispered triumphantly. "What exactly am I supposed to be intimidated by?"

"God, you are a bastard!" L aimed a decisive blow to Light's solar plexus, knocking him back with a pained gasp. How was it even possible for him to have developed feelings of any kind for this boy was beyond him. He was already regretting his proposition - made in the void of mental stability, apparently. He needed to just get out of this while he could. That was what anyone with a mind for self -preservation would have done. But he couldn't quite dismiss that Light may in fact be sincere, as unlikely as that was. Why was he so driven to know for sure?

"That was.. uncalled for..." Light wheezed. He let L move out from under him with no more resistance, however.

"Bite me," L threw back. He felt a mess. Perhaps Light had been right; sex apparently made him feel irritated. He pulled his flannel night pants back on and grimaced. Right. New pants after this. Disheveled, deflowered, sticky, and sore in more places than one.... Watari or no, he refused to be chained to a bed for umpteen hours looking and feeling like this.

"I'd love to," Light sneered.

"There is no need for to be supercilious. You had that coming."

"You certainly change your tune when you feel you have a modicum of control over things."

L ignored him. "I'm leaving the room now. It's your choice whether or not you wish to be covered before I drag you out of here."

Light shrugged, got up, and walked bare-ass naked to the door and out in the hall to the bathroom. L, feeling utterly scandalized, scurried after him and hoped Watari was deeply asleep by now. _Damn Light. Always had to have the last word, didn't he?_

* * *

TBC

**A/N:** YAY! It finally happened! deathnoteporning! Unfortunately, you may now have to wait a while between updates. I have nothing more written ahead.... This was going to be 2 chapters originally but when i split it where I was going to... it kind of killed the build up. (Unforgivable!)

I hope you'll find time to review!

As I find time to write and try to devise some brilliant plot progression and also figure out how everything will shake down by the end.... (homg). Misa is likely to be in the next chapter. In what capacity besides somewhat annoying? I am not yet sure. But you can bet your sweet booties that L is going to be having a ton of fun dealing with this new turning point he has had with Light. (sarcasm) and these "feelings" he has finally noticed himself having. We will likely see some jealous!L and smugandsexy!Light.

Ah... who said love was ever easy?


	14. Evil is Relative

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 14: Evil is Relative)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

A/N: Er... super late chapter... but the next one is half done. xD

Also... after starting to learn French, i realize '**brunette**' is the feminine form of the word, and for males with brown hair, it should preferably be '**brunet**'. Well.... it looks odd to me, and in the effort of remaining sane, and keeping with continuity, it will remain 'brunette'. I'm sorry if this offends anyone.

* * *

Chapter 14:

_"Nothing could affect your thick skin but a hit to your pride."_

Light mulled over those words of L's with a frown creasing his brow. They were flippant, exacting, and a blatant attempt to knock him down a peg in the midst of their exchange. There was nothing odd about their utterance. It was like clockwork, so expected was the chime of such a statement. What was odd, puzzling, and worth further contemplation was the depth to which those words had penetrated. That the disapproval underlying them resonated unduly within him.

Yes, perhaps he did have a rather... unconventional way of showing he cared.

But L was no better.

At least _he_ was accepting that feelings were involved, whereas the detective would shiv off such things for as long as he was allowed to.

Was it not natural that he would corner the dark-haired boy when that was the only option he was left with? L needed him to push things along, to overwhelm him past thought. Those deep black eyes, so watchful, so wary, locked on him with singular intensity. Only him. L spoke volumes through nothing more than a glance, and Light had to be able to pull apart every nuance and piece together the real state of things.

This was so frustrating.

He was doing everything right. L was in the palm of his hand, they were locked in this tight orbiting of each other, and nothing was _turning out_ right. He had steeled himself to the possibility of L being wildly uncooperative as he was forced to face his buried emotive side. He was prepared for the backlash at being the instigator. But he couldn't quite fathom the biting disappointment and anger that was echoing in him from L's hastily thrown out words and the other boy's quiet disapproval.

"Yes father, I do have several more tests coming up," Light affirmed disinterestedly. "Though I am not sure how we are to handle that with this current arrangement." Light lifted his ensnared wrist and allowed the cuff to jangle with subdued motion. This was, perhaps the very last thing he should have liked to deal with at the moment. He felt extremely tired and patience was becoming nothing but a concept to him. Having his father keep giving him that worried inquiring look was going to spill through the fog of thought and the detachment and make him act out of hand. "As my fate is not up to you or I, perhaps you should ask Ryuuzaki what his plans are for my future and whether I might be allowed to pass my classes or no."

Light caught the tensing of a white, cotton-clad shoulder from the periphery of his vision.

They had not yet spoken this morning and the cloud of silence hanging about them for hours had been thick, heavy and solemn.

L poked listlessly at a cookie on a plate laden with sweets. He'd had access to it for the last 20 minutes and had yet to eat a single morsel.

"Is having my son under your thumb as pleasing as you thought it would be, Ryuuzaki?" Yagami senior asked. "Would it put you out to terribly to allow him to complete his education?"

Light grimaced inwardly as L's poking ceased, his hand held motionless over the plate. His father really had a way with words. And L would most certainly not be in the mood for accusations of this kind, especially after last night. Not after having Light push him so very far...

L did not turn to face either of them but remained with his back turned. "What would you recommend, Yagami-san?"

His voice was quiet and empty when he responded. But not weak. No, there was a feeling of reserve in those words, like he was holding back and forcing only certain words to his lips. "Removing the handcuffs is out of the realm of possibility as it will compromise the investigation. I could accompany Light-kun to the school to take his tests despite this, but I do not think anyone would enjoy the attention and questions that would bring, nor the tarnish that would be cast upon your family name." L paused. "If Yagami-san would like to offer a suggestion, I would be more than happy to hear it. A solution not of my own devising would surely relieve me from the aspersions you are wont to cast upon my judgment, and I can focus on more important things than endlessly justifying myself to you."

Light was taken aback.

His father was taken aback, insulted, and angry.

Light covertly slipped a hand over his eyes and sunk down into his chair. This would be a 'conversation' best tuned out. L was set to be churlish and unmoving, and his father would be determined to put the 'young whelp' in his place. His father did have a tendency to be ageist.

Yes, best to ignore the cat-fight and pretend it had nothing to do with him, lest he be dragged into it as well. And with L being as he had been this whole morning, Light had a feeling he would not be immune to attacks from both quarters. His father would start being loudly protective, and it was only a matter of time until L started dispelling the misconceptions. Which would start more arguing, Light being forced to defend himself, and depending on how things progressed, being ranted at by one or both of them.

"Light?" Yagami senior said sternly.

Light blinked and looked up with resignation. "Yes?"

"What is your opinion on the matter?"

Damn. The drawback to not paying attention... "Does it matter what I think?" Ok, he could figure this out well enough from context... His father looked stern... L looked pinched and vengeful. The plate of sweets still untouched. And... no. He still had no idea. Best to just not agree to anything. "Can you not settle it amongst yourselves? Would that not be a more satisfying conclusion than trying to team up two against one?"

Two pairs of eyes locked onto him.

"Well, there you have it, Ryuuzaki." Yagami-san stated rather superiorly. "He obviously doesn't mind, or he would have objected."

L looked even more sour than before, and his burning black eyes bored into Light before dismissing him summarily. "If that is Light-kun's wish, very well." If L had seemed displeased earlier, that was nothing compared to now.

Light found himself frowning. His father was throwing him a conspiratorial look, and L was now ripping into a large cinnamon bun with vicious intent. Light actually felt his heart sink. So much for not getting involved. Spending the rest of the day with L like this would be trying and quite unpleasant. Not to mention, it had likely set them back all of the progress they had made.

What had they vicariously made him agree to?

---

Many hours later, they broke the session of research and investigation for the day.

Somewhere around 6pm, Matsuda bounded into the room, fresh and bright eyed from having not been under the pall of gloom as the rest of them had for the past small eternity. He targeted Light immediately and loudly expressed shock at the handcuffs which everyone else had kindly, and uncomfortably, ignored.

"Oh, Light! Wow, what is _this_?" He gaped and touched the chain, looking back and forth from Light to L. "This must make a few things a bit ... difficult, huh?" He blushed very faintly, and unaware of the attention riveted on him from every person in the room, he continued, "Using the bathroom...bathing..."

The air in the room grew more horror-stricken with each carelessly uttered word. "Changing...sleeping..." Matsuda blushed harder, fingering the chain in a way that made Light want to smack it out of his hands. "You sleep together, don't you?" he asked, to a resounding answering gasp.

"Matsuda!" Yagami-san said, appalled.

"I-I didn't m-mean..." Matsuda stammered, his face now bright red. "I meant in the same b-bed - not actually um... n-not s-_sleeping_ together... I mean, who _does_ that?" He laughed nervously and glanced at Light.

Light was aware of the storm building in the dark-haired detective chained to his arm, the mortified anger of his father, and the shock of the room in general. He gave Matsuda an unfriendly look.

"N-Not that anyone wouldn't **want** t-to... you know... with you, Light," Matsuda rushed to cover up what he thought was displeasing the brunette. "I mean, who _wouldn't_ want to... you're-"

"MATSUDA."

"Y-Yes, chief?"

Light's father managed a semblance of control. It was slipping though. "Get. Out."

"But-"

"NOW, MATSUDA."

Matsuda squeaked and darted out of the room faster than Light had ever seen him move before.

L stood up slowly.

Light looked to his face and it was a mask of porcelain. A dead face, but for the eyes. Livid. He was utterly livid.

"Does anyone have anything to add to that most pertinent of assessments?" L asked in his professional bored tone. He surveyed the room and ended on the police chief. "Since my concentration has been been unexpectedly dispelled for the evening, I suggest you speak up now, as I will not be hearing of this again." There was a collective silence and a few shaking of heads. "No? Then I wish you all a pleasant evening, and thank you for your hard work today."

L shoved his hands into his pockets and stalked out of the room, making Light scramble to hop out of his chair and bid the others a hasty goodnight.

Out in the hallway, L's pace did not lessen. "Ryuuzaki!" Light very much disliked being rushed.

"Ryuuzaki," he called out again, struggling to keep up, so as not to be jerked along by the chain, while still maintaining some semblance of dignity as he moved. He also hated being ignored. It was tempting, very tempting to simply jerk L back by the chain. But he didn't. He wouldn't. He did not wish to incite further rancor, and in fact his intentions were to calm the dark-haired boy down. _What was this? Guilt?_

It was the suggestion of intimacy between them that had really set L off, but his mood had been awful since last night. Since Light had forced him to own up to things. Guilt, perhaps. But more accurately.... _he_ was _anxious_?

Light suddenly felt everything go still inside of him.

Then, like the heralding of doom, something hit the stillness, and ripples shuddered out from that focal point to the vast reaches of everything. _This was..._

L stopped abruptly and held his hand out demandingly.

Light stared at it blankly. _To feel anxious means more than what I originally supposed. The stakes are so much higher now... _He realized they were standing in front of their hotel room. He fished the key-card out of his pocket and placed it in L's pale, angular hand. _To feel anxious... means I now run the risk of being hurt... _

If L had the ability to hurt him, he was losing the upper hand.

L opened the door and paused to give the key-card back, looking up at Light as he did so. There was a vague inquisitiveness about him, the only relief from the cold manner he'd adopted for the last day. His eyes were flat pools of black that reflected the light in the hallway as much as they absorbed it. They gave nothing away. Light was locked out.

Light clenched his fist as L's attention moved off of him again and he stepped through the doorway. Of all the things he could not tolerate.... That L would look at him _that_ way - as if he were the same as everyone else...

He followed the detective, not that he had a choice being chained to him and all, and seethed. _Fuck feelings. Fuck anxiousness._ He was still in control. He could still make L react to him - all he had to do was abandon all other thoughts - focus on nothing but making those black eyes widen, un-shutter, and spill out their secrets where he could see them. L could be an imposing figure, if you let him. But if you hounded and cornered him, he could fall prey to insecurities and self-doubt just as easily as anyone else.

"L-Light-kun?"

The stammered voice, that voice he had wanted to hear for so long now, brought him back to himself.

He had backed the dark-haired detective into the wall and was barring his movement with a forearm under his chin. It was indeed wide eyes that met his now, startled into expressiveness. Stunning. They truly transformed the pale face they belonged to.

Light felt something tighten in his chest that unfurled the moment he brushed his lips against L's and sunk into the heat of his reluctant mouth. Warmth and surety flowed through him as L fought and surrendered in weakening cycles. _You're mine. We both know it._

He still wanted to address L's behavior from today, but that could come later. Right now, he was submerging himself in L as if he'd been thirsting for it. How dare L lock himself away where he could not gain access? _What right do you have to hide, and deprive me of the only thing that seems to mean something to me anymore? You know I cannot bear other people. Just you. You are the only one that is worthwhile. Worthy.  
_  
Light maneuvered them into L's room without conscious effort, closing the door behind them with a backwards nudge of his foot.

This room... A flair of heat in his abdomen accompanied Light's remembrance of the night before. L's fingernails in his back, his choked moans. The feel of that lean body shuddering around him as their hips met in frantic paces. He could taste the vulnerability of him on the air, at the skin of his neck, and from the heat of his burning cheeks.

So dark before, he had missed so much without the use of his eyes.

He had L on the bed beneath him and a hand under his shirt, smoothing up trembling flesh, before L said a word.

_Reacting, __**reacting**__. Your concession for how you were today. _Light made him work for those words.

"S-Stop, Light... kun... I don't -"

Light smirked as a moan and hastily bitten lip broke the flow of speech. _If that's what it takes, I will rob you of all dignity. I won't stop. I will break and remold you._

"Please..." _listen_, is what L was trying to say.

The 'please' gave him pause. "Your hair is so soft today, isn't it, Ryuuzaki," Light murmured threading his fingers through the spiky, soft mess of it. The conditioner had an effect on it after all. L's eyes closed as his fingers moved through the wild landscape, though they tracked the movement from beneath the lids. Light kissed his lips gently, possessively. "I told you it would be."

"I don't care about my outer appearance as you do yours." L's voice was faint, but steady.

"You should... you have so much to work with."

"You make no sense to me," L said flatly. It was a front, however. Light could feel the emotion just as easily as could have seen behind a stage curtain that had been sloppily let down.

Light whispered in his ear, "I just want you to want me... need me... do as I say..."

L shuddered. "What, no love? Is that not the ultimate in control?"

Light laughed softly. "That is something that can only be freely given. And I do not know that either of us is even capable of such." Oh, it was precious how L tried to lash out at him when he felt vulnerable. It was like the blow dealt from the paw of a small kitten. A surge of affection bent him to those sweet, pouting lips.

The faint noise L made, as he forced his way in, fueled his desire to claim him as thoroughly as last time. The detective's body twisted against his as Light's hands resumed their exploration, teasing, pinching, caressing.

It was all Light wanted out of life. Distilled into this one beautiful moment.

What had he been doing with himself up till now? Had he been truly living? All had been family, school, obligations, _people_. There had been nothing engaging, nothing exciting, nothing that was _worth his time_. But this...

L cried out as Light touched him more intimately. As if through a haze, Light watched the play of emotion on his face, delighted in the flush that suffused his naturally translucent skin, and treasured the way his lips parted to take in air with shallow pants. _If I were capable of it... I think I might come to love you. _

The desire to possess someone could be considered love...

Needing someone might be called love...

Simply wanting to be around someone all the time might be seen as such.

Indeed, any number of things could comprise the concept of love. But what truly was the word itself but a series of complex chains that few knew the real meaning of?

Light gasped as L unexpectedly took him in hand, pleasure compressing the already building ache in him, his eyes clamping shut reflexively. An outpouring of thought and feeling flooded from him towards the dark-haired boy. The most coherent: _If I could, I would love you._ _As broken as we both are, I think it might still be possible._

Light buried his face in the curve of L's neck as the pressure built to overwhelming.

He breathed in the scent of him, buried his mind in the closeness of him, and helplessly bit into the waiting flesh as his body lost control.

---

L sighed, the lethargy suffusing his limbs making him effectively boneless.

Light's body draped over his was not an uncomfortable weight, but it _was _an uncomfortable reminder that he had totally failed to thwart the younger boy's advances yet again.

He'd been determined to check Light's behavior with reciprocal behavior of his own, and to some extent it had seemed to be working. His ominous mood was detected and noted properly, and Light had avoided engaging him in anything, even conversation.

Surely the brunette had realized that despite having been physically aroused the night before when he'd been forced into sex, the fact of the matter remained: It had not been what you could consider to be consensual. As such, it was perfectly logical that L would hold a grudge and possibly even have accumulated a few more issues to add to his already substantial collection.  
_  
For those determined to have their way, there were still always consequences._

Any trust L might have had in the other boy had been sorely tested.

At the same time, what shreds remained, he desperately wished he could believe in. To think that this play of control and possession was merely a game... That scenario compromised everything far more than if Light was merely a spoiled child used to getting his way even at the expense of others. Even if he was also Kira.

Light had breached his mind, his body, and in time would be endangering the very core of him. His soul, if you will. Though he did not much believe in the existence of such things.

The issue of trust was the only measure he had to apply to this situation. If he believed Light could manage trustworthiness with him, he would risk it and from then on ignore any quailing doubts that arose. If he believed Light to be utterly devoid of truth, he would have to end this completely and shut the other boy out at any cost. He would not give in to pretty lies and place his neck obediently on the chopping block.

Light's pride was one thing the other boy preserved above nearly all else, and L was no different.

He would determine the true shape of things, expose the lies, and see where truth and intent really lay.

---

It was later, over dinner at the small dinette table that L brought it up.

Till now, they had shared a more or less companionable silence, each deep in their own thoughts. The exact opposite of before. With minimal deliberation, they decided on chinese food, as the delivery would be less cumbersome than another affair at one of the hotel's restaurants. Neither was in the mood to endure other people. Much preferable was this silence and their shared presence, even if there was an air of inevitability about it.

The dinette felt a little cramped, but it merely served to reinforce the feeling of closeness that had been forged not long ago. It seemed that the most honest communication they managed was by physical means. Perhaps the distraction of it is what was needed for them to let their guards down at the same time. Afterwards, the walls came back up with force, but their knowledge of each other and of themselves was altered. Improved. A seemingly futile process, but one that ultimately worked for them. A new infusion of data was more helpful to them than anything else, and it showed in their slow adaptation to each other.

Light paused the progression of lo mein noodles to his mouth. He met L's eyes and sensed the gravity of the question, but did not in fact know how to answer. He settled for ignorance, hoping L would give something away. "I'm sorry, what was that?"

L made an annoyed sound and resumed making a lake of duck sauce from countless plastic condiment packets. "I said, 'why did you agree?'"

"Some sort of reference would be nice," Light commented blandly. He had a suspicion this was about the disagreement between L and his father earlier. The one he never should have been involved in. The one he still knew _nothing_ about. Damn it all. He hated feeling ill-prepared.

"That Misa will be the courier for your tests, when anyone else would do. That your father suggested time with your girlfriend would be beneficial, and you did nothing to discourage him. Is this your idea of letting her down easily? Getting her more involved?"

_That's what I agreed to???_ No wonder L was peeved. Not that he could dismiss Misa easily what with the death note and Shinigami issues.... but this very thing was L's chosen rule by which to judge his sincerity, and it was already looking bad. "I hardly see why it is such a problem. In order to end things with her, I would need to be able to communicate in some way, would I not?"

L glared at a spring roll as he trailed it through the thick rosy-gold sauce and took a bite.

"You're sulking."

L repeated the process with a darker expression on his face. "I am not."

Light put his chopsticks to his mouth. "I should say so. Are you merely uncertain as to whether your nasty mood has pushed me to seek more friendly companionship?" He took the bite of food and chewed daintily, absolved from speech for the moment.

L looked like he was counting to 10. Light considered it a win if L was the one struggling to keep pace _and_ hold his temper. It was a nice turnabout from having a gaping hole in his information, only to have it filled unpleasantly with Misa. L wanted to trust him, didn't trust him, AND he was jealous. Jealousy might be the thing to drive L's trust into further solidification if only to keep the competition out...

"You said you would keep her out of it in exchange for my cooperation. Are you going back on your word?"

"What if I no longer thought you were keeping yours? Would you expect me to blindly adhere to a voided agreement?"

"If I knew you thought that, I never would have let you-" L broke off in exasperation.

Light folded his hands and propped his chin upon them with a smile. "Come now, Ryuuzaki, let us be honest with ourselves. If you already doubted me at that point, and to such an extent, then what we did you allowed for _other_ reasons."

"That ego of yours is going to get you into trouble one day."

"I'll rest easy as long as you are there to see it when it does." Light triumphed in the way those carefully chosen words were sucked in, rolled over, and examined by L for the nuances he knew they contained. _Unconcern. Mocking. A hint at his wanting L to be around. _Conflicting messages in some ways, but all true.

L finally settled on ignoring him, there being nothing really to say in response.

Light watched him eat, while occasionally taking bites of his own meal.

L looked resigned and vaguely annoyed as he drowned and ate his spring rolls. When those were finished, he dug with singular interest into the bag that housed more cartons of food and, of course, the fortune cookies. For some reason, there were three. L tossed one at Light's head, which he caught, and set to work opening the wrappers on the other two and crunching though them.

Light disliked the taste of fortune cookies, so he merely cracked his in half and read the fortune. They were usually good for a laugh.

_'You will always get what you want through your charm and personality.'_

Light smirked to himself. He always got the most accurate and amusing fortunes. He looked over to L to find him digging into a potion of fried rice. The fortunes and wrappers shared a common discard pile. "Would you like me to read you your fortune, Ryuuzaki?"

L likely didn't care, or he would have read them himself already, but the dark-haired detective looked up shiftily, then shrugged in acquiescence.

Light plucked one of the slips of paper out of the mess and chuckled. He read: "_God will give you everything that you want."  
_  
That was sufficient to stop L mid-chew. They both could take the meaning further - Light or Kira as it were, viewing himself as a god in his own right. God of the new world. _Yes, L, Kira will give you everything you desire._

L swallowed hastily, and with difficulty. "That's ridiculous. What was yours?"

Light told him.

L scoffed and snatched up his other fortune. His dark eyes scanned the printed message. He tossed it down a moment later with disdain. "This is why I never bother with these stupid things. How can they even be accurate? It's all chance." That said, he took a large bite of rice and tried to look bored.

Light picked up the second fortune, which made L twitch slightly in response. It read: _'A cynic is only a frustrated optimist'.  
_  
"I don't know," Light said, not quite smothering his amusement. "They seem fairly appropriate to me."

---

_click clik clackity click clik_

"Ryuuzaki.... I've asked you nicely three times now." Light's voice was strained in its pleasantry. Unspoken, but quite clear, was the sentiment: _'do it or else'_.

It was 3 a.m. Light was beyond tired and L was insisting on staying awake, keeping his bedside light on and using his laptop. Loudly.

The typing was driving him mad.

clackity clack claky CLICKITY CLIK KLAKK KLACK

"I don't know, Light-kun, it appears that your charm and personality are _broken_ as they are not yet convincing me to give you what you want. The very heavens must be frowning down upon you."

_Oh, nice. Like it's my fault the fortunes speak the truth._ "By heaven or hell, if you do not put that thing down, so help me, it will be going through that window."

"You know, I may be a frustrated optimist, but you have all the appearances of being frustrated in _**all **_things." L paused, looking infuriatingly and _falsely_ thoughtful. "It hardly makes it seem like you are getting your way at all, really."

clikkity clickitty clack click CLACK CLAK clik clicky

"Ryuuzaki," Light growled. He was going to destroy the laptop AND choke the little punk. In whichever order opportunity presented. Sleep deprivation and annoyance were a recipe for desperation.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Light-kun... I am disturbing your beauty-rest, aren't I?" The pleased little smirk that turned up the corner of L's mouth almost imperceptibly was the last straw.

Light lunged for his throat.

They toppled to the floor and only L's reflexes saved the laptop, which he shoved out of the way before their downward descent.

L wheezed as the air rushed from his lungs at impact. Light tried to crush his windpipe but he didn't have enough reach and his fingers only clamped half-heartedly around the slender throat. With a will, Light closed his fingers in an increasingly brutal grip. L recovered fast, whipping a limber leg out with a well-placed kick that caught him in the side. Light cursed and folded over, providing L an opportunity to gain his feet. Almost.

_Oh, no, you don't!_

Light grabbed at the older boy's jeans, securing a good grip, then yanked the pant-leg back just as L tried to stand. His side was burning and aching and he wanted to get even. L met the floor with a satisfying thud, but before Light could truly appreciate the aesthetics of that, he was forced to roll out of the way of another deadly strike from L's long legs.

They scuffled, hit, bit, pulled at each other's hair, and generally beat the crap out of each other. Through pure luck, L managed to pin Light with a creative use of the handcuff chain. It was another few moments of stillness before either had breath to speak. _Damn it! _Light swore mentally. They were too evenly matched for him to get the upper-hand easily. And this time, he'd slipped up.

"Feel better now, princess?" L taunted.

"NO. Why are you deliberately provoking me?" Provocation in this manner wasn't really L's style. Or was it?

"Because I can."

"Congratulations, you've succeeded in being extremely annoying," Light ground out. "I hope that wasn't your biggest aspiration in life, but some of us _do _have to aim low." He shifted, trying to get free, and scowled as it only served to abraid his bare chest on the carpet. "Give me a **real** reason," he said threateningly.

L kept him carefully held down and settled on Light's lower back like a seat. Or a pony, really, but that analogy did nothing for Light's temper.

"That _was_ a real reason, _Yagami_-kun." Light could practically hear the glee hidden within L's voice as he switched to the more formal mode of address. "I think it would benefit you to see that you cannot always have your way. Especially where I am concerned." L paused and pulled the chain a bit tighter, which Light's shoulder's and arms sorely protested.

L leaned down to speak in Light's ear. "Our compatible intellectual levels may bridge the gap in our ages, but our stations are quite different, and that is something I think you ought to keep in mind."

Light wanted to smack the superiority right out of the dark-haired detective's voice. "Let me up and I'll show you something you ought to keep in mind."

The chain tightened, eliciting a pained gasp.

Since when had L been able to turn the tables so fully? _It was infuriating!_

"Now, now, Yagami-kun," L breathed into his ear in a low voice. "You must know by now that with other people involved, you can't always have your way. You should learn to control your anger and ease back on that god-complex you seem to have picked up."

Light froze in shock and outrage, his mind racing at top speed. _God-complex....! Does he have proof?? Or is this merely a bluff? _Light reeled as he combed back over everything, looking for his error. This entire sequence, the pointlessly irritating demeanor L had adopted... was it all merely calculated steps to test his self-restraint? To see if he would slip up in a fit of rage? Was Watari right outside the door, on standby in case L was overpowered and needed assistance? _  
_  
L began nuzzling and mouthing the curve of his neck even as his words threw Light into hyper-analyzation mode.

Light ignored the sensation, determined to... _god, that was distracting_...

...This is nothing. A paltry win that I can usurp at any time. _There, you've let up on the chain just a bit - if I can just twist my right hand a bit, I can work it out...of the..._

One of L's hands moved down his back, massaging the flesh and stroking it lightly in turns as it slid lower and lower. _Oh, that feels good, damn him. _Light tried to refocus his thoughts, but between the dull ache in his bound arms, the hand now playing at his hip and Ryuuzaki's weight grinding him into the floor, he was at a loss. His skin was flashing hot, and his mind was was on little more but the thighs that pinned him.

"Nngh," Light groaned as L tilted him back, just enough to gain access to his mouth and the front of his cotton drawstring sleep-pants.

"Something tells me you like this even more than being in control, Yagami-kun," L said against his lips.

They were soft, barely brushing his. Teasing.

Desire flared up in Light's belly like a flash of white light. His hands twitched as the urge to pull L's mouth to his became overwhelming. _Just out of reach._ Consistently just out of reach. Lips courted his, playing with his anticipation of their advance and retreat. The tip of L's tongue delicately darted between his lips, surprising him. The hot molten lust it stirred within him drew a sound of surpressed desire from his unguarded mouth.

"So torture **is** a part of your duties as a world-renowned detective?" Light managed. How in the hell had the situation gotten like this, he could not even fathom. L was right, it was shredding his composure more than he would have imagined; however, it was nothing compared to having L gasping and helpless beneath him. _Keep him talking. Keep his mouth busy..._

"Hardly," L said dismissively before changing tracks and addressing Light's very thoughts. "I was inexperienced before, Yagami-kun. Nobody has ever faulted me for being a slow learner." L's hands reasserted their presence - a rustling of the chain in one, and the bold grip of the other on his desperate flesh. Teasing lips were nothing compared to the feel of slim, articulate fingers. What happened to the shy L that could hardly bear such intimacies?

Light's eyelids fluttered closed and he grit his teeth in turn. He was not going to last long against this, but he was immobile, and held at L's mercy. "Damn... handcuffs..." Light gasped out. _I won't succumb to this. To you...  
_  
"I guess Matsuda had a point for once."

"And what... might that be?" Light felt his limbs begin to acquire a fine trembling as he held back the growing fervor of denied pleasure. He wanted to let go so badly, but he was determined not to lose to this, or any other side L chose to show him. But... L had this ability to affect him... and it was so difficult to...

"I believe the vernacular for what he was trying to express earlier was that you are indeed 'fuckable'."

Light's eyes widened. That at least penetrated the fog of lust clouding his mind. _Fuckable?? _L had been taken by body snatchers. That had to be it. There was no other explanation. Or, this was a dream. Yes! Dreams by nature were illogical. Or, perhaps L had been watching bad pornography. But when would he have had time? They had been chained together without respite, he wouldn't have had the chance.

_Oh, no, I let myself be distracted..._ Light's body tensed, impending release dragging his focus back to the physical realm. Cool fingers hastened upon him, wringing small gasps from him as the throbbing ache inside him tightened unbearably, forcing a groan from his lips as it suddenly dispelled in a flood of pleasure.

L claimed his lips as he came, kissing him fully while he couldn't properly fight back. L sucked at his mouth and coerced with his hands, sapping him of any remaining energy until he sagged upon the floor like a limp doll. Only then did the pressure on his arms let up - not that he could properly feel them - and the weight on his back disappeared.

Light dimly heard the rustling of the chain.

He couldn't move.

He was free, and he couldn't even move to save his own life. Even if L were to say, _'I win'_ and place him under arrest for being Kira. Even then, his muscles would not obey him. _Please, let that not have been the plan...  
_  
He heard L's voice from somewhere behind him, triumphant. Pleased.

"Oh, good. It isn't damaged. I would have been very upset if you had broken my laptop, Light-kun."

Light blinked slowly, seeing the fibers of the carpet in minute detail. Now he was 'Light-kun' again. _Maybe... _His head felt devoid of the vitals that should be what kept his heartbeat and his respiratory functions running. But if his brain were indeed in place and functional, why wasn't he able to _think_? "Ryuu...zaki. Would you mind explaining to me what just happened?"

L crouched beside him and smiled. "It was just a dream, most likely." He tilted his head, dark hair falling into dark eyes. "Besides, you know in real life there are things I just wouldn't say. Though I must admit, the real me never would have suspected you to have such a bondage kink."

"This is... this is so beyond me right now," Light mumbled, musing aloud as darkness overcame his vision. "Did he slip something into my food?"

---

The sound of the alarm, namely Watari banging on the door, was brutal to Light's pounding head. He felt awful.

"Watari," L called. "I'm already awake, thank you."

Light blinked and tried to gather his brain into something resembling coherency. He felt like he'd only had 3 hours of sleep, his eyes wouldn't focus, and he had some disturbing, half-remembered dream about laptops and being dominated by L.

It was no good. He needed more sleep. He rolled over and tucked into a ball and pretended the world did not exist. Inexplicably, his shoulders felt sore. Oh, but the bed was soft and inviting. He smiled faintly as sleep rolled back over him in a thick blanket.

"Light-kun, you must get up. We have things to do."

What was that annoying voice that kept pulling at his consciousness? Didn't they understand sleep was a basic _need_? "Five more minutes," he slurred. Oblivion tugged at the edges of his mind like a siren's song.

"No."

"Fine," Light mumbled at the nuisance, starting to get irritated. "You go, I'll stay here."

"You know that is not an option, Light-kun. Now please get up; you take forever to get ready."

_Oh. That voice... _One amber eye slid open and focused lazily on L's face. L... _I really am out of it if it takes me this long to process such a simple thing._ Dark eyes rimmed with dark shadows blinked at him. They looked resolute.

"Ryuuzaki?" Something about L leaning over him like this....

"Yes, Light-kun?"

Light's brain was starting to come online as he stared at L's face - as his eyes fell to the other's lips. Something was picking at it from the back, a niggling of a thought...."Were you using your laptop late last night?"

"Why would I do that?" L puzzled. "I know how fanatical you are about your sleep."

_'I think it would benefit you to see that you cannot always have your way.' _What were those words he could almost hear ringing in his head? Light fixed the detective with a suspicious, assessing look. "Are you sure?"

"Reasonably so."

Light swung his feet over the side of the bed, the world swimming dizzily as he tried to stand.

L caught his arm and steadied him. "You don't look so good, Light-kun. Was 8 hours not sufficient enough beauty-rest?"

There was that zing of intuition again. Something felt off. Light squinted at L's innocent face for a second time. What had happened before... Had it been a dream that echoed reality, or reality that mimicked a dream? "I'll be... fine." _Either I'm losing my grip or you are playing __**dirty**__. _"I just need a hot shower and a cup of coffee." And proof.

_Of the two possibilities, I am not sure which bodes more ill._

* * *

TBD

**A/N: **  
The first two fortunes were real ones that I have in my possession.


	15. Competition

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 15: Competition)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

**A/N:** Thank you to "? ( )", an anon reviewer that gave some kickass feedback!!! Also, to LawlietDen (hugs) and everyone else. You help give this story LIFE! And you help me survive this healthy eating kick i am subjecting myself to. (no coffee, soda, alcohol, or anything that isn't rabbit-food Huah!) :O

Why am i doing this? The way i see it... if two somewhat reclusive, questionably-athletic genius types can have washboard abs, SO. CAN. I. XD (motivation, woooo!)

* * *

Chapter 15:

"Liiiiiight," Misa whined with a girlish pout. "I thought we were going to go out on a date after this."

"Misa, I'm sorry, but it would be unadvisible to go out in public with such an auspicious thing as a pair of modified handcuffs, attached to my and Ryuuzaki's hands."

"Then make him take them off," she demanded.

Light glanced over his shoulder to where the detective was currently taking up residence. Tucked into an overstuffed chair and speaking to Watari with dessert fork enhanced hand motions, L was giving them space to 'be alone'. It was a gesture, nothing more. The cheesecake on the detective's delicate china plate was a pleasant diversion, but nothing that would fully occupy him or keep his attention off of their conversation. Nor would propriety.

He was unable to speak freely.

"I'm sorry Misa, but L is steadfast on this." He had so many plans he needed to set in motion, utilizing the girl to act where he could not. That, and he had not yet managed to convince her to make the deal for the eyes. What did she care if she relinquished half of her remaining years? Wasn't it a romanticized ideal of girls to die young and beautiful? Wasn't that the sort of poetic drivel they flocked to with shining eyes? She should be pleased he was offering her the opportunity to be close to him in exchange for such a paltry sum as that. How could she refuse?

Misa flipped her straight blonde hair over her shoulder in a coy and sulky fashion. "But Liiiiiight, I only agreed to bring you your tests because I thought we would have some time alone together." Her large blue-grey eyes were annoying. They were also decorated with a phenomenal amount of eye makeup. It was done with no small amount of skill, and it was obvious that she took great pains to mold herself into the trendy goth-lolita style she favored. Oh, if only she could use her time more effectively...

Light scoffed internally. _Short-sighted fool._ "You know I would rather it not be this way..." He cultivated concern and regret in his words, and offered her a rueful smile.

Her hands went to her hips and a frown marred her face. "First, you get grounded for I don't know how long," her voice was grating, "then, you get chained to a weirdo," and rising with every word, "and now you're telling me we can't even go out on _dates!_?"

Light bit the inside of his cheek in an attempt to maintain his role. As if he would willingly subject himself to the wheedling and constant pouting that this position of 'boyfriend' crippled him with. Did she really believe that acting spoiled was endearing her to him?

She tried another tactic, deciding then to latch onto his arm. She batted her eyes at him and whined. "I miss yoooooou, Liiiiight. When are you going to kiss me like you did at school that day? It's been sooo long."

"Yes, Light-kun," L chimed in, "when are you going to give us all a nice public display like that again?" L was still eating his cake, and his back was mostly turned. Light glared at it.

Misa popped out from around Light and stormed over to stand before L, legs splayed in an aggressive stance. She looked down her nose at L, hands fisted on her hips. "You... perverted little monkey!"

L blinked and looked up slowly, "Are you addressing me?" He and Light were equally surprised and very nearly amused. Light caught the flick of a dark eye before it settled on the self-righteous female before him.

"Yes, I am! How dare you watch my Light kiss me! That is so improper and - and _vulgar_."

"It was not my intent - I was passing by when-"

"Silence!" she said, pointing an accusatory finger an inch from his nose. "You're a pervert and a weird little freak. Who sits like that? And barefoot? That is just awful-"

"Misa-" Light tried to interject. But the stupid girl was on a roll.

"-Not to mention these horrible baggy clothes and your awful hair, and it's no wonder you feel the need to stare at other people's love because you are not likely to get _any_ for yourself."

L made a sad face, the appropriate response, but Light noted that his eyes were blank. He was acting the expected part, while guarding and suppressing his emotions... which, in fact, were likely to be the same as the role he was adopting. In effect, he was being open without claiming the emotional ownership of it. Misa had actually discovered a sore spot. Light made a mental note that she wasn't completely useless. "I'm sorry I am so unworthy," the detective said in a placating faux-anxious voice, "But surely you know it would be a difficult thing indeed to attain such beauty as to compare with yours, Misa-Misa?" _Ah, and here is the embellishment..._ L had no interest in Misa, he was certain of that. "I've long ago settled for the less glamorous role of fan. I hope you are not so put out by me that I will not even be able to request an autograph?"

Light had to applaud L for his performance. Misa was starting to look guilty and appalled in equal measures.

"Y-You're a fan?"

L looked away, as if embarrassed. "For years now."

Misa's face bore her true embarrassment like a brand. Insulting fans was a no-no in the entertainment business when reputation was so vital. "M-My goodness," she stammered, her voice pitching up as she switched into meet-and-greet fan mode. "Years? I'm so - pleased to hear that.... and um... all of that before, I was joking. Ha ha. Of course I will sign something for you."

L gave her a beaming smile. Utterly fake, Light surveyed with impunity, but convincing... and also kind of cute in its earnestness.

L rummaged around on the table beside him. "Here, sign this." He held up a piece of glossy white cardboard that until a moment ago had provided the bottom lining of a box of scones, and a marker.

"Um..." Misa said, politeness coating her reluctance. "There is also some paper over there at the printer I could-"

"No, no, it has to be this," L insisted. He noticed the profusion of crumbs on the cardboard's surface and wiped at them with his sleeve before holding it out to her. "Cardboard will last longer, after all."

Light watched in awe as Misa gingerly accepted L's offering, taken in by the allusion to making her fame a more permanent thing. L was doing his best to get her back for the things she'd said by repulsing her, Light was sure. It was actually quite entertaining. L was a fair actor as well, which begged the question... was he good enough to act out that little scene the night before, or had it been a dream? If L had purpose, could he act out a role that opposed his nature? Could he subvert his tendency to avoid intimacy and engage it on his own?

"Now, Ryuuzaki," Misa said in a syrupy voice, "since I have been so nice to you, can you not let me borrow Light for a little while?"

L gave her wide, buggy eyes. "Of course." Before she could squeal in delight and triumph, he added, "but I will have to accompany you."

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?" Misa latched onto Light, to his dismay, and buried her face in his chest. "It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair!" Light dutifully patted her shoulder with a long suffering expression. L caught his eye and gave him a smug inquisitive look. Light scowled. _Don't drag me into your games like this._

Misa took advantage of her position, being wrapped around Light, and felt him up a bit.

Light stiffened in surprise as a small hand squeezed his cheek through his khaki slacks. Was this girl for real?

"Are you sure you can't get rid of him, Light?" Misa said breathily. "I thought that since we are at a hotel, it would be easy to... you know...." she pressed her chest against him in a suggestive manner. What to do with an overly solicitous female? This was perplexing. Surely it could be made advantageous in some way if it came down to it - if he really couldn't think of a viable way to turn her away without inciting female rage, or to accept without _accepting_... But would accepting secure him a more loyal second in command? Perhaps then she might dutifully get the eyes... Light played through that scenario and suppressed a shudder - the thought of doing anything of that nature with Misa was an unexciting prospect.... tactical gains or no.

The burning heat of jealous eyes made Light look up.

Deep, rich eyes glowed darkly at him from L's pale face. Light found himself quite taken with the effect of it. _Perfect. You are perfect like that._ A brief moment more and L had the emotion sealed away, but it was enough to spark an idea.

"Misa," Light tilted her face up, "as much as I would love to take you up on that..." She gazed at him adoringly and with frustration. "I'm afraid it's not possible. Not unless you can get past the idea of having a third person with us." A dark pair of eyes bored into him with unpleasant sharpness. _Well then, I see I have your full attention... Whatever will you do,_Ryuuzaki_?_

Misa seemed to deeply ponder that and weigh the consequences versus the immediate gratification. On the one hand, she could finally get Light to commit to some action. On the other, there would be a witness. A stalkerish dark-eyed freak, no less. He'd probably enjoy the show. But to actually get into Light's pants seemed nothing short of a miracle. Maybe it would be worth it... she could ignore the monkey - pretend it wasn't there. People have sex all the time with their pets around and think nothing of it, right?

"Light-kun, I'm afraid I would be the one to protest such a thing." L met Light's eyes and the connection between them sizzled. Light smirked inwardly. What was the quality of it? Angry? Jealous? L's eyes narrowed slightly and he broke their gaze with forceful snap of his eyes and the fluid adoption of his Misa-fan role. "I-I would be completely overcome to witness such a scene." He skulked up to Misa's side. Even with his hunched posture, he towered over her. Invading her personal space enhanced the effect. He was trying to intimidate her. "Misa-Misa, please understand that I could not be privy to such a thing," he fretted. "And yet, I cannot leave Light-kun's side."

Misa tilted her head. "Misa's unveiled beauty would be overwhelming, it is true..."

L nodded emphatically, and for some reason, Light got the impression he wished to kick her.

Misa gave L an assessing look. "You're not so bad... in an anemic, darkling sort of way. And you actually do have rather nice skin... Maybe I could tolerate having your involvement, if only it gives me a chance to be with my precious Light."

"M-Misa-Misa, I do no think that Light meant for me to _join_ you... I do believe-"

"You were fine with being a voyeur, what's the problem?" she huffed.

"Well, by definition, a voyeur..."

"You were creepy for watching us together in the first place, and it would be _less_ creepy of you to be involved instead of just _watching_ everything."

L actually flushed a little at her forwardness. "T-That's..."

Light recovered from his momentary lapse of thought. He couldn't believe she was willing to participate in such ho-ish behavior! She was supposed to be appalled, maybe angry, and ultimately compliant to letting the whole thing go. He hadn't meant for her to take him _seriously_. "Misa, that was a very amusing joke, but let us stop the matter here."

"I'm not joking," she snipped. "I'm worried. How long are you going to be chained to him? And you're a _boy_. Boys have urges, and chained to him, there is nothing you can do to take care of those. How long before either of you goes crazy and something _happens_?"

L and Light exchanged a glance.

"And this," she reached for the chain and rattled it. "is so short that you _must_ be forced to sleep in the same bed. It's a nightmare waiting to happen."

"Are you proposing that a 3-way would be an acceptable preventative measure?" L asked incredulously.

"Well, at the least, it would mean less sexual tension, and that should only help."

L gave Light a complicated look that could only be taken to say, _'Light, you are dating a whore.'_

"Logically speaking," L started in a dismissive voice, "the instigation of sexual involvement of any kind between two people is only going to make it more likely for a repeated occurrence. Despite your plan to involve the three of us, you are only going to be increasing the odds that Light or myself will seek gratification with the other as you would have removed the obstacle of unfamiliarity."

"That doesn't make any sense," she said stubbornly.

"Allow me to put it more bluntly." L walked to the door, pulling Light along with him. He called over his shoulder, "We will return in a moment, Watari."

Once the three of them were out in the hallway, L led them to an alcove off the beaten path that housed one of the ice machines for the floor. "L has the hotel room monitored by countless cameras," L said obliquely for Misa's benefit. A condition of Misa being allowed to be the courier was that she think "Ryuuzaki" was just an underling of L's. She was not to know that Ryuuzaki was the L in charge of entrapping Light.

"L sounds like a jerk," she huffed.

L ignored that. "Now, Misa-Misa, as I wished to expound upon earlier, a 3-way is no simple thing. You would have to be ok not only with there being an extra person present, but with relations between you and myself as well as myself and Light."

"I know that - I'm not stupid."

"But theory and practice are very different things, are they not?" L countered. "For instance, you would need to have no objections over something like this-"

Light suddenly found himself being pushed against the wall with L's warm, succulent mouth covering his own. A chaste kiss would have illustrated the point sufficiently, but L chose a deep, violating kiss instead. The unexpectedness of it sparked through Light with wanton appeal. He forgot for a moment anything outside L's greedy mouth, the hand fisted in the front of his shirt, and the joy that surged through him at the feel and taste of the dark-haired boy, rich on his tongue. His eyes slipped incrementally closed.  
_  
This... may be the proof I wanted... the dream that may not have been a dream at all..._

_Your hand is played if you let me know all of what you are capable of. _

_To show this side of yourself in the light of day... have you slipped up without realizing it, L?_

Prying hands yanked insistently to pull them apart. L conceded and moved back.

"That - T-That..." Misa's face was bright red, her expression caught between thrall, embarrassment, and anger directed at L. "Don't you do that again, you pervert!"

"I told you it was likely to bother you." L was unapologetic and, by all appearances, unaffected by their kiss. Light knew differently. He had felt the tremor shudder through the other boy's body. He'd felt the aligning of their perceptions and the hyper-focus that extended between them when they touched. He had seen the fever-light in those dark eyes that would be mirroring his own. He licked his lips.

"N-N-No one has to k-kiss like that while we do it! That was - that was your own perverted nature shining through!"

"So you perceive a kiss to be more personal than engaging in-?"

Misa clapped her hands over her ears. "Don't say it! I don't like when you say it. You're so analytical, and it isn't supposed to be like that."

"And does Light-kun talk about it any differently? Does he wax poetic on love? I admit I would be ignorant on the matter if such were the case."

Light sneered at him. _Do you favor poetry,_Ryuuzaki_? Would that be all it took to pacify you? Could I shackle you beneath me with lines of verse? Or is it that_love_would do the binding? Is that a word you desperately need to hear? Could I enslave you with a word?_

"O-Of course he does! He... He's sweet to me and tells me how he loves me and wants me all the time!"

Light scoffed. Flaccid lies. He'd never done any such thing, nor would he ever. That Misa was merely feeling threatened, however, was quite interesting. Threatened by the way they fit together so well, perhaps? Knowing already that she couldn't compete? He ducked his head as a pleased smile curved his lips. _**This**__is why I pursue you L, even_she_can see it - there is no better match for either of us._The smile turned sharp._But I was not amused by your little game last night... You've been found out and you will bow back down before me - your little power trip is finished. Mine, however... _

"That was inappropriate, Ryuuzaki," Light chided, showing his face once more. "Did I give you permission to engage me in such a fashion?" He hinted at a parallel between this moment and the situation the previous night.

L gave him an annoyed look, clearly thinking that that was nothing compared to all else that had transpired between them. "My humblest apologies, Yagami-kun. Had I ever suspected you would be against it, and would not enjoy it, I never would have done so."

Light raised a perfectly shaped brow._ It's quite a risk to talk of enjoyment in such things in present company, L. Are yours made of brass then? And, how cleverly you twist your words to suit both levels of our debate. Yagami-kun?? Ah, so you are openly admitting it to me? Your honest deception? 'Likely a dream...' you said, counting on me to look past such an obvious ruse and question myself instead. Indeed, it worked. For a time..._

"Does it increase your ego to think that I would enjoy such a thing?" Light said with disapproval as he met L's gaze over Misa's head, stroking her blonde hair as she latched to him. A crooked smile was fighting to present itself upon his face. He could already see that self-doubt was surfacing in those onyx-black eyes with such a small statement. A tiny chink in the armor. _I could break you._ That most formidable of armor the dark-haired boy had hidden himself beneath. _That's right, L, you like it when I invade you. You enjoy being chased. You are not the hunter you attempt to be._

"Misa, perhaps we should forgo this idea of yours," Light said gently. "I do not think it will go the way you would like it to."

"But, Light! I-"

"Shhhh." Light tilted her face up to his. "I was also never one to share." He kissed her, cutting off further useless arguments, and reveled in the toppling of L's defenses which he could practically _feel_without seeing. From this point forward, renegotiation was paramount. L would be his without restrictions and demands, and without his silly plays for power. L just had to realize how few his bargaining chips truly were, and if using Misa was a means to that end, so be it.

---

"Ryuuzaki. I think we need to talk."

Misa had gone home, as had many of the men that were working on the investigation. Only Mogi and Ide were hard at work in front of the glowing monitors. L and Light were in relative seclusion on the other side of the room. It was private, if they kept their voices lowered.

"I think talking would be a moot exercise at this point." L felt obstinate. Whatever ground he had gained in the earlier play involving Misa had been lost. He had gambled high and had been inordinately pleased with his own execution of things, but Light had wrested the upper hand from him again almost effortlessly. He felt toyed with. Light was surely delighting in watching him struggle and flounder.

"I hardly believe evasion to be more productive."

"That is your prerogative. Believe what you will." The kiss bothered him. Had Light really found it imperative to kiss that blonde whore in front of him like that? Was the other boy so certain of his jealousy? Of his inability to extricate himself from the twisted shape of their tumultuous involvement? The root of the problem was Light himself. He knew he had become indispensable and was taking as many liberties as he could with that. In addition, he wove a thick web of hope, fear, and longing that was not an easy thing to escape. Light was a master at crafting situations to further his purpose. Did it benefit him to make L jealous of a harlot? To see him embarrassed? To infuriate him? To seduce him against his will and better judgment? But for what **gain**?

He couldn't be _entirely_ false, L thought. _If so, he would never so openly show his disdain of Misa and his lack of interest in being physical with her, and at the same time express the opposite regarding me._ _Even so, I do not trust him._

Light calmly lounged in his chair and examined his ridiculously perfect nails. It seemed he sensed L's train of thought and this was his flippant response to it. "I suppose we are at an impasse, then."

"..."

Light looked up with a droll, bored expression, though a smile inevitably wound his lips. "What would you have done had I accepted her misguided proposal?"

"It doesn't matter. There was no way the three of us would assent to such a situation."

"I think it does. Would you have refused out of propriety, or accepted out of jealousy?"

"Stop pursuing this." Light's words jarred and racketed through L, feeding something in him he couldn't quite give name to. It was dark. Ugly. Violent. Obsessed. He felt his irritation rise, his natural defense against that thing. Would he have accepted out of jealousy? Would he be so naive as to think he could dull the influence of the girl if only he were there? _**Foolish.**_ And what of himself? His standards? Barring that - how would he handle intimacy with another person, and in a situation such as that? Anger. Would anger have helped him act out a role so distasteful to him? Or had he, in the back corner of his mind, wanted to capture Light's focus and attentions in _that_ situation and show her how impossible it was for her to compete? Wasn't that what he had been thinking when he kissed Light in front of her?

Was he that desperate to have a special claim on the brunette??

L's eyes were drawn back to Light as if the other boy had them on chains he could draw at will. A sharp wrenching pulled at his chest as he traced the contours of his tormentor's face, beautiful all the more for the expression of his inner self in small details such as the set of his lips or the angle of his arched brows. His eyes were averted just now, but L had no doubts Light knew he was being watched. Dark gold lashes nearly touched his smooth cheeks - so long and delicate - adding to the air of angelic regality he oft times possessed. Was it this contradiction that engaged him so? This didactic show of cruelty wrapped in and obscured by the pristine, soulful face and demeanor? Did it intrigue him that none seemed to see past the veneer, and yet _**he**_ could? Was he so lost because he saw this pool of darkness and had never been forced to drink of its full bitterness?

Was he content that they saw into each other, and that Light was content to play with him, never attacking at full force? Was this his perception of affection?? Was he trying to interpret Light's actions and reasoning, forming a complicated map by which only he could truly know the other boy? Was he convinced that if he did this, he might have a better claim on him, or that he may perceive caring where others would not?

_You are too clever not to realize all this. So, what if the map I thought I'd expertly crafted was actually drawn by your hand? You could choke me in your netting while I search for the good in you..._

"Ryuuzaki," Light whispered, much too close to him for comfort. "I sense that your opinion of me is flagging..." It rippled through him, the smile in his words was all too evident._He_ was feeling playful.

"Light-kun, remember our surroundings," L quietly said back, cognizant of the two remaining task force members. It was uncanny how Light could tell when he was just distracted enough to be moved in upon.

"I never forget them," Light said silkily. L felt Light's words, his presence and his intent wrapping around him sinuously, twisting him up in the spiral of the brunette's focus. Amber eyes glowed at him now, unshuttered, golden.

L glanced towards the late-nighters, anxiousness fluttering in his stomach as he turned his attention away from the viper at his throat. They were speaking quietly as well, utterly involved with whatever data it was they had up on the screens. Or hell, it could have been illicit videos for all L knew. He didn't have a direct line of vision to the monitors anyway.

Breath and soft lips against the column of his neck ripped L's attention back to his own side of the room, spiking through him with voracious _wanting_. "W-What are you doing?"

"Must you ask?" Teeth tested his flesh. L shuddered.

This was different, unprecedented. Light had never taken action where others could see. What did this mean? Another change? A shift? New rules? L's chest constricted. This was terrifying, and yet helplessly he stood by. Light was drawing him in and he was reacting.

"Call it a night," Light murmured. "There is no use in us staying here." _God, that voice..._

"We cannot always retire so early, they will start to suspect -" _I'll be eaten alive..._

"L, I'm not in the mood to be denied." L ignored his body's impulsive reaction to that, drowning it in thought. _L? There is that particular slip-up again... always in situations such as these... when you are impatient... What is the name you call me by in your own mind? Am I L? Am I Ryuuzaki? And the significance of either one..._

Light spoke into his ear, his voice a velvet threat. "I can make it so they have not one shred of doubt how close these handcuffs have truly made us."

"Would that not harm you more than I, Light-kun? I for one, do not have an overprotective father..."

"I love how stoic you can make yourself appear, when I know you are positively trembling inside."

Light's gaze was steel bathed in gold.

"You know this?" L feigned. "Intriguing. I fail to agree with your assessment." Light was hunting him. They both knew this. In times like these, it was all so transparent. The posturing, the tactics, the struggle. It would likely always end the same way.

Light smiled and it was as disturbing as it was beatific. "I can taste it on your skin."

"Can you taste also my disdain for you?"

The smile turned a few degrees colder. "An interesting word you chose, Ryuuzaki. And one so untruthful, I'm debating calling you a contemptible liar."

"So harsh from one determined to win me over while trying to destroy me."

Light paused, radiating disapproval. "As you well know, I respond only in kind."

"If you were Kira, that statement might actually hold merit."

"And if I were, would you hunt me down with a pack of dogs? Would you parade yourself as a champion of justice while they ripped the flesh from my bones? Would you wish my blood on your hands?"

"Would you like to be more succinct if this was to be an admission? I don't think what the cameras have so far is likely to stand in court."

L felt a wash of rage emanate from Light, so strong it was palpable. His expression, however, was schooled. He pulled back and began to laugh. "What an excellent sense of humor you have, Ryuuzaki." His voice was raised enough that he could easily be overheard. "You may be holding me here indefinitely, in chains, but you are the most amusing captor one could ask for. In lieu of that, who would mind being trapped with you and having one's life and activities stop for no apparent reason? Ahhahaa."

Of course, Ide and Mogi's heads had risen like little gophers to witness the act. They moved closer.

Ide was looking perturbed and Mogi was frowning more than usual. Ide, the spineless, eyebrowless twit, decided to speak first. "R-Ryuuzaki... perhaps this confinement is too much pressure on Yagami-kun?" He glanced at Mogi. The broad-shouldered man nodded and crossed his arms, saying, "I agree with Ide. None of us agreed with your decision, and the more time goes on, the less we approve."

_Unbelievable_, L thought.

Well, actually, it wasn't. He could have expected as much from two such as these. Short-sighted, narrow-minded fools. It was no wonder tracking Kira had proved so impossible with a team of dead weight such as he had. Not one of them even entertained the idea that Light might be Kira, and all for the stupidest reasons. Because he seemed _NICE_? Because he acted so young, earnest and _pure_?? It was laughable and yet it made him so _angry_.

"Perhaps we should put him back into solitary confinement?" L said with false indecisiveness. "Do you suppose_that_ would be a better approach?" He reigned in the vitriol suffusing his voice, but enough remained to widen their eyes. "Perhaps my bit of compassion was ill-placed, _what do you think_?"

Ide's mouth clamped firmly shut. L turned to Mogi, and waited for him to speak.

"Ryuuzaki, I think... this confinement you have undertaken is as much a strain on you as it is on Yagami-kun. Neither of you have been acting normally for a while, and the whole task force has been concerned over it."

_Of course_ it was strained, with Light pushing him into unwilling debauchery and now, their battle for dominance...

"What I'm trying to say, Ryuuzaki..." Mogi paused to run his hand through his close-cropped black hair "...is that maybe one of the task force members can trade off watching over Light if you insist on continuing this."

Again, laughable. Infuriating. "And should I trust that you will pick up on anything useful, should something be unwittingly revealed?" His voice gathered strength and speed. "You, who all doubt that this young man has it in him to be a killer? You, who doubt that even the best of intentions could still lead someone astray given the right circumstances?" L's voice hardened. "I am not keeping him here as a _**pet**_, Mogi. He needs more than this ineffectual 'watching'. He needs to be constantly_monitored_ and _assessed_ and frankly, none of you are capable."

A muscle jerked in Mogi's jaw. "So, you _do_ see us all as being beneath you."

Ludicrous, to even have to address such a thing. "I see you as beneath me in experience, unlike many of you who dismiss me for my age. I did not attain my position as L through goodwill and luck. I have gained it through proving myself over and over. My appearance is not a direct reflection of my mind. Only simple people believe such things to be so."

"Please, everyone, let us not fight like this," Light said tiredly. He had every look of the tormented, kind-hearted schoolboy. All innocence, and a will to endure hardship as gracefully as possible. What an actor he was.

"You make me sick," L said with contempt, albeit childishly. He'd had enough.

Ide and Mogi blanched in response. _See?_They were too witless to even realize he'd been addressing Light, though he had been facing them. L found he was being perhaps a bit more cantankerous than he would have liked, but he couldn't help it. They had frayed his nerves and patience to the quick. His mood would likely not improve by enduring their presence further. Two gullible fools, and a tragedian.

"I'm done for this evening. Goodnight." L made his way for the exit, and was mildly surprised when his captive did not follow. As his arm pulled taut, he took a deep, steadying breath to calm the irritation that flared in him at being denied his egress, before turning around.

Light was facing him, his legs set in an aggressive stance though the rest of him maintained the helpless schoolboy shtick. His eyes were wide and his face drawn as if he feared going with L was like being led into the lion's den. Less apparent was that mile-wide streak of stubbornness and sadism that remained elusively, yet very much present, in his honeyed eyes. He played 'victim' seamlessly, but L was going to make that more difficult. "Is there a problem Light-kun?"

"I don't want to go yet." Weakness trembled in his voice. The others were taken in. Too easy.

L slouched up to Light until the other boy was forced to move back a step. "But Light-kun, it was you who were so insistent we leave and be about other things. You know, given my preference, I work late into the night."

"Other things?" Ide asked Mogi under his breath. "What do you think that means?"

"Uh... chess, maybe?" he whispered back.

"It... didn't sound like chess..."

"Ryuuzaki, why would I say such a thing? You make it sound as if... I would... would initiate..." Light actually managed to get a believable blush to spread across his cheeks before he looked away with demure embarrassment.

L felt his face go deadpan. Light must be extremely annoyed, for him to go to these lengths to be so frustrating and destructive. Hadn't the brunette admitted conspiring to have them cuffed together? Hadn't he stated that any confirmation of their intimacy would have his father breathing down their necks? What he was doing now flew in the face of all of that.

"Light-kun, I hope you are not implying that I would ever require or act upon something of an indecent nature with you."

Light crossed his arms over his chest and hugged himself as if traumatized.

"Ryuuzaki... I don't know exactly what's going on here," Mogi said brusquely, "But I think maybe we should call Yagami-san."

L leveled Light with an even, probing stare. _Is that your intent, Light? You could not bend me to your will, so you will make another play for freedom in order to continue on as Kira? For why else bring your father into this? Why else would you falsely confirm their suspicions that I was taking advantage of you? You know how badly this eats at me... or is hurting me your aim?_

"No, don't call Father..."

They all looked to Light. He hugged himself tighter. "I don't want to bother him so late at night. I'm sure you all know how rare it is for him to take time away and get proper sleep."

"But, Light!" Ide said despairingly. "Even so, you can't be expected to deal with something like this!"

"He's right," Mogi agreed. "If there is something more to this than mere confinement, it is not something that should be tolerated."

L wanted to smack Ide and Mogi. _**Idiots**_. How could they not recognize this fabrication? Why was everyone so _blind_?! Light... Light he had a severe urge to kick. In the face. It was also inordinately irritating to see this sham parading around via Light's body. _I want to see the real you._ _I know it's in there... biding its time. In this moment, it's as if you don't exist - so fully do you adopt these roles._

"If you call him, he will do his best to swing his weight around and have me released. I'd like nothing more... however, I know that that will not clear my name and will only make me seem a more likely suspect. Then, all of this will be for naught." Light looked up at them, and L saw what looked suspiciously like tears glistening in Light's eyes. "Thank you. Both of you. But I can endure a little longer. I don't think I could bear being released only to be confined once more at a later date."

_This martyrdom is repulsive, Light. It is a shame it is working so well for you._

"Ryuuzaki... I'm sorry I... lost my cool." Amber eyes, illuminated by a false persona swiveled reluctantly to face him. "I just get worked up when you say things to me sometimes and I suppose I forget that I... can voice my opinions and state what I do and don't want instead of merely reacting as I did."

L peered into those eyes, and saw it - a glimmer of the real Light. This was a dual apology. One for their ears, and one for his. Light was actually upset over their exchange. Well and truly upset. Which now made sense as before he really had been voicing incriminating things in range of the microphones to pick up. The rage was perhaps because he momentarily _did_ forget himself and his surroundings, of which L had reminded him? Which part? Which part of it sparked such a reaction in someone so untouchable....?

_"If you were Kira..."_

_"...if I were, would you hunt me down with a pack of dogs?" _

"I have given you an apology, Ryuuzaki, should you not offer one of your own for what you have said to me?"

_"Would you parade yourself as a champion of justice while they ripped the flesh from my bones?"_

_"Would you wish my blood on your hands?"_

It wasn't so much what he had said, but what he didn't say that must've set Light off.

_"Would you like to be more succinct if this was to be an admission?"_ That had been a warning. A harsh, unfeelingly delivered warning, but one nonetheless. Light would have recognized that. He was angry because he'd needed that reminder to come back to himself.

It was such a cold and bitter end that Light had painted. Ripped apart by demons the one you cared for had set upon you. All for the sake of a justice he wasn't sure he believed in... Was this why Light had evaded his demands, why he had refused to be straightforward when L had asked him if he were Kira? He was afraid of being turned upon in the very instant of admission?

Or _did_ he care? It was a pretty assumption, but who was to say this was all not another trap, expertly set, to assure Light achieved immunity from L? With L's devotion secured, he needn't worry about being known as Kira?

L took his time, choosing his words carefully. This... _This_was the crux of all their confrontation... They both craved acceptance in some form. L felt he would never gain and hold that from an equal, whereas Light's deeds decreed he shut off all such desires because they were not useful to him in bringing about Kira's world. Kira felt guilt. He had branded himself unlovable to avoid confronting the fact that his actions had become so heinous that no normal person could bring themselves to look past it. He was merely donning a label before others could apply it themselves.

"I would always want honesty from you. You should know I value the truth, maybe more so than I value justice." _Working as a detective, it was always about truth and knowledge. I never particularly cared about justice. Justice, to me, was winning. Solving a case. That, in my eyes, was of more importance than a rusty, corrupt ideal. Justice is blind in more ways than one. Without all of the facts, justice is not only blind, but skewed and__**wrong**__._

Light's eyes quickened to his words, the subtext that to him was as good as clearly spoken. His face remained the boyish mask. Ide and Mogi remained alert and uncomfortable, completely ignorant to the true dynamic that was playing out.

L continued to speak on both levels, hoping to simplify what Light had complicated for him. "I apologize for making you feel as if you could not speak freely. That was never my intent. Though I must argue your methods of bringing this to air, as well as your allusions to my intentions."

Mogi gave L a hard look. "Are you saying he's lying?"

"I'm saying that I never tried to initiate anything of the nature Light-kun is referring to. And certainly, my motive for confining him was never more than a desire to serve justice." L amended in his head, _By "serve justice" I also mean "win". Light's father was making me feel defensive and angry and, therefore, quite competitive. If I killed two birds with one stone... that just makes me twice as happy and that much more productive._ L read a faint glimmer of amusement in Light's eyes.

"I never knew you cared so much for "_justice"_, Ryuuzaki... I could almost say I am moved by how admirable you are." L scoffed to himself. _Only you won't because what you are really saying is, 'my, you care about winning so much, it's rather childish.'_

"Perhaps that is why we get along so well, Light-kun?"

Light allowed a small smile to grace his face. It was still within character, but more resembled a true expression than anything thus far. "That could be."

Ide interrupted. "Wait, what do you mean 'get along'? I thought you were... upset, Yagami-kun?" Ide was trying to be delicate and understanding while not smothering the young Yagami's pride. Admirable, he supposed, if it weren't so imbecilic.

"Why yes, normally we get along far better with each other than anyone else. Surely you don't think it uncommon for two people to have a quarrel now and then?"

"Well, no. But..." Ide looked perplexed and a little put out. Mogi's crusading fire seemed to be dwindling as well.

"Ide-san, I apologize, but it seems I have dragged you and Mogi-san into a bit of a misunderstanding. It is one for which I could be fully blamed, and I take that responsibility. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for listening and being so concerned for my well-being."

Ide flushed a little and nodded dumbly. Mogi stood stolidly by, dipping his head in a curt, slightly embarrassed fashion.

Light favored them with a blinding smile, thanking them again - thus driving them to pack their things and bid a hasty goodnight.

"I am appalled at how well you keep them all in the palm of your hand," L said dryly after they left.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Ryuuzaki." _Ah,_ L thought, _wary of the cameras once more._ _You know I can erase them. You don't trust me even now? Or do you fear Watari may be privy to our continued discussion?_

"Hmmm... perhaps I am merely speaking from exhaustion," L relented with rolled eyes, to appease the brunette's paranoia. "Would it please you _now_ to call it a night, or must the stars align themselves further?"

"Let us go before your mood has a chance to sour and endanger us both," Light tossed out glibly.

L headed for the door for the second time. This time, Light followed. "I find that my empty stomach is more likely to sour my mood that anything else at the moment."

"How carefree you are, Ryuuzaki. Perhaps I should endeavor to be more like you?"

"Perhaps." The thought pleased him. "Were you aware that highly skilled detectives are more able to shape the world than even the most exalted of the police force?" _That should appeal to your complex, should it not?_ But is it too obvious? Is it a risk to express his desire to see Light's brilliant mind bent to more savory, and less massively illegal tasks? The hallway carpet was cool under L's bare feet.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say you were dismissing my chosen profession as an insignificant waste of time."

"But of course, you know me well enough to know I would _never_do such a thing." _You would be too good for the police. And you, like myself, do not care overmuch for authority and rules. It would tie your hands and cripple you._ "I would not put it past me, however, to suggest a better application of your skills when one is so obvious." L smiled and held up a finger. "Acting, for instance..."

Light cuffed him in the head. "I could say the same for you."

"Oh, but my skills pale in comparison to yours."

"Well, now," Light said silkily. "Isn't _that_ an interesting thing to say. I can't say that I would argue the fact."

L was alerted to the sudden change in voice. The banter had turned sly and seductive. He knew those tones. Intimately. Amber eyes sought his, burning with restrained intensity. L's heart jumped in his throat as Light steered him bodily into the shadowy alcove they had frequented with Misa not so long ago. The hum of the ice machine was a familiar sound. Their positions were reversed. Now L had his back to the wall and the brunette stood before him. Would Light try kiss him? _Calm. Calm down, L. Nothing is going to happen. We just barely got past a scene that was going to ruin any semblance of anything between us..._

"Do you want the truth, Ryuuzaki?" Light asked him, pressing close, but not touching.

_God, I actually want him to. I want him to kiss me. We came so close to a parting of ways - I felt that as clearly as anything - that it's like years have passed since we were so close...._

"Yes, I want it."

Light bent to his lips, melting his insides with the barest of caresses and pulling his soul from him in a steady stream. "Fool," Light said softly. "You ask for the truth and yet you always ask for so much more."

_And you ask for the universe, and all manner of impossibilities._ "Speak it, then, unless you are incapable of uttering nothing but falsehoods."

"Has anyone ever told you, Ryuuzaki, that you have quite the silver tongue?"

_Silver-tongued? You know that flattery and eloquent banter are not my forte. They are yours._ "You sound like you're wasting time."

Light's hand fisted against the wall, next to L's face. He frowned deeply. He had been stalling. "This should not be so difficult... everything is as much as said..."

"Is this in regards to you being Kira?" L asked helpfully.

Light glanced at him sharply and paused, debating. "...No," he said slowly. Cautiously. He waited a moment, but L said nothing, so he continued. "It is of a more personal nature."

_More personal than your orchestration of the biggest fraud of all time?_"I'm listening."

Light let out an explosive sigh and released him. He pushed off the wall, frustration etching his features. "Why are you being like this?"

L blinked. "Like what? I haven't done anything."

"My point exactly." Light started to pace like a caged cat, tail lashing. "How is it that you are so blase about this? I've _admitted_ it to you, and you haven't so much as blinked."

L let his annoyance filter into his voice. The Kira admission. "I'm taking it with a grain of salt, for now. Would you rather I make a big commotion and act like I hadn't known?" It was just like Light to fault him for something like acceptance when other people would have partaken of it gladly.

"That is just it - you_didn't_ know." Light's gestures were animated. Comical in a dark sort of way. Tragic. "You suspected me, but you could not be sure."

"So why admit it at all?" L snapped. "It hardly seems I am capable of a reaction you will be happy with." _Why admit it at all if it will only complicate things?_

"Dammit, Ryuuzaki," Light snarled. "It is not possible for you to be okay with this. It's madness to think so. Your conscience would not allow it."

_So, I was right. The guilt is crushing you. So much so that compassion and understanding is an unforgivable offering in your eyes. Will you lash out at me until I break and justify yourself in the cruelty of your actions?_"I never said I was okay with it."

Fear. For one moment, blank-eyed panic flashed starkly across the brunette's face.

Gone again.

"Well, make up your mind, Ryuuzaki." He sounded like a snobbish aristocrat, laughter burbling to accompany something unpleasantly spoken. "I can't very well have you sitting the fence on this one, can I?"

L ignored the threat. Light didn't truly see him as a danger... yet. "This still isn't what you were going to say to me before. I want to know what that was, and why that was so difficult to speak of."

"The truth?" Light said dramatically, the smiling laughter gaining force. "The truth, the truth, the truth...." Before L knew it, pinning amber eyes were swallowing his vision. His breath caught in his throat. No matter the situation, Light's close proximity had this effect on him. He shuddered and his mouth felt dry.

"You want the _truth_?" Veiled threats. Light's lids lowered as if he were divulging a carefully guarded secret. "I enjoyed watching your jealousy... your turmoil, your anxiety... your fear." He spoke softly, murmuring so close to L's mouth that he could have claimed it with the barest of movement. "I loved provoking you and chasing you. I took every opportunity. I took you against your will, and it_thrilled_ me." He laughed and it was hard to tell if there was mirth behind it or not. "This is the sort of being I am, Ryuuzaki. My true nature. _This_ is the sort of being you find yourself tied to. One you are right not to trust." The smile was like razorblades. "I could turn on you in an instant."

L flinched back. He tried to blink past the paranoia and fear that were clouding his head. If all of that were true, why was he saying it? What purpose would it serve?

Cold. He was so cold. And Light was warm where he draped across him, but he was so cold that his limbs were shaking and he couldn't make them stop. Light was voicing everything that had ever occurred to him. Every fear. Every doubt. Everything that had ever wrenched at his soul and made him want to run - run and hide away from the world forever.

Only... it didn't sound right. _Calm, L. Be rational. You have to always be rational with him._Too many things, details, clues got lost in the maelstrom of emotion. He couldn't afford that.

What does this really look like? This was unlike the brunette. All those things... it was as if ... Light was trying to drive him away because he felt he was not fit for, or was incapable of affection. The thought had occurred to him earlier, had it not? What if sex had been safely labeled as a conquest? This... this new turn between them, and the developing relationship was different. Seen as more than a conquest, it was dangerous. Was this behavior a rebellion against the emotional aspect of their relationship that Light had been avoiding recognizing as such? For all of Light's unguarded moments, and his constant "you can trust me more than anyone", he had never expected L to take him up on it. He had always had the benefit of emotional distance.

He had expected to have to fight his way out of here. He had always expected betrayal.

_Is that what makes killing so easy for you, Light? You have condemned humanity for the faults of a few? You imagine anyone aside from yourself to be worthless, not to be missed when they are silenced forever on Kira's whim? Is this how you sidestep your guilt? _

_How far you have fallen._

"Self-depreciation does not suit you, Light." The weight was heavy in L's chest. He could be wrong. _He could be wrong._ And wrong or right did not lesson the pain of hearing Light voice all of those poisonous words. This was an all-or-nothing gamble. Just as he'd always known it would be. To discover Light's true nature...

"Just as self-sacrifice does not suit you."

L needed something, to see his face, anything to have more input. The voice was not enough.

Light shifted, pulling back. His eyes were foreign. Narrowed, and closed off. Kira was surfacing. Kira was washing away the complications and making everything seem simple. Easy. Kira was his balm for guilt. Light hadn't been able to withstand getting his hands dirty for ideals that were supposed to protect people. He was not intact, and Kira was the result.

"Light." L feared the change in him. Stable. He was becoming less stable. Would he become _un_stable? Dangerous? L's fingers twitched. He spoke slowly and clearly to the mockery forming on the brunette's aristocratic face. "If you cut yourself off from me like this, there is no going back." He effused calm, hoping to still the progress. "If you become nothing but Kira, I will choose to turn you in, because there will be nothing of you worth saving."

Cold eyes flickered. Light was still in there.

"I could kill you where you stand, detective."

L started, but did not allow his voice to break form. It was crucial. "I'm sure you might try, but one-on-one violence isn't your preferred method." He was convinced that any aggression on his part would seal Light's fate with the emergence of Kira.

A chilling smile spread on the face that once was Light's. "Are you trying to tell me you have it figured out?"

"I believe you are using a notebook." This is a normal conversation, he told himself. Treat it like an average conversation. React to nothing. Show nothing. "And that you must have more than a person's face in order to kill them, which is one of the reasons I'm still alive."

"One of the reasons?"

L nodded. His dark hair fell into his eyes. He brushed it back. "Yes. Another is that you know I am not an active threat to you. Light had assessed this a while ago."

Kira was amused. "You speak as if we are not one and the same, I assure you that we are. Light is me, and I am Light."

"You seem largely unaware of certain things that Light knows, as well as the way he thinks."

A deep chuckle rumbled in Kira's throat. "A romanticized view you have of me, detective." Pale gold eyes assessed him, branded him a lower being, and openly mocked him. "It _would_ be easier to believe that Kira and Light are separate entities, wouldn't it? Easier on your conscience if you were not in love with a cold-blooded killer."

L blanched. _He knew?!_ But... Light had never let on to such a thing... This was merely Kira's supposition. Could this not be taken as affirmation that Kira and Light were split parts of a whole? Or was there a little part in each of them that was aware of what the other was doing and hearing?

Kira advanced on him, fingers sliding around L's throat. "I just _love_ it when I'm right," Kira purred.

"Not everyone is your enemy."

"Funny, coming from my greatest adversary." Kira's lips brushed his, another mockery, and the fingers tightened about his neck. Threatening. L's hand flew up, trying to dislodge the iron shackle of his grip. Kira squeezed further and L made a choked noise of distress. _Is it truly going to end like this?_Amber eyes roved his face, as if enchanted.

"I think I see what he sees in you..." Kira leaned forward, flicked his tongue against L's lips where they parted for air. "...beneath the surface..." Kira shoved him roughly against the wall and forced his way inside L's mouth, his fingers digging into the pale flesh of his throat.

The air was stifling, all of it too heavy and charged and pressing too close. Ill-will, power, and greed rode the air like disease. The wall at L's back was unforgiving, holding up staunchly as L's head and neck were ground into it. Kira's hold was brutal, life-crushing, but his mouth fed at L's almost like a lover's. More gently consuming as it possessed him with the trappings of such triumphant hatred...

L felt a tear slip down his cheek in a hot trail. Kira's kisses tasted like Light's, but they were bitter. Oh, so terribly bitter. His finger trembled over the keypad of his phone, hidden deep within the pocket of his jeans. One more button and he would have Watari and the authorities here in moments. A failsafe. A code that would spring a trap so tight that not even the formidable Kira could escape.

The question was, would he be dead before they arrived to help him?

* * *

TBC

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cliffhanger, i know. o___o

i am doing final edits on the next chapter. hopefully updating tonight or tomorrow.

look at me, ma, no CAPS! (i write sans caps when given the choice. though not when WRITING fics because that would be irritating and rather improper to boot. yes, i am prone to rambling. enjoy that :D) btw, it is looking like it will be 2 more chapters. usually chapters are 11-13 pgs but 16 is already at 17pgs. wow. even for a long chapter, it would be hella long. so i think i will stick by the estimation of TWO. (maybe three. no more than that, surely.)

things have certainly gotten tricky for our boys here.... yes indeed.


	16. Kira's Final Laugh

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 16: Kira's Final Laugh)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

**A/N**: Read this one through till the end. If you skip around, you will definitely miss things. (extra-long chapter ahead)

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

_"A romanticized view you have of me, detective." Pale gold eyes assessed him, branded him a lower being, and openly mocked him. "It would be easier to believe that Kira and Light are separate entities, wouldn't it? Easier on your conscience if you were not in love with a cold-blooded killer."_

_L blanched. He knew?! But... Light had never let on to such a thing... This was merely Kira's supposition. Could this not be taken as affirmation that Kira and Light were split parts of a whole? Or was there a little part in each of them that was aware of what the other was doing and hearing?_

_Kira advanced on him, fingers sliding around L's throat. "I just love it when I'm right," Kira purred._

_"Not everyone is your enemy."_

_"Funny, coming from my greatest adversary." Kira's lips brushed his, another mockery, and the fingers tightened about his neck. Threatening. L's hand flew up, trying to dislodge the iron shackle of his grip. Kira squeezed further and L made a choked noise of distress. Is it truly going to end like this? Amber eyes roved his face, as if enchanted. _

_"I think I see what he sees in you..." Kira leaned forward, flicked his tongue against L's lips where they parted for air. "...beneath the surface..." Kira shoved him roughly against the wall and forced his way inside L's mouth, his fingers digging into the pale flesh of his throat. _

_The air was stifling, all of it too heavy and charged and pressing too close. Ill-will, power, and greed rode the air like disease. The wall at L's back was unforgiving, holding up staunchly as L's head and neck were ground into it. Kira's hold was brutal, life-crushing, but his mouth fed at L's almost like a lover's. More gently consuming as it possessed him with the trappings of such triumphant hatred..._

_L felt a tear slip down his cheek in a hot trail. Kira's kisses tasted like Light's, but they were bitter. Oh, so terribly bitter. His finger trembled over the keypad of his phone, hidden deep within the pocket of his jeans. One more button and he would have Watari and the authorities here in moments. A failsafe. A code that would spring a trap so tight that not even the formidable Kira could escape._

_The question was, would he be dead before they arrived to help him?_

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 16:

Light woke slowly.

He was groggy, mind spinning in hapless nowhere circles. His right cheek was numb and cold. Concrete?

Cold. It was cold everywhere. He struggled with the monumental task of making his eyelids unveil his surroundings. Through the fringe of his eyelashes, he saw something that made his blood go cold.

A cell.

He was in a cell?!

Yet even this terrifying truth did little to make his body obey his urgent commands. Stand! Sit up! Something! The most he could manage was a half-successful lurch that both landed him back on his face and revealed to him the bound state of his useless arms. Everywhere hurt. He winced. That was the _other _thing he had so cleverly learned in that moment. He felt like he had been beaten with a flight of stairs. Multiple sets of them.

He groaned. Now that he'd taken notice, his discomfort was being compounded by nausea.

_Why am I here?_

_I don't remember anything..._

He shut his eyes as a wave of anxiety sloshed through him.

Where was L?

Dark eyes came to mind, shadowed by a sweep of dark hair. Those eyes that could be so expressive, so precious. Those eyes that could stare through him with the weight of the dead - bleeding through his confidence with their unrelenting, flat observation. Those eyes were not his, it was L's emotive eyes that he owned. The eyes that L gave him when they kissed, when they touched. Those dark, rich, drowning eyes. The others were part of a mask. L's hiding place. A place that Light could not reach.

Had L returned to the solitude and security that the castle of his mind afforded him?

His stomach roiled. _I don't know where I stand. This game of ours... have you discovered the way to win? Have I lost without realizing? _He shifted in his bonds, feeling the chaffed raw skin of his wrists protest the movement, grinding his teeth . He _wouldn't_. Despite everything, L wouldn't...

The dingy grey walls were a pallid observer to his denial and building hysteria.

Was this it? The final call?

Anger sizzled through the tired synapses of his mind. This can't be it. _L, where __**are**__ you?! _

Cold. Alone. Isn't this how he'd always imagined his end? Hidden away from the world he'd wanted to save, choking on the bile and blackness that had replaced his heart. _He wouldn't._ L was not cruel. Was he?

Light realized with a start that he'd held hopes for L. A tiny, pure flame of trust had somehow sparked within him, and he'd protected it, nurtured it, hating the fact that he even gave into such folly. No one deserved such trust. People by nature will ultimately fail. The only question is, how deeply you let them affect you, and how badly it rends you when it happens. It was foolish to let them in. Foolish to give them power. But he'd done more than let L in. He'd courted the other boy, pursued him and swayed him to engage in the most intimate of acts, wanting to bind them together. He, the untrustworthy one, had trusted in L's tentative smiles.

Pain tore at his chest. _Damn you. __**Damn you.**_

Exhaustion gave way to disbelief. Fear. Rage.

_Where are you?_

_The walls were closing in on him, collapsing. _

_I despise you!_

_The air felt too thick to breathe. Sweat stood out on his skin._

_Where are you? _

_Look at me as you kill me. L! _

_Don't leave me here alone._

_The world tilted crazily behind Light's closed eyes, one last frantic thought chasing him as he fell into oblivion._

_L... you__** COWARD!**_

---

_**2 weeks later...**_

L waited patiently for the car to arrive that bore Watari's granddaughter Emelia, fresh from England. That was the story, anyway. She spoke excellent Japanese. L fidgeted, looking around the bus terminal. It was teeming with people. He was grateful at the least that there had been no need for him to wait at the airport instead. That would have meant humanity pressing in at all sides, a thing he could do without. He despised their closeness. His skin would never come clean from the taint of their touch.

The black wire bench he inhabited was uncomfortable and thus, empty.

This official meeting seemed rather pointless, as they were well-acquainted. L loathed the outside world, but his instincts for preservation told him that this might be a necessary measure. So, he waited.

Buses pulled in and exhausted smoke in weedy, explosive sighs, expelling then their occupants in a sickly stream. Bags were claimed, people were claimed, some simply disappeared. The cars were fewer in number, but Watari had informed him of the model. It was also black.

There. Who knows how they had found such an _English_ style of car, and someone to drive it. Frivolous, if you asked him. He shrugged. It didn't matter.

The sleek vehicle pulled in abreast of the already parked buses, in an area designated drop-offs. L slunk to his feet, making a sour face as the feel of rubber soles offended his sensibilities, and made his way across the open-air terminal. It was bright outside, causing him to squint. He was both looking forward to this and not... being rather unsure of what to expect.

The car door opened and a tall woman stepped out, standing in one fluid motion. She looked exceedingly English, from the cut of her clothes, to her slightly broad shouldered build, to the gossamer brown kerchief over her wavy white-blonde hair. Even partially covered, it stood out very much in a crowd that was predominately Japanese, but they could hardly expect her to go brunette, and black just would not look right.

(("Emelia,")) L greeted in English with a small wave of a lifted hand. Said hand immediately tucked back into his pocket, and he resumed his slouched stance of waiting.

The blonde head turned, marked him, and expressed a look of delicate distaste. (("Hello, L. Good to see you again?"))

(("Did you have an unpleasant trip, Emelia-san?")) He switched to more formal, hoping to alter the tone of their exchange. There were rules to every engagement of social impetus and Emelia was no different.

She gave him a cavalier shrug and bent to pay the driver and send him on his way. The snubbing annoyed him somewhat.

Her single bag was the wheeled type, and bore an awful brocade of nondescript, overly large flowers that put L in mind of musty floor-length curtains. All of the colors were variations on grey. He popped the handle up and rolled the suitcase behind him, making his way to the car he had waiting. Let her catch up, if she was feeling so contrary.

It pleased him when he heard a muffled curse in Japanese, and the uneven staccato of running steps.

"Was that... necessary?" she huffed in Japanese when she gained his side.

L ignored the question. She would obviously dislike his answer. "Are you going to leave those on?" he inquired, referring to the large, movie star-esque sunglasses she wore.

"Yes, I would prefer it."

L was curious. "Why is that, may I ask?"

The lipsticked mouth frowned disdainfully. "If you must know, I did not have the time nor the inclination to make up my eyes."

Ah. That was a shame. He smothered the mirth that arose at the thought of it. "Did you receive the gift I sent you, Emelia-san?"

She scoffed. "The earrings? Yes."

"Are you wearing them?"

Emelia let out an explosive sigh of exasperation. "What do you think?"

L smiled infuriatingly at her and she muttered, "Of course I am, though I'm sure I needn't remind you my ears did not take the pierced variety previously." She swept her hair aside just enough to show one of the small, satiny silver titanium hoops, self-locking and with an ingenious little ball that spun freely at the bottom, impaled upon it.

"I do apologize for that, but I wouldn't want you to lose them."

She ground her teeth and formed a questionable smile. "How thoughtful of you, dear L."

"I do try."

Watari was behind the wheel of their own vehicle, but he emerged as soon as he saw them. (("Emelia, my dear, how lovely of you to visit."))

(("Grandda.")) She smiled at him and laid a kiss to his cheek.

(("How was the drive?")) the elder man asked.

She frowned slightly, behaving in a less acerbic manner in her role as granddaughter. (("It seemed unnecessarily long, and boring..."))

(("Ah, unfortunately, the airport that receives British flights is a good distance away. I apologize for the inconvenience."))

(("I hate to break up the reunion,")) L interrupted, (("but could we be on our way now?")) He had been patient for long enough today.

(("Is he always this rude?")) Emelia asked Watari as if he weren't standing right there.

Watari gave a pained expression, not wanting to be dragged into the middle of another argument. (("I wouldn't say rude, my dear. That is impolite, especially when L is so graciously seeing to your accommodations."))

Emelia turned to L. "I apologize," she said demurely, "I was forgetting myself."

L blinked at her, stunned to receive an apology.

Unfortunately, she continued. "I can't expect even _my_ Grandda to be able to smooth over the natural inclinations towards being boorish that one such as yourself has in spades. Even miracle workers have limitations."

L remembered just in time that he shouldn't hit a lady. "Just get in the car," he hissed.

She rewarded his temper with a jaunty tilt of her head and a curling smile. (("As you wish."))

Watari was shaking his head remorsefully, muttering under his breath. "It will never work. Heavens help us, it will never work."

---

"What are you doing?" L asked Emelia later that week, while not shifting his attention from the chessboard. "Knight to B6," he said as he moved a piece.

She was fighting her way into a tailored suit. "I'm getting ready to go out, and that was a careless move, really. Queen to A5."

L frowned. That _had_ been a rotten move. He placed her call, and moved his next. "And where is it you think you are going? Pawn to H3."

"Surely you have some sort of case for me to help you with? Some reconnaissance to be done? Unlike you, I am not content to molder away inside forever, even if it is a lot of trouble to do otherwise. Tower to H2."

H2? Oh, how _typical_. "Alright, you win." L stood up, vexation marking his face. "H2," he muttered. Pointless to continue on either front. He could read ahead and he was losing doubly. He took stock of his wrinkled shirt and evaluated the worth of its power to annoy before deciding to leave it the way it was. It was likely to be very irritating to his companion. Good. "Watari," he called out, "We are going out. The usual practices apply. I have my cell phone as well."

"Very good, sir, try not to kill each other if you would be so kind."

L scoffed. Like the danger was from himself. Well, maybe.

---

"You know, L, I think I am beginning to grasp the dynamic of a world-class detective's work schedule?" Emelia voiced conversationally. L waited for the second part he was certain would follow. "I never even dreamed it would entail such disorder and be so apt for slovenly, lazy people. Really, you hardly ever work unless the case is particularly interesting for you. Then, look out, you are all about percentages and probabilities. Why can you not treat every case with such care? You bullshit the easy ones."

L picked at the food on his plate. He was essentially done, but the shift in mood was holding him in place. Emelia had awful timing, as usual. "Why should I expend time researching when my initial conclusions are always right? Only the difficult ones are worth such effort and care."

"Like the Kira case?"

L stiffened. "Yes, like the Kira case."

"Remarkable how fast you came to the proper conclusion on that one, and yet you continued to throw everything you had at it. Were you so displeased by the thought of being right that you had to search for a way to be wrong?"

"This conversation is inappropriate."

The blonde pressed forward, eyes sharp. "Tell me things did not go exactly how you wanted them to."

"They did not. At the end..." L looked away. Futile was not the word. _Light... _if only he had not been so utterly divided in himself that Kira was strong enough to push him out. Kira being in total control had complicated everything. He'd panicked.

Violet eyes regarded him solemnly. "I'm sorry.... L... I don't know what possessed me."

"Please try to keep in mind that this is still difficult for me and have a little compassion," L clipped out. His voice then paled, "There are so many other ways it could have ended..."

"I said I was sorry." His companion's face showed frustration, then smoothed back into something more conciliatory. A truce was ventured. "I believe I get too caught up in my own inconveniences at times."

"I understand," L said mechanically. _For the most part, I do understand. But I don't like when you get like this. _"It is difficult for both of us, but something that must be borne if this is to work. Things are what they are and the only option is to deal with it."

"I know, I know. I did give my assent, after all..." Emelia daintily finished her whiskey and put the matter to rest with the decisive flop of bills on the table to pay for their meal. "Shall we be off? The gloom is choking me."

L took a deep breath, then slid out of the booth and followed the blonde outside.

---

_**2 weeks ago:**_

L's finger hovered over the button on his cell phone as Kira violated his mouth and slowly snuffed the life from him. One last digit. The call that would end everything. His head swam with the pressure at his throat. _He couldn't do it?_

He'd be killed.

But, by pushing that button, Light would be killed.

If that happened, could he live with himself?

His hand shook so hard it was very difficult to hold the phone in his hand, let alone keep its place over the correct number._ Light... I'm sorry. If I don't, Kira will break the world in two with his law. _Behind closed eyes, his vision swam black and red._ Now. I have to do it NOW._

Curiously, the pressure let up the merest bit. L's confusion stayed his hand. He heard a girlish gasp.

"Eek! S-Someone's already um, using this area, Martel, let's go to another."

"Don't be ridiculous. They sent us for ice, they'll think we were messing around on the clock if we - oh!"

Female voices. L tried not to imagine what they saw. He tried to pretend he wasn't there. Gone, suddenly, was the venom in the other boy's touch and the deadly closure of his hand. The mouth on his was now apologetic, warm, familiar. He felt himself sink into it, even as his heart fell to despair. Light's hand trailed lightly against his neck, bittersweet in its tenderness, concealing abused flesh from unwitting eyes. Kira, for the moment, was gone but in his wake he'd ruined everything. In a final, cruel blow - he'd designed his capture be the betrayal of the person dearest to L's heart.

_Light..._

"Hey," one of the female hotel employees whispered, not quite out of earshot, "I-I think that was the cute guy I was telling you about, Martel! Remember? The one that was flirting with me-"

"Minami!" the other hissed in desperation. "Shut up and go!" There were faint sounds of protest and scuffling as she herded her companion out of the area.

Silence fell like a dark blanket, thick and claustrophobic.

L's entire body tensed as Light slowly pulled back, draining the air between them of his heat and that certain quality that robbed L of his senses. Time was mired in sluggish sickness - in the acid pool of uncertainty. Each inch they moved apart drove the frantic pace of his thoughts. _Demon at my throat... which one will you be? Kira? Light? Do I still have time, or will I yet be forced to play my hand... _He prayed for it to be his friend in truth and not Kira swathed in the mimicry of familiar trappings.

Amber eyes like thick, cloying honey searched the dark-haired boy's face. "What's wrong with you, Ryuuzaki?" the tones were rich, but free of the heady, dark maliciousness that infused his voice when Kira was present. "You're acting strange."

_How long do I have? _L thought morbidly, trying to distance himself from what he might yet need to do._ Is this temporary? _Light was with him again - and seemingly unaware that anything had transpired.

_Will Kira resurface as soon as I've let my guard down? Or is Light merely a face that belongs to Kira? Have I been taken in by a clever facade, just like everyone else?_

"Nothing," L managed. His voice sounded unnatural to his own ears, more like the dry rustle of long grass shaken by the wind.

He ducked around Light and back into the hallway. He had to think. But there was no time. As soon as Light saw the raw marks that would be blossoming on his throat... _something_ was going to happen. Would Light's denial bring back the beast? He had to be ready for it. The situation had escalated past this little bubble they'd formed around themselves. Light did not know the true form of Kira. He believed himself to be in control at all times. He was woefully mistaken.

"Ryuuzaki," Light said again, trying to snare him to stillness by speaking his name. He was keeping up with L's hurried strides, but was unable to overtake him without running. Traces of hurt and confusion threaded in the false name, pulling at L's chest. Suddenly, the chain went taut. Light had stopped moving. He had to halt as well.

The brunette's voice was worried and turning colder, "Have you... changed your mind, then?"

L tried to keep his posture from becoming too rigid. He hated it, but for now, he had to lie. "No, Light, I haven't." This part was too difficult to enact. Would he have to deal a killing blow while it was Light's face turned to him in trust? Anxiety and regret scrabbled and clawed at his stomach. Fear was present as an undercurrent. He feared for his own life as well. "I'm just dreadfully tired for some reason and wish to sleep." _My mouth shapes lies. You'll see them. You always do..._

Light was suspicious. "You said earlier that you were hungry. Or had you forgotten?"

"Come, if you want to talk, let us first retire to our room."

There was a pregnant pause. "Very well," came the guarded reply.

Once at the door to their hotel room, L was careful to keep his back turned to Light, praying that the brunette's displeasure was not enough to invoke Kira. He felt exposed, the back of his neck prickling as he purposely left his flank unguarded. He matched Light in strength, but Kira was stronger than both of them.

The door clicked open, their entry accepted.

They stepped inside and L made a beeline for their shared room. He heard the electric charge and could smell the ozone seconds before Light's body crumpled onto the floor behind him.

A tremor of sickness moved through L. Despair. He shut his eyes for a moment, then spoke in subdued tones. "Thank you, Watari; I am sorry I had to ask you to do that." His voice did not sound like his own.

Early on, when Light was first to be chained to him, L had prepared another code. A simple one.

When receiving that code, Watari would, no questions asked, use the taser.

"Has it come to that, sir?" Watari said carefully.

The detective turned, and felt shame mark his face as his subordinate reacted silently to the sight of his throat. "We can no longer continue as we were. He must be confined." His mouth tasted of acid and bitter things. A slow, deep breath was a token gesture of calm towards the rebellion of his stomach. L steeled himself and looked upon the hapless form on the floor. It was too tragic. "Give me a moment, Watari, and then begin the preparations."

"Yes, sir," the older man said quietly.

L moved to Light's side, his heart constricting as he picked up a limp hand and looked upon the boy's face. Watari knew better than to ask if he was ok. L was sure the answer to that question was evident to him regardless. "I'm sorry, Light. This is all I can do for you at the moment." Light's bangs had fallen into disarray, highlighting his prone state with that tiny bit of disorder. L brushed the soft hair back into place with a tremulous hand.

_Soon, I must make that decision..._

Soon, the brunette would gain his senses.

From now, they must move quickly. "Watari?"

"On my way, sir." L waited a moment and looked over his shoulder to see Watari approaching with something in his hands. He knelt next to Light, out of his line of sight, and pulled a needle and syringe from a small leather case. Light was stirring.

L continued to hold onto the brunette's hand, turning it over slowly so as not to alarm him. Administering the drug was easy. Waiting for its sense-depriving effects, however, would take a little time. L struggled to keep his expression blank as those beautiful eyes began to flutter open. It was all he could do. He felt more upset and fractured than he ever had. His poker face was all he could offer the brunette.

"L...?" Light murmured, his eyes slowly focusing. A frown tugged at the corners of his sensual lips as he stared at L's deadened eyes. It ripped at L's chest, the vestiges of distrust and confusion appearing in his companion's gaze.

L bent down, brushing a kiss to his lips. "Sleep," he said softly, biding time. "You were so tired before, but now you can rest." He stayed close and in moments he could hear the delicate puffs of even breath, indication that unconsciousness had once more claimed the brunette. "Watari..." The silky cap of Light's hair blurred slightly in his vision. _It is time._ "Maintain this state until we have him moved."

"Of course, sir."

---

Outside the restaurant, L blinked, allowing his eyes to adjust between the different varieties of gloom. Inside and out. The day was particularly overcast, and L wasn't sure if he found it easier or more difficult to deal with Emelia when he could see her very purple eyes unconcealed by dark shades.

Not that such should matter, but it did.

Her face was expertly made up, which was to be expected, but the perfection annoyed him. They made their way south to an office building that housed opportunity for information gathering from the gossipy office staff. Emelia would handle that, much as she protested. They would be more apt to bring her into their fold than a dark-eyed, sloppy insomniac. Of course, perfection is what people always craved.

"You're doing that thing," Emelia said without looking at him.

L narrowed his eyes, and felt like batting her bouncy curls off her head. "What _thing_?"

"Oh, please let's not be obtuse about it. If you're so bothered, we can always throw you in a vat of makeup and pop you into some women's clothes and see how they respond to you."

"I'm certain that would only serve to make matters appallingly worse."

"In all seriousness, you could simply cover up the dark circles beneath your eyes and dress in things that weren't wrinkled if you were aiming to impress people. Perhaps that would be enough to be perfection in their eyes, though I find it foolish of them to be swayed by such trivial things."

"Sounds like a waste of time."

"It is. You're fine just the way you are, so stop sulking."

"I'm not sulking!" L said indignantly. "Oh, if only you were-"

"L?" a new voice queried. "Is that you?"

L froze. Emelia halted in the same step. They turned in unison, and L's stomach plummeted past his knees. Next to the cheerily waving Matsuda was the Police Chief, Yagami-san. Light's father.

L and his companion shared a glance. There was no helping it.

"Greetings, Matsuda-san, Yagami-san," L said in his best attempt at a normal voice.

"I didn't think you would still be hanging around this area, L," Yagami said stiffly.

L took a moment to compose his response. The clipped words pained him. "I am sorry I had to relegate all communications to Watari after the incident. I am also deeply sorry that I was correct, and that Light-kun had to be placed in confinement-"

"You are a bastard," Yagami spat. "I didn't even get to see him before they-"

L's head drooped. The Yagami family was not informed of the day the execution was to occur, nor were they permitted to see Light after it was carried through. They were to mourn their loss with no token of his physical existence. No body, no ashes. Yagami-san's hatred was palpable, and L could not blame him for it.

"I still can't believe you went through with it," the older man continued, emotion choking his voice. Recent times had not been kind to him. His hair had, more than ever, defected to silver and his face was haggard. "All for the sake of your _reputation_-"

Facing this man.... after he had effectively killed his son, was one of the hardest things L had ever done. His throat was dry, and when he swallowed it was like choking on dust. This man he had once, and still so greatly revered. To be looked upon in the way he was being viewed now was...

The words that L had rehearsed should such an unlikely situation come to fruition died in his throat before he could expel them. What could he truly say to _this_ man?

Emelia took that opportune moment to cough politely. All eyes turned her way. (("I'm terribly sorry to intrude.")) Her eyes were downcast as if she was horribly embarrassed. L knew that wasn't the case, but he was grateful for the reprieve he was being granted.

Matsuda flushed and garbled out an apology for not introducing himself and the police chief sooner. His English was atrocious, but understandable. For the most part.

Yagami, too, pulled himself together. He bowed deeply and offered his humblest apologies for forcing her to see such a negative display. His English was respectable. (("I truly am sorry, Miss...?"))

(("Call me Emelia."))

Meanwhile, Matsuda was looking quite smitten. (("Where from are you?"))

(("Britain.")) She smiled.

(("Eyes of yours very pretty.")) Matsuda said earnestly. ((Very pretty you are also. Remind me of someone.)) He looked wistfully sad for a moment.

Yagami looked at Emelia more closely. He frowned.

(("Is there something wrong, Mr. Yagami?")) she asked politely.

He shook his head, apologetic. (("No, it is nothing. My son...")) He paused. (("You remind me a little of him. He... was about your age when he- when we lost him."))

(("I'm so terribly sorry."))

(("I... thank you.")) Yagami collected himself once more. (("What brings you to Japan?"))

((I'm visiting my grandfather. He works very closely with L. Perhaps you know him?"))

((You must mean Watari. Yes. He is a proper gentleman. It was a pleasure to work with him."))

Emelia beamed. (("I'm so glad to hear that."))

The police chief spared a glance at L. (("We must be on our way. Take care of yourself, Emelia."))

Matsuda left more reluctantly, and by the time he finally turned around to walk away in earnest, Emelia's smile was cracking at the edges. "What lovely people. I can't say that I would miss not interacting with them."

L's head was throbbing. He hated encounters like that. One of the wonderful side effects of staying indoors was minimizing contact with such things. "Let's get moving," he said quietly, resuming the path towards their destination.

Emelia looked pensively after the retreating figures a moment before following L.

---

The information gathering went reasonably well. Curiously, by the end of it, their moods had reversed. L had managed to regain his equilibrium, whereas Emelia had lost hers.

"Stop it, L," she said through gritted teeth.

They were on their way back to the Parkway Hotel where they and Watari were currently staying, and L could not wait to be done with all of this. In addition, he greatly disliked doing the legwork on cases and had been reticent in complying to Emelia's request in the first place. He decided that some payback was in order and felt the most effective means to that end was to be extremely annoying to the blonde.

"Stop what?" He responded glibly. "All I said is that you did a fantastic job. You were very convincing. Even I believed your act."

A heated glare was the only reply.

"Still, it was amazing how much the man running the reception desk liked to flirt **so** excessively. It was uncanny." L was warming up to the banter. "I must admit, I was a little jealous." He noticed a slight reaction to that and decided to expound upon it later. "You had quite a crowd by the end. How many business cards and dinner invitations was it?"

"SIX."

"You should be flattered."

"Well, I'm not," she growled. "And if one more hand touched my ass, you can be sure-"

She broke off as they stepped into the hotel lobby, all marble floors and varnished mahogany walls, the echoing silence discouraging further speech. It didn't matter, L knew where that sentence had been headed. The lobby attendant nodded at them with a giant fake smile as they went by.

"Can't you ever stay in a less extravagant hotel?" Emelia snipped.

"But I like the convenience of hotel restaurants." The pristine carpet leading up to the elevator swallowed the sound of their steps. This was shaping up into one of their classics.

"You don't care about that," she scoffed. "Watari brings you all your meals anyway, you lazy ass."

"He also brings me my sugar, and the hotels I select are close to good bakeries to minimize his travel time."

"Feh. _Typical_. You and your damn desserts. I despise that about you. I always have." Violet eyes flashed in challenge.

"You find that to be a flaw?" L feigned surprise. "I think that it is one of my more interesting traits..." The elevator was taking its time reaching the lobby level. Emelia's heeled foot tapped out its impatience. L's smile grew with her increasing irritation. "In fact, lets go with that, shall we? I could name some of my favorites of yours? For instance, have I ever told you how impressive I find your height? It is rare for a girl to be taller than me."

"No," she said churlishly, wishing she could take off her sensible heels. "And I would rather you never speak of it again."

"How about my amazement with how utterly feminine you can be, despite yourself?"

A violet gaze leveled at him with malicious intent. "Not. Another. Word." The elevator doors dinged and slid open. Emelia stalked out.

"What, is it that time of the month?" L called after her, garnering indignant stares from the few onlookers.

"Bite me," she tossed over her shoulder and flipped him off.

L smiled. Emelia could be so much fun. Almost as much fun as... He shook his head, dispelling the thought, feeling a somber mood trying to overtake him. It wouldn't do to dwell on the past, or a future that would never be.

---

"Welcome home, Emelia," Watari greeted from the kitchenette as she entered the suite.

"Hi to you too, _Gramps_," she snarled, taking her shoes off with a small progression of hops through the hallway, chucking them into the room she and L shared with the force and finality of death.

L entered a moment later, albeit more calmly.

"Good evening, sir."

L dipped his head in acknowledgement.

Watari stopped him with continued words, and his manner. "I seem to have a rather feisty granddaughter, if I do say so myself." The older man was radiating disapproval and it wasn't regarding Emelia's behavior.

L sighed. "He can't help it."

"And you believe this is for the best? You know I question this entire thing adamantly. This relationship..."

"Enough, Watari." They'd spoken of this countless times. In the end, he'd suggested Watari either go along with it or terminate his service. The man had made his choice. L slunk off to the room of impending peril, ready to duck anything that happened to be airborne.

"I. _hate_. you," Emelia spat out immediately upon seeing his face. "I never even _knew _I could hate you this much. Every day, and in every way, I am simply astounded by how much I hate you."

L was placating. "I was just teasing you. A little." A lot, really, but that did nothing to help his case.

"Look at what's become of me! And it's all your fault!"

L dodged a hairbrush that was launched at his head. "But you agreed," he stated calmly. "It's hardly all to blame on me. Take a little responsibility."

Emelia muttered a string of obscenities and shoved him into a wall. It was uncomfortable, all that muscle straining to intimidate him to silence. But still, L couldn't resist the obvious goad. "You're pretty strong... for a girl."

Ignoring the taunt, the blonde shook him. "How are you going to make this up to me?" she demanded in a low voice, eyes flashing so familiarly. As if amber could be clouded by violet.

L shrugged. "You have _me?_ I should think that ought to count for something..."

"You insufferable little..." Emelia crushed lips to his, and it was like old times. The anger, the lust, the... Well, the lipstick was more or less new. He closed his eyes and went with it. His mind conjured a different face, soft brown hair. Eyes like glowing amber. _Light..._

"What did you just call me?"

L roused himself. Had he said something aloud?

"Did you just call me Light?"

"Er... did I?"

"I do believe you did." Purple eyes narrowed.

L looked away. "I'm sorry. It's still hard for me..."

A strong hand under his chin turned his face back. "Say it again."

"Light?"

"Yes, yes, I'm so sick of that god-awful British name you picked out for me. I want to hear my own name on your lips, not the fake one which is all I hear out of you anymore."

"But if we aren't used to calling you that and you can't respond to it without hesitation..."

Light pushed him back with a scowl, pulling the wig from his head and throwing it to the floor as if it were a dead animal. He wiped the remaining flush of lipstick from his mouth and kicked it. "I hate this godforsaken thing."

L gave him a diffident shrug. "I told you you could just grow your hair out. You'd have to dye it, of course-"

"NO." Light gave him a look that could liquefy glass. "When we are indoors, I want to be as much of myself as possible. I am not going to dye my hair, I am not going to grow it out long, and I am **not** painting my nails." Light flicked his fingers beneath L's nose in an antagonistic way and blew out of the room.

L slouched against the wall and let out a small, caged sigh. He knew it was hard on the brunette, this charade they'd concocted. It ate at the other boy's pride like acid. But, at the time, it was the only thing he could think of. He tried not to fault himself to heavily in his fumble that day - being dually choked and molested by the unstable incarnation of Kira had thrown him mightily off balance. Subsequent decisions were likewise affected.

The brunette returned several minutes later, resplendent with his natural amber eye color once again accentuating his intense gaze. His hair, slightly mussed from the wig was now perfectly arranged.

L smiled at him fondly. "You would make a fair redhead," he offered with mild ribbing, continuing where they left off. It wasn't what he intended to say, but Light was not always disposed to receiving flattery. But, really, L did love those golden eyes. To think they were so close to being extinguished forever... A sharp stabbing twisted in his gut.

Light shut and locked the door behind him. "Shut up. You know I'd still have to wear lenses. My natural color is too uncommon."

"Perhaps you are right. Though red and purple could make for a stunning combination." He pretended to be quite taken with the idea. Was it wrong to hide within the womb of this contrived banter? That he could ease the frail shaking of his soul by antagonizing Light in such a childish manner? Did Light find a similar comfort, or was he merely humoring him?

Light snorted. "You've just been begging for it all day." He tore off the brown pants suit he was wearing, then the white collared undershirt, disposing of them with an apt amount of disgust.

L couldn't help but feel this stage-play was a patchwork bandage to cover over the torn and ugly labyrinth of their mutually shattered trust. "What? I was good. I never once suggested you wear a skirt, even though you have the legs for it-"

Light shoved him onto the bed, straddling and looming over him. "I hate you more than any human being on this earth."

Had they lost the ability to be themselves? To be truly honest? He saw Light's true form hidden in his eyes, but access was not so easily granted. This ungainly method of interaction was the only path they were allowing themselves. He antagonized Light, and Light vented the debilitating force of his conflicting feelings. If it was love that they held between them, it was a blade that threatened to rend them both.

L played his role to a fault. "Wouldn't you just love having to shave your legs?" _At least they had some standing to build from. Anything was better than nothing..._

Light growled and silenced L with a rough, sensual kiss. It tasted of frustration, anger, and overpowering desire.

L felt his lids flutter as his body responded full force. Since this charade started, Light often vented his ire on L within the complicated dance of their courtship. Their lovemaking was like a battle - harsh, unyielding, intense. But Light would never take it far enough to really hurt him. It was just one of their many unspoken agreements. Light was not forced to cope with the emotional aspect of things, if they could do it like this. He could maintain the belief that nothing had changed. That L was utterly at his mercy. Powerless.

A breathless groan escaped his throat, hovering on the air as Light's touch bowed his back.

"Who's the girl now," Light spoke in his ear, "you horrible little bastard?"

L's cheeks flushed hot even as his face expressed displeasure in an etched frown. From these encounters, he did not always emerge unscathed. Light had a way of saying the most wretched of things, but in such a smooth, silky voice, that he might instead have been purring something quite suggestive in his ear. The name-calling was often uttered with the sly tone of a breathy 'I love you'. And yet the words were barbed. I love you, I hate you. Codes and codes, and more codes.

L dragged himself back for the anticipated retort. This process was such torture at times. "Does this mean I'm destined to be on the bottom until your charade is no longer necessary and you can reaffirm your gender identity?"

Light nuzzled at his neck, causing him to shiver. "I am not so weak-minded as that, but it is as good an excuse as any." His voice slid into a huskier tone. "I'll enjoy tearing you down every night and making you cry out as I possess every part of your being." Light bit the pale flesh beneath his mouth for emphasis, grinning unseen at the arch that bent the detective's back and his small cry of pain. "I love how you react to me," Light murmured. He pinned L's wrists above his head with one hand, and traced the slender body with the other as L struggled. Fingernails indulged, tracing pink lines on pale skin, causing L to shudder in response. "Beautiful..."

L's breath came in shallow pants. Light's attention to his flesh was almost unbearable. He methodically wrung out every reaction, every gasp, every cry he could possibly have held within him, and he did it with such infuriating ease! He-

Velvet heat impaled his cramping body with the slow slide of violating thrusts. Beautiful. Sick.

The clever heat of the brunette's mouth fused with his. Firm hands offered him solace, respite, then slid away again, holding his hips down as a tongue wound sinuously with his. Even now, his kisses tasted of corruption.

It was L's penance, to be defiled as thoroughly as possible. Light gloated over him, his pleasure adhering to L's exposed flesh like the choking iridescent sheen of an oil spill. Lovely and desecrating. Offering up his dignity to this boy was the demanded punishment for his teasing, but also for his treachery and his existence. And Light was intent on every shred.

At times like this, L could feel Kira licking at the periphery of Light's being. He could feel the cold of cruel eyes that took his measure and plotted to devour him. A fission of fear flickered through him.

His partner caught the emotion with a smile. Hands fluttered upon his flesh, pulling anguished pleasure from his core. "Amuse me some more, L," he breathed. "Like you always do." A great coiling was gathering in L's belly, his body constricting like it was about to explode. His heart lamented the twisted form of their flawed love. That such an ideal as that could become so grossly misshapen. Was purity of emotion an impossible, romanticized notion, never to be attained?

The brunette's hastening ministrations ceased at the pinnacle of their efforts, causing L's breath to shudder out of him as he tried to get his bearings and not focus on the anguish of stalled completion. Warily, he looked into the face of perfection. Light smiled down upon him. "Beg."

Discordance shattered through L's body. "No." Begging was one of those lines in the sand. A rule, if you will. One he had crafted for himself, and was not about to break. Though at the moment, he desperately wished to at least consider it. Pride warred with his ravaged, aching body.

Light propped his chin on a hand, his smile deepening and reflecting his amusement. "I can wait here all night," he said, trailing a fingertip along L's hip. "I don't think you can."

No contact and then such a feather-light touch... L's body strained and screamed at him. "I can do anything I put my mind to," he responded weakly. Light was not as unaffected as he maintained. His breath, while schooled into a semblance of normalcy was uneven. His smile also bore the faintest strain at the edges.

Light folded over him like a kneeling angel. "Beg me," he whispered at L's ear. "Beg me to touch you." L shook his head, his breath heaving within the confines of his ribcage. A feeling akin to panic was forming in the space between his lungs. "Beg me to complete you." L's body trembled about the hardness that so fully invaded him and swallowed his pride from the inside.

"Repay me, L," came the sweet, cajoling voice. It hid blades. "Repay me for those long, cold hours spent on the floor of that cell." His hips drove in against L's, making him cry out and shudder uncontrollably. L was up to his neck in tension, tears prickling his eyes at the intensity of it. He couldn't speak. Light spoke for him. "You brought this upon yourself, my dear detective."

A sensuous mouth played at his ear with teeth and tongue. They raised the hair along the back of L's neck, made him strain to avert his head past their hold. "You made me curse you, in that dark hole you kept me in. _You_ were the one that twisted me." A slender hand palmed his flesh, causing him to grit his teeth with the force of the grip. Rough strokes accompanied the words, "Now take me in and give me what you owe me. Let me taste your regret and humiliation. Surrender your pride."

L couldn't take it anymore. His body began to give way to the violence of completion. As it did, Light's hand fled him, and that sensation was replaced by the infinitely more intrusive feel of Light thrusting deep inside him, chasing their bodies into the final throws with the clashing of desperate hips. The brunette's mouth found his in time to consume his broken cry of release, and ride him down into the oblivion that followed.

* * *

TBC

Oh ho ho! I bet that surprised you!!

(Light in drag!!!!) Light was subjected to quite drastic measures in order to escape the whole pending doom of the "Kira thing". Poor guy.

If you were to go back through and re-read the parts with 'Emelia' in them, you will surely see Light shining through. Playing chess by memory - without looking at the board, drinking whiskey at the restaurant, and the exchanged looks 'Emelia' and L had before dealing with Light's father. L would never be able to interact with anyone else so easily. That was a clue. So was the fact that 'Emelia' reminded both Matsuda and Yagami-san of Light.

My apologies to anyone who had moments of thinking 'L! how unfaithful!!!!' My beta was about to gnaw my hands off while reading this chapter. Especially when L compares 'Emelia' to Light and saying that she was almost as much fun. What L was thinking of as fun is that he could harass Light extensively, and with minimal consequences (Light being limited by his 'role'). But L was also sad that Light will no longer be allowed out in public as himself since he is supposed to be dead. He wonders what could have been if only Light hadn't been Kira, if they wouldn't be able to go out together like this without the need for Light to bear handcuffs or wear disguises. He is sort of pining for a 'normal' relationship there.

So, yes. Light is alive and kickin'. I would never have him killed like that. This is a yaoi fic and, to me, the sexual tension falls off a bit when you kill off one of the lead boys. Again, I restate, this fic will have a satisfying ending. They will both be alive and together. Somehow.

**(On another note, I have the next chapter done, and the story still has more demanding to be told. So... yay more chapters?)**

**Reviews are love, people. **I'm not feeling the love.

Tell me you're still reading this? (And that you are not a zombie? I've had zombie problems lately. And they kinda wig me out.) I realize some of you reviewed umpteen years ago on an earlier chapter but......... if you can spare a few moments, tell me your thoughts on the current happenings? _Feedback is the necessity of improvement._ Plus, I gave you a sex scene. Cut me a break, yeah? -grin-


	17. Rules of Entrapment

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 17: Rules of Entrapment)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

**A/N:** Thank you for your feedback - positive, negative, etc. I hope this chapter clears up some of the questions (and loss of faith?). And, as an amendment to my earlier estimation of 'chapters left', I no longer know how many chapters this will end up being. Certain things have changed my projection, so for now, I will just write and it will end when it ends. :)

AND, sorry for the delay! My beta and I were on crazily clashing schedules and I JUST NOW got this thing looked over. Hot off the press, peeps.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 17:

Lain out next to L, thin sheet about his hips, Light spun the small ball on one of his earrings with a distracted hand. It was a gesture he had developed soon after acquiring them. He sometimes gave the impression that he dearly wished his fingers to have the power to crush the tiny thing - rendering the piece of electronics that served as his collar and leash null and void. Their style was such that they looked as much at home on him as a male as they seemed appropriate enough when he had to play his disguise. L had picked them carefully with that in mind. A part of him was sickly taken with the idea that his 'gift' had marked Light in a permanent way, by spearing the delicate flesh of his ears.

"I didn't expect to see my father today," Light broached the topic in a careful manner. Spin. Spin. His fingers were nimble and thoughtless upon the bead. It was nearly a nervous gesture, akin to the biting of one's nails.

Light never said much about them, though he seemed sullen in his oblique references to the alterations of his body. He also understood that such a thing would grant him certain liberties, and enabled the existence of their current arrangement. They seemed to L to accent the superior tilt of Light's head, and give the impression he was part of a rougher crowd. Like a beautiful and cunning delinquent.

"Did it bother you?" L asked.

"In a detached sort of way." Spin, Spin, Spin. "But his attitude toward you only serves to set off my temper."

L gave pause. He also did not care for the police chief's chosen treatment of him, but in this case his opinion was moot. Given the other factors, Yagami-san had every right. "Well, he does think that I had you killed. You cannot fault him overmuch for his behavior."

"What really pisses me off is that he could not tell it was me," Light complained, flipping onto his back in a huff. "Whereas _Matsuda_seems to have a natural radar for finding me out." His lips turned a wry grimace.

"That was probably just pheromones." L said off-handedly. "But isn't it nice to know he would like you no matter what gender you were?" _There is that taunting again, is it so integral now that I do it without even thinking?_

Light made a noise of disgust. "No, it's abhorrent." He wasn't playing the game.

Amber eyes slid to their corners, meeting his in grave seriousness. "Ryuuzaki..." He paused. "About the cross-dressing... While I see the necessity of it, so as not to be recognized in the outside world, I am at my limit." He sounded utterly calm and well at ease, but L could mark the tensing in his shoulders and chest. "Must we stay in Japan for your current cases?"

L blinked. This may be the first time Light had ever asked him for anything, in such a non-combative and acquiescent fashion. "Not really, though you know I had to stay for the final dissolution of your case. It was too momentous, too far-reaching to simply leave right after."

"Soon, then?"

"I'm sure that would be possible." He propped his head on his hand and watched Light's face. "I was thinking of Britain or France. Would you be agreeable to that?"

There was a small frown as Light regarded the ceiling. "I don't speak French."

"_Yet,_" L stressed. "It would be an easy thing for you to learn between cases."

"I suppose." The mild flattery smoothed the displeased crease that had briefly appeared between his elegant brows, soothed ruffled feathers.

"It would be easy to take you with me to England if you went as Emelia. We were thorough enough initially for the usual inquiries to affirm her arrival in Japan - which is why I insisted on you making the trip from the airport to the station as her. We have been seen out together."

There had been no end to the complaints Light had unleashed at the closeted escort out to the airport, and then back again as a female. On top of that, it was during that time that Light had been 'gifted' with the earrings. It had been slightly difficult to arrange, the police were largely more loyal to their own than to a renowned detective, but L did have a few people of whom he could trust. The piercer was simple enough matter - a large enough sum and they did not care to ask about the circumstance of their services.

Light was surely surprised when the driver produced the small package from L and the note. He recalled its contents quite clearly: "To my dearest Emelia, I hope my gift finds you in good stead. They may not appear to be of your typical preference, but that has been taken into account. Please enjoy them, and wear them always. There is not their like in the whole of Japan, and it would be a travesty if you were to misplace them."

All of it was phrased in a manner that would do nothing to harm the integrity of the plan, while conveying important information to Light at the same time. Light was to play Emelia to a fault, say nothing when the passenger beside him suddenly produced the tools that would make wearing pierced earrings possible, and he was to keep them in at all times of forfeit his freedom and his life. He would have realized immediately that the custom-made earrings contained some sort of tracking device and were the only reason L had allowed him out of his sight.

"Go with you to England? I do hope you are not about to suggest a false engagement as your backup story. In that case Emelia would be required to have regular appearances, thus defeating the purpose of leaving here."

"But it is an airtight-"

"NO. I want to go somewhere where no one will recognize my face **and** I can finally be in public without donning such a ridiculous getup."

"Then perhaps I need to give it more thought."

Light folded his hands behind his head, and closed his eyes with a snobbish expression on his aristocratic features. "You do that."

"I have a preference for France, but as I've said, Britain was the most direct and effective option. Could you not put up with it temporarily?" They could make the transition between European countries easily, it is the initial voyage from Japan that would be of the greatest import.

"How long?" Light did not sound agreeable in the least.

"One to two years."

"_Absolutely not._ Think of something else."

L sat up and scowled down at him. His eyes were still closed, and the commanding air he radiated with the ease of breathing was starting to get on L's nerves. "I don't believe you have much say in the matter," he said sharply.

Light sighed dismissively. "I would assist you in devising a more reasonable exodus if the like of that is proving too troublesome for you to muddle through..." L felt himself bristling at the other boy's superior and condescending attitude. "But I know you, and you would spurn my offer while accusing me of trying to work some sort of angle for my own gain."

"And I would be right."

"In part." His eyes cracked open, revealing the amber glow of his gaze through veiled slits. "My main concern being liberation from Emelia."

"You expect me to believe that would be all?"

"No, of course you would be foolish to think that. I _dream_ of being apart from you."

L frowned and felt it change the very make up of his features. The brunette was goading him, blatantly. L knew Light was just trying to get a reaction out of him, but it hit too close to home, touching upon old fears as well as current ones regarding the extent of the other boy's acting skills. Unhappiness radiated out from the core of him like waves of heat, spiking sharply when Light bestowed upon him a curling, self-satisfied smile.

L wanted to strike that face as much as he wanted to flee it. He tried to remind himself that these power trips were the only thing that grounded Light within his new captivity.

"Trying to rationalize me, L?"

"Of course not." As always, Light knew exactly where his mind was at. "I already knew you could be a bastard, I'm merely wondering if you are going to be worth all the trouble you put me through." _That and you keep sliding closer and closer to letting Kira shine from your eyes. He's infusing you more and more as time passes. Soon, there will be a reckoning. You think your freedom is limited now, but the way things are going..._

Light was quick to scent out the shift in his thoughts. His eyes locked on L's and he slunk forward like a large cat, posture humming with coiled energy, his attention focused full force.

L felt his breath cease while the hardened gold gaze ensnared him. He hated the trickling of fear he felt as he perceiving the subtle flair of Kira in the brunette's demeanor.

"What aren't you telling me, hmm?"

It was like being circled by a shark.

"Secrets, L, you know how I dislike secrets."

"Unless they are your own."

Light let out a soft, Kira-tainted laugh. "Of course, my dear detective, of course. That is true of anyone, is it not?"

"And what of the secrets you keep from yourself?" _Was this particular conversation going to play out now? What horrible timing._L was wildly aware of his state of undress and his distance from anything that would have been useful and in hand in this situation, if he'd had his preference. He eyed his jeans on the floor across the room. They were just too far.

"You are just too precious. So obvious..." Kira shone like an image superimposed over Light's face. He was not present in force, but this was the closest to it that he had been since that day. Then, like now, he had been at quite the disadvantage. Had he learned nothing?

Poisonous lips sought his. Played with him. "I like that about you, L... for all your skills, you cannot hide from me." They defiled him with their gentle caress and belied the sea of violence that bathed that corrupted soul. "And I love how hard you try."

Disgust and misplaced desire wound about him like a noose, fortified by his ever-present fear. Kira's sick words and games did their work well - he couldn't escape his own reactions, and Kira was lapping them up like the purest milk. Suckling on his indecision, swallowing his ability to act as moved closer to abusing his body. Staring at him with delighted, sadistic eyes.

Damn. _Damn._Why did he always fall to the other boy's rhythm, no matter which part of him held the reins of control?

Kira laughed throatily. "That is because you are weak." The killer stalked him, curling about him like smoke. "You are susceptible to me as a lesser being, though you are the most worthy I have ever encountered." Mocking him and praising him in the same breath.

_As if I need your approval! _L's eyes narrowed, anger cleansing his mind. "You really are a great conglomeration of Light's finest faults, amplified to an absurd extent."

Kira bowled him over suddenly, locking an arm beneath his chin to hold him in place. His grin was like razorblades, his voice slightly breathless. "Your impudence never ceases to excite my interest." L struggled against the crushing pressure of the hold. He wanted nothing of the excitement he saw flashing in gold eyes of the monster hovering over his prone body. "It is as useless as it is entertaining," Kira said silkily, "but it does put me in mind that I may have been hasty before when I toyed with taking your life."

"Is it too distasteful to say things like 'I was wrong' or admit that your decision to act or abstain was taken from you before you had a chance to decide?" L cringed as the words left his mouth, knowing after their utterance that they were a mistake, but unable to stop the flow of them in the face of this entrapment. He hated feeling so helpless.

"Are you trying to provoke me, detective?" That gaze flayed him open and spread him wide. "I would _not_ recommend doing so. My temper is rather volatile, as you yourself have surely noticed." A cruel caress marked his skin with pain and trepidation.

Engaging Kira on these grounds was like walking through a minefield. Light was the same in some ways, but logical after more conventional standards. With Kira, everything was a gamble. Innocuous comments could incite rage, and barbed statements might garner an amused laugh. _What was the path he needed to take to disarm this and throw Kira back into his shuttered cage?_

He jumped as the moist touch of a possessive tongue traced his cheek, his breath catching in his throat with a small noise.

Could he accomplish it _before_ Kira subjected him to his base desires? He desperately hoped so.

---

Light looked down in confusion.

His hands were bound before him, and those bound to his feet, and he appeared to be reacquainted with the rather hated slate grey of a nondescript concrete floor. The cold seeping intrusively into the flesh along the right side of his body attested to him having been here no small while.

He counted to 10 and tried to calm the feeling of disturbingly fresh deja-vu.

Although his brain was pounding an insistent tattoo against the back of his skull, he felt reasonably cognizant.

He wondered vaguely if this was the exact same room as last time while he waited for L to appear and tell him why the fuck he was trussed up like a turkey on a spit. Again.

He wasn't kept long.

This was no fancy holding cell like one he'd imagined the detective would wish to utilize. No speakers piped L's voice sterilely into the space, and no cameras were immediately visible. The door on the other side of the room opened without pretense.

From his angle of view, when L entered, he appeared to be walking upon the wall against Light's right side, parallel to the floor. This was incorrect, of course, as Light was upon the floor, and as far as he knew, L was unable to defy gravity to such an extent, but the impression remained and made him slightly dizzy.

"Hello, Light-kun. Do you know why you are here?"

"Do I look like I have the faintest idea, Ryuuzaki-_**san**_?" He hated when L switched into formal mode. It always made him feel like he was being judged, and his merit was going to be found lacking. Irritation bubbled within his chest.

"I have decided it is time for us to have a talk."

L sat on something behind him that Light couldn't quite make out. Light gave the slouched form a scathing look. "Does this little chat require this _precise_ setup?"

"That is irrelevant at the moment."

"Is that so? I find that it is of particular relevance to**me**."

"Stop complaining," L ordered.

Light fell silent, his piqued curiosity at L's strange manner overriding his discomfort.

"You are aware of the lengths to which I have gone to both fake your death and keep you preserved in secrecy?"

Light nodded.

"Then you will understand that I am deadly serious on matters regarding either?"

Again, Light nodded, wondering where the hell the dark-haired boy was going with this.

"Good," L said. "Now, tell me, what is your impression of Kira?"

Light felt one of his brows raise, and a scoff usher in his response. "Is this a trick question, Ryuuzaki?"

"Don't mock me," L barked out. "I am not in the mood. Answer the question."

_But what other sort of question could it be?_he thought in confusion. _Kira isn't anything but a name that was given to me by the people who believed in my work._He decided to bargain."If you would tell me where exactly I am, I will endeavor to try." He felt L was overextending himself in his harsh manner and would not maintain it long in the face of civility.

"Very well. You are in one of the boiler rooms in the hotel basement."

"It must have been difficult to bring me down here without notice."

"I have my ways," L cut him off, patience fraying.

"I fail to see the import of this, but Kira is nothing but a title."

L was silent for a long time. "Is that your true answer? Have you thought about it - not in terms of what you expect, but in the fullest detail?"

"L, what do you want from me?" he mumbled under his breath. L was obviously trying to lead him with this questioning, but he had no idea what it was the other boy wanted or needed to hear. It made him uneasy.

"Do you recall ever having periods of missed time?"

"What, like how exactly you managed to wrangle me down here or what I possibly could have done to deserve it?" Light said sarcastically.

"Yes."

Light flinched at the severity of L's tone, and what the seriousness of it meant for him. Missing time...? Of course his memory was not entirely flawless, but something like that would not have gone without his notice? Suppose it had, though... what significance would that bear? Something he had done, while unaware, that L was treating with such militance...

"You were displeased that I would not agree willingly to the Britain plan," Light mused aloud. "But this seems a disproportionate reaction to that. Also, I remember the conversation, so I suppose I am at a loss." He kept his voice subdued, a request that this not be taken as a response made in defiance.

L stood. "Perhaps you need more time to think it over."

"Wait!" Light scrambled to wrench his body upright, as L walked to the door. "Ryuuzaki, wait, please. I'm trying to understand, truly."

L paused at the door, head ducked, all the lines of his body echoing his inner displeasure. After a time, he turned and made his way back to Light and knelt in front of him. His dark eyes were grave and gave nothing away. This was a new version of the blank face he used as a mask. _When had L had time or cause to craft another?_ He felt shaken.

L stared at him with omnipotent eyes, projecting a presence that was as far from his normal self as a stranger's. L was more tightly guarded than he ever had been. The disconnect between them was immense. This was the embodiment of L, the mastermind detective. This was the impersonal L that everyone saw, respected, and even feared. There was no emotion in this machine to appeal to.

And yet such a being was withholding judgment. While formidable, what knelt before him was still nothing but a persona. He knew the real L.

Something must have happened. L was not one to play games of this magnitude.

"You are implying that I may be unaware of certain periods of time," Light said carefully, waiting for confirmation before continuing. He had to think about this in broad terms and not the unrealistic nature of it. Suspend reality, at least long enough to get out of this cage. There, perhaps, he would encounter L in truth, and not this hollow shell. "And you have asked me of Kira, whom you are well aware is nothing but an alter ego."

"That is where you are wrong, Light-kun."

Light tried to dismiss the stab of annoyance at L's persistently formal address. It had to be that he was extremely bothered by this thing, whatever it was, and he needed the perceived distance formality afforded him. "Wrong, how exactly?" _When have I ever been wrong?_

"Kira is more than an alter ego by your definition of it. He has attained autonomy."

"What are you talking about?" Light spat, unable to curb his reaction from such foolishness. "That is preposterous. I have and always will be in full control of my faculties, and that you would dare to say such a thing - what are those?"

Silently, L had pulled his shirt over his head to expose a rather impressive array of marks that covered his once flawless torso. There were so many... Light reached his bound hands out to touch the pale skin, to affirm what his eyes were telling him. Abusive tracks of teeth, nails and a suckling mouth were etched across his flesh. A flicker of queasiness licked at his stomach at the same time a small thrill raced sickly through him._Good god._

Light's mouth was dry. "I did this?"

"Kira did."

Light raised his eyes to L's with effort. They were blank and shielding hard. "What aren't you telling me, Ryuuzaki? This has happened before... this or something like it."

"The instances were gradually increasing in frequency and intensity, though they were dormant for a while after the initial confrontation." L spoke as if he were telling him the molecular makeup of regulatory and effector synapses, utterly distant and unaffected.

"I don't remember the circumstances leading to my last confinement several weeks ago. I remember speaking with you in the hallway, and then I woke up here, feeling like hell. What happened?"

Unconsciously, L's hand reached up to his own neck and rubbed at the skin as if relieving discomfort.

"And you kept me here for days, without once making an appearance. I always wondered about that -"

"I couldn't let you see the marks."

"What-" Light took a calming breath and schooled his tone back into one of restraint. "Please, just say what you mean succinctly, and try to abstain from ambiguity. This is difficult enough to follow as it is."

"You tried to strangle me." L dropped the line bluntly, but it hit Light like a smack to the face. "Or should I say, Kira did."

Light blinked rapidly, a threading of panic beginning to entrench itself in the maelstrom of his chest. "No..." If that was possible... not only was he a danger to L, their agreement was a farce. He could not guarantee any sort of action or inaction if he was not even aware of himself. Missing time? Had that happened so fast that he would not have even noticed a gap in their interaction? But L had been acting strangely that day on the way back to their hotel room...

"You were interrupted by chance as two hotel employees happened by. During that time, you reverted back to yourself and had no recollection."

It was foggy, but Light was remembering something felt amiss right as they had entered the apartment. After that, he'd woken up here in a well of confusion and pain.

Compassion flickered in dark eyes. "You were knocked unconscious and were administered drugs. Your body was sore from the involuntary muscle spasms induced by the electrical current."

"You used a taser on me?"

"Yes, as I did today, but not before sustaining damage and considerable duress. I was caught off guard."

"_Fuck_," Light groaned under his breath, holding his head in his hands as the magnitude of the entire thing hit him. The near fetal position he now maintained was not lost on him. This was... untenable. It was only his trust in L's staunch aversion to mind games in general that made this even seem possible. He had no reason to fabricate this, nor had he the inclination to mark his body in such a way - especially when physical contact with another person would be required to make those exact bruises. His mind stuttered at the ramifications of this. L's desire to keep him alive and nearby would be severely hampered if he were exposing himself to harm at the same time.

"Light."

Light looked up, feeling his face twisted in aggrieved lines that he could not unset as it left his hands.

"You realize this is hard for me. Especially after everything that has happened."

_No. No, no, no._

"I need your permission."

"No," he said hoarsely.

L's eyes bled to a semblance of their normal expressiveness. They held sorrow. "I have suffered enough at your hands. Yours and Kira's. The least you could give me is the means to protect myself."

"By assenting to my disposal?"

Surprise flickered brightly in L's eyes. "What? No. No, I could never - Well, that much is obvious as you are still here even now."

Light squashed the hope that sprang forth unbidden. Was it not as dire as all of that? "What are you asking me, then?"

"You are unaware of Kira's movements, as I have said. I want your permission that if need be, and there is no other alternative, that I may protect myself. The stun gun seems the least damaging option, and is typically easy to maintain on my person."

"Are you suggesting we continue on as we have? Are you insane?" Light wanted to smack himself. He needn't second-guess L's decision to keep him alive, that was _truly_ insane. "Not that I am complaining...." he added hastily.

L looked at him mutely for a long moment. "Maybe I am insane," he said softly, looking away as he rose to his feet. Light thought his entire body looked tense, just one more indication of how strangely the dark-haired boy had been acting since he set foot in the room. L paused, his back turned. "I'll have to ask that you remain here a little while longer..."

Light almost tried to stand in his surprise. "What? For how long?" The bindings bit into his flesh, an unpleasant reminder of how deeply indebted to the other boy's mercy he was, and how little he could act on his own.

_'Have you... changed your mind, then?' _The snippet of conversation floated back to Light unbidden as he watched L's shoulders move slightly with his breath.

_'No, Light, I haven't,'_ returned the lulling lie. The lie that led him so trustingly into betrayal. _'Come, if you want to talk, let us first retire to our room.'_ It was a figment of his mind that he could smell the dry, acidic odor of the taser's discharge. He was being unfair to L - he'd had no choice. Yet, he felt justified in his conviction. If L had only been honest, instead of always _hiding_ things from him! Always deciding for himself what was pertinent, what information he would give others access to...

Light made a small noise in the back of his throat as a sudden stream of rage blurred his vision into double.

Red. Seething. Foreign.

It made his head pound as it flared.

Light doubled over as it licked around the periphery of his vision, sweat breaking out on his skin as he tried to push it back. Cold sweat. Like the sweat of sickness.

Just as suddenly as it began, it stopped.

Light blinked cautiously, tensing against the expected pain, but none came. He uncurled from his tucked position as much as his bondage would allow. Bondage... L... He looked up, but he was alone. When had the other boy taken his leave?

"He won't leave me here too long," he said quietly, tired of the echoing silence, and settled down to wait.

---

L stood frozen, back pressed against the door to Light's room, heart beating so hard it felt like it would burst from his chest. He closed his eyes in the dimness of the hallway. _I guessed wrong again..._

His body ached from the marks Kira had made upon him. His flesh felt raw, abused, and so tainted it would never be free of the devil's mark again. Even a glimpse of cold gold eyes, restraints notwithstanding, were enough to set him in a panic. They had the ability to bore and tear into him, to deliver palpable promises and threats with the delicate pinning of their unforgiving black pupils, to gloat over him with the gentle curve of a furtive smile.

It hadn't been a true test - not really. He'd had just wanted to see if Light perceived the original misinformation and how he might receive the amended truth. He hadn't even expected a reaction. At least, not one such as that. Light had seemed so wholly himself before. So distraught...

_'I'll have to ask that you remain here a little while longer.' _

_'What?'_ Light had sounded so young. So vulnerable. _'For how long?'_

_'Just long enough for me to make preparations,'_he'd responded to the boy behind him. Then, for no reason he could explain, his back felt exposed, the skin tight between his shoulder blades.

_'What sort of preparations?'_ The voice was merely curious.

_'I may have misled you earlier, Light. We are not in the hotel at all at this moment, so...'_ L turned, somewhat apologetic and completely unprepared for Kira's face to be leering up at him so powerfully from Light's bowed body, as if the corporeal could not contain him.

_'More lies,_Ryuuzaki_,'_ he said sweetly, twisting the name Light always used. His eyes stripped L slowly with their intensity. _'And here I thought I'd broken you of that.'_

L swallowed with difficulty, trying to blank his mind from the day's earlier events. He truly had endured much before he'd had the slightest opportunity to make a dive for the taser hidden in his jeans. He shuddered slightly, and turned an empty face to his captive.

_'We come as a package deal, detective,'_ Kira murmured, holding his gaze. _'Where one goes, the other must follow.'_

L wanted to retreat, to ignore every word that was spoken, to say any number of things in response, but he could do nothing that might imply weakness. Kira exploited weakness like he was savoring a rare delicacy. _'For now,'_ L replied in a deadpan voice.

_'In the meantime, I'll just have to enjoy watching you struggle, never knowing when I might be the one close to you instead of him.'_ Kira's words rolled over his skin, slick and suffocating.

He steeled himself, showing nothing.

_'Does that mask actually work on anyone, L?'_ Kira smiled engagingly. _'I can see you positively trembling beneath it.'_

L unclenched his hands from where they rested against the door and took a bracing breath, trying to erase the echo of mocking laughter from his mind. This was becoming more complicated than he'd ever thought possible. Preserving Light was so much more than keeping him alive. His psyche had become hopelessly tangled in the face of power, and making him whole again would prove the biggest challenge he'd ever faced.

* * *

TBC

**A/N:** There will not be a sequel to this fic after its completion. (I'm 98 percent sure.) I also do not have any future plans (or plot bunnies) to write more Death Note stories. Not that I wouldn't like to, but ideas are a must.

I promised a ton of people I would write this Gaara x Naruto story I've had kicking around in my head for some time now, so that is likely my next effort. Plus, it is fun for me to write mentally unstable characters! And Gaara is most certainly _that_. But, we'll see what's what by the end of aBfSF.


	18. At A Safe Distance

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 18: At A Safe Distance)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

**A/N:** Sorry, sorry! Lateness was due to another scheduling clash with my lovely beta. I will try and have her finish the other two chapters I've written ahead, so the long wait (oooooh the waaaaaiting!!!) will not happen again.

Read, Review, have a complementary baked good of your choice. I'm stocked. The world is your oyster! Nom Nom Nom.

_(Technical note: FF has decided to eat some of the spaces in the sentences. Know that the beta was not at fault here, and that I have attempted to fix those annoyances. FF, you damn hungry beastie. Leave the pr0n alooone!)_

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Chapter 18:

"Sir, is something wrong? You haven't touched your sweets all morning."

L picked up a cinnamon raspberry scone and halfheartedly took a bite. "I'm just distracted, Watari. I'm fine. I need time to think." L swiveled his chair and stared glumly at old video taken when the investigation team had still been working on the Kira case. In a fit of obsessive compulsive behavior he'd decided to comb the old tapes for anything that might give him an edge in his present situation. How long had Kira been a separate entity? Was it only a recent occurrence? Or was there, perhaps, evidence of the personality forming from the very beginning? Would he see the obscure clues to it this time since he knew what to look for?

_I should watch the first encounter I had with him..._

L looked over his shoulder to see Watari watching him with concern. _But I cannot, not with him here..._

"Is there something I can do for you, Watari?" he asked the white haired man.

"As a matter of fact, sir, you can."

L waited a moment, before prompting him out of impatience, "And that would be?" He really felt the need to go over the video of that night - the one where Light took the first steps in pressing their odd relationship. The first time L had begun to feel trapped by the other boy.

"First, I would like you to actually eat that." The older man pointed to the scone L had abandoned on the table next to his keyboard. L frowned at it. He was not hungry. He often felt he couldn't be bothered to eat when his mind was humming at full speed, gnawing desperately at one thing or another. It was too troublesome.

He picked it up and took another tasteless bite. "What else can I do for you?"

Watari frowned. "To be honest, sir, I would like you to give up this notion you have that you can contain and control one of the most vicious and intelligent serial killers this world has ever seen. No doubt you are the only person who would have the barest chance of success... but it is too dangerous. His mind is never still, and I think it is foolish of you to think he will owe you any allegiance for saving his life. It is only a matter of time before he finds something to twist to his advantage-"

"Are you finished?" L said flatly, cutting him off.

"I... I suppose that is all I wished to convey, sir."

"Then leave me. I have work to do." L turned his back on the man that had watched over him since he was young. His words had stung with the bite of truth they delivered. But he was not of a mind to hear it. He knew all of that already. Watari was the one that was in the dark. If he had any inkling of the things that had transpired between himself and Light, L had no doubt Watari would pull his trump card and have L restrained and dragged back to England. Their organization would have him then, and his freedom would be at an end. It would be little better than being their pet brain. Just another mind to help form and guide the young ones that would eventually take over positions such as the one he occupied now.

_Damn you, Light._ In every area, I have no quarter.

L bit his thumb and chewed harshly, the pain alleviating some of the tension settling in his shoulders. And Watari was right to doubt him. He would never have guessed he would flirt with danger to this extreme. It bordered on insane. But his choices were limited. He could not bear to extinguish Light. Watari must not find out the truth of everything. If he did, not only would L be taken back to Whammy House in metaphorical chains, but Light would, without a doubt, be executed for real.

_Damn you, Kira._ _If you weren't so well-formed, this would not be such an issue._Part of him wanted to wash his hands of this entire mess. To give himself an escape from the fear that lashed through him at even the thought of Kira's presence. But Light... he couldn't and wouldn't abandon him. It was not really an option. Maybe it never had been. He was in too deep to ever try to save himself.

"Sir," Watari broke into his thoughts, surprising him. He was still here? "I think it best that you know I am foregoing judgment on the current situation, not because I feel your choices are unbiased, but because I believe you are doing what you feel is necessary. And, partly, because I feel responsible for the inception of this... thing... with my previous carelessness."

_He's referring to the time he let Light into the hotel room against my express orders._ _Even if that had been avoided, eventually the outcome would be the same. Sooner or later, Light would have found his way to me. He's too clever and focused. __I was in trouble the moment he targeted me._"It is alright. What's done is done. I do not blame you for that -"

"I blame myself, sir. I should have realized that your extended interest in another person would yield such consequences..."

L's brow furrowed and he turned around to face his mentor. "What - exactly - are you trying to say?" _Am I that unfit for human contact?_

"L, please understand. You are like a son to me... I was thinking only of your happiness. I thought that in confronting your desire for contact, your interest would flag and with it, your obsession. I wanted for you to be able to focus on work again. Everything about this last case has been all wrong."

L's frown deepened. It really would be moving if Watari truly thought of him as one of his offspring, and harbored a familial fondness for him, but... to say that as a preface for wanting him to erase distractions and get back to work? "I agree the Kira case has been unprecedented," L said cagily. He never really questioned Watari's allegiance to him before... but thinking on it now, he supposed that Watari's first priority would have to be their organization. It saddened him to realize he'd taken a lot for granted. Was he this alone in the world? That his only place to belong was in the arms of an equal that harbored death in his soul?

"L, I want you to know that you can talk to me. About anything."

_And that might well be a lie, my old friend..._"I have nothing that I wish to discuss, but thank you for the sentiment."

Watari smiled. "You always did prefer to do things on your own." His expression grew serious. "Lawliet. I will help you as much as I am able. I watch over you, but there are those that watch over the both of us. You are undertaking something that will make them question both your motives and my silence. If things go too far, I will act with the intent of saving you. I will not let a human monster destroy you. Even if that is what you want."

L blinked at him blankly, his mind teeming. He'd suspected much of this, but to hear Watari voice it.... They were watching, but their attention was lax. That may not remain the case. If they ever found out that L had faked a public execution, and remained with the murderer even at his own peril... It would not be pretty.

"I beg you, sir, do not let this get out of control."

Watari's earnestness made L feel like suddenly and inappropriately laughing. It was spiraling out of control at this very moment. "If Light-kun were proven to be an asset, another intellect to be bent to our organization's will, they would not condemn his preservation."

"Perhaps not..."

"Then that is my aim. I will do my best to convince him that this will afford him the most freedom that we can offer. Though I am sure you have noticed his temperament declining as his confinement continues?"

"I have indeed," Watari said reluctantly.

"Part of that is due to his inability to be parted with me. Sustained contact with another human being, indefinitely, is enough to drive most people to insanity. I think it would be good for everyone involved if we have you take over, and teach him what he will need to know in preparation of our move to England."

"If he were of a mind, I would not be able to protect myself against him."

"He has no cause to harm you, Watari. Even so, I have accounted for that unlikely scenario. I will take turns with you, of course, so that you may sleep and have time to yourself, but I will ask you to take the majority of the task."

Watari frowned, but nodded. "In exchange, I really do wish to see you eat. You are becoming thinner than normal, sir. It worries me. Only things of great magnitude put you off your food, and that makes me hesitant to accept your assurances."

"You know me well." L had more that he would have liked to say, but simplicity was best and helped avoid additional probing.

"You are not physically involved with the Yagami boy, are you?"

L smothered the flair of anxious surprise that surged up through his stomach. "I've told you what happened that day you went against my orders..." he did not want to lie to Watari. Lies were easier to detect than a swaying around the truth.

"Yes, but... I meant a _continuation_ of such things..."

"Would I have cause to continue in something I always found to be a blatant waste of time? Watari, you know how I feel about closeness with other people."

"I do, sir, but where he is concerned, you are not yourself. I'm afraid that physical intimacy would cloud over even your judgment as well as giving him a tool with which to manipulate the situation, were he to successfully seduce you."

L decided he did not like hearing such utterances from the very proper British man he grew up with. He did, however, have an extremely valid point. "It is nice to know that you are certain I would fall prey to a boy's advances without much adieu," L said with his mouth twisting in irony.

"He is an attractive young man, so I see it as an entirely possible outcome. Though with a mind such as his, I believe that you would feel drawn to him no matter what he looked like or what gender he happened to be."

"Watari, I do have standards. I'm not going to be sexually interested in just any genius that comes my way, no matter how exquisitely brilliant they are."

"That is not true, sir; You have never before had need of a set of standards as you do not display intimate inclinations towards anyone. Your fixation with Yagami is the closest to that I have seen you come. I was concerned."

"I appreciate your concern, even though I feel it to be unnecessary. But really, I must get back to work. I have several things I want to wrap up and then I want to continue with the Buhrghur case. With you occupying Light in the coming days, I may even have time to complete the auxiliary cases my primary contacts would have me take on."

"That would be good, sir. There have been inquiries as to our lack of productivity of late."

L stuck out his lip in a mock pout. "Are super geniuses not allowed a holiday? Especially after such a wearying case as the last one? Is it really expected that we work ourselves to the bone around the clock?"

"It would appear so," the man said with a kindly smile. "Now finish your scone and I'll let you get back to work."

L nodded, picking up the scone and taking a bite as his eyes returned to the monitors. He fiddled with some statistics and data he had on screen for the Buhrghur case for several minutes, making notes here and there, until he was sure Watari would leave him be for the remainder of the evening. He then chucked the half-eaten scone in the trash bin and flicked the screens back to the old footage, leaving one small window open to stream live footage from where Light was currently being kept.

Multitasking pleased him in a way little else did. When not fully occupied, his mind ran at a breakneck pace just trying to keep itself from destructing in a fit of insular boredom. Multitasking was relaxing.

However, this particular instance was, perhaps, less so. L began to gnaw gently at his thumb as he watched Light pace in the room they used to share. He was, no doubt, bored and would likely be angry when he realized things were going to change. It wasn't like there were a plethora of options at L's disposal. He needed distance from LightKira, or Kira as it were. Especially after that last engagement. L scratched distractedly at his stomach, thinking how lucky it was that his damaged skin was for the most part hidden beneath his baggy, long-sleeved shirt. If Watari knew everything, control would be wrested from L's hands.

L guided his mind away from that night.

If he were to dwell upon that experience, his limbs would began to shake and his mind would grow unstable with the rattling of his emotions and his very visceral fear and dread. Was he lucky that what he suffered was the extent of his damage? Was Kira feeling benevolent during his violation?

_Kira_... his conquest was perhaps enacted partly only to destroy what L felt for Light. For the sole purpose of entertainment? L frowned. It was unclear. If not that, then Kira in some way desired him, and enjoyed his sadism for an entirely different reason.

It did appear that the latter was more the case, but L quailed at the admission of such a possibility. What would Kira's amorous attentions entail for the hapless person subjected to them? Was it ultimately survivable?

Motion caught L's eyes once more and he continued to watch Light's agitated strides. He regretted his inability to act normally towards the brunette after being in Kira's tender care. It had been all he could do to act calm and unaffected. Logically, Kira and Light were two different people, but they shared the same face. Being human, L found it profoundly difficult not to see one reflected in the other at any given time. Light was within Kira, even as Kira defiled him, just as Kira lurked within Light even when Light was at his most vulnerable.

_How do I make you whole?_

Pacing. Pacing. Like a caged animal. Light's lean body carried tension in every muscle. He was restless. He was wondering why L kept disappearing. He was angry at his loss of control over Kira. Certainly such thoughts filled that beautiful head of his. Surely such things were responsible for the frown set upon his full lips and the glazed look to his amber eyes.

_Even now, I can't help but be drawn to you. _

L shook his head. He minimized that window and pursued the footage he'd so wanted to see before Watari had interrupted.

---

Light was beginning to believe this frown of his would be etched indelibly upon his face for the remainder of his existence. L's fault, of course.

So what if he was having a small issue with keeping himself together? Was Kira _really_ all that bad? Perhaps L was overreacting; he was being unforgivably dramatic, making himself scarce the last several days. Light eyed Watari and felt his boredom peak at the unappealing form his new companion presented. He was intelligent, yes, but nothing when compared to L. And certainly, much less... entertaining.

These past days had seemed longer than any Light could remember. In that time, he had spent much of his unoccupied time analyzing himself, L, and the entire situation. His conclusion was that, while he may indeed have developed a slight case of split personalities, it was L's fault for pushing the Kira issue until Light had, understandably, snapped. That, and being handcuffed and under the pressure of suspicion without a flicker of hope on the horizon for a normal existence...

_You hated your normal existence,_a voice in his head whispered._It was excruciatingly boring._

Oh, yes, he was being unreasonable again...

This claustrophobic air was partly to blame. L was the only thing that was able to distract him fully - the reason he'd pursued the dark-haired detective with such urgency. But GOD, he was so bored, it was no wonder he was rewriting everything in his head, it gave him something to DO.

It bothered him that there was a part of himself that he had no control over, that was potentially doing damage to the bond he had forged with L. The more he replayed his last conversation he'd had with the dark-eyed boy, the more profoundly it upset him that the detective had acted so strangely. Never had L hidden himself so fully, guarding against him with all he had. _Kira_ had had that effect on him.

How strange to know that you were present when something took place and yet it could be as distant as if you had never been there at all. His own hands and mouth had marked that pale body in such intimate and painful ways, yet his mind recalled nothing. L feared the self he could not control; now he treated both of them the same.

_If something does not change..._

_L may wash his hands of me. _

_I don't want that._

_But if Kira began as a mere aspect of myself that has gained force and detachment, it stands to reason that he is a persona created of existing pieces and not fabricated ones. Therefore L is in fear of something that will be a part of me either way - whether Kira is reabsorbed or not._ _Has he considered this?_ Light frowned more intensely. _Of course, he must have. He is logical to a fault. But this... this borders on things that are not of his expertise.__He fought getting involved with me from the very beginning. He has always had fear in his eyes - fear that always seemed to excite me rather than put me off._

_Does L enjoy my pursuit? _

_He submits to me in the end... and I can see the way I affect him. It is not unwanted when I push him to physical satiation. He is not fighting me in earnest. He never has._

_Does something in him need me to take him over so fully that he has no way to back out? Does he need that to justify himself? I find that odd, then... If Kira were to pursue him in a similar fashion, why is it so very different? What am I like when I am like that?_

_(So very different...)_

_(No act is barred.) _

_(Kira is freedom. Kira acts without consequence.) _

_...I am free from restrictions and I can take whatever I want._

Light noted the voice that was not quite his own and dispelled it. Kira was his _id_, then. Kira embodied all of his deepest desires, no matter how dark or base. It was an alluring thought - being able to live unfettered by the chains of obligations, rules, and morals. But what was the use in that if you lost yourself in the process? To live under the sway of your_id_ was a short path to destruction. To live without care of reality or the needs of others... to live only to satisfy yourself...

It was distasteful, to be honest. It was everything he had faulted his victims for. He valued self-control. Yet, he had succumbed to the very thing he despised in others without even realizing it. Did L harbor a hatred for that unrefined part of himself? Did the _Kira_ part of him revel in the pain, pleasure and amusement he could wring from the dark-haired boy when unburdened by conscience?

And what of emotion? This near solitude and separation from L was making him realize some things. He was sensing his interest in L was of a capacity he did not know existed within himself. Something which made him deeply uncomfortable when he confronted it directly. Emotions were so dangerous, were they not? Strings to mount yourself upon so that others could manipulate you.

_Did I hurt you, L?_

_Did you look into my face as Kira did those things to you, and curse your involvement with me? Did you regret saving me?_

_Am I a monster, that those marks on your skin looked as vile to me as they did beautiful?_

Light smiled humorlessly. _I am a creature at odds with myself... _He reclined on the small bed in the room, ignoring the British man's dull typing on the other side. _How long until L disposes of me? Surely the hypocrisy I embody will get under his skin and dig away at him until he cannot bear it any longer. But then again, emotions are involved. When that is the case, all bets are off._

_I miss your dark eyes... _

_Your hesitant manner when I cage you..._

_Your defiance right before you crumble and yield to me..._

This was no good. He'd gotten so used to having L at his disposal, that the loss of him was a gnawing thing. He shifted on the bed._See, L? There is that frown you have forged for me to wear._ He wanted access to that brilliant mind. He wanted the thrill of facing L's dark gaze when they flashed in challenge. He wanted to partake of that body, to feel the pulse of blood beneath his lips.

A wild shudder tore through him as he relived the feel of being cradled within the warmth of that reluctant body, of tasting his mouth between shuddered breaths.

_Oh, L, you torture me. I never desired anyone before you. I thought such things were only for the weak-minded. _

_How long are you going to make me wait?_

_Days? Weeks?_

For a moment, Light cursed the presence of the older man who typed obliviously on his laptop. Solitude would have been better. At least then he would not have to become so well-acquainted with suppressing his desires. He hated the feeling of distraction they presented, although he had nothing else of import to focus upon. He had nothing but the insistent fantasies clouding his mind and racketing his body._It was like this before I ever took you, L. I was plagued with thoughts of you.__It was a fast forming obsession;the need to be close to you. _

_...and the feel of you in my hands for the first time, the power I held over you in your weakest moments... _

_It was all I could have wished for._

_It made me feel depraved, such was the joy that sang in my blood every time I dragged you down with me and made you mine. _

Light rolled his eyes toward the English man and wished he could snuff his life out as easily as thought. He could tolerate this confinement then, if only he could have some privacy. _I'll stay beneath your hand, L, but I do not wish to behave._His frustration was peaking with his body's increasing desire. He couldn't have L, and he could not even have a surrogate, imagined L to spend his lust upon. _Maddening. How long will I be made to endure this, L? This, of all things, might truly break my mind._

Light sunk his teeth into the flesh of his palm in an attempt to cow his arousal with pain.

_God, I'm a masochist too, now?_ he thought with disgust as heat flared in his belly.

_Dammit, L. Why must you have this effect on me? Why must you keep your distance from me like this? I only want to ravish you and make you choke out my name. You want it, too, so don't try to lie to me. And don't expect me to remain so agreeable to the confines of this new prison you've dreamed up for me. _

_Even the best of intentions wear thin, my dear friend. And I cannot be bound forever._

"Watari?" he called out in a bored tone, masking the conflict of the storm raging within him.

The hands paused in their rapid pace upon the keys. "Yes, Yagami-kun?" His voice was polite, but there was an undercurrent of wariness that Light did not like. He could practically smell it, and it made him feel feral.

"It is permissible for me to use the restroom, I'd gather?"

Watari turned to look at him. "Of course," he said in confusion. "You continue to have that freedom. Nothing has changed."

"Well, one never knows when L has suddenly changed the rules..." he said in a darkly brooding voice as he sat up. "Where is my incorrigible little friend?" He affected an offhanded tone. "I haven't seen him in some time. Have you been talking to him on that?"

"L is working on his cases." Watari did not budge an inch. He gave nothing away.

"How rude of him to stay preoccupied while I am forced to the opposite. Which cases are they?"

"I am not able to share any information with you on that matter, Yagami-kun."

"Special orders?" he sneered lightly.

Watari's mouth compressed in a hard line.

"I think you are bending the truth here, Watari-san. L is not working on cases at all, is he? What _is_ he doing? What is he doing that you disapprove of _so much_?"

The older man's posture stiffened infinitesimally. Light felt the warm flood of satisfaction flow into him as he confirmed that suspicion. _I wonder if L is watching me, then?_ He always was a voyeur... _Are you trying to figure me out, L? Are you trying to gain the upper hand from afar? _A smile crept out upon his face, despite his efforts to keep it back. Watari looked a bit disturbed.

Light rose, stretching his frame to its maximum, easing the stiffness he'd acquired from the bed. "I do hope L decides to visit soon. I don't like the pattern my thoughts take on when I am forced to idleness for too long."_I know I can't actually threaten the man's safety, but I can rattle him at least. _His words had the desired effect. _Maybe this will make L get his scrawny ass in gear. I'm sick of this __**waiting**__!_ "I have to use the restroom... I'll be right back."

He hadn't entirely worked out his current manner of binding. Though his cuffs had been removed, he wasn't foolish enough to think L hadn't devised a tighter system of security to accompany his visual freedom.

---

It was approximately 11pm when L came personally to relieve Watari of his post.

11pm, on a Thursday.

It had been a Sunday evening when L began this new system. From the inception, he decided it best to simply monitor the brunette via camera when Watari needed to rest. But it had been long enough now for that to end. He would go and evaluate Light's state of mind in the flesh. It was obvious by his behavior that he still had not figured out the specifics on how he was being held. It was also apparent that though he had been taken with pensive moods, in the absence of anything to do, he was also fighting increased agitation.

L had watched Watari take his leave before coming down, confirming Light's standard reaction - one that was full of satisfaction and displeasure. He was alone, but he knew he was not truly alone, and the boredom of having not even the older man's presence to distract him was grating. At least while Watari was there, there was the chance that he would be given information to memorize or digest, or have someone to secretly sneer at. L had caught those subtleties in his expression more than once.

The lock on the door clicked solidly as L accessed the room. It seemed as loud as a gunshot to his ears, and there was no way the brunette inside had not been alerted to his entry. He sucked in a quick, deep breath, nerves still jangling as he thought of facing the force that was Light. But he'd put this off long enough. And he'd missed the solemn, unwholesome amber eyes. They weren't always belonging to Kira, with sharp intensity that cut like glass. Light's eyes were his own. He mustn't see Kira within them.

The door swung wide, and L's eyes scoured the room for Light, scrambling for the quickest path to glimpse the brunette in those first seconds. A small breath of relief accompanied the twisting in his chest as he marked him laying in repose upon the bed, eyes closed.

"L this time?" Light said softly without looking. "To what do I owe this honor?"

L frowned, and closed the door behind him, not quite sure how to respond to the other boy's unexpected behavior. "Good evening, Light-kun."

Light cracked an eye open at that. "Are we to be formal, then, Ryuuzaki-_kun_?"

L shoved his hands deeper into the pockets of his jeans and scratched the top of one foot with the other. "Actually, I didn't mean for it to come out that way," he said honestly. A byproduct of his anxiousness, surely.

"Hn." Light resumed his dismissive posture - eyes closed, acting as if L were interrupting his napping. His body belied his attentiveness, however.

L decided to leave things lie. His laptop case's strap was digging into his shoulder, and he was glad to be able to set it down.

For being portable, laptops were entirely too heavy. Perhaps he should invest in something more high-tech and lightweight. L's brow furrowed. But... he liked everything else about the unit he had... and he disliked change. They'd probably put some new, overly bloated operating system on any new unit he chose as well as alter the layout of the keyboard for incomprehensible reasons. That would only serve to be incredibly annoying - he'd likely then leave the expensive hardware lying in some dusty corner, kicked aside in favor of his old, heavy laptop. A useless exercise.

L set his computer on the table, just where Watari had been using his, and couldn't dispel the feel on eyes on his back he'd had the entire time it'd been turned. Butterflies fluttered in his stomach. He took a moment to visualize their annihilation, but they burst forth anew within moments. _Why am I so unsure of how to proceed?_ He pulled up information on the cases he was currently solving and wondered if Light was going to speak to him within this silence.

_Or should I engage him? _

_Perhaps..._

"Light," he tried to be conversational as he spoke over his shoulder. His fingers moved over the keys without effort. "I think you may find these current cases to be of interest..." It sounded lame even to his own ears.

"Did that occur to you just now? Or had you thought of that _at all_ in the past several days?"

_Ok. I get it, you were bored._ L frowned. "There is no need to be antagonistic."

"I am very displeased with you," Light said simply, his voice sounding rather lackluster and plain. His words hung on the air between them.

"I apologize if you were bored, Light-kun," _Oh, there I slipped again! He hates such formality..._ "I was indisposed-"

"Are you trying to make me angry, Ryuuzaki?" That rich voice was patient.

"Intentionally? No."

"You're sure...?"

"Reasonably so..."

"Then for what other reason would you find it apt to not even look at me, or to offer me **these** paltry words, which is all I have had from you in nearly a week?"

It was a strange quality that suffused his words. It evoked in L a sort of nervous guilt and he found he was reluctant to offer his gaze to the other boy. The butterflies were doing cartwheels as he looked up anyway.

Light remained in repose, but his face was turned L's way. The weight of those hooded golden eyes shivered through him. The brunette's lips moved, and it was with a delay that L heard his words, so fixated was he on the sensual curves of them. "Could you at the least play a game of chess with me, before dismissing me for work?" His tone was sulky and admonishing. It also pulled at L with wicked little strings.

"I suppose so," L murmured. "But I do not have a board." He registered the movement of his feet, only because of the sensation of the carpet against their bareness. The unsettled feeling in his stomach was a sign of danger. He was approaching the beast. Which was, of course, a fabulously awful idea.

Light's eyes were locked on his, a testament against the aloof arrangement of his features. "Pawn to E3," he said, as if in a trance.

Was it L's imagination that the atmosphere had thickened? His heart began beating like a caged rabbit's. And yet, he moved closer under the sway of those eyes. Damn those eyes.

"Knight to C6," L responded.

"Did you miss me at all, Ryuuzaki?" He was being coy, confident in the answer L would have to give. L could almost feel the quiet smugness radiating from Light. The brunette was supremely confident that he had the ability to control their interactions- that this one as well was playing out to his whim.

"No," L said. It was a lie of course. It was also a test of the brunette's irritability and inclination to lash out. It was bait for Kira. But why assess his presence in such a way? In the present captivity, Kira would be no threat to him. _Unless I'm actually entertaining the idea of... of... _L damned himself as he realized he was staring again.

A sweet smile spread across Light's lips. "I knew you had. You were monitoring me this whole time, weren't you?"

L debated, but decided on truth. "Yes, I was." He paused. "It is your turn, Light."

"So," Light said conversationally. "You had plenty to occupy _your_ time, my dear friend. Meanwhile, you left me with nothing." Still, pure malevolence was missing. Honeyed eyes caressed him.

Light was deflecting his barbs and pulling him in. Reactive anger was not present, curiously so. Minor attempts at provocation were being brushed aside. Or forgiven? A trickle of trepidation slid down L's spine as he realized he hadn't had conscious control over the progress of his feet. _Traitorous limbs!_He had yet to verify anything about the state the brunette was in mentally. Was he stable? Had he regained control over himself in the time they had been apart? It was entirely possible. It was also equally possible that he had not.

"Queen to F3," Light mouthed. From closer still, his amber gaze was thick enough to drown in.

The picture of the brunette lying there, waiting for him, was too benign. Too compelling. Light's face tipped up to receive L's slow advance. It was all too inviting, a shining place of light that greyed out the periphery of his vision. "Pawn to E5," he said hesitantly. _Remember what you know, L. Remember what you_don't_know. Light or Kira, you cannot be sure. _

"Bishop to C4."

L knew he was in trouble. He could not seem to keep his distance and his eyes were fixing on the sensual movements of Light's lips when he spoke. Within him, a low, tugging ache was leading him forward. His skin experienced a fluttering blush of heat. "Pawn to E4..."

Fingertips against his lips stilled his words; Light's graceful hand had the power to evoke silence with the gentle touch of fingertips against his lips. Slowly, the touch retreated, favoring instead the curve of L's cheek, then the line of his jaw.

"Queen at F7 places you in checkmate," Light murmured softly. His eyes had bled black and pulled L in as inevitably as a whirlpool. Just a tiny sliver of their rich golden color lined the edges. L's head began to bow as Light moved to meet him.

For the shy meeting of mouths that it was, its rended L's insides like a storm.

The pain of uncertainty digging into his chest, the hot flare of desire that flooded his lower body, and the anxious roiling in his stomach that preceded any perceived misstep... All of his conflicting emotions pushed his mind, staggering, offline.

He sank into the urgent flow of lips against his, giving in to Light's mouth with with careless need. Gentle hands cupped his face and tilted his head to afford better access. Light was drawing out his breath, his resolve, and the stolidity of the muscles that were supporting him.

_Maybe it's ok... _

_I don't feel Kira here..._

_Just... Light. God, I've missed this... I did not fully realize how much...._

The kiss grew more demanding, and as L's knees buckled, ready hands were there to guide him down upon the bed.

_Who would have thought I could feel this intensely for anyone? It is a mystery to me. All this time, I believed I was the machine everyone thought me to be... _

_Or was it the touch of this beautiful monster that made flesh of my perfunctory gears? _

_Angel, monster, I cannot decide.__You are the greatest mystery of all - that you house such extremes within your soul..._

The air was leaden with the warmth of their breath and the static of their lust. L gasped it in as Light stroked him through the front of his jeans with a deliberately lingering hand, as a mouth fed at his neck - likely marking it. Pinioned between those two points of contact, his writhing body had nowhere to go. Trapped in this purgatory of in between, he needed less sensation in order to bear it, or he needed MORE.

Skin, hips, penetration, he wanted it all.

Anything and everything, to fill the void that had been growing in his soul and ease the firestorm that held his body in its sway.

"I want you so badly right now," Light spoke against his neck in a roughened voice that magnified the sparkings of need in L like electric currents. "I thought about you incessantly - it's enough to drive one mad." Light bit down hard upon his neck, making L cry out. "But I also want to punish you for how you've treated me," he said as he soothed the skin with apologetic lips. "Will you let me punish you, L?"

L could only weakly protest as Light found another sensitive spot to sink his teeth into. It hurt, but at the same time it was sickly erotic. Light's voice threaded through him like a living thing, coaxing, threatening. He was so caught up in it that he nearly missed the change in Light's addressing of him. _Did he say L just now? _

"I'm often amused by your token resistance, but at times you carry it too far." Light wrested L's shirt from him and traced the faded marks upon his skin with a delicate but insistent tongue. L shivered, which made the brunette smile distractedly before choosing an old mark to refresh.

Sharp pain. Suckling pressure.

Misgiving started to blossom in the dark-haired boy as Light held him down. He was becoming horribly aroused from the lazy attentions of Light's skilled mouth, but the intermittent cruel deviations it made... Oh, but the brunette so smoothly glossed over those abuses with caresses enough to further fuel L's desire and keep him witless. He nibbled along L's hip, sliding L's pants lower.

"You're awfully silent, for all your other reactions," Light observed. "Is this the only way you seek to defy me?"

_Defy...?_

"Cry out for me, L." Light licked at his exposed flesh with a long tongue. "Let me hear your pain and pleasure." L squirmed and bit down upon the sound that threatened to tumble from his mouth. His hips canted upward, heedless of his instructions. A none too gentle bite on his inner thigh choked a gasp from him, followed by a low moan as Light's mouth teased and sucked at the skin in a steadily rising trail.

"S-Stop that."

"Stop what?" the brunette asked in a slyly harmless voice. "This?" He flicked at L's desire with his tongue. "But you seem to be enjoying that so much... more than usual, I'd say. Or is it this?"

L cried out as teeth sunk into flesh.

"In fact, I _do_ believe that is the case," the brunette mused smugly.

L shook his dark head, breath coming in shallow pants. Whom was he dealing with here? Was it coincidence that each of those brutal marks was being refreshed? It was different from last time - this time he was not drenched in terror, but in desire. Why would Light tread such dangerous territory? He was visibly upset at the thought of hurting him like this, and yet here he was, essentially doing it all over again. Was it Kira, then? But he had never acted this subdued before. No, it couldn't be him...

"Why don't you just admit that some part of you revels in it?" the brunette crooned. "You want everything I want to do to you, L."

"Not _everything_," L ground out.

He had to stop and think about this. He'd gotten drawn in too quickly, and his reasoning skills were under a severe handicap. He wasn't conjuring the proper response, if this was some form of Kira. His mind was too muddled. In fact, it was dismissing the notion altogether on superfluous grounds. It wasn't Kira because he was acting more contained? _Fool!_ _Acting contained would be the only reasonable way to get close..._

"I beg to differ."

L tried to ensnare the flicker of indignation he felt at that, tried to breathe life into the feeble flame. A distant part of him was screaming at him to back away, and he could only faintly hear it. The rushing of his blood was oh so much louder.

"You know, I never liked that pompous attitude of yours, Light."

"Oh really?" Light's face ghosted up, inches away from his own. "I suppose you dislike that about yourself as well, then?"

"Oh, but you quite exceed me on that count. I could never come close."

Amber eyes narrowed. "Is there any particular reason you've decided to incite my displeasure, L?"

"Of course. I have reason for everything I do." _Not that I am going to tell you._Luckily, his brain was showing minor signs of life again. How had it come to this? Not twenty minutes passed, left alone in a room with Light -or Kira, take your pick- and he was perhaps another five minutes from full debauchery. Didn't he at one point have some sort of morals? Self-restraint? Was two weeks of intimacy really enough to wrap him around the other boy's little finger??

Was two weeks enough to make him act completely illogical and more insane than the crazy person he was entangled with?

_Dear god._

Light spoke. "I sincerely hope that you are not about to say what the look on your face tells me you are about to say."

"Judging by your reluctance at the idea, I would say yes."

Light let out a controlled sigh, his brows drawing together in frustration. "Why do you torture me like this? It isn't fair."

L levered himself on an elbow and dragged his pants back up.

Or tried to.

Light bent forward, nuzzling his neck in a subdued but intent manner. "What if I say that you are being ridiculous, and decide to continue exactly where we left off?"

Pieces of L's mind were snapping back off in pathetic little fizzles. "I would say that you don't respect me and that the likelihood of such an occurrence happening again would be a percentage not worth mentioning."

Light withdrew and leveled him with an apathetic look. "You're cold," he said sullenly. "Has anyone ever mentioned that?" Behind the mask of apathy, L could detect disappointment, resentment, and.... was that a spark of animosity? He tried to delve deeper, but the flaws in Light's mask were quickly smoothed and dispelled as if they had been wrinkles in cloth.

Light pulled away from him as if he were nothing, the lines of his back stiff as he arranged himself on the edge of the bed in nearly the same position he'd occupied earlier. He was possibly the most irate-looking person when he was sulking that L had ever known. It was vexing, but now he felt as if he had done something wrong. "If your mood is going to deteriorate this far, would you like to be left alone?" That came out more derisively than he'd meant. It was not likely he'd garner a good response.

"Do what you want. I don't care."

L debated stooping to his level of childishness. He really debated carefully. He decided against it. "If you didn't care, you wouldn't bother to say you didn't care." However, the words came forth regardless.

"Don't analyze me unless it's going to be for something useful." he snapped back.

"That's useful," L argued.

"No. It isn't."

"Stop arguing with me just for the sake of it."

"I wouldn't stoop so low."

In the middle of all of this, L was wondering why he could not quite forget the needs his body had continuously been demanding be met. His brain was online, all was well, but he was still uncomfortably affected by Light's earlier attentions. Rescinding his request that they stop was out of the question. Totally. Utterly. Completely out of the question. Even if their childish argument seemed to stem from sexual frustration on both of their behalfs.

L mentally smacked himself in the face. No closeness until you are sure that Kira is under control.

"This is about Kira, isn't it?" Light huffed. He'd crossed his arms as he lay there, making the muscles of his back look even stiffer.

L pulled his discarded long-sleeved shirt back over his head before responding. "What makes you say that?"

Light made a disgusted noise, but otherwise remained silent.

Could Light really blame him for being cautious? He had no doubts that with time, and the knowledge that he was harboring a case of blossoming MPD, Light could reign in the effect and put himself back together. But... in just several days?

"Light."

"What."

L chewed on his lip. He hated when Light got so prickly and monosyllabic. "I was... careless in allowing anything to occur. It was inappropriate as I think you require more time to... work on the situation."

"I don't need any more time. I've had enough."

"It's only been a few days, you can't possibly have-"

Light whipped around to face him. "I. am. in. control."

L thought his clenched teeth and furious eyes contested such a thing but saying as much would simply provoke him. And who was '**I**' in this instance? Subdued Kira, or assimilated Kira? "Of course you are," L said, placating him. "But-"

"_**But**_, you do not believe me," Light interrupted. "Nor will you, until you are 100% certain. How long will we go on like this then? Months? Years? I can't take it. It's only been a week, and already I can't stand it. Where is your show of trust, Ryuuzaki? My life is in your hands and what do I have for that? _Nothing_."

L just stared at him, surprised by the slew of words and emotion that had just breached his earlier sulking. His logic was somewhat questionable as well... but that was a trait he associated with Light when he got overly sensitive about something.

"I've been as well-behaved as a trained puppy," he said spitefully. "And still, _nothing_. Where is my reward? My motivation? All you offer to me is a lifetime of mistrust and shackles. If that is all that is in store, why not just kill me and be done with it? This boredom and frustration will drive me to madness."

"It doesn't have to be 100%," L said defensively. He was just as susceptible to Light's dramatic flair as anyone. The well-chosen words were pinging deep within his subconscious. _What percent would suffice, L?_ he asked himself. _How much until you really felt safe? 85%? 95%?_He was only proving Light's point. Light, whose eyes were boring holes into his head with the intensity of affronted royalty.

"I would ask how much would satisfy you," Light scoffed, "but I know the number will be impossibly high."

"For all your talk of trust, you seem to have dismissed me already."

"No more than you have done me."

"..." Light was being obstinate. He must therefore want something before he would yield this recalcitrant behavior. L crossed his arms over his chest. "What do you want me to do?"

"Nothing."

That was a lie. Just the mention of it had soothed Light back into a petulant sulk. L thought better of calling him on that. Light was easier to deal with when he was not on the offensive. Oh, but it grated upon him to have to cater to the brunette to this extent... Sometimes he believed the other boy did it merely to see how far L would go towards appeasing him in reconciliation. Was trying to stay so calm and placating encouraging him in this behavior? L felt the faint pressure of an impending headache as he considered it. He was no expert on the human psyche. That was Light's strength. Damnation.

Light was watching him with a bored air, waiting for him to speak.

It would be the easiest thing to just leave the room and allow this stalemate to go on without his own participation. It would give him more time to decide a course of action. But, he did not want to recall Watari. The older man needed a break. He'd looked especially worn out of late. "Well, if there is nothing I can do, I'm going to return to my work." L slid off the bed.

"Is it that simple for you to walk away?"

"When you are being unreasonable, yes."

"Liar."

L turned and looked down at the other boy. "What would you have me do? You **are** being unreasonable, and to what purpose, I can only guess. I also don't appreciate you casting aspersions about as if they do not apply to your behavior as well."

Light's pupils constricted, and they were very, very gold. "Very well." The arrogance was back on his face as he abandoned moodiness. "There is something."

"I think I am past hearing about that," L responded archly. He watched for the flare of temper which did, in fact, manifest in those eyes. Curiously, it was banked.

Light caught his wrist in his hand. "I think you know what simple thing I would request of you."

Light's thumb slowly stroked up the vulnerable inside of L's wrist as he stared up at him. There was no softness in his expression. It was the face of a conquerer. L wanted no part of it. The sudden weightless feeling in his stomach and the weakness in his knees was definitely out of aversion. "You've become spoiled, Yagami, to think you can always have your way."

"And you have become even more adept at laying your interests at the feet of others instead of owning up to them."

L narrowed his eyes.

Light smiled.

"You are starting to make me angry," L warned, flexing his hands in and out of fists.

"Good," Light said snidely. "I do so hate to be alone in such things."

L snapped. "You obnoxious little-" Suddenly, he found himself off-balance and falling, Light having used the tension in his body to easily leverage him back onto the bed with an airless _thud_. He was promptly pinned. "I really... should have seen that... coming," he ground out with disdain. Talking was rather inconvenient with a forearm across your throat.

"Yes, you should have," Light said amiably. "You're slipping, L."

L gnawed the inside of his lip in frustration.

"As I was saying before, I feel you are tormenting me needlessly and to an absurd extent."

"I disagree."

"Of course you do," Light said flippantly. "Now, before you get hasty and think I am channeling 'Kira' and out to inflict some grievous harm upon you, which is punishable by whatever system has replaced the tasers, I want you to listen to me."

"..." L ground his teeth in annoyance. In part because it was hard to ignore the length of Light's body against his. _Damn useless, worthless, counterproductive, pain-in-the-ass hormones._

"Are you listening?"

"Yes," L spat out.

"Good," Light said, and kissed him.

L cursed him mentally as he noted the awe-inspiring power that a deep, violating, and passionate kiss could hold. Not only could it make you utter words in a format most would call 'unintelligible', it could also render muscles and bone mass inoperable as well as wipe the mind of any thought other than _'oh, please, yes.'_ It was a vile tactic to employ. Truly... exceedingly... dirty......

L tried not to hate himself too much for kissing back.

But it was too hard not to. Light's hands cupped his face, holding him captive for the heated union of their desperate mouths and the pressure of Light's body on his was distracting, stimulating and missed. In seconds, L's entire body flushed and wound itself submissively around the brunette's. He felt a hand slide up his jean-clad thigh before realizing Light lay between them.

In the face of too much sensation, L was losing track of details. In hindsight, one of the things currently overloading him was Light's hips pressing against his. And the fact that they were moving... _God, yes_, they were moving.

"Why must you always be so difficult?" Light murmured, slightly out of breath.

L considered answering but suspected it would come out as one of the dreaded unintelligible formats, so he merely shook his head. This garnered another shameful kiss and the luxurious feel of Light's hands on his skin. Why was he wearing these godforsaken jeans again? They were getting in the way of - _Oh, never mind,_ he thought as Light provided the solution to that.

Surely it was not healthy to be this overwrought with sexual tension... If the heart were to continue such a breakneck pace for extended periods of time.... And with the flow of blood diverted... to the...

to...

...

Declining ability to focus was the other severe symptom of heightened arousal, L would note later when his thoughts were not utterly derailed.

As was the capability of one to mark time.

L could not linearly remember the process that led to Light being seated tightly within him, only that he was. And that it was good. So good that any movement was sending thrilling jolts to his lower stomach, and intensifying the garbled feeling of desperation racing around within him. He wrapped his arms around the boy above him and felt forgiveness touch his heart. Perhaps Light had been right - that he'd been too paranoid earlier.

L felt a fine tremor become apparent in the sleekly muscled body beneath his hands. Light nuzzled the column of his neck and began stroking L's arousal with more urgency. Climax soon rushed upon them in its knee-bowing greatness, and it was nearly euphoric.

Except for one tiny thing.

L could swear he heard a familiar voice in his ear laugh softly and breathe out, "I win, detective."

...

Fuck.

* * *

TBC


	19. Nothing

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 19: Nothing)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 19:

The first thing L did when he recovered his wits and his breath was to silently freak out.

No, to be honest, he started the moment he heard Kira's voice.

This wasn't long-lived, however, as the object of his freaking out was innocuously asleep. And generally... peaceful and harmless looking.

_Ok,_ he told himself, _on the bright side, nothing bad happened._ _(Yet.)_On the bright side, Light may actually be having success at giving Kira a backseat and assimilating him back into his personality. (Perish the thought - that that piece always was and will be a part of the brunette.)

**Or...**

Or, Kira had gotten intolerably devious and was keeping a low profile in order to surprise him in unsuspecting moments. Was he just biding his time so he could pop out and yell, "Ahhhhrghhh!"? L rubbed his eyes with the tips of his fingers. Joking aside, the message being sent was one of the last Kira had imparted to him.

_"We come as a package deal, detective. Where one goes, the other must follow._ _I'll just have to enjoy watching you struggle, never knowing when I might be the one close to you instead of him."_

Essentially: "I am always here. Muahaha aha haaa."

Fantastic.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

Lousy bastard.

Of all the astonishing brilliant minds to fall for, why did he have to fall for one with such a dangerous mental disorder? ...Not that he'd encountered one without homicidal, god-complex, sadism-loving MPDs... or any others for that matter. Could it be that said intellect was partially to blame for said disorder...? Hmn, an interesting theory... In exchange for not being woefully boring and inept, a mind would find other failings. But, in that case, what was his own drawback?

...

Ah, best not to dwell on insignificant, potentially ego-shattering trivialities.

L looked down on the face of a sleeping angel and wondered if he should feel inordinately cursed or blessed.

He could find a multitude of points to support either case.

_Look on the bright side._ (Again?) _You won't get bored._ (Yes, but I might also die before my time.) _Boredom is the worst thing this world has to offer._ (I argue that death is right up there as well. Especially death at the hands of a delighted sadist.) _**Pessimist.**__You really don't believe he'll pull himself together, do you? (_Shut up, you suicidal fool. Am I supposed to blindly assume such a thing??) _I'm a fool? You're the one arguing with yourself.__**Idiot.**_

Blast and drat. That was more unhelpful that he'd thought. Losing an argument with yourself... how low was that?

Still, it all boiled down to risk. Acceptable risk, manageable risk, and lunatic risk (a.k.a. unmanageable risk). Light, he felt, was in the third category. Rather solidly. However, if he were able to keep the Kira side stuffed down a bit more, L would be willing to move him into the second category. At least partially.

L pondered the sleeping form next to him once more. Hmm... genius, athletic, and wildly attractive... Perhaps it was that particular combination of a string of coveted traits that marked Light for mental instability. _I, on the other hand, rate a far lower score on one account, which is what saved me. Though I'm also not good with people.... and Light is exceptionally popular... So, if I count that..._

"Ryuuzaki?" Light groaned sleepily, "I don't know what you're doing, but you're giving me a headache."

_Telepathy as well? _

No, L didn't believe in such things. Light simply knew him very well.

"What?" Light asked as L continued to stare at him.

_To mention, or not to mention... that is the question... _

_Would it be beneficial or detrimental to comment on the brief emergence of Kira? _L blinked at him and started unobtrusively chewing on his thumb.

"Oh, for chrissakes," Light muttered and jammed his head into his pillow.

And who is to say it was brief? He'd suspected the alter ego to be in residence earlier as well, but discounted it due to the lack of provocation being offered. He did not have enough grounds to clearly suspect a change in ownership.

Again, was it being assimilated, or was it being underhanded?

A heavy forearm hooked about his waist and pulled him onto his back. Light didn't bother surfacing from the pillow to do this. In a muffled voice, he said, "I know you don't like sleep, but have pity on those of us who do."

"Okay." L lay there, contemplating the increasing number of issues coming to his attention, and also the attractive curve of Light's bare backside and well-shaped legs. It was amazing how tan he seemed to be when he hardly ever went out in the sun. "How well do you think you are doing in terms of progressively suppressing your alter ego, Light?"

Groan.

Light surfaced from the pillow with a faint crease mark on his face and adorably disheveled hair. "I'd ask why, but I suppose a better question would be: What happened now?"

"Do you recall saying something to me right before falling asleep?"

Light's lip thrust out slightly. He looked petulant. And tired. "No, I don't. But then, anything I don't remember is automatically tossed into the 'Kira' category as a default, correct?"

"Only if it seems to fit. I would never be arbitrary about it."

Light flopped back down upon his pillow. L leaned over him. "Answer mine first."

Another groan. "Reasonably well, I think. Though it is hard to gauge." He offered, almost as a second thought, "The splitting headaches are almost gone."

"Hmmm."

"Hmmm what?" Light said with exasperation.

"I think I shall refrain from bogging you down with details of what you may or may not have said. But, I believe you are making progress and that makes me substantially more optimistic than I was a few moments ago."

"..." Light shifted onto his side so he could look L in the face. "I'm sure you've considered this, but even fully assimilated, it is still a part of me..."

"I have, and fully assimilated, you will then be able to apply restraint and self-control. That is my utmost concern."

Light looked away. "Being trapped in a room with nothing but Watari and my boredom is not helping me feel very sane."

"I apologize for that, but I felt it necessary. It seems to have improved things, if that is any consolation."

"Hn."

"Do you really believe that I have given you nothing in our current arrangement, as you were saying earlier?"

"...not exactly. Another byproduct of too much time spent with nothing to do - my frustration leads to fractured, angry thinking. And, my memory on what exactly I said is a little dim. I was more focused on you specifically."

_Ah... so perhaps that was a bit of Kira poking out. It is encouraging that Light has any awareness of it at all. _

"How much longer are we staying in Japan? This place grates on my nerves."

"Potentially, not long at all." L bit his thumbnail as he paused. "It depends now on something I may have appeared to overlook until this point."

Light looked marginally more awake and wary. "And that is?"

L blinked owlishly at him. "The location of the Death Note."

---

_SHIT._

That was Light's all-encompassing thought as he met L's inquisitive black eyes.

Some days the Death Note seemed not to be worth all of the trouble he'd gone through for it. He was in a pathetic spot. Held hostage by his adversary, kept from using the notebook, and legally dead to the entirety of the world. Worth puzzling over was why Misa hadn't come looking for him. There was no reason he could think of that Rem would leave her in the dark as to his not-death. Curious...

But back to matters of importance.

He was rather pleased that in using the notebook, he and L had crossed paths. It was a more fulfilling interaction than he had ever dreamed possible. In fact, he felt... thankful. But at the same time, the notebook _had_driven him slightly askew, burdening him with a cognizant second-self. To say that infringed on his sense of order and control would be too much of an understatement to even bother with.

Despite the questionable good of ever possessing the Death Note in the first place, he was loath to part with it. Sure, perhaps it had a nasty side effect of turning him into a head case, but he'd already surmised that to be equally L's fault for hounding him. To lose it now... to give up the opportunity to reshape the world, to scour from humanity all that soiled it. To leave only the worthy in place...

How was he supposed to willingly nullify his claim?

It was more than just a power-trip. It was necessary. And who but himself could accomplish such a thing?

He'd held on to the belief that at some point he would once again be free to use the Death Note and finish the work he started.

_Ah, therein lies the problem._

_Should I take the chance at being happy as an individual, or should I set that aside to accomplish what must be done? This is the point at which Kira began to surface in truth. To have such split desires... L is the high and low to either side, just as the Death Note is. _

_I would resent giving up either._

Light slanted a look at L. He was patiently waiting a response. If he were perturbed at Light's lengthy pause, he did not allow it to show. "I am not ready to disclose that at this time."

A flicker of disappointment swept over L's alabaster skin. "I see. How unfortunate."

Light watched his face assume the professional, disinterested detective mask, and felt a pang of regret. He wanted to say something to reverse the effect, but the only thing that would do that was a confession. And in truth, he was not ready. The scales were still too balanced. Ignore the world for his own selfishness, or become a killer once more and cleanse it for the benefit of mankind?

L rose and donned his clothes.

Light watched him with mixed feelings. His refusal to cooperate with L was seen as a betrayal, he was certain. But there was nothing he could do about that, no matter how much he disliked it.

"Just remember, Light-kun," L said impassively before returning to the desk and his work. "There is always more than one solution to accomplish a thing... and a detective's conscience would be a lighter burden by far."

And that, Light mused, was certainly something to think about.

---

Rain pattered against the hotel window, a melancholy din with only an occasional burst of wind to break the lackluster staccato. It was a slow night. Dark. Dreary. Slightly dull, if Light got down to it. L had been only marginally communicative since he'd remained mum about the notebook and all things related to it. Rather depressing, these past few days. L was so preoccupied with his new assessments and recalculations that he barely spared Light a whit of his exceptional mind. All the more noticeable as L had stopped bothering to keep Light with Watari as he had previously in favor of resuming something along the lines of their prior arrangement.

Light found the new lack of judicious care towards keeping him contained to be an irritant.

He had not earned liberties, in fact he should have been watched even more closely, and yet...

L was practically ignoring him.

It was so very difficult to take joy in his emancipation in lieu of _that_. And he despised continually winning at chess merely because L was too distracted to bother offering him a challenge. Was L doing this to him on purpose? Surely it was not beneath him to behave so childishly when things did not go as he expected them to.

Light rubbed at his temples. This _boredom_. Perhaps he should give up the Death Note if only to get L talking to him again... But it seemed such an ungraceful way of admitting that he could suffer withdrawal at the lack of interaction from the dark-haired recluse....

_"In other news, a resurgence in the Kira killings,"_ the TV that Light had turned on, mainly to annoy L, blared out. There was much paper shuffling from the announcer for dramatic effect before he continued.

L whipped his steely gaze upon Light. "What did you do?"

Light shook his head. "It wasn't me." His eyes went back to the screen, as he listened intently for more detail on this curious development.

_"Late yesterday afternoon, a man involved in the in the brutal mugging of 48 year old Tomika Nagasaki in was found dead. Cause of death appears to have been a heart attack although the autopsy reveals the man to have been healthy and an unlikely victim of such an occurrence. A similar death of an inmate guilty of the murder-rape of 16 year old Lao Fei, a foreign exchange student, has led experts to believe....." _

Light tapped his finger on the tabletop impatiently. As the announcer droned on for several long minutes, dragging the story out, it became increasingly clear that...

"Hn," L snorted. "They don't know anything. They're just speculating."

"Quite," Light agreed, pleased as usual that they were of a mind. The story was padded and repetitive after the initial information regarding the deaths. Was it a positive sign that people were so ready to suggest that Kira had returned, or was it merely a play at securing increased ratings? Did they miss the protection he could afford them? "But even the suggestion that Kira is alive and well will cause problems for both of us."

"Two deaths is not definitive enough. If this continues, and remains consistent, we could rule out emulation. In the meantime, we are still left with a quandary..." L swiveled in his chair to regard him with large black eyes, opened to an abnormal extent. "If the situation develops, and I determine that this is the work of Kira, that means there is a second Kira... as the original is right here beneath my thumb."

Light bristled. _Beneath your thumb! You arrogant little..._

"Unless, you _are_ doing this somehow?"

"I've told you that I'm not," Light bit out waspishly. Honestly, he hated being interrogated and accused like this.

"Ah, but we both know the ways in which you like to bend the truth," L insisted.

Light gave him a baleful look. "We also know that I am _under your thumb_ and have no means by which to execute these people. I would need the notebook, and that is not at my disposal."

"Regarding that, I would love to know the location you decided upon for safekeeping."

L had that look in his eye. The one that came out when he was pushing Light's buttons, but acting innocent about it. It was obvious L wasn't really expecting him to give that information - he was happy enough to be goading him into a reaction, and he would continue to do so as much as possible. Light felt like an ant under a magnifying glass, ready to catch fire. The bastard.

"I'm sure you would." Light turned his back and refused to give him quarter.

"Yagami-kun would not be naive enough to think that I would stop requesting this information, would he?"

Light turned back around with a snarl. "_Must_ you do that? You _**know**_ how much it irritates me."

"Which is precisely why I do it, _Yagami-kun_," L said around the thumb he was chewing. His infernal black eyes _stared_. Expressionless. Emotionless. Watching and absorbing even the most trivial minutia.

It seemed he was still chafing over Light's refusal to deliver the notebook.

"Spare me your mood, Ryuuzaki," Light sighed, attempting to visualize his vexation flowing off of him like water. He had to stop letting L push his buttons. It only served to encourage him. "It wasn't me, it _isn't_ me, and I am in no way connected to it."

"At all? I find that exceptionally hard to believe."

"Tie me up again if you want to prove it beyond all reasonable doubt. At least _that_ may prove more entertaining." He said the last with a suggestive arch of one slender brow.

It had the desired effect - L slouched in his seat, looking slightly uncomfortable, and turned his attention back to the screen as well. By all appearances, he was also pouting. Though the dark-haired detective would probably prefer the term 'brooding'.

Light froze as he caught a flicker of white on the periphery of his vision.

No....

It couldn't be....

"What is it, Light?" L asked suspiciously, attuned to him so completely that at times like this it was wildly inconvenient.

"Nothing, just something in my eye I think." He blinked a few times experimentally. Then he gently rubbed his right eye. When he looked up again, he turned to L sheepishly. "I hate when that happens. It's like the whole world stops and narrows down to one simple, inconvenient thing."

Aforementioned 'thing' looked at Light with bland malice. "So sorry to interrupt," she said coldly.

_Ah, Rem. What a delightful way to complicate things._ "I'm fine, Ryuuzaki," Light waved the dark-haired boy's gaze off as he blinked away the false tears he'd dredged up. "It must have been an eyelash or something. Go on." He gestured at the screen but his words were meant for Rem.

The white Shinigami flapped its bony wings silently, filling the room. "Misa is set on doing something that places her in great danger."

_Like I care._ "Hmm," he said under his breath as he watched the screen. He'd thought as much when he heard the report, although he'd reserved comment to L for three reasons. One, there was a possibility that more than two Death Notes existed in this world, which he had yet to verify. Two, if he wrongfully implicated Misa, he might be killed by Rem. Three, L was being a willful thorn in his side, and witholding information was about the only joy he had left at the moment.

"I know how you feel about her, Yagami," the female death god said hatefully. "Or should I say, how you _don't_ feel.... But let me make this worth your while."

Light brought his hand to his face and touched his mouth distractedly.

"Misa wants revenge on L for having you killed. She believes that humiliating L by proving he sentenced the wrong person to death will accomplish this and to do so, she will pretend to be Kira. Pretend to be _you_. You understand why this worries me?"

Of course he did. Misa was determined and reasonably intelligent, but not quite clever enough to pull something like this off. Eluding L had given _him_ problems, and he was on the detective's intellectual level. L would route Misa in a mere fraction of the time. She was bound to slip up in far more fatal ways and with exponentially greater frequency. She was stepping into a death trap. A trap from which she could not be sprung with the one death the Shinigami would be able to provide. Light nodded with the slightest incline of his head.

L eyed him briefly, but his eyes passed by again without comment.

Light took a moment to savor the feeling of LIFE flowing through him at this moment. The scheming, the danger, the deception, and the power. Oh yes, the raw exhilaration that surged through him the moment he realized the Shinigami - _this_ Shinigami, the one that so openly wished for his death - was now beholden to**him**.

It took a herculean effort to keep the condescending smile off of his face.

"In exchange for you minimizing her danger, and keeping L from suspecting her, I will no longer hold you accountable for her happiness. I will consider your gift of preserving her life a just compensation for not taking yours."

_Excellent._ This could not have turned out better. Certainly, Misa trying to impersonate "The" Kira would pose problems, but on a lesser scale than a lovesick Shinigami that was out for his blood. Rem was truly in the palm of his hand. As long as whatever he did kept Rem's human alive. Simple enough, and a lot less stressful than making the girl believe he loved her. That had been a rotten deal. With how that had been headed, he would've been dragged kicking and screaming (mentally, of course) to the altar, to her bed, and on through the rest of his miserable existence. Just to stay alive. He wondered if Rem would have gone so far as to threaten him with death were he to be less than enthusiastic during intimate encounters. Talk about pressure.

But now... Haha, NOW he was safe. From this moment, his life remaining intact would be Rem's only security in keeping Misa from fouling up too badly. Rem may have been in love, but she was not blind to Misa's weak points. The only thing that puzzled him was why the Shinigami had not enlightened her as to his current not-dead state. Surely Misa had asked, and it must have been difficult for the Shinigami to mislead her. Was it merely jealousy? No, it had to be more complex. Rem had dealt with Misa's love for him up until now, professing Misa's happiness to come before all else. Surely the girl had been upset at the thought of his death and Rem would have wanted to remove her pain by telling her he was yet alive....

But that was not important right now.

Rem was wringing her bony, unearthly hands in a human fashion, waiting for his reply. It was stupid of her to think he would refuse. Refusal offered no strategical gain. Whereas accepting...

"I suppose," Light said to the white death god and veiled the pause with a fake yawn as he switched to address his dark-haired companion, "That we'll see soon enough if this is a hoax, or something worth our attention." Protecting Misa would, however challenge him as it put him at odds with L. It was bothersome, but at the same time, titillating. He cherished his new bond with L, but meeting his fellow genius' mind head on and trying to outwit him was thrilling.

Rem smiled - an ugly grimace with her dark fish lips and sharp teeth - and disappeared in an inaudible snap of white wings.

Light stared at the TV screen in a parody of attentiveness. Now he only had one Shinigami left that could take his life. Ryuuk. He hadn't seen the vulture-esque death god since the day he entered his initial confinement. He was mildly surprised that the grinning jackal had followed his instructions on that matter. Ryuuk was an unknown quantity. He listened only when it suited him, and often acted for the sole reason of staying entertained. Whatever had he found to capture his interest for so long? No matter. He would likely see the black winged thing soon enough if Rem had anything to do with it. Which suited him just fine.

---

"So.... how did it go?" the black-feathered Shinigami asked as he fell in line with Rem's flight.

"Don't talk to me, you buffoon, you are worse than no help at all."

Ryuuk grinned. "He agreed, didn't he?" he prodded with a laugh. "I told you he would. He's always been entertaining like that."

Rem muttered something unkind under her breath.

"What I don't get," Ryuuk continued conversationally, "is why you're so mad when he did exactly what you needed him to do."

Rem gnashed her teeth. "Because he is a pompous, arrogant little _human_," she spat. "And I cannot bear that I'll no longer have the ability to kill him when he eventually breaks Misa's heart."

Ryuuk looked at her balefully. "Are you sure you can't just tell her _why_ it won't work? Maybe then she'll just be angry and-"

"Fool," the white Shinigami cursed him as she shook her dreaded head. "She will then be angry AND heartbroken. Why can you not understand these simple things?"

Ryuuk scratched his shorn black hair with a blank look on his white face. "Are you sure? I think you are just making this more complicated than you need to. Just tell her what I showed you- OH..... Haha... HaaHAAHAAA!" Ryuuk had interrupted himself and started to cackle in glee. It was a horrifying sound. "You think she'll accuse_you_ of making it up! Heh HEH. And from there she might guess that you really l-"

"SILENCE. Not another word." Rem decided that as much as she hated Yagami Light, Ryuuk was coming in a close second.

He began flying in circles around her - just over her head - still a cacophony of laughter. _Worse than useless._She wondered how the Yagami human tolerated him.

---

Ryuuk flapped his thick, ratty black wings and veered skyward. He had to leave the ever-amusing Rem's side as they approached the Misa human's habitat. If the girl saw him hanging around it would lead to questions that would require lies to answer if Rem still insisted on not telling her anything about Light. Heh heh.

Rem was definitely complicating things by not telling the human. But watching her complicate things proved to be more fun to watch.

He was sad, though. While she still believed Light to be alive, the girl had provided him with many luscious apples. Now he had to count on Rem to sneak him some as a bribe to shut him up.

Every few hours or so, he thought of the fun that might be had if he simply showed up and told Rem's human that Light was alive and well. Snicker. Alive and taking that detective for a ride.

Ryuuk grinned at nothing in particular and flew a path of crooked, cockeyed figure eights. It felt so good to be this entertained. Rem needed to ditch the human and LIVE a little.

Slowly though, Ryuuk found himself gravitating back to where his human still resided. It was true what he said about Light being entertaining. Watching the interaction between him and that detective human these past several weeks had been too good for words.

Ryuuk closed his eyes and chortled. _Much_ more amusing than watching some stupid human girl who did absolutely nothing.

---

"You know, Yagami-kun," L said thoughtfully, staring at the whipped cream covered strawberry he had poised on his fork. "If this really is Kira, or even a second Kira, the case will be reopened and we will be unable to leave Japan." He slid the deep red fruit off the fork with his teeth in an entirely unnecessary provocative fashion.

Light cursed him and cursed whoever invented strawberry shortcake.

Yagami-kun. YAGAMI-KUN. L was driving him nuts.

"Do you want some, Yagami-kun?" L asked pleasantly, as if he weren't baiting the brunette. "I believe I might feel inclined to share."

"NO, I don't want any of your dessert," Light snapped. "And why do you insist on acting like I have any control over this situation? I don't _want_ to stay in Japan, I _want_ to leave, and it would be pointless for me to be the one doing the heart attacks, even if I_could_, because it goes against my best interests in multiple ways."

"No, Yagami-kun, that is not entirely true," L said dismissively as he licked the whipped cream off another speared strawberry. Light felt his eye twitch at hearing his family name yet again, and for other reasons that he was not going to let himself dwell upon at the moment, due to the futility of it. "You see, if you truly wished to leave Japan, you would have given me the location of the notebook. So it stands-" L paused to collect a portion of the sponge cake which disappeared into his mouth along with the naked strawberry. " - that you still harbor a desire for power and 'godhood' as we will refer to it, and are loath to relinquish your role as Kira."

Light scowled at him. God, he wished he were that cake.

"As such," L turned those endless black eyes on him, "I must assume that you are, and always were, planning to regain your throne regardless of what transpired between us."

"That's ridiculous," he spouted automatically as he tried to focus his mind on what he _should_ be focusing his mind on. Besides, it was only _partially_ accurate. He'd gone into this thinking he would re-assume his role when it was safe, but time with L was twisting him and making him horribly dependent. He had started to crave every interaction the other could provide... Light's scowl deepened. And he could hardly compose a decent argument while L insisted on eating his cake as if he were on camera. How was he supposed to _think_ while watching that?

_Well, then. That should be a clue right there._ L didn't expect him to. L was becoming aware of the arsenal at his disposal, and was using it quite artfully even in these beginning efforts.

Light looked away, to the much safer image that the blank walls afforded. _To think, not one week ago, all L seemed to have on his mind was my alter ego and his potential molestation._ Either that had become a back-burner issue for the detective, or Light had successfully integrated the Kira aspect enough to shoot himself in the foot. Goddammit.

He rapidly cobbled together a crude but believable rejoinder in his head, with which to sate L's questions, determined not to let the lapse of time in his response lengthen any further, lest L use that against him.

"Perhaps you would like to inject some honesty into the statement you are about to issue?" L suggested as Light opened his mouth to speak.

The audacity of it was too much to bear.

"You infuriate me," Light said instead, between clenched teeth, to which L responded with a pleased little smile.

_Calm yourself, Light. You are only feeding into his little game. He can't win if you don't react. Calm. Be Zen. What the hell happened to your acting skills?_ "To think," Light said, shaking his head and adopting a sorrowfully frustrated tone. "After all of what has happened between us... it is still so easy for you to write me off with your accusations."

L peered at him the way he might if he were dissecting a delightfully complex problem. "You are a piece of work, Yagami Light." There was an almost appreciative tone to his voice.

Light met his eyes skeptically, not sure what to expect. He kept in character, however.

L rose from the table, abandoning the chair he'd been sitting on to stand beside Light's. "Even when I know you're putting on a show," L dropped to a crouch, putting them at a near equal eye level. "Even then, I still find it to be so utterly convincing."

"Perhaps it is your paranoia that tells you I'm not sincere as opposed to your perceptions."

"You are also such a handy liar. I'd almost say you have attained a level of artistry with it."

L's face was elusively close enough to kiss as he delivered the backhanded compliment. Light sneered at himself as he realized that _that_ was yet again foremost in his mind. _Look what you've done to me_, he railed silently.

"How nice of you to say, Ryuuzaki. If ever I were in doubt as to whether you were able to commence a somewhat normal relationship with another being, you have laid my quandaries to rest."

"Normal?" Dark eyes widened marginally in surprise. "What, pray tell, in the whole of our interaction could ever have been labeled in such a way?"

"Well, I suppose you could say that it is normal for people not to trust each other..." Light suggested. "It is also not uncommon for people to give in to the more... simple urges, despite that..."

"I assure you that I will refrain from doing so while so many of your intentions remain to be seen."

L was so adamant, his eyes flashing with such steel behind them, that he was leaving himself wide open for a taunt. Far be it from Light not to oblige.

"Then by all means, come closer," Light said loftily. "If you are going so far in doing the opposite of what you say, then you might as well go all the way with it."

L surprised him by grabbing the collar of his shirt and wrenching him forward into a forceful kiss. It was rough - teeth and lips clashing haphazardly as they each sought to conquer the other. Heated mouths locked around intertwined tongues. Light's eyes closed as he gave in to the glorious aggression of it.

Ah, LIFE was distilled into the very fabric of contact such as this, Light thought. Always these razorblades were between them - even had it been tender. But then, it was the complexity of their interaction that he needed so badly. Simplicity, contentment, those were the things that ushered in the boredom they both strove to escape. _This violent passion is the balm for what ails us..._

He was quite disappointed when L pulled away.

"I hate how you make me do that," L growled, surging to his feet. His hand came up as if to wipe the kiss from his bruised lips but it hovered ineffectually as he glared daggers at Light, blaming him by word and deed.

"Me??" Light grabbed at L's wrist as he made to storm off. _Though perhaps a measure of complacency would have its place._ L's instability in regards to their intimacy could often prove aggravating beyond measure, especially when he lashed out. Didn't he understand how they worked yet? "What is it with you and compulsively laying blame at my feet?" Light snapped.

"You-" L started in.

"I what? I did absolutely nothing! Just like I did absolutely nothing in regards to those recent _"Kira"_ murders."

Narrowed amber eyes met impudent black abysses. You could practically hear the ticking of calculations behind the scenes as the staring contest waned on.

Eventually, L looked away and put a hand over his face to collect himself. He might have been counting to 10 for all Light could tell from the long pause. "I apologize," he said in a flat voice. "That was an unnecessary thing to say."

"It isn't you saying it that bothers me, and you know it."

L's hand lowered and he had a shoddy poker face hanging over his suppressed emotions. "Of course. You're right. I always shift blame onto you unjustly."

Light decided he didn't like where this was going. Unfettered emotion was creeping back into L's voice.

"And how dare I question or distrust the perfection that is _you_? What use have I of this mind of mine that so wrongfully distrusts you when you have been caught being UNTRUSTWORTHY?"

Light let go of his wrist, not liking the quality of tension that suffused the slender limb. "It isn't like you to yell, Ryuuzaki," he said quietly, aiming to tone down the discomfiting feel to the air. He had yet to figure out how to deal with the other at times like this. Emotion seemed an ill-fitting thing for the dark-haired detective, a loss of control. Dealing with it directly would be a slap in the face because of that, would it not?

L immediately donned his impassive look, and made a show of adjusting his body language into a facsimile of relaxation.

"Light, I have never fully trusted you."

His voice was calm. Matter of fact. Obviously a front for the explosiveness Light had just witnessed, but it was best that L maintained his control.

"I know." Still, it was somewhat vexing to hear him say that, so Light responded in kind, "And I have never put all of my faith in you, either." The truth of that was arguable. L had mainly won his trust when he had arranged for Light's fake execution and all the trouble that entailed. He had further solidified that trust by not throwing him to the wolves over his... ugh, he really detested saying split personality, but that is essentially what it was. How pointless to be Kira, if that part separated off from your true consciousness. Where faith waned was in the unpredictable nature of L's emotive side. Jealousy and Suspicion were untamed beasts. Coupled with L's need for equality and his childish drive to get even, that could bring everything down around them.

"So where does that leave us?" L's face looked drawn. "I don't know how these things go, I'm being honest. Every time I think we have come to terms, something new springs up and makes me doubt the validity of it all. I never regretted preserving your life, but I always wonder when I might feel the knife in my back."

"I can't erase that doubt for you."

L peered at him, evaluating the manner in which he meant that statement. _Can't? Or won't?_ That was what L wanted to know. But that was a distinction Light did not feel at liberty to make. He wasn't ready.

"Ryuuzaki... being Kira still seems to me the only way to change this world. It is not so easy to give that up. I need time to adjust my thinking. I can't just give it all over to you now - I would resent you too much."

_I don't wish to ever betray you... it is furthest from my mind. But how am I to choose between these two things? You or becoming Kira once more? Each fulfills something in me, offers me something the other cannot. And if I were to relinquish the title of Kira, could I hand the Death Note over to you, knowing it will be destroyed? That the world would have no hope of the cleansing it needs? Conditional surrender... if I gave everything up, would you agree on the terms that I be allowed to free the notebook out into the flow of humanity for some other soul to pick up? What then? Would I be happy not knowing the moral fiber of such a one? The odds of them understanding what they need to do, instead of using it for selfish whims.... _

"I see," L said quietly. Disappointment layered his voice. "Perhaps I overestimated you, Light-kun."

Those words shook something within Light. Something fragile. He didn't like it. "You see nothing."

* * *

TBC


	20. Shinigami

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 20: Shinigami)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

**A/N:** **Please review and bolster my motivation...**

I've been writing a lot (on ch 24) but apparently my opinion of my own work depends on what other people think. eeeerg.

Thank you, all three of you, who did review. In the depths of my self-criticism hell, you gave me a flicker of hope.

(P.S. Is anyone digging the timely updates? It's a miracle of... something.)

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 20:

"Hiya, Light."

Light looked up in annoyance from where his steepled hands rested between his knees. "Hello, Ryuuk," he said under his breath.

It seemed the Shinigami had been hanging around long enough that he had chosen to time his appearance in conjunction with L leaving for the restroom.

"How long have you been skulking about, hmm?" he asked the thing.

Ryuuk just grinned at him. It was hard to tell, given the monstrous deformity of the death god's piranhaic face, but he may actually have been leering.

"If you have something to report, might I suggest you move it along? You only have-" He consulted his watch, "-roughly 45 seconds."

"Hmmm," it burbled in its throat. Light had a hard time genderizing the things. _'It'_ seemed much more appropriate. "Only if I expect you to respond." It chuckled.

"Suit yourself," Light said airily. _God_, that thing set him off almost as well as L when it wanted to! They probably did it for similar reasons as well.

"I want apples," Ryuuk said.

"Do I _look_ like I can help you out there?" he hissed. "L would definitely notice an apple eating itself in midair."

"So tell him about me. He already knows you're Kira, what could it hurt?"

_YOU FOOL!_Light wiped his hand over his face, to stall the response he wanted to give outright. "He doesn't know about the _Shinigami_, Ryuuk."

"So?"

"So, if he did, that would complicate things."

"Are you sure it isn't complicating things more by not telling him?" Its grin showed multiple rows of sharp teeth, much like a shark's. It was being deliberately obtuse.

"_Yes._ If I told him, not only would he be watching me too closely for me to communicate with you, he would figure out that the notebook is the key to seeing you, thus giving him another reason to hound me for it. On top of that, he would know there is a second Shinigami that accompanies the second notebook, and I would be under suspicion for directing its movements."

"Haha oops. Out of time," The death god said as the door to the bathroom opened. L shuffled out, sparing a cursory glance at Light before sitting down at his laptop. It was surprising he bothered using the hotel room desk at all, but Light supposed that always had been about making a point.

Well, great. Ryuuk, the useless informant, was out of time. Fantastic. Light made a shooing motion with his hand. _If you can't talk, you can damn well leave. _

The Shinigami regarded the dismissive hand with glee. "Now that he's back, I can tell you what I was going to say."

Useless.

Ryuuk hovered in front of his face. "Can you do that thing with him again where you don't talk? It's wildly entertaining and you don't seem to be doing it as much anymore."

Light blanched. _Is he- ?_

_No, no, no, he could not mean.... _

But the grin that threatened to split Ryuuk's face verified that that was exactly what he meant. _Good god._ THIS was what had kept the damned thing busy all this time? He was going to be sick. He stood abruptly, fighting down rage and mortification, his hand hovering over his mouth. His battle was accompanied by the echoing laughter of one highly amused, vile, voyeuristic Shinigami. The disgust he felt at that moment was unrivaled.

Light took several strides towards the bathroom door.

He sensed slight movement and flicked his eyes to where L was sitting. Dark eyes were on him, of course, questioning. "Something I ate must not be agreeing with me," the brunette lied weakly, fleeing the room before L had a chance to analyze his expression too thoroughly.

---

Ryuuk left his human alone after that, feeling that an exuberant wheeling through the skies was in order. Light was the best. He never ceased to provide an endless source of amusement. Oh, the look on his face. It was priceless.

Ryuuk had a vague nagging in the back of his otherworldly head that Light was going to hate him quite acidly after this, but it was worth it. Besides, it wasn't like the boy had any choice but to tolerate the death god. Afterall, it was Ryuuk's Death Note that enabled him to become Kira. He couldn't be rid of Ryuuk and he had no way to inflict harm or punishment upon an incorporeal being, much as he may have liked to.

Rem should learn to handle her human in _this_ way.

She shouldn't let herself get so involved.

Humans were here for their enjoyment. To be toyed with and be amused by. That was why love and such nonsense were taboo. It messed up the system and gave humans power.

Ryuuk blinked as he flew through some low hanging clouds. It occurred to him that after telling his human what he had, that he would be deprived of that special brand of entertainment from now on. Light was a very proper sort of human and somewhat shy, judging by his reactions over such things.

The black-winged Shinigami uttered a hacking grunt, his way of expressing despondence.

_Maybe __**I **__complicated things this time...? _

He took a spinning dive and set off in search of Rem to hold the white Shinigami up for apples. Apples made everything better.

---

Hours later, and Light could not stop seething. How dare that decrepit vulture do such a debased thing!? Had it borne witness to_every single time_ he and L had been together? Oh, if only he could kill it in retribution for such an abominable act. What he and L shared was their own. It was not some cheap thing to be gawked at!

"Light, are you certain you are ok?" L asked for the fifth time.

"I'm fine," he growled. "I couldn't be better." Being Kira would also mean being saddled with Ryuuk. Heavens help him, why did being Kira demand such exacting payment? As much as he disliked Rem, the white Shinigami was infinitely more civilized. But wait - perhaps he could make a trade?

Oh, who was he kidding? Even if somehow he convinced it to leave Misa's side, he would suffer its ugly, hateful stare boring into his skull at all hours. Both of the death gods were equally distasteful, though for quite different reasons.

"You might find this of interest," L spoke up from across the room, his voice lightly sardonic in tone. "Your online fan club is already gathering in full force."

Light lifted his head from where he lay sprawled on the bed. That _was_ an uplifting thought.

...until he considered he may yet have to give up the role of Kira, in which case the fans would no longer be his. Damnation.

"Pointless trivia, Ryuuzaki," he said emptily. "I'm Kira no longer."

"But you want to be."

"I don't even _know_ what I want anymore," he sighed listlessly, ignoring L's prompt and resuming his long standing staring contest with the ceiling. _I want to stop feeling like everything is being taken from me. If I restore Kira as the world demands, I lose you. But for as long as I deny them Kira, I _gain _you, but am unable to do more than speak with you because of that fucking Shinigami. _

Was this depression he felt? Was he actually depressed?

Light heard the definitive click of the laptop snapping shut and closed his eyes, listening to the padding of L's footsteps until they reached him.

"What's wrong with you?"

_Oh, what does it matter anymore?_ "I'm either bored or depressed. Take your pick."

"You don't appear to be bored. You seem to have a lot on your mind." The bed gave way slightly as L sat next to him.

"Ah... I'd thought that boredom might be naught but a pipe dream. Depression then, is it? How droll." What was it about the low swinging moods of his that required an excess in dramatic verbosity? Was it an offhanded way of seeking attention? If so, it was working splendidly because L was utterly focused upon him, radiating cautious concern. He didn't even need to see it to detect it. _Oh, if only I were of a mind to truly enjoy such a thing..._

"Do you need some fresh air?"

"I don't know," Light said rather petulantly after a moment of consideration.

"...food?"

Light shook his head.

"Are you suffering from lack of mental stimulation?"

"I don't know."

This was a rather childish form of 20 questions, but it was all the effort Light wished to expend. Oh, why had everything turned out so rotten? It had all been going so well, with only minor setbacks. He'd been Kira - life was good. He'd been Kira being harassed by the detective L - life was troublesome. He'd infiltrated the investigation team and met L face-to-face - life had become interesting. He'd realized their mutual draw and strove to act upon that attraction - life had been exciting. He'd succeeded in possessing the other boy and crafting real bonds with him - life had become _worthwhile_.

Did it follow the that life as Kira was less than life with L? _'Worthwhile_' trumped _'Good'_ on the outset, but nothing was so simply compared. There were always other factors to consider.

"Are you suffering from lack of any _other_ sort of stimulation?" L asked carefully.

Light jumped as fingertips brushed his arm, the contact and suggestion making his stomach drop out in a flurried rush. His eyes jerked up to L's face as he wrenched his arm back. "N-No," he said quickly, the faint tremor in his voice caused by the curdling thought of giving in to what he always wanted, only to have that despised sentry keeping watch.

L did not change expression or act wounded, but retained his tentative poise. "Why did you respond differently to that one?"

Light debated saying 'I don't know' to that, but L would neither believe it nor leave it alone. "I just happened to have an opinion on that matter," he said staunchly. "I'm not in the mood."

"Do you still feel ill?"

_Ill? Oh, right. Earlier..._"I suppose that could be the case, though I do not feel actively sick." He stopped talking as L put a hand to his forehead as if to check his temperature. The gesture was touching.

"Hmn. I'm no expert, but your skin feels like it is maintaining a normal temperature." Dark eyes returned to his. "Should I call for Watari to be sure?"

"No, that isn't necessary. He needn't suffer my presence." In response to L's raised brow he explained, "I was a bit contrary the last time we met." Flat out antagonistic, to be specific. He had been going out of his mind with frustration and boredom, and the older man had become an acceptable target.

"Ah," L said, nonplussed. "I admit, I am at a loss as to what I can do for you."

"Why not give me some tranquilizers and let me sleep for a week? Perhaps things will be different then." A lot could happen in a week. He could wake up, fully Kira or fully himself, possibly even knowing what he should do with himself. Ryuuk could have exploded... Oh, it didn't matter how, only that it was a pleasing thought...

"Why not just go to sleep?" L stared down at him benignly. "It's late enough now."

"What about you?"

L sagged a little. "I'm tired. And I'm tired of fighting."

Light became more alert. "Are you requesting a truce?"

L said nothing at first but nudged Light out of the way so he had room to stretch out on the bed next to him. "If that will allow things to go back to normal..." He trailed off and tucked over on his side, legs partially drawn up in a comfortable manner. His breathing was hesitant but even.

L's form seemed so much smaller when he was off his feet. The curve of his back looked vulnerable beneath the white cloth of his shirt and his slender neck was just visible between the jagged locks of his disorderly black hair. Little details... things Light had never expected to move him or prick the lifeless embers of his heart.

Light put Ryuuk out of his mind and pulled L back against his chest with an arm around his waist. With his face buried against L's warm neck and the chaos of his soft black hair, he felt a sort of peace steal over him.

He'd intended to accept L's truce, but before he knew it sleep had claimed him and stolen the words.

---

"Misa... please reconsider," Rem urged. "Remember that with as intelligent as Light was, he was still brought to his knees by the detective L." Rem mentally winced at her choice of words. Ugh! What was wrong with these humans that they would choose other males over a girl like Misa? Yagami should have been honored to have her affections, but instead, he treated them like trash.

"I know _that_, Rem! But I don't care! I have to do something. I can't just let L win like that when poor Light..." she broke off with tears brimming her eyes. She managed to reign them in but it was a hard earned effort achieved only through the passage of time. "I want to pay him back for what he did to us." She looked at the Shinigami with watery eyes. "Don't you understand? We were to be _married_. And now..."

_Married? __**Ha. **__Not if Yagami had anything to say about it._ Rem knew Light would rather see Misa dead in a gutter than take vows with her. The only reason he'd let her live after she discovered he was Kira was that she had made the deal for the eyes which was useful to him, and he was not stupid enough to discount Rem's death threat were he to endanger Misa or make her unhappy.

He was the most deplorable human she'd met.

Humankind prided itself on its emotion and its capacity to care. But not _him_. Light was the antithesis of such things. He was cold, calculating, and incapable of more than furthering his own selfish schemes. He was a slick predator who devoured everything that could be bent to his use, leaving nothing but destruction in his wake.

He would make an excellent death god.

Maybe too excellent. His efforts and motivation would likely replace the lot of them. Either that or his vain wails would shatter the dark realm when he donned the grotesque appearance they all came to possess. The conceited creature.

"I'll be careful, Rem. I promise."

"I know you will try, but L is a cunning adversary. He'll find you through even the slightest error-"

"Rem!" Misa shouted, hands over her ears. Her hands were shaking. "_Please_. I have to do this! Can't you just support me?"

"... Of course," Rem said distantly, drawing back. _You poor, foolish girl. You insist upon your demise. _"You are the owner of the notebook, so I must follow your instructions." _I will always do my best to protect you. Notebook or no._

Misa looked unhappy. "But I don't want y-" she stopped and seemed to rethink what she'd been about to say. "Ok, she finished instead. "Thank you."

Again, the bitter taste of being beholden to Yagami revisited the death god. But he was going to be the only thing that could keep Misa from blundering into her own death... the only thing between her pursuit of emotional ideals and **L**.

For that, she should be grateful.

---

L woke after a few hours, fully rested. Light was still sound asleep, his arm curled loosely about L's waist and his face bearing the innocence it adopted when he was not conscious. The irony was never lost upon L.

Light's hand flexed as L slid out from beneath his arm, as if it were trying to grasp at something that was eluding him. When it came up empty, Light curled it up against his chest as if he were cold. L took the edge of the comforter and carefully folded it over the sleeping boy. He stood there watching him several minutes longer, running through past snatches of dialog, weighing them in his mind against what he knew of the brunette. Even more gingerly, he examined his own feelings, poking at them from as far back as he could get.

No. Nothing had changed.

It seems the emotion this boy brought out in him remained constant. It was merely his own reaction, in trying to deal with his feelings in the face of each new day, that changed. When the situation presented evidence that he was stranded, alone in his... caring for Light, he could feel his calm, logical self melt into desperate anger.

Not being able to trust the brunette, _knowing_ he shouldn't, ate at him like a cancer.

It cast a dark pall over everything and warped him into the unreasonable, reactive creature he was becoming.

Why couldn't Light see that it was these extenuating circumstances that forced him to irrationality? Or did he see, and find it a hindrance? Inconvenient to address? Perhaps he even sought to waylay him with such distraction?

Light shifted in his sleep, murmuring nearly inaudible nonsense. He appeared so harmless like this. So much so that it was difficult for L to grasp hold of the suspicion flowing through his fingers like water. Surging up to replace it was this crushing, yet warm feeling in his chest. Was this love? Velvet chains to bind you still so you could not run away from even your greatest fears?

L made himself move on, walking over to the desk and bringing his laptop to life. While he waiting for it to boot up, he sprawled into the desk chair and swiveled it to face the bed. It was not his imagination that Light had been acting differently today. Much of his speech and mannerisms had been uncharacteristic.

L chewed on his lip absently. It was shortly after the newscast regarding the new Kira killings. Curiously, it was not the newscast that seemed to bring about such a change. No... Light's focus had definitely sharpened, and though he had been staring at the screen, there was nothing presently on that would have required such attention. Something was amiss... some little detail he hadn't yet marked.

The other moment of noticeably odd behavior was after he emerged from the restroom on one occasion. If L hadn't known better, he'd say Light was reacting to another person in the room. The expression on his face had not been one of his standard, and there was no reason for him to be making it while he was alone.

Suspending belief for a moment... what if he had not been alone? What if he had somehow exchanged information with someone at that time? It would account for other things as well, such as his prevailing indescribable mood for the night. But how was it accomplished?

It was also suspicious that this was occurring in tandem with the new murders.

Was the brunette communicating with the second Kira? Was it a proxy to which he was issuing instructions while he was incapacitated? If that were true then why now and not earlier? Perhaps Light was being truthful when he said he had nothing to do with the killings. The new Kira did not operate in a manner that befitted the previous Kira, so they were definitely not Light himself and they were certainly not taking direction from him.

A second Kira.

Was Light's reluctance to offer the notebook to him due to it already being in use by someone else?

Hmm... But it would go against Light's character to give up such power even temporarily. Especially if he were not assured he could retrieve it from the individual who currently possessed it.

Did that mean... that there were _two_ notebooks?

L swiveled his chair to face the desk. He began rapidly typing on the keyboard with a sick sort of excitement. TWO. Two notebooks. So even if he destroyed the one in Light's possession, another Kira would be free to exercise their will upon the world.

Was there something that enabled the Kiras to communicate?

If a notebook could cause death, it wasn't too far-fetched that they could have a means of doing so. But it was more than simple communication. In the second instance, after he had come from the restroom, Light had been schooling his expression, however badly. He had been reacting to something he could _**see**_.

Was it a direct connection to the other Kira? Or was there some sort of intermediary agent that would allow the Kiras to stay anonymous to each other? The latter would be more practical, or the Kiras might potentially try to kill each other in order to secure their basis of power and become the supreme authority in the world. Light would likely do that, anyway.

L tested the flesh of his thumb with firm teeth.

No, it wasn't a direct connection, as Light would then have already disposed of his competition. And he would not know the Kira personally either, even if he were aware of their existence.

The laptop screen reflected in washed-out blue light upon L's wide, dark eyes. His hands returned to the keyboard in a flurry of keystrokes. Within moments he had the most frequented Kira advocacy sites before him. He began combing through the news and forums, searching for anything that might be of some consequence.

This new Kira... would they prove as much of a challenge as Light had? It was both an exciting and a terrifying thought.

---

Cold.

Hot......

Dark.

Light...?

...

His groggy mind pieced together the conflicting information his senses sent him.

...Feet were cold.... Body was hot....

Darkness was everywhere but for a small beacon of reflected light that amplified dimly upon the hotel room wall.

When had he become tangled in a comforter? Light wondered muzzily. Last he recalled, he'd fallen asleep with Ryuuzaki...

_L,_ he amended firmly. _L was what I meant... I never call him Ryuuzaki in my head. _

But 'Ryuuzaki' had a nicer flow to it. The syllables just rolled off the tongue... it almost had a sensual feel to it... 'L' sounded so cold, final, and lifeless. Clinical. Something to be spat out. Though, granted, up until recently that was often the tone in which he'd used the name. It had always been: _'L, you little bastard' _or some such thing. When had that changed?

With slight alarm, Light realized he had no idea.

No matter.

...

_Ok, so it did matter_, Light thought sullenly, wrapping his cocoon of blankets tighter about his suffocating body. But would dwelling upon it have any sort of positive effect? Was he really going to sit here and brood over it?

Light shifted and noted how his pants were annoyingly and claustrophobicly entwined with his legs, adding to the feeling of entrapment and uncomfortable heat. He stubbornly tried to ignore it. The blankets were providing a proverbial shield, protecting him from the outside world whilst he dissected himself in secret.

He hated dissecting himself in secret.

It implied that it took extra effort for him to begin to understand himself, which was preposterous. And grossly untrue. He was just musing upon things. Yes, a pastime in which he regularly engaged. It kept his mind fresh._'Know thyself'_ was his own personal mantra. He upheld it devoutly. Not that he could say as much for Ryuuzaki. **L**. Not that he could say as much for **L**. The bastard.

...Right_. L the bastard_ subscribed to the more commonly practiced: _'Know thy enemy.'_A fine thing indeed, but one should also know their own inner workings lest enemies exploit the things of which they were unaware. For instance, L's vulnerability when faced with any level of intimacy was glaringly obvious to Light immediately and it had been a relatively simple endeavor to twist that to his advantage. As Kira, he had come in cloak and dagger and brought L quite swiftly to his knees. Perhaps swiftly was not the correct term, but he had done it nonetheless, and _flawlessly_. L was in the palm of his hand.

Mostly. The dark-haired detective still had his rampant fits of mistrust. Which was only to be expected from someone with any measure of intelligence. To trust someone who embodied your greatest adversary was foolish.

Light frowned and worried at his lower lip with his teeth.

Even more foolish was said adversary expecting such trust, and wishing even for blind devotion. It was irrational, really. As was the nagging thought that he was growing tired of the way 'Kira' always came between them. Would dispelling Kira allow L the ability to trust him? To have faith in him? Would that give him L's devotion?

But why should he want such a thing? Did he not have everything he'd wanted and more? Didn't he love forcing the other boy to submit to him while his mind rebelled? Didn't he love the delicious irony of it? That the great L could be brought to heel with emotion and physical desire, things he'd sworn he was incapable of?

Light recalled the soft feel of L's hair upon his cheek, the ambrosia of trust that L offered with his exposed back and closed eyes, and the pleasing feel of the boy's body against his. If it was all about power, then how could things such as that spark the most affecting feelings within his chest and alter his sense of well-being?

If power were all, why then did it bother him that in an altered state of consciousness, in which he was unaware, he had bound L tightly with fear and anguish? Should that not be a victory against one's adversary? But the knowledge had held nothing but shock and dismay. Initially. He'd admitted that there must be some sick part of himself to feel compelled by such things. Indeed, there would have to be, because that altered state was merely an amplified piece of himself.

Did he enjoy brutalizing L because the detective was not trying hard enough to get away? Was he intrigued to see how much the dark-eyed boy would suffer for him?

_What a way to repay loyalty, Light... You bastard._

Light felt a moment of extreme self-loathing. He'd come from a normal middle class family and had not endured much in the way of hardship... How had he come to be like this? He was reveling in the pain of someone he cared about. Only... he felt guilty about it.

But so what if he felt guilty? He was still _doing_ it. He'd _liked_ forcing intimacy on L. Seeing him so angry, helpless, and wrought with unwilling desire had been the most exquisitely intoxicating drug. But he'd also liked what came after that... after his mock death, L had seemed to reach a state of acceptance and had offered him everything freely with both shy, hesitant hands and it had been the most powerfully intimate thing he had experienced. That sacred, fragile display of trust...

Light scrunched deeper into the sweltering blankets. Long ago his feet had been pulled out of the cold and were now as hot as the rest of him. There was no relief from the stagnant air. It was enough knowing that any small movement could let in a stream of cool air to relieve him and that he wouldn't do it.

Self-imposed punishment? It would be laughable if he didn't also think it might be a necessary discomfort to try and bring some resolution to the duality he faced. He had one foot firmly planted in either side of himself. Both wanted L. Both wanted Kira. But only one side could truly have L, and the other could only truly have Kira.

He had the sudden, wild urge to lay it all before L. To give him all the pieces and ask him his honest opinion.

L would give him a clinically objective response.

_Wouldn't he?_

Light took a deep breath of oxygen depleted air. If he were L, and he cared about someone... could he answer clinically? If L asked him for an opinion such as that, and the options boiled down to being with L or without... would he be capable of answering in any way but the way that would keep them together? From L's view, Light could either choose to be with him and be safe... or he could choose Kira and be dogged by death.

Really, now. What kind of choice was that? Light would be spitting in L's face to choose Kira; to refuse to give Kira up and refuse to give L the notebook...

But that was L's narrow view. He was conveniently leaving out pertinent details. The WORLD. He was leaving out everything that did not concern just the two of them.

He was...

He was acting like he was in love.

Light felt his heart momentarily still in his chest. Despite this, the sound of rushing blood filled his ears. Love? Did L _love_ him??

He had to forcibly tell himself to breathe.

It made sense... the detective's seemingly irrational behavior, his sudden flares of temper, his refusal to abandon Light even when Light was harming him.

Hadn't he once thought to himself how they were both incapable of such an emotion? He'd been so certain, and yet... he could almost see in his mind's eye, the image of Ryuuzaki, dark eyes opened wide in shock and denial, a hand about his pale throat. As if he'd just admitted or been accused of such a thing. Curiously, Light could imagine leaning down then, kissing that trembling mouth... sinking into the reluctant acceptance it offered and reveling in the wetness L's tears left upon his cheek when their faces touched.

Light bit his lip, deep in the bowels of his cave.

He wasn't given to such vivid imagery.

But he did not like to think it was anything but.

_No, not memories... _

_Please not that._

If they were...what else had occurred while Kira was in control? How much of his memory was blocked and fractured? How much was L hiding from him? How many things had he brushed off as unimportant, that Light had blindly let go?

Thinking back, too many.

_I__hate this._

_Why is this all so complicated? Why am I left with nothing but self-depreciation? I cannot be held responsible for things of which I was not aware! No one is perfect._

Light felt his fist clench and twist in the sheets. _As soon as I knew, I started pulling Kira back. Once I was aware of the fission I was able to start mending the separation. I've done all that L could ask of me!_

(What of the notebook?)

_I can't!_

(For loathing yourself as a true Kira, you cling rather tightly to the role as an ideal.)

_I don't loathe myself as Kira, I loathe part of me being Kira by itself. Now that I know, I will be whole and such a separation will not occur again._

(Who's to say you won't lose yourself again? Isn't it only L that has kept you in check?)

_Silence! I refuse to argue with myself like this; it is absurd._

(You are absurd,) the voice whispered disdainfully.

_Fuck you,_ he snarled back.

He flung the blankets off of him, cool air whooshing in and striking him like an invasive, chill wind. Every cell of his body seemed to breathe it in with exultation. He shivered but it felt good. Welcome. Invigorating.

Rapidly, however, his body acclimated and he was aware of the sheen of sweat that dampened his skin. It made his clothes cling to him, unpleasantly reminding him of the cocoon of self-imprisonment and self-reflection, and he couldn't bear it. He wanted such thoughts out of his mind. Busily blocking out and sealing away such things, he began to strip off his unwanted garments. Vaguely, he was aware of Ryuuzaki speaking. _**L**_, he corrected automatically as he asked the room's other occupant to repeat himself.

"I said, I didn't realize you were awake, Light-kun." L said with a subtle falter.

"Yes, well... apparently I am." Damn these buttons. Why did he insist on wearing dress shirts?

"Is there," another tiny hesitation, "any particular reason for you to be abandoning your clothes?"

Light paused with his hands on the clasp of his slacks. His shirt lay in a useless slump on the floor. He met L's eyes and found them to be staring rather openly. "I'm hot."

"..."

Light slowly undid the clasp as he watched Ryuuzaki. "Do you have an objection you wish to voice?"

The detective shook his head, a minimal set of motions. "I find it peculiar. You always change in the bathroom."

_Peculiar... Peculiar... Your eyes say you find it to be more than that, Ryuuzaki._ Light slid the zipper slowly through its track, exposing the black boxers he wore underneath. "Am I making you uncomfortable, Ryuuzaki?" he asked innocently, challenging the detective's sense of pride. "Would you like me to leave the room?" He layered concern onto his tone to make it harder for the detective to reply affirmatively.

"Ah, no. That will not be necessary Light-kun."

There was another of L's little quirks, that Light suspected he was not wholly aware of. The detective called him 'Yagami' or 'Yagami-kun' while trying to be a pest, but it seemed 'Light-kun' was mostly a slip when he was attempting to maintain distance. He'd done it twice now.

Teasing L was calming his nerves and giving him something to focus on. He didn't berate himself too harshly for it. It was not hurting anything after all, and he felt the need for something familiar.

He slid the pants partway over his hips, making sure to catch his boxers and tug them lower as well. He felt rather smug as L's eyes lingered on the low-riding waistband. He knew his body was attractive - smooth, tawny skin and lightly muscled in all the right places. Silently saluting genetics or whatever odd happenstance that had gifted him so, he approached L, feeling gloriously empowered as those eyes couldn't quite manage to rise higher than his waist. "Are you sure, Ryuuzaki?"

Color touched those pale cheeks - it was just visible in the dim light as Light knelt before him and rested a hand on his knee. "I know you think I act oddly at times..." His hand wandered inconspicuously higher. "But I don't mean anything by it. I hardly know when I am doing such things... They're normal in other people's eyes."

"Do you normally touch people like this, Light-kun?"

Such bravado. Light leaned closer. "Only the ones I like," he said in a coy undertone. There, that got a reaction L couldn't quite suppress. "And you, do you normally stare at people the way you stare at me?" Light insinuated his body between L's knees. He felt the body in front of him shudder slightly as he stretched up to lay a kiss on L's exposed collarbone.

"I don't think I need to answer that."

"I'm flattered, Ryuuzaki," Light said silkily, a smile gracing his lips. Why did it feel so good to know that in this world, HE was the only one to capture and hold L's interest? That L belonged solely to him and no one else?

"Stop teasing me, Light, please," L said forlornly. It gave Light pause and pricked a hole in the warm balloon of his thoughts. L's eyes were sullen as they looked upon him. "Who wouldn't look at you that way? You're_you_."

The brunette frowned. "What do other people have to do with anything?"

"What don't they have to do with anything?"

"For starters, you are essentially a recluse, and I am essentially dead. I fail to see their pertinence."

"Aw, just when it was getting good," a grating voice huffed.

Light missed the very next thing that came out of L's mouth as he was overwhelmed that instant with blinding rage that one, Ryuuk was fucking watching them and two, he'd forgotten that Ryuuk was... well, _Ryuuk_.

_You voyeuristic rat BASTARD!_

Not for the first time, he wished he could kill the thing.

"Light," Ryuuk said with a guffaw from somewhere behind him. "I think he's trying to get your attention."

Light's eyes had drifted downward as he became preoccupied. He snapped them back up to L's face. _Fuck._ He knew he'd given something away in his expression and L was looking at him questioningly. "_I hate people_," Light spat as he pulled back, doing his best to ad-lib.

L looked mildly taken aback. A touch of confusion in his eyes as well.

_..._Perhaps that wasn't his best tuning-back-in improvisation to date. Light's stomach churned a hated feeling off kilter and out of touch with Ryuuzaki. _Fucking Shinigami._ This would only come back to haunt him. "What?" he snapped. "Why are you looking at me like that? You knew I felt that way."

L blinked slowly. "Yes..." His words came just as carefully. "I am just unsure as to why you wished to express such a thing when I was apologizing for the necessity of your mock death?"

_Oh._

_God...dammit..._

"Well, if people weren't so wretched and useless, I wouldn't have felt such a blazing need to become Kira and rid the world of them, thus I would have prevented the scenario that would have required faking my death." There. That sounded proper, didn't it? Light felt pleased.

"Is it here now?" L asked him.

Light's brows furrowed. "I'm sorry?"

L's dark eyes were flicking about the room. Searching. "I've done a lot of thinking," he said. "What I have concluded is that you are in possession of something that allows you to communicate with the other Kira, and possibly something that allows you to kill."

Light felt like the air had been knocked out of him. "What are you talking about?"

L's critical eyes swung to meet his, and delved into him so deeply he felt they were uncovering the deepest parts of him and exposing them to light. "You have been reacting to something recently, Light. It has been subtle, but not enough so that it would escape my notice."

Light, inconceivably, merely shook his head in denial.

"You had that same reaction a moment ago, to something, and I believe it is still in the room even now."

"Wow, he's good," Ryuuk approved with a laugh.

"Something you can see and hear, but I cannot," L continued as Ryuuk floated over to him and passed a hand through his head. Light did his best not to change expression. It was very difficult.

Ryuuk was now hanging upside-down and had turned to look out at him, partially through L's face. "This guy is pretty smart," Ryuuk said, grinning at Light and blinking his glowing, milky yellow eyes at him.

Light coughed into his hand, turning his head to the side to do so. How should he handle this? Should he tell L the truth? No... then he would want to see Ryuuk as he'd explained to the disgusting death god previously. Light looked at the detective with a skeptical look on his face. "I haven't the faintest idea what you are going on about." Best to see what L knew, first and foremost. Light tipped his head in a slightly arrogant and condescending manner. "And what do you think it is then, since you seem to have this all figured out?"

L looked at him with a queer light in his eyes. "I believe... it is a Shinigami."

* * *

TBC

**A/N:** Rejoice as Light engages in some intensive self-flagellation!

Take that, you sick little sadist, you! Muahaha. Ah ha ha..... totally kidding. I love Light. In all his sadomasochistic glory. (I feel bad for tormenting him). And, I feel a little bad for L, but you know he digs all that stuff, even if his mind goes 'noooooooooes!' his body is saying... do me hardcore? Or... something... Hmmmn, now that plot type things are on the move again, L is regaining some of his badass self. Could it be that Light will start to behave in the face of such MAJESTY? Find out next time, in "aBfSF:cliffhanger of the week"!

**p.s.** Most of the cliffies are entirely unintentional. It's just how the cookie crumbles. Chapters need to not be a zillion pages long or your eyes would cross and give you a migraine. And to top that off, you would lose your place while reading. Horrors.

.

.

.

Please tell me no one is reading whatever this stuff is that I'm writing.

... you're reading it though, aren't you?

_Aren't you?_

Stop it. Stop it right now! I will not tell you my secrets, even if you give me Lucky Charms, or ice-cold hard cider! I'm adamant. I'm zzzz....Zoh holy hell would you look at the time?

**p.s.s.** Ryuuk disturbs me. Deeply.


	21. The Messenger

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 21: The Messenger )  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

**A/N**: I cannot express the pain that is felt when having written a satisfying chunk of prose, only to have your program glitch and EAT it.

Rewriting is a hell I would not wish on anyone. You forever pine for scenes that you cannot recapture, and have to make do with their inferior replicas. I have extraordinary bad luck in such things. Even my preventative measures did not save me this time. Ahhhhrg it makes my head hurt. And it took 5 times as long to try and fix it. If only I didn't have a writing mode that was so purely creative that I actually don't know all of what I am writing until it is done. Blast and drat. It feels wonderful in the moment, but to lose everything right after is like having your heart ripped out. (Anyone wanna guess what got eaten?)

**A/N 2**: I finally read the 13th volume of Death Note (the guide). There was information in there of which I was previously unaware, so if the fic deviated too badly, I apologize. One area of note is the "organization" that was mentioned in L and Watari's conversation (argument) a little while back. While my original thought (and plotty plans) on the matter conflict with info from the guide, I see a way to bring it back around. And so I will. My aim is to keep this fic from being too AU, but also not rehashing the DN canon so closely that it lacks new material.

**Thank you for reviewing! **

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 21:

"Shinigami?" Light repeated, his mouth having gone dry.

"Yes."

L stared at him neutrally, if not sharply, waiting for him to react.

"That is beyond ridiculous, Ryuuzaki," Light scoffed, as his heart beat thumped heavily within his chest. His palms felt damp as his clenched hands began to sweat. _How did you know?? How could you have discovered it? _ He made his face go blank, then slowly filled widened eyes with dawning understanding as he forced a laugh. The act was harder to accomplish than it should have been. "You really had me there for a moment, Ryuuzaki." Haha, he thought sarcastically. "I forget at times that you possess such an unusual sense of humor."

"Oh, but I am not making a joke, Light-kun."

L was not taking the bait. L was fixated. He leaned forward, dark eyes wide in earnest. "If I am incorrect," he continued, pausing to bring his thumb to his lips in a manner that could only be described as smug, "please feel free to enlighten me."

Light turned his back to L, mind working furiously. The greatest damage control would be achieved by-

"Awww just tell him, Light," Ryuuk complained. "Your standoffs are so boooooooooring." Silent black wings fanned the air as the Shinigami hung from the ceiling like a spectre. "And I want apples." Its grotesque eyes flashed. "Feeeed meeee."

Light ignored the Shinigami. It was quite hard to do. It was maintaining a constant stream of requests and gravity-defying behavior. "Have you gone daft, Ryuuzaki?" Light turned back around looking concerned and perplexed. "Gods of death?" He spread his hands in appeal. "Next, are you going to try to convince me that you also believe in things like ghosts and leprechauns?"

"Of course not," L said disdainfully. His eyes narrowed. "Don't get snotty, Light."

"How else would you like me to react to such a ludicrous statement? It's fairytale nonsense!"

"I want to see it." L was like a bloodhound on a steady scent. He was not letting Light get around this with his usual diversions and tricks. "The Shinigami," he clarified needlessly when Light offered him a blank look. "I'm sure you know a way in which that might be possible?"

_Yes, but that would require the notebook... Not that you would believe me..._

"Should I describe it for you instead?" the brunette said reluctantly.

"Aaaaaaaaaaappleeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssss," Ryuuk caterwauled.

L jumped to his feet in excitement. "Yes, I insist."

Light folded his arms across his chest. "Very well. It is over by the door..."

The detective turned his head to stare at the empty space.

"It is a rather unpleasant shade of bright..." Light squinted appraisingly. "Orange, I suppose the color is. It is scaly..." Light pretended to scrutinize his 'Shinigami'. "It looks rather fishlike, actually."

"An orange... fish?" L asked skeptically, his brows drawing together in what looked like disappointment.

"Yes. Of a sort."

"A talking, orange fish?"

"Did I ever say that it talked?" Light queried stonily.

"No, I surmised that on my own."

Light scoffed at him. "A talking fish, Ryuuzaki? Honestly. You should know better."

"He really should," Ryuuk interjected, perching on L's unsuspecting head.

"It communicates mentally," Light finished, switching his attention from the _thing_ to his perfectly trimmed fingernails before L suspected the death god was no longer occupying his previously described position.

"It's on my head, isn't it?" L fretted.

Light saw a chance to peeve the detective. He raised apathetic eyes to the area above the dark-haired boy's head. Ryuuk waved at him again and flapped his wings. "Applessssss," it crooned.

Light gave L a pallid stare. "Nope," he said dismissively, flicking his eyes back to the vulture once more for L's benefit.

"I saw you look," L accused, shaking his head as if to dislodge what may be resting atop it. He ran a pale hand through his hair and his eyes skittered around to catch a glimpse of the thing. "I have a.... telepathic death-fish riding my head."

"It seems to like you," Light said drolly, a smirk lifting the corner of his lips.

"Light! You just said it wasn't there!"

"I know, and it isn't." He crossed his arms over his chest, giving his best condescending look. "There is no piscian death god."

L ceased swatting the air over his head. "There isn't?"

Ryuuk was still perched on L's head, cackling now.

"No," Light said.

"Well," L huffed, "I would think a death god would appear more threatening than a fish anyway. Maybe it would have scales or giant wings or something, and menacing eyes."

"You think if this guy owned the Death Note," Ryuuk piped up, "he would trade for the eyes?" The Shinigami hopped off his head and hovered over him like a stalker. "He's interesting. Maybe more fun than you, Light." Its undead eyes held a spark of mischief as it leered at him.

"I wouldn't know," Light responded to both of them. He made a derisive noise in the back of his throat and quelled the annoyance he felt as that _thing_ circled L.

The detective reclaimed his seat before his laptop, his shoulders hunching as he adopted his favored sitting style. Ryuuk sat on the desk beside him and poked a taloned claw repeatedly into the detective's ear.

"Light?" L's tone was wildly different from a moment ago, making him feel cautious.

"Yes, Ryuuzaki?"

"While I enjoy our little charades," he said, rolling his white-clad shoulders in a rather pointed way, "there is a time at which I find them to be inappropriate, and don't much appreciate them."

Light stiffened slightly.

"I will give you 10 days to be honest with me," L continued, his voice sharpening dangerously. "_Do you understand?_ 10 days in which I expect not only the notebook but confirmation of the Shinigami as well."

"R-Ryuuzaki, I can't-" Light tried to appeal to the detective's rational side while inwardly he reeled at the unexpected development. He had to maintain that the Shinigami did not exist.

L whipped around. His gaze was withering and even Ryuuk had stopped his antics.

"I can't do the impossible!" Light insisted, flooding his voice with desperation.

L surged to his feet and cracked a hand across Light's face, startling him beyond measure. "Don't you dare take me for one of your easily led pawns," L spat, "as I am most certainly not!"

Light's eyes widened further at the force of his companion's tirade.

"I see _through_ you, Yagami. I can sense the tenor of your lies. The Shinigami exists, and it has been in this room for approximately 15 minutes now."

Light held a hand to his throbbing cheek, anger flashing through him as the shock faded. _Oh, so you don't want to be protected, L? You won't allow me to spare you that __**thing's**__ influence? Maybe I _should_ just give you the Death Note and allow Ryuuk to salivate over your remaining life instead? With a transfer in ownership, I'll be absolved and free of the wretched demon._

Even so, he couldn't quite make himself do it.

"Why _not_ transfer it Light?" Ryuuk said darkly, eyes flashing. "I'll have fun corrupting this one, too."

"I have no reason to endure this mood of yours," Light spitefully, turning from the both of them. _Damn you, L! This is not a corner you want to back me into! _The brunette's arm was grabbed roughly as he made to stride across the room and away. L's fingers were like thin vices upon his flesh.

"I think you have plenty of reason," L hissed, yanking him by the arm so that they were face to face. "And you _will __**not**_ deny me." The detective held himself at his full height and used those several inches to good advantage, looking substantially more intimidating than a moment ago. "10 days, Yagami. That is all. Consider your position and my own. I will wait 10 days for you and no longer. If you persist in refusing me, things will change, and you will not like the outcome. Nor will I."

Intimidation never sat well with Light. It raised his hackles and sharpened his fangs. "Is that a threat, _Ryuuzaki?_" he sneered. Being pressured was pulling out his nasty side. As it always had. The fresh sting of the slap furthered the effect.

L, not to be cowed, leaned into his face aggressively. His eyes were blank, mirroring the brunette.

"Consider it an ultimatum."

---

When L left the room, his movements were stiff and jerky with anger and tension.

He'd actually done it.

He'd drawn the line in the sand.

This time, when he'd seen Kira begin to surface, it had done nothing more than enrage him. How long would this go on? Light consistently found new things to stunt any progress they made, and he couldn't take it anymore.

He would not allow Light to harbor thoughts of one day becoming Kira in full, while also stringing him along on the cutting threads of emotion that moved him to the other boy's whim. He'd force Light to choose. It was that simple. If he was sincere with L, then he must abandon Kira. Now, and for good.

L paused to lean against wall in the dimly lit hallway. Sickness was burning through the haze of anger, clenching at his stomach and forcing him to nausea. He despised such confrontations. Especially with Light. The stakes always felt so astronomically high.

_Have I done the right thing? What if more time was required? What if he stubbornly refuses to comply? He'd said before that he needed more time... will I be forcing him to act against my wishes?_

"Damn it, Light," he whispered harshly. "Every time I think I know what I'm doing..."

But this stalemate had to end.

---

Over the coming days, the second Kira's movements became an established pattern. The media took that bone and ran with it, devoting a phenomenal amount of time and effort to interviews, specials, and anything else they could come up with to hike up their ratings. The new Kira was, however, surprisingly silent. From the brashness that they typically displayed in their killing patterns, one would assume they would have put forth a public message already.

L tapped a pen against the hand-rest of his laptop, a thing which Light discovered could be incredibly annoying when sustained for over 30 seconds at a time. He considered asking L to stop, but he was half convinced that that would only encourage the dark-haired detective to do it more.

"Light," L broke the silence. "You do not know this Kira, correct?"

The brunette tossed an empty glare at the detective, feeling too tired to properly back it up with real malice. L had been working later and later into the night, chained to his laptop and his pursuit of the new Kira. It was chafing. "Of course not." Despite their heated exchange, their typical daily interaction had not been much affected, aside from the lack of closeness. But the 10 days seemed somehow to hang over both of their heads with equal pressure. "Why do you ask?"

"Come see," L said, and wheeled his chair back while staring at Light's face in a curious fashion.

Light shuffled over to the desk, exhaustion making his feet drag ungracefully.

"Because they seem to know _you_," L added as they both focused on the screen.

Light could have smacked himself in the forehead when he saw the illuminated pixels of the second Kira's sacred words gracing an advocacy forum. It was just the sort of careless thing he should have expected. It read:

**Subject:** I know you are watching.

I am watching you as well, with justice in my eyes. How well would you respond if I aired your secret? That you claimed the life of an innocent? I have the means. Would it stand you in good stead if it were known you took life falsely, and that your elusive prey has risen from the ashes unscathed? I think that this would cause you more trouble than you would like to admit. Consider the father.

--anonymous

_Misa Amane, you __**idiot**_, Light groaned internally. It seemed a vague enough message to the casual observer, and certainly there were plenty of responses to it on the forum to support that impression: People mocking the lack of detail, sympathetics wondering if Kira had taken someone from the author, people merely griping that the person was not a registered forum member... the list goes on. But in its vagueness, it also possessed a distinct lack of posturing that might have marked it as a message from a Kira wannabe. Was this the thing that originally flagged this message in L's mind? Not to mention the more obvious blunders...

"I assume you traced their IP address?" Light stated.

"Yes. It is registered with an internet cafe in Tokyo."

Well, at least Misa had thought that much through. But he couldn't commend her when she had practically announced she was after L for revenge, and that she was prepared to make a mockery of him on national television. It was too incriminating. Never mind that she had no way of knowing he was alive, as Rem seemed to be keeping secrets, nor proving it had she known. Regardless, the bluff would be more than enough to inflict damage.

"Light," L said suddenly. "Would you make a list for me of all the girls you have dated in the past several years?"

"Must I?" Light heaved an annoyed sigh, but mentally he let out a string of could already see where this was headed. "It would be quite a long list..." Only someone with a great attachment to him would be after 'revenge'. L would logically conclude that the second Kira would have been someone with whom he had fostered romantic ties. Light also cursed Misa for alluding to having known his father. But perhaps L would not jump straight to that _particular_ conclusion? He'd have to hope not, because the list of girls he'd actually brought home to meet his family was terribly small.

Misa had practically given herself away in one fucking move. God, she was an imbecile.

"Well," L drawled. "I suppose I could shorten the task by requiring only the girls that had met your family, but I was trying to be thorough."

"Why only girls?" Light asked, stalling for time.

"To my knowledge, you have dated no males." There was a curious questioning tone to L's voice that accompanied his raised brows. He seemed to have a vested interest in whether his supposition were false or not, but Light couldn't afford to dwell on that at the moment, intriguing as it may have been.

"So you believe the second Kira to be an ex-girlfriend of mine?" Luring L off of Misa's trail was going to be so exceedingly difficult. He had to out-logic him and widen the pool of suspects...

"I believe for one to seek revenge for someone else, they would have to have had strong ties with that person, probably of the romantic nature."

"Although if it were a one sided attachment..." Light proposed, "Not only would I have no knowledge of them, but they would remain hidden from your exclusive sampling."

"You are suggesting an admirer?" L stroked his thumb against his lower lip in consideration. "But they would also have to have known that you were Kira. How would that be possible without you having had contact with them?"

_Time to let some of the truth out in order to throw him of the scent._ "It is possible," Light's words came reluctantly, "With the notebook... you can enact a sort of trade. What the second Kira said about their own eyes confirms they have made this trade."

"I'm listening."

"In exchange for half of one's lifespan, the owner of the notebook may gain enhanced vision that allows them-" Light cringed a little here. He was giving so much away! But there was no choice. He had to dig Misa out of the hole she'd so quickly dug herself into. And this was the only way. "It lets them see a person's name and lifespan. However, if one Kira were to see another, they would be unable to see the lifespan."

"The significance of the names being the thing written in the notebook in order to kill, am I correct?"

"Yes."

"Then if one Kira could see another's name... what keeps them from killing each other?"

Light shrugged. "Nothing, I suppose. But it would be highly unlikely for one Kira to encounter another. The odds are against it."

"And yet it has happened."

"Indeed. I cannot say the proposition pleases me. It puts me at an extreme disadvantage, though less so if they have feelings for me. Even less than that if they believe me dead."

"I don't see how they would determine you to be otherwise."

"Mmmn." Rem could tell Misa. And since Misa had the eyes, if she could get at L, she could kill him. He disliked the thought of that immensely.

"In any case," L said. "I think it possible they have met your family before - therefore you _do_ know them. If not, then they are merely making a not-so-empty threat. Airing something on TV would be as acceptable an avenue as trying to reach your family personally."

"Does this Kira strike you as being of a rather unimpressive intellect?" Light asked abruptly, redirecting the conversation.

L did not miss a beat. He frowned in consideration, and delicately chewed on a thumbnail. "They do sink below my original expectations..." he said with reluctance. "I was also not expecting them to be female, at first."

"Are you disappointed?" Light found a bitter thread of jealousy was eating into him at the thought. L had been obsessively gung-ho as this all began to play out. It had been bothering him this entire time. He added archly, "And why does it matter what gender they are unless you really _do_ have a Kira fetish, as well as a decided preference for males?"

"You display _jealousy_ at the oddest times, Light-kun," L baited back, not falling prey to anger at the other boy's waspish tone or goading words. He'd adopted a knowing look which, albeit an act, dug at Light even more. The _nerve_ of him!

"I'm not jealous," Light seethed.

"And I do not have a Kira fetish," L groused.

"Seems like it to me," Light muttered. Wouldn't that be ironic? He could give up being Kira only to lose L to another Kira. "When do you require that list?" he sighed in a more audible voice. By this time he had reined in his irritation and was able to offer a glossy, conciliatory tone.

"On second thought," the dark-haired insomniac said decisively, vexation disappearing from his voice in kind, "it is unnecessary. I think you're correct in that your popularity might have bearing on the matter. I will search your entire school thoroughly and narrow it down from there." He tilted his head in consideration. "Unless you dated or hung around anyone from other schools?"

_Only Misa._ The damning words almost left Light's mouth before he could curb them. _Dammit._ His responses to L were too automatic when they were not actively fighting. He must work on that. "No, not especially. Maybe a time or two at best?"

If the second Kira weren't Misa, and he were able to help bring them to 'justice', would L have reconsidered his ultimatum? Was there a chance he could get his own notebook into someone else's hands in order to create a scapegoat? As long as Misa was not killing anyone in the name of Kira past that point, he would be safe.

_But even after loaning out __**my**__ notebook in order to avoid contact with Misa, I would still have to expose myself to her in order to stop the 'Kira' killings... _

Besides the fact that L would be expecting two Death Notes at _that_ time. The second Kira's in addition to his own which was required by the end of the 10 days.

_If Misa knew I was alive and found that L stood between us as competition... As long as she had the eyes, she would try to kill him. _

_Contact with her in any instance is risky, be it to stop using her notebook while a false Kira is apprehended or to use her notebook to the same purpose. Not that that matters. L knows there are two. So unless I plan to deceive him ultimately, it will be pointless to use Misa's notebook for the surrogate Kira._It would be easier to get a message across to her, have her take the notebook to a likely candidate, and after that fake Kira was apprehended, he would have the mobility of Misa's notebook which could be brought to him afterwards. In that way, he could be rid of Ryuuk, but only if he transferred ownership to the false Kira.

However, it left him exposed were he to forfeit his memories for any amount of time. That would mean he needed to establish himself as the owner of Misa's notebook before giving up ownership of his own. His memories regarding the Death Note could, of course, be maintained simply by touching Misa's, but he did not trust that Ryuuk wouldn't kill him in the interim. Rem would be a safety net.

"Whatever are you thinking about, Light-kun?" L asked softly, breaking into the depressing spiral of his thoughts.

Light sighed, closing his eyes briefly before allowing them to fall upon his companion. "If the second Kira harbors a romantic attachment for me, they may also be prone to fits of jealousy... I think it is imperative they do not discover I am alive, or else your life will be at risk."

"You're worried for me, Light-kun? How touching." L sounded too blasé as he spoke. The flippancy of it annoyed Light to no end.

"Yes, I am," he ground out. "Perhaps _your_ feelings have suddenly changed in the face of all of this, but mine have not. I'd appreciate it if you would at least refrain from mocking me."

"I wasn't aware of how you felt, Light...kun." L almost left off the distance-creating honorific, but seemed to decide against it. He appeared to be slightly rattled.

"You lie," Light accused. "How could you not know?"

L drew himself up. "I took a guess when given the maze of your conflicting signals, and wouldn't you know, it seemed you didn't."

"You are the only inconsistent one of late," Light shot back. "You act as if nothing has happened, and yet I do believe you expect to be rid of me at the end of the 10 days without a qualm to mar your stoic heart. You say that you love me, and yet your actions contradict that."

L paled. "I never said that to you."

"Oh? It must have been my imagination then," he said snidely. "My apologies."

"I never..." L looked shell shocked. Light stared down his nose at him with an arrogant tilt to his head, pleased to have made such a ripple in his cool demeanor with such a well-placed guess. Perhaps he _did_ retain memories of which he was not aware. How odd that L would have admitted something like love to Kira of all beings. It made him want to grind his teeth, though, as it only furthered his suspicion that L really did have a Kira complex.

"I have to... check on.... some things," L mumbled, hardly audible as he excused himself from the room.

What good was love, anyway, if it was such a fragile and breakable thing? What good was it if it couldn't bind you irrevocably to the one you cared about? He'd gotten used to the thought that the detective may actually harbor feelings of that sort for him. It had pleased him, and made him feel strong and invulnerable. So how then was it that the person who bolstered him so could rip him down again?

Useless.

Love was a useless emotion for sentimental fools.

He'd been a fool to even consider the ideal had any sort of merit.

He had no use for an emotion that would let people claim it only to threaten their chosen person with death if that person were to act against their wishes.

Why was he even thinking on this? Ludicrous! What did he care? L could feel however he wanted. It was none of his concern.

None at all.

Light chewed the inside of his lip harshly, his nerves jangling and distracting him. His mind was ill-focused. It rankled him that he was so preoccupied with this and that jealousy most certainly reared its head when he saw L's attention drift away from him.

Of late, L was withholding any of the indications that he still cared. No small touches, no intimacy, no sign at all of the person he had shared so deeply with. Only impassive eyes, a precious face, and a distinct lack of emotion. How _dare_ L change on him like this?

"With all that thinking," Ryuuk said pleasantly, "I hope you're planning something entertaining."

"That depends on what you find to be entertaining, Ryuuk," Light said loftily.

"You know what I like," the Shinigami hummed gleefully, lips peeling back from razorblade teeth in a grin. "You're smart like that. I couldn't have picked a better human."

"Oh? You make it sound as if it were not by chance that I was the one to find the Death Note." Could the Shinigami choose the owners of the notebook? He'd originally thought that the owners were chosen at random, that the notebook would appear in this world and the first human to pick it up gained ownership. But what if that were not the case, and Shinigami specifically selected the human that would receive the notebook? But why had Rem chosen Misa? And why then would Ryuuk have chosen _him_?

"I'm not saying it is, and I'm not saying it isn't," Ryuuk said ambiguously, his milky yellow eyes glowing oddly. "It's boring if I tell you all the rules."

"Ryuuk, sometimes I find you to be desperately aggravating to deal with," Light sighed. He kept the majority of his irritation out of the statement. He didn't want to anger the Shinigami unduly.

"It doesn't bother me. I'm not like Rem."

"What does Rem have to do with anything?" he asked, quirking a brow.

"Apples," Ryuuk said.

Ryuuk was far more intelligent than he made himself out to be. He was rerouting the conversation, playing on his 'simplemindedness'. What was he evading? What about Rem...?

"I neeeed theeeeem," the Shinigami complained. "I've been patient, but I might have to start haunting you until I get some."

Light made his way to the bed and fell limply upon it. He was getting as tired of hiding his conversation with the Shinigami as he was of listening to it. It was only the cameras monitoring the room, no microphones, he was certain of that. His conversations with L were incriminating enough for the detective to reconsider that mode of surveillance. L also seemed to have something to hide. Had he had a disagreement or falling out with Watari? Or perhaps the older gentleman was not merely L's lackey, as everyone was led to believe? What if, instead, he was L's keeper?

"That suits me," Light said into his pillow. "I may have a use for you very soon."

The black-feathered Shinigami was, after all, a discrete messenger.

* * *

TBC

**A/N: **Re-writes = PAIN

They really do (so I had to say it again). They are enough to make your head implode with such force that it appears to have **EXploded** to the naked eye. Brutal.

I believe this fic is in the top 10 for LONGEST LightxL yaoi on ff dot net. (yay!?)

Hope you all enjoyed this (non-cliffhanger) chapter! Till next time....


	22. This House is Not a Home

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 22: This House is Not a Home )  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

**A/N:** Thanks guys for reviewing! (Getting review alerts is so exciting!) It makes me so happy to hear what you think and know you are reading. I seriously love you.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 22:

The old man held his cellphone to his ear, his lips compressed in a thin line. "Roger."

"How nice of you to return my calls," the aged voice on the other end responded. "It is not like you to keep me waiting."

"But it appears more and more like you to keep me out of things I should be hearing about," the old man said in riposte.

"I operate as I see fit," Roger replied tersely. "While you insist on running about with your pet detective, some of us have to take charge to get things done. You signed the agreement. You gave your consent."

"I never imagined that it would turn out this way."

"Things had to change, Quillish. You know what they are capable of. The Board merely provides a means of containing them."

"They are human beings, Roger. They were never meant to be cultivated and... _used_ this way. The House was supposed to be a place of refuge and education, not a breeding ground for sublimation and greed."

"The more of them we have working for us, the better. Our funds are not indefinite. Even your contributions ran out long ago."

"I don't agree with it, and I don't like how you've changed. You're relying on hired strangers-"

"Of course I am!" Roger Ruvie said desperately. "Quillish, we **need** them. You've been away too long. You don't understand what it means to have no way to contain these children. Some of them are brilliant, but wildly unstable. We cannot allow them to grow up and then unleash them into the world to do as they please-" He broke off and started again, his voice becoming resolute. "We cannot outsmart them, so we must have a means to overpower them. The system I've set in place will keep them from acting so freely and without conscience or acting against our wishes. Without that kind of guidance, who knows what they may do? Even my own charge... "

_Guidance,_ he says. It was control he spoke of. "Mihael?"

"I do not trust that child nor his ambitions," Roger said harshly, paranoia leeching into his acidic tone. "L was surprisingly grounded for all of his abilities. Not all of them are like that."

"Roger, you speak out of fear. This isn't like y-"

"And what of your charge, Quillish?" Wammy House's manager pressed. "The Board is adamant on hearing a report. It has been weeks since he closed his last case and he is hardly working to his full potential on the few he took on since then."

"This is not a race, Roger." He was trying to be patient and understanding, but he did not like how the situation had escalated in these past several years. Roger was not the kindly man he once knew... and Wammy House was no longer his own pet project and brainchild. "He works at his own speed."

"Are you certain he is not just blowing off his duties? Perhaps he has decided he will do whatever he pleases?"

Watari sighed, taking off his glasses to rub his face. "L is committed, as always," he said primly.

"Then why are you still in Japan?" Roger demanded.

"I expect he has good reason."

"I hear rumors that his last case is on the verge of reopening."

"That seems a good enough reason to me for having stalled our departure. He must have predicted this." Watari withheld the ungentlemanly sigh that wished to escape him. He disliked answering to anyone in this manner. It was a bitter pill for one to take when they used to run things alone. "The Kira case was anything but clean. Surely the Board can take that into consideration before assuming L has dissented?"

"Hrrmph," Roger replied. "We have our eyes on you. If we ever suspect him to entertain the thought of disbanding or doing something dangerous, he will be brought back and re-educated."

_So it __**had**__ come this far?_

"Don't threaten me Roger," he said in a low voice. "I am the founder, and I refuse to be spoken to that way."

"You may be, but you gave up your authority long ago, old friend."

Roger Ruvie hung up then, leaving Watari with a dial tone and a heavy heart. The Board... scientists, psychologists and outsourced intelligence agents... In the beginning they were merely to monitor and facilitate the cultivation of the children's minds. Now they presented a threat to their autonomy. This was not supposed to be a business of fashioning a group of money-making intellectuals...

Mihael... it was only natural that that child, independent as he was, would worry Ruvie. He was impulsive and wouldn't take well to being ordered around. But he had always been so, and regardless, Ruvie used to dote on him particularly... What had changed?

It would be no wonder if some of these children rebelled at some point, wanting to choose the path of their lives for themselves. But to fear them to such extremes? Did Roger expect them to bend their minds toward crime and death, did he suspect an uprising against the changes in the running of The House?

Or... was there something else that had him so spooked?

---

L expected this situation days ago, but it did not make the reality of it any more pleasant to deal with.

"Yagami-san, if you wish to continue speaking with me, then I will have to request that you remain calm," L said into the phone Watari had handed him. The Police Chief had called directly, issuing a hostile spate of words inappropriate for a man in his position to utter, as soon as he was certain that Kira had indeed resurfaced. The supposed purpose of the call was to reinstate the task force, but they had not gotten that far yet. It had been a wearing 5 minutes.

L gave up and handed the phone back to Watari. "I'll have you speak to him."

"But, sir," Watari said, eying the cell phone like a poisonous viper. His wrinkled face drooped a little.

L frowned. "It's not as if he will continue like that if it's you."

"Yagami-san?" Watari spoke evenly into the receiver, his cultured voice having a natural placating quality to it. It was one of the best weapons in the British gentleman's arsenal. Excluding his skill with firearms, of course. "Yes, this is Watari. I will be continuing the discussion in L's stead." A brief pause. "He had other business to attend to, and could only spare the few minutes that have already passed."

Watari held the phone out away from his ear. "I'm deeply sorry, sir. I am sure there **is** plenty you wished to convey to him." Apparently the vitriol died down then, as the older man put the phone to his ear once more. L chewed on his thumb, a black mood rolling over him. He knew what was coming. Yes, he did, and it was both something to be put off and avoided at all costs. Unfortunately...

"Yes, we can arrange a meeting," Watari said.

...he knew that wasn't going to happen.

"Tomorrow evening?"

The black mood deepened, blotting out all hope of peace and light. And_Light_, as well. He wondered what the brunette would think about this. He would also have anticipated this, but would he choose to stay absent in the resurgence of the task force, or would he choose to take part and put his acting skills to the test?

"Is it necessary that we actively join up with them this time?" L asked Watari in a loud grumble. "They weren't much help before."

"No, Yagami-san, you are mistaken," Watari said assuagingly, the phone still up to his ear. He gave L a disapproving glare. "L has already left the room."

L smiled at him, feeling slightly guilty for troubling Watari, but pleased to have gotten a dig in on the irrationally irate Yagami male.

Though... perhaps 'irrational' was not accurate... The man surely believed his son was executed unjustly, and that the emergence of Kira was proof of L's foul up. He might not have realized yet that they were dealing with someone new. And would he be convinced of such a thing? Or would he cling to his conviction that L was wrong and that his son was put to death as the Kira he never was?

L stared listlessly at a stack of glazed croissants on the table next to him. His solitary respite would soon be over. The task force... _People... _He did not look forward to re-enmeshing himself into the filthy grid that was human contact. Especially when they would start off being unaccountably angry with him.

Despite their ups and downs, however, _Light's_ company had been generally pleasing. Though it would have him ill-prepared towards interacting with other people again. Dealing with the brunette did count as human contact, but it was on such a different level... it was more closely like dealing with himself than with any outsider.

"L," Watari broke into his thoughts. "I still greatly dislike this situation."

"I know."

"Have you made any progress with Light? Or should you consider giving up this rouse and allowing his father to see him?"

L bit his lip, hard. To insubstantiate all that he had done... Even if he said it was to lure out a second Kira he knew existed... It was _possible_ his extremes would be forgiven... But...

He would lose Light.

Not only to the protective force his father would present, but to Light himself. _If I were not there to challenge Light and act as a moral compass, wouldn't Light just fall too quickly back into his lust for power and godhood?_

_Not only that. Light would become an active Kira and that would be the last nail in my coffin. To admit to such outlandish measures as the faked death in order to bring Light 'back to life', and then to further that with more failure to catch Kira? Both Kiras. I would be humiliated doubly and removed from my position, due to my 'incompetence'._

Either way, he lost Light.

L tasted blood on his tongue, warning him that his flesh had been breached. The coppery tang was fair company to his thoughts and he nursed the wound morbidly.

Even if Light decided to play Emelia, he would have to forbid it. If there remained a chance at all that Light's sincerity was just another lie... The brunette would betray his position to the task force the first opportunity he got. It would undermine and ruin L and assure his freedom all at the same time. His thoughts crystallized and sharpened. He could not allow that possibility the chance to achieve fruition. Light would remain behind.

_I won't lose you. I __**won't**__._

But his ultimatum might yet lose him the battle. Light still had one way to beat him. If he stubbornly held his secrets, L would have to assume he never was sincere and that all of this had been nothing but a convincing ploy; a clever way for Kira to slip under the radar until he deemed it time to emerge triumphant.

_You know this, don't you, Light? You know what the line I have set truly means? If you were ever serious about me at all, you know you have no choice but to give me the notebook. If you refuse, it is only a matter of time before your decision produces your death._

---

**Subject**: Justice is in the eye of the beholder

I would like very much to speak with you. I cannot say more in a public forum such as this... but if you would send a means of contact through my profile, I will be in touch.

-user1285

"Eeeeh?" Misa whined, frowning at the screen. "Rem, what do you think of this one? Do you think _this_ is L?"

Rem peered at the screen. "It may be. They do not say enough for me to be sure."

"But they gave me a way to give them information without exposing myself... I think I'll send an IM name. That can't be traced, can it?"

"I don't know much about technology," Rem replied.

"Hmm," Misa sulked. "I could make an new email account for this or an IM account... but either way, I'll have to travel out of the area." She balanced a pen on her upper lip. "But I'll have to do that just to reply to this, since I don't want to use my laptop or cell." She put her head on her hand and wiggled the pen a little. "Light was always so good at stuff like this... Thinking about it just gives me a headache."

Rem stood by silently.

"You know, Rem, I don't even _know_ if or how they could track me from using my own stuff. It just seems the sort of thing Light would get obsessive and angry over if I didn't do it." She leaned her head back and stared at Rem, upside down with a thoughtful look on her face. "He was really uptight, you know? But maybe he had to be because he was so smart..."

Rem, wisely, maintained her stoic silence.

"Oh?" Misa tipped her chair back on all four legs. "Look, Rem, another message! It's as vague as the first one. But it has a different user name. Hmmmm. What if they are BOTH L?"

"What if they are both not L?"

"Errr," Misa grumbled. "You have a point. Maybe I'll have to talk to them to find out."

Misa suddenly let out a screeching sigh, flinging her hands into the air. "This is going to take so much TIME!"

"You could tell them you will only be in contact on a certain day... But if it is L - or if several of them are L - he may make a note of your limited communication."

"Like thinking it was my day off?"

"Yes, and that you might choose such a day to travel out of your home area."

"That still wouldn't give him a way to peg _me_ out of everyone."

"Not unless he already suspects you," Rem agreed. "Which he might."

Misa chewed on a fingernail. "I guess since I knew Light, he would be watching me, huh?"

"I would think so."

Misa continued to shorten the nail between her teeth, her her eyebrows drawing together as she contemplated the situation. "It looks like I'll have to make my move sooner than I thought," she said softly to herself .

---

L let himself in to the room he essentially shared with Light, laptop in hand. He didn't dare leave such a machine in Light's possession, as there was too much he could do with such a tool. He'd limited the brunette, therefore, to books.

"What's in the bag?" the subject of his thought inquired.

"Lunch."

Light sighed. "I'd gathered as much - I wanted to know what it actually was."

L set his computer case on the desk. "Is Light-kun too impatient to wait a few moments to find out?"

"If I said yes, would you be more or less inclined to lengthen my wait?"

L flexed his hand on the rolled top of the brown paper bag. "Probably more," he agreed.

"It is that sort of behavior that makes socializing so difficult for you, Ryuuzaki. If you don't want people to dislike you, you must put yourself in their place. It would irritate you if I were to make you wait for no particular reason, would it not?"

"But I want to see how you'll react."

"That is not a commendable reason," Light grumbled. "It has to make sense and be acceptable to _them_, not you."

"Why are you trying to train me? What benefit does it have for you?" He put the bag down and opened it, unloading the contents which were American-style deli sandwiches and two styrofoam containers of soup.

Light drifted over towards the food. "One, because your social skills are painfully lacking, and it annoys me." He picked up a soup container and examined it. "Two, because I feel bad for you having to deal with the task force again when so ill-equipped. What is in this one?"

"Herbed chicken lentil. The other is tomato basil, also with chicken."

"Ah." Light kept the one he had in hand and accepted the spoon L offered him. "And those?" He indicated the wax paper wrapped sandwiches. He sank into the straight-backed chair next to L's - a second one they'd had to request from management.

"Sweet Thai chicken with spring onions and sliced turkey with cranberry."

"It's hard to tell which you intended for yourself, Ryuuzaki. They both sound rather saccharine."

"Actually, the cranberry has not been sweetened much. At all, if you ask me. You should like it."

"Mmm." Light accepted L's choice but continued to work daintily at his soup.

L tried not to take much notice of the way Light's long lashes looked as they swept down to brush his cheeks with every carefully taken sip. Or the way his sensuous lips slid over the unworthy plastic spoon. He was not staring. He was waiting to hear Light say if he liked the soup or not. It was only polite.

"Is there a reason you are staring at me, Ryuuzaki?" Light asked without lifting his eyes.

"I'm not staring. I'm waiting for you to tell me if you liked the soup or not."_Keep telling yourself that. Maybe with so much repetition, you'll come to believe it, _he scoffed at himself. Parroting his mental excuses aloud for lack of anything better seemed a new low.

Light glanced up then, raising an eyebrow. "Indeed. You should know what I like by now, Ryuuzaki."

If the way Light practically purred his name was not enough, the teasing look in his eyes as he flicked his tongue against the tip of the spoon was certainly too much. L looked away quickly before the flush of heal he felt rush through him could manifest on his face. He busied himself with unwrapping his sandwich while wondering how much longer he could stand being close to Light without being intimate with him in any way. He'd thought at first that it would not be impossibly difficult, but as days passed, the brunette was prone to do things such as this... flirting... suggestive sort of behavior. Yet the moment would pass and Light would act as if it had never occurred.

L took a bite of his sandwich and cast a surreptitious glance at his companion. The brunette was innocently eating his soup, as expected, though he had a suspiciously pleasant near-smile ghosting his lips.

Was this solicitousness an act? Or was it a natural reaction borne of their recent cessation of physicality?

L groaned inwardly. Either way, it was hard to ignore, and harder still to remain unaffected.

"And how is your sandwich?" Light asked, his voice containing that lightened octave of concern that indicated amused playacting. "You're hardly eating it at all."

"I find I can get too distracted for that when things are on my mind." Before Light could act too smug, he added, "For instance, hiding our own personal investigation into the second Kira from the task force and still allotting an acceptable amount of time to it."

"That again," the brunette shrugged his shoulders as if dislodging a particularly annoying, pestering insect. "I could _help_ you if you left me the laptop." He bit down on the spoon, the plastic creaking in warning between his teeth.

"You know I can't do that."

"I know." Light released his hold momentarily, eyes flashing in irritation. "But our progress is going to be greatly stalled, and this new Kira irks me."

_Creeeak_, the plastic protested.

"Also," Light added, "it bothers me to have the task force assemble here, where I am practically under their nose. Not that they would find me, of course... it is more the principle of the thing. And with that, your time with me will be extremely limited."

"..." L was not sure which things he should address. "At least you will have some time to yourself?"

Light glared at him. "Unnecessary," he said. "Besides, I know that you will have Watari watch me in your absence."

L decided to shift tracks. One thing had been nagging at the back of his head and he required some sort of response, be it true or put on. "Light... if I were to offer you the option of debunking your death and reuniting with your father and family and potentially the task force for this current investigation... what would think?"

Light's eyes widened. "Besides you being out of your mind?"

"Yes, besides that."

Light leaned back in his chair, the soup temporarily abandoned. His elegant brows drew together and he fixed L with a puzzled look. "None of the outcomes would benefit you in any way."

"I'm aware of this."

"Are you wanting me to encourage you in this? That is the only thing I can think of - that my enthusiasm for such would cement in your mind that I desire the freedom to use the notebook above all else. Were the reverse the case, revealing myself will only be a disadvantage to me, as well as to you."

"So you will not answer?" L prodded.

"I think you are out of your head to suggest such a thing; t_hat_ is my answer."

"Ah."

"Oh, if I am more specific than that, you'll strangle yourself in the throes of circular logic," The brunette waved a tired, regally held hand. "I'd rather not bear witness to such a thing, especially when I am trying to eat," he said with dramatic airs.

"How gracious of you, Light-kun."

"I try."

---

Light and L finished lunch, the brunette going out of his way to admit that his companion had been right about the sandwich.

The dark-haired detective looked pleased and somewhat embarrassed over his compliments, so Light decided to border on excessive with them in the future. He liked that look on L. Perhaps more than he should?

Meanwhile, L's question had posed a bit of a problem. While rejoining the living, so to speak, would grant him freedom... he had no doubt that resulting events would whisk L cleanly and perhaps permanently out of his grasp. Even if he were to desire freedom to use the notebook, he would find a different way. He would have said as much, not wanting the detective to betray his existence for any reason, but he was not sure what had motivated him to suggest such a thing. He most certainly did not want L to indulge that irrational course of action.

Did L worry about him missing his family? Was it guilt that moved him?

He needn't worry about that. Any sadness he felt was such a dim, passing flicker of emotion, it was hardly worth noting. What came to his mind first and foremost when thinking of his family were the words _obligation_ and _facade_. He had a demanding role to play for them and it had been liberating to forgo the pressures of it until now. School was another obligation that surfaced in his family's expectations. It was unnecessary for his learning, and was truly centered around the meaningless interactions he must carry on in the guise of friendship. It was for making connections that were somehow supposed to benefit him later in life. Networking.

He hated it.

With every successfully smooth transaction he completed, his dissatisfaction grew. That in turn was feeding his disgust and hatred for them, their simple-mindedness, and the boredom they offered as if he should welcome it.

And _these_ were part of those that populated Kira's kingdom.

Was he un-bothered by the fact? Were they acceptable as subjects, though they were all to be looked down upon? _These_ were the people he was supposedly fighting for?

And L, the most worthy of any being he'd ever encountered... L's death would have to pave the way to his ascension?

It rankled.

It did.

So truly, what he would sacrifice L for was not a better world, because the world was inherently flawed. It was not for peace, because humans were at odds with peace. It would be done only to allow him to become a god. He would become Lord over a world of filth, and he would be alone in his domain.

_Every day the same..._

_In my empire of dirt..._

_What would sate my cravings?_

_What could motivate me after the feat is accomplished? _

_Would I come to wish to bring it all crashing down upon their heads? _

_Innocent and guilty alike?_

Oh, how glittery one's aspirations could be until the moment of attainment. How quickly they became faded and meaningless.

* * *

TBC

**A/N:** Cue drum roll...... da dun DUN.

I found that while I hated Misa in the manga, I can't quite muster up much dislike of her in the anime. Yes, voice actors can influence me that much! Her Japanese VA sounds like Reira from Nana, who I really liked, but I have yet to check on that. :)

**ETA:** Hell yeah, I was RIGHT! It **is** the same VA.


	23. Resolve

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 23: Resolve )  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

**A/N**: I hope the XXX scenes are made of good, for you guys. (I worry). Oh, and for those of you still wondering... neither Light nor L will be killed off in this fic. I swear to you.

* * *

Chapter 23:

L groaned inwardly as he was forced to address the newly reassembled task force. It had taken an inordinate amount of time merely to get through to Yagami senior that the second Kira was, in fact, a second Kira and not proof that L had screwed up and murdered his son.

It was amazing how angelified people became in their death. Had everyone forgotten the hard evidence that had proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Light **was** Kira? What was this ridiculous notion that the dead had done no wrong?

Not that they would give _him_ the same treatment.

No. He would go down as the bag-eyed freak that dragged their precious, prep-boy scholar through the mud before having him killed.

Would glossier hair have helped him out there? Appearance seemed the only thing that truly influenced these people. Light would not have gotten away with half as much if he hadn't been so attractive. Or been such a fantastic actor. Or had such a winning smile. Or those long lashes to bat at people when he didn't get his way...

"So, I hope you will be able to understand how I came by this conclusion," L finished. "The currently active Kira is a second Kira. Any questions?"

Aizawa raised his hand. "Why is it that time has done nothing to mitigate my great dislike of you?"

Aizawa. He'd never liked Aizawa.

"That might be because you were never one to take handouts lightly, Aizawa-san. I can understand that, for a prideful man such as yourself, accepting our supplements to your missing income could chafe rather insistently. But let us keep this discussion on track, shall we?"

Matsuda sniggered as the afro-headed man abashedly withdrew his hand.

Mogi spoke up, not raising his hand. "You say this is a second Kira, but who is to say it is not really just the first Kira? I understand that their patterns are different... but over the last day or so, they seem to have changed again. Couldn't Kira have been laying low while someone else took the blame, and they are intentionally acting like they did the last time to make us think it was a second Kira? Or even that there was a third?"

Again with the disregard of the fact that Light had, yes, really, been Kira. Without a doubt. "Mogi-san, there would be no purpose in Kira doing that." _Are you watching this, Light? You see how even now they think you were some kind of saint? Apparently, mass-murder is not a charge that can cling to and sully the white majesty of your robes._

Mogi frowned. "But he could fool us and lead us off the trail."

_He could fool _you_, yes._ "Mogi-san, forgive me, but if you don't understand it at this point, there is not much I could do to explain. In the instance of the first Kira, however, he was sentenced and charged after un-impugnable evidence was obtained. This, accordingly, is not the original Kira 'laying low'. It is a second person with the same power that the first and a desire to emulate them for the purpose of punishing those responsible for removing their idol. This is why we are focusing on female students of To-oh. It is not certain that this is where the second Kira may be found, but it has the highest chance of yielding success."

The task force collectively blinked at him as if the logic was shooting miles over their heads, which it shouldn't. It really shouldn't. L added, "We will check male students afterwards before moving on to the surrounding schools." This garnered a pointed growl from Light's father.

"Yagami-san," L addressed him, staring the older man in the eye. "I trust you understand the need to be thorough?"

"Yes."

"Speaking of which, I would like to know if you can recall any or all of the girlfriends or friends Light may have brought over in the past several years."

Yagami's jaw tightened. "That is a breach of privacy, regardless of whether the person is deceased or not. If someone were to be Kira, you'd be able to find them without such information."

_And a point goes to you, Light. A shame; I was curious to see who you'd allowed that close to you..._ "You're right. My apologies, Yagami-san," he said automatically, his mind already moving on. How likely, and incurably stupid, would it be for Light's most current girlfriend to be the second Kira? Misa, was it?

He didn't think that Light would confirm or deny such a thing, were he to know. He would plead the 5th and wash his hands of the entire affair. But he did not seem to care much about the blonde girl from what he had seen. For what reason would he not just hand her over in the hopes that L would reciprocate with a bolstering of trust?

Hmmm.

In any case, there was not enough substantial reason for him to tap her communications and monitor her movements. Yet. Perhaps the task force could help him there. They might gather the necessary data which he could use as he liked. He'd decide at that time whether he wanted them in on it. But that would depend on Light and how he received the news.

---

Light pounced on him the moment he returned to the room; leaving Watari at the disposal of the task force in lieu of himself.

"You were thinking things at me, weren't you, Ryuuzaki?" Light accused gleefully.

"What makes you say that?" _Damn him and the way he says my name like that._ Light could purr the syllables from deep within his throat in such a way that it shot straight to his... unmentionables. It also reinforced the cat-like traits he seemed to posses. Like the way he moved, graceful, poised, stalking L like prey as he gloated.

"Don't lie," Light teased.

"How could I have lied? I haven't said anything yet."

"Lying by evasion," Light clarified with a smile. "Come on, tell me what you were thinking. You had the most interesting expressions."

Light's words curled through him, and he struggled to suppress their effect. The brunette's smirking face danced before his eyes and he longed to lose himself in the shattering warmth of those lips. "Nothing of note," he replied.

"You want to kiss me," Light declared smugly, arms crossing over his chest.

He laughed softly as L jerked back, a flood of denial and protestations on his tongue.

"Why are you holding back?" Light taunted, his pupils dilating and swallowing some of the rich amber of his irises. "Are you afraid you can't trust yourself?" The brunette sidled up to him, standing way too close. Closer than they'd been in a long time. Their chests would touch if he breathed too deeply, but he couldn't move away. He could detect the scent of Light's skin, the warm, dizzying quality of it, and the hunger it evoked in him.

Light carefully kept from touching him as he leaned in, lips brushing against L's ear. "Ryuuzaki," he murmured, the scandalous sound of desire rolling through those syllables snaked their way into L, quickening his body faster than thought.

Before he was aware, he had Light's face between his hands and the sultry heat of that mouth was opening to receive him.

Sensation overwhelmed him, gathering tightly in his abdomen. The feel of silky strands of hair and smooth, perfect skin beneath his fingertips... it was only natural to want to feel the rest of him... It was an impulse driven by greed - by _wanting_ too long. His hands smoothed down Light's neck, over his chest, and down the flat planes of his stomach.

Light's hitched breath, as he ran hands over the bare skin of the other boy's hips, spiked through him relentlessly. The sound was feeding the ache that was growing between his thighs.

"Ryuu... zaki..." Light breathed out as L relinquished his mouth in favor of feeling the soft skin of his neck between his teeth. He pressed their bodies together as he tested the resilience of yielding flesh and surrounded himself in that perfect fragrance, gratified to hear the small noises the brunette made when he bit down and the growing solidity of the hardness against his hip.

His mind was hardly functioning as he pushed them upon the bed, but it was not really needed for the simple motions of unlatching Light's belt or unfastening his slacks. It was not necessary to note the removal of his own shirt by the hands of the flushed brunette beneath him, though it made him want to linger at the inviting, kiss-reddened lips for a small eternity.

He fought his way out of his pants, and Light out of his, and the glorious heat of their bared skin touching everywhere was nearly euphoric. Light's hands alighted on his lower back, stroking the skin as they slid lower, holding his hips captive as the brunette ground upwards. Their joined lips kept the secrets of their moans as the shuddering sensations flowed over them with every motion. Their tongues violated each other's mouths, demanding more and feeding the unbearably delicious heat of their arousal.

Light was perhaps in more control of his facilities. It took L a moment to identify the small tube the brunette held before his eyes.

"One of us... needs to use this," Light said matter-of-factly, though he was breathing hard and his eyes looked a bit glazed. "I don't care who."

L's brain sputtered on thoughts of why and how. Light would willingly take on the submissive role? He didn't care? Was he that into what they were doing or was this an overture of some kind?

Light took the decision out of his hands, by reaching down to grasp him with a slick hand. L shuddered violently as the nimble fingers caressed and coated him with the lubricant. He bit his lip against the undoing pleasure of it.

"If you don't think you can handle it..." Light trailed off, challenging his pride. His eyes held amusement, but the desire in them was still heady to look upon.

L was certain the brunette simply saw bottoming as the only way to achieve intimacy of this sort, and he might be right. L felt he was in control and the only threat he perceived was shaming himself in giving in to satiation too quickly. He took the proffered tube with only a slightly shaking hand, feeling a bit hesitant with the weight of taking such a step as this, his insecurity trying to unman him. He was half afraid the brunette would sneer or scoff at him if he did something inaccurately, but Light did nothing of the sort. If anything, he seemed patient as he walked L through the necessary preparations, though the lack of touching slowly frayed at the edges.

L kissed Light's upturned mouth and palmed his arousal, anxious excitement burning in the pit of his stomach as he mentally prepared himself to take the brunette in the same manner he himself had been taken countless times now. Light's hands ran down his sides and over his flanks, distracting him from anything that did not involve sensation, and the increasing of such.

"Just do it," Light murmured against his lips, "or I might have to rescind my offer."

"You're so impatient," he muttered back, almost grateful for the prompting. He eased forward slowly, recalling his own experience beneath the other boy, stopping when his breath caught and pushing forward when he seemed more relaxed. It was a technical process that he hardly had wits enough to uphold.

To feel Light in this way was indescribable.

By the time he was fully seated, they were both slightly out of breath and glistening with a thin sheen of sweat. Light's face betrayed in small ways his discomfort. His brows were drawn together slightly and his eyes were closed, making him look almost vulnerable. L tried to take his mind off of the incredible sensation of the brunette's body holding his so securely in favor of erasing that discomfort.

He lay a kiss on Light's flushed cheek and rueful eyes revealed themselves. "This is a bit... different than I anticipated," Light admitted reluctantly. "I can see why you were angry with me now."

L began to stroke Light's flesh to life, teasing him with trailing fingers. "It doesn't feel that way for long," he murmured, claiming the other boy's lips. Light's clever tongue elicited responses in him that drove straight into his throbbing flesh, prompting him to move deeper and deeper into the body spread before him.

Light's reaction was immediate, his spine arching as L touched that spot within him, his hands twisting in the sheets. "God, do that again."

L shuddered at the timbre of that voice, complying before he made conscious effort to do so. Again and again he moved within that body, as affected by the muscles bearing down on him with such sweet pressure as he was by the sight of the beautiful boy writhing beneath him, uttering sounds from his sinful mouth that would be L's undoing.

L stroked Light's arousal more firmly as his climax bore near, making the other bite his lip.

A sort of haze was washing over him, obscuring from his senses almost everything but the heat in his hand and the coiling, building, helpless ache that was throbbing between his legs. In. Out. He was skittering closer to the edge of his limits, his reserve shot through every time Light's hips canted up to welcome his entry.

His mind was blessedly blank of all the things that normally plagued him. There was no _Kira_ here. No_L_. Just himself and Light and what they were creating between them. This desperate union of flesh and desire. The echoing of their harsh breathing. The bitten back moans. The-

A warm rushing surge shot through L as he felt Light's body shuddering around him, and heard his name on the brunette's lips. His tensed body seized as orgasm raked through it, sucking the life from him through the apex of their union. He collapsed upon Light, his burning arms giving out at last.

The world felt fresh and new and blessedly quiet.

He would like to see if anything had truly changed, but his eyes willfully stayed shut.

_It didn't matter_, he thought, lulled by the speeding beats of their hearts. The passing of time could only be marked in their slowing, in their steadying rhythm.

L noted the soft stroking of a hand on his hair before he fell asleep.

---

"...zaki."

"...yuuzaki."

L opened his eyes slowly, trying to make sense of the small, blurry electronic device dangling in front of his face. "Your phone," it said, wiggling insistently. Then, "God, you're no use." A beep sounded in L's ear and then a familiar voice.

"Hello?" the voice said. Pause. "L, are you there?"

Out of nowhere a sharp smack hit upon L's head making him curse. He blinked again and immediately the situation crystallized. Cell phone. Watari. Awakening strike to the head - Light. Light. Sex. Naked.

"No, you don't have to come up," L said hastily as the British man started to express his concern that something was not right. "I was a bit distracted and then stubbed my toe," he lied through his teeth. He ignored the look he knew Light was giving him. He tried not to lie, usually. But this situation required more than an omission of truth.

"You don't say," he replied. "Alright, I'll look into it, thank you." He hung up the phone gratefully, unleashing a massive sigh.

"I did what I could," Light defended, "You were completely out. I even shook you."

L took in the the sight of one very nude brunette, modesty not in evidence, and had to turn his head, the blush rising to his cheeks having enough force to make his head spin. "Perhaps you should put some clothes on, Yagami-kun," he said weakly. There were no sheets to cover themselves with as they had sex and slept on top of the made bed. Mortification was slowly ebbing over L's thoughts and he tried to push it from his mind.

"I let you have your way with me, and it's back to Yagami-kun? How cold of you, Ryuuzaki." Light unabashedly sprawled upon the bed, ignoring his suggestion to cover himself.

L flushed red from ear to ear. _You're shameless!_ "I'm taking a shower."

"Can I join you?"

That walk to the bathroom, nude, was looking unbearably far. "Can I trust that you won't try and drown me in the tub?"

Light scoffed. "Like I would let you do all that only to drown you. Honestly, the way you mind works is perplexing." He smiled then. "But it never fails to keep me intrigued."

L looked at him appraisingly, trying to squash the urge to cover himself and give Light one more source of amusement. "All right, then."

"Besides," Light countered, "if I were deranged enough to attack you, I'd be down before you came to harm, wouldn't I? You've never been lax in that regard."

Ah, his containment system... His apparent containment system... if only Light knew. But he didn't even suspect, and that was why it _worked_. "On second thought," he pretended to consider. "You always like to be unpredictable, and I don't need you knocking yourself unconscious..."

"Oh, stop." Light rose to his feet and stretched, forcing L to look away again. "I promise not to drown you, now stop being shy and come on already. I don't feel like waiting while you sulk away all the hot water."

"I'm not being shy!" L protested as Light pushed him towards the bathroom.

"Mmhmm."

"And what would I have to sulk about?"

Light started the water running. "Oh, just that you totally breached the little restriction you'd placed on yourself, that's all. Get in."

L stepped into the shower, and moved aside to give the brunette room. "What are you talking about?" he growled, feeling put out.

Light stepped under the water, looking like he was enjoying the warm spray way too thoroughly. "Don't be tedious, you know what I'm talking about."

Actually, L did. He should have realized that Light would figure it out. He was rather hoping the brunette would assume he was merely angry or uninterested instead of trying in vain to keep a pact with himself - that he would refrain from anything physical with the other boy. The premise for it had been solid; he would practice abstinence while he was unsure of Light's intentions. It sounded great in theory.

But he'd so completely fucked that up, it was pathetic. And Light hadn't really done anything active to initiate it. A little teasing, a little flirting, a sexy voice in his ear and he'd practically ripped the other boy's clothes off.

"It's adorable how embarrassed you get," Light teased, his amber eyes glinting as he rinsed shampoo suds from his hair.

"Shut up," L grumbled, getting even more embarrassed if he let himself remember the things they'd done. _Wipe that clean, don't think about it, _he told himself. Besides, shouldn't Light be the one suffering from an affliction of modesty after letting him...?

A pleased smirk had affixed itself to the brunette's face and it did not appear to be dissipating.

Light made way to give him a turn under the water. "Don't be so uptight, Ryuuzaki." He placed a butterfly kiss on L's nose as he slipped past. "It makes me want to ravish you," he added slyly, rattling L with the husky timbre of his voice in his ear. He laughed as he easily evaded L's disgruntled fist.

_I can't win,_ L thought sullenly.

---

Light found that he was in an incredibly good mood.

He hadn't exactly anticipated L jumping him, nor had he ever expected to willingly let someone take the dominant role from him, but it had all turned out in a way that left him no room for complaints. It was amazing how much control and power could be had in the 'submissive' role. L was caught in his pace just as much as ever, only he was convinced the opposite was true.

Hmmm, and after all this time of wanting some sort of contact with his stubborn companion... To initiate the entire thing, all he'd had to do was press L without actively perusing him, and the the dark-haired boy had quickly lost the battle with his self-control. Delightful.

It thrilled Light to know he'd been trying so hard to hold back. It almost made up for the annoyance and frustration the detective had put him through these last many days.

Yes, his mood was elevated to the point where he could truly enjoy harassing his dark-eyed partner, and embarrassing the hell out of him just because he could. He loved the way the accusing looks he received seemed to be telling him that he should be the one experiencing discomfort over the intimacy they'd shared. _Don't you see, L? You feel that way because you never were in control. I play you like a fine tune, my friend._

Even Ryuuk's appearance as they were in the shower could not drag down his good humor. Nor could the 10 day ultimatum. He felt quite capable of dealing with all of it now.

Ryuuk, he could ignore. Truly, it was a pain, but the alternative - leaving L alone - was much less pleasant. The 10 days? He already had the workings of his tactic on that. And the thing with the second Kira, his sweet little unwanted thorn in the side. Misa...

That was not as easy a fix as he would have liked, but his mind was whirring away at the problem even now. The background hum to his active thoughts. He would have a solution soon. In the meantime, L was secreting away information pertaining to his progress tracking the new Kira, and he intended to wring some of it from him. It could be helpful, and might alter his strategy, depending on what was revealed.

The other thing posing an issue was the strange alteration in Misa's behavior. He would ask Rem about it but the stupid thing had been making itself scarce. He could tell Ryuuk to fetch her, but... the black-winged Shinigami would get a kick out of his request and a greater kick out of ignoring him.

No matter. He smiled. It would work itself out.

"Your smiles are creepy, Light," Ryuuk piped up.

Light tilted his eyes to meet the gaze of his constant shadow. "Yours are worse, I'm sure."

Ryuuk startled him by dropping almost on top of him to stare him in the face. He recoiled - the Shinigami's pure white skin was a horror to behold, especially up close. Its face looked immobile like carved wax, and yet it could stretch and shift. Yellowed eyes rolled in their sockets as the death god leered, the irises slow to train upon him. "You only say that because I have extra teeth," it said.

_...not only that_, Light thought with disgust.

"I'll have you know," it continued, so close that Light was grateful incorporeal beings could emit no smell, "Where I am from, a profusion of teeth is considered a mark of beauty."

"You don't say." Profusion? That was certainly beyond the death god's vocabulary until now. Light narrowed his eyes. He was correct, then. More proof the thing liked to act dumb when it really was not. It was not intelligent in the standard way - it was more of an animal cunning. Though... the vocabulary altering was a perplexing development. "So if you were covered in eyes as well, you would be even more popular in your realm, hm? Multiplicity being the attractive trait?"

"Not always. The one covered in eyes is not well liked. She is also very large."

Oh god, whoever designed these cursed creatures? The eyes thing had been a joke. "Well then, maybe you should go back to your realm and make good on that reputation you've got going for you." _And stop hovering over me!_ He was almost laying flat on his back to get any sort of distance from it.

The Shinigami laughed, various buckles and things upon it jingling in accompaniment. "It is not as simple as that, Light."

The rolling eyes thing was starting to make Light feel queasy. It was a new behavior, one that he would probably get used to in time, but...

"Even if I wanted to go back, I can't," it chortled to itself.

"And... why not?" he asked hesitantly. He had a feeling he was not going to like what it said.

"I have a condition to fulfill before then."

"Well, what is it?" he snapped. Patience was a virtue he was running a little short on.

"You aren't going to like it," the Shinigami cooed.

Light had had enough. He rolled out from under the oppressing presence of his stalking shadow. "Forget it." He was wasting time. Time that could be much better spent observing the task force and gleaning what he could from the goings on in that room. It might give him something to work with when he saw L later. There were only a few days left, so he had to make this snappy.

"Give me an apple and I'll tell you," the death god's voice trailed over his shoulder.

"And how am I supposed to do that?"

"Ask for one for lunch and say you're saving it for later," it huffed. "You should have thought of that. You're just being difficult."

_Cunning, yes. But logical also._ Ryuuk was betraying his true nature more and more. "Why, Ryuuk, how could you say such a thing? I have been nothing but accommodating. You, on the other hand, like to be underhanded, as well as spy upon people's private affairs." Light turned in his seat to give the thing the full effect of his affronted act. "I'll tell you what," he placated. "I'll get you an apple _and_ forgive you if you agree to bring Rem to me so I can speak with her."

Its eyes bore a glazed and deadly look. "It's a good thing your impudence amuses me, human." Its white face loomed close like a spectre. Rows of teeth glinted like razors and were hard to look away from.

Light held his ground, certain he knew the creature well enough to predict its actions. "That is why you chose me, isn't it?"

The otherworldly eyes closed as Ryuuk suddenly became wracked with laughter. "Yes, yes," it agreed, confirming Light's previous suspicion. The grin it wore stretched hideously. "I'll tell _you_ what," it said. "I'm going to go, but before I do, I'll leave you with a parting gift."

Light was poised, waiting. Did this mean it was going to retrieve Rem? Or...

"Its a secret we usually don't tell to humans, but I just want you to know."

_Odd,_ Light thought. Ryuuk wasn't one to do such a thing.

The Shinigami clicked its teeth. "If you give ownership of your Death Note to another human... or even if you lose or destroy it... You are still the original owner."

Light let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding. _That was it?_ "Well, thank you, Ryuuk, for that enlightening piece of-"

"Meaning," the death god continued, tapping the Death Note it wore on its hip. "My realm is barred to me until _**you**_, the original owner, are dead."

Light felt all the color drain from his face.

_Certain death? _

Death that could come at any time? For there was no way to change the fact that he was the first human to have touched the notebook, to have used it. No planning or trickery could undo that simple fact. In short... he was completely fucked.

"Don't be down, Light," it said gleefully. "Lucky for you, you keep me entertained. And as long as that is the case, I will probably keep you around."

_'Probably...'_ The bastard thing was screwing with his head! Light beat down the wild, desperate urge to ask the thing all of what he did that was so entertaining so he could at least _try_ to make provisions against his death. _Maybe it was a lie?_ He could hope...

...but he had a sinking feeling it was true.

"Just keep doing what you always do," the Shinigami said. "You know what I like." It began to step through the wall, but paused. "Oh, and don't let the detective see me," it added helpfully. "I wouldn't want my presence to alter your behavior."

And then it was gone.

Light slowly put his head in his hands and clenched his fingers tightly into his hair until it hurt. "_Fuuuck_," he exhaled harshly.

* * *

TBC

**A/N**: I'm getting in the habit of these notes now. What changed? I have no idea.

I have a nice several chapters lined up! (Currently, chapter 27 is beating me in the head. It is a tricky one. Pivotal and all of that.) Now I just need to beg my beta to conjure a moment to read and stuff so I can continue the weekly updates. :)

Is anyone going to JACON this year?

I was just informed that I will be going. (gasp) But I don't know yet if I will be cosplaying L like I did at AWA (Anime Weekend Atlanta). There were a LOT of people there. 11,000 paid attendees. It gave me crowd fear.


	24. Meeting

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 24: Meeting )  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

A/N: Hell is having broken internetz! It's been down most of the last three days. Sorry for the late update! R & R if you can. (I luv you guys)

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 24:

If L didn't know any better, he would say Light was sulking.

And by sulking, he did not mean moping about and looking like an affronted tabby cat, which was the more common mode the brunette's mood translated itself as. No... sulking in this particular instance looked like Light was chewing nails with a dangerously electric storm cloud over his head.

"Did something happen, Light-kun?" he asked the boy. He couldn't, and didn't expect a true answer, but felt the need to ask. He hoped that this mood had nothing to do with him, but it was hard to tell. When he'd left Light alone earlier to answer Watari's summons, the brunette had been in an obnoxiously good mood. _I also hope it has nothing to do with me making contact with the second Kira..._

"Not that I'm aware of," Light blatantly lied. There was a feral gleam in his eyes which he held averted.

_This isn't like him. He's always such a fanatic about honesty... That he would toss out such an obvious and shoddy lie like that... To take no effort, and throw no acting behind it... Something was definitely wrong._

"I thought perhaps you were concerned regarding my arranged meeting with the second Kira."

"You _what_?!" Light's head whipped towards him, appalled shock suffusing his expression.

"You look surprised. I thought you would have known." L kept his voice calm and nonchalant. Now the question was whether that seemingly honest reaction was due to concern for his safety or for Misa's impending apprehension.

Light glared at him. "How would I have known?! _You_ are my only source of information."

"The Shinigami might have relayed such to you."

When L said 'Shinigami', a dark shadow passed over Light's face. Abruptly, the brunette stopped all sort of communication, verbal and otherwise, retreating from the space as exhaustively as if he had left the room. And all he had done was turn his head.

In all ways, the younger boy's body language brooked no opening for further exchange.

L decided to leave him be for the moment. In actuality, he felt mildly disturbed. Things were on the table that he was blind to, he was certain. He could not be sure this was simply Light's reaction to the second Kira's imminent capture... for he never seemed to care that much for Misa, and the ultimatum would have dampened Kira's plans more than this. He was missing something. Something important.

"Ryuuzaki."

The voice was quiet, commanding in its lack of emphasis.

L turned. He had been on his way back out of the room, deciding to abandon it to the other boy and his mood for now, in favor of finding a secluded place to entrench himself in so that he could think. "Yes, Light?"

The brunette was sitting with his head leaning against the wall. His profile was stony and he did not look up. Downcast anger... "Do you remember what I told you about the eyes?" he said softly. "You've allowed for this?"

_Ah. Could it be concern for me after all?_ "Yes."

He was 95% sure that the second Kira was Misa. Even if she did have the power to kill by his name alone, she would not kill him outright. She wanted at 'L'. L himself had always been Ryuuzaki to her, L's subordinate. If she killed 'Ryuuzaki', she would conclude that she would never get at 'L'. It was risky for him to be the one undertaking this meeting, as _L Lawliet_was an extremely inconvenient name to have at this stage in the game, but he had confidence that he could throw off her suspicion that he was the real L. She would not kill him unless she was _absolutely_ sure.

_Though, if I am honest with myself, I am being dismissive of my personal safety to a degree that is unprecedented. Why? Sending Watari, or anyone else would serve, would it not? Only... I feel this is too important to leave in anyone else's hands. _

Light simply nodded and maintained his previous reticence.

L watched him a moment longer before excusing himself. He pulled the door closed, oddly struck by the oppressive solitude expressed by the lone, seated figure of the other boy with his bowed head and empty surroundings. The light in the room seemed dim, stale and yellow, throwing the scene into odd relief. The shadows seemed thick and clinging.

Then it was gone, blocked by the standard white door that prefaced any number of rooms in this hotel. A standing army of similarity, guarding any number of things behind their painted surfaces. L experienced an odd pulling in his chest. So many clones, the rooms were. So many doors... but none contained such a scene as was hidden behind the one he'd come through.

None could pull at his mind like the yellow monochrome resignation of it, haunting his mind as he walked away as surely as if he could still see it with his eyes. A hidden capsule of something rich and throat-constricting, buried in the partitioned, cellular structure of the maze of hotel rooms.

_It's his strange behavior that has me so..._

_...worried_, his mind supplied.

---

**Private Message**

**Subject:** Location, Shibuya. 2 P.M. Saturday. NHK Broadcasting Center.

I agree to a meeting. There, I will judge your intent. However, it is a proxy I send.

If my eyes show you to have been false, I guarantee nothing. Harm the proxy, and I assure you death.

--anonymous

L looked over the message one more time. NHK... but it was only the Studiopark that was open to visitors. Why would Misa have called it by the general name? Was the goal for him to wander around and be observed? That would do no good, even to Kira, as his name alone wouldn't indicate who he really was without a doubt, despite how incriminating it was.

For that matter... he was given no description of the person he was supposed to be meeting, be it Misa herself or not. To what purpose? Were they to wait around in the ever-changing flow of people until they both stood out through lack of motion?

With all the details being hazy like this, it must be deliberate.

Regardless, he must go through this little stage play if he wanted to get anywhere.

L put his thumb between his teeth and clenched them firmly. _Is Misa really the second Kira? Or does she merely know the second Kira well enough to ask for help in revenge?_ Light had still given no indication that he knew anything. He also declined to know details about the meeting when L brought it up yet again. He was resolute in that, and in avoiding more than the briefest of eye contact.

_Today is Saturday._

_3 A.M._

---

"Rem, I told you I don't need you with me this time," Misa fretted as they neared the NHK building. "There are other things you should-"

"It's all right, Misa. This much time will not be missed."

"Well, ok. If you say so..."

Rem groaned internally as she detected the haphazard flapping of buzzard wings in route. _Not __**him **__again._ She glared up at the incoming Ryuuk who was smiling as usual. Smiling way too much. He was up to something.

"What do you want?" Rem seethed, hanging back a little.

Ryuuk settled down on the ground with an evilly stretching grin. "My illustrious master has another request."

"I'm sure. When doesn't he?"

"First, L is not to be erased under any circumstances, or he will kill Misa."

"Oh?" the female Shinigami scoffed. "Easier said than done."

"You know how resourceful he is. Anyway, do what you want. I'm just a messenger." Ryuuk looked towards the bobbing blonde pigtails of Misa's head. "And now for part two."

Rem felt her face twist in consternation and then in surprise. "Ryuuk!"

The black winged Shinigami flapped over to the blonde girl and hovered beside her, eyes closing in delight as she gaped at him. "Ryuuk? What... Why...?"

"Misa..." he drawled in amusement. "Buy me an apple and I'll tell you something good."

---

"Ryuuzaki," Misa said, catching sight of the dark-hair and sloppy posture she vaguely recalled from past meetings.

He turned as she approached, and threw out a jaunty little wave.

"You're not L," she said boldly as she reached his side.

"And you aren't Kira," he responded lightly. "It is no surprise, is it? That we would each be sent in lieu of the people we represent...?"

"Kira would like to know why your name does not match the one you have given."

"Oh, that. L requires me to go by the name 'Ryuuzaki'. I don't have much choice in the matter. Has this become a problem in Kira's eyes? I could have given my birth name, but I would hardly remember to answer to it anymore."

Misa frowned at him, thinking. "Kira is more interested in meeting L than worrying about your name." Her voice took on a bitter tone. "It wouldn't benefit him to kill you now. If that happened, L would only go into hiding like the coward he is."

"Misa," L said slowly, trying to string a confession out of her. He put on a hurt tone. "It sounds as if you are planning to use me to get to L, and then watch as we are both put to death by Kira."

"I can't help it if that is what it sounds like to you," she responded primly. "More importantly, I don't think Kira would kill you, because you were Light's friend. I'd ask that you were spared."

L found it mildly amusing that her attempt to throw him off the scent was speaking of herself, 'Kira', in the 3rd person. "I... I greatly appreciate such a considerate gesture," he said humbly, as if greatly moved. "No one else will ever be as good of a friend to me as Light-kun..."

"It must have come as a great shock..." Misa said.

L bowed his head and nodded. Bully for him, he had attained her sympathy-

"...to know that L had kept him alive," she finished.

L stopped nodding, his head rising in a jerk. "He - what?"

"Didn't you know?" she said meanly, jutting her petite chin out. "See how well he repays loyalty? He couldn't even tell you _that_?"

L shook his head, his eyes wide in shock. "What makes you say that? He was sentenced-"

"I believe he is alive," she said stubbornly. "Kira told me." She was lying, as it was Ryuuk who'd mentioned the possibility. But on the off chance he was correct, she'd made arrangements. The time and location for this meeting couldn't have been better. She could see now, all of the benefits she hadn't identified originally. The crowd camouflaged her, allowing the option of communication for as long as possible, while keeping L's lackey out in the open to be assessed.

"He can't be." L used his natural shock to his advantage, but it was hard to act when feeling so shaken up. How in the world did she come to suspect that Light was alive?

"He is, and you are well aware of it. You do all of L's grunt work. I'm sure he would've told you about it. Maybe he even asked you to help torture him or whatever it is you are doing to him while you keep him locked up." The thought of torture made her ill, but why else would L have kept Light alive while making everyone believe he was dead?

L just shook his head. His black, shaggy hair swished about his pale face.

"I want to see him," she demanded. She had a sudden fear that he would back out, still looking crushed, and slip back into the crowd along with her only chance to see Light. That grief had to be an act! He would have known. He was just trying to avoid letting her see where they were keeping her boyfriend!

"It isn't possible! He's-"

"Ryuuzaki, if you refuse to take me to him, you can tell L that he will regret the consequences! I will expose the lie of Light's sentencing and death. Kira will announce that _they_ are the true Kira, and that an innocent young man received the blame and was put to death needlessly. L will be made a _fool_."

"Misa, do you realize what you are saying? You are admitting to working with Kira?"

"And why not? I haven't killed anyone. I was chosen. Kira hates L, and I was helping Kira because L murdered my true love! I was chosen because Kira understood the pain I have suffered at L's hand, and because I knew you."

"Is that why Kira decided we had no need of a means with which to recognize each other? Because L would never come himself, and Kira was sending you?"

Misa tossed her hair over her shoulder. "I guess."

"..."

"Listen, Ryuuzaki. Kira is always watching. Either take me to where Light is, or you will be killed on the spot."

"And if I do as you say..."

"You'll be fine. But if anything happens to me, Kira _will_kill you, and he will publicly disgrace L."

"So if L were to try and detain you..."

"You'll die."

"And if I cannot produce a living Light, my life is also forfeit?"

"Yes."

"Misa...." L said forlornly, making appeal to her female sentiments. "It seems you have made it impossible for me to remain breathing." He looked at the ground and scuffed the toe of his canvas sneaker on the concrete. "I must admit, this... saddens me."

Misa paused, taking pity on him. There was a small chance that Light really was dead. She couldn't fully trust the word of that black Shinigami, and Rem had said nothing other than she needed to check on something, before she took flight. It bothered Misa that Rem would leave her after saying she would stay by her side, but she didn't need Rem in order to do this. Not yet. Besides, Rem would make sure to follow her into L's place and guard her once they took away all her belongings for security. "If... if he is dead, then I will need proof. If you can do that, I'll tell Kira to leave you alone, but I still need to meet L."

"I suppose I have no choice..."

Misa discretely pressed the end call button on her phone as Ryuuzaki turned, then followed the tall, slouching figure with the crow's feather hair into the surrounding crowd.

---

L did not like having to bring the blonde girl in this deep. It was a dangerous move, he knew, but if she had the eyes Light spoke of...was there really any choice? She might just kill him as she'd threatened.

And perhaps this wasn't all bad. If he could encourage her to say the same careless things she'd said earlier, he could use that confession to have her arrested and confined. She couldn't kill him if she had no notebook in her possession.

L schluffed his way across the expansive marble floor of the hotel lobby, the insistent blonde at his heels. There was one thing that was bothering him, a sharp stab of doubt that touched him like ice. It was the idea that struck him the first time the second Kira's patterns had noticeably changed. If Misa were not operating alone, then this game of risk and safety would be drastically altered. It was only a possibility, of course, but it was one that could make an arrest just as deadly as she had proposed.

He had to talk to Light before proceeding.

But what could he do with the girl? He couldn't just take her to Light... but again, he couldn't _not_ take her to Light. The task force was another option for babysitting, but she might let something slip regarding the brunette, especially if he tried to leave her with them. She seemed determined not to let him out of her sight.

In the end, he brought her to the room. It was a different one than before, this one being more of a suite. He'd changed it in case something like this were to occur. L opened the door clumsily, hoping Light would remember to move into the interior room at such an entry.

"Where is he?" Misa said, pushing past him.

L gently shut the door behind him. He tried one more time, while trying to think of what might serve to convince her of the brunette's death. "Misa-san, I've told you in the gentlest possible way, but Yagami-kun really is d-"

"It's no use, Ryuuzaki," Light said, shocking L as he stepped out into the room. It was like a slow rolling film, the confident stride of those long legs, the purposeful steps, and the look on his face that was both commanding and dismissive_._Light's eyes remained on Misa as he slid into the room, "She knows. It must be her connection to Kira that made that possible."

"L-Light?" she warbled. Her hand flew to her mouth.

"Yes, it's me."

L thought the brunette bore a halo of darkness about him as he held his arms open slightly, beckoning her.

Misa sobbed and then launched herself at him, clinging like a drowning bur. "I thought it was too good to be true!"

Nothing in the brunette's face softened as he sank to the floor, holding the girl. Tenderness was absent, despite him lightly stroking her hair. L watched, unsure if he was happy about the lack of emotion, or disturbed at the blank coldness and inhumanity the other boy displayed. He felt a creeping dread as those amber eyes lifted to meet his, the deadness in them so resembled Kira's heavy gaze.

---

"I'm so glad, I'm so so glad," Misa was murmuring into his chest.

Light looked down at her fair hair, took in her tremulous voice, and felt nothing. No, it was worse than nothing. She was leeching the emotions he'd managed to create in his time with L - leeching them through his skin and burning him with the circle of her thin arms.

One glance at the dark-haired detective was enough to know he'd seen the change as well. He was staring at them, face pale and disturbed, eyes wary. It was a look that dredged up that part of Light that wanted to wring more grief from his companion. The part that reveled in twisting the other boy's emotions around him like a noose, and drawing close to prey that could no longer break free. He wanted to torment and defile him. He wanted to smother the betrayal those eyes would hold with the damning pull of lust.

Light looked away.

_You never leave me empty._

_This girl... this thing... a container of flesh and bone and nothing beams up at me and all I can do is lament the loss of the feelings __**you **__spark in me. Whether they are pure and sacrosanct... or corrupt and obscene._

"Light?" Wide eyes, too light in color blinked at him quizzically.

"Oh Misa, I never thought I would see you again." He crushed her to him, wishing he could crush her throat instead. He reformatted his brain to allow the flow of lies he used upon people of no consequence. He allowed the shift in his masks, dredging up the one he used to wear for her. The benign trappings of his good student persona fluttered about him, easing his awareness of his more caustic feelings and allowing him to shift into the role.

It was much easier to act when fully assuming the character one was to play.

When he allowed her to pull back and look upon him again, the transformation was complete. He could feel the softening of his expression as he bid it to do so. He could see the effect his now soulful gaze could conjure in the person in front of him. "I would have told you if I could," he whispered sadly. It was an art, deception. To perceive and execute every nuance that was required to bring someone completely under your thrall. It tied little strings to human limbs and made them move only to your intent.

It was a powerful feeling.

_(Empty)_

But it did nothing to create satisfaction. It only marked in bolder terms the distance of the chasm between _him_ and _them_. It only bred discontent and resentment. And those negative things, he offered back to them without remorse, doubled, tripled, punishing them for their gullibility and blindness. A vicious cycle.

"Might I offer you both a seat?" L said drolly, gesturing to the couch the new room contained.

Light was about to refuse, wanting the modicum of privacy his back could afford so he could question the girl, but Misa sniffed loudly and accepted.

Awkwardly, they all rearranged themselves. Light took a seat upon the couch, Misa practically sprawling across his lap, and L became a sentry perched upon the armrest. He peered down at them with mirrored eyes.

"Ryuuzaki," he said patiently, "it is impolite to stare."

L flicked those eyes up to his face, and bit down on his thumb. "My apologies, Light-kun. I was just trying to make sure you were not feeling overwhelmed."

Light glared at him as Misa piped up protectively, "He's with his Misa-Misa, so Light is just fine."

"That was what I meant," L said harmlessly, "He hasn't seen your pretty face in so long, he is probably feeling too overwhelmed to even express how he feels."

"Aw," Misa said, cuddling harder. "And he always was a bit closed off with sharing his feelings." Her eyes closed as she rubbed her cheek against Light's entrapped arm like a cat. Light took that opportunity to send L a particularly nasty look.

L shrugged, then stiffened suddenly. At the same moment, Light felt a petite hand on his face, turning his head.

"I love you, sooo, so much," Misa cooed at him before bestowing on him a kiss he had no legitimate reason to evade. He wanted to grit his teeth as her too-soft lips touched his. She smelled of perfume. She smelled wrong. Everything about her was wrong. Wrong!

He tilted his head as if he actually wanted the kiss, his role allowing him to make the necessary motions. She had the audacity to keep her lips parted, requesting also with the touch of her tongue that she wanted something more. He obliged and did it with finesse, but he could feel the skin of his back crawling with cold shudders. When had this level of puppeteering grown so repulsive? He'd done this plenty of times in the past without such a reaction...

"Ahem," L coughed then. Pointedly, but Light forgave him.

"Oh, sorry, Ryuuzaki," he said in a sheepish tone. "I guess my 'suppressed emotions' got the best of me."

L did not look pleased or convinced.

"I-I'm sorry, too," Misa said, blushing as if it had been the best kiss of her life. And who knew? Maybe it had.

"Perhaps you could give us a moment alone, Ryuuzaki?" Light suggested. He needed to straighten things out with her, and see what had changed. He had been surprised that Rem had sought him out earlier that day to inform him of Ryuuk's behavior. He'd not been entirely pleased that the Shinigami had taken such extreme action to fetch Rem for him, but he could work with it. If Misa could get her Death Note to him, he most certainly had a plan.

"I don't think it is appropriate to leave a beautiful young girl alone with you."

Light wanted to roll his eyes at L's tactic of excessive flattery towards Misa. It would work, though. She would be less aggressive towards someone who fawned on her. L was giving her no excuse to kill him. Light could also detect the detective's jealousy as it simmered just under the surface, and that pleased him immensely. "Just allow us a few minutes," he wheedled. "Five. Nothing would happen in that amount of time."

L gave up, nodding tersely and moving to the far end of the room.

Misa watched him go, a questioning look on her face. She turned that same look on Light. "Light, this may sound... strange... but I get the impression that Ryuuzaki is jealous."

"He's always liked you, Misa, you know he's a big fan."

She swatted the air, frowning. "No, not of _you_. Of _me_."

Light would have laughed if he weren't so jittery about how he was going to need to react in a moment. Depending on what she said, he was going to have to fabricate a completely different story. He blinked innocent eyes at her, having a faint idea at the least.

"And I was wondering," she fretted, "if L knows you're Kira... why did L keep you alive?"

Light looked away, conjuring a pained expression. "I think it best we don't talk about that."

Misa gasped. "He **is** torturing you for information, isn't he?!" she whispered loudly. "Oh, god.." Her hands flew to his face, as if by patting it down, she could assess the damage she imagined him to have suffered. "I'd worried, but I-"

"Misa-"

"-I'd never imagined-"

"Please keep your voice down-"

"That bastard! I'll make him pay-"

Light tried to quell the churning of his stomach as he silenced her with the only thing that would shut her up. She was forgetting that 'L' would be monitoring the room. She was also being mind-blowingly careless. He could feel L's eyes boring holes into the back of his head. It couldn't be helped. If Light wanted to stay alive and breathing, he had to keep Misa out of trouble.

"L-Light..." she quavered rapturously as he broke off the kiss he could bear no longer.

He pulled her back again, his hand cupped in the small curve of her neck in a mockery of intimacy, and whispered in her ear. "Misa... it is dangerous for you to talk like that. L has every room being monitored. Please try to keep that in mind, for your own safety."

A pointed throat clearing sounded behind them.

Light knew what they must have looked like to L, what with several kisses and whispered dialog. But he was surprised to see evidence of the tempest brewing in L's eyes. The insomniac's chin tilted up as he looked down on them. "I believe your time is up," L said flatly, his voice not reflecting that look of his. That look that said he wanted to rip Misa's clinging hands off her arms with his bare teeth.

"Ah, so it is," Light agreed as if the news were a disappointment.

_I have to keep her affections, L, or you'll be at risk. You can't afford to be jealous..._

"Awwwww, who cares?" Misa huffed, throwing her arms around him and using his chest like a snuggly pillow. "I should get as much time with you as I want. You're my boyfriend, after all."

"Misa, please. Act your age," he encouraged chidingly. He tried to pry her off without appearing as if that were his goal. The dark emanations he felt coming from L were intensifying. He didn't bother glancing up. He did not want to.

"Light, you're so cold. I thought you were_dead_! Why can't we stay like this?"

"It's... rude," he said lamely. He was distracted. If things continued this way... No, there had to be something... The trick was keeping both of them relatively happy. If Misa got upset, she could kill L because of her eyes. If L were upset, he'd be more likely to show an irrational fit of anger that might tip the balance against him, negating the strategic sucking up he'd been doing so far....

"I think it's rude that _he_ lied to me!" she said stubbornly, waggling a finger in his general direction. "_He_ said you were practically best friends and he can't even be happy for you, now that...I...get..." Her hand flew to her mouth as it formed an 'O' of surprise and her eyes followed suit.

She glanced back and forth between them. "...why he's kept you alive..." her words were barely audible.

Light felt like hanging his head or wringing L's neck, he wasn't sure which. _How much more obvious could you be if even Misa noticed!_

Misa stood and pulled at Light's arm. She plastered an exceedingly transparent smile on her face and said, "Liiiight, can I talk to you a minute?"

"I..." he trailed, glancing at L. Misa had already started dragging them as far away from L as she could get. L stood by and said nothing. There was nothing he could say, though there was obviously plenty he_wanted_ to say. His jaw was clenched, and his dark eyes shone like sharp pieces of flint. "Sure."

L turned his back on them, muscles looking tense beneath his white shirt.

"Light," Misa whispered gravely, turning Light's back to L so they could hide their conversation, "You-" She faltered.

"I what?" he prompted.

"Ryuuzaki... doesn't think of you as just a friend, does he? He's jealous... of me because..." she stopped to bite her lip. Light felt like smacking her to get her to spit out whatever she was thinking, but he knew that it wouldn't help. He tried to conjure a thread of patience and distracted himself by staring at her with the most disgustingly sincere and rapt doe eyes he could muster.

"What is it, Misa?" he murmured. _Speak, damn you!_ "Why are you upset?" He brushed his hand over her cheek in a faux gesture of tenderness as her eyes trembled.

"Light...you...s-seduced him in order to stay alive?"

Light's hand froze.

He could feel how wide his eyes had become at her query. Never, had he expected...

Her next words tumbled out faster as if to cover the awkwardness she'd created, as if she could soften the blow with a hasty explanation. "...because you knew you would die if he handed you over to the authorities?" She looked disturbed - a sick flush coloring her skin - but hopeful, desperate to believe her own words, yet wanting Light to deny everything all the same.

_'Misa, how could you say such a thing? I could never allow that sort of thing, even if my life were on the line.'_ That was what she wanted to hear. _'You're imagining things.'_ Her eyes were begging for him to say these words.

He stared at her, all emotion fleeing his face. It was a convenient scenario she'd offered... one that would explain Ryuuzaki's possessiveness. But had she realized Ryuuzaki was L? For even if he had seduced a supposed lackey of L's, how would that keep L from turning him in? It wouldn't. But had this crossed her mind? Confirming her suspicion would be safe, as long as she believed Ryuuzaki and L were two different people.

Even so, she might kill 'Ryuuzaki' for such trespasses against him...

"I told you I did not want to talk about it," Light confessed in a broken whisper, averting his eyes. "I had to do it. And when Ryuuzaki tried to bargain with L to keep me alive... L decided... it would be more fun for him to keep me around and humiliate me than simply kill me. He's sick and twisted... even Ryuuzaki thinks so, but there is nothing he can do." He shuddered and wrapped his arms around himself.

"My god," she whispered, utterly taken in by his act. "Are you ok? Light, are you hurt?"

He flinched back slightly from her touch, curving his back minutely as if protecting himself from the things she'd brought up.

"Is it..." she said, despite herself, "really strange to... be like that with another boy? To... seduce him, you'd have to let him do things to you..."

Light felt a great surge of annoyance at her lack of tact. If he really _were_ in the sort of position he was acting out, her thoughtlessness would have been like hot coals in his gut. Do you usually ask traumatized people how, specifically, it felt to be traumatized?? Did you usually rehash their experience to them in order to empathize?

"I-I've never done anything like this before..." he said with hushed agony. "It's... difficult to..." he broke off as if it were too tragic too continue. "Half the time I don't know what to think... but the current situation is perhaps the best I can achieve, considering." He looked back at her with tormented eyes. "Misa, I'm deeply sorry that I have had to renounce my faithfulness to you... but I thought that you might find it in your heart to forgive me, given the circumstances..." He let a sheen of tears glimmer in his eyes for good effect.

She totally bought it.

"Oh, Light," she whispered. "It's bad, isn't it?" she touched his face and he fought not to flinch.

Why was she always trying to touch his face? He hated that.

"I can't imagine how awful it must be to let him violate you and act like you want him to...even if you were friends..." _Hot coals_, he thought. She should come with a warning label that said: _'In times of dire distress, do not let this girl empathize with you.'_ "And yet you are trying to put on a brave face for me so I don't worry."

He vaguely wondered when she had gotten **so** delusional. _Brave face. HA._ "I was afraid you wouldn't want me anymore after knowing this body of mine was so tainted." There, that should cater to her conviction that her love for him was boundless and would overcome all things. Nothing like a bit of martyrdom to sway a person's emotions.

She sniffled and latched onto him in another rib-cracking embrace. "Oh, Light! Misa loves you SO much! She would never leave you!"

_I hate it when you speak in 3rd person._

Not only did it sound stupid, it had the opposite effect from what was intended. Anti-cute.

"Hey, Light..." she said shyly. "Since I have 'Kira' on my side, Ryuuzaki has to allow almost anything I ask for..." She ran her hand down his chest and rested it just below his belt. Any further and and it would have been quite indecent. _Oh, please do not start feeling me up again._ "I... could have him leave us alone for a while..." She stretched so she could place her lips against his neck. "Let me erase the touch of their hands from you."

Light shuddered internally. If she got her wish, she'd see just how uninterested he was in her. "I don't think that would be a good idea," he said in a falsely anxious voice. _God, give it up!_

She pulled back and stared into his eyes. "Please, Light," she pleaded. "Let Misa show how much she loves you. We...never even got to be together..." Her eyes drifted to Ryuuzaki. "He'll let us. He has to. If he doesn't, Kira will destroy him."

A trickle of true anxiety worked its way down his spine. He did not like that hard look in her eyes as she looked at the dark-haired boy. "Misa, please, just be patient," he reasoned calmly, firmly. "Don't you see how unstable this is?" He tilted his face down and against her hair as if it were the only way to keep from having his words or the motion of his lips recorded. "If you kill Ryuuzaki for going against your wishes, or if you even threaten him aloud, L will be certain you are the second Kira. And if Ryuuzaki dies, I don't know what will happen to me."

"It won't come to that - he'll agree." She tried to push another kiss off on him.

"Misa, he won't."

"Let's just ask him and find out."

She started to move around him, but he grabbed her arm. He shielded his words as he said, "Just you asking him, so confident that he can't say no, marks you as the second Kira."

---

L was nearly at the end of his rope. Nearly.

He couldn't hear what they were saying, but he could tell Light was spinning a fine tale. Which was fine...

_Would_ have been fine... if only it hadn't included so much _touching!_ He knew a certain amount was required in order for Light to be convincing, but this was getting ridiculous. It seemed that every time he let his eyes wander over there, they were engaged in a close embrace or passionate-looking lip lock. If it was an act on Light's part, it was too authentic. Too believable.

His hands clenched.

_He could be acting the part with me as well. I'd never even know it._

But, if Light handed over the notebook, his intentions would be cleared.

_Again??_ As he watched, his frustration peaked. _What reason did two people have to kiss that much?! And in front of someone!_ If he ever found a way of getting rid of Misa without getting himself killed, he'd take the first opportunity to knock Light's head against a wall. He wished he could do it now, but that witch's claws would likely draw blood were he to rip them apart.

Was Light considering his feelings at all during his little charade? Or was he being as callous as possible?

He turned from them, fixing his glare on the safety of the wall. Jealousy was climbing up his throat and choking him. _I'm in control. I'm calm. Light is a smug, rotten bastard. I'll kick him in the face as soon as I get a chance. Wait - no. Calm. Right. I am calm and in control._

"Oh, Light! Misa loves you SO much!" he heard the girl crow.

He bit savagely at his thumb, not wanting to know what his other half had done to provoke that exclamation. _Soon at least I should be able to move this on to other things. I'm sure I can fabricate some reason for it..._

"Ryuuzaki?"

L bit his thumb exceptionally hard as the girl's dulcet tones offended his ears. He blanked his face before turning around. "Yes, Amane-san?" He was fairly certain by now that he might, in fact, hate her.

She was dragging herself forward with a forced smile on her face, Light trying to hold her back. You'd think that would be a simple feat given their size difference, but the brunette appeared to be having trouble. "I was wondering -mmphff-"

Light had clapped a hand over her mouth. "It's nothing," he said sheepishly, "Don't - OW!"

Misa smirked in triumph as he retracted his bitten hand. "As I was saying-" She ducked out of Light's reach and did some sort of pose with her hands clasped behind her back. It was probably supposed to be cute, but L was feeling less than charitable, so the effect was lost on him. "You wouldn't mind if Light and I had some time _alone_, would you?"

"Misa-" Light growled a warning.

"Time alone?" he repeated as she batted her eyelashes at him. _**Like hell**_. "I'm afraid that won't be possible," he drawled, bringing his index finger up to his lip in an insipid fashion. He was reasonably safe for the time being as she hadn't had the notebook on her - only the cell phone, which he'd taken away. But she could always just memorize his name and kill him later. He had to appear less threatening. Less like he wanted to rip out her still-beating heart.

"Why not?" she demanded, hands going to her hips and fisting there.

What could he say that would not conflict with whatever Light had already told her? "One of the conditions of Light's not-death was that he remain under supervision at all times. He is not ever to be left alone."

"He won't be alone if I am with him," she huffed.

"That is true; however, I do not think L intended Kira's supervision to be carried out by the second Kira."

"I'm not the second Kira!" she shouted.

"I know, you are just assisting the second Kira in this. But L is not convinced." He looked over at Light. "You know what L is like, tell her." Light's reaction was curious. He flinched at the mention of 'L', and now bore the look of someone who was regularly beaten. Misa glanced quickly over at Light at the same time, concern etching her face.

"It's true," Light said in a pale voice. "L sees everyone as guilty until proven innocent."

L distractedly chewed at his thumb, watching the exchange with intense interest. Light had been busy indeed. Whatever had he fabricated this time?

"Misa... I'm very tired," the brunette continued. "We can arrange for a room for you if you are going to be staying. Perhaps later, we could have dinner?"

"I don't need a room. I want to stay with you!"

"Amane-san, it is necessary," L said doggedly. "You do realize that I am not at liberty to let you do as you please while you are here?"

"You just want to be alone with **my** Light!" Misa accused, latching on to her love's arm. "I won't let you!"

"Pardon?" L asked in surprise. He caught Light's eye and the brunette seemed both patronizing and annoyed. But there was a glint in his amber gaze that told L to hold, that he would explain later.

"You heard me!"

"Misa," Light said, gently shaking her. "Please, this is not helping." He spoke just loud enough for L to hear. His voice was still retaining the timbre of someone who was only partially holding themselves together. He had the look of a victim, a broken prince. It was intriguing, and amazing how well he portrayed such a thing. L looked forward to the brunette's explanation.

"But, Light... I just want to stay with you..."

The girl was utterly focused on the brunette once more, sadly petitioning her desire.

"I know, but the only way you can is if you calm down. No matter what you think, you can only stay if they allow it."

"But... he..."

"It's fine, Misa. I'll be ok as long as I know I can see you again. You'll behave for me, won't you?"

"O-Of course, Light," she sniffled.

"Then let's get a room set up for you and I'll see you later."

"O-Okay."

Light slipped an arm around her and she tucked against his chest like a small animal. He rolled his eyes for L's benefit.

L raised his brows at him pointedly. _This had better be good. _He followed them to the door, giving the other boy some recognition for finding a way to divest them of the blonde for at least a short while.

* * *

TBC

**A/N:** I don't like Misa. I really don't. Buuuuut, I found her to be somewhat of an.... unavoidable element. ;p


	25. Black & White

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 25: Black & White)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

**A/N:** I want to send out a heartfelt thank you to my regular reviewers. I appreciate you so much!

Oh, and to 'Passing Reader': Happy (belated) b-day, good luck with the move, and thank you for your support! :D

**A/N 2:****Warning**for darker themes and potential violence in the upcoming chapters. (Not to spoil you guys or anything! I just felt I needed to put that out there. ciao!)

EXTRA NOTE: Some words are being squooshed into other words. It is due to the document editor on this site, I believe. I tried to fix them but the changes revert back when I save (in fact, it isn't saving any edits, so I had to re-upload for this note!). D: (shakes fist)

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 25:

The pale, green-tinted light of the banker's lamp was the only illumination in the darkened, modernistic room.

_Light Yagami..._

He brushed fingertips over the photograph Misa had reluctantly allowed him to keep.

Even in a staged school picture, the boy possessed something unique and compelling. When he saw it, reason did not matter. He had to have it. She'd looked at him strangely at first when he'd asked for it, but she'd easily been swayed by his outpouring of devotion for Kira.

_So... this was the face of God?_

Such perfection? But didn't that only make sense? He felt humble before such an icon, unworthy of the object within his hand that bore _his_ holy visage. He lifted the thick matte paper closer, entranced by the secrets he could see within the uncommon golden color of his idol's warm eyes. He could see the weight of knowledge disguised by the youth _he_ yet possessed.

Teru touched his lips to the image devoutly, eyes closing as he drew breath against the sinful feeling that coursed through him at his daring.

_He lives, he breathes, he walks this earth._ God was not dead.

God had sent him a messenger, a means with which to find him. God had gifted him with truth. And even she had not known right away. The little fool who claimed _he_ loved her. She was not privy to any prior knowledge; they'd been made aware of his life at the same moment. She was not more important than him...

_If he truly loved you, he would not have found his way to me_, he thought spitefully.

The thought of his God spoiling himself on her...

His fist clenched. _She wasn't worthy!_ She wasn't meant to receive _his_ graces or feel _his_ mortal skin! Teru's hand shot out and struck the desk organizer to the floor with an ungainly clatter.

And she was there now. In _his_ presence. He'd watched, as agreed, from a nearby building as she met with L's subordinate. She was careless. So careless. She'd seemed surprised when he called and said he was ill at ease over the inconsistency of the names. He'd listened in on their conversation...

_That boy is dangerous_, he'd seethed. Too intelligent. Too cunning. _Why would you leave him alive? Why would you tell __**me**__ to?_

And he could not disobey her, or the thing that haunted her would snuff him out.

Misa had given him ownership. He'd even traded for the eyes, and still he could not move without her consent.

She was a fool. To give him all the power, to lose her own enhanced sight...and yet, it would get her in to see God. She had eliminated things that might be a burden to _him_. _By enlisting__**my**__help._

His jealousy spoke itself trough a tremor in his writing hand.

It would be so easy...

Just to write her name and take her place before _him_...

But the Shinigami would know. It had made things very clear, and he would be committing suicide to do such a thing. _Death through these pages will lead to my own. Death through other means, however..._

He bit his lips nervously. _Would God condemn me for erasing her? Would he judge me the same as all who eventually fall dead at his feet?_

He picked up the photograph, quailing at the brilliance of the boy's smile. He touched again the sensual lips and the elegant arching of _his_ brows and felt his very soul shudder.

_Yagami Light..._

He would make certain Misa made contact before acting. They'd agreed upon a time beforehand in case they tried to incarcerate her. Perhaps she would be able to relate something useful, or tell him anything about the shining brunette that might sate the fire burning in his blood.

---

Misa had thrown a small fit when she learned that Light could not actually leave his room to see to her accommodations, but when he did nothing more than give her a helpless shrug, she eventually went with Ryuuzaki without further fuss.

Light closed the door on them and heard the lock slide home as L engaged it.

Their departure left him equally relieved and restless. The crap he'd had to say at the end just to get the blonde to cooperate had left a bad taste in his mouth. Like sludge to accompany the taste of unwanted kisses. He could also still feel her clinging on him and his skin recoiled at the remembrance.

He walked back into the dark bedroom and into the mid-sized hotel bathroom. He turned on the light and went to the sink. The bland white tile was cool even through the layer of his socks. It reflected well the temperature of his feelings towards his 'girlfriend'. This had been one of the hardest acts he'd had to put himself through. He grabbed his toothbrush, running it under the faucet and applying a liberal amount of toothpaste to the bristles.

He lifted his eyes to those of his reflection. They were narrowed. Cold. Empty. And filled with the darkness of his mood.

Blank now.

Was it reflexive?

He began brushing his teeth, surveying the change he could affect just with his eyes. Benign? Happy? Yes, he could go through all of that as quick as thought. But there was more that was required to fake the finer things. How did you fake passion? You couldn't, unless you were aware of that feeling, were familiar with it in the first place. Even so, he'd refused the simpler method in his interaction with Misa. He did not want to sully L by using his image to fake it.

That had probably led to a less than convincing performance, but it seemed to be enough for his 'girlfriend' to be satisfied.

He spat mint foam into the sink and ran the water again.

_Not enough._

He eyed the shower. There was probably time. His skin was practically twitching with the imagined feel of contamination. It had been a close call, he thought as he stripped off his shirt. Misa had actually defied him by going to L. He was grateful the black-haired man had been so quick on his feet in response. It had enabled him to avoid being alone with her, which he rather dreaded. It had been a problem even before his incarceration. She sought increasing intimacy from him, and he'd been running out of excuses.

He had no interest in her provocative clothes or bared skin. Not a flicker of desire for her pouting lips or her chest pressed against his.

It felt forced. Unclean.

He scowled as he scrubbed his skin with the soapy washcloth. The thought of sharing a bed with her made him feel ill. In the absence of passion, such a thing was only done for breeding. That held even less appeal than the act itself.

Why was it different with L?

Was it because he was male? _Do I have that sort of preference?_ He didn't think so; he could think of no other men he found appealing. It was only L. Only L out of everyone.

"Stupid," he muttered, rinsing himself off.

He grabbed the bottle of shampoo and squeezed a wasteful amount into his hand. Working the lather into his soaked hair, he finally started to feel clean. _How much longer?_ he wondered. He needed a better plan in regards to Misa. He had to make her useful. Now that she knew he was alive, he had no impediment to his original thought of securing her notebook and offering _that_one to L. He could, in that way, avoid exposing Ryuuk's existence while answering the ultimatum. There wasn't much time left. As for the second notebook - L could not demand that in any set amount of time as it belonged to the second Kira. Whether that Kira was active or not would be irrelevant for a little while. Perhaps he could get his own notebook out to another 'Kira' to maintain the second Kira's presence. So long as it wasn't Misa. She wasn't very good at it, and her foul-ups carried too large a price.

He finished his shower quickly, thinking unpleasant thoughts about the dinner date he'd made. It seemed the natural thing to offer as Misa's self-appointed 'boyfriend', and it had gotten her out of his hair, but the prospect was less than thrilling.

He was towel-drying his hair when he thought he heard the suite's main door open. He stopped and listened. It was quiet. "Ryuuzaki?" he called, wrapping the towel around his waist. He nudged through the partially open bathroom door and into the dark bedroom. He'd left the bedroom door half open as well. What he could see of the sitting area was vacant as well. "Are you-"

Light felt the air leave his lungs as he was pushed roughly against the wall. A hot mouth consumed his, stealing whatever breath he had left. His body responded immediately to the one pressing against him so aggressively, quickening as it recognized his assailant. His eyes closed as fingers wound tightly into his wet hair and tilted his head back. Desire flared sharply within his abdomen as a bold tongue forced his lips wider, plunging deeply into his captured mouth.

"Why is your hair wet?" L asked him, pulling back slightly, but not releasing him.

"I took a shower."

"Why?" L's thigh pressed between Light's provocatively.

"Do I need your permission for such things?" he ground out.

"Yes," L growled, leaning in and biting his bared neck.

He almost told L to stop - to not mark the skin, but it really wouldn't damage his story. It would just make dinner with Misa that much more awkward. "Ryuu...zaki," he groaned as the other boy sucked at his skin and a hand trailed over his chest. Still, this wasn't typical behavior for the dark-haired insomniac. He needed to make an effort to determine the cause before this went much... further...

Was it that he'd been caught by surprise that made this feel so unbearably delicious?

Or was it L's jealousy that tasted so sweet?

"L," he said, opting for the name with fewer syllables. "Explain." Much less eloquent than,_'Ryuuzaki, whatever has gotten into you? Could it be that you are jealous?'_But he refused to gasp anything out, which was more likely had he decided to be verbose.

"I suppose you didn't do anything in the shower after all, if this is any evidence," L said, cupping him through the towel.

Light actually felt his face flush. L was never this forward. It was kind of hot, but he'd die before admitting as much. "Of course I didn't, you crazy bastard," he gasped out. _Dammit._ So much for that little rule. "What's gotten into you? Jealous?" He sneered the last. Tried to. It sounded merely breathless and mildly biting to his own ears.

"Yes," L said. "I'm torn between kissing you and smacking your head into this wall."

"I'd prefer the first option," Light said helpfully.

"I'm sure you would."

"Or either, really, as even being pinned against a wall tends to become a bit boring after a whi-Nnnnn-" Light moaned, his little speech being rudely interrupted by a firm squeeze of L's hand between his legs. He clenched his teeth and his eyes closed, at the mercy of those pleasurable fingers. "You... bastard," Light wheezed.

"Misa demanded dinner in less than an hour. Aren't you happy?"

"No," Light said. "Why the hell don't you sound out of breath?"

"Self-control."

"Bull-ahhh shit." _Goddammit. Again?_

He snaked his hands under L's clothes. His tormentor tried to evade him, but he was persistent. L's muscles twitched beneath his fingers, and he shuddered when Light ran hands up his back. The hold on Light's hair weakened and he smirked. "Self-control, my ass," he said, dragging L's mouth to his.

L's body drew taunt as a bowstring the moment Light took his arousal in hand. The dark-haired boy leaned heavily against him as Light stroked him with clever fingers, his breath puffing in hastening caresses against the brunette's neck. Light closed his eyes, enjoying the sensual feel of it and the other's heart beating rapidly against his chest. "You want to know what I told her?" he asked.

"Later," L breathed out in a husky voice.

"Or you could tell me your best guess?" he teased silkily. "Whatever you want, as long as you keep talking in that sexy voice. I'm sure I could cum just from that."

"Shut up, Light," L groaned into his neck sounding mortified. "How do you even say things like that?" He seemed to sense Light opening his mouth to reply, because his grip on Light's flesh tightened, eliciting a gasp instead.

"Mmm... Ryuuzaki," Light moaned loudly, cackling internally at the wave of embarrassment he could feel flooding through his partner at such a simple thing.

"I'm going to kill you," came the weak reply.

L was close; his voice often hitched like that or lost strength at such times. It was arousing to hear, as were his short, panting breaths. Light let the sensations roll through him, winding around his core. His own legs were beginning to shake under the weight of L's body pressing against him and the hand that brought such sharp stabs of pleasure, which radiated throughout his stomach in warm, dizzying patterns.

L cried out, his fingers clenching convulsively and his body beginning to shudder against his. _Too erotic_, he thought hazily. The building ache in his groin spiked sharply, forcing a gasp from the depths of his chest as his head fell back against the wall. His legs buckled at last and he slid to the floor, partially dragged down by the weight of his dark-haired partner.

"It's funny," Light said, his head lolling lazily to the side.

"What is?" L mumbled, seemingly too tired to move.

Light didn't mind. He twirled circles in the other boy's dark hair, strangely content to annoy the detective in this way and evade his half-hearted swats. "Misa was afraid you'd throw me down and ravish me."

"And whose fault is that? You probably told her something strange." L blew at a chunk of bangs that had fallen into his eyes. "Besides, that was hardly a ravishment."

Light chuckled. "She thought it up herself, really. After all the dirty glares you were throwing around, she decided that I was sleeping with you."

L jumped up in surprise. "What?"

Light propped himself up on his elbows. "It gets better. She thinks I seduced you so that you wouldn't throw me in the incinerator. Not only that, L is a great evil bastard who is keeping me alive to be his bitch and laugh at me."

"..."

"What, you don't find that funny?" Light laughed. "At least it keeps her thinking L is a separate person so she doesn't kill you in a jealous rage."

"That could only happen if she were the second Kira." L's wary, analytical voice was back.

"Not so. Whether she is the second Kira or not is of no consequence. She can get you killed either way. Be it directly or through another person, which is what she is claiming."

"Hmmn." L sounded displeased. "To answer your question.... no. I actually _didn't_ find it funny because it could too easily be the truth - the first part anyway."

"Which makes it all the more believable," he countered brusquely. "Oh, lighten up. Even if I had seduced you like that, there wouldn't be much in it for me unless I actually liked you. And if I didn't like you, I most certainly would not be sitting here in need of another shower while my hair still hasn't dried from the one I just took."

"I'm not sure I like your way of rationalizing things," L said reluctantly.

Light sighed and got to his feet. He offered a hand to L. "Can't please everyone," he remarked drolly. "Come on, bright eyes," he said as he pulled L to his feet. "Time for a shower and then the fun of dressing for a dinner that is sure to be loads of excitement for everyone."

"You don't want to go?" Ryuuzaki sounded puzzled as he followed Light into the bathroom. "If I'm not mistaken, you're the one who suggested it."

"Ryuuzaki," Light sighed. "Trust me when I say that you do not understand people. At all." He turned on the shower and let it run a moment before getting in.

"...okay," L said after a long pause, "but I still-"

"It would take too long to explain." Light decided not to bother with his hair again, and reached for the soap. "But, here are the essential bits: I do not like Misa, I do not want to have dinner with her, and I do not enjoy her draping herself on me."

"You're right," L said with an edge, "I guess I _don't_ understand, because with the way you were kissing her-"

Light frowned. For being extremely intelligent, L could be rather daft. "Ryuuzaki," he said harshly, leaning close to L's face and staring into his endless black eyes, "I. felt. nothing."

L blinked rapidly. "I-I see."

"Good. I'm glad to hear it." He went back to focusing on his shower and rinsing the suds off.

"It's nice to know you are so good at faking it," L muttered archly.

"Oh, for Christ's sake!" Light spat, turning around. "_That_'s what you're worried about?"

L glared at him like a sullen child. "Not without reason, I think."

Light started to laugh. "This is rich. Richly ironic. The more honest I am with you, the more you doubt me. It's a doomed cycle, isn't it?"

"Stop making fun. I'm being serious."

"I **AM** BEING SERIOUS," Light snapped. "Do you have any idea what it's like to do the kinds of things we do with someone you don't like? _Do you?_ My skin crawls at the thought of it! You wanted to know why I took a shower before?" He stepped towards L, forcing him back. "I'll tell you! To get the feel of her off of me because I couldn't _stand_ it!"

L inched away from his outburst.

Light dogged him. "And why would I go through that? Huh? Why the fuck would I do that?"

L shook his head mutely, looking like he wanted to be just about anywhere else right now.

"I did it because I'm trying to keep your paranoid ass _alive_! And you have the **nerve** to fault me for being convincing!?"

L wisely kept his mouth clamped shut. Light wasn't sure if he could take even one more poorly chosen comment or accusation right now. He felt like he was about to boil over. "And another thing. Maybe you're a little new to all of this, but people don't generally make a habit of fucking people they don't like. I can assure you, if faking was all we had, it would be wildly different."

Light whipped back the shower curtain and stormed out of the bathroom, unleashing another string of curses.

_Idiot, IDIOT._ There were dozens more things he wanted to throw in L's face, but as it was he felt he'd said too much. He'd almost told L how much it incensed him to be accused of faking it, especially right after the act - which had been partly to blame for his temper exploding. But that was giving away too much. It left him too open and vulnerable to admit that such a thing actually hurt.

_I'm sick of you. Sick to death._

Why did these things always happen right when it seemed everything was going well? Was it too much to ask that L learn enough tact to work on his timing? Did it really require massive social skills to understand that constant accusations about the legitimacy of someone's feelings was bound to break them down? To cause resentment? Could L not understand how debased of him it was to think that Light was fighting revulsion every time they were together? Because that was what it would be like had he been faking the sex and the caring.

_It pisses me off that you made me care about you._

How much easier it would have been to be Kira for as long as possible, until he burnt out in a blaze of light. How much more noble than being chained to the back of a person who constantly questioned his every move, making him wallow in the blackest, stickiest emotions of them all.

_For every moment of peace and contentment you offer me, I pay it back a thousandfold in hell. _

He wanted something upon which to spend his ire. His fingers twitched to smash something. But what they really longed for were the plain, ruled pages that were the vehicle of his divine judgment. Those thin, blue lines... just waiting to bear the names of the guilty... waiting to guide the graceful flourishes of his pen strokes.

Being Kira gave him peace.

It gave him purpose.

He touched the side of his face as his head began to pound. _Oh, not this again._ The last thing he needed was a headache. He wrested some clothing from the closet, not really caring what it was, and dressed. He assumed this abominable dinner was to happen in this suite; He was moved around infrequently and when it did happen, extraordinary care was taken to alter his appearance so he could remain 'dead'.

His stomach churned at the thought of food, and the thought of enduring Misa again so soon. He tried not to think of L, because that made it worse. His roiling emotions were making him feel spiteful. He almost wished he could bear Misa's affections if only to deal L some of the torment he deserved. _Stew in jealousy over someone you're convinced doesn't even care for you. _

_God, can't you see how fucked up that is, L?_

His eyes drifted over the dresser, and curiously, a cell phone lay at its base. It was half-buried under a pair of L's jeans. _He never leaves such things out where I can access them..._He picked it up and recognized it as Misa's. It had a weird little doll hanging from the phone strap. He glanced at the bathroom door, which remained closed. The shower was still running as well. Still...he had a pang of remorse hit him. Was L actually bathing, or was he standing frozen in the same manner Light had left him?

He pushed that thought aside and flicked open the phone. There were a few calls, sent and received, with a number Light didn't recognize. It was odd that Misa had not assigned a name to it. She was usually a fanatic about that.

He noticed the really long one was made around the time she should have been meeting with L.

Was it an accidental call? The speed at which his heart was beginning to beat made him doubt that.

The shower was still running.

He pressed the send button.

He wet his lips as he listened to the call ring through.

It clicked as someone picked up.

"God?" a male voice asked breathlessly.

Light's hair stood on end. "Who is this?" he hissed. Someone knew Kira was alive? And how could they know it was not Misa, unless they knew her whereabouts and the confiscation of her phone? Besides that, he could have been L calling! He could have been anyone!

"I've been waiting for you... I am your humble servant."

"Do you know who I am?" he intoned. This man was not going to give away his own name so easily. It was smart of him.

"Yagami Light," the man answered reverently. "God."

It gave Light chills to hear such things, but it was not altogether bad. With what bordered on sick fascination, he prodded them once more. "I ask again, who are you?"

The velvety voice spoke, "I am anything you need me to be. Anyone. But I have no name to give that would be worthy of your lips."

Light hesitated as the words slithered through him, not sure he wasn't being hit on. _And how to feel about that...?_ On the one hand, it was sort of freakish, on the other, it was... it was kind of sexy. He hoped the last was a byproduct of his discordance with L. He was out of his mind otherwise. But the adoration... was this not the very thing he craved as Kira?

Adoration, yes, but there was something darker within this man. He was no blind follower. Light sensed that he could be a powerful ally, but deeper senses warned him to maintain a distance.

"I want to meet you, God," the nameless voice said. "Very much." He could almost hear the licking of lips in the pause.

"That won't be possible."

"Not for a while, perhaps. But you'll find a way."

"Just how much do you know?" he asked coldly.

"Only that which was given to me to know."

"..." Light wasn't sure that Misa's phone wasn't tapped. If it were, he would catch hell later. If it were, it was excellent that his 'servant' had forgone his name. He wanted to ask the man things, such as if a Death Note was in his possession, but he couldn't risk leaking that information. Oh, but it would all fit, wouldn't it? If this man had Rem's notebook... but when did the switch occur? Certainly at the beginning or the second Kira's deviating patterns...

"You are not alone," the voice said mysteriously, the moment the running water shut off. "I will be in touch."

The screen went dark as the connection severed. Light wiped the phone of his prints and put it back where he found it. He cursed himself for his curiosity. He would be found out as soon as L looked at the phone log and saw what time this last call was placed. Unless, he'd already done his checking and neglected to do a follow up.

Had Misa involved someone out of fear of getting caught?

But where had she found this person? How did she know she could trust him?

Light frowned and rubbed the bridge of his nose, his whole body feeling tense and jittery. The answer to the second was: she didn't. Misa was never thorough enough. It was a strong play in her favor to have recruited someone of intelligence, it _had_ thrown L off track... But...he was an unknown factor. How did she plan to control him? Even on borrowed power, this man could cause a lot of trouble.

---

Dinner was every bit as painful as Light had anticipated and more.

A pall was cast upon their tiny gathering; they were but three solitary beings guarding their dismal places at the table.

L was silent - poking at some sweet or another he'd ordered from room service, but didn't seem to want. As for himself, Light was staring down at his plate, a cloud of nebulous thought crowding out all of the things which _should_ be concerning him, in favor of things he should leave be. Misa wore a strained smile and tried half-heartedly to gain his attention while she doggedly worked to fill the uncomfortable silence.

He noticed L's mouth twisted down in the makings of a frown. His face was otherwise blank and calm. Too calm.

Light tried to bring an end to the surreptitious glances he kept sliding L's way, but that was proving impossible. _Why can't I gauge..._

He turned to Misa in frustration, rallying himself to deliver more than the monosyllabic responses he'd resorted to since the beginning of this affair. He engaged in something he _supposed_ could qualify as a conversation, but it wasn't enough to occupy or ground his mind and he felt it begin to wander almost immediately.

He regarded the girl as her mouth continued to form words that were of no interest to him. Misa was, unfathomably, wearing a different outfit. Something that was almost entirely black lace. He'd inquired earlier as to where she'd come by such attire and she said perkily that Ryuuzaki had agreed to escort her to one of the clothing stores on the first floor. She'd batted her eyelashes at him, as she was still doing now, and asked if she looked sexy.

He'd made the appropriate response, but just did not feel up to putting the proper effort behind it. She had wilted visibly, but he could not do much more than he already was. He was horribly distracted by the tense air between himself and L. For once in all their time spent together, he could not determine if the dark-haired insomniac was really upset or just angered beyond words. L was also studiously avoiding eye contact, making things that much more grating for the brunette.

He felt... guilty. He did. But he also stood by everything he'd said.

So where did that leave them?

Having one of the most awkward dinners he had ever suffered through. This must be what dysfunctional families felt like at meal times.

And then there was that phone call. Between that, the headache, and both of his companions, Light very much wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. Fuck manliness. This was a denouement of such ill-fated circumstance, he wanted no part of any of it. It could not get any worse. U_nless my self-proclaimed 'servant' really is in possession of a Death Note..._

"I thought about what you said, Misa," L said succinctly, breaking his silence for the first time. He rose from his chair. "I can afford you some privacy without leaving you alone. I'll just be in the other room. Remember, though, that the room is always monitored by an outside source."

_...Or L said something like that._

Light looked at the hardly touched dessert and back at L's blank face in shock. _You're abandoning me?_L skillfully looked everywhere but at him. _Hey, look at me! Don't just turn around... you... oh, you bastard._

"Isn't that great, Light?" Misa said encouragingly as he watched L shuffle into the other room.

_That depends. Is L trying for a display of trust or a low-balled way of getting even?_

He smiled, and it felt a bit cracked. "It's perfect," he said.

"Light..." she blinked at him in concern. "Are you ok? You've been acting strange. And you've hardly eaten."

"I'm fine." He was glad the mark that L had left upon his neck was hidden beneath the collar of his black dress shirt. He needed no extra sources of irritation, like an impromptu foray into the realm of his lie to Misa. Her concern over his physical and 'sexual' imprisonment was due to tip over into jealousy and anger at any time, especially if she saw evidence of it. Right now it was just a concept, and not really _real_ to her. Between the stiffness of this entire dinner and his lack of appetite, a love bite would essentially be a stick of dynamite to explode the situation out of his control. It would be the last straw to make Misa want to kill 'Ryuuzaki' off for 'traumatizing him' and making him submit himself to heinous acts. "I just have this pounding headache..."

"Do you need to lie down?"

"If I do, I'm never getting back up." _I also would never choose to be horizontal with you around._ "Listen, Misa. You know your friend Rem?"

She blinked at him. "...yeah?"

Light had debated this back and forth ever since L decided to vacate the area. It would look more suspicious to bring this up as soon as he left... but it could not be helped. "I was wondering how she is. Is she seeing anyone new?" He needed more information, and this might be his only chance. If L questioned him later, so be it. Even if the detective tried to track down a 'Rem' through any of the schools and found no one, it was not unlikely it was just a nickname in the first place.

"Well..." Misa hesitated, seeming to hesitate under the pressure of conveying something useful while remaining as vague as possible. _Really,_ Light scoffed, _it isn't_that_difficult._ "There might be this guy... I don't know him that well, but he seems reliable."

"Oh? That's nice," Light decided to proceed with a vaguely bored air. This was supposed to be small talk, after all. He occupied himself with consuming more of his meal. He cut the meat up into tiny strips. "How did she meet him?"

"Online."

"Interesting." Bite. Chew. Swallow. "I didn't think that happened much anymore."

Eating was tedious. But appearances were important. He had no doubt L was watching their every move. He was always watching.

Knowing that assuaged Light's disquiet somewhat, in regards to the detective and their discord, but the trepidation he felt over this new player - his servant - was growing.

"Yeah," Misa continued blithely, "and it was a total coincidence. But I think it might just work out. She says he's got really great eyes, unlike me."

Light froze mid-chew. The food tasted like ash in his mouth.

She... couldn't be... _that_ stupid...

She'd given up her Death Note? Given it up entirely?? For that was the only way she would have lost the eyes, and the only way someone else would be able to make the deal...

Certainly, it was good that she did not have the power to kill L, or see his real name, but that hardly mattered when now they were faced with an unknown factor such as _**this**_! If Misa had stayed as the second Kira, then everything until now had been controlled. Had the new owner been there when L met Misa earlier? Did he know L's name? He meant it when he'd said he would kill Misa if L died, so Rem would have to adhere to that fact. It would be in her best interest to prevent the new Kira from killing L as well.

But still, there were so many ways it could go wrong.

Was the new Kira sympathetic to Misa, or was he just playing along to retain the power she'd offered? Would he kill someone by her request alone?

"Light?"

He wanted to slap her across her face, to shock the insipid devotion out of her eyes and wake her up to the situation she had placed them all in. He was furious. It was also a monkeywrench in his plan to gain ownership over Rem's notebook so that he could pawn it off as the one he'd been using. That way he could delay L ever finding out about Ryuuk and possibly escape termination through the dark Shinigami's impatient hand. "I'm sorry, I was just surprised to hear that," Light said, smiling saccharinely. He held a hand up to her cheek and brushed the skin beneath her eye in a light caress. "You know that I think your eyes are the most beautiful I've seen."

He hoped L choked on his jealousy.

Misa's eyes dimmed a little, showing disquiet. Despite her desperate will to believe he loved her, even she had her doubts. She was seeing the double meaning more clearly this time, perhaps because he'd led her into this conversation, he'd shown her how such things worked. Because of this, she was _expecting_ him to say things contrary to his true meaning. She had seen beneath the lifted little edge of his facade, and it had stymied her confidence.

_Oh, if only I could drive the stake in your heart even deeper,_ he thought as he turned the brilliance of his smile up a few notches, watching it have an adverse effect for the first time. _If only I was at liberty to tell you how I truly feel about you and your__**love**__._

_And what is it that you love about me? My face? My body? All the exterior components that are nothing of what I am? _

A streak of cruelty surfaced in him, and he found himself laying a kiss on her lips, loving that he could pain her with the very thing she'd always been demanding of him. _You fool. How can you claim to love someone you don't even know? You are infatuated with a shining shadow of me, and you never thought to look further._

He pulled back after a moment.

Enough was enough. He really should re-spin the mirage of his fake self for her - it would be much less troublesome than letting her bask wretchedly in the truth. And she would latch onto his lies, he knew, because he could be very convincing and people never cared much for truth anyway.

Lies were so much more beautiful and warm. _And lies are all you ever wished of me, are they not?_

---

Misa looked up into cold, citrine colored eyes and was overwhelmingly relieved when the warmth they usually held filtered back into them.

_It was a mistake..._ Light had only been surprised. She was imagining the rest.

Still, it left her feeling a little out of sorts. She gazed into his beatific smile and couldn't shake the idea that she had displeased him. "Do you think about Rem so much? Am I not important to you? You know I'd do anything for you, Light..." _Just tell me what to do. Please._

His hand was warm on her shoulder. "Don't you worry about that. It was just a passing thought I'd had, that is all. She was such pleasant company when we'd met previously. I was thinking how nice it might be if we could all get together again, but that would not be possible anyway, things being what they are."

So... he was unhappy that she had given the notebook to Mikami? At least, that was what she thought he was trying to say. Had he wanted to speak to Rem about something? Or... had he wanted Rem's notebook?

"I could... bring her by?"

"I'm sure she will be too occupied with her new relationship. Besides, no one is supposed to know I'm alive."

She admired Light's ability to spin the conversation. He really made it sound like Rem was just a friend of hers. It was sort of depressing also, because it was something she wasn't very good at herself. She wished she could just jump to the point and have him tell her exactly what was expected of her. She missed that about the beginning of their relationship. But... strangely, he seemed more affectionate since being held here by L... and she had to admit, she was almost glad it had happened if it let her be closer to him in that way.

Was that... wrong?

She bit the inside of her lip and stole over to Light, slipping her arms around him in a desperate hug. He remained motionless while she buried her face in the stiff cotton of his shirt, as if she had taken him by surprise. She knelt at his side and scrunched her eyes closed, praying that he would banish the cold at her back by turning and completing the circle of the embrace. She wanted reassurance. She needed it. He was her idol, and she'd come too far to think he might not have a use for her any longer. Could he sense her thoughts? Did he know she desired his imprisonment if only it let her receive his affections? Would he discard her for such a thing? _I...wouldn't blame him, but...doesn't he know it's only because I love him? _

She felt tears well up in her eyes as finally, _finally_, he turned and his arms moved to hold her.

"How long is the second Kira expecting you to be here?" he asked softly.

---

"I'm expected back in the morning," the blonde girl said.

Light looked upon her bowed head apathetically. _Morning... I don't have to wonder much at what you thought might happen in that time._"It is a shame I won't be able to spend those hours with you." He stroked her hair, feeling the sudden tension at his words start to fade again. "You know it wouldn't be allowed," he murmured.

"I..." Misa's hand on his leg tightened a little and then went limp. "I...know."

Light felt detached, as if he were a spectator in this little scene, and not a participant. Just like L, who would be watching via the cameras. And in a way, he was...because this was not himself with Misa, but a great actor who was seeking to exploit every bit of dramatic flair at his disposal.

Yet, close to his heart was the dread of facing L again after another of these scenes - the basis for their argument. It didn't sit right, and he found that he wanted to punish the other boy for it. He wanted to make this situation with Misa stab at his dark-eyed friend's emotions and caring until he felt the same discomfort Light felt.

_No,__**more**__._

He wanted L to be hurt _more_ so that he could claim to be in control of things. So that he had some sort of anchor in the swirling abyss of untested feelings that were consuming him piece by piece.

It was frantic, this desire to retaliate. It was unstable. And it was unfettered enough that it blew freely like paper in a storm, plastering against and obscuring other feelings. It was masking his disgust for intimacy with Misa enough that he could engage in it, yet remain whole. He could go through the motions without being present, focusing only on the misery he sought to wring from the detective.

He was careful to make sure she knew that more than kisses would not be borne. He would not defile himself with her. He could feel the chaos and hatred that would ensue, and the blame he would pile on the other boy - making it all his fault. It would damage them, it would.

_Why do you bring out this part of me, L?_

_Enemies, friends, it's all the same. It's all steeped in this intensity and it makes me want to__**break**__you as I choke on it. _

_Lust or fear in your eyes... either one lets me breathe. Either one makes me want to devour you until there is nothing left._

_---_

TBC

**A/N:** On a lighter note..... Mini poll!

Do you prefer reading LxLight or LightxL?

I have not dismissed the thought of doing a few short stories or one-shots when this is complete, so.... I'm wondering what the masses tend to go for. ;D


	26. Frayed Bonds of Trust

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 26: Frayed Bonds of Trust)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

**A/N:** Everyone! It was great hearing what you thought, and what your responses were to the poll!! I was so happy XD

I replied to pretty much every review this time (all but the last few), so let me know if you didn't get anything. This site is doing weird things for me lately (and i hope none of my responses were eaten!). 'Passing Reader' - mentally prepare a little.

Note on the notebooks: Some of you requested more info regarding location, who has what, do the Shinigami have to stay with the owner at all times, etc... At the end of the chapter, you can find my author's note on all of that. (I didn't feel it necessary to precede this chapter, so catch it after you finish if you want.)

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 26:

Light walked into the other room, leaving Misa in the common area. It was dark... broken only by the glow of a laptop, behind which his eyes placed L.

"Misa is tired and wishes to return to her room," Light said simply. Misa was the most benign thing that they could be talking about.

"Oh? Is that what she wishes?"

...or it could have been, had L allowed it.

L's dark eyes flicked up at him. They were empty, and yet so full at the same time. There was a palpable wall standing between the two of them, engorged on the jealousy, the mistrust, and the intensity that constantly felled them.

Light felt his head tilt in arrogance. "Perhaps not, but it's what I want."

L's thoughts were a mystery as his gaze weighed upon Light.

"Not that you would believe it," he continued, moving to the foot of the bed and looking down upon the detective. Shoulders tensed slightly under the muted white of his shirt. Gloom encased everything, and even that looked muddy and grey. "Though if you'd rather, I'm sure she'd be more than happy to suffer my company tonight."

L's lips compressed into a thin line.

"It would serve you right if I were to agree," the detective muttered harshly, closing the laptop and plunging them into darkness.

"Is that what you would like?" Light pressed him cruelly. "Then you could watch it _all_ and tell me for _**certain**_ if you thought I was faking it."

L brushed past him and out of the room without a word.

Light could hear his voice in the other room, could tell from the cadence that he was putting on his 'social mode'. He heard Misa laugh, and it spiked through him like hot nails. He ground his teeth. L was playing the game back at him, was he? Ridiculous! That the detective thought he could be swayed to jealousy over a pawn like Misa!

But it wasn't that, was it? No, it was merely L's interaction with someone _other than himself_ that was making his blood boil. It had irked him earlier, hearing that L had obliged Misa with a shopping trip. Did she hang upon his arm and try to act all cute with him? He could see L's embarrassed, awkward smile in his head. He could picture the scene, Misa trying things on while L waited and asking for opinions. Had people seen them and mistaken them for a couple?

He wanted to snap her neck. _L was__** his**_.

Light moved stealthily to the doorway, keeping in shadow. They were still there. He could just make out L's face. The tension seemed nonexistent as the two of them conversed. It was a far cry from the face he'd seen only moments ago. Acting like that, people would perceive them to be a couple. It was _infuriating!_ He wanted his mark on L to be carved so deep that no one would ever make that mistake. _Must I really break you to pieces?_

There was a brief moment, before he could move back, that L's eyes seemed to find his in the darkness and lock on. _Knowing._ Had L known he would be standing there watching? Had he?

The dark eyes broke their hold, leaving him even more restless than before as the detective resumed his interaction with the girl. Light clenched his fist. _Oh, you__** are **__playing games with me, aren't you, Ryuuzaki..._

He contemplated all of what he might do to thwart his dark-haired adversary's lead. Misa was the best pawn for either of them to use, it seemed, regardless of her relative unimportance. _Should I make a scene with her in front of you? Force you to endure a lengthy goodbye kiss? Or should I take it even further...? _

L must have felt the tenor of his thoughts because he began leading the blonde to the door.

Light languidly bit at a fingernail, his eyes narrowing. L would walk her to her room... make sure she was locked in tight... and then he would be back.

Perhaps he had given L too much rein, if this mutinous behavior was any indication. Having secured the illusion of control in their sexual encounters seemed to have made the detective overly confident. Perhaps now was time to pull things back to the way _he_ wanted.

---

L returned to the room he shared with Light much later than he intended.

There was an odd feel pervading the space that slowed his steps to ones of caution. Incongruously, the bedroom was ablaze with light, a stark contrast to the mood the brunette had displayed prior.

He'd sensed Light's eyes on him earlier, watching from the black shadows, unseen. It had unsettled him, though it also made him feel triumphant - that he had guessed what would light the fuse of the other boy's jealousy, despite all the posturing he was prone to. Light had been trying to remain aloof and deal out sharp barbs, and yet...there he was obsessively watching L's interaction. Jealous. He was such a contrary creature. He was possessive, but loath to admit it. Did he view it as a weakness?

L deposited his laptop on the table.

He eyed the bedroom.

He did not particularly enjoy the prospect of picking up where their last meeting - or the fight before that - had left off. He had been shaken earlier - not sure what to do in the face of the brunette's outburst in the shower. He truly had felt as if he were less than nothing, the words picking sharply at his insecurities. Later on, he felt anger seeping through his numbness... but it was wrapped up in self-hatred and fear and was not entirely useful. He was afraid that even such a display from Light might be calculated. He couldn't stop such thoughts, even as he'd flinched back from the wrathful shaking in the brunette's voice.

So, despite feeling low, he pursued the path to knowledge. It was all he had. He gave Light and Misa space in the hopes that they would spill their secrets and he tested the brunette's intentions by deliberately provoking his jealousy. The first, he was certain had been successful, though it required more careful attention. He had not been able to focus properly as he watched. The second... was perhaps more successful than he had anticipated.

All he could hope for is that Light would have laid to rest his truly ugly mood in the spirit of working things out.

...It wasn't much of a hope.

The chances, in reality, were slim to none. But optimism could often turn the tide, couldn't it?

The doorway loomed before him. He didn't see Light as he approached from the dimness of the common area. _In the bathroom, perhaps?_ He listened and thought he heard the faucet running. Or was that water draining?

He stepped into the room, noting the door to the bathroom was closed before a rough hand closed upon his mouth and nose. An arm encircled his torso and bound his arms to his sides. The noise of surprise strangled itself quietly, devoid of the air it needed to make itself truly heard. L struggled in a panic as his first attempt to draw breath failed.

"You've been gone a while," a dark voice said in his ear.

The water noise had stopped. It must have been the sink draining. A simple distraction. _Stupid_ of him to have fallen for it.

"It makes me wonder what you've been up to."

The voice was one he knew well. One he'd be able to place in an instant had the situation been different. But air, _AIR_. It was all he could think of. Pressure was building up in his head and it was almost like being underwater. His vision was starting to fade at the edges, turning grey. He tried to kick, tried to wrench his mouth open to bite the hand covering it, but the lack of oxygen was making him weak. He couldn't do it properly. He twitched as his lungs shuddered emptily.

All of a sudden, he was released. He slumped limply to the floor, coughing and gasping in sweet, cool lung-fulls of air.

He dimly registered his hands being pulled behind his back, but marked it unimportant as long as it did not impede his breath.

More alarming was that something was being twisted about his wrists, binding them together. L wrenched at his arms, tried to turn around to see, but darkness dropped over his eyes as cloth bound his sight as well.

The merest sliver of the room's light crept under the blindfold, driving home to him how helpless he had become at this moment as he was pulled to his feet. He held fast against the frantic tremors that encroached upon his chest like a vice and trickled through his arms, ignoring them and his accelerating heartbeat. His mouth was dry, but he spoke as if unaffected, "If you release me, I'll be willing to overlook-"

"Don't make me gag you."

_Stiff, unyielding, cutting. _L swallowed. It was the Kira aspect of Light's voice that had thrown him off at first. His brain simply hadn't wanted to register it.

"Now tell me..." The voice was curdled pleasantry. "Why were you away so long? I don't believe such a simple task would have taken so much time."

"..." L did not want to admit he'd planned to drag his feet, knowing and wanting it to make Light even more jealous. Misa had been uncharacteristically chatty, which had stalled his return past the point he'd intended to make Light wait, but even then part of him had drifted back to the brunette with slight smugness as he imagined the other boy's growing impatience.

_Stupid. Stupid!_

If he'd had any idea _**this**_ was what he'd be coming back to, he would not have done it in the first place. _Dammit,_ he thought desperately._ Why can't you react like a normal person?_

"I don't appreciate your games, L," LightKira warned.

The brunette was pulling the neck of L's shirt aside - a simple thing that seemed to take forever, deliberate as it was, done with the delicacy required for unearthing vulnerability. It was at odds with his tightly bound hands and the blindfold that felt so heavy over his eyes. L felt anxiety scrabbling in his chest as lips touched his bared skin. Kira was not a pleasant master. Was it too late to coax Light back to the surface?

"I despise being toyed with," the brunette said, nipping at his skin with increasing force as he trailed up L's neck.

Each touch jagged through him. "It was not my intention," L tried to say evenly, fearing the pain he knew was coming. Waiting for it only made it worse.

"You were either late _entertaining_ the girl," he implied infidelity, "or late because you thought to win some small triumph against me. Can you guess which one displeases me more?"

Teeth tested his flesh. The wrong answer would hurt, they promised. "We were merely talking," L clarified, not wanting to suffer for a technicality. He heard the slight tremor in his voice and damned the weakness it displayed. "But I would say that the latter is what-"

He broke off in a hoarse cry as teeth broke his skin and held him.

He couldn't see, but had he been able, he knew his vision would be swimming. The other boy had found a sensitive spot, and the sharp pain there was turning his stomach while it made rubber of his legs.

"Wrong answer," Kira stated, licking the wound he'd inflicted with a long, slow sweep of his tongue. "Care to try again?" he murmured in L's ear.

L felt the prickling heat of tears forming in his eyes. He hated Kira. _Hated_ him. It was almost a blessing he wasn't mocked with seeing Light's face attached to that voice or these deeds. "NO," he rasped. "What do you want from me?"

He was starting to shake. Uncertainty was taking over his mind, and his impaired sight only heightened his awareness of every movement of the person behind him. The person who would know well enough that anger was his last rally and defense against things that made him feel weak, scared or desperate.

He waited for a response, the tension riding through his body increasing with every passing second.

He waited to be mocked, prodded, or abused..._something_....something to break the chill silence...something to dispel the feel of eyes upon him, dissecting him and savoring his discomfort.

He stumbled as he was pushed forward roughly, his eyes blinking wide unseeingly and straining against the darkness as if he could make his vision return through sheer effort. Something struck against his shins, pinning them, cushioned but unyielding. _The bed?_ His stomach lurched.

Kira's body pressed against his back, and the bed against his legs. He couldn't move. Kira's hands smoothed down his own, which lay entrapped behind him, curling around the cloth that cut off the circulation at his wrists and holding him suspended above this precipice. No doubt trying to make the anticipation of what may happen next break his self-possession with anxiety.

"What do I want from you," Kira's voice snaked into his ear, a harsh whisper.

The hands on his bonds dragged downwards and suddenly his balance was a very fragile thing.

"I want everything you possibly have to give." Breath was hot against his ear. "And for what you cannot give me, I want everything I can _take_." Dark...that voice...dark and harsh and devoid of compassion. L's throat constricted at the sound of it. His heart began beating in a staccato flutter against the cage of his chest.

The laughter came then, slow and self-satisfied.

L felt his panic rising, sloshing over the walls that formed the reservoir of calm, rational thought. "Oh, I don't want to kill you, L." Kira said breathlessly, twisting his bound arms at an abnormal angle. L made a choked noise, as if his protest could stay the progression of that excruciating movement. "I just want to tear you open."

_Calm_, L thought futilely.

((I'm panicking))

_Calm!_

Kira's lips sought his, and he fought it, struggling again, madly. It was Light's mouth, but it was savage. Any warmth it contained was a twisted mockery, it was more truly the heat of conquest. Of power. It was brutal and debilitating. It ravaged him with disregard. Taking, _taking_.

He wanted to ask again: _Why are you doing this?_ But even had he the option of forming the words, he would not have heard any response that could ease the clenching in his chest nor the spinning of his head.

He couldn't fathom this part of Light surfacing now after it had seemed successfully suppressed. Surfacing now, doing what it was doing now, it was destroying everything. His trust in the brunette was shattering. Perhaps it had been too much to hope he could control this part, that he could banish the personality or keep it in check.

He was snapped from his thoughts as he was released and shoved forward, his mind clawing wildly as he fell.

"Stop _thinking_," Kira demanded harshly as L's body hit the mattress. "Stop analyzing me!" L struggled to right himself, his deadened arms dug into his back unpleasantly. He did not want to be in this position. Horizontal was bad. _Helpless._ He needed-

A hand on his chest forced him down again. Legs straddled him and gave him no leverage with which to work. "Light, stop this," he said desperately, "you aren't thinking clearly-"

"Shut up!" the other boy snarled, clutching L's throat. "_You'_re the one at fault! You're _**mine**_ and yet you resist me at every turn, try to bend me to your will and I won't have it." His voice lowered, wrapping itself in resolve, "I've obviously been far too lenient, and if I have to make you _bleed_ in order to show you just who is in control here, so be it."

L thrashed but he had nowhere to go. He had no way to stop the hand that was baring his torso and unfastening his jeans.

He had no way to avoid facing the fact that even in his extreme distress, his body could not help but respond to the boy above him.

There must be something wrong with him - that fear and anxiety of this extent were not enough to kill the misbegotten reaction. But it had happened this way before. The last time, he'd had a taser to use to vanquish his shame before it could fully manifest. This time, he had nothing. His assailant's lack of forethought in this had actually called L's bluff.

It had seemed the perfect way to contain him - Light never would have guessed he'd done away with true measures of holding. But L cursed himself for not retaining a backup. Though if that backup had been discovered, it would have negated his bluff in the first place.

"Gnngh!" L clenched his teeth as Kira marked him. Sounds of pain only seemed to drive the other to become more creative, so L struggled for silence. Stray whimpers escaped his throat and mortified him as the brunette alternately offered him torment and pleasure.

It was too much. L panted as his skin ached and burned, shying from touch yet welcoming it. Kira's attentions were blistering, robbing him of strength and self-preservation.

"I love you like this, L," Kira said against his mouth in a passionate whisper. "Exist only to please me."

L shuddered, horrified that those words could affect him, repulsed that he couldn't fully reject the sensual tongue that slid past his lips or the mouth that was suffocating him.

He fell into the gentle motion, the lack of hurt. He lapped it up, just as he was meant to and he hated himself for it. Hated himself for the thready moan that broached his lips as Kira touched him. _You're disgusting. Filthy. Depraved._

_((_Stop it!_))_

"You don't need anyone else, do you, L..." Kira's voice was rich and heady, seeming to come from everywhere as those slender fingers unraveled him with their motions. "...only me." So self-assured, so confident, _telling _him what to believe, blasphemous truth that it was.

His protest betrayed him, forming instead a string of sounds that spilled from his mouth in damning affirmation.

The hand that had been upon his throat now stroked his face distractingly, soothingly, as his mouth was spread open and devoured anew. Gentle, encouraging caresses were his companion as he lost himself to the possessive oppression of their linked mouths and his failing body. The opposite of the demanding hand upon his flesh that dragged his pleasure from him in sharp, calculated movements.

His body stuttered as he lost the last of his will.

Blank.

Everything felt blank.

He was dimly aware of his ragged breathing.

The feeling throbbing in his chest was not one he wished to name or acknowledge. It was too bitter to own...

It intensified and curdled as awareness drifted back enough to remind him this scene had yet to play itself out. He swallowed thickly as he heard the fall of discarded clothing. He couldn't move, and he could not feel anything of his arms. Or at least he couldn't until hands rolled him over onto his stomach. All of a sudden, blood rushed back into his limbs in a flurry of hot needles. L cried out in muted pain and writhed as it got worse.

"It will pass," said a voice in his ear.

L couldn't gauge the feeling behind it, but abandoned the attempt when he felt his thighs being parted. That awful feeling in his chest grew uglier as fingers moved to pave the way for further depravation. "No..." he moaned weakly against the intrusion. He tried to force life within his limbs, tried to crawl away, gaining nothing for his troubles but a bracing arm bearing down upon his back.

"Shhh," the voice soothed. It wasn't comforting. It was an order.

He couldn't quantify that voice any longer. Kira? Light? The cadences and tone blended until he could no longer decipher it, his constant companion through this, and to whom being it belonged. For Kira could hide himself so well in faux kindness, just as Light could give himself up to Kira's dark fits of rage.

His hips were tilted with firm hands to meet the press of his tormentor's arousal. He tried to prepare himself for the discordant feeling, but couldn't get past the swirling panic that started to drown him as soon as slick pressure bore down on him, demanding entrance with forceful intent. There was no pause, just the creeping, unyielding push that wouldn't stop. It would split him apart if he fought it. But how could he not fight it?

"Please," he pleaded with little breath. "If you do this, I'll never forgive you."

Lips laid kisses along his shoulder. "...never truthful," the other boy murmured.

L's momentary surprise was his undoing. He'd dropped his guard for only a moment, but it was enough for the other boy to breach his body's defenses. He clenched his teeth as the heat of the brunette's flesh forced its way inside, making him gasp as he was stretched to accommodate more and more of that unbearable desire.

It was terrible. Untenable. He wanted to curse the brunette as the other paused, now fully sheathed, the warmth of his body covering L's own. But the smooth feel of passion-slicked skin touching his backside and pressing him into the mattress caused distressing sparks of pleasure to manifest amidst the pain, so he cursed himself instead.

And it was so much worse when the other began to move.

Silence was impossible.

Any discomfort was transforming itself insidiously into craving. Even when the other boy became more rough, thrusting into him in a manner that should have caused misery, it all warped itself into fuel for this unwanted desire.

"I knew you wanted this," Light's voice was heavy in his ear, breathless and lustful.

"You're wrong," L ground out.

"Am I?" The tone was liquid, sure, so disarming in the sensual quality of it.

Light rolled him onto his side then, raising L's Leg and penetrating even deeper, even harder. L cried out, unable to staunch the sound.

The blindfold was hot on his burning face. It reminded him that the room was not dark to the other boy's eyes as it was to his. He was utterly exposed and at the brunette's mercy. His body shook under the barrage of those punishing thrusts, under the sick pleasure that slid throughout his every nerve.

He felt his flesh twitch even before the brunette took it in hand.

"Is this evidence of your disinterest, Ryuuzaki?" The humid voice sent tremors racing through him, bringing the cloud of mindless oblivion that was the precursor to losing control. He wouldn't. Not like this.

Light's skin burned like a brand along his back, as did his stroking hand, and his fevered lips upon L's cheek.

Not...like...this...

"I hate y-" L tried to get out, only to find the words swallowed when wandering lips graced his with an indulgent kiss.

A kiss.

It was only a kiss.

L's body snapped under the force of his release. He agonized that something so simple as a kiss had peaked his pleasure so wildly - that such a thing could break through his reserve, that such a thing had felt somehow more intimate than everything else in that moment.

He was laid bare to sensation of Light's body moving within his, brushing sensitive areas everywhere as the other boy sought his own satisfaction deep within L's body. He couldn't help the pale moans he uttered as pleasure continued to fizzle through him, or the jerks of his body as Light rhythmically touched a place that dragged a second orgasm impossibly closer.

"Ryuu...zaki..." Light breathed through clenched teeth as his body tensed. He buried himself within L several more times,before he lost the ability and his body spent itself. L shuddered once more, burdened by the sensations and the erotic vocalization of the name that only Light ever used, and then he was was aware of nothing.

---

Light held L's limp body close to him as he fought to regain his breath.

The other boy's dark hair was damp and clung in fine tendrils to the flushed skin of his graceful neck.

Light felt a sudden surge of annoyance for the shirt that lay twisted about L's arms and shoulders, but knew he was only projecting his irritation to a more easily acceptable target. He undid the knot of cloth at the back of L's head and flung the makeshift blindfold away. He would not be forgiven for this.

Despite what he had said earlier, he knew that he would not.

Light curled about L's pale, lean body and tried not to think about it. Tried not to be caught in the endless circles of logic his mind wished to pursue in order to justify this.

This, the evidence of his feelings for the other boy, displayed in the worst way possible. The abomination of his hurt and his jealousy as they twisted together. Perhaps L would think he'd lost control again, that Kira had possessed him. Perhaps he should play along with the prettier lie that that presented.

_I am an ugly human being._

Wasn't love supposed to redeem the piteous creatures that humans were, and transform them into something glowing, noble, and better than the sum of their faulty parts? Wasn't that the ideal that was so often purported?

Why then?

Why had such a thing been able to darken his soul to this extent?

"Why is it that you cannot understand me?" he whispered, closing his eyes and hiding his face in soft black hair. If only he were not susceptible to jealousy, to rage, to this fear of the strong emotions he'd developed for the boy in his arms and the desire to conquer that by being _in control_. If only Ryuuzaki hadn't accused him so many times of not caring, of faking. If only L had not attempted to make him jealous...

If only he could stop blaming everyone but himself for the way things went wrong.

He grimaced as he heard the replay of L's pleading, of his own callous disregard. He could be so shortsighted. He'd needed, and he'd taken. L had reacted, though he fought, and Light had washed his own concerns away on that one line of thought. _Because L had reacted._ He'd disregarded L's feelings and trust... all the important things had paled beyond his goal of possession.

He didn't want this clarity of thought.

Not now.

Not now that reality had wormed its way in, souring his victory and turning it rancid with regret.

"I'm sorry," he uttered faintly, not caring if he was heard. L was going to have to dispose of him now, surely. In hindsight, it was the cracking of their foundation he'd heard in the background of gasps, moans, and ragged breathing. It was the sound of their unsteady relationship falling to ruin.

What use did the world have for a god that was such a failure?

What moral ground did he hold over those he disposed of?

How could he revel in the tearing down of the person he liked best? How could he want that so badly and then hate himself so desperately once the craving was sated?

_Was I always this fucked up?_

_Have I been projecting all this time - finding fault with everything around me when the deepest fault has always been within myself?_

No, no, it was too simplistic. For there were far more grievous faults in those around him. The murderers... the rapists...

_((_Crimes to which you could now claim ownership._)) _

_Am I becoming__** them**__?_

_I'm now guilty of the same._ Does purging the world of filth require you to become that which you despise? That which you would seek to remove? _If I cleansed the world, I would be the only one left; I would be the only one left to mar a pure world. My goal would have me destroy myself in order to achieve its completion._

Or is it _just_ for a corrupt god to rule, so long as the lies that surround him are seamless and his subjects never discover the truth?

Lies, lies, lies.

_I used to hate lies. I still do._

_But lies are all that I will have left._

No wonder Kira had become a separate persona. _What I've been doing has been at odds with my nature. I saw it as soon as I began to piece myself back together. Kira was the method by which I would achieve my goal and remain whole._ When the new world was created and complete, Kira would have stepped back into the shadows, and 'Light' would step to the fore, self-righteous and pure.

How laughable it was.

How perfectly pathetic.

_Even if I were of a mind to abandon it all_, he thought with disgust, _I cannot._ Ryuuk... is there no way around Ryuuk? ((What does it matter? L will want you destroyed after this.))

He ignored that other inner voice and the unease that settled within him with cold grasping fingers. Tried to ignore it... but couldn't. Restlessness itched through him. He sat up, putting distance between himself and the body of the one he'd betrayed. It was as if touching the purity of that white skin would further taint it. Touching it might turn it black.

Light stared at his hands.

Nothing was different. ((murderer...)) But they felt different. ((rapist...))

He glanced at L. Dark eyes were still closed. His breathing was still even, suggesting sleep.

Bruises blossomed on his pale skin like sickened roses. It was a beautiful contrast. Just as the inky black of soft hair was lovely against the whiteness of his cheek and the smooth curve of his neck.

Light almost moved to touch, but the tawny color of his hand ruined the scene. It did not belong.

He pulled the edge of L's white shirt down to cover his skin, as far as it could go without waking him. He unbound reddened wrists then stood so he could fold the bed's blanket over the other boy as well.

"I'm sorry," he murmured again, as if the words were a mantra that had the power to erase deeds. The room felt claustrophobic and garish with its blazing light.

Light walked to the doorway of the room, looked out into the common area where he could plainly see the unguarded laptop on the table. He stared at it a moment, then turned away. He didn't care.

He stepped back into the bedroom, glancing at L's unmoving form. _Still asleep?_ _That won't last long. You never did like to be unaware._

He cut the light, plunging the room into calming, secretive darkness. It was a relief from the illumination that seemed to expose everything so coarsely. He moved across the floor quietly and shut himself into the bathroom. He stood a moment in the near dark, the night-light offering paltry brightness, wondering if he should bother flipping on the light switch as he stared at the specter of himself in the mirror.

Deep shadows made holes of his eyes, and clung to his naked body in ghoulish accent. He stared into his own face and felt that it was not his own. All of his sins seemed branded upon this other person, worn like a cloak of achievement, present in the self-satisfied smile that turned those lips upward. He stepped closer and looked into that face, into the shaded eyes that gleamed with reflected light, and thought that he could very nearly apply the word _evil_.

(.(Stand before a darkened mirror if you want to see the true face of humanity).)

He turned from the mirror and went into the shower, deciding he could see well enough to forgo the overhead light. Beneath the scalding spray, he wondered if he would ever again feel clean.

---

L stared into the darkness of the room, having been awake for some time, the running water of the shower a backdrop to his conflicting thoughts.

* * *

TBC

**A/N:** As promised... Here is a little clarification.

**Note on the notebooks**:

NOTEBOOK AND MEMORY

In this fic, I am choosing to operate by the principle that memories of the Death Note, Shinigami, etc., can be regained and retained by merely touching the notebook. I believe this is canon, but if not, consider it to be an element of AU.

SHINIGAMI

The Shinigami are not required to spend all of their time with the human they are possessing, the owner of the notebook. They can, but they don't have to. Rem sticks with Misa a lot, by choice, as does Ryuuk with Light, though Ryuuk is more prone to wandering. Even when Mikami takes ownership of Rem's note, Rem spends most of her time with Misa (this is mentioned right before Misa meets up with L, when Misa asks if it is ok that Rem is with her instead of... (it was a vague hint at there being a different 2nd Kira from Misa herself))

Rem and Ryuuk both have their own notebooks. Done. The ones they loan out are Jealous' (to Misa) and Sidoh's (to Light). For the sake of sanity, if I refer to 'Ryuuk's notebook', or 'Rem's notebook', I probably mean one of those, and not the Shinigami's _personal _notebook unless I specifically say that it is. ((Ryuuk wears his personal notebook on his hip.)) OK!

NOTEBOOK - LIGHT

Now, Light has Ryuuk's (really, Sidoh's) notebook which he has hidden. He couldn't know way back when he was brought in by L (bondage!), that he would be unable to do anything on his own, or use the note. OR even that he would be brought under lock and key in the first place. Luckily for him, he defaults to hiding it, so this was not really a problem.

NOTEBOOK MISA, MIKAMI

Misa has Rem's notebook (Jealous') and actively uses it, up until recently. As Light discovers, she no longer has the Shinigami eyes, and no longer has the Death Note. She has given up ownership of the notebook to Mikami, and he has traded for the eyes himself. Misa touched the notebook after giving it up, so she does regain her memories of it, but she loses the Shinigami eyes as soon as she forfeits ownership. She had to give up the note entirely instead of lending it to him or else Mikami would not be able to make the eye trade, which was necessary to keep her out of suspicion for being the second Kira since she'd already been killing by face alone.

Basically, Misa figured that to be convincing as the second Kira, Mikami would need all the tools at his disposal. She had to give up the note or else he would not be able to trade for the eyes. She had been killing people that way - people that weren't broadcasted - so if that were to suddenly change, L could suspect another change in ownership. This would leave Misa in the cone of suspicion as having at some point been the second Kira. L could assume that she was lending the power to someone else, and was still very dangerous (and guilty). The entire point of everything was to keep Misa out of suspicion and out of harm's way. Neither she nor Rem would mind Mikami taking a fall if _he_ got caught. It was not their concern.

In addition, Misa has the plan to try and get at L. 'L' was supposed to meet 'the second Kira' directly, at which point Mikami could see and write the name. When they meet, Misa points out that neither of them are who they are supposed to be. (In Misa's p.o.v. this is true as she knows him as Ryuuzaki and cannot see is name. By L's p.o.v., this is utterly false; he believes she is the second Kira at the time but plays along when she says she is not.) Misa was certain that Ryuuzaki was not L, which she stated (and Mikami was able to hear by phone) so that plan changed - she demanded to see the 'real L' and Light as well (thanks to Ryuuk).

Other than some specifics regarding the 'detective L' and Light, Mikami was given free rein to divert attention from Misa. It worked very well. (Yes, both she and Rem were afraid that she would not be able to keep up with being the second Kira. It was only a matter of time before she messed up and L was already honing in on her)

IN CLOSING

I hope this wasn't too convoluted. It was pieced together from questions people asked, my answers to them, as well as a lot of guesswork on my part on what had people confused. (Some of your questions were not specific on that, so I tried to just cover it all). Thank you for voicing your questions in the first place! I endeavor to make everything clear in the story itself, but I suppose it is inevitable that I am not always successful. :) If any of you have questions in the future, ask away. :D


	27. A Devil's Affections

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 27: A Devil's Affections)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

**A/N**: Your reviews this time were especially deep, thought-provoking and wonderful. Several of them really moved me, and I want to thank you for that. I found myself wishing I could speak with the people that wrote such poignant things... if any of you have LJ, look me up? There is a link on my _FF(dot)net_ profile.

p.s. Time has not allowed me to reply to all of you yet. We had company visiting all week, and any spare time I used for writing. I'm working on the end which is turning out to be quite interesting. ^^ But, I thought I should get this update out there, and do responses later. (Expect them! XD)

------------

**A/N 2:** _Addressing the questions others have had..._

(Abi) About the soup... (I LOL about that!) Light did indeed eat some without complaint in ch. 22 after announcing he hated it in ch. 8. You could see that as an inconsistency, OR you could see that as Light being his usual, snotty self in ch. 8, saying things that aren't necessarily true in order to get what he wanted. After the food was ordered, he did decide he wanted the chicken skewers - saying he preferred them to the soup may not have gotten him his way.

About the girlfriends.... you got me. (reference: Light says to L that his list of girlfriends would be a long one, despite Graham saying earlier that Light had not been known to date before Misa.) You could do mind tricks to make it be consistent, such as Graham or other students being unaware of Light's dating activities before Misa ... but even then, it was something that wasn't meticulously planned out, and was written in the moment.

Thank you for mentioning those though. It keeps me trying even harder to not slip up. :)

----

**About the death Note and memories....** There was an author's note last chapter. (That bit is a little AU. I tried to avoid going AU on anything, but in this area I found it necessary. My apologies for that!)

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 27:

L lay in the darkness, his skin feeling smothered by the weight of the blanket his rapist had so kindly placed over his abused body.

_'I'm sorry.'_

Twice he'd heard those words. The first instance, he hadn't been certain of as it filtered through his hazy mind while he was coming back to himself. It seemed an impossible thing, so out of place, but he'd kept quiet and feigned sleep and by the end he'd heard it once more.

The incongruity of it was nearly as prominent as it had been with the brunette's later behavior.

He'd read before that rape was about power, about demeaning someone in order to elevate yourself. What cause would Light have had to then apologize? What tactic could it embody when he believed L to be asleep? What sort of logic would explain that action, or the fact that Light had held him close afterwards and even seen to his comfort?

If it was all about power, and Light's restless behavior was due only to his anticipation of punishment...

Then Light would have kept him bound. He would have prolonged his victory _because_ he knew he would reap what he had sown - any illusions of L's having been shattered irreparably. He would wring everything he could from the situation for as long as he could. He could have done so much more... with L immobile, he would have access to the laptop and even a phone. L had listened to Light's footsteps as he'd moved around. They had paused at the doorway. He had considered the laptop. He _had_. But why then had he dismissed it?

L sat up, wincing at the discomfort of his wooden limbs.

Could it be that Light was reticent, having come back to himself after not being in control? Was all of this merely his reaction to Kira's work? If it were so, then Light would be playing everything safe. _And, he will apologize to my face.__ He will want his appearances. He will weave his dismay and regret about every action, working to save face and save his life._

L glanced at the bathroom door, wincing again at the stiffness in his neck where he'd been bitten so harshly. The skin felt swollen and, when he touched it, left faint streaks of red on his fingers. The shower had been running for some time now. Curiously, he saw no light beneath the door. He had the urge to open it. He had the urge to confront the boy inside and see for himself what lies that mouth would choose to offer him.

There was also the urge to wrench him out of there by the back of his neck - to pay back at least a little of the pain and humiliation he'd received.

But the anger wasn't as blinding as he would have expected. Even as he regarded the raw, chaffed skin of his wrists or the darkening bruises on his torso and legs. He felt oddly... detached.

_Am I suffering from shock?_

If so, what a delightful defense mechanism the human body housed. It was a shame that the effect was sure to wear off and leave him incapacitated. _Should I confront him head on before that happens? Am I even in my right mind to?_

L pulled his boxers up over his hips and tugged his long sleeved shirt back into place with clumsy hands. He shifted towards the edge of the bed and stood experimentally, his legs shaking beneath his weight. The stab of pain that jolted within him at the movement made his stomach heave.

He staggered to the bathroom door, deciding it would serve the other boy right to be barged in on.

_...his own fault if I get sick in front of him._

His thoughts were muddy. L realized he actually felt rather ill and couldn't muster up much conviction or anything else past his awareness of it.

The door was unlocked. He wrapped his hand around the door frame, resting against it as he flipped the light on and tried to weather the thick steam as it made his head spin. He really didn't want to get sick. He would prefer not to.

Tension simmered in the air. He'd felt it as soon as he'd entered - the pregnant pause that indicated the other boy's focus had snapped onto him with surprise. There was no motion from the silhouette in the shower.

Now that he was in here, L wasn't sure what to do. He still hadn't ruled out the need to empty his stomach, but was starting to suspect it would be less pleasant for himself than for the brunette who would inevitably witness it.

He took small steps to the sink. It was ridiculously hot in here. He turned on the faucet and dragged a line of toothpaste upon the bristles of his toothbrush, just for something to do. The sound of his brushing was lost in the clatter of droplets hitting shower tiles. _Should I say nothing? Should I let him approach me with all of his petty excuses on his own time?_

"I want to shower," L found himself saying in a dull, informative voice as he leaned upon the sink.

He thought it an inappropriate thing with which to break the silence, but it was so hot he couldn't even ascertain why he'd mentioned it, though it was the truth. His brain felt like it was melting, as if he were suffering heatstroke and that was the cause of his sluggish, sickly manner. He rinsed his brush and put it back in the holder. The smell of mint seemed overwhelming. His stomach was lurching. He left the balmy heat before Light could reply, intent on escaping it before it made him feel any worse.

The cool air of the bedroom was a blessed change. He breathed it in and lay back down, thankful that the spinning of his head was slowing and his stomach was settling. The running water stopped shortly thereafter.

He could almost fall asleep if it weren't for the fluttering anxiousness that was skirting his consciousness.

What was he going to do with Light?

And for what reason had he been showering in the dark like that?

The bathroom door opened quietly. Light emerged, his face devoid of expression, a towel wrapped around his waist. He immediately went to the closet and grabbed clothing at random, pulling it on over damp, bare flesh with military precision. His fingers were quick upon the buttons of the shirt, slowing only on the final one. Stalling...

Light turned his head slightly, face in profile, eyes averted. "The shower is free," he said over his shoulder. There was no inflection. No guilt, no concern, no fear, no anything. Empty.

_No games to start?_

"Is that all you have to say for yourself?" Ah, _there_ was the prickling of annoyance that would bring in the flood of his own anger.

"What would you have me say?" the brunette responded, the flat cadence of his voice was the same as before.

"..." L recognized this mood. It was the self-depreciating mode he'd seen the other boy fall to at times, often followed by a swift spat of anger. "Anything would suffice," he said stonily. He would force the brunette to speak if he must. He wouldn't allow this sort of disregard. To be offered no explanation for the behavior he'd been made to endure...

L couldn't describe the expression that flickered for a moment across Light's face, that lingered in his golden eyes.

"Perhaps I should ask how you are feeling?" Light said offhandedly, stinging him with the words though there was no skillful cruelty in the way they were delivered. "Or would that be tasteless of me?" Light's tone was sharpening. He was trying to incite L's anger, warming up to the task with carefully chosen words.

L had no desire to suffer the inevitable turn of the exchange had he indulged his first, outraged response. Instead he said, "Help me sit up."

Surprise flashed naked across the brunette's face before being being buried beneath the veneer of apathy. "If you wish."

L did not need the assistance. He wanted to force the other boy to deal with him, and he wanted to ruin that reserved poise. He wanted Light close enough for him to discern any subtleties of expression or body language he might otherwise miss.

Light's wary approach belied his unease. His averted eyes further spoke of it, contradicting his otherwise cool exterior. He hesitated to touch L, but did so, his hands feeling less than steady as he did as requested.

"You would not be surprised if I said that I hated you...?" L queried sharply before Light could pull away. Those hands jerked slightly.

"No," he responded, his tone more guarded than before.

"But it bothers you," L said bluntly, latching onto the brunette's discomfort, wringing it relentlessly with his scrutiny. "Why is that?"

Light looked away.

"Why were you showering in the dark?" L pressed.

Light was silent.

"Why was the water so hot? Why didn't you try to use the laptop when you could?" A frown tugged at Light's stoic mask. L didn't expect answers now, he was leading up to something, setting a pace with the flurry of questions. "Why do you only apologize when you think _I can't hear you_?"

The last one threw the brunette off guard, making him react. His mouth opened reflexively, as if to speak or to defend himself, before snapping shut again. Briefly widened amber eyes closed and averted, forced to half mast in a play of being disaffected.

"How do you expect anyone to understand you??"

"...I don't." So sullen...he seemed galled that L had been awake after all. That L could bring up things that were practically said in confidence.

"And that is your misfortune," L said tightly.

_If only I could just hate you. How simple things would be. But no, you make me want the reason behind your actions before I judge you. And somehow your strange behavior thus far still has the ability to make me concerned for you. I can be beside myself with hurt and anger and still I am capable of worrying about you. I detest it! It isn't rational._

When L's focus moved outward again, he found Light's eyes upon him, caged and bleak as they studied him. Imperiousness was absent from his posture. He spoke, that cautiousness evident once more, "Misa is not the second Kira."

It was said like an offering, but L didn't for a moment have cause to believe him. Yet as well as he knew the brunette, he was certain this was no lie. "Why are you telling me this?"

"She cannot kill you. She does not have the eyes."

"Are you saying that she once _was_ Kira?"

A pause. "Yes, but no longer."

"How does it benefit you to have me know this?" L said sharply.

A shadow crossed Light's face. "Must it benefit me? Do you think that is the foundation for _all_ of my actions?"

"I do."

"Then I won't argue with you."

L stared into that impassive face._ What are you hiding from me? What secret are you curling around and protecting so possessively?_

"Even so," Light continued quietly, "Misa is in contact with the second Kira, and may have his ear. I would not do anything to incur her jealousy."

"Thank you for your 'concern', Yagami," L said with faux pleasantness. It was but a thin layer to cover his growing agitation and was intentionally transparent.

Anger flashed brightly in Light's eyes, but he reined it in.

L quite expected the brunette to start abasing him for his disbelief and his mocking attitude, as was typical when L questioned his sincerity, but he did not. The silence again. This silence was getting to L more than he would have thought possible, his mind racing to fill in blanks in the absence of information. But he didn't need his own speculations. They seemed worthless, since they were not the truth, and that rankled.

"What makes you think I would act in a manner that would make her jealous?" L remarked snidely.

Light gave him a droll look. "You did before," he said reflexively. He seemed to realize the second it left his mouth the opening he'd given L.

"_Before?_" L said, rounding on him with cutting words, "You mean before you erased from my mind any thought I _**might**_ have entertained about you being a decent human being? Before _that_?" He knew he was pushing Light. He could feel the turmoil snapping like boiling water beneath the facade. _Say something, damn you!_

"Yes, before that," the other boy confirmed quietly, infuriatingly. "You're quite right, things will most undoubtedly be different now."

"And why wouldn't they be?" L raged, losing his cool. "You can't just _**do**_ things like that to people and expect them to come back for more! But you'd know that. This had to be what you wanted, though it is beyond me as to _why_."

Light's head tilted slightly as he regarded L, digesting his outburst with a considering look. "Or perhaps nothing will change..." he said softly, almost as if to himself.

L was beside himself._You...you __**bastard**__!_

"Bring me the laptop and then get out," L said coldly, rage shaking through his limbs. That Light could see even the barest evidence of his conflict, that he would take that weakness - that _caring_ - as a sign that his grievous actions would be absolved... That he could even contain that sort of _**arrogance**_--

"DO IT," he barked out when Light made no move to comply.

Those eyes unnerved him. They settled on him like a caress as they searched for the key to pulling his mind apart. They were eyes that were not concerned with right or wrong. He could swear they were they eyes Light would have shown him had he not been blindfolded earlier. They had the power to render him motionless, to recall in him that desperate and panicked feeling that had tightened his throat.

He wanted to recoil as Light took a step towards him, but that would have been a mistake. He sat up, and slid a leg off the bed, threatening action. "Don't make me kill you, Light."

Something flickered in those golden eyes. Something convoluted and raw. The intensity of that gaze receded and became more normal, but shuttered.

"I would never make you do such a thing," Light said with a small, fake smile. His lips were turned up, but gave the impression of a frown.

As the brunette turned to leave the room, L saw all the expression slide from his aristocratic face as if it had been nothing but water.

---

The next morning dawned premature and excruciating, a fitting end to a sleepless night.

"Li~ight!" Misa sang petulantly from her place at the table, "It's late, couldn't you come to see me before now?"

Light found that his usual ire at the girl's frivolous attitude was notoriously absent. He couldn't even muster much annoyance. It was disconcerting to say the least.

"I told you I can't leave the room," he corrected her. "That is why Ryuuzaki escorts you here instead." It should have been harder to remain civil.

Misa flounced her black, goth-loli skirt, another purchase from her late night shopping trip with L, and still...

Nothing.

Not even a flicker of 'So-help-me-god, you annoy me to no end,' his usual reaction to her primping and attempts to be charming.

She batted her eyelashes at him and smiled cutely, taking his arm prisoner. The only pang he felt at that was unease. He'd had no idea how cutting L's displeasure with him could be. It was warranted, yes, but... _I shouldn't have said that... _

_'Maybe nothing will change.' _

He had correctly guessed at L's turmoil, that the feelings the detective possessed might offset his own punishment or death...but the fault lay in musing aloud. It hadn't been intentional. He had been taken by the swift flood of L's outburst, he'd seen the anger for what it was - a testament to the conflict between L's feelings for him and the detective's need to assuage his pride with retribution.

The anger... a sign that L did not like the tenor of his own thoughts...a sign that L felt weak for his indecision. _A sign that he might have no choice but to let this go, because killing me would harm him as well._

It was perhaps unfair that he was aware of the possibility that L loved him, when it was not a confession made to his own ears. They both knew it put L at a disadvantage; a sticking point for the detective, as was evidenced. But Light had no intention of leveling the playing field. That would be beyond foolish. Nothing was to be gained from such an admission, were he even capable of voicing such an inconceivable thing. _Caring... would you laugh, Ryuuzaki? Or would you strike my face, believing me to be mocking you with such a lie?_

If love was a thing they both held towards each other, then it was most certainly a sentiment with a myriad of faces.

L's was composed of camaraderie - as was his own - but it felt straight-forward and honest. It was nothing like his own; the mire of dark, tar-like jealousy, and the sick, damaging will to possess - even at the ruination of the object of his desire.

Even Misa had her own form of 'love'. It was flitting and insubstantial, something that dwelled on the surface, blind to reality... yet it was strong enough. And most of all, harmless, showing him again how twisted his own mind seemed to be.

"Light, are you listening to me?"

Had she been speaking? He looked at Misa with benign eyes, and recalled something about breakfast. "It is ok to order anything you would like."

"But the Belgian waffles are huge. I really want them, but it would be a shame to let so much go to waste..."

"Just order them. I'm sure Ryuuzaki wouldn't mind finishing them as long as there was enough syrup for them to drown in." Light's back tensed as he invoked the name. They had not spoken since the night before. In fact, when L had ordered him out of the room, he couldn't bring himself to go back in, even to sleep. Luckily for him, the couch had not been horribly uncomfortable.

"That would be fine as long as you request a second plate."

Light could hear, under the pleasantness, L's annoyance with the suggestion. Despite the dark-haired detective's protests to the contrary, he harbored an avid dislike for Misa. He was also very particular with regards to his food, and the thought of sharing off of the same plate as someone else would likely set him into convulsions of disgust.

_Ironic then, isn't it, that he shared food with me back in the beginning?_

The map of L's feelings was spread clearly before Light. So many signs that he could look back upon and acknowledge. But it did him no good. He had broken the other's trust, and now pride was the roadblock between them. _Pride. It is as large a force within L as it is within myself. What I did to him...would I not react the same? Would I not sacrifice everything else before my pride?_

L made his way over to Misa's side to peer at the menu. "Gourmet blueberry syrup," he read, rolling the concept on his tongue. "Order four servings of that, two chocolate muffins and a pot of black coffee with a triple quantity of creamer and a half pound of sugar cubes on the side."

"Whaa??" Misa recoiled.

"Oh, well, I'm not feeling very hungry this morning." He glanced at Light briefly, just enough to lay blame and dismiss him, then he shuffled back over to the couch to continue his game of Sudoku.

Misa's head turned to follow him. "You want _me_ to order? But I'm not--"

"It'll be fine," L said, waving a hand at her, which was all they could see of him over the back of the couch as he reclined. "It is charged to the room, so it doesn't matter who places the call. Light, give her your order."

Light knew L did not want him placing the call. The detective did not want to give him access to an outside line. It was an empty precaution. The phone had been in place next to the couch last night. Usually L was very careful to keep it unplugged, and out of Light's reach. Did L somehow still trust him? Or had he merely arranged for calls from this room to not go through to the outside world? The attempt would have been recorded, however. Yes, that made more sense. It was a test. L was giving him ample opportunity to hang himself with an attempt to escape.

"Is there anything healthy in there?" Light indicated the menu. "I'd hate to see the effects Ryuuzaki's taste in food would have on me, if his own appearance is anything to go by," he joked, in an oblique attempt to incite the other boy into acknowledging him.

Misa giggled and offered him a better view of the selections. Light skimmed them but was focused on L. He could feel a reaction taking place over there.

"God forbid if your appearance was anything less than perfect," L remarked blithely from the couch.

Light frowned. "Are you implying something, Ryuuzaki?"

"Yes, I do believe I'm calling you vain."

Light bristled. _Vain??_ Sure, he cared about how he looked, but was that not taking it a bit far?

"Hey now, Ryuuzaki," Misa stepped in, "my Light is not vain! He can't help that he is attractive."

The pages of the Sudoku book rustled as L moved on to the next puzzle. "Vain," he repeated off-handedly, not bothering to provide examples for something he implied was so obvious. "Oh, and conceited. But that's stating the obvious, is it not?"

"He is not!" Misa snapped. "Light is wonderful, and you know it!"

L poked his head up over the couch. "Do I?" he asked drolly. "Why would I have cause to think such a thing? You only believe it because you're blinded by your infatuation."

Misa huffed with indignation.

Light's gaze lingered on the other boy. L was, for the first time that Light could recall, wearing something other than his standard, low-neck white top. He'd had to don a shirt with a high enough neck to cover his bite-bruised skin.

It was a simple black turtleneck, something Light would tend to wear, but it looked strangely appealing against L's white skin and blended with his unruly, spiked hair. L had formed the habit of tugging distractedly at the high neck with his finger. He also seemed unused to the generally tighter fit of the garment, as compared to his usual baggy attire, which made him fidget self-consciously.

It was... endearing.

And Light could not shake the impression, nor the urge to be close to the other boy and crush him in an embrace and bury his face against soft, black, shampoo-scented hair. Even if L was being inordinately difficult at the moment.

"I AM NOT INFATUATED, I AM IN **LOVE**!"

"Misa, don't get angry," Light said diplomatically, "you know he's only teasing you."

She gave him a skeptical look. "Are you sure? He sounds serious to me."

"Ryuuzaki is a fan of deadpan humor. He's really rather good at it, which is why you can't tell that he's joking."

"Eeeh?" She glanced over at the couch with interest, but L had gone back to his puzzles.

"Misa, I'll have the egg croissant and the melon fruit cup." Light brought her back to the task at hand. "But you should order a second pot of coffee. Ryuuzaki can drink an entire one by himself."

"Awww, so he wasn't kidding about me ordering?" she whined.

Light conjured a believable smile. "Of course not. He probably figured that with your cute voice placing the order rather than one of us, we would get our meal much faster."

She blushed. "But your voice is so much nicer, I think that they would certainly..."

"Nonsense. All of the kitchen staff that have answered the phones thus far have been men."

"Still..." She glanced cagily at the couch. _You were able to seduce Ryuuzaki_, she mouthed. She paused. _Though he doesn't seem to like you very much right now._

Light just maintained the smile and showed her to the phone.

It was on an end table next to the couch, so he got a good view of L reclining, his baggy pants riding low on his hips and exposing a strip of his midsection. The shirt clung to him, innocently showing off his body which was actually quite striking when it was not buried beneath excessive amounts of drab material. Peeking out from the bottom edge of the shirt was ruddy blush of a new bruise. A thrill echoed through Light as he remembered marking that skin, feeling tender flesh beneath his teeth and holding L's body down as it bowed beneath his attentions...

Dark eyes awakened him with their staring.

Light wet his lips nervously, certain that they knew the track of his thoughts. They regarded him steadily, but he could not determine anything from their black depths. He merely had the sensation of falling, with guilt riding him hard, and shame - that he could be so sick as to relive with fierce desire what was essentially the raping of the person closest to him.

_But you did not hate it, Ryuuzaki, not entirely._

_If you had, you would not have responded so strongly to my touch..._

Misa's voice on the phone was but a buzzing in the background. Her back was turned to them as she rattled off their order. She was unaware of the sudden stillness between them, the tension borne of their locked gazes.

_I'm just justifying myself, aren't I? That's what you hate, isn't it? The way I skirt accountability almost reflexively. You want me to suffer for my actions. You want me to feel regret. You want apologies, explanations._

_But how can I give you that when half of me wants to do it all over again?_

It seemed as if one of them would speak - one of them would surely be forced to break the ruinous silence as it coiled about them and squeezed.

_Ryuuzaki..._

"All done!" Misa announced cheerfully.

Her voice shattered the filaments stretching between them, the building necessity of achieving a resolution, whatever that might be.

The broken connection flashed white hot in Light's face, temporarily blinding him with anger. ((Not all dead yet, are we?)) He crushed his outward reactions with a steel fist, scrabbling to banish any evidence of their existence. He knew, before he could see L's face again, that the detective had witnessed it all. He hadn't been fast enough to mask it.

It seared his stomach; watching the piqued interest in those eyes fade as they become flat and lifeless again, dismissing him.

Above all else, he could not abide being ignored.

Inevitably, that was L's way of dealing with him when he was displeased or angered to a great extent. This silence reflected the dissonance between them much more than heated words could. Lack of communication heralded the decay of their interaction.

The very thought made Light feel panicked.

_Had I actually assumed that we would always orbit each other? That either of us could withstand anything the other chose to inflict? That our similarities would bind us past our differences?_

_What do you need from me? Would an apology really suffice?_

_'I'm sorry I hurt you enough that you would consider throwing me away'?_

_'I'm sorry I made you hate me'?_

_Ryuuzaki..._The name was tearing a hole in his chest with the intensity in which he spoke it in his mind, and with the lack of being heard, and the lack of being watched with those endlessly black eyes. His chest was a cage for those burning syllables.

"Misa," L said, "remind me again when the second Kira is expecting you to return? We wouldn't want them to think we were holding you against your will."

"Ummm, not for a few hours still." She gave L an assessing Look. "Why? Are you trying to get rid of me?"

The dark-haired detective smiled at her. "Of course not." She did not look convinced. "In fact, I have a few questions for you. Who is Rem, and who is the person you were in contact with yesterday before and during our meeting?"

She gaped at him like a fish, her little mouth forming an 'O' of surprise that made Light want to shake her until some sort of sense fell into her brain. She doubly fouled by glancing his way before trying to answer.

Dropping hints to L to try and keep himself alive was one thing. Being exposed on all accounts by Misa's thoughtless reactions, giving L more excuses to lock him up forever or have him killed was quite another. Not only that - the more L knew, the closer he would be to discovering Ryuuk. He cringed. _That thing..._He did not want to die by its hand.

"Surely you could tell from the camera feed that Rem is a good friend of Misa's?" L would have undoubtedly already watched the exchange, but it was good to get that out in the open.

"If I want your input, _Yagami_, I will ask for it," L rebuked him. _I don't need your lies_, he was saying. "Right now, however, I do believe my questions were addressed to Amane-san."

"He's right, though," Misa said, ducking her head. "Rem is one of my best friends. Light met her before... before you made everyone think he was dead."

"Aren't you jealous?" L queried.

"Huh? Of Rem? Why?" Misa's brows drew together in confusion.

"For the simple fact that Light is showing interest in the relationship status of another girl. Aren't you afraid he will cheat on you or leave you for your friend?"

"Pfftt!" She laughed. "No, I'm not."

Light urged her mentally to add something, anything to derail L's train of thought. Couldn't she see where he was taking this???

"Amane-san always struck me as the jealous type," L reflected. "Could it be that the reason you are not so regarding Rem is because Rem is not human, and therefore is not perceived as competition?"

Light almost smacked himself in the forehead. Almost.

"Er... what?" Misa laughed nervously. "You're weird, Ryuuzaki. I'm not jealous because I _trust_ him."

"Hmm..." L said, getting up and starting to pace tight circles in front of the couch. "You say you trust him, and yet your first conclusion upon meeting with Light again was to suspect he had been unfaithful and had used seduction as a means to avoid being put to death."

"H-How do you know about that?" She whipped her gaze onto Light, startled.

Her eyes were wide with the need to understand how the detective was aware of the details of their private conversation. Light merely shrugged and shook his head. He could hardly explain to her that his loyalties had always lain with the other boy instead of with her.

"Amane-san, who were you in contact with yesterday?"

Blonde hair swung as she turned to face L. "A friend."

L stopped pacing and ghosted up to her. "Who is this friend? What is their name? Their gender?"

She rapidly shook her head back and forth.

"The second Kira then," L concluded. "Where you aware, Amane-san, that your 'boyfriend' has been in contact with this person?"

Light felt his surprise wash through his body like a brisk, balmy wind. _I knew he would check the phone again. This is only to be expected..._But it _was_ unexpected for L to trot out this information in his interrogation of Misa.

"And for what reason would the second Kira have a prolonged conversation with Light? Do you really believe the second Kira to be trustworthy, Amane-san? If they could make contact with the original Kira, don't you think they might cease to have a need for you?"

The girl stuttered uselessly.

"Perhaps you would like to tell me, Yagami-kun? What the second Kira is like?" Midnight eyes swiveled to gaze upon him. Light felt his chest constrict. Even in this situation, he could not look into those eyes or upon that face without seeing it blindfolded and flushed, without hearing the echoes of his cries.

Regret, was it? Was that the name of this stabbing pain that slid within his breast upon considering his loss of the other boy? It was crushing... But it also made him want to bring the detective back under his control, forcefully if need be, so long as he could have him._ Oh, this side of me that you bring out, Ryuuzaki... I look at you now, so superior as you work, so logical, and it makes me want to drag you down to my level, to debase and defame you. I want to crush your mouth to mine and feel you struggle against me with every fiber of your body, knowing that eventually you'll still lose to me. _

Light ignored L, addressing Misa instead. It was a safer alternative. "I... must apologize to you..." He took her hands in his. "When Ryuuzaki left your phone unattended, I-" He broke off, stirring the drama of the performance and breathing life into it. "I couldn't help myself... and I... breached your privacy by going through your call log-"

"Light... you were jealous?" Misa's blue-grey eyes brimmed with shining hope. Here was the flicker of caring she had attributed to him and had been chasing the shadow of all this time. She was too easy to play like a fool. Too easy. Too trusting. Too simple and stupid. It was piteous.

"I just kept wondering who you'd been talking to since I was gone," he fabricated. "When I saw a call placed near the time when you had met with Ryuuzaki, I thought perhaps you had found someone new."

"Oh, Light, even if years had passed, you'd be the only one I'd think of." Her eyes brimmed more effusively as she pled the contents of her heart so openly. "You're everything to me. I could never be with anyone else."

Ryuuzaki's gaze on him burned. It stirred guilt in the pool of his apathy towards the girl. It accused him wordlessly of being the terrible human being that he was. It told him so clearly how heartless and wretched he was, how despicable.

The underpinnings of Light's sense of self were loosening, shifting within his self-worth. Morbidly, he wanted to become all of what Ryuuzaki was expecting of him and more, to truly earn the slanderous titles he was being named by. Light opened his arms to the girl, welcoming her into his cold, empty embrace, and folded them around her small body as she shook with emotion. Her head bowed under his chin. Only then did he seek out the detective's eyes, locking onto them with an intensity fueled of the swarming darkness of his soul. Those beautiful, dismal eyes that accused him of being the devil. _I love you_, he mouthed with lurid humor, feeling too out of his head to resist the impulse to see the look on L's face.

* * *

TBC

**A/N:** Oh, Light... :/

**A/N 2: **I know I said way back a gazillion chapters ago that I thought the fic would end in another few... (blame Light's sudden MPD issues for that mis-claim!) BUT, this time, for real... the fic will end around chapter 30 or 31. 30 chapters is the plan, but if it becomes too massive for one chapter (an extra long one), I'll split it into 2.

I found fireballs at the store today!! My heart sings! :D


	28. Flowers to Ashes

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 28: Flowers to Ashes)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

**A/N:**Early update as I am getting ready for, and will be at all weekend, JACON. (yay!)

_Also:_ I started work on a new Death Note fic called PITCH (and a new Naruto fic as well), which I will be posting soon. Keep an eye out! Oh, and neither of these new stories will interfere with updates on aBfSF. :)

**A/N 2:** Some of you anonymous reviewers are killing me in that I can't reply back to you (since you don't have accounts)! Especially "?". You know I luv u, right?? Send me your email addys or something! (or not... maybe that is strange of me to even think of?)

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the next installment of DramaNote! XD

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 28:

The public park was a vibrant green, only just beginning to be tinged with the heavy gold of the waning sun. Perfectly manicured grass swept the area and edged the lone sandbox and jungle gym that were currently vacant.

Ryuuk flapped his powerful wings, alighting skillfully in the boughs of a large shade tree. Rem was waiting for him.

The only human voices to be heard were those in the red brick apartment buildings that lay on the south side of the park. From their aptly positioned perch, a mere 10 feet away, Ryuuk could see into several of the windows. He supposed the tree was originally intended to provide a bit of privacy, though now it had quite the opposite effect. _Heh.__Humans._

"You rang?" the male Shinigami asked jovially.

"Idiot," the female muttered. She shook her head in the attempt to recompose herself. "I want your opinion on the state of things."

"Mine?" he grinned. "To what do I owe this honor, O Spongy One?"

"I am not spongy!" Rem hissed. "_Blithering idiot._ Where do you come up with these asinine notions?"

Ryuuk cackled in her face, knowing it would set her off more than anything else. And it did, but she contained herself in the pursuit of getting what she wanted. He ruffled his wings contentedly. "So, what do you want?"

Reluctantly, she said, "What do you think of Mikami Teru?"

"The human with the glasses?"

Rem nodded.

Ryuuk scratched his face with the tip of a taloned finger. "Hmmmmn." Rem probably wanted to know if _that_ human was likely to kill _her_ human. How boring. From what he had seen though, the man seemed to harbor some sort of unhealthy obsession with Kira. It was infinitely amusing. The human often spent long periods of time gazing at the photograph he had of Light. Sometimes he even spoke to it. It was a riot.

"Well?" the white Shinigami prompted him impatiently.

Ryuuk ignored Rem's sense of urgency and pondered the matter with leisure. The Teru human was probably very likely to try and get rid of Rem's human. Not a big loss, since the girl was so boring. He much preferred watching the dark plotting of the attorney, and certainly enjoyed the effect the older man was beginning to have on the already strained relationship between Light and the detective. It would really be a shame to miss seeing all of that play out. They were all such great fun!

"Well..." Ryuuk drawled. _I happen to like him. But if I tell you that, you're sure to get rid of him._ "I think that human is a good Kira. He is smart enough not to get caught. Anyone else and you run the risk of Misa being singled out again." Ryuuk paused. "L really believes she is guilty," he added helpfully.

"He doesn't seem... unreliable to you?"

Ryuuk scoffed at her, shaking the branch with his riotous laughter. "_Of course_ he does. He's a human. They're _all_ unreliable." He chortled, "And you call **me** an idiot!"

Rem's eyes narrowed and she launched an apple, Ryuuk's standard reward for being somewhat cooperative, at his head. (She seemed to be feeling cantankerous all of a sudden.)

"Much obliged," he said, cackling again as he leapt into the air.

---

"Hey, Light," Ryuuk called as he morphed through the ceiling of the hotel room his human was currently residing in. "Liiiight."

The brunette flicked his eyes towards the Shinigami to acknowledge its presence. His face was set in a slight frown and he did not appear all that happy to see him, nor did he seem predisposed to conversation.

"I was thinking," Ryuuk said, scratching his head.

"Oooh?" Light said softly, not looking up from the book he was reading. "That must have been excruciating for you."

"Where's what's-his-face?"

"You know his name."

Ryuuk made a few laps of the room, contemplating his human's seemingly dour and combative constitution. "Why are you in such a bad mood?" Ryuuk floated upside down and drifted in front of the brunette's face. It was an appealing one, for a human.

Light glared at him. "_Must_ you even ask that?"

Ryuuk cackled and grinned like a jack-o-lantern. He loved getting a rise out of the boy, even if it was unintentional. "I guess not. I was just making conversation before getting to the point."

"Well, there is no need," Light said waspishly, his exasperation growing more potent by the second.

"It is what you humans call courteous, right?" Ryuuk feigned ignorance, reveling in how singularly annoyed the statement was sure to make the brunette. Provocation was such fun!

"It's tiresome, to say the least," Light snapped, "especially when done by something like you."

His human was kind of cute when he bristled with anger, Ryuuk thought. "Sometimes you make me wish I were a human," he said candidly. It was a shame Shinigami were mostly incorporeal...

"What the hell for?!"

"I think I like you."

"That's appalling." Light looked well and truly horrified.

_Oh, well. _"And impossible," Ryuuk yawned. Actually, he'd heard it had been done before. But... it probably wouldn't work out. "Anyway, because I like you, I decided to give you my opinion on something. It might help you out."

"What makes you think I need or even want your help?"

Ryuuk grinned. "Because I have been watching you for a long time, and it is obvious that you're fucking everything up."

"..." Light looked extremely annoyed. "Fine," he ground out. "I'm listening."

"Have you considered giving up ownership of the Death Note?"

The brunette gave up any pretense of reading, and closed the book. He sighed. "To what purpose? It won't change the fact that I am the original owner."

"No, but it might absolve you in L's eyes if you revert back to the innocent 'you' that knew nothing about being Kira."

Light's amber eyes studied him speculatively. "What would you get out of that?"

"I want to possess L." Ryuuk suspected the detective would be even more fun to irritate. "Besides, with how stubborn he is, he may kill you out of some stupid human sense of pride if you don't do it before the ultimatum he gave you. How boring would that be?" _Yeah, if I possess L, Light will still be around as well. Double the fun!_

Ryuuk didn't bother to mention the conflict L would suffer with this scenario. It would be delightful. Though Light would probably think otherwise.

"If I gave it up, you could bring it here..." Light said to himself. "If I am not the owner, you could transport it freely." He looked up at the Shinigami. "I thought you wanted to be kept a secret from him, Ryuuk?"

"Only if you were the owner."

Light frowned. "I probably don't want to know the reason for that."

_Hee hee_, Ryuuk laughed to himself. _Quite right, my little human. But rest assured, it is all to keep me entertained. _"No, but it may interest you to know the other reason for my suggestion."

"Which is?"

"The human that you know as the second Kira... He seems to be the jealous and possessive type."

"So?" Light said impatiently. "Would you mind getting to the point?"

"He appears to idolize you, and I think he knows L's name."

Light started to look cagey. "Rem knows that if L dies, I'll kill Misa. There is no problem there."

"Can you trust Rem to watch over that human every moment? And what if there were no Misa around for you to kill? I told you, he is a very jealous man. All of a sudden, L is looking very disposable, isn't he?"

Light rubbed the bridge of his nose in frustration. "If L owned the Death Note, it wouldn't keep him protected," he pointed out. "The second Kira would already have his name."

"Oh, I guess you're right."

"I would need to contact him and tell him L is not to be killed, but how would I justify such an odd request? Why would Kira wish to keep his captor alive? If anything, that may encourage him to kill L so that I will be free. Then he would be at liberty to meet me, as he wanted."

Ryuuk laughed. _That's not all he wants to do to you, Light._ "Aren't you going to ask me what his name is?"

"There is no point. You wouldn't tell me even if you knew."

---

Light rested his hands over his eyes as he lay back on the bed again after the Shinigami left him. It was exhausting to deal with Ryuuk, and try to keep things from the cameras. He was certain he was already slipping up in that regard, but then L was surely doing the same. This much pressure was bound to have an affect on one's mind, regardless of the caliber. He wondered how diligently L had been checking the videos of this room, if he'd been doing it at all.

_'And what if there were no Misa around for you to kill?'_, Ryuuk's words drifted back to him. '_L is looking very disposable, isn't he?_'

Light groaned under his breath. If the second Kira killed Misa, that would be beneficial to him. That she knew he was alive was a severe problem. _However, Rem would kill me if that were to happen. Unless... _

Unless the second Kira was clever enough to arrange her death without the help of the Death Note. In that case, the white Shinigami would have no cause to write Light's name down, or the second Kira's. That would leave a ghost free for L to chase, at least.

But if the second Kira knew L's name, L could be wiped out at any time.

Light ground his teeth. There had to be a way. He just hadn't determined it yet.

Most importantly, he had get the Death Note away from the second Kira. That was the only way to protect L. Second to that was Misa's extermination, which would protect him. And third to that would be a Kira aside from himself for L and others to pursue. That was the inflexible state of his priorities, though they all felt equally crucial.

If only he could contact his disciple... and he needed to do it directly. In person would be preferable; he had no doubt that he could convince the man to give up the notebook 'temporarily' for him, especially if his 'servant' harbored the sort of feelings for him that Ryuuk was implying. But without the man's name, he was at a loss for options.

Was there a way to accomplish it around L?

Misa could report the room number and hotel to the man, providing she hadn't been blindfolded...

...which she probably had been. _Damn it._ Even if he were to get the man to meet him here, they ran the risk of L being present or intruding. Not to mention that Light would have no way to open the door to admit the man, nor leave the room himself. He was locked in tight, as always. The only avenue of communication was an out-of-reach cell phone that would be leaving with Misa shortly, L's carefully guarded laptop (not an option), and the hotel room's service-only phone.

---

Mikami listened to the ramblings of the blonde girl in front of him, sifting for useful information.

It had only been prudent to meet up at a public place, prearranged. The bistro was dimly lit, as was his preference. He really disliked the harsh glare of overhead lights, especially fluorescents. They had a way of making everything looks so ugly, garish, and immediate. He had his fill of it at work, when not in the sanctity of his office, so he refused to endure it elsewhere when given the option.

"And then, Light..." her voice sped on, heedless of whether or not he was actively listening. She merely assumed that he was. He did make all of the appropriate noises and encouragements for her to continue, after all. He couldn't guess at what tiny scrap of information might prove priceless, so he would hear it all. _Furthermore_, he thought, sipping the smooth blend of his cafe au lait,_ I will remain impartial while she speaks of_ him. It wouldn't do to be anything but; anger had no place in work such as this. He knew that from professional experience. But still...

_Yagami Light._

His heart had shuddered with joy when God's voice had graced his ears. He'd had a feeling when he'd answered his phone that time that it was _him_. Still, he had been nearly blinded by euphoria to hear that gilded voice speak, to place tone and cadence with the lovely face of his lord and master.

Even now, the effect lingered; but slowly creeping in was an anxious sort of impatience. He wanted more. He wanted to experience God in the flesh, to piece together the image of _him_ with all of his five senses.

Misa was describing in detail the meals that she had shared with Light, down to the specifics of what was ordered and when. Trivialities, to be sure, but... perhaps they were more useful than he would have thought originally - perhaps he could track down the room if he could gain access to the hotel's room service records. Misa had been disallowed knowledge of the room number that Yagami Light was being held within, though she could relate the fact that he could not leave and had a watchdog named Ryuuzaki.

What was odd was Misa's mentions of this Ryuuzaki. She seemed to think it was essential that he not be killed - that it would not only fail to liberate Light, but would in fact make things more troublesome for him. All of this, and yet she seemed to harbor a deep dislike of him, though she refrained from further elaboration.

He stirred his drink contemplatively.

He would just as soon eliminate any obstacles... but if it was God's will that Mikami not take the life of the suspiciously named L Lawliet, a.k.a. Ryuuzaki... so be it. He lived to serve.

---

L stared at several screens, in the bosom of headquarter's activity, not really seeing them as he mulled over his troubled thoughts.

The second Kira had unleashed his judgment upon such a massive number of criminals, in such a short amount of time, it almost seemed done in some sort of religious fervor. It coincided with Misa's visitation, but also with the call that had occurred with the use of her phone, in Light's hands. In fact, the timing of it did suggest that Light had given orders to the second Kira. Though it was odd that females, especially those with light coloring, were being targeted almost exclusively. The men, as before, were chosen in accordance to the nature and severity of their crimes.

"Ryuuzaki, here's another one."

Mogi held out a copied coroner's report, which L accepted from the burly man. Another blonde girl, early thirties, although the picture in which she was still alive promised her to be in her mid twenties. She had apparently tried to stab out her own throat before throwing herself off of a bridge. As it happened, a concerned bystander intervened and overpowered her, at which point she died of a sudden heart attack.

The report also stated that she had seemed very happy and well-adjusted, having been out of prison for the last 8 years. She had aided in the embezzlement of funds from a large company, and then poisoned the man who helped her do it. The widow, mother of two, had been devastated to learn of her husband's death as well as the affair.

It was as L expected... physical appearance was driving the death of the women, a new pattern, while the men were more typical of the second Kira's previous movements.

"Mogi-san, contact the authorities and tell them to refrain from announcements of female criminals, especially those with light or blonde colored hair." Though it could not be helped that Kira was targeting older cases, they could at least set up this one roadblock. "If they ask too many questions, forward them directly to me."

Mogi nodded and set off to do as requested, determination stiffening his purposeful stride.

"Matsudaaa," L called out drolly over his shoulder, selecting a chocolate iced donut off of his snack tray. Just looking at the mountain of confectioneries and deserts was enough to make one keel over in hyperglycemic shock, but it just made L hungry. And thirsty. He took an enormous bite and scrolled through some of the more recent data as he chewed.

"Yes, Ryuuzaki?" Matsuda piped up sullenly.

L regarded the man for a moment, debating on his usefulness. He finished chewing and swallowed the bite of chocolate heaven. "Get me a coffee, would you?"

Matsuda sputtered indignantly as L turned back to his screens. He ignored the man's flailings, and eventually he heard the sounds of him stalking off in the pursuit of java. Matsuda's temper was probably not improved because of the fact that the last time he had tried to give L coffee brewed in the hotel coffee pot, L had refused to even take the cup, insisting that the local shop around the corner was the only _real_ coffee to be had. That it had also been raining at the time was not L's fault, he thought. Though he had been amused by the sight of the sopping wet man when he returned. It was a shame the coffee had not stayed warm for the duration. He'd had to abandon the hard-won cup after only a few sips.

Really, he could have managed, but Matsuda just irritated him for some reason. "Make sure it is hot this time, Matsuda," he called after his gofer.

He thought he heard an indignant squawk issue forth from the fluffy-haired man, but didn't trouble himself over it.

((You don't like him because he likes Light.))

L took another bite of donut and told his inner voice to shut the hell up. _Light is 'dead' anyway, so it would never happen._

((And he blames you for killing Light, the object of his puppy-love and adoration, and for ruining his chances.))

_Oh please, he's not good enough for Light._

((And you are?))

L dropped his half-eaten donut back at the base of the mountain of sweets, and wiped his hands angrily. _Good enough to rape, and then claim that he loves me while holding someone else? Sure. I bet that for__** him**__ that may constitute favor!_

That moment had hit him like a stake through the heart. Light's eyes had met his over the head of an emotionally overwrought Misa, the girl he held with such convincing tenderness, yet his gaze said he would just as soon kill the trusting form in his arms. The cold expression had darkened and flared into something else in response to L's disapproving look. And then Light had mouthed those mocking words with curving lips while his eyes caged L with steel claws and dangerous promises. All of the other boy's indiscretions towards him had breathed with life within the weight of that look and had supplemented the slowly formed, ghastly syllables that left his lips.

_'I love you.'_

L shuddered, his skin growing suddenly cold. Horrifying. Could that be the source of Light's recently irrational behavior and the odd way he had been acting since... the incident? Surely Light was adhering to some unconventional moral code with his silence, his non-communicativeness, and his unwillingness to apologize for his actions? Did he truly feel regret, and think that to say he was sorry was meaningless?

But _love_?? Was it really possible for someone to brutally rape someone they professed to love? Was that not at odds?

And that look... there had been no regret in that look as he'd said those blasphemous words. It was hunger there within them, not regret, and the desire to do such things again. '_**Because **__I love you'_, he'd seemed to say, smugly awaiting L's reaction. Challenging him with that horribly twisted notion.

_Maybe he was lying. He was using my own feelings to mock me._

But he'd caught the tail end of an appreciative look when Light had glimpsed bruise-marked skin. And it wasn't Kira he saw in those amber eyes. It was the honest, unscripted proclivity that _Yagami Light_ seemed to have for hurting and dominating him, present in the parting of his sensuous lips and the glazed and yearning look in his eyes.

It terrified him.

And yet amidst his outrage, he'd felt it: a tiny flicker of response, proof that some part of him was as sick as the other boy appeared to be.

_God help me._

He was afraid to go back to that room. Afraid to deal with his pain and confusion and to share the same air as the brunette, the source of it all. His feelings for the boy turned inward like sharp daggers, making breathing a chore. If only Light had never been tainted with the Death Note... would he have been capable of caring like a normal person?

L huddled in his chair. Even the social tension and awkwardness that was typical of headquarters paled to the atmosphere that suffused any space that Light inhabited, and was preferable. He was afraid to go back - unsure if Light would be dealing him that silence or the more cutting blades of his smiling mockery. His stomach somersaulted jerkily at the other concern - that Light would overcome his reticence and force another encounter like the last one.

L reached into his pocket, and touched the hard edge of the taser. _If need be,_ he thought. _I will not be caught like that again._

How nostalgic, that the last time he had used it, he had hovered over Light's prone body with the intent to comfort and preserve him. He had touched that beautiful face and felt dead inside at the thought of losing the other boy. What an eternity ago that seemed now.

What had happened to the boy that bridled at the thought of his mistrust? Why had he been replaced with a boy that thought nothing of shattering such, even against desperate pleading?

_I thought that with Kira fading back into the fabric of your soul, you would become stable, less dangerous..._

_Perhaps... I was wrong._

---

Light lay on the suite's couch, finding it unpleasant to spend much time in the bedroom he'd shared with Ryuuzaki. Too many images flitted through and accosted his mind. Echoes of harsh words, echoes of pleasure. It was too raw and all-consuming. It was easier to remain in the common area.

Over the coming days, Light thought more and more on Ryuuk's suggestion.

If he gave up the Death Note, Kira's existence within himself would be erased, and along with it, this sick, perverse craving.... this destructive desire that was pushing Ryuuzaki further and further from his reach.

But before that, before he lost all knowledge of the notebooks and the Shinigami, he had to ensure that L was reasonably safe, and--

The click of the suite's lock being slid aside startled Light from his musings. It was days since he had heard that noise... not the noise itself, but with that heavy presence on the other side. L was finally coming to him, Light sensed with nervous excitement. He had no idea what to expect, but the detective's absence had been eating away at him.

The door swung open, and Light knew immediately that something was wrong. He stood as L strode into the room, and stared into L's wide, black eyes.

"Light..." the dark-haired detective said urgently, holding his gaze without the difficulty of the last time they'd looked upon each other, "Amane Misa is... dead."

Light blinked at him, his mind becoming still.

"Did you hear me?" L took several paces forward. His eyes were touched with a ghosting of desperation. He was staring at Light as if he could pry him open and step inside. He was hunting for a reaction. For humanity. "Amane is dead."

Light turned from him and sank back onto the couch blankly.

He hadn't expected this so soon.

_'I'll be in touch.'_

How did the second Kira expect to do that if he had prematurely erased the only link he had with the original Kira?

What could this mean?

Or was it possible L was lying to him in order to glean something from him?

He raised his eyes to find L standing before him, regarding him with that solemn gaze. There was a sense of equality between them that had been in constant flux for some time, but had just now seemed to crystallize and hold its form. So many things felt stripped away, all of the things convoluting their relationship...their struggles for the upper hand... their fights... the intimacy that was building up a wall between them as surely as concrete blocks... and Kira... All of those layers had been peeled back to reveal the core of what they were and what pulled them together.

"Is that true?" Light asked his other half, knowing that it was so.

Right now, there were no lies between them. L felt so distinctly himself in that moment, so strong, so intelligent, almost a force of nature - containing such fierce emotions behind his calm reserve. It was... humbling.

"It is."

Light looked down. "Will you share the circumstances?" he asked quietly.

"Would you like to offer any theories?"

He sighed. L was challenging him on his curiosity. He was right in that the girl's death did not mean much to him personally, although the news had surprised him. "She did not die of a heart attack." He didn't dare incriminate the second Kira directly. If Rem was looking into this, as he knew she would be, he couldn't trust that he would be aware of her presence if and when she came to investigate. The Shinigami would stay hidden, and retribution would be swift.

"Correct. And why, do you suppose?"

"It was not the second Kira."

L's face loomed in front of him. "How can you be so certain? We already know that Kira can control the mode of death."

Light felt his palms begin to sweat as he bore up under that penetrating stare. It had been so long since the other boy had been this close to him.

"Light," the detective implored him, his gaze steely. Light jumped slightly as a hand touched his face. It brushed the curve of his cheekbone in a facsimile of tenderness that set Light's heart to fluttering like a caged bird. "Tell me what you know."

_I can't lie to him_, Light thought helplessly. He didn't want to shatter the tentative truce between them with such a thing. "Ryuuzaki-" His voice hitched slightly as L's bite-roughened thumb caressed his face. The subtle touches were playing havoc with his mind, calling forth bittersweet emotions that were no less than agonizing. "The second Kira would have had no reason to do it."

_...Damn it_, he thought suddenly as he realized what L could infer from even that ambiguous statement.

"No?" L asked softly, drifting closer. Light's hands clenched at his sides as he felt the other boy's breath upon his lips and his mind began to cloud over with the desperate need to kiss him. "Are you telling me that Misa bequeathed Kira's power upon the second Kira? That he owes her for that?"

Light concentrated very hard on disallowing his head to move even the barest fraction of an inch.

_It was okay if L figured that out... Misa was dead and could not be brought to trial for her crimes._ "Yes," he replied with difficulty. "Also, the Shinigami saw Misa as the true owner of that notebook, and would have killed the second Kira for attempting her murder. Misa's name written on the pages would be proof enough."

"You seem to have thought a lot about this." L's lips brushed his, and he nearly shuddered from the sharp stab of pleasure that radiated through his abdomen.

"It's... common sense," he breathed out. _Dammit! Not like this. I can tell he's only toying with me. It's an interrogation, that's all it is._

L leaned back a little, calmly dissecting him. "This is the first time I've seen you so honest. Why the change of heart?"

Light clenched his teeth. _So you're considering what I said before, are you? Trying to determine if my admission was a lie? Unfortunately, I'll not oblige you._

"Do you miss touching me, Light-kun?" L said with soft derision. By touching, he meant hurting. Always these references to that incident. "Is absence all it takes to make you grow cooperative?"

The taunt hit too close to home.

Light's entire body tensed with his surge of anger. It was white-hot and chaotic. _How dare you mock me!_ "I--" He was unprepared for the sudden press of lips against his, or the tongue slipping past his parted lips to stroke him so intimately. His anger crumpled and staggered, maimed by the sudden onslaught of other emotions pushing to the fore. Confusion, desire, distrust.

He tried not to kiss back - tried not to feed into whatever L was up to, but the soft heat of L's mouth was maddening.

Light's skin was flushing, and his mind was tripping dangerously close to forbidden territory. Thoughts of possession, of running his hands over that pale body and whispering scandalous things into his captive ear, of being within the exquisite embrace of his fever-hot flesh...

It was fast overwhelming him.

Somehow, through flagging will and desperate necessity, he broke that kiss. "Ryuuzaki, please. I can't..." _I can't control myself._

"Do you think that you are in any position to make requests?" L said against his lips.

_I'll hurt you again._

The thought provoked both joy and dismay. Light closed his eyes, breathing hard against the heavy draw of that mouth. "No, I do not." He wanted L more than anything, he wanted L to override his act of consideration, to let this continue wherever it led. But at the expense of irreparable harm? A repeat of last time?

"Tell me one thing, and I'll leave you be."

Light nodded. L's voice was soft, but unyielding. He could feel those eye upon his face, branding him with their intensity.

"What about Amane's death bothers you?"

_The timing. That I have no assured way to keep you alive._ "She was my-"

"Be honest now, Light," L chided sharply, "I am gauging your worth to me."

Light glared up at L, hating the superior tone that had crept into his voice. "Fine, _**L**_," he said snidely. "The second Kira has your name." He gave the detective a moment for that to sink in. "While Misa was alive, you were relatively safe."

"How--"

"You should have sent someone else to meet Misa that day." Light felt much more at ease when he was able to talk down to the other boy. He was better able to push away the cloying emotions that had been drowning him mercilessly. "The second Kira was watching you, you fool."

L's widened eyes shifted to anger. "How was I supposed to know she had someone else?"

"You're _**you**_, you should have suspected it!"

"Well, maybe I wasn't thinking clearly," L retorted impotently. He stood, distancing himself from Light.

"That's no excuse for practically committing suicide!" Light jumped to his feet and spun L around. "You knew the second Kira could kill by face alone, so what _were_ you thinking?"

L wrenched his arm from Light's grasp. "I don't answer to you!" he bit out, and slammed his way out of the room, leaving a trail of crackling anger fizzling in the air.

Light slammed his fist into the nearby wall in frustration.

* * *

TBC

**A/N:** W-whut? Misa Misa is dead dead?! (author cackles evilly)

You all knew it was coming. Some of you may feel a bit sad, but most of you wanted it desperately. (hands flowers to the depressed and high-fives the rest.) The circumstances of her being snuffed out will become clearer later on.

---

I started the new fics so I could keep writing as I let the progression of this story steep in my mind. I haven't decided the ending with finality, and thus....roadblock. A roadblock differs from writer's block in that the ability to write and be creative is not hindered, merely a direction has yet to be decided upon.

The DN fic is going to be AU only in that there are no deathnotes. It will also be angst-ish and, of course, eventually yaoi. IT'S ALL I CAN WRITE! XD The Naruto fic will be more lighthearted and comedic in comparison, much like my previous fic for that series.


	29. And Then, There Were Two

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 29: And Then, There Were Two)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

**A/N:** Lots of things have been going on, the con being one of them. I will reply to everyone's comments shortly. ^^

Also, though I hate to admit this, I have been suffering from writer's block. It seems to be easing up, but if any future updates are late, this would be why. As you know, the next chapter is essentially written, it just needs polishing. I'll do my best to get out of this rut. Even so, I'll post PITCH, the new DN fic, and the Naruto fic (no name yet) this weekend, providing my beta has time for me. ;P

But for now, forget about that writer's block, downer sort of rubbish, and ENJOY.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 29:

L stalked down the hallway, away from the room in which Light was being kept. _What am I doing? _

_What am I__** doing**__?_

Watari was waiting for him, standing dutifully, patiently, to intercept him. Usually, the older man would merely call him, or catch him in his typically frequented areas if there were something he wished to discuss... This was unsettling.

"What is it, Watari?" he asked curtly as they stepped onto the elevator.

"Sir... I am sure you are aware of the pressure being put on us by The Board?"

"I am." And he didn't like it. Wammy House had changed for the worse. That the original founder could be treated in such a manner was outrageous. If it were up to L, he would find a way to get rid of them all and start anew. But his mentor was a very patient man... he was probably still hoping things might turn around.

"Have you come to a decision?"

"They distrust me that much?" L intoned. "Even though it is obvious the case was justly resurrected because of an _entirely different_ Kira than before?"

"Even so." Watari paused. "And I must confess my own doubts over similar matters remain ill at ease. I know this is not a simple situation for you to deal with, but-"

L leaned against the glass wall of the elevator and looked upon the sprawling expanse of the marble-floored lobby. It was a lavish setting - the gold accents of the grand staircase's railing and other fixtures caught the light and reflected it richly. The furniture, clustered in cozy semicircles and made of dark wood and plush fabric, in addition to the artfully designed scattering of large plants further enhanced the feel. The people down there milled about, as industrious as little ants and just as insignificant. "I have been distancing myself."

Watari looked vaguely embarrassed. "I know that the past several days you have hardly been in contact with him, as you have tasked me with bringing his meals; however, I thought you might just be engaged with the new developments of the current case..."

The ants were becoming bigger as the glass and mirror elevator sunk to the ground floor. L could now make out details of their hair, clothes, jewelry, and expressions. It made him want to put as much distance between himself and them as possible. They were foreign and so unlike himself. Even before they laid eyes on him, they were preprogrammed to dismiss him as an oddity... and to gawk at his unconventional appearance. People were instilled from birth to hate what they did not understand. He supposed he was no different - he did not fully understand them, and thus hated their presence _en masse_ - but without their consistently bad reactions to him, he was certain he would have felt rather ambivalent instead.

But the causality was unimportant.

The outcome was what held weight in reality, and the thought of getting inside of their tiny minds and trying to understand them made his skin crawl. They didn't even seem real half the time. Just empty heads and judging eyes. He rubbed his arms, folding them across his body.

"Sir?"

"I gave him a deadline, a chance to save himself if he so chooses. The time is almost at an end." _And the reality of that is that I still do not know what he will do. Light never ceases to surprise me._ His stomach turned unpleasantly. But even should the unpredictable brunette comply and give up the Death Note... even then, there were things L could not overlook. "You'll have a resolution soon enough," he said with finality. He'd been brooding over this, and needed to be absolved from anyone else's interference.

"And if he meets your demand? What are you going to do with him? You cannot keep him locked away like this forever..."

"I am aware of that."

The elevator reached the lobby and issued a soft chime as the doors slid open. L shoved his hands into his pockets and strode pointedly away from the man. Watari, however, chose to ignore the hint. "Ryuuzaki, you cannot afford to merely brush this off."

L stopped, scowling at the floor in dismay. He made himself take a breath and let it out again slowly before replying. "I may have done that in the past... but I assure you, I am neglecting no part of this situation. I have put more than enough thought into this. I'll say nothing more on the matter, other than to request you to withold your doubts from me for the remainder. It only serves to distract me and make me wonder why we are even working together if your faith in me is so fragile."

L paused for a brief moment, allowing the words to settle. They bore more gravity than he'd intended, yet they remained stubbornly suspended in the air between them. It couldn't be helped; what was done, was done, and it had needed to be said. "I'm going for a walk. Please leave me to it."

Watari said nothing.

---

"Liiiiiight," Ryuuk complained, "I'm bored."

"So go somewhere else," Light mumbled, trying desperately to sleep. This day needed to be over. Or he needed to become extremely intoxicated so as to dull the memory of it. Alcohol was not an option as he had no access, and the damn Shinigami was tearing his imminent unconsciousness to shreds. The onset of a very unpleasant mood was brewing.

"Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight."

"Ryuuk," he said through clenched teeth, "I know how dearly you love to annoy me, but today is not the day to persist in it." He rolled over on the couch abruptly, tucking the blanket tightly around him, praying to some higher power that he be left in peace.

The black-winged Shinigami, reclining in the air just over the couch, turned so he could hover nearly on top of the brunette. "Why not? As far as I can tell, this is a normal mood for you. If I waited for you to actually be happy, I'd be at the end of my collected years."

"Let. Me. Sleep!" Light growled. "And stop hovering over me, you damned vulture!" The Shinigami's closeness was always unnerving.

"Hey, Light, have you thought about my suggestion?"

The brunette made no reply other than to frown harder as he tried to will himself asleep, despite the distractions.

"Liiight," Ryuuk crooned annoyingly and poked him in the side.

"Touch me again," Light ground out, "and I swear I will become the most boring human you have ever known in your entire existence."

Ryuuk sagged. "I guess you are in a worse mood than usual..."

"_Yes, __**I am**_. And you're making me rethink letting you attach yourself to L. Why should I let you get what you want while you are unrepentantly driving me up the wall and keeping me from what **I** want?"

"Err..." The Shinigami scratched his head. "So you're gonna do it?"

Light threw his arm over his head and groaned. _Why me?_

He was startled when the phone behind the couch suddenly began to ring.

Light lifted his head. It was a staggered, pulsing ring, annoying in its insistence, and habit had the phone in Light's hand and up to his ear before he realized what he was doing. Habit bade him issue an exhaustion-thickened query into the receiver before he had a chance to wonder why it would be ringing in the first place.

"Room Service," said a vaguely familiar, velvety voice.

Sleep fled Light in a vaulted rush.

_Could it be...?_

"I didn't order anything," he said cautiously. _If it were that man..._ Light looked at the digital display and verified that the caller was registering as room service. Was he inside the hotel? Or had he found a way to trick the phone system?

"But you could," the voice suggested.

Light debated on what was safe to say, knowing the phone was tapped, and knowing that the longer this conversation was, the more suspect it became. He was also afraid the man who claimed to be a servant of Kira would not necessarily suspect the tap and would say something incriminating. "I don't usually take food in my room." Would the caller realize his unspoken message? Could he be counted on to grasp at the barely implied information?

However, that the man had called into this line meant he must have already discovered the room number and would likely count on the fact that Light would be receiving food and such necessities through a third party.

"I understand..." his servant replied in that voice. "It is rare for you to do so. But this is a courtesy call... We're here to serve your _every_ need."

The words chased themselves down Light's spine. He wondered how anyone listening to the playback of this would interpret a hotel employee who spoke with such a silky and suggestive tone. "I'm afraid the situation hasn't changed much, and room service and cleaning will rarely be required." It hasn't changed_ much_. _But yes, my industrious follower, it_ has _changed enough to bear mentioning._

"Towels?" the voice inquired.

Light smiled. Clever way to determine if he was essentially alone. "I would only need them for myself, but I will get them at my leisure, as usual."

"Ah, a bit of a shut-in, are you, sir?"

Light could almost hear the echoing smile in the caller's voice. "Perhaps," he said agreeably. Yes, this man was intelligent enough to be extremely useful. It had been all too easy to relay the specifics of his captivity: that he was confined to the room, was unable to admit anyone himself, and that he was provided for through someone else who - reasonably - also stayed at the hotel, as well as the fact that he was not currently under direct surveillance.

"Then, I will make a note of it so that future calls will not be necessary," the man said cordially.

Light wondered what the man had in mind - his tone implied future plans of action. Though he was pleased that his follower had managed to find a way to contact him, it was cripplingly limited. He wished that he could speak a little more freely, but wasn't surprised the man hadn't tried to nullify the tap. It would be too time-consuming to determine the type of tap L had used on this phone, and countermeasures were not assured of success. It was safer to play things this way.

"I appreciate you consulting me, but at the moment everything is as it should be. Continue as you were, and thank you. Your level of service is truly unparalleled." _Continue killing criminals as the second Kira, but do not disrupt things in my arena, I have it under control. _He didn't think it would hurt to offer praise as well - people reacted exceptionally well to that, and he needed this loose cannon under his thumb. _It is rather remarkable, what you are capable of. Even L missed the transition from Misa to yourself._

"Thank you for your kind words, sir," the voice sounded slightly breathless. "Rest well."

The line soon went dead. Approximately one minute and thirty seconds. Not bad. It was short enough not to draw too much attention, and their conversation had been innocuous enough. Light hung up the phone and put his hands behind his head as he lay back down.

Everything might have played out differently had Misa never come into the picture, and this man had been the second Kira to start...

But still, no one was to be trusted.

Misa had been easy because Light had had her feelings to hold over her.

This man... he did not know what motive drove him. Therefore, there was no way to plan for or control his behavior to the extent he wished.

Light became aware that Ryuuk, who was perched on the other end of the couch, was staring at him.

"What is it, Ryuuk?" he asked distractedly, feeling in a much better mood since that call, although sleep would now be more elusive then ever. He could feel the half smile that had formed on his lips, evidence of his improved disposition.

"Nothing. Just that you have your plotting face on, so it looks like things are about to become fun again."

"Indeed," he said as he closed his eyes, a self-satisfied smirk turning up his mouth. "Indeed they might."

---

Teru hung up the phone with a shaking hand, excitement pouring through him. _God had praised him! _

Praised him with that rich, clever voice... That voice that shot straight through to the core of him, that made him wish it wasn't a phone that allowed God's speech so intimately close to his ear.

He sank into the deep leather executive chair in his office, heart pounding a little.

Not only that, God had recognized his voice immediately! _His_!

He'd had to try several rooms first as, ironically, there were several that matched the meals Misa had described being delivered directly to the room Yagami Light was in, as well as the approximate times. Those rooms also did not order things from room service very frequently.

He swiveled the chair and took in his darkened office. Most of the employees would have gone home by now. The hall was missing its standard glare and he was able to clearly see the night sky from the room's large windows.

This job had given him connections. Good connections. With a little bit of digging, he'd found people who knew people, and the age-old currency of 'favors' had been called in, giving him access to professionals who were able to electronically rifle through the hotel's room service records to find him what he'd needed, to phreakers whose knowledge and tools had allowed him to trick the hotel's phone system, and to mafia who had no qualms about 'mugging' and killing a young actress.

More cumbersome was determining the room in which Yagami Light's captors resided. It would be needed if he wanted to gain access to the room.

God had said to stay his hand... but it wouldn't hurt to be prepared. The situation could change at any time.

Mikami took a sip of his drink, a now lukewarm espresso from the expensive machine on the counter behind him. Since acquiring the notebook, he'd done many things that he would have previously felt to be wrong. And yet - somehow it all felt justified, as long as he could assist Kira's righteousness.

Did that bleed over into killing young girls? Did that benefit his God in any way?

He mulled over it, dismissed it. It did not hamper Kira, so it was of no concern. He'd been... impatient in the days he'd awaited Misa's end. The hit men had marked her that day at the café, but he'd instructed them to wait a few more days before proceeding. By then, he would be assured to have any information she could offer, as well as enough time to make him less easily incriminated.

The white Shinigami did not seem to suspect.

Initially, she flew into a rage, grabbing him by the neck and bearing down on him with such ferocity that it was terrible to behold. _'Human!'_she'd bellowed. _'Was it you?!'_He'd shaken his head mutely, hoping the Shinigami would go check his Death Note before hastily ringing the life from him.

She'd staggered when she'd found Misa's name to be missing.

The white Shinigami leveled him a look that was beyond his comprehension, regarding him critically for moments that seemed to stretch out unendingly. Then, in a flap of powerful, bat-like wings, he was alone. He had not seen her since.

---

Headquarters was suffused with an odd air of concentration, shared by nearly all in the room.

Mogi, Ide, Aizawa, Matsuda, Watari, Yagami Senior. Everyone's eyes were on the carrot cake.

It was very large for the size typically sold in Japan, nearly dwarfing the white porcelain plate it was placed upon. L systematically cut it into even portions, each one bearing a frosted decoration of a carrot in bright orange and green, and offered them to no one.

They wondered if that was the reason for L's absence - a custom-ordered gargantuan cake. Covered in a decadent layer of thick, off-white frosting, the moist, variegated brown spiced layer cake looked to weigh at least 10 pounds.

The unspoken question hovering about the room was whether or not even L could battle such a thing and prevail. Surely even a sweet tooth such as his had limits? Surely he couldn't handle it all by himself? Surely he would bore of the taste and find it in himself to share?

Matsuda wiped at a bit of drool with the sleeve of his business suit.

L sat with the saccharine beast before him, and pulled out a section. The transfer to a second, smaller plate was precarious. The cake swayed both from the angle L's pale, angular hands held it at, as well as the springy nature of its construction. Several rich, dark crumbs toppled from it and bounced slightly as they hit the smaller plate.

"Watari?" L asked over his shoulder, causing everyone to jump. There was a moment of paper shuffling as everyone attempted to look busy at their stations.

"Yes, Sir?"

"A cup of Darjeeling tea, if you would."

"Of course, Sir," the older gentleman said with a respectful bow.

They watched him go, but their eyes inevitably strayed back to the cake. L was lifting his fork. His face looked mostly expressionless as the bite of cake disappeared into his mouth, though he briefly closed his eyes.

Given L's penchant for being as expressive as a stack of popsicle sticks, this subtle change might just have indicated that the taste of the cake was nearly euphoric.

The task force shared a glance.

Mogi, especially, was perplexed at his own fascination - he didn't even like sweets.

Not long after, Watari returned with the tea. It was probably very hot, but L took a long sip. Inexpressive or not, they could still detect an easing of some unknown tension in his visage.

The detective finished the first piece and moved on to the second. There was no reason to be so preoccupied with something as trivial as the detective consuming an overly large and decorous cake... but something was different. Something about the scene required they take notice.

Something about L was different.

Aizawa studied the younger man and thought that for the first time in a long while, L seemed like he had in the beginning. Cool. Aloof. Inwardly focused.

The police chief seemed to have noticed it, too, even through the veil of his prejudice against the detective. The hoarding of the cake was in line with his original tactless behaviors - the ones that generally dismissed the presence of all of the task force members when it was not singularly work-related.

L began work on a third piece as he requested another tea from Watari.

Something different... It wasn't so much a change in expression or even body language, but there was a sharpness to the detective. It was something as elusive as an aura perhaps, but it gave the impression that under that dull exterior, something quite exquisite was happening. That brain of his had caught on to something.

Aizawa would typically have no qualms about interrupting the detective's thoughts - he saw no need for courtesy when it was on his part alone - but it seemed, just now, to be taboo. So he watched. They all watched.

Blank, black eyes stared at the computer screen in front of them as piece by piece, the cake disappeared. L's other hand moved over the mouse from time to time, but he only paused from the methodical consumption of the dessert to take musing sips of tea, or to request another refill. It was hard to say how many of his thoughts were compiled of the data on the screen. He might have been committing it all to memory while pondering something else entirely.

Presently, Watari bent next to L's ear, murmuring something that could not be overheard. L shook his head.

Aizawa strained to make something out, or to determine something from non-verbal clues, but it was impossible.

---

Light found that he was getting bored.

_It's L's fault... leaving me here to rot..._

It was for this reason he found himself walking into the bedroom. He'd gone over thoughts of his betrayal so many times that they no longer held the punch that they once had, but instead had become a familiar weight. Without L's presence and haunted eyes to remind him, he was losing the feeling of guilt and felt strangely adrift. He stood in the doorway, feeling the acute pressure of memories swarming over him, but they were weaker now.

Disappointingly weaker.

The sharp stab of guilt was fading, and his remorse was slipping from him in greater degrees. He stood in the darkness, wondering if L was the extent of his humanity.

If he could see L, it all came flooding back... but without him, Light found he didn't care much about anything. Nothing was worth his time.

The only thing of merit was his ideal of a perfect world but, because of L, even that had paled in importance.

Light moved further into the room, savoring what discomfort he could yet wring from himself.

_Deadened black eyes... covered so I could not be swayed by them..._

_Sharp black eyes... as your anger at my callousness eventually surfaced..._

_Oh, but your mouth beneath mine that night could still not reject me, even in your despair._

_And your mouth on mine not long ago... is it truly to torment me, as I first thought? Or is it that you can't help but do these things, just as I cannot help the things that I do to you?_

Light laid down upon the bed they'd shared. There was no scent to catch upon the white pillows. They were barren and lifeless, having been changed by room service already. If Watari did not watch over him as the hotel employees were let in to do their work, he might have told them it wasn't necessary. But he was never left alone with them. His keepers were careful in that way. It wouldn't do to have Kira escape merely because the bedding needed changed. Towels were one thing, but it would seem too odd if they tried to change all the bedding themselves as well. It was once every five days or so, although this time it had been sooner. Light buried his face in the pillows. L had chosen to erase what had happened. Proof of it now existed only in their minds.

_If I died, would L be able to forget it?_

_Would he be able to erase me from his mind as well?_

That thought was sharp, like a blade slicing into him with visceral force. He pushed it from him, not wanting _that_ sort of emotion. Guilt was fine, even if L kept him at it forever... but to be forsaken was something else entirely.

Thinking on that encouraged the headaches. It was similar to the jealousy that had brought out the Kira aspect in him - the very thing he could thank for his current situation. The thing that had pushed L from his grasp. The thing that had gotten him imprisoned here in the first place.

The very thing that had allowed him to meet L in the first place.

"Ryuuzaki..." he murmured. "Why must it be so difficult between us?"

The air was cold on his bare torso as he lay there in the empty bed, a physical discomfort that was more to his preference. He shivered and curled into the pillow, deciding that he would sleep there tonight.

---

Light slept fitfully for a time... he couldn't say just how long, only that he had woken suddenly, and not without reason. He'd heard a noise from the common area. Checking his watch that he habitually wore, even though time was no longer of any consequence, he saw it was much earlier than he had thought. The blue indiglo light of its face, as he pushed the button for night viewing, showed the hands marking the time at half past nine.

It wouldn't be entirely unusual that Watari or L would be leaving food for him at this time...

But something felt different. The entry was too quiet.

He sat up and strained his ears. He half wished and half dreaded that it might be L. He hadn't forgotten the helplessness he'd felt when he realized how easily L had been able to knock him unconscious with the taser and had drugged him to keep him that way while his body was carted around like a downed beast.

The chances of it happening again were not insignificant.

Would he wake up in the cold shackles of prison, then? Or would he be caged and awaiting his execution?

Would L be able to bear witness to such a thing? If it ever happened, Light wanted him to watch. He wanted to see the expression the detective make as his life was stolen from him. And he hoped that it would hurt L dreadfully.

But it was not L's silhouette that passed into view of the doorway.

Light frowned.

It was hard to tell in the near darkness, but the person appeared to be wearing the uniform of a bellhop. He could make out the straight lines of the stiff, rimless, flat-topped hat, and the wrinkle-less contour of the hotel's signature blazers. The intruder moved into the room quickly, and Light rolled off the bed in anticipation of the approach. He was still groggy from awakening so fast, but being on his feet afforded him more options. There was no reason for a bellhop to be in here, let alone the implausibility of someone accidentally gaining entry.

"What are you doing in here?"

The bellhop said nothing, but as he came closer, Light was able to make out his face. He was able to see a dark, fixed expression, the smugness of a blooming smile, and eyes that he could somehow recognize without ever having seen them before. They _knew_ him. They _worshiped_ him.

Light backed up. "_You?_" he said in a startled hiss. What was the man thinking to come here?!

The man shook his head, indicating he would not speak. Light cataloged his appearance as he tried to figure out what he could possibly do to save himself from the impending disaster this man presented. If L was watching this right now... he would probably determine that this was the second Kira.

He was broader shouldered than Light and more solidly built, as if he worked out. He seemed as if he might be an inch or two shorter, though the hat made it difficult to ascertain. Long, dark bangs framed his face and shorter ones fell into his eyes, the rest was caught in a low ponytail.

This was his 'servant'.

This man must be mad if he believed his presence here was somehow beneficial.

The bellhop held out his hand.

And there it was. His servant aptly displayed his lunacy in that he expected Light to go with him. He was offering escape.

Light was unsure how this had all been managed, but freedom was being offered to him on a silver platter.

It was madness.

He shook his head slowly, eyes keen upon the man's face. He watched the smile falter. If he were to escape now, nothing would keep L from killing him outright as soon as he was found. Nothing. As long as he stayed, there was a chance L would come around. If he took flight, it was only a matter of time before L tracked him down and had him sentenced. If he were L, he would not forgive such an action. It was too blatant a rebuke of all that L had done to keep him alive, and the trust he had probably fought so hard to maintain even in light of Light's most unsavory actions against him.

Light narrowed his eyes in displeasure, _You have gone against my wishes_.

His servant kept out his proffered hand, gaze intensifying.

_Stubborn_, Light thought. He shook his head again sharply, holding the hooded brown eyes with his until they abruptly dropped in defeat. _You were a fool to go against me. What sort of God am I to you if you feel your judgment supersedes my own?_

Before Light could register the movement, the man lunged at him, hooking an arm around his neck and pressing something over his mouth and nose. He tasted an intense, burning sweetness on his tongue, having inadvertently breathed in as his mouth and nose were covered. His eyes widened as he realized what it was. _Shit!_ Light clawed at the man's forearm, trying to break his hold before the chloroform-laden cloth he held in his gloved hand robbed him of consciousness.

They may well have been made of steel for all the immovability of those strong arms.

_**Damn it!**_

Light flailed, and his servant suppressed the movements with ease, containing his attempts to break free as the chloroform invaded his now gasping lungs. He could feel the effects of it pervading his chest... it spread, seeping into his legs, buckling them...

And then everything went black.

---

Mikami carefully removed the cloth from Light's face and stared at him a moment, taking in the utter beauty of his visage.

He lingered upon the quality of his perfect, smooth skin... the soft bangs that scattered artfully across his closed eyes... amber eyes that had flashed so sharply, now veiled in the illusion of sleep. Teru regretted resorting to such measures, but he had suspected his God would not be willing to fully trust a lesser being, and he'd had no way to assure the younger boy that he had everything planned out.

The unconscious weight of God in his arms was almost more than he could bear - the sight and feel of his bare skin was even more so. His heart was fluttering and constricting in turns.

God was more beautiful in the flesh than he ever could have dreamed.

Mikami scooped up his limp, unresisting body and carried him out of the room bridal-style, careful not to let the boy's head loll from its resting place against his chest or to knock any part of him against the door frame as he passed through. He was mindful not to let himself become too distracted by the intoxicating scent of silky hair, nor the blasphemous thrill he got at having such a powerful being so helpless and at his mercy. More important than anything else was executing this operation perfectly and liberating his God from his persecutors.

Once in the common area of the suite, he laid the brunette down on the carpeted floor and reached for the soft-sided suitcase he'd brought with him. Within it, he found the assorted clothing he would use to disguise Light and himself. For now, he pulled out only a shirt, with which he could cover the boy's skin, and a few other items. He worked quickly, knowing they were under surveillance.

He'd chosen a simple t-shirt, for the sake of expedience, although the garment was obviously not of a quality suited to his charge's countenance. It bothered him, but frivolities would just have to wait. He lifted Light into a slightly elevated position, slipping the shirt over his head, and manipulated his pliant limbs though the sleeves. To that, he added a casual blazer that reeked of alcohol, and a beret style newsboy cap that could be pulled down to shadow the brunette's face. The pants he already wore were sufficient.

He picked Light up again, this time looping his graceful arm around his own neck, and wrapping an arm around the boy's slim waist. It was difficult to balance as he leaned down for the suitcase's handle, but he managed. He used the old man's keycard to let them out of the room - it had been altered to remain unopenable from the inside without it - and then made his way down the hall.

First to the elevator, then to the second floor restroom on the south side. It was the least trafficked one, as his observation over the last few days had shown him and, therefore, the most convenient for what he needed to do. He had almost reached it when a voice called out at him.

"You there! What are you doing?"

Mikami turned enough to face the person while keeping Light's face hidden; the garments were such that Light could appear to be anywhere from 25-40 as long as he did that.

It turned out to be a hotel supervisor that had stopped him. Effectively, his boss, as he was currently dressed as an employee. Mikami smiled at the man as if with embarrassment, and explained the drunken state of the 'hotel guest' under his arm.

The supervisor seemed less keen on disrupting his activities after smelling the alcohol on his charge's clothes.

"He said he felt really sick and wanted to be helped to the bathroom before going on to his room," Teru explained in an uncomfortable and apologetic voice, playing his part. "I thought it might minimize the mess, in case he was sick on the way... his room is on the seventh floor." He added a bit of hopefulness to his act, as if he wished to be relieved of his burden. "But if you would rather take things from here..?"

The supervisor blanched at the thought of vomit, and waved him on impatiently, obviously wanting no part in his subordinate's task.

Teru gave him a long-suffering look, before turning to continue his journey, and the supervisor sneered at him, telling him to hurry along. He did as he was bid, staunching the smile that rose to his lips. _As you wish._

Once they reached the seclusion of the bathroom, Mikami felt his heart skip a little. This was both the easy part and the hard part.

He maneuvered Light into a stall, propping him in a sitting position on the toilet seat while apologizing mentally for the necessity of doing something so unsanitary. Light's head lolled forward, but he was more or less secure. Mikami focused then on trading his bellhop uniform for the other set of clothes he had prepared. It was a sort of tracksuit, the kind that athletic types often felt appropriate when going out in public, and a pair of black sneakers. It was a nondescript dark blue with black sleeves and wide black stripes running down the sides of the pants. It should blend well with the darkness once they got outside.

Teru took the elastic tie off of his hair, losing the ponytail. Then he shook his hair out and used a pair of sunglasses to sweep it back off of his forehead. It should serve to make him look different enough. He had also forgone his usual glasses in favor of contacts. Colorless lenses, which were not an oversight - he had wanted to meet his God with his own true eyes. That carried more weight to him than the absolute perfection of his disguise.

Light was more difficult to dress, but eventually Mikami was able to get him into a similarly athletic grey and dark red outfit and a pair of grey shoes that, while too big, were serviceable. He removed the boy's watch and placed it in his pocket. It was possible that it would be recognized, especially since the zipper-fronted shirt was short-sleeved.

Finally, he pulled a shoulder-length, layered wig out of the bag and affixed it to Light's head, hiding his lustrous hair with the duller locks, and secured it further with a bandanna. Light's head was likely to tip forward, so the longer hair would assist in obscuring his face.

He pulled two athletic bags from the soft-sided suitcase. One was messenger style, which he filled with the clothes Light had just been wearing and a tennis racket, the handle of which protruded obviously, before sliding the strap over the brunette's head. This way, he didn't need to be conscious to hold onto it. The second bag was a duffel bag. Mikami crammed the rest of the clothing into it. He couldn't leave evidence, after all, and hair was likely to be caught on the clothes. The soft-sided suitcase, he crumpled up and put in there as well, then arranged the second racket so it could also be seen poking from the bag. _They were just two tennis buddies that had stopped by the hotel for a drink after an evening match. One of them had, unfortunately, had more to drink than he could handle..._

Ten minutes.

Ten minutes since he set foot outside the hotel room. Twenty-one minutes from the moment he had secured the card from the old man until now. So far, so good. All that was left was getting out of the hotel without being seen. The hard part.

Teru draped Light over him once more, holding fast to his arm and the curve of his hip as they exited the bathroom. His duffle bag was awkward, but he managed.

His heart pounded as they entered the hallway, and he had to remind himself constantly of the right sort of expression to wear for the people that saw them. _Tennis... embarrassingly drunk friend..._ His breathing was becoming slightly stressed under the pressure. 120 feet. The journey to the elevator seemed ten times longer than he knew it was. 100 feet.

How quickly would they discover the absence of Yagami Light?

Had someone been watching the moment it happened?

Were they searching already?

50 feet.

He smiled sheepishly at a middle-aged couple that gave him the eye. The woman looked startled, then giggled and said something to her husband. The man laughed quietly and shot him a smile, and then that encounter was past. Cleared.

This would have been easier, of course, if Light had been conscious... Mikami was quite aware that the boy's feet dragged upon the ground, and even though the excuse of being exceedingly drunk was plausible, anyone that was _this_ drunk would likely garner extra attention.

10 feet.

He navigated the growing mass of people without mishap and gained the elevator. It was a short trip to the lobby, but it was made longer by the chatty occupants and the excruciating backtracking the elevator did to the fourth floor to pick up three more passengers. All this time, Teru saw no one that looked like the young man Misa had met previously, though anyone with jet-black spiky hair was enough to make his heart pound in his throat.

He did not allow his thoughts to dwell on the body leaning against his...

It was too dangerous to be distracted.

He repeated their fake meeting in his head and their fake circumstances. _Tennis friend. Match after work. Drinking. _

The elevator chimed as it reached the lobby. He nodded a goodbye to the passengers, and tried not to struggle with his burden. Light was not heavy, nor was Mikami weak, but it was an awkward way to carry someone for any length of time. He headed for the restaurants.

It felt like everyone was staring at them.

They couldn't possibly be, but paranoia was nipping at his heels. They would be found out. Someone was watching them and closing in even now.

_It will work out,_ he told himself determinedly. _God is with you. Remember that and stay calm. Stay calm and they won't be able to find you in this crowd._

He nearly breathed a sigh of relief as he made it to the restaurant and found his man inside. It was one of the waiters. The two of them playacted a scene where a fuss was made over the impending sickness of his limp tennis buddy, and they were promptly rushed out the back door. The waiter then helped him get Light into the waiting vehicle. Teru got in beside him, closed the door, and then it was done.

The dark sedan would drive them close to Mikami's apartment, as arranged.

As the car eased into traffic, Teru relaxed into the plush leather seats and drew that long-awaited sigh of relief.

* * *

TBC

**A/N:** The Great Escape!

I can't help it. I love Mikami. Poor bastard.

At least the Mikami Sim I made is kicking it rather fantastically with the Light Sim I made. (I kept their astrological signs according to canon - I also made a ton of the other characters. Light hates Misa. But he loves dancing. And Matt loves laughing at him while he dances.) Mikami dreams of Light. Bwahaha! XD And the two of them find it is a rather fine idea to start snogging each other on the couch all on their own. (Mikami jumped into Light's lap even!). Ah........... I haven't played Sims2 in years.

This was a pointless author's note. But I thought it better than saying I have cosplay, con, and stuff pics on LJ - or rather, WILL have them, but do not at yet have them posted at this time. So..... Sims. fun-ness. Srsly. :x


	30. Liberation

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 30: Liberation)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

**A/N:** The Naruto fic is up. The DN fic is still waiting for beta stuff.

(p.s. I'm still catching up on replies and such. Late late late. But i've been writing, so that makes it ok. No, really, it does. BELIEVE IT.)

* * *

Chapter 30:

Light blinked his eyes open carefully, half convinced that any sudden movement would topple his head from his shoulders. He appeared to be laying down and he felt as if he were viciously drunk, though even the smell of alcohol did not convince him that that was the case.

He was in a small room - what looked to be a bedroom.

His limbs moved sluggishly, but after several attempts, he managed to prop himself upright. He groaned and held a hand to his head, making no sense of the brown hair obscuring his vision. Disjointed images flowed into his mind, but they were not coherent enough for him to recall what had happened.

"You're awake?" someone said with surprise. A glass was soon pressed to his lips and water slid down his throat. He was slow to swallow, and choked on it a little.

"Where am I?" he rasped, too dizzy to focus on the person's face, or anything else for that matter. "Why do I smell like alcohol?"

"I haven't had a chance to change you." They evaded his questions, making him feel uneasy. "You awoke sooner than I expected."

Something was removed from his head, and he could see more clearly. The details of the room still evaded him, so he looked upon the person before him - _stared_ at the person before him - and it slowly dawned on him, as hands moved too quickly to undo his shirt and expose his skin... _The second Kira. _

He remembered now, that solicitous voice and the way those eyes had looked at him in the hotel room. Focused. Hungry.

The zipper on his shirt was halfway down before he thought to stop it with words instead of will. "I can do it myself."

Rich, brown eyes looked at him in the same way now. Fixated, challenging him before releasing their hold.

His feeling of unease had intensified.

He needed to establish some upper ground with this man. He was not in control of himself as of yet and could not move as he wished. Showing that weakness would be intolerable. It might encourage the man to take advantage of him while he was in such a state.

"Bring me some other clothes," Light commanded. Forcing his voice to modulate properly was a chore, but it was reasonably well-accomplished. The arrogant tilt to his head cost him. Nausea trickled down the back of his neck in icy, prickling trails, but he held fast.

The dark-haired man with the brown eyes smiled at him and went to do so.

Light rested a moment, against what he imagined to be the headboard of the bed, allowing the sick feeling to pass. The modern style bedroom had two doors, white like the walls. One seemed to lead to a bathroom, the other, the door his wayward servant had disappeared through, must lead to the rest of the apartment. While the man's attention was diverted, Light focused on making his motor skills cooperate. It was a losing battle. Even the simplicity of a zipper was giving him trouble.

A soft laugh made Light look up with a frown.

_I was wrong. Three doors. _One had led to another room that appeared to function as a closet and perhaps also a dressing room. Light's head felt fizzy and overstuffed. Then it was the bathroom on the right, the rest of the apartment through the door at the foot of the bed, and the closet room - the room from which his captor had emerged - to his left.

"Allow me," the man said silkily, sitting before him on the bed and brushing his clumsy hands aside.

Light bit the inside of his lip, angered at the lack of control he had over the situation. He made his face express boredom as he let the man do as he wished, as if it suited him just fine to be undressed by a stranger. Right now, he was defenseless.

"What is your name?" Light asked. "I assume you are able to tell me now." He had to establish some sort of dominance, or this man might feel free to act upon the look that haunted his eyes. The adoration that burned within them as he bent to his task was too intense. Light wanted to rescind the baring of his skin beneath that gaze. He wanted control over his body again, but the effects of the chloroform would take a while to wear off. Thankfully, his voice was cooperating for the most part.

The man looked up. "Teru," he said simply.

It was his given name, Light was certain. "What is your full name?" _Teru_ seemed set on forcing a level of intimacy on him that was entirely unacceptable.

"Just Teru."

Light bit back his initial irritated response to that, and set his tone to a lighthearted one. "Are you afraid of what I would do with your full name?" He smiled.

"Yes." Teru smiled back.

Light was not sure how to respond, so he kept silent. Teru resumed his undressing, and Light did his best to seem unaffected and comfortable, despite how desperately he disliked the situation and the many accidental touches he had to endure. Teru slipped the shirt from his shoulders as if he were undressing a lover, and Light couldn't help but flinch as hooded eyes met his.

_Teru__ was like __Misa, then, in that I am the focus of his desire. I am the tool with which he can be controlled._

Light's mind hummed in a cold, fast-paced flurry as the dark-haired man's face drifted closer. Dozens of calculations and scenarios were processed and solutions forged and discarded. Teru's eyes started to close as his face tilted up to Light's.

"Would you presume upon your God so lightly?" Light asked, holding his ground as Teru's lips were nearly touching his.

It was a subtle reprimand, but one spoken as if from a place of power. The effect was immediate. Teru withdrew automatically, his eyes holding a mixture of self-flagellation, reverence and adoration. He tipped his head down. "I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me."

Light reached out and touched his face, drawing it up again. He smiled coldly, but instilled within it the promise of warmth. It was the sort of hook that could string people along endlessly. "Now is not the time for that. Help me undress."

Teru did as he was bid, and the exchange had shifted the dynamic of their interaction. The dark-haired man was now very careful to avoid unnecessary touches or prolonged gazes. It was the behavior of one who was trying to "be good" in the hopes of receiving what they wanted.

It wasn't all that different from how he had handled Misa. However, men were a different matter when it came to such things, physicality being more in their makeup than it was with women. In the long term, this was not sustainable without some convincing on his own part.

As Teru helped him change, Light found himself thinking of L.

L, who had never given in to his manipulations as wholeheartedly as everyone else. L, who fought him at every turn, and was all the more precious for it. He bowed his head as the man helped him slip a button-down shirt over his arms. _L... you think I have done this of my own free will, I am sure. But should I meet you again, I doubt you would believe me if I said otherwise. Are we fated to be at cross purposes like this? Should I take my chances, and do all that I can to escape you now that I have been liberated? Or should I let you find me in the hopes that you won't destroy me? _

"Is something on your mind?" Teru asked quietly, waiting now at his feet like a true servant.

"You have put me in a difficult position by ignoring my instructions."

Teru's face became still, hiding his thoughts. "God..." He dropped his eyes. "I am yours to command."

---

L was in a mood, the likes of which even Watari had never seen before.

"Sir, perhaps you should try to calm down."

L's dark eyes whipped to him, and they were cutting. "He's gone, and you want me to _calm down_?"

It was obvious to Watari that the detective wasn't thinking clearly. Evidence of that was in a dozen little details, but namely in that L was not taking immediate action on anything. It was as if he were shell-shocked.

"Please, Sir, try not to raise your voice." Loud noises were exacerbating Watari's headache. Chloroform would do that. He'd called L just as soon as he was able.

But L was not of a mind to listen.

"Get me the surveillance video."

Watari didn't bother to mention that it would be just as expedient for L to retrieve his laptop, so he could check the digital feed, from headquarters _himself_.

L was starting to pace again with clipped, discomfited strides. Everything about him showed a level of extreme agitation and distress. It was worrisome. "Very well, Sir. I shall return shortly." It was probably for the best that none of the task force saw L like this. Those questions were ones that would be difficult to answer indeed.

---

L stared at the screen of his laptop and bit into his thumb until he tasted blood. He'd ordered Watari to leave him undisturbed while he went over the video, and was glad he'd done so. He didn't need any additional distractions, such as keeping a mask over any expressions that might leak through, and he knew the older man would be studying him for reactions.

He was grateful the intruder had only used anesthesia on his mentor and had not damaged him further, but he was not in a mind to express such sentiments to the older man properly, so he refrained.

He focused on the screen once more, accompanied by the metallic taste of anxiety, and watched the replay of a scene for the fourth time.

Light had escaped...

Light had been unconscious...

Light would despise being in such a state and leaving his fate in someone else's hands.

The feed showed the entrance of the intruder and the subtle interplay between them before the chloroform was used. Light somehow knew this person, and had acted surprised to see them. The man dressed as a bellhop had offered his hand as if offering Light freedom. Light refused him twice, and the tilt of his head indicated to L that he felt above this person and was likely communicating something to them with his eyes. The man had attacked. Light had struggled.

L stopped the recording.

The thing he came back to again and again was whether he could take the scene at face value, or whether all of it was scripted.

He rewound to the point in which Light had first entered the bedroom. He watched the scene, and the other boy's odd behavior, feeling it pull at something in his chest. Would Light have taken care to act _this_ far ahead? Even for him, that might be considered excessive.

But then again, Light was an extremely meticulous person.

The brunette was likely to do all that he could in order to make this look like he had been taken from here against his will, so that if the operation failed, or L later caught up with him, he could beg innocence.

L let the chloroform scene, as he mentally referred to it, play out again. He could watch it impartially if he thought of it as a great performance. He could pick it apart and analyze it, with only tweakings of anger touching him as he watched the skillful actors - mostly at himself for being taken in by it. _However_.

There remained the possibility that it was not an act, and that all was as it was truly presented.

This was the thing fueling the harsh treatment of his thumb.

That one little difference, and the video was near unwatchable.

What Light had been communicating to the man silently then would have been something of a reprimand. The tilt of his head indicated confidence. He did not expect to be disobeyed. How shocked must he have been then, how totally unprepared, when the man had grabbed hold of him and forced the rag to his face. How desperate Light must have felt as he struggled.

But why would he refuse freedom?

Not once, but twice.

Light sagged in the man's arms.

L ground his teeth upon his thumb. This part... this was the part that was most disturbing to him... The long moment where the uniformed man held the brunette, staring into his face. It wasn't just Light's vulnerability that got to him. It was the man's demeanor. It was the way in which he cradled the brunette to him and the way he seemed unable to look elsewhere.

If it were an act, what purpose would such things serve?

It would be senseless for Light to incite jealousy and possessiveness in him if it were merely an act, for that would undermine his 'innocence' once he was found and secured. Yet it was just the sort of thing the brunette might do, just to see if he could get away with it.

L watched the man carry Light from the room, then switched to the other camera feed. It was infuriating that there were no clear shots of the bellhop's face and that he refrained from speaking aloud. The man lay Light on the floor and rifled through the bag he had entered with. He dressed the brunette in common garments, then picked him up and made his exit with Watari's keycard. It was all done with professional efficiency.

L chewed his thumb, ignoring the throbbing pain it was beginning to cause.

He wished he could have followed the rest of the man's movements to see how far this ruse had been planned out. The suitcase had seemed rather full, and probably housed additional clothing for one or both of them to wear on the way out. The man had expected someone to be watching Light at all times. He had expected interference every step of the way.

_I became lax._

_I tired of the constant, real-time monitoring, and that failure was exploited._

What is the truth? Is this Light's answer to giving up the notebook? Or is this mutiny simply a matter of ill-timing?

---

Light stared blankly at one of the walls in the bedroom. It had been two days.

Black framed modern art, the kind composed of shapes and mostly monochromatic color schemes, broke the pristine white of the walls. He'd had plenty of time to analyze and memorize every detail. Dark-stained wood furniture, minimal, elegant and very nearly black took up space on the flawlessly white carpet. Recessed lighting that could be raised of dimmed provided the only source of illumination.

Despite Teru's assurances that he would do nothing but what Light wished, he was nonetheless confined to this room. It was greatly irritating. He couldn't fault the man, however. He would have done the same.

So he sat, upon the bed dressed with black silk sheets and a down comforter, within his cage that was accented by the trappings that only good money in great quantity could buy.

Teru continued to remain 'just Teru', refusing to unveil his full name, even with encouragement.

Again, he could not fault the intelligence in that, but he despised his own wasted efforts.

He also despised the fact that he was bound and unable to move freely. I-am-your-humble-servant Teru did not trust him. He supposed the man was playing his own games in a way, seeing what Light would do to gain his trust, though he treated him with deference in almost all things.

How strange.

If a God were made flesh, would humans really worship it while cutting the wings from its back with unrepentant, wicked blades? In what manner would they justify such things to themselves? Or was it a failing of logic that allowed the behavior?

Presently, the bedroom door that led into the rest of the apartment opened. It was evening, and Teru entered with a tray that likely bore their dinner.

Though he was not currently working at his job - he had mentioned taking a few days off - the dark-haired man spent a lot of time unaccounted for, which he refused to speak of. His typical reply to such queries was, _'I am doing your work.'_

Light didn't feel like eating. He graced the man with a disdainful look.

"You're displeased," Teru said.

Light remained impassive and silent, letting his lack of response put the other man on the defensive.

Teru frowned, setting the tray down on the bed. "Is this meal not to your liking?"

"I don't know, I haven't bothered to look." He was good at playing the subtle threads of aloof disinterest, and capturing more fully the other's helpless desire to please him - regardless of the fact that Light was being purposefully difficult.

They stared at each other for a small eternity.

"I'm bored, Teru," Light intoned with quiet intensity. "I cannot be Kira here. I cannot be _anything_ here."

Intelligent brown eyes regarded him solemnly. Otherwise, the man's attractive face betrayed nothing. It was a skillful facade, but one Light was determined to break. His servant did not like being questioned. No matter the contradiction of his willingness to keep Light bound, Light's opinion of him seemed to bear deep consequence upon his sense of self.

"What is the difference between your bondage and L's?" Light asked him. "For what reason did you free me, if freedom was not your true intention?"

"L will eventually kill you." The even pace of his words belied his uncertainty.

"Oh?" Light said softly, leaning back against the headboard and watching him in the dim light. "And how are you any different?"

Teru's eyes widened slightly.

Light smiled benevolently, drawing him in with hooded eyes as he held up his bound hands. "Just what is different, Teru?" The name rolled off of his tongue with calculated finesse, and he felt a thrill as he watched the effect he had over the person before him - the power he held over him. Rich brown eyes darkened and well-shaped lips formed a frown. Uncertainty and distress radiated from the man as he stared helplessly at Light.

"It's different," he whispered.

Light reeled him in with his gaze, memorizing the face, had he ever need of it, and the way his conservatively messy hair framed it. His pawn moved hesitantly forward.

Light turned his head slightly and offered him his cheek, receiving the tentative brushing of lips there with an air of petulant acceptance as if he might be swayed to allow more. This was a delicate game, but one that he was most certainly swaying to his advantage with every tangled emotion, though it was a bittersweet victory. He breathed in the faint trace of an expensive cologne, and half closed his eyes, forcing the tension from his body as Teru's hand gently tipped his face up to receive a kiss.

He noted the tremor in that hand with satisfaction, a thing with which he mollified himself as he let the other's lips touch his. Carefully... so carefully... Teru kissed him as if he thought Light would either shatter like glass or strike him down.

It was difficult to fake this. Not for the feel of it - it was pleasant, whereas Misa's affections were wholly abhorrent - but because his own emotions were not so easy to lay to rest as they had once been. It was more that he was following the logical path of this to its completion, imagining living freely as Kira without L to cripple him. Teru would be an acceptable subordinate, he would be controllable enough through the intimacies he desired, and Light could aptly play that game.

But that future felt empty.

A world without L.

A world full of hollow pleasure where he could do whatever he wanted, and never have what he _truly_ wanted.

He felt numb. Why bother struggling at all? All roads led to L, was it? Was it preferable to face death by L's hand than to live forever eluding him?

He made a soft noise as Teru's hand smoothed down his stomach, bringing him back to himself. It wouldn't do to forget himself here and be lost in thoughts of L. "That's enough," he said in a lazy but firm voice, sure to tease and command at the same time. "I've only been with women before..." He left the rest unsaid, but trusted Teru would interpret his request to go slow and let him get used to the idea.

"Like Misa?" his servant replied, pulling back and sealing the emotion that had just a moment before suffused his face while Light had allowed him to be so close.

"Like Misa," Light agreed, settling back into his position of power like a satisfied cat. "She was a loyal follower. It was a shame that she died so uselessly." He dropped the lie and waited to see how it would fall.

"She did not appear to be intelligent enough to suit your purposes," Teru said with a slight challenge.

_Ah, jealousy._

"She did well enough to find you," Light replied, assuaging the other's pride but digging at him at the same time. He let the amusement show on his face.

Teru stared back at him, slightly flustered, but his gaze was penetrating. Assessing. "You're a dangerous individual, Yagami Light," he remarked quietly. His brown eyes said he was aware of every trick and every manipulation Light was exposing him to.

Light smiled. Teru was astute, but he was not aware of everything. He saw just enough to convince himself that he was safe, and to justify his need to court Light's deadly flame. He thought he was in control. But control was an elusive thing indeed when you fell prey to awe and lust. And it was there in Teru's eyes. He was wary, but utterly smitten. "Would you expect anything less of Kira?"

Something eased in the dark-haired man's face, the adoration spilling back into his demeanor as he was reminded of how blessed he was to be in God's presence.

Teru smiled ruefully, as if finding it a dark sort of humor that God was embodied within a beautiful, haughty young man. "I expect all of that and more."

---

"Light," Ryuuk said, choosing a moment when Mikami was out of the room. "What are you doing here?"

Light raised a brow at him in annoyance. "I'm making the best of my second abduction," he said sarcastically.

"Well, yeah, but..." Ryuuk flapped around the room in a melancholy circle. "What about L?"

Light bristled. "What about him?"

"It's more fun to watch you with him. This guy's a pushover."

Light covered his face with his hands and muttered something unkind. "If you would like to offer your assistance in changing the situation..." he suggested darkly.

"No can do," the Shinigami replied. "I'm not in the business of being helpful, I exist to entertain myself."

"And stuff yourself with apples," Light said with disgust. "There are some in the kitchen area, I'm sure. I asked Teru to buy some the other day." _Not that you deserve them, you foul thing._

"Really??!"

Light shook his head as the black-winged Shinigami disappeared through the wall. Hopefully the thing would take care not to be seen in its gorging.

He frowned, playing with the unobtrusive circle of one of his titanium earrings, ignoring the irritation he felt at the padded cuffs which kept his hands unable to move independently. They were connected to a length of chain that was locked about the headboard's wrought iron and prevented him moving far from the bed, though he could reach the bathroom and use it on his own.

His fingers toyed with the tiny ball at the bottom of the earring, spinning it on its axis. He'd spent a long time thinking. Not just about his current situation, but everything... and he'd finally come to a decision.

He _could_ rid himself of the tracking devices and move on to a different location with his 'servant'.

This would have him running for the rest of his life, fleeing the brilliant mind of the detective he so wished to have as his own. Cumbersome, but achievable. He knew L well enough to anticipate his thoughts.

_Spin, spin._

Or he could go for the big play, leaving the trackers in place and giving up the Death Note before L found him - in a show of good faith - hoping that L would find it in himself to be lenient. That was the only way to show the detective that it had not been his intention to escape and resume his activities as Kira.

It would put him at risk, however, to lose his memories in the presence of his dark-haired follower... It was hard to say whether the adoration would evaporate, whether anger would surface, or if he would be harmed in any physical way. Theoretically, he should remain the same, just without his memories of the notebook...

...but being bereft of the sharp wit of his Kira side might put him at an extreme disadvantage. That side had only surfaced as he began to use the notebook, so there was no reason for it to remain.

_Spin, spin, spin._

He disliked the notion that Teru might, in fact, harbor enough of an obsession for him that the revoking of his godhood would merely make the man act more freely upon his desires.

He also wasn't keen on the scenario that placed him at the feet of his follower's potential fury when he discovered the disappearance of his 'God'.

Either was likely. It all came down to Teru's personality, which he did not know in great enough measure to determine.

Ryuuk was taking a long time to return. There couldn't have been _that_ many apples... Light frowned with impatience, for once actually requiring the sharp-toothed creature's presence. Also, it unnerved him to think the Shinigami had found something else to spend its endless interest on.

The bedroom door opened, and Teru came through looking somewhat harried.

Light sat up straighter on the bed. "What is it?"

"They are looking for you," he said vaguely, locking hard eyes upon Light's face. "And I just realized..." he strode over to the brunette and grabbed him by the chin, tilting his head to the side. "These were not here just a short time ago. The school picture I have from Misa is recent."

Light felt his gut grow cold as the man touched one of the earrings to which he was referring.

"When did you come by these, Yagami Light?" he asked darkly. "In your captivity, am I correct?"

Pressure tugged at small hoop in his ear and Light prayed that they not be taken out in the fastest fashion possible. "...yes," he relented. If he lied now, it would be transparent, and would likely earn him a split earlobe.

Mikami's stare hardened further. It was ruthless and scathing. "Do you expect me to believe you hadn't thought they might contain something with which to track you? Why didn't you get rid of them?" He sounded desperate. "Why didn't you say anything??"

_Where was__ Ryuuk?_ He needed to denounce ownership before anyone arrived! _How close were they?_

"You're overstepping your bounds," Light said coldly, improvising. "I was testing you." Teru's hold on him eased a fraction. He harbored just enough doubt that Light had something to work with. "You've _failed_. It's pathetic how long it's taken you to discover such a simple thing."

Brown eyes flashed between shock, hurt and anger.

Teru pushed him onto the bed suddenly, turning him over and trapping Light's arms under his body.

"What are you doing?" Light ground out, panicking slightly as he felt Teru's hands grasping roughly at an earring. He couldn't move.

"Getting rid of these."

Part of the frantic feeling in Light's chest as he felt the pull on his ear was that the man would be stripping him of one of the pieces of evidence that he had not betrayed L in this way. The other part was wanting to avoid the burning pain of torn flesh.

Suddenly, he changed his mind, wishing that Teru _would_ rip them out - a mutilation that would attest to his protest at their removal. But he was not so lucky.

Teru released him, his breathing visible due to his agitation. "I'm going to dispose of these, and then we're leaving."

Light pushed himself up off of his stomach, with his bound hands, and gave him an unfriendly look. L might have this location logged, but if the earrings were not with him when they moved on - there was no telling how long it would take for the detective to track them down. If only Ryuuk would appear, and he could lose his memories before then - his follower might abandon him here in a fit of malcontent.

"I can see only action holds weight with you," Teru said stiffly, his posture tight with anger and apprehension. "Though I think your methods of testing leave something to be desired." He turned on his heel and left the room.

---

Mikami let out a frustrated sigh, grinding his teeth as he drove to meet a carrier. God was more demanding than he had expected. To put them both in danger of being captured, merely to see how he measured up?

One minute the brunette seemed harmless, a young man with a clever mind, the next, a cruel tyrant who would bring down the world around him without flinching.

At times he seemed reasonable, and at others he seemed utterly mad.

But always clever.

Always plotting.

And always breathtaking.

The nervous beating of Mikami's heart filled his chest as he made the turn. The carrier would transport the tiny box containing the earrings, which should give enough of a distraction for them to escape capture. He would rather take flight now, instead of running this errand, but it was a grave necessity. It wasn't far. A round trip of 15 minutes.

What was this obsession he had with the brunette? Embracing him was like holding his breath. Like waiting for spikes to spear through his flesh at the merest misstep. And yet, the absence of such... to be allowed to touch his perfect skin and partake of the warm ambrosia of his mouth...

To catch even a glimmer of the passion his God was capable of...

It was worth everything.

And despite this recent failing - on the whole - God was allowing him increasing liberties. It may have been in the hopes of gaining his name, but such knowledge paled when God lay in his arms. To be able to hear the catch in his breath even once as his hand had trailed over the brunette's hip, to be able to see the slight flush high on his cheeks or taste the sensitive flesh of his neck...

It was hard to obey when he was told to stop.

It was so very hard when longing coursed through every fiber of his being.

But he must obey. If God was being truthful about his experience, then pushing him too far against his wishes would ruin everything.

But Mikami couldn't help but wonder if God was merely being coy.

He stopped the car, having arrived at his destination, and got out.

---

15 minutes.

Mikami glanced at his watch as he stopped his car at a crosswalk. 15 minutes and 20 seconds, precisely. He had reached the block his apartment was located in and the people he had seen earlier - the tails - were notoriously absent. He didn't think for even a second that they were gone. Even had they broken into his apartment and stolen God away from him, they would not leave without the second Kira.

He hated the thought that they may have succeeded.

He would have taken Light with him and continued their escape after the drop-off... but having the brunette in tow would have drawn their pursuers' attention and ruined any hopes that they might be distracted by the moving signal of the tracking device, not to mention it would have taken longer to accomplish.

It was true, he may have been followed even now, but it was also likely that they had not yet pinpointed the signal to his specific apartment, or himself. In that case, he would be in the clear for at least a little longer. Maybe just long enough.

It was all up to chance. It was all up to luck for this to play out in his favor.

* * *

TBC

**A/N:** Well, all, looks like one more chapter at the least. ^^

I don't have a lick of it written..... (Don't freak. I am sitting down to try right now. It is Thursday morning. Plus, I have lots of notes!)..... but depending on how it goes, the update for next week may come late. If I force it, it'll suck, so bear with me. ;S

**Poll:** I'm curious, how many of you like Mikami, and how many of you are wigged out by him? (Or both?)

*pets Mikami* Oh, your fate is in such a precarious position right now.......

-------------------

**A/N 2:** **-ETA- **(Friday afternoon) You guys are in luck! Not only was I able to write, but the chapter will be SUPER long AND on time! XD (hOMG and things happen! like whoa.) I really think only one chapter after that. (Yeah, yeah, I know you all distrust any estimates I throw out there by now. haha.)

Also, my beta assures me that PITCH (death note) will be beta'd this weekend. PROMISES me, I might add, under threat of very unpleasant things. :D


	31. Flight: Part 1

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 31: Flight: Part 1)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

**A/N:**This was going to be the longest chapter EVAR. (There just didn't seem to be a good place to split it.) But instead, I split it in two and give you TWO CHAPTERS AT ONCE! ((Sorry it's a day late. things came up. *ETA* the upload section on this site was down since Saturday - EPIC DELAY. argh!))

Note: Guys, I love you. I swear I will not rush anything!

The fic will end where it needs to, not before, and not after. ;)

As always, your reviews mean a lot to me, and I shower you with my eternal gratitude. (hugs)

* * *

Chapter 31:

The apartment was just as Mikami had left it.

The door had been locked and a single light had been left on in the spacious kitchen area, glinting off of the chrome appliances and the glossy black marble counter-top.

He looked carefully over the living room, slowing his steps, ever cautious. The couches appeared as they always did, with their stylishly low seating, lack of arms, dark oak veneer, and the boxy grey microfiber cushions. The tatami mat that lay in front of it, the dark oak coffee table and the matching end tables were perfectly aligned.

The white carpet that ran throughout the apartment was spotless.

Or at least, it had been. Mikami had not stopped to take off his shoes. Years of habit bade him remove them at the door, but his need for being prepared begged him to disregard the potential sullying of the floor covering. It soon wouldn't matter. Once he'd secured Light and left this place, he'd never be able to come back.

He would miss this place, the container of all his worldly possessions, and the sanctuary its meticulously styled interior afforded him.

It had once been quite barren, when he'd first acquired it at the beginning of his career. Prosecuting attorneys could make good money, but that did not happen overnight. He would regret the loss of the Amani living room set and his books, kept in neat rows on the recessed bookcases, and the flat screen television they bracketed, but they were just things. Trivial things that were nothing more than a pleasant distraction from a life he struggled to make purposeful.

His line of work had ultimately been disappointing. For all of the influence and prestige such a position promised, he too often found himself powerless to affect much in the way he wanted. He had to endure the courtroom, share it with clients that were better off dead, and battle his disillusionment as judge and jury passed verdicts that made him want to tear everything apart around him. Justice. It was a fallacy. What this job had garnered him was box seats to the inexorable truth of it all. Money. Connections. Charisma. These things could rewrite reality for those that possessed them and, no matter the crime, would allow you to swing things in your favor.

Facing this every day, he had been beginning to lose all hope.

Until Kira.

Kira, the God who was not moved by mortal persuasions. The God who showed no mercy to those whom he judged. The God who was unbound by mortal law. The embodiment of justice.

Kira had given his life meaning again. And to directly serve him... to be a part of that divine cleansing...

It was no wonder he was risking it all.

He put his hand on the handle of the bedroom door, tension riding him like an electrical storm, ready to bolt if anything was amiss.

It was no wonder he was here like this now, stalking through his own home like a burglar fearing detection. He would do anything for Kira. Anything to further _his_ purpose, even if it put him at odds with human laws.

He pushed the door inward.

The room felt empty, save for the lone figure on the king-sized bed.

_Just as I left him._

His earlier anger had spent itself. He realized this as he looked at the brunette, whose eyes were closed. Perhaps it was his ruminations that had dispelled it, or perhaps it was the feeling of being hunted that jiggered down his spine which made him feel closer to his God; it was the two of them against everyone else.

Time felt condensed and fleeting, but stopped somehow. He had to hurry, he knew that, but he felt strangely hesitant to disturb the resting figure.

Mikami scoured the room with his eyes as he stepped within, searching for anything foreign. When he came up with nothing, he slipped over to the bathroom to check there as well, and then to the closet room. Nothing, and more nothing.

He moved, at last, over to the brunette and touched his shoulder. He thought it odd that the other would have fallen asleep at a time like this, especially after their earlier disagreement, but there was no time to dwell. "God," he said softly. "We have to leave. They're coming and we are out of time." Amber eyes opened, far too clear to have been truly asleep, and vastly different from the incensed eyes he'd seen when he'd left.

"Where are we going?" the brunette asked flatly.

He took his God's hands in his so he could unfasten the chain that held him to the headboard. "Somewhere they'll never find us."

He felt Light's hands jerk slightly in his.

Frowning, Mikami looked up. He searched the brunette's face, but it was impassive and those eyes looked away. But there was something deeply disturbing to him about the other's flinching back.

"Maybe you should just leave me here - escape on your own."

"I couldn't abandon you like that--" Mikami reached out and touched Light's face. The skin of his cheek was soft and supple beneath his fingertips, as usual, but something felt wrong.

"_Please_. I'll be fine. I was fine before you took me away, was I not?"

_Wrong, wrong, wrong,_ Mikami thought. Just what was it that felt off? There wasn't time for this!

He captured Light's chin with his fingers and turned the boy's head towards him. Those eyes remained averted. Determined now, and desperate for a quick answer to this pressing feeling of abnormality, Mikami tilted Light's face up to his and kissed him, catching a flash of wide eyes as he did so.

Echoed in the kiss was the same thing he'd sensed earlier, something like... fear.

Light's body was rigid, his mouth reluctant, and his bound hands were pressing weakly at Mikami's chest. Mikami deepened the kiss to see how he would react, his heart pounding faster in his chest.

_This behavior..._

This was nothing like before... if Light was trying to pull his strings, he was employing an entirely different method. Always before, the brunette had an aura of control. Of power. Just now, however...

His tongue stroked at the brunette's, feeling the tremulous quality of his mouth, and he found himself pushing the bounds of decency as he waited for the reaction he expected. It was not until he also ran his hand up the boy's thigh that the hands against his chest balled into fists and shoved him back.

"Don't touch me," the brunette said harshly, master of his own voice, though his body language ruined the effect.

This was not the harsh reprimand he could have expected. Light sounded cornered, as if uncertain of himself or the situation at large.

"Something is wrong with you," Mikami stated, gaining elusive eye contact. _Hostility is a common recourse of those who feel fear..._

"Something is wrong with _**you**_," Light snapped back. "Whoever is after you is welcome to it. I want no parts of it."

_What could have happened in 15 minutes, but..._

Mikami flashed back to when Misa had given him the notebook.

She had seemed a bit off during the time between renouncing ownership and touching the notebook that Mikami held out to her as instructed. She'd been startled, then, at the presence of her Shinigami and had doubled over, clutching her head for moments afterwards. She had never specified why touching the notebook after giving it up was important, but he suspected it had something to do with memory.

Mikami felt his hands grow cold, and anxiety clamp tightly in his gut. "You don't know who is after us?"

"After _you,_" Light corrected. "And no, I fail to see why they would be after me as well; I've done nothing but get myself abducted."

_He didn't remember? _But.... Kira was the source of the notebook's power, was he not? Unlike Misa, if _he_'d lost his memories, was there even a way to bring them back? Would the notebooks even work if Kira was gone?

"You've forgotten? Forgotten everything?" Mikami said frantically, taking Light by the shoulders and shaking him. "Kira... the notebooks..." Would Kira have done this to him? Abandoned him in a fit of ire? He recalled the haughty look he had seen on the brunette's face, and he knew his capricious God was capable of it.

Panic was sluicing his calm, analytical thoughts.

Light's lovely face paled. "I don't know what you're talking about!" His eyes were devoid of the cunning they typically possessed.

Mikami felt something within him beginning to snap. He could feel that Light was assessing his situation, deciding what course of action to take, the expressions to make, how to act. Just like he had during the kiss. It was painfully similar to the way Kira's mind had worked previously, but there were no sharp smiles here, only confusion and the facade it was being swept under. Mikami's hands were shaking.

Despair was welling up within him, debilitating in its force.

"God," Mikami cried out. What then, had he worked for all this time, only to be left bereft of hope? He embraced the boy that was no longer Kira but the empty shell that once housed him, sorrow carving angry marks within his soul. "My God... why have you forsaken me?" The body in his arms felt fragile. Mortal. But it was beautiful... still so very beautiful. Hot tears spilled down his cheeks.

He could almost hear Kira laughing at him, endlessly amused at this little prank he'd pulled.

He looked up into wide amber eyes. Beautiful amber eyes. The flicker of fear there made God's death all the more real, all the more wrenching as he realized it wasn't only God he had desired, but God's vessel as well.

"Light..." Mikami said, speaking the mortal name as he bore the boy's body down onto the mattress. The brunette's entire body tensed, and he held it to him as he drank of those protesting lips. They were like wet silk against his mouth, and warm, inspiring fire within the cold shards of his grief.

If he couldn't have God, he could have God's image.

It wouldn't matter now, he could be as irreverent as he liked...

He brought Light's bound hands over his head and held them there. He ignored the boy's struggles. _It's your fault. KIRA... You abandoned me!_ He had been betrayed in the cruelest way - when his back was turned. He had given Kira nearly everything... It was his mistrust of people that had made him withhold his name... but he had wanted to believe. He wanted to believe in Kira, offer him his life, to be used but never tossed away.

Light's skin was hot beneath his hands and trembled as he memorized the graceful lines of his hips.

He could lose himself in this body.

He could make his claim upon the perfection of this flesh, and within it, calming the maelstrom of his thoughts before spiriting him away.

He _would_.

He would break the innocence in those accusing, jewel-like eyes.

"Teru, stop this," the boy said then.

Calm. He sounded too calm and collected for this. Too in control. Too mocking with the pleading use of his name. "You never fed me anything but lies, did you?" he whispered sharply against the softness of his cheek. Coy. That _was_ what the brunette had been earlier, when he said he'd never lain with a man. Anger leaked into his words, threats, "Who else had you besides Misa?"

It was so very hard to reconcile the two beings in his head. Light. Kira. He knew this was no longer Kira, and yet he was holding this boy accountable. Wanted to. There were too many similarities. He could see the ghost of Kira within him, haunting his mannerisms even now.

The brunette was shaking his head, wide-eyed as he denied it. "I never slept with Misa."

Lying by omission. Misa wasn't important. _We both know she wasn't important!_

"That isn't what I asked you," Mikami said harshly, sliding the protesting boy's pants down off of his hips. He watched the change in that lovely face, the way trepidation infected the serene mask he was struggling to wear. It started to fracture and crumble as he took vulnerable flesh in hand. "_Who?_"

"No one!" Light insisted, thrashing to get away. "No one, I swear! Don't do this!"

"Did they touch you like this?" he whispered in Light's ear as he stroked him. He felt cruel. Spiteful. Justified. "Did you cry out, or did you keep your silence and quietly shake?" Light's earlobe was delicate and soft between his lips. His scent was worth drowning in.

"No, no," Light said, though his body contradicted him by responding to Mikami's words.

---

Inside his head, trapped in his head, Light was in turmoil. He didn't know what was going on - all of his thoughts were dark, hazy and garbled - but he knew what was going to happen.

Disassociate.

He felt a vague attraction for this dark-haired man, and yet he felt sickened by it at the same time. And somewhere in all of it was the sense of impending doom, a fear for his fate at this man's hands, and the disjointed knowledge that the punishment he was undergoing would be fitting for some reason.

His mind focused on a different, more stable line of thought, following the shining thread of it, not minding the way everything else faded into the background.

He'd tried to prevent this, but had failed most spectacularly. He'd suspected something was strange when Teru acted differently towards him than he had before. But amnesia? How could he have anticipated such a thing or known that it would be the catalyst to set off the ticking time bomb that the man had embodied these last few days? The man was crazy, to say the least. Calling him 'God'? Keeping him locked in a room and chained to a bed?

This forced intimacy was only a logical conclusion to those things.

He'd seen it coming. He'd tried to head it off, but he was doing something wrong. Light had assumed that pushing Teru away when he'd kissed him would be a bad move, that it would be unexpected, but it seemed to go _against_ what the man had expected, gaining him a closer scrutiny than ever before.

It was exceptionally hard to think. He felt distant, as if what was taking place was happening to someone else.

He struggled to pull his bound hands from the man's grip countless times. He was not strong enough.

"You're... wasting time," he heard himself say at one point, in a voice that sounded odd to his ears. Was it his voice? "Wasting time... on something like this. Fool. They're coming."

The response sounded like it was far away. He could barely make it out. It sounded like 'God?'

"If you like," his own voice replied. "Unchain me."

It was hazy, like a reflection in disturbed water.

Light missed the next snatches of dialog. His head was starting to pound and he felt nauseous.

Through the pain, however, he was starting to notice things. He could see the room again, his clothes were perfectly in place as if they had never been moved, and his head lay upon Teru's shoulder as his cuffs were being unfastened from the chain that attached to the bed. He had the distinct impression that some time had passed, but he had no way to mark it.

"I feel sick," Light said, unnecessarily.

Teru paused in what he was doing to hold his hand against Light's forehead. He seemed displeased with what he found. Worried. "You'll just have to bear with it." But his voice soon filled with new purpose. "You were right, we have to leave immediately."

"..." _Leaving._ The cuffs fell from his wrists. The word sparked unease within Light to rival the unpleasantness already residing in his head. Leaving was bad. Something...

"Wait here" Teru said. "I just need to grab a few things."

---

Mikami left Light sitting upon the bed, his head lolling to the vicinity of his knees.

It was irrational, odd and incomprehensible... but Kira was not gone. That voice, his God's voice, had spoken to him. He could never mistake those gripping tones.

He grabbed a duffel bag from the closet room and threw some clothes into it for both of them, along with a few bottles of water.

There was something different about Kira... his voice had surfaced like a shape in deep fog, becoming clear and then fading back again. He was not wholly present, but he had not entirely disappeared either. _And, perhaps, he had not intentionally left me stranded._ His memories seemed corrupted, but he was quick to ask about the notebook Mikami had mentioned. His speech, his mannerisms, and his eyes... all of them were right again.

His transgressions upon Kira's body would be overlooked, if he could only manage to get them out of here fast enough.

He was worried, though. He had no idea how much time had passed.

Not only that, his God had slipped away from him again, and Light had taken his place. He had no explanation, unless Kira was not always Kira, and this was merely the first time he'd witnessed the change. Or were Light and Kira the same, and something had happened to cause the strange split? Mikami frowned. What if Kira was merely trying to regain himself after such a thing? And here, he'd acted so out of hand towards God's mortal flesh in the interim... It was inexcusable.

He spared a glance at Light as he threw a few more items into the bag.

Kira or _not_ Kira, he'd admitted to himself how much he desired the brunette. It manifested itself differently, depending on the being in control, but it was just as strong. With Kira, he had to be ever so cautious, waiting for that sharp voice to crack upon his ears with displeasure and rejoicing when it did not. With Light, the gloried shine dimmed enough to show that he was human.

_Stunning_, but human.

Vulnerable.

The feeling of Light in his hands... it had been more affecting than he'd thought. Seeing such helpless fear and frustration on the face he marked as Kira's... It had been nearly as thrilling as Kira himself allowing him close.

What would he choose, were it presented before him: the human or the mad god?

Would he always fear Kira, and death at Kira's hand? Or could he hope to gain his trust and favor?

Could the human counterpart be made to accept him, even without chains?

It was not, however, his choice to make. Whatever version the brunette became, it was important only that Mikami was with him and that no one would stand in their way.

He looked upon Light and the pathetic state he was in with sympathy. The boy's face was ashen. Mikami stroked his hair gently, a light, comforting touch. "Just one more thing and we can go." Once they were underway, he could take measures to see that the brunette got to feeling better. The bottled water was all they could manage until they were out of the immediate area. A drugstore would be a feasible stop sometime after.

"I don't think I can," Light said with difficulty. "Need to lie down." He had a hand to his head.

Mikami kept him upright, and knelt before him. He forced Light's eyes to his. "You're Kira. If you stay, they'll kill you." Light looked dizzy as well as in pain. His eyes were drifting as they squinted partially closed. "Do you understand?"

"Didn't before..." Light said in a faint voice.

---

The concern on Teru's face didn't make sense to Light. He thought he remembered the man doing... something... to him earlier. Something bad? Something... he didn't know. His head began to hurt when he tried to think of it.

But how could the man believe he was Kira? That didn't make any sense either. He wasn't a murderer. Kira was a murderer, a sociopath... he'd been helping the investigation that was working to _stop_ Kira... He couldn't be a murderer...

_Kill you..._

Something about that rang a bell.

Where had he been before Teru took him away?

Wasn't he being held against his will? ((Kira.)) For... ((KIRA.)) He didn't know the reason why, but he supposed being a suspect in a murder case would make some sort of sense, though it seemed outlandish. But, he remembered someone there with him...

Black hair... dark eyes... Ryuuzaki.

Yes, Ryuuzaki. A detective who was working on the case. _He_ didn't want Light dead. At least, Light didn't think so, but the name recalled a painfully tight feeling in his chest. It made him uneasy. They'd been fighting.

_Did_ Ryuuzaki want him dead?

---

Mikami left Light's side.

He did not know for sure that anyone would try to kill the brunette if he were to be recaptured, but the information couldn't hurt if it motivated Light to come quietly.

The last thing he needed was the notebook which he had hidden in the cabinet beneath the sink, behind a piece of particle board backing that he'd loosened up.

Upon experimentation, he'd discovered that ink used in the death note, and the death note itself, were impervious to water. It was something useful to know, when considering out-of-the-way hiding places. Trying to write within a soggy death note was, however, annoying at best.

Once he had that in his bag, he could sling Light's arm around his neck and help him out of here...

Mikami walked out of the bedroom and froze.

In between the living room and the foyer stood a wild-haired spectre with white skin and flashing red eyes.

"You," he said in a strained voice, disbelieving his eyes, though he knew their perception was accurate. This was bad. Very bad.

It smiled viciously. "Mikami Teru."

---

Light heard a voice in the living room. It did not sound like Teru, but he wasn't sure.

He felt a moment of fear, thinking that the apartment had been overtaken by whoever was after the dark-haired man and, apparently, himself, but pushed his body to make it to the doorway. If they wanted him dead, he was dead already.

Dizziness skewed his vision and twisted his stomach. He leaned against the wooden door frame.

If someone was there, he could not yet see them past the dark-haired man's shoulders.

Then, Teru shifted, and he saw it.

---

Mikami turned as he heard a sharp intake of air from the vicinity of the bedroom. Light.

"R-Ryuuzaki?"

There, in the stuttered, false name of the intruder and in the expressions crossing Light's face as the brunette looked past him, was everything Mikami needed to know - L Lawliet, a look of vengeance and possessiveness on his pale face, was the enemy to all he held dear. The threat he'd told Misa to beware of. The threat Kira himself had ambiguously warned him from remedying.

This man...

This man had been his competition all along.

The superior look in his black-rimmed eyes said it was so - confirmed it. The sudden upward tilt to his lips, infuriating to behold, told him that this man had known his God in ways Mikami had only ever dreamed.

Slick, polluting anger filled him.

_Delete._

Light was his. Kira was his God alone...

_Delete. Delete._

His voice... his lips... his body... they couldn't belong to another. They were meant only for the most devout - those that would work to support his vision, not those that would tear it down! Not those who sought to destroy him! Or was that their plan? To tear Kira apart from every angle like wolves, defiling and corrupting every piece of him until he was nothing? This was their thanks for a pure world?!

"You!" Mikami snarled, jealous rage fountaining in his blood, the feel of Light's skin so fresh in his mind, the taste of him... "I should have killed you when I had the chance!" The taste of _him_ rested lightly on his tongue like communion, like promises, and this man sheared through that like a wicked scythe; L Lawliet would destroy it all. He wanted Light and his eyes spoke of death.

"No!" Light shouted as Mikami made a break for the notebook.

---

Light thought at first that Teru was going to attack Ryuuzaki physically, a fight that would definitely be in the more well-built man's favor. Ryuuzaki seemed to as well, because his slighter body tensed at the other man's fast approach, but the lawyer veered before reaching him, darting into the kitchen.

_The notebook!_ Light knew, somehow, that a notebook was hidden there. He scrambled after the dark-haired man, ignoring everything else. It didn't make sense, but he knew that it allowed the one using it to kill. He had to stop this! Vertigo washed through him, making him clumsy. "No!" He wasn't going to make it.

---

Mikami wondered moments later why he didn't just go for the scrap of the notebook he kept in the leftmost kitchen drawer that contained notepads and pens. But it was too late to change now. He wrenched the cabinet under the sink open and ripped away the loose board, triumphant fingers closing upon the death note and the pen conveniently clipped inside of it.

Delete!

He flipped it open before either of the others could reach him, and started scrawling the name with quick strokes.

Delete, delete, _delete!!_

His hand spasmed on the 'a' and he dropped the pen.

_No..._

Harder this time, the pain in his chest made him double over. He glared up at the man he'd tried to kill. His pale face was expressionless, his gaze shadowed; he might well have been a god of death for all the humanity he possessed. "How?" The man had the eyes, the red glow to them made it obvious to his own enhanced eyes. Just as the Shinigami's gaze appeared to be overlaid with a film like backlit blood, so were the eyes of those that had made the trade. But how could L Lawliet kill without a notebook? Without even a _scrap_ of it? _HOW?!_"What did you..."

The world listed then, and Mikami felt cool tile press against his cheek. He barely registered that he'd collapsed on the floor. The pain shredding his chest was unbearable.

"Don't touch him," was all the black-haired man said in response. His words were meant, not for Mikami, but for the brunette who had dropped to his knees before him.

The last thing Mikami saw as his vision grayed was Light, held in place by a white hand that gripped his shoulder like a vice, his face written over with shock and horror.

The last thing he thought, though the pain drove nearly everything else out of his head, was that as last sights go, it was not a bad view.

* * *

TBC

**A/N:** I would like to have a moment of silence for Teru. It was seriously, excruciatingly painful for me to see things turn out this way, and it was very difficult to write. I think that with time, he would have redeemed himself but circumstance demanded his downfall. Infatuation, and yes, even love, had twisted him, but in the end (unlike the manga) he stayed true to Light/Kira. At least the last thing he saw was Light with an expression he could construe as caring - he didn't need to know that with Light's missing memories, anyone's death, right in front of him, would have been upsetting.

**Just think.** Since L said 'Mikami Teru' before Mikami did anything, he _was_ killing him in cold blood. And, if he had not set the ball rolling, would Mikami have even tried to use the note? He was convinced kira was the source of the notebooks' power, and Kira's presence at this point was sketchy, so he probably would not have made a dive for it in the first place.

Conversely, if Mikami had not believed in Kira so devoutly, he would not have snapped, would not have wasted time molesting Light (giving L time to both receive the death note and come to the conclusion that he should trade for the eyes), and he might have had a chance at getting them out of there. Even if he was still caught by L, things would have played out quite differently and he would likely have remained living.

---

MIKAMI HATERS: I know you are out there. (You told me your little secret in reviews, haha!) Now is your chance to do a little dance over his unfortunate end. Forgive me if I do not join in the festivities, but I do hope you enjoy yourselves as you have suffered his presence for several chapters. :) Now the focus will be solely on L and Light again. (I do look forward to this, greatly.)


	32. Flight: Part 2

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 32: Flight: Part 2)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

**A/N:**Love me for not leaving you with that cliffhanger for another week. 0_0

* * *

Chapter 32:

L held firmly to Light's shoulder. The last thing they needed was to leave a mark of their passing over the body, such as hair or any other seemingly diminutive shred of evidence. It was bad enough that Light had been here for days and that it would be obvious to any who came to check up on the circumstances of the man's death.

As it was, there would not be time to erase Light's existence from this place but they could take care to leave as small an imprint as possible so there was less to cover up. He would have to call in more favors, favors he was rapidly running out of for the first time, just to keep forensics from bringing out the truth and interring it in a file where it would then pass into common knowledge for those that would be working the case.

L had utilized quite a few resources to track Light down and stake out the place after the signal from the trackers came up 'lost'. He'd gotten interference with the signal when Mikami had, he surmised, taken Light indoors. The last known coordinates placed him in this vicinity, which was helpful only in determining the building, but not which apartment the two were located in. It was a large structure and it would take time to narrow down his precise location.

They came in through the east entrance but that did not mean the apartment would be located on that end, for Mikami had showed time and again that he thought ahead and took pains to evade pursuit and detection at every opportunity. So, L started at the beginning, running a list of all of the tenants, screening out the females, and the males who were underage or over 40.

This left roughly 60 individuals. The names were of no particular assistance, as Mikami had been as careful on that account as he had been about leaving no voice records at the hotel. But an extracurricular search had dredged up more or less personal photographs of the residents which allowed them to narrow it down to 20 possibilities. They couldn't be sure their suspect was not wearing a wig at the time he was caught on video, so facial structure had been the deciding factor.

The minute the trackers had started to move after such a long stasis, L knew that his quarry had given himself away. Whether the man was taking taking flight with Light in tow, or whether he had discovered the trackers and was disposing of them, the only difference was the was in which they apprehended him.

It was lucky that the man seemed unaware of the interference most trackers encountered within buildings, which usually weakened their signal to the point of uselessness, or they might not have found him this quickly. Nor would L have had such a golden opportunity to even the score personally.

They matched the signal to the man, and from there to the tenant photo, apartment number, and the name. Number 247. Mikami Terunaru. Being the second Kira, however, L doubted the accuracy of the name.

Unfortunately, since Light was not supposed to exist, it would have gotten tricky when it came to sending the tails, which he'd used to flush the man out with, off under false pretense so he could put his retrieval plan underway. However, Mikami's movements had been unwittingly helpful on that account.

They had been set to move in during Mikami's absence, but after the death note had dropped onto the floor in front of L, in the unmarked surveillance van he was in with Aiber, the retrieval plan had taken a different turn. One that made it even more essential that as few people as possible knew of this.

To take the law into his own hands... to use Kira's method of killing... to be caught at that was unthinkable. But he couldn't let the law have Mikami.

Mikami had known his name and it was only a matter of time before L would have been the one dead.

---

"Thank you, Aiber," L said shortly, letting the hidden microphone carry that last bit of information before turning it off. It was finished. There would be a car waiting for them on the other side of the apartment building. He shook Light's shoulder. "We're going."

"You... killed him," Light said woodenly.

"Yes." Technically, Aiber had killed him; but as L had specified the terms of death as well relaying Mikami's true name to the blonde man, it seemed splitting hairs to say he hadn't, just because he didn't write that bit.

L kept his face blank as Light, without memories of the death note, looked up at him. It was _because_ L had the eyes that he knew this was so - that the notebook given to him by the Shinigami Ryuuk was in no way connected to the brunette any longer and that he _had_lost his memories of it. He was a pillar of stoicism to the wide, disbelieving gaze.

He'd made the trade for the Shinigami eyes after much internal debate, and after putting many questions to the black-winged Shinigami. Ryuuk told him the notebook could be lent out, and L tested this by way of Aiber. If Light had supposedly given up his claim to being Kira, L had to know for certain. So, it was only through the eye deal that he could be assured Light was in possession of no notebooks whatsoever. Unlike with the man on the grey tiled floor, L had been able to see the shadowy figures of a life span over Light's head.

L felt the tremor beneath his hand as amber eyes searched his, darting in small movements as if he could thereby assess things more quickly, thus gaining understanding. He knew before the brunette started to speak that he was going into shock. "But, how? Y-you didn't do anything... and he..."

L didn't feel anything less than satisfied when he surveyed the collapsed body of Mikami Teru. Because of the actions he'd detailed in the death note, the man had been driven to uncover his own notebook in an attempt to kill him and yet would, unfortunately, die of a heart attack before he could complete the name. It had all worked flawlessly. Now L had the second Kira's notebook, he had Light, and he had removed the person that had been a threat to them both.

The only thing he regretted was that Light was looking at him as if he were some kind of murderer. Which he was, he supposed, but that was a severe case of pot calling the kettle.

"Yagami-kun," he said sharply, trying to stop the trainwreck that was occurring in the recently-made-pristine innocence of the brunette's mind. _You may not remember, but you have done much worse._ Oh, but he couldn't say that. It would be best if Light never remembered being Kira, and no one ever brought it up. The incarceration would be difficult to explain, but that could come later. "We need to leave. Right now."

His voice was harsher than he would have liked, judging by the reaction it was gaining him from the younger boy, and his manner more brusque, but he was not in the mood to coddle.

They really were working within a time constraint here.

"I don't trust you," Light said as if realizing it as he spoke. His wide eyes were shading with suspicion.

Oh, the irony of that little statement. But L was too close to his wit's end to appreciate it properly.

"For fuck's sake," he spat, yanking the brunette up by the arm. "You don't trust anyone."

"Well, not if they kill people in front of me in cold blood, I don't!"

"It wasn't in cold blood; he would have done the same." L tried to be patient, but this reversal of roles was starting to mess with his head. Here it was, his first criminal offense (totally justified, by the way) and he was risking getting caught because the serial mass murderer he'd been trying to rescue was _upset._ "I'll explain in the car. Come on."

Light tried to pull out of his grip, his eyes narrowing. "How do I know you didn't just do something to make it look that way? Or that you won't do the same to me?"

The brunette's mind was starting to function properly again, L could see it. Light didn't know anything about the notebooks or the specifics of this situation, but he was, nevertheless, able to infer a great deal and piece things together. Typically, L held a great respect for this process, but right now it was impeding their flight and putting them at risk. Light's suspicious nature was coming through and he was perceiving L as a dangerous 'unknown' entity. A threat.

L's grip on Light's arm tightened until the other boy winced. If he had to club Light over the head to get him out of here, he would.

"Let me put it this way, Yagami-kun. If we stay here any longer, we will be arrested and charged with manslaughter. Even if they cannot immediately prove anything, we stand to face many lovely years in prison. The lesser evil, of course, would be you trusting me enough to get us out of here. The police are a certainty. My killing of you is merely a paranoid inference. Be reasonable."

Light glanced at the body on the floor, no doubt worrying that he, too, would soon share a similar fate. "We were fighting before," he said, as if testing the truth of it. Wary amber eyes flicked to his, waiting to assess his response. His face was starting to become a mask, all the emotion bleeding from its surface.

L thought it odd that Light's normal memories seemed muddied. As far as he was aware, only memories pertaining to the death notes should be affected. L recalled saying to the other boy, _'Don't make me kill you.'_ Was it that bluff what he was thinking of? "Yes, we were, but I swear that killing you never entered my mind. Beating you, perhaps, but not killing."

Light took that piece of superfluous honesty at the end like he was supposed to, and finally acquiesced.

L moved past him and took the hand-towel off of the oven's chrome handle, using it to push the white under-the-sink cabinet door shut so as not to leave fingerprints. He kept it in hand, as he would need it for the front door's knob as well, and gingerly picked up the death note and pen. The pen he slipped into his pocket, the notebook, he tucked into the back of his jeans.

"Please do not consider running once we are outside," L said in a businesslike voice, slanting a glance at the brunette. "My people are everywhere, and I would rather you not get shot." It was an untruth, but the other boy seemed flighty and the lie might serve to keep him in check.

Light's eyes widened as if he had been idly considering it. "Of course not."

The tone of their interaction, and Light's behavior on the whole, was disquieting. He knew Light would be different when he next saw him, as he had given up the death note and his memories, but L hadn't quite anticipated _this_. The disconnect he felt between them was severe. They had all the trust between them as was a befitting a pair of strangers.

L had no way to lock the door behind them, but considering it had been unlocked when he went though it in the first place, he didn't worry about it. He _had_ had Wedy on standby in case he needed to break in, but it had not been necessary.

L stalked down the hallway to the stairs, leaving Light to follow him as a show of faith, but glancing back now and then to make sure he was keeping pace. He waited on the landing of the first flight for Light to catch up. The brunette was moving slower than L would have expected. It didn't seem to be out of any devious intent, however. Among other things, it worried L.

"Are you ok?" he asked.

He'd wanted to assess Light's condition earlier, but it just wasn't the time for that. He'd noticed a small red mark just under the brunette's collarbone, and another on the side of his neck that made him feel even more vindicated that Mikami Teru was no longer breathing. But he couldn't ask about that yet, so he clenched his teeth and pushed it from his mind for the time being.

"I... headache," Light mumbled, pausing at the top of the stairs. "Sorry. It's been making me dizzy." He put a hand on the railing for support and edged down. Discomfort lined the mask Light had been wearing. His complexion had paled somewhat.

Concern darted through L at the sight, breaking through his insistent need to hurry. "Wait. I'll help you."

"I'm fine."

L quickly went back up the steps. "No, you aren't," he said firmly, without the sharp edge his voice had adopted in recent events. "Let me help you." Bracing Light's other arm at the elbow, he encouraged a quicker pace down the stairs, catching him when he stumbled.

Perhaps it was his change in tone, or that Light's sickness was making him feel reliant on L, but the dissonance between them eased.

"You know," Light said through gritted teeth, "elevators are one of the 20th century's great marvels."

"I'm quite aware," L said in an airy tone befitting Light's attempt at humor, relieved that Light was starting to act more like himself again. "But it hardly seems worth the bother for only two floors."

"Speak for yourself," Light said weakly, leaning more heavily on L's arm.

"You aren't going to be sick, are you?" L fretted.

"Hopefully not."

_'Headache',_ he'd said. The more L thought of it, the more he wondered if this was one of _those_ headaches, the ones Light used to get seemingly as a byproduct of his personality trying to split.

"Almost there. Just a few more stairs." If Light's MPD was acting up, that would explain the headache, his paleness that hinted at nausea, the dizziness and even the mild amnesia, for Light did not seem to be recalling everything properly.

It had been a while since he'd last mentioned having one... As far as L knew, the headaches had stopped once Light had come to terms with his darker side, though that had caused problems of a different sort. Had something happened in the past two days to bring another personality out? Had it been the Kira one, or had it been something else entirely?

Multiple personalities often manifested when the person having them was unable to cope with something. The shift would occur, and the other personality would take control until the situation or cause of the distress was past. It was entirely possible that Light could form more than one personality, but without having observed it himself, L would probably not be able to determine such a thing.

Thankfully, they made it down the stairs intact, and out of the building; Light had yet to be sick, though if that changed, at least it was grass that would bear the insult. Light leaned heavily upon him and the warm, solid weight was reassuring to L. He'd missed the closeness more than he could put voice to.

Foreign as it would have been to him such a short time ago, he found he wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms about the other boy, to hold him until the nausea and weakness passed. He would do no such thing, of course; as unsure as he was regarding how to go about such practices, he was equally uncertain about the sort of reception it would be met with.

The inconspicuous cream-colored vehicle Wedy had rented to collect them was still waiting.

Waiting to be towed that is.

The blonde woman, resplendent in her white, Russian trooper-style fur cap and her large, movie star glasses was arguing with a man who looked like he wanted to give her a ticket. L cringed. If he had been a police officer, this whole affair could go quite sour. Not only for the time they happened to be leaving a murder scene, which would make them suspects, but for the unthinkable fallout that would be incurred if the officer were to recognize Light.

It seemed as if the man was an ordinary citizen, not-so-politely informing a brassy foreigner that she could _not_ park her vehicle at the curb and disrupt traffic, even if it was just for "a teeny moment." His cell phone was out and at the ready. She suggested that since she was only blocking one lane of a four lane street, for the briefest speck of time mind you, that _**he**_ was the one making a scene and proving himself to be an un-marriageable busybody with nothing better to do. She punctuated her speech with curses in Russian, while her Japanese remained rather polite. She'd always liked the Russian language, though she was not a native speaker. She pursed her red lips with a disgusted frown as he added his piece to the tirade of insults.

When she spotted L and Light from the corner of her eye her lips curved up in a smile. She fluttered a little wave at them, calling to them with a Russian endearment, then beamed at the man, announcing that her sick friend had finally dragged his carcass outside and that she would be on her way.

To the man's confusion, she pressed what looked like a business card into his hand, pulling her glasses down to wink at him as she said he should call her some time. This flustered him (or possibly scared him) and not being able to withstand the force of her smile, he stammered something unintelligible before scuttling off.

That taken care of, the smile faded and Wedy's face resumed its typical, austere manner. "Took you long enough," she said, her voice coolly aloof; giving the impression of someone waiting for their nails to dry. She opened the back door for them. "He was threatening to have me towed."

"Thank you, Wedy."

It seemed their tardiness had made her anxious and with good reason. Much longer and she would have been forced to leave them there. He was grateful she had been able to stall the man.

She hmphed and closed his door. "I lose so many fake business cards that way," she commented as she slid into the driver's seat.

As the blonde woman pulled the car out into traffic, she reached for something on the passenger's seat then tossed it back to L. L caught the dark slip of cloth.

"If I'm not mistaken, you'll be wanting that," Wedy said, referring to the blindfold. "Oh, and I do believe a raise is in order for both Aiber and myself."

Sometimes it was a pain that two of his best people worked as a pair. Since Aiber knew about the death note so, by default, did Wedy. He'd have to pay both of them off to keep his use of it from Watari. It wasn't a problem, as they were not unreasonable with their monetary requests and had proven their worth time and time again; It was just annoying at times.

"Right. We'll talk later." He really should cover Light's eyes so he would not be aware of their location. He felt bad about it though. Light still looked rough, like he was barely holding his stomach in check.

The brunette in question had his head tilted back against the seat. His eyes were closed, but he cracked one open as he sensed the atmosphere. L held up the cloth apologetically.

Light made a sound of indignant disgust; apparently he felt a blindfold to be overkill in his current state. "Fine, fine, whatever you need." He closed his eyes again. "If I move from here, however, I think we'll all be sorry."

"Point taken, Yagami-kun."

L placed the fabric over his own eyes and tied the knot loosely, a good approximation for fitting the brunette, and slipped it off again. Then he unfastened his seat-belt and scooted across the seat, his thigh touching Light's as he turned the blindfold in his hands to a workable position and prepared to slip it on.

He paused before placing it over the brunette's eyes, allowing himself a moment to remap Light's features in his mind, tracing the high cheekbones, the long lashes and the sweep of silky hair. Relief and anxiety swirled in his chest as he looked at Light, slightly overwhelmed by the knowledge that he had almost lost him.

Mikami had almost succeeded in spiriting the brunette away from him. It was like knowing your arm was going to be removed in surgery, working to shift your mind from the reality of it so that you could get through each coming day, then having the flood of relief and backlog of freaking out that came when you were told you wouldn't have to part with it after all. Only he was pretty sure by now that he valued Light over either of his arms and would rather part with one of them if given the option.

"What is it?" Light asked.

Light was watching him warily as L came back to himself.

He felt a stab of dismay as any warmth those eyes typically held for him, even when the brunette had been at odds with him, was either covered up by mistrust or gone entirely. He berated himself for fixating on it, but he feared that something irrevocable had changed. _He's potentially been through a lot. Don't start analyzing everything now._

L faked a bland look. "I was contemplating the likelihood of you making a fuss were I to mess up your hair. You're so particular about the oddest things like that."

"How nice of you," Light remarked drolly, closing his eyes again. He didn't sound convinced. "Mark that upon my gravestone when I expire, would you? _Here lies Yagami Light. He had nice hair._"

L had meant it as a joke, but then he supposed Light did as well; however, instead of lightening the tension, it was having the opposite effect.

He bit his lip and held the wider part of the blindfold up to Light's eyes. Still present was the ill-formed desire to hold him close, to in some way alleviate the gnawing hole he'd felt in Light's absence. But he had also hesitated because he had gotten the distinct impression that the other boy did not want to be touched. An impression that was validated by the utter stillness Light fell into as L slipped the other end of the blindfold over the crown of his head.

"Can you lift your head a moment?" L asked, his mouth feeling dry.

This tiptoeing, this lack of knowledge about what had occurred the last few days was eating at him. _Is this distance all I can expect from him with his memories removed? Or is this behavior circumstantial?_ Is it Mikami's death that is affecting him or the MPD-induced amnesia?

Did Light even recall what passed for a relationship between them? Or, without Kira, would it not have even happened?

Light didn't speak, merely lifted his head the required amount.

Blindfold now in place, L retreated back to the other side of the car.

The thought that he may never interact with Light in the same way again panicked him. He tucked his feet up onto the car seat and hugged his knees.

_I just killed a man._The thought came unbidden, drifting morbidly to the surface of his mind like a bloated corpse, the gravity of it becoming all too real between one moment and the next. L had given Light all the proper, logical justifications, but in the end, it had been jealousy that had reddened his hands. Jealousy and spite were what made him use the notebook. He'd wanted the satisfaction of knowing that _that_ man - infatuated as he had appeared to be with Light in those surveillance tapes - could no longer touch the brunette, willing or no.

How, then, was he different from Mikami?

Mikami had killed for Light. And now, L had killed for Light. Both of them had been doing what they felt they needed to do.

And in doing such a thing, then being denied the sort of reunion he had been hoping for when he realized Light had given up being Kira (for him?), he felt guilt, remorse and shame.

Not for the act itself, but for the reasons behind it. It had been necessary if he wanted to stay alive to remove the threat Mikami presented, but there were other ways, less certain ways. The police. Jail. Jealousy may have motivated his action, but he _had_ chosen the most effective route for maintaining his own safety, and he desperately wanted Light's approval.

Despite his abusiveness, the Light that housed Kira had talked of preserving him... But the Light that was here with him now saw killing as an abomination.

And it was. _It was._

It was horrifying and abominable, and yet it had been necessary.

_Necessity..._had that been the driving force behind Kira's justifications? For Kira's vision of a perfect world was not evil. But killing _was_ evil, and if evil must be done to achieve this utopia... did necessity beget action?

A chuckling caught L's attention. The Shinigami.

"How does it feel to be on the other side?" Ryuuk asked with amusement, lounging in the place between himself and Light. He swiveled his great, toothy head to stare L in the eye from a scant distance of 5 inches away.

L was grateful he could not smell anything from the shark-like maw or from the death god in general, because if looks were any indication, it would have been exceedingly unpleasant. The Shinigami also had a propensity for disregarding things like personal space.

He glared at it, but only to communicate that he could not communicate. Aiber was unaware of the Shinigami, so Wedy was too. As for Light... Light would have forgotten all about them.

Ryuuk mock-patted Light on the head, grinning with the knowledge that it would piss L off. "This guy used to be a lot of fun," he said wistfully. "Did you know he had a hell of a time hiding my existence from you? And he used to get so mad when I would watch your little human activities."

L ignored him. He already found it to be the most effective way of dealing with Ryuuk, even in the short time he'd spent with the Shinigami. He almost raised his brow at the 'little human activities' comment, but decided he'd rather not know.

"I liked him better as Kira," Ryuuk said conspiratorially.

L bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from responding, which he dearly wanted to do. Ryuuk had already figured out that L hated having opinions on things, only to not be allowed to express them due to other people being present. He'd done it with Aiber after L had returned to the van post-interrogation, and his running commentary during the events that followed were just as unappreciated.

L rested his head on his knees. _I'm wondering if I do, too._

"This lady has a cool hat," Ryuuk said to him. "How many little fuzzy creatures do you think died to make it?"

_Five, if it were real,_ L answered mentally with a sigh.

How long had Light put up with this thing? It was no wonder he went a little crazy.

"I'm hungry. Got any apples?" Giggle.

_**No.**_

"You sure?"

_**Yes.**_

"You're answering me in your head and it's annoying you." Ryuuk grinned in his face. "_Isn't_ it?"

L started banging his head into his knees, to the chorus of Ryuuk's cackles.

"You ok, L?" Wedy asked from the front after several moments of this.

"Fine," he responded. He glared at Ryuuk.

"Tell me how annoying it is," the black-winged Shinigami suggested with a leer, "and I'll leave you alone for a while."

_Promise?_

"I promise." It's yellow eyes rolled for emphasis. It was disgusting.

_Fine_, L thought, if only he could get it to go away, he'd risk sounding mental.

"It is _**the**_ most singularly _annoying_ thing," L said, "in the existence of EVER." Acid and vitriol dripped off of every word. He had to make it count, you see, or else Ryuuk would not be satisfied. Plus, it was liberating to asked to speak his mind so directly to the source of his irritation.

Ryuuk looked rather flattered at that. L wished he could kick it.

"Er, what is?" Wedy asked, glancing at him via the rear view mirror with knitted brows.

L almost said _'nothing'_. "LIFE," he said instead.

"Oh." She paused. "Well, that's not very optimistic of you," she admonished him off-handedly.

"It occurs to me," Ryuuk said with a giggle, "that it would be to my _utmost_ entertainment to view your reaction were I to **break** my word."

"Wedy, are we there yet?" L asked desperately, around the thumb he was biting to hold in his scream of existential anguish.

* * *

TBC

**A/N:** _Continued from last chapter..._

As for L, it is interesting to see how little killing someone really bothered him. If he had not been on the side of good (by happenstance) he might have made for an exceptional criminal mastermind.

A lot of assumptions are made about L's conscience by the people around him in the manga, that he is firmly and wholly 'good', for instance. I don't believe that to be the case.

I tried to display that in this fic as well since Light is always getting smacked with TEH EVIL label, and L is seen as ULTIMATE GOOD... but hell, if you have to _remind_ yourself that killing is _probably_ evil... then you are probably not as 'good' and 'white-light' as you could be.

In the manga, L mentions that he and Kira are alike. A _lot_ alike. It seems to me that he never condoned or condemned Kira's actions, he simply acknowledged Kira as an opponent - and once the game was on, he was determined to beat him and prove himself to be superior.

Ramble ramble.

If I am not coherent, it is because I wrote 2 full chapters in essentially 3 days. :O (dies)

Well, well, at least Ryuuk seems to be having fun. ;P

Are we there yet? Are we there YET???!!!!!!!!!!!!


	33. Misgiving

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 33: Misgiving)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

**A/N:** Why won't this story end? :O Looking back, there were so many author's notes where I was convinced the conclusion was right around the corner!

I'll let you in on a secret though - I have no control over this story. (!!!) The DN boys dictate what is to be written, and I record it. It all began when Light manifested his MPD (multiple personality disorder) for the first time ((leading to him getting tasered)). I realized then that what I had planned for the end would not occur, and that much more story had yet to take place. Several times, this has happened. (Mikami's entrance for instance). So.....yeah. It ends when it ends, but I an working to wrap it all up with a neat little bow. And confetti. (and moar pr0n)

You know, it is very hard to write Light without his memories. (He has lost his total!freak vibe, yet that sharpness he has to his character was present underneath the obedient schoolboy persona all along, so that will come back to the fore in time.) And L, of course, must be written differently as well in his interactions with him. Oi. Personality changes after 30+ chapters. Egad. This is life though - most people are not stagnant, and interact differently depending on the individual they are around. happyfunyayz.

**A/N 2:** For those of you who are concerned about Light seeming to forget L...

He hasn't. Not really. It will become more clear, but in his disorientation, he was a bit poleaxed. He'll sort out his head and everything will come back into focus. MPD really can cause amnesia, sometimes only temporary, and Light is slow to piece things together as Kira was very much a part of his interactions with L. Kira formed to take away his guilt and accountability, so his brain is now taking a new detour in Kira's absence and hazing over things like his raping of L. So, he remembers the discordance between them, and the fighting, but not quite _why_ it occurred.

**Ah....... I hope you enjoy the update! :S**

**((reviews are love))**

* * *

Chapter 33:

Ryuuk was true to his word. Rather, his last words. He was immensely gleeful the entire time they remained in the car.

L made a mental note never to trust anything the Shinigami said _ever_ again.

Before Wedy stopped the car, L requested that she give him just a moment, once they'd arrived. She looked puzzled, but agreed, waiting in the car with Light. He got out, not being able to stand the confines of the car any longer, then tapped on the trunk, indicating he wanted it open. The latch released and he hiked it open, only then speaking to the Shinigami in a low voice.

"Did you have fun, Ryuuk?" he asked pleasantly.

The black-winged Shinigami hovered in the air next to him as he rooted around in the trunk for the bag he'd left there. He had thought of the blindfold, prior to having it tossed to him by Wedy, only he'd neglected to move it to a more convenient location. It had been in the dark blue bag along with a few other items.

"Er...yes?" The death god sounded perplexed, obviously expecting him to act annoyed.

L unzipped the bag after finding it amidst Wedy's other things. He picked out the blackened sunglasses he had been feeling around for and held them up as if to examine them, saying, conversationally, "Would you say that you enjoyed it _more_ or less than a steady supply of apples?"

While the Shinigami seemed to consider this with grave concentration, L located the hat that was also within the bag then zipped it closed. Not deeming it necessary to continue the conversation after having made his point, he slammed the trunk closed and got back into the car.

"Drive around to the rear entrance," he told Wedy. "But first, circle the block." He didn't need any curious onlookers paying them any mind. It wouldn't have been necessary if he had had the bag riding in the car with them in the first place, but he had been too distracted to think of it earlier. He wondered if Aiber had suggested Wedy look for the blindfold in the bag he'd stowed, knowing that part of the plan. She would have called him as a heads-up when L had not returned in his estimated time frame.

"All right."

Light was silent beside him.

L had thought they would be passing this time differently... he'd anticipated questions, accusations, but not this stillness. Certainly he had planned to explain things, as he had previously promised, but it was not something he had looked forward to, so he was loath to bring it up himself. Was the brunette sullenly humoring him by going along with this, and felt explanations would be useless lies? Or perhaps Light merely did not wish to discuss anything in front of Wedy, a stranger?

L chewed at his thumb. _How many times have I wished for Kira to no longer be a part of Light? How many times have I hurt or felt fear when suffering his attentions? _His entire manner had been becoming unstable up until now. Even after Kira stepped back into the shadows of his soul, Light had exhibited some of the same brutality in his behaviors. When they got close, his eyes practically glowed with the need to control, possess, and _hurt_.

Kira wanted to seduce him and then rip him apart, bathing in his blood and turmoil.

Light, with the Kira aspect pulled back into himself, was possessive, forceful, and dominating - showing only slightly more consideration for him, but never stopping when it would keep him from what he wanted. Even if he might feel some guilt later over his actions, he would still resort to such rough measures as rape.

L curled up more tightly upon the seat, teeth firmly pressing into his thumb.

Both of them were very dangerous people.

Yet in some perverse way, he felt needed and desired by them. When their eyes fixed on him, he knew that nothing else mattered to them in that moment. As scary as their attention could be, as painful and nerve-wracking and violating as it was... part of him craved it.

_It is better for everyone if Kira is gone_, he reassured himself. _The world is a safer place.__** I **__am safer - no longer having my mind warped into accepting such twisted feelings nor being forced to accept such untenable actions being taken upon my person._

Kira, being so tied up and intertwined through Light's being, would have a vast impact on the personality of Light were he to be removed entirely. Even though Kira was a collection of behaviors that Light naturally possessed - they were borne of and exacerbated by circumstance and time. With Light's memories of the death note being removed, those parts of him were silenced and, as of yet, had no reason to come to the fore.

Light would now be the most docile and most wholly pure that L had ever seen him.

When the dust of this reconstruction had settled, what sort of person would Light be?

Which of his morals that Kira had degraded would become important to him again, aside from his respect for life? Would relations with another male suddenly become abhorrent to him? Unthinkable? Had Light given up the death note for him, only to unwittingly sabotage what they had between them? Wouldn't that be ironic? As ironic as everything else...

"Yagami-kun, we've arrived," L said as the car turned in at their destination.

L couldn't help the formal address. The old Light would have gotten angry with him for imparting distance between them, but the new Light almost seemed to demand it. He hated how sick that made him feel. That the twisted mind Kira had left him with entertained thoughts of forcing Light to deal with him - of forcing a kiss to those lips and not allowing him to avoid what they had had together. This desperate possessiveness was foreign and ill-fitting.

"What do you want of me?" Light said in that soft, measured voice.

The brunette's mind and perceptions had certainly not dulled. No, never that. He could still easily address two things with one simple utterance. He'd anticipated that L would ask something of him before they were to leave the car, and he must also have perceived L's focus bent upon him.

L ached with the desire to kiss him.

He felt it in every fiber of his body.

_You were only supposed to become sane with Kira removed... I thought that was what I wanted..._

"Ryuuzaki?" Light asked quietly, blindly, turning his head towards where he expected L to be.

L's hands fisted at his sides, his eyes fixing on the sensual curves of the other boy's lips, feeling himself tilting towards them. They looked so innocent when not bearing snide mockery or lascivious intent. So soft... so full...

He brushed against them with his own, gently, the misery of the situation sharpening in his chest as the tentative touch of their mouths sparked a fierce longing throughout his body. It was a craving. He wanted... no, _needed_, to feel the brunette's closeness... he needed to soothe this restlessness and to allay his fears. He wanted to justify his actions, to know that his jealousy was not undesired.

Light did not reject the touch. His response was hesitant, however. Withholding. Uncertain.

With trepidation, L sought to make the kiss more intimate, wanting to unearth the part of Light he was familiar with. He knew that now was not the right time for this, there were so many things to consider - things to be done and yet, it was happening anyway and he could not stall his actions. He parted Light's lips and slid between them into silken warmth, feeling the brunette shudder slightly in response as he gave up his mouth to L.

Never before had Light been so complacent and demure as this - giving instead of _taking_. Aggression was absent from the movement of lips and tongue. _So different from before... as if he were another person entirely... _

"Well, now, Aiber never mentioned _that_," Wedy commented dryly from the front seat. "I'd tell you to get a room, but seeing as you already have one reserved..."

L moved away with a slight cough. He was about to reprimand the woman, but her eyes in the rear-view mirror simply looked amused, so he merely asked her to refrain from mentioning it to anyone. A quick glance at the blindfolded brunette revealed the tail end of a flush fading upon his cheeks.

It was either a good sign, or a sign of embarrassment at having such a thing witnessed. With the old Light, it would have been the former, as he did not get flustered over things such as public intimacy. But was the Kira aspect of him what made him so bold?

"Yagami-kun, I need you to keep your eyes closed for a moment."

---

Light obediently kept his eyes closed, as requested, and Ryuuzaki removed the blindfold from his eyes. His lips were still tingling from the unexpected kiss, and the feelings it had evoked. The touch of the dark-haired boy's hands upon either side of his head, wrapping around to undo the knotted cloth, did much the same.

He was beginning to remember things with greater clarity.

More and more of his history with Ryuuzaki was spilling into his head. Things that seemed impossible to have misplaced.

It was terrifying to have one's memory be so clouded and surreal. To remember the gist of a thing with no events with which to back it up was disorienting.

Once in the silence in the car, he'd opted for using the time to think instead of asking Ryuuzaki endless questions. Some of it he would figure out for himself. Questions could come later.

His mind had fixated upon the death he had witnessed, and how the boy beside him was somehow responsible. A killer who had been keeping him under surveillance for suspicion of being a mass-murderer. At least, according to Teru, that was the case. But how much belief should he place in the words of a man who had abducted him? Abducted him and... that part was still hazy. But it was obvious that the man had harbored illicit feelings for him - his manner had spoken of it - and he had made advances on him previously.

That same manner, he felt echoed in the dark-haired boy beside him. It made him slightly anxious, and he was nearly reminded of something that had happened with Teru. He could only guess that his mind was blocking it out.

But Ryuuzaki... when he had kissed him, Light felt like he was holding his breath. It was such a tentative touch of lips, scary in its intensity and the force with which Light found he wanted to kiss him back. But Ryuuzaki was a murderer - and believed him to be one as well - how could he allow himself to act upon something like desire?

_I can't be Kira._

_No matter what Ryuuzaki thinks, and Teru thought, I am not a murderer._

Ryuuzaki baffled him in some ways. How had he come to partake in a relationship with his prime suspect? Light had mulled over it and that elusive feeling that he had wronged the detective somehow. He could remember a great deal of their interaction, of working on the Kira case, of... he felt his face redden as he recalled a plethora of instances where he and the other boy had been intimate.

He still felt somewhat disconnected from everything, but it was obvious that he cared about Ryuuzaki. A lot. And he was certain Ryuuzaki returned the sentiment...

But he could not shake the pervasive feeling that they had been fighting lately, and that it had gotten ugly. To the point where he was unsure of where he stood with the other boy and at times believed his life might actually be forfeit. What had it been about? Just _what_ had happened between them?

_**Damn it! **_The frustration reared up, blazing and acidic. _I was __**there**__! I should know these simple things!_

He clenched his fist and then loosened it._I must be patient,_he counseled himself._ I'll remember on my own. It's preposterous that I would even have to consider asking anyone what happened. _

"Yagami-kun?"

Ryuuzaki seemed to have been trying to gain his attention. The formal address bothered him. When everything was fine between them, he was simply 'Light'. "Yes?"

"I said, could you put these on? Then you can open your eyes if you wish."

Ryuuzaki pressed something into his hands. Molded plastic. He felt along the edges and determined that they were some sort of glasses. He put them on, and opened his eyes, experiencing a brief moment of panic. "Why can't I see anything?"

---

L straightened the large sunglasses with the blackened lenses upon Light's face. The side panels sported wide, blackened lenses as well and would block his sight utterly. "It's ok, you are wearing sunglasses that are painted so that you cannot see through them. They are less conspicuous than the blindfold, and serve the same function."

He put a hand on Light's shoulder and urged him to lean forward so he could place the hat upon his silky hair. Between the low-hanging brim of it and the over-sized lenses, a great deal of Light's face was obscured.

L undid the brunette's seatbelt. "You are blind," he instructed, "so act accordingly. Wedy is going to escort you to the room. I would do it myself, but the whole point is to keep you from being seen, and I would attract too much attention."

Light nodded slightly. "That hat of hers is not exactly inconspicuous."

Wedy made a scoffing noise from the front seat. "What does he think I am, an amateur?" She had already traded the hat for a black, gauzy scarf which she draped and pinned in an artfully dour fashion, concealing most of her shiny, platinum blonde hair.

"It's taken care of," L said. Then, anticipating Light's next question, "Do whatever she asks, and I will be along shortly."

Light looked like he wanted to say something further, but refrained.

"If you are concerned about feeling dizzy or sick - don't be. Wedy will take you by the arm, so just lean on her if you need to."

The door on Light's side opened, and Wedy reached in to help Light out of the car. "Try to see around those glasses, and I will shoot you in the kneecaps," she told him sweetly as she pulled him to his feet.

L gave her a warning glare.

She rolled her eyes. _'Let me have at least a little fun,'_ she seemed to say. She frowned at her charge who had stiffened perceptibly. "Oh, buck up kid, I'm joking," she said to Light, thumping him squarely on the back. "I'm a professional. I'd use something much less obvious."

The door shut before L could say anything. He shook his head.

---

"L, I'm boreeeeeed," Ryuuk whined, catching up to him once he had entered the hotel through a different door than the one Wedy and Light had come through.

"Why is that?" L asked absently, only half paying attention. He'd felt it necessary to change the location in which he was going to keep Light, though it would also be cumbersome as he would have to split his time between locations. Bringing the brunette into the hotel the task force used would have been much too risky. If anyone where to happen to recognize him...

"Because you're boring me, obviously," the death god grumped.

"If you suffer from boredom, it merely means that **you** are boring."

Ryuuk flapped his wings petulantly as he thought about that.

L wondered how likely it was that he would be able to keep the death note a secret from Watari. He'd instructed Aiber to burn the single page they'd used on Mikami, a page with no other names, so that any evidence that they had used it would be destroyed. But how would he explain the second Kira's notebook, and his own partially written name? He'd have to look at it more closely later on to see what could be done, and to see if Light had been correct - that Amane Misa's name would be absent from its pages.

"Where are my apples?" Ryuuk politely inquired. "You promised me, in exchange for me not annoying you."

"Does it look like I have the ability to get them for you right now?"

Ryuuk rolled his yellow eyes, the blood-sheen looking sick upon them. "If my eyes do not deceive me, you have two legs which are attached _**and **_functional as well as more than enough arms to get me what I want."

"Thank you for that most pertinent assessment, but you're going to have to wait."

The death god screeched, then took off in a flurry of black wings, wailing as it coasted overhead in the lobby. It was hard not to wince at the racket. Anything L might have said was moot - he was not going to call out to Ryuuk and make a scene. The damn thing was just going to have to occupy itself while he settled more pressing matters.

L met Wedy near the stairs.

The blonde woman was frowning at him, her arms crossed. "You expect me to believe that kid is really Kira?" she said when he was close enough to accept the hotel room's keycard.

"Was."

She waved off the correction. "So it was the great and mighty EX-Kira that I had clinging to my arm like a drunken sailor?"

"I suppose so. Is he still feeling sick?"

"You seem awfully concerned, for you." She eyed him. "I thought this was about securing a prime suspect. Instead, it seems that the kid holds more of a personal interest than a professional one."

"It is none of your concern, Wedy."

"Oh, it isn't?"

He felt his eyes grow cold. "No, it isn't." She was starting to pry, starting to look for a way this new information might be beneficial to her, and he would not have it. "I'm not requesting that you leave this alone. I'm _telling_ you."

She leaned against the wall and inspected her nails, backing down only a little. "I've never seen you like this before. I suppose it is understandable. This is _the_ Kira, after all, the one you presumably had sentenced to death, all healthy and alive, unbeknownst to his family and the rest of the world. Quite a dirty little secret, if you ask me."

"You could always use the death note on her," Ryuuk added helpfully, returning from his flight in good humor, judging by his amused cackling.

L ground his teeth. The impossible thought had already flickered through his mind, brief though it was. He would not kill his subordinates simply because they were being difficult. He would _not_. "I will say this once, Wedy. If you wish to continue in my service, this topic will never come up again. I will also not hear of it from Aiber, or anyone else. Yagami Light is dead. Officially, I have no suspects in my retention. Are we clear?"

"My, my, L. No need to threaten me." She gave him a bland look. "You act like I was going to blackmail you or something."

L was not fooled, he had seen the sharpness of her gaze only a moment before. "Nonetheless, I felt the need to impress upon you the importance of this. If you choose to break my trust on this matter, it will absolutely not be tolerated."

She shrugged. "You know I'm loyal to you. You're one of the best employers I've had." Her red lips formed a frown then. "L... this is a dangerous game you're playing at. I hope for your sake that you know what you are doing."

Wedy pushed off from the wall and walked towards him, her duty done.

"I hope he's worth it," she said as she passed, causing L to stiffen slightly. He turned to watch her go. "Don't forget the raise though, boss," she said with a fluttery little wave.

---

L couldn't dismiss the tension crawling through his limbs as he climbed the stairs. Wedy and Aiber were unruly at times, but in this instance, it was brought home to him just how deeply he trusted them. No, not that exactly... but how much he entrusted them with. Any mutiny on their part, and it would be particularly devastating, especially now.

In the event of betrayal... would the death note seem a fair option? A _viable_ option?

He was disgusted with himself for even entertaining the thought. Even having the thing in his possession was changing his mental process, making him sympathetic to its use. Had it started this way for Light? Did the notebook hold that much sway, that it could transform someone who was extremely opposed to killing into an unrepentant murderer?

He reached the fifth floor and glanced at the numbered plaques as he moved down the hall.

Finding the room at last, he dug the keycard out of his pocket. Light would be confined to the bedroom. They hadn't had time to arrange for anything more than a quick installation of a deadbolt on the outside of that door, unlike the other hotel room.

He entered the tiny suite, seeing the key for the agreed-upon double cylinder deadbolt glinting on the diminutive table which was almost dwarfed by the lamp that sat upon it. He righted the crooked lampshade automatically as he picked up the key. It was time at last - now he could finally talk to Light without interruptions and distractions. He could asses Light's mental state, uncover the events of the past two days, and get an idea of how intact the other boy's memories really were.

L moved across the room to the bedroom door and unlocked it. Pocketing the key, he cautiously pushed the door inward. Light was laying face first on the bed, his head consumed by pillows.

"Light?" L decided to drop the 'Yagami-kun' formality now that they were alone.

No response from the figure on the bed.

L came to his side and studied him a moment. His breathing seemed fairly even. L gently rolled him over, and the brunette's body was limp, his lips slightly parted as he slept.

L decided to leave him be. He would probably feel much better upon waking. He brushed the bangs out of Light's eyes with careful fingertips as he looked down upon his beatific face.

"I think you are worth it," he said softly, recalling Wedy's words. _I've always thought you were worth it._ Even when he had been Kira, L could hardly regret having worked so hard to keep this boy at his side. Even when he felt mad or desperate, he'd never wanted to rescind the preservation of this life.

He rose and moved towards the door.

It was just as well that Light was asleep. He had things he needed to take care of such as finding a location in which to store the death notes, having a word with Aiber, and locating apples for Ryuuk who, for him, had been rather astoundingly patient. The thought of leaving the brunette for any amount of time made L jumpy, as he had only just gotten him back, but it was best to take care of things now before he woke.

---

It was dark when Light surfaced from the pillows, hair sticking unpleasantly to the side of his face. He sat up, and rubbed a hand across his eyes, feeling a bit groggy.

"You're awake," Ryuuzaki said from the other side of the room.

He was sitting in a chair he seemed to have dragged in from the common area. Light fully expected him to have a book or a laptop perched in his lap, but his hands were empty. Light just blinked at him sleepily, wondering what he could have been occupying himself with all this time. "Were you watching me sleep?"

"Yes."

Light frowned. "You realize that is not the sort of thing people usually do, let alone admit to?"

"Does it bother you?"

"A little," he admitted, then yawned.

"You must forgive me. I'm feeling impatient, but I did not want to disturb you."

"Ah..." Light looked around the room. "Different hotel this time?"

"If it wasn't, blindfolding you would have been a useless exercise." He paused. "I have removed all the literature in the suite that would have given you an idea of our location."

"Great idea," Light said flatly. L really thought he was going to try and run off? Granted, he almost had back at Teru's apartment, but he had not been in his right mind at the time - embarrassingly so. "Do you mind if I shower?"

L shifted on his chair restlessly, but waved him on. "Be my guest."

Light slid off the bed and went into the bathroom.

Upon waking, he discovered his headache had completely disappeared. With it, the cobwebs that had been obscuring his memories. There were still certain gaps, and things that did not quite make sense, but he no longer felt adrift like before. He was starting to feel like himself again. Ryuuzaki was acting oddly, however.

Light showered and brushed his teeth, the routine of it being somewhat soothing. He didn't exactly have his freedom, but it was certainly an improvement over being chained to Teru's bed for the last few days, not knowing what would become of him. He frowned. His abduction was one of the things he planned to ask Ryuuzaki about. That, Teru's death, and Kira. All were foremost in his mind.

Light wrapped the white towel firmly about his hips and secured it, then made his way out into the bedroom. Ryuuzaki had not moved from his chair and his dark eyes tracked Light across the room.

"Ryuuzaki..."

Light sat on the edge of the bed, trying to compose words properly. "I wanted to say that my mind has been... at less than 100 percent previously." That was a pleasant way to put it, he supposed, but he preferred that to admitting his previous behavior made him look like a basket case. And it seemed that he owed Ryuuzaki some sort of apology or explanation for it. "Something about the headache, I believe. I wasn't able to think clearly."

The vicious crushing of his skull certainly was the most responsible for that, the nausea as well. But... so was his shock at witnessing a murder. Was Ryuuzaki really the person he'd come to know, or was he hiding his true self all along?

L's eyes were drifting over his torso as he spoke, but moved up to his face. "I suspected as much. What do you remember about your time with Mikami Teru?"

Light felt that sour twinge in the pit of his stomach as L mentioned the man he had killed so emotionlessly. "He was... a stalker, I suppose, though I'm unsure as to how he came to know me, let alone abduct me from where I was being held." _Were you really holding me as a Kira suspect?_ He kept the question to himself, wondering what L would decide to tell him later on if he did not reveal Teru's thoughts on the matter. "He seemed as if he wasn't quite sane," Light offered. "He kept me in handcuffs, chained to his bed, and called me 'God'."

"Did he make any advances on you?" L was staring him in the eye fixedly.

Light felt slightly ill-at-ease. "I don't really recall..." but as he said that, some images drifted into his mind, kisses, a hand trailing down his stomach. He shook his head, feeling the cobwebs trying to drift down again.

"Light?" L was crouching in front of him. His eyes were sharp, prying at him as if he could see into Light's mind if he only focused hard enough. And, there was anger there... lurking in the depths of his gaze. "You remember something." He had Light's hands cupped between his, anchoring him there, grasping them more firmly to get his attention.

"Kisses, I suppose." He made the words come forth, tossing them out distractedly, trying to appease L. He didn't want to focus on this. "Maybe more. I don't know..."

L reached up and touched the side of Light's neck and his chest, just under his collarbone. "And these?"

Each touch evoked a flash of memory, lips, teeth, bound hands, struggling, the weight of someone pinning him down... Light shook his head, trying to pull his hands from Ryuuzaki's. The throbbing was starting just behind his eyes. "I can't remember - it just cuts out. Let go."

Suddenly he didn't want to be touched and wanted to avoid it at all costs.

L held tighter. "What is it?"

_A mouth at my neck and a hand trailing over my naked hip..._

"Let go." He tried to jerk his hands out of L's, feeling the frantic beating of his heart that accompanied the memories that were rising scathingly to the surface. Claustrophobic.

_My lack of control over what was happening..._

L's hands were hot over his, not releasing him but reminding him of it all, and prodding him with that intent gaze. Dragging him towards the hole in his memory.

_The feeling of being trapped, of reacting to something I didn't want...._

"I SAID I CAN'T REMEMBER!"

At last, Light was able to wrench his hands free, putting them to his head. "Jesus, Ryuuzaki," he said in a faded voice, the fierce pounding lost no time in descending fully upon him and already it was taking its toll._ Why did he have to keep pushing like that?_

"You have a headache?" L asked quietly, as if he didn't already know the answer.

"What do you think?" he snipped out.

"I'm sorry. I'll go get you something for it."

"Thanks," he said in a tone that was only halfway acidic. It was L's fault the headache had rebounded on him. But, he couldn't have known and he sounded apologetic.

"Lie down, I'll be right back."

Light didn't bother moving, just lay down on his side where he was and tried to clear his mind of all thought. Blank. White. Serene. Damn it, his towel was slipping.

L returned not too terribly long after, maybe five minutes or so, with a glass of water and some aspirin tablets.

"Here," he said, helping Light sit up enough to take them. The tablets lodged in Light's throat on the way down, dissolving and gracing him with their abhorrent, chalky taste. The weird feelings had passed, and the headache was not quite so vicious as it was only minutes before.

"You're a bastard," Light murmured, closing his eyes again. Despite his agitation at L pushing him like he had, the other boy's presence was now somewhat soothing to have nearby. Still, he felt the need to express his displeasure.

"I said I was sorry," L sounded miffed.

"I'd just gotten rid of of the damn thing."

"..."

In the silence, he could practically see L wringing his hands. "What?"

"I've already expressed my regret, I don't know what else to do."

"But...?"

"But... I want to know if this was the sort of headache you had earlier. It seemed to me that when you take your lack of memory into account, you may have experienced an episode of splitting."

"I don't have a split personality, don't be ridiculous."

There was a long pause. "You do, even if you are unaware of it. It's happened before."

"Ryuuzaki, why was I being held here in the first place?"

His memories told him it was because his father had pulled him off of the Kira investigation - he had been worried that the two of them were becoming involved and that L would take advantage of his son. L had named him a suspect in order to supersede his father's decision. But Teru's words, as unbelievable as they seemed, had echoed with a ring of truth. _'You are Kira.'_ Perhaps L really did suspect him? And what else would explain the fact that the detective had faked his death? There was something off about the whole thing. It didn't add up.

"Why do you think I was holding you?"

"You declared me to be a suspect."

"Correct."

"But you don't really _believe_ it, do you?" He couldn't. It was preposterous. Laughable even. "I haven't killed anyone. If anything, you are more guilty of being Kira than I am."

Light opened his eyes to L's silence. The detective's expression was blank. He was hiding.

"You know me, Ryuuzaki," he laughed a little to knock the desperate edge off of his voice. "You know I do not condone killing. I believe in the system and would never take a life with my own hands."

"Yes, Light-kun, I am aware."

Light frowned. "Why 'Light-kun'? What have I said that is amiss?"

"Nothing, Light. I misspoke." L stood, keeping his eyes off of Light. "If you'll excuse me, I have some things to take care of."

Light sat up, anger seeping into him. _L was lying!_ "What things?" he challenged.

L strode towards the door. "It is none of Light-kun's concern."

"The hell it isn't!" Light slid off the bed, intent on following, but his first steps faltered, and by the time he got to the door, the deadbolt slid into place.

---

_"I haven't killed anyone. If anything, __**you **__are more guilty of being Kira than I am."_

L couldn't hold in his temper any longer. Oh, how it _galled_ him to hear Light say such things to him!

If only he _**knew**_!

But he couldn't know. That was the whole point, wasn't it? Now that Light's memories of Kira were gone, to keep Kira from being a part of him he had to keep from Light the fact that he WAS Kira.

L couldn't enlighten him, no matter how tempted he was to set the record straight.

He had to make the best of this opportunity Light had given him, giving up the death note and losing his memories.

It was just so HARD. Being around Light when he was like this was like treading water. He didn't know how to proceed, and he couldn't entirely be himself because there were secrets that must be kept. This version of Light made him feel inferior in new and wretched ways. Those eyes regarded him differently, no matter how similar Light acted to his previous self otherwise. His high-handed stance on killing, his unwavering belief that nothing could sully _his_ hands...

L clenched his fists and let his head rest upon the suite's pathetic excuse for a table.

Before, it was always his social awkwardness that was the sore spot when dealing with Light. It had been difficult to bear, but in some ways, just Light's unwavering attention eased that wound. But this, _**this **_was his morality being called into question. Light viewed him to be inferior by something _he_ had done himself without remorse, countless times over. It was a great hypocrisy, formed of his absent memories. L knew this, knew that he should not take it to heart, but Light's quiet disapproval stabbed at him, ripping open a brand new wound. All the more painful that L had done it because of him. _For_ him.

And how long until Light noticed his altered behavior, and the evasions?

Light was still himself, sharp as ever. He'd no doubt started to notice.

No, he _had_ started to notice.

_But I'm being obvious. I can't just change how I address him and not expect it. I can't act the part so flimsily. _

_I have to get my head around this. I__** wanted**__ this. I asked him for this. I wished for Kira's death in him a thousand times over. I wanted to be able to manage him and keep him with me without constantly looking over my shoulder, wondering when Kira might stab me in the back. Without Kira, however Light acts will be more genuine. He can't be making a play against me, trying to falsely gain my trust, for I am no longer an enemy._

His eyes burned, an indication that he was not convincing himself. He curled his arms around his head.

Light was Light.

It was foolish to think of the past Light as _**his**_ Light, and this new Light as _not_ his. Foolish to think of the plans he and his Light had made, the knowledge they'd shared as being conspired secrets to keep from a stranger - from this new version of him. To consult the previous version in his head as if he were somehow the true one.

It was so ridiculous that these minutia were making him feel like he was cracking apart, still deprived of the Light Mikami Teru had stolen from him. _Wasn't it?_

Ludicrous, that he missed Kira's stifling embrace and that with Light in the very next room, he felt more out-of-reach than ever.

* * *

TBC

**A/N:** Poor L. :/

Looks like he misses aggressive bondage-porn!Light.

P.S. I was really trying to keep up with responding to all of your reviews, but it is proving too difficult. So, I will focus on the more in depth ones, and do my best with the others. My apologies for failing. :x

Also..... **pr0n** next chapter!!!! XD IT IS WRITTEN (and beta'd as of tonight. woo!)


	34. Digging In

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 34: Digging In)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

**A/N:** Ok, people. PITCH is up and waiting for you to grace it with your loveliness. You know I'll turn it into pervy hardcore LightxL at some point, so give it a go, yeah?. ;D

* * *

Chapter 34:

Ryuuk hummed to himself, infinitely pleased that things had turned out just as he'd planned.

L, while in some ways more difficult to handle than Light had been, was a great deal of fun.

The detective was currently sitting at the table in the suite with his head pillowed in his arms, struggling to hold himself in check. He was obviously upset and not having a good time of it.

This was the very thing Light would have been so pissed off about, had he known. That giving up his memories would have a greater effect on him than he suspected and that L would be thrown into such turmoil. For L would now be forced to endure Light's saintly persecution, or bring back the personality that had abused him so, the one which he had longed to be rid of. The choice was the true torture of it. The genius of it, if Ryuuk did say so himself.

He hadn't expected the detective to kill someone with the death note, however, especially not in front of Light - that had been an added bonus. Just the fact that L was holding Light captive and would not be able to explain why, or why he was disallowed to see anyone, would have been enough to strain the situation.

Just enough so that L might consider restoring Light's memories.

Not that he would. After all, it seemed both L and Light had deemed it for the best that Kira be forgotten. But L was still considering it and _hating_ himself for considering it.

It was delightful.

It was a choice between the deterioration and decay of the bond they had between them as the lies built upon evasions and mistrust, versus the violent and unpredictable nature of Kira.

Ryuuk did rather miss the version of Light he'd come to know, but L had become sharper in Kira's absence, more rigid, as if to make up for the lack and it was quite amusing.

Unfortunately, they seemed less prone to being entertaining in other ways.

Ryuuk drifted down from the ceiling and took up residence under the table. He giggled to himself, wondering how long it would take L to notice.

L shifted and Ryuuk popped his head up through the table to look at him. L's messy hair looked like it would be fun to play with. Maybe he could tie knots in it later when his new human wasn't looking.

"What is it, Ryuuk?"

L's dark, bland gaze rose to meet his. Ryuuk was slightly disappointed that he did not look like he'd been crying.

"Er - I'm out of apples," he said, trying for diversion first.

L glared at him balefully. He had given Ryuuk access to a near endless supply. "I'm not stupid, and neither are you. Tell me what you want, or get the hell away from me."

Ryuuk felt his otherworldly heart flutter a little as L acknowledged his intelligence. This might very well be the first human to see through his act so quickly and absolutely. It was somewhat thrilling. Even Light, who had certainly suspected as much, had never called him on it fully. He grinned. "I'm out of the _good_ ones." In addition to quantity, L had even thought to provide him with a wide variety of different apples, something he could come to love in a human.

L sat up, frowning largely as he leaned back in his chair, erasing the small stress lines that had accented his eyes until his face was a boring mask. "I'm waiting," was all he said.

Ryuuk sighed. Sometimes L was no fun at all. But he was creative death god, so he was sure he could goad L into doing something more interesting. "Whatcha thinkin' about?"

"Nothing that concerns you, obviously."

"Of course it does. Light was my former human master. He may be insufferably boring now, but that doesn't mean I don't still care."

"Indeed."

"So I was wondering how long you are going to pretend that he isn't in there wondering what you're up to? Last I checked, he seemed pissed off, kind of like how he used to be." Ryuuk giggled.

"I told him I had things to take care of," L said shortly.

"And he knows you're lying." Ryuuk leaned forward through the table and tilted his head at L with a chuckle. "Seems like honesty is still important to him, eh?"

"I can't be honest or there is no point to him losing his memories. The less he knows about Kira, the better."

"So why don'tcha just give him his memories back? He was more fun as Kira anyhow."

"I can't."

"Sure you can! Then it will be like old times. He'll jump you, you'll fight him off, and in the end you'll end up doing your little human activities, and everybody's happy." Ryuuk grinned to show that this was a good thing.

L made a sound of disgust then got up from the table.

"What?" Ryuuk said, rising out of the table to perch on top of it. "So you got hurt a little. You healed. What's the problem?"

Ryuuk tracked him as he strode across the room and exited the suite, slamming the door behind him.

The Shinigami scratched at the side of his face with a taloned finger and smiled. "Was it something I said?"

---

L returned to the hotel in which he was keeping Light several hours later. As he'd thought, splitting his time between locations - here and the hotel the task force used- was irritating. The task force was unaware that this was the case, and he was in no hurry to enlighten them to his diminished presence.

There were things he'd had to take care of... Watari being chief among them.

Watari knew all about his suspicion that the man, who turned out to be Mikami Teru, was the second Kira. He was also aware that the man had abducted Light. What he did not know was that Light had lost his memories, Mikami was dead, and that L had two notebooks in his possession.

Aiber still had Light's old notebook, for the time being, and L had Mikami's.

L would not be able to explain the aborted writing of his true name in Mikami's death note, so he decided to employ a bit of deception. Watari must never know that he used a notebook in order to kill his adversary.

L considered presenting Light's old notebook as the one Mikami used, but the names inside would not have matched the second Kira's recent activity. Ripping out all of the pages might have been a viable option, but he needed proof that this was, without a doubt, the killer's notebook. The thought of being without Ryuuk was a tempting one, but there would likely be consequences to switching death notes, and he did not know if the deal for the eyes was permanent, or upheld only with the particular Shinigami you made the trade with. He was unwilling to test it out, as he had given up half of his lifespan already and would most assuredly _not_ be repeating the process.

Half.

In the moment, it had seemed worth it. A reasonable gamble when everything had seemed to be slipping through his fingers like quicksilver. Without the trade, he might have lost Light. Without it, he might have lost his own life.

It seemed a logical choice, and let him be assured that Light was no longer in possession of a death note, but...

...half. Half of his remaining years was a hefty price. Weighty indeed, irrevocable, and necessary at the time. It stung a little to dwell upon it. He would have to avoid doing so.

Needless to say, he must keep Light's death note, and give Mikami's over for inspection. The most simple of fixes, he concluded was to rip out and destroy the page with his name and several more pages bearing the names of recent victims. He could not return to the second Kira's apartment, nor could he tamper with or search the scene, but he was fairly certain that Mikami was clever enough to have removed blank pages of the note which he could use more conveniently than the entire notebook.

This is what he relayed to Watari.

Mikami was dead when he entered the premises, Light seemed to no longer be Kira, nor did he have a notebook, and L had secured both Light and Mikami's notebook before filing a report and calling in the death to be investigated. Mikami's notebook did not bear the entirety of the names he was attributed to having killed, and L surmised that he had ripped out pages and been using them exclusively until the end. As for how L had known where the notebook was, he said simply that Mikami must have been considering using it when he collapsed. There was no pen in evidence, so it must have been directly after he'd retrieved it.

Watari accepted the reason L gave for taking the notebook - it was a _faux__ pas_ to tamper with a possible murder scene - that L did not want the notebook to be left where anyone could pick it up.

Yes, Watari was entirely accepting. It made L experience a twinge of guilt that he could not be upfront with the man, and that his lies were so easily believed.

It was too easy.

Not to say that that heralded something dark and unfortunate in the making... It was simply that he never believed it would take so little effort to deceive everyone on such a large scale. Likely it was his reputation that made it all go so smoothly - a thing he was not entirely happy about.

L instructed Watari to have Mikami's apartment searched for any blank, lined scraps of paper that could possibly be from a death note, and to have them held as evidence, if found. That, if they were able to locate any, along with the death note found in Mikami's possession, should prove enough to support his story and close the case.

The only thing Watari held reservation over was that Light had lost all memory of being Kira.

L suggested that the older man come see for himself.

There was no rush, however, as Light was still shaken from his captivity. He explained the specifics and the fact that Mikami may have sexually assaulted the brunette.

Watari frowned deeply and said that he would see Light as soon as L deemed it possible.

L climbed the hotel stairs closest to the room Light was in, preferring the less trafficked mode of ascent for the time being. There were a dozen other little things he had seen to while he was away, but none that could take his mind off of the brunette.

It had occurred to him earlier that whatever had taken place between Light and Mikami, that it was his own fault. Light had given up the death note, just as L had required of him, thus leaving himself defenseless against the Kira fanatic who was holding him captive.

Light was a master manipulator, sure to be able to handle himself and the people around him in any situation... but losing his memories had thrown him off a great deal, and he had not been functioning with all of the pertinent information at his disposal. As he was now, Light appeared defenseless when compared to his persona when Kira was present. Mikami must have taken that change as a sign to force some sort of sexual encounter, the only thing L could think of as being the cause for Light's gap in memory and how fervently he tried to avoid physical contact when he was brought closer to remembering something.

He wanted to know what had happened as much as he did not wish to know.

How far had Mikami taken things?

But only Light could relay such things now, and his mind was pushing the memories into a deep void.

L let himself into the fifth floor room, noting with satisfaction that Ryuuk had vacated the area while he was gone. The Shinigami was getting on his last nerve. In a roundabout way, he had a point, though. L either had to figure out how to keep Light in the dark and get himself used to the changes the other boy had undergone, or he needed to just give him his memories back.

He'd given that great thought.

But it was a trick of the mind that had him thinking only of the things he missed, instead of everything about Kira he had raged against, despised, and felt powerless against. As he mulled it over, a plethora of scenarios fought their way inside his head, all of the countless times he had cursed Kira and why.

This _was_ for the best. Even Light thought it was for the best, as he had been unable to control himself, or keep from inflicting damage upon L both physically and psychologically.

He must not see this as a setback in their relationship, as being forced to start over, but as an opportunity to build things up in a way that was tenable for both of them.

He was being too sensitive over the killing thing. If he gave Light time, the other boy would surely see the necessity of the act, and that he should not judge him so harshly for it. He would eventually understand. Not even 24 hours had passed after all. He had to be more patient. Light would come to understand, and that strain would disappear.

What remained difficult was the subject of Kira.

He could not keep eluding Light, and expect the other boy to take his evasions in stride. But how much could he really tell him?

He would have to wing it, he supposed, for he was already turning the key in the deadbolt that kept the bedroom door locked tight.

"Where were you?" Light lost no time in asking, the moment L moved through the doorway. His tone was stiff and unpleasant.

L twisted the key to re-engage the deadbolt and slipped it into his pocket. "I told you, I had things to take care of." Truth be told, when he had left the room previously, he'd had no such things on his mind. He simply needed to get out.

Light was sitting sullenly on the bed, his eyes narrowed in what could be taken as banked anger. "It was an excuse. I can tell when you are lying to me, Ryuuzaki."

L looked him in the eye. "I really did have things to attend to."

"What things?" Suspicion laced his voice.

"I cannot tell you at this time."

"Then how am I supposed to believe you? Perhaps you found things to attend as an afterthought, but when you left earlier, I believe it was because something I said bothered you."

And so, the act begins. L knew he would have to be very careful in the way that he handled himself from now on. Too little truth and the brunette's suspicious nature really would set them back. He rounded the bed. Too much truth was equally undesirable. Light was watching him, his eyes full of challenge. Displeased. The fight in him was certainly finding its way to the surface. L should have known he wouldn't be completely demure for long.

"I hate being lied to," Light warned.

"I'm well aware," L said and sat on the edge of the bed. He held Light's gaze, and thought of all the things he had taken care of over the last few hours. "I really did have things I had to do, and time was of the utmost importance. I apologize if I seemed too abrupt, but once thought upon, certain matters demanded to be addressed."

Light studied him, then relaxed ever so slightly against the pillows propped against the headboard. "Evasion counts as lying, even if you inject a little truth in it."

Amber eyes were more forgiving now, but still held fast to L's face.

"Your memory loss bothers me." Truth. A nice summary to the myriad of things bothering him.

"I think I have resolved the bulk of that unfortunate issue by now." Light's tone was haughty. He was confident, but not 100 percent. The slight doubt was probably eating at him. He'd always treasured his mind, and just recently, that mind had become unreliable.

"You don't remember what you've forgotten," L said quietly.

"Now that I have most of it sorted, you could enlighten me as to what I'm missing."

"Not if I wasn't there." He decided he could discuss the incident with Mikami, at the least, even if he could not mention Kira. It was safer to delve into and truly bothered him to a great extent.

Light's face became drawn. "Let's not discuss that. I can't remember anything, so as far as I am concerned, nothing happened." He sighed, closing his eyes.

"Something _did_ happen, or you would not have a gaping hole in your memories," L persisted. And Light accused _him_ of being evasive! "When I think that such could have been prevented had I arrived earlier..."

"Ryuuzaki, your tenacity leaves something to be desired. When I say I am done discussing something, I mean it." He crossed his arms over his chest, a frown marking his face, his eyes remaining stubbornly closed. "Besides, there is no reason for you to think that it was your timing that allowed it - or whatever - to happen. The man is _dead_, so I hardly see that it matters."

"Why do you fault me for it? Would it be different if you remembered what he did to you? Would it be justice then, or are you going to stubbornly cling to the question of morality regardless?" L had tried to let go the acid that lined his stomach each time this topic surfaced, but it was an intellectual decision that his emotions, unfortunately, had not gotten on board with yet.

"You act like _I'm_ at fault for thinking killing is wrong."

_He doesn't know. He doesn't know. He_ can't _know. This line of discussion cannot go anywhere. Agree to disagree. Give him time, like you originally planned. Stop beating this to death._

"Ryuuzaki," Light said quietly, interrupting the tumultuous flood of his thoughts, "I don't like this discord we've had between us."

"Neither do I," he replied somberly.

"What started it all? What _really_ started it all?"

Remembered words and actions flickered through his mind, all swirling around and catching together, crystallizing into the last deep fissure of trust that Light had carved out of him. The intimacy which was anything but. The pain he'd experienced as that smooth voice disregarded him at every turn and, in the end, laughed softly into his ear. "Something which you do not remember," L said at last.

"So tell me."

"You don't believe you have more than one personality, so anything I tell you, you will dismiss." Tension was creeping into his voice. It was his agitation pushing through at Light's easy tone. _'So tell me'??_ How could he begin to go about it? How would this story even sound to someone who disbelieved the basis of it, the existence of that other self? _Would he accuse me of fabricating it all?_

"Suspending disbelief for a moment," Light prompted, eyes gold and fixed upon him. "Did I wrong you somehow?"

L jumped slightly.

How had Light come so close to the truth, if he did not believe in his MPD? But then, a wrong was a logical conclusion whether he believed in the condition or not. He was inferring the truth. Had to be.

"Yes," L said quietly. Could he make himself elaborate, if asked? Could he sit here and tell this version of Light that another personality, while in control, had raped him? He didn't think so. He still had not gotten over the happening, present events had simply pushed it temporarily further from his mind.

"And if I no longer contain this other personality," Light's voice stretched out, smoothing the words and watching him with intent, "how will you reconcile this action against you?" He almost sounded as if he knew what had occurred; there was weight in his ambiguity.

"I... can't." That soiling, desperate blackness that had consumed him after Light had done that to him began to throb sickly in his chest. The turmoil at dealing with Light's silence afterward - to see both his guilt and the perverse desire in his eyes to do it all again. Those amber eyes glowed with the desire to rip him apart piece-by-piece and savor every attempt at resistance.

To L's surprise, lips brushed against his.

Enigmatic eyes surveyed him from inches away. They closed as Light's mouth enveloped his, sending tremors through L's body to keep the turmoil company. Slow, hot, sensual, the kiss slid between them, consuming the minutes. L tried to make sense of it as his body shuddered in reaction.

A hand wove its way into L's hair, pulling him down into a deeper, more excruciatingly erotic exploration of the brunette's mouth. It encouraged him to follow their descent onto the bed without question, to lose himself. He wanted so badly to comply, to sink into the warmth the other boy offered him.

_But why now?_

_Why all of a sudden?_

He pulled back just enough to speak. "Light, I don't understand." It was inordinately difficult to keep that small space between them.

Light's eyes were but a sliver of amber ringing deep, unending pools of black. His lids were partially lowered, shading his gaze with those long lashes of his. "I don't recall doing anything you didn't, in actuality, want at that time. If I had truly abused you, would we be here like this?"

L stiffened and tried to pull back. Light kept him close, watching him lazily.

"What _do_ you remember?"

"That as much as you try, and as much as you take grievance with me, you can't stay away." Light rolled them over then, pinning L to the mattress beneath him.

Desire clenched at L's stomach, the weight of Light feeling all too right, all too needed. The brunette's mouth descended on his, and he could do nothing but kiss back desperately, reveling in the feel of urgency that roughed the movement of lips and tongues.

---

_"And if I no longer contain this other personality, how will you reconcile this action against you?" Light asked._

_"I... can't."_

Light found the look that crossed L's face just then to be irresistible. The extreme vulnerability in his demeanor and the tormented look in his suddenly expressive eyes... He couldn't help but draw close, to drink in the quality of it and to feel L's surprise tremble against his lips.

He didn't even really think about it.

It seemed too natural to require such preparation, and it was all too easy to set aside his reservations at being close to someone who had taken a life. Somehow it didn't seem important in that moment. It paled infinitely and a thousand times over to the feel of L's mouth against his, to the feel of L beneath him.

It felt right.

L must have felt it, too, because his body shuddered in fine tremors of reaction and his mouth accepted the deeper penetration of its soft heat.

L put up paltry resistance at first, somehow not understanding the reason for this. Questioning him. It was a hindrance for but a moment. Rich memories flooded him as he tasted the dark-haired boy and breathed him in. L was prone to being elusive. _But once I've caught him, he never truly fights me..._

_He craves this as I do..._

He was only mildly surprised at himself for the intensity of feeling, amplified by the knowledge of how thoroughly he had known this body and marked it. Normally, he would have thought such things to be extreme, but the memories flooded him with surety and desire. L had been upset with him for taking things too far that time, but he hadn't. Not really. L was just being difficult. He _needed_ this. It was obvious in the way he responded, and in the fact that he was allowing this at all.

His lips sought the tender hollow of L's throat, and he could feel the rapid pulse on his tongue. Soft, dark hair brushed his face, faintly smelling of shampoo. He was drowning inexorably into the heady scents that made L so unbearably delicious to him. Teeth, he couldn't help but press into firm flesh, his own pulse racing faster at the sharp intake of breath.

In his head, he could feel a slight pressure, like the slow beating of fragile wings, the thinning of some faintly perceived barrier. It grew more insistent the more he touched, the more he tasted, the warm ebb and flow of it echoing stillness as it expanded. The effect was both palliative and exhilarating, and he gave himself up to it.

His body moved without his direction, instinct affecting every whim before his mind gave it thought.

L's neck tasted of salt as a fine sheen of moisture adorned his heated skin.

Light sought out every inch of his body, the concavity just below his rib cage, the angled slant of his hipbones and the desperate flesh they pointed to, peeling back clothes as if they were layers of skin. He dug down to the vulnerability of the body beneath, releasing it from the protection it was shrouded in, baring long limbs and heaving breaths. Lean thighs invited his mouth to move upon them, tracing along their length as denim relinquished its place and duty. So pale. So vulnerable. L was like an empty canvas, waiting to bear his marks, trembling for his touch, shuddering as he obliged.

He used more reserve than he would have liked, some tiny nagging feeling in the back of his mind requiring it of him. L was not fragile, but... he did not wish to press the point and have those lovely dark eyes staring at him like burning coals. He wanted them as they were now, lidded and nearly vacant as desire filled them to the brim. The dark-haired boy's anger was something he did not wish to own, even at the cost of restraint.

It had been so unpleasant after their last time together; silence and distance had settled between them like a dust cloud from crumbling rubble. He'd ached with the need to get close, but was prevented doing so by the harsh betrayal in those eyes and his own reflected guilt at having caused it.

He could hold back. If only to prevent such a thing's repeat.

In time, perhaps, L would come to see how needless it was to resist the full force of his affection. He would come to desire it.

_I'll just have to slowly bring him around_, Light thought as his lips caressed the velvet heat of L's need. The wordless sounds of the other boy's pleasure echoed pleasingly in his ears, sharpening his own several times over. So helpless now, as he employed his tongue to flesh, gasping in a manner that implied begging.

Perfect.

He indulged L a little, wanting more of those delicious noises. He experienced a heady rush of power at having the great detective before him like this, hobbled and waiting as physical pleasure undermined the beautiful, seamless brilliance of his mind. It made him want to be a little cruel, a little heartless, if only so he could gather up and hold the pieces. A passing fancy, but he did dearly love the tormented look that could shine with such unabashed clarity within the sooty darkness of those eyes.

He surveyed the slim body laid out before him and the desire to possess it was overwhelming.

There was nothing within reach to aid him in that goal, nothing to be used as lubrication, especially as this was a different room from the one they'd shared for so long, but being denied was not an acceptable outcome.

Saliva was the only alternative. He could attend to that himself... however, L's mouth would provide a much more striking alternative...

He traveled back up to the graceful curve of L's ear, whispered into it with heated words. L shook his head once, but Light could feel that his body was attuned to the suggestion. Light stroked the hard flesh of L's arousal, repeating himself more forcefully, enjoying the shudder that L offered him and the flush that suffused his cheeks. Desire would win out over modesty. Wasn't that always the way of it? And how thrilling it would be to have the great L on his knees, not just mentally, but physically as well? His body quickened at the thought.

Light rose and knelt, thinking L looked preciously anxious and wary as he finally moved close. He could have remained reclining, but he wanted it like this. Just like this. Forcing L further out of his comfort zone, watching him come around and try to move past it. Just as Light could have supplied his own saliva for the necessary lubrication, he declined it in favor of this. L's knitted brows, the difficulty he had with this arrangement, the tentative way he parted his lips to take the tip of Light into his hesitant mouth.

The heat of that mouth was unbelievable.

He pushed forward the barest bit, sliding deeper into the silken wetness and a groan was pulled from him as if on strings. "L," he moaned the name as his partner allowed him further liberty, cradling him on his hot, flexing tongue. His fingers sought the soft, spiky mess of L's dark hair and interred themselves there, tremoring slightly as his body was overcome by sensation.

He'd never imagined it would feel quite like this. Never imagined that L's averted eyes and blazing cheeks would burn in his blood even more than this subversive position or the way he'd pictured those dark eyes would look when he'd first entertained the thought.

"That's enough," he said in a faint, strangled voice as he slid further into the warm, deconstructive embrace of that mouth. Moments more and his control would flicker and fade out. Even now, the desire to end things just like this was becoming overwhelmingly strong.

He bent down, brushing L's cheek with possessive fingertips, then kissed him hard and deep, showing him just how incredibly desirable he was and tasting the trace of himself on those lips.

His fingers crept between them, claiming L's mouth without contest; the sucking pressure of it upon his digits was reminiscent enough of other things to draw a longing shudder from his body.

Necessity taken care of, he pulled the slick digits from L's exquisite mouth and kissed him again, languishing in the feel of shared desire.

_You're so beautiful to me_, he thought, parting the other boy's thighs and moving between them.

L's wince at the intrusion of his fingers caused him to break the kiss. Light nuzzled at his neck, excitement fizzling through him at the small discomfort etched upon his face. He didn't want to rush, wanted to allow enough time for this preparation, but his body was too ready, too insistent. He ached to bury himself inside of L, to feel the other boy struggling to keep up with his pace, to hear the broken moans that were so sweet to his ears.

Two fingers. Three. The waiting was killing him, the steady pace of penetration, L's harsh breaths... He curved his fingers and stroked a place within L that made him gasp and arch his back.

L's lower lip found a home between his teeth as he withdrew his fingers and positioned himself. He toyed with the tender flesh as he pushed forward, distracting the other boy as he slid within the maddening, constricting walls of his body. L panted heavily, but did not cry out, even with his hastened entry.

This changed as he pulled back and thrust more deeply into that devastating warmth.

His name was on L's lips. Husky, hoarse, passionate. Everything he wanted and needed to hear as he repeated the motion, driving into L's pale, slender body until he was sure one of them might break.

_Too rough?_ Perhaps, but L's nails in his back scattered his control, the burning trails they marked upon his skin feeding into the pressure mounting inside of him and accentuating the intoxicating moans drifting into his ears.

L's hands seized upon his back, digging in, _digging_ as he cried out and his body began to shudder against Light's. _Perfect_, Light thought again. The undulating muscles he was cradled within clamped and constricted around him, sucking away the last of his control and offering him release.

* * *

TBC

**A/N:** Oh my, it seems as if Light recalls his slightly sadistic pr0n tendencies, and that they override his goody-two shoes mentality!

...Sorry to cut it off where i did, but this chapter was already getting too long. :x

About Light's memories: Some of you have expressed massive confusion and a desperate desire to know _exactly_ what Light remembers and how his brain interprets past events sans Kira. WELL. You are just going to have to wait for it. All will be revealed eventually. In the mean time, have fun speculating. (!!!)

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_To Passing Reader_ - thank you :) please tell your sister, thank you as well, and i am very pleased she also enjoys the KH2 fic so much. ;D (It was my first true fanfic endeavor.) Btw, you wouldn't need to play more than an hour into the game - all I had seen was the first few cut scenes before i started writing it. (Parallels in character development were a coincidence - I made some good guesses apparently! haha)


	35. Shreds

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 35: Shreds)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

* * *

Chapter 35:

"You think I'm Kira."

These were not the first words L expected to hear upon coming back to himself.

Not that he had anything particular in mind, but that statement most definitely was not in his top 10, nor in his top anything. Unless, perhaps, he had a short list of things he most fervently wished _never_ to hear again, especially at a time like this. Then, it would most certainly rank.

His brain functions were still impeded by the overwhelming heat of his skin, and the dim, ebbing shudders twitching through his limbs. Light's long legs were entwined with his, though their bodies no longer remained in such intimate contact as they had been.

L despised the way in which Light would bring these kinds of things up, with such perfect timing as to through him off of his guard. The brunette had always done it on purpose, it was too coincidental to be otherwise.

_'You think I'm Kira.' _Light's voice gave nothing away and implied even less.

L chased away the hazy fog that was settling over his mind in the afterglow, cursing himself for complicating matters by letting this happen. He should not have allowed the brunette to steal his reason and indulge in such things. Intimacy was the worst thing for keeping his mind sound and sharp.

Surely Light knew this and had planned the situation around it, staging everything in the hopes of gaining information to the question he now asked. L's reaction would have been evident to him in this scenario. His masks were lowered and the other boy would be raking him with his intense scrutiny, feeling out answers whether L responded verbally or not.

L was at a disadvantage.

He hated that and the feeling that Light would force his way in, and would stay between him and his defenses, never allowing him the chance to regroup or gain distance.

"What gave you that idea?" L responded without inflection.

Light's memories were deviant compared to reality, but likely only in subtle ways. L did not know this for sure, but he would be careful to keep as much unwanted truth from his words as he could get away with. The brunette knew L had been holding him here, but as to the reason for it.... There was no reason for Light to assume it was because L thought he was Kira. Shouldn't Light's mind have fabricated some other reason? Something more palatable to his freshly cleansed conscience?

"It's written all over your face," Light said softly, lips brushing featherlight against his cheek, drowning him in that feeling of closeness.

L's eyes closed against it, and the sinuous, deconstructing purpose of the gentle touch.

Something that had bothered him - that he had pushed aside in the moments after that first searing kiss, being unable to fight the claim it laid upon him - was Light's demeanor. What had happened to the reserve and the hesitant behavior the brunette had embodied not so long ago? What had caused him to act in a manner so similar to the way he'd been _before_ he'd lost his memories?

And this process of being cornered so smoothly, so expertly...

"Nothing is written all over my face," L said, pushing at Light's chest in an effort to unpin himself.

He was melting in the heady embrace and his sated body was trying to drag him down into the blissful peace of sleep. _Damn_ Light for doing this to him just so he could question him.

"You also haven't bothered to deny the statement."

_You think I'm Kira._

The feeling of unease settling into L's stomach was due to the change in Light. It was a little more than the brunette merely coming back to himself after a stressful ordeal. His words, his expressions, they all spoke of Light's demeanor when _Kira_ was close to the surface. His dismissal of the rape he seemed to remember... that too was the skirting of accountability that Light had been guilty of so many times.

_Was_ this Light? Or was L witnessing some permutation of the Kira personality? One with many of the same traits, but less the memories of the death note, and without the extreme, unpredictable violence.

"Why should I?" L scoffed. "It's preposterous."

_No, it isn't. But I need Light to tell me something, anything to give away a clue as to his current mental state.__Could the Kira personality have remained intact, altered in such a way? Brought to a bearable level, but still, quite far from tame?_

Light's fingers wrapped around his wrists, flesh and blood shackles that kept him from moving.

"I don't believe that it is," Light's voice was quiet, his eyes shuttered but searching, "and you validate that assessment with your attempts to evade me in word and deed."

"You're paranoid."

Light frowned.

L didn't want to admit why Light had been detained. He'd wanted to keep that knowledge as far away from the other boy as he could. "You were a suspect, yes," he said, glaring up at the other boy in what he hoped was convincing annoyance. "However, it was because of your father that I named you my prime suspect and chained us together. He was interceding too much."

Light appeared to think upon that. "You make it sound as if you wanted to bypass his disapproval of us as a couple, but you couldn't have been thinking that way at the time. You avoided any advances I made, and were largely uncooperative in realizing the potential our relationship actually held."

L shifted uncomfortably.

Light's logic was impeccable. Unfortunately so. "Uncooperative?" he said snidely, dredging up acidic words to fling at the other boy. "Oh, then I suppose you _**do**_ remember forcing yourself on me?" He had to turn this around - make the debate about something else.

"You were not opposed," Light said loftily, "despite your flailings to the contrary."

Such arrogant surety in that voice. At odds with the frown, but the frown was meant to admonish L, nothing more.

_'I don't recall doing anything you didn't, in actuality, want at that time. If I had truly abused you, would we be here like this?'_

_That_ time... It was amazing that Light was writing it off, if he truly did remember that harsh scene.

Resentment prickled through L and, this time, his voice was biting. "Since you are so keen on telling me how I feel, why don't you explain to me _just_ how I should feel over being raped? Please, enlighten me as to how I might bypass the anger and disgust I feel _every time I think about it_." This time, when he yanked at his hands, they came away.

Light released him, allowing him to sit up and gain the distance he'd so desired.

It only served to remind him how naked and vulnerable he was.

Light carried himself the same, clothed or not, so it was difficult to even think of them as both being nude in the same manner. Light's tawny shoulders were squared, and he moved to hide nothing.

L brought his knees up to his chest, hugging them and letting his head rest upon his knees. He didn't need to stare at Light's blank, flawless face. Didn't need to see his amber eyes become so still and flat while regarding him. It was the sort of face one would make while trying to decide how to deal with something troublesome, something that decided to act up now and then. It was the sort of face one might wear while contemplating the effort expended in trying to resolve an intermittent problem versus leaving it alone to work itself out.

"L..." a hand touched L's shoulder. He shrugged it off. It did not return. "I apologized for what I did."

It sounded like a request for pardon rather than regret or guilt. Maybe L was being unkind, but he could swear there was petulance in the tone as well.

"Yes, I suppose you did. But I am beginning to believe you only regret my response to such a thing, not the act itself." He lifted his head sharply and caught the tail end of surprise flickering over that face. "Am I correct, Yagami-kun? That the look I've see in your eyes is the urge to revisit that fate upon me once more?"

Light blinked rapidly, the only motion in his stony face. He did not look away, but neither did he offer a rebuff.

"It seems you've decided on your own what is and isn't acceptable to me," L said harshly, hating the confirmation of Light's silence. Why couldn't the other boy see that there were limits to how much you could hurt people and dismiss their feelings as inconsequential or fake?

Something changed in the brunette's face. Subtly. "Ryuuzaki, I never meant to hurt you."

_((That's a lie))_

L unfolded himself, displaying his marked skin. "This is unintentional?"

---

Light looked over the evidence of their lovemaking, unable to keep from cherishing every darkening mark, but L's displeasure made it bittersweet. L _had_ wanted it, the breathy catches in his throat and his ardent moans had been proof enough, so why was he trying to deny it? "No, but you--"

_...liked that._ Light stopped himself before saying the taboo words, but the sentiment carried.

Why didn't L understand? He did not wish to truly damage him or inflict the sort of hurt L was claiming... but this and that were two different things.

He wouldn't hurt L.

He wouldn't.

But L's eyes claimed that he had, and that it was not only terrible, but unwanted, and _wrong_.

And rape? _Rape?_ He'd never done such a thing! Couldn't. Just like he could never murder someone. But L had, and L was sitting here casting aspersions upon him when he was innocent!

He remembered that night, the one L was referring to. He'd been jealous, he supposed, that was why he had been rougher than usual, taking pleasure in the small pain he caused as he bit in to L's flesh. He'd been angry. L had been doubting his sincerity again, and soon after, had been trying intentionally to make him jealous. _**Intentionally.**_

((He begged you to stop))

And with that useless girl Misa, no less, adding insult to injury. _It was his own fault if I was a little rough!_

((Blindfolded and bound, he pleaded with you to stop))

It was **not **rape.

It wasn't.

_(It was.)_

_I would never do such a thing. It's unthinkable._

((You liked the taste of his pain. You still do.))

No.

_(Liar.)_

He did _not_ thrill to the sight of L's pained eyes, or the drooping of his head as anguish filled him. He did not treasure the helpless tremors of that slim body, nor the jerks and shudders that ran through it as he took flesh between unyielding teeth.

((Liar.))

_I'm not sick!_ he raged at the inner voices. But secretly, he wasn't so sure. How had he justified these things in the moment, when L was before him? It had seemed so right. The flitting thoughts of causing the other boy pain had felt nearly romantic, and so very intense. How now did they feel misplaced or ill-conceived?

"I'm not Kira," he heard himself say. "Convenient of you to dismiss any behaviors of which you disapprove to him - to 'another personality'. But I assure you there is no one in here but me. _This_ is who you chose, _this_ is who you saved, _this_ is who you professed to have feelings for."

Light couldn't make sense of everything he was saying. Saved? But all L had done was incarcerate him...

...and fake his death...

Just to keep them together? It didn't make sense. Light knew his father would prefer his adult son being with someone he didn't approve of as opposed to being _dead_. And what led to that decision?

"I love you, _Ryuuzaki_," Light heard his voice sour on the edges with mockery. "Would you throw me away so easily?"

_Why can't I affect anything?_ Light wondered. His mind was like a prison, trapping him inside of it. He didn't like the way he sounded, the burnished edge to his voice which was poised to inflict hurt.

The whipcrack of a hand against his cheek made his head spin.

"You dare say that to me?! After everything I've done? _Nothing_ with you has ever been easy."

Still, the conversation was so very distant.

"Was it hard to kill him for me, L?" Taunting. He couldn't see L's reaction, but heard a small, sharp intake of breath. "Your hands are red, but now I'm yours. I was touched by your display of devotion." The last sounded genuine, pleased. There was a pause. The feeling of drawing close to another body. "I never knew that you would go so far," Light's other voice whispered against soft skin. "But how did you do it?"

Light couldn't hear the response very clearly, but his chest felt constricted as he sensed the crumbling composure of his partner.

_Multiple personalities..._

But shouldn't they be separate and unaware of each other to qualify? He was aware... he had felt the foreign thoughts, sometimes believing them to be his own... he'd thought it was a reaction to stress, but...

He tried harder to concentrate and pull his thoughts back in line with the ones that made sense. He disowned the thoughts that were driving the voice that was his, and somehow _not_ his. They were rancid, polluted, and chaotic.

"Teru told me I was Kira," Light's not-voice purred with dark, irreverent humor, "right before he--"

Light did not catch what he whispered into L's resisting ear, as he pushed through the cloying fog of his mind, but felt the resulting anguish reflected in every line of the other boy's body. Pain burst upon him then, in the form of a grinding headache, the pressure behind his eyes making him fall to the bed with a groan.

It was all he could focus on, and his eyes had to remain tightly shut for the light was scorching. Even through his lids, it was too bright and he had to bury his face in the comforter. Excruciating was the only word for it. He was blind and he couldn't sense what was around him to any great extent.

He knew a sudden moment of panic, however, when weight shifted upon the bed, away from him, possibly off of the bed entirely. He'd hurt L. Well, some part of him had. Would L abandon him over the malicious things his not-self had uttered? What if L were to just _leave_ him here, deciding he was no longer worth the trouble?

"Ryuu...zaki..." he groped blindly for any evidence of the other's presence. Speaking was inordinately difficult.

_I'm sorry. I'm _**sorry**_. I didn't know I was messed up. I had no idea._

"Please..."

_Don't leave me._

Desperation curdled in his chest as his fingertips met with nothing but air and the same fabric he felt beneath his cheek.

Was L still within the room? Light couldn't say. "Ryuu...zaki..." that raw feeling inside of him was leeching into his words, pouring out the frantic state he was into those small syllables in a way that he had never before allowed. Being calm and collected had been paramount for most of his life. It didn't seem to matter right now.

He winced as he tried to gather himself enough to lift his head. It felt like a 12 pound bowling ball perched atop a toothpick. But he had to see. He bit his lip against the unbidden sounds of suffering that tried to breach the silence, muffling them to faint things in the back of his throat. "Ryuu--" he tried again, pulling his forearms beneath his chest, shuddering from the violent wave of nausea that followed.

"Light, stop moving," L's voice ordered him, quiet but unyielding. "Lay back down." Hands were on him, pressing him down, and he didn't know whether the prickling, wet heat in his eyes was due to the affirmation of the craved touch, or because he didn't deserve it. And still, L might only be acting out of kindness.

He didn't want that.

"-zaki," he fought to get out. "It wasn't me." _I wasn't the one who hurt you._He needed L to know this. L's voice was woven of the flatness that guarded his inner thoughts, his emotions. He was shielding heavily right now.

"Shhh." A hand stroked over his hair, almost too fast, as if it were an ingenuine gesture of soothing. Light's hands fisted in the bed sheets, the burning behind his eyes growing more insistent. Once more, the light touch. The bitterness of it was like bile in the back of his throat, but he could not reject the gesture, nor could he help the way it both soothed and stabbed him.

---

L stayed with him, despite the horrid buzzing static of his thoughts, stroking that smooth, rich brown hair until the younger boy fell asleep.

It was all too much to process at once.

His brain staggered under the influx of so much information. Light, Mikami, Kira... the personalities and how they'd adapted... It all muddled and bled together, and his hands were starting to shake now that he unclenched the iron fist of his control.

He had been right, in that Light was possessed of two distinct personalities even now.

The one that resembled Kira did not directly remember _being_ Kira, but it more honestly remembered events that had taken place. Charming, smug, poisonous. That personality remembered the rape, remembered Kira guessing at his love for Light, remembered what had happened between Light and Mikami... and lost no time in using any bit of information to ensnare, hurt and trap him. It was Kira's style of maiming love.

_'It wasn't me.' _

L knew exactly what Light meant, knew from the desperation in his voice that Light must now be cognizant of his other personality's doings. Light must have finally seen the gaps, and discovered the truth somehow.

L shut himself in the bathroom and drew himself a bath. He avoided the mirror.

The Kira-like personality had not been in control while they'd had sex. Light had been reserved - much more restrained than he could have been. Almost as if he was straddling a middle line between the two personalities, one which was close to being his true self. It was only _after_ that he had become different. Once Kira had been brought up.

Mikami had told Light he was Kira. And then, L had been holding him here under suspicion of the same. Had that personality fixated on that? Did it crave the title, and the power that came with it?

The thundering water echoed uproariously in the tiny room. The ceramic tile and empty walls amplified it.

Light's other personality balked at murder, retained a steadfast set of morals, had re-written events in the past to mitigate the extent of his wrongful behavior, and could not remember Mikami defiling him.

L stepped into the tight heat of the nearly burning water. It surrounded his feet, ankles and calves with skin-nipping force, forcing his skin to flush an angry pink where it touched. He sank into it slowly, wincing as it enveloped him mercilessly.

The Kira-like personality hadn't seemed to mind what had happened to Light's body, so long as it could use such information to get a reaction out of L.

_'He waited for you, you know,'_ that personality had said, twisting the knife, _'waited for you and thought of you until finally the wretchedness of having someone he didn't care about touching him and using him like that became too much, and I was called out.' _

The smile on the brunette's face was cruel as he leaned to whisper even closer to L's ear. _'Should I recount it for you?'_ The sweep of a sly tongue hotly traced his ear as L was frozen in horror. _'Teru suffered from ill-timing... but his technique did not lack for fervor.' _

The sick feeling in L's stomach amplified at those taunting words. Coiled and ugly, they twisted within him. Rage, guilt, regret, and sorrow vied for dominance. Lastly, however, disgust. To let this personality of the brunette's get to him like this, to be unable to stifle the reactions, even as the other boy practically drank them off of his skin with nuzzled affection, loving the distress he was in.

Love.

This Light's love was like an oil slick. Covered in it, he had no chance to pull away. He would suffocate and die beneath it.

It was while the hopelessness was riding him that an odd thing had happened. A fine tremor had worked its way through Light's body and he very nearly curled in upon himself. L saw a change in his eyes before they clamped shut, his teeth clenching as he turned to the side and buried his face in the mattress. A groan of pain escaped him then, echoing tension in the body that was still partially overlapping L.

It was instinct that drove L away, pulling him from the one that had said such horrifying things to him. Yet instinct also bade him stay. He watched Light, listened to him call out, tried to deaden himself to it, but knew he could never abandon him. This personality could wring blood from a stone heart calling out like that.

And it was so sudden, the emergence of this other self, along with the timing... he was certain that Light had pushed through to the surface with a will.

_'It wasn't me,'_ he'd said desperately, as if to erase the words his other self had inflicted upon L.

The headaches. Migraines. Whatever it is that they were... Why did they only affect that one aspect of Light? Was it that his was the main personality, and the other was a shifting into some smaller, concentrated set of traits? He could only speculate.

In a way, though, he was relieved. Light had been able to assimilate his personalities before... he could do so again. It was the captivity with Mikami that had forced him to split once more. This time in a slightly different way than before - Kira formed to absolve Light of guilt, the Kira-like personality formed to preserve Light's more innocent nature. The Light he had been seeing as a stranger acted more wholly pure than Light truly was, but that was a symptom of the way the second personality came about. It wasn't that Light was so utterly different without the Kira aspect as L had first assumed.

His Light was in there, buried between two extremes.

He had been close to stable before Mikami came along, despite the ill effect Kira's integrated presence still proposed. But Light would put himself back together again, this time without Kira, and they would both be better off for it.

It would take time.

But even with the sword of this held to his throat, the uncertainty of when he might deal with the crushing Kira-like personality, L knew he still found Light to be worth it. He would probably endure Light cutting him to shreds before he could ever leave him alone.

* * *

TBC

**A/N:** Thank you to those of you that reviewed last time. I had been feeling rather lackluster of late, part of which attributed to the lateness of this chapter. The other factor was that I am not in possession of as much free time as I was when I was making weekly updates without fail. In fact, I should be studying right now, but I was getting quite anxious to finish this chapter and get it posted already. :(

((Also, I may be moving soon, and suddenly there were quite a lot of things to take care of!))

There will be an update to PITCH soon also. I had been working on that previously, when stuck with aBfSF, and I just need my beta to whip on eye on it before posting the chap.

**P.S. No, I am not abandoning this story. I'm sorry if the delay led anyone to believe that was the case! DX**


	36. Triangle

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 36: Triangle)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

**A/N:** All right! Written in one day! If it seems short, forgive me. This was seriously all the time I had. Classes are now 4 days a week for 8 hours each for the next two weeks. It better ease off after that or I'll throw myself into a river. Or, an ocean, or.... you get the idea.

* * *

Chapter 36:

The bathwater was nearly cold.

L stared up at the white ceiling, hardly noticing. The edge of the tub was an even colder pressure against the back of his head, his hair cool and damp as well.

It was rather miserable, cool bathwater.

An ill-effect that one prone to long bouts of thought might be accustomed to, but never enamored of.

And still, L had not quite decided how to proceed.

It was rather like having your foot caught in a bear trap and trying to make the decision between shredding and ruining your foot in order to break free, or waiting for someone to possibly come along and save you, which may never happen and would result in your death. Maimed and alive, or whole and possibly dead? Every person would have a different answer to that choice.

The only thing that was certain was that the decision would be made, would have to be made, by the time he set foot outside of this room. This white, ceramic, echoing room.

_Not the only thing_, he corrected himself.

The other thing he was certain of was that he had a dreadfully short tolerance for the Shinigami, and that the Shinigami took great joy in this while also maintaining impeccable (and quite irritating) timing for exploiting it.

L sighed. Ryuuk was quite hard to miss in the white room, mostly black as he was. He was also quite large.

"Whatcha doin'?"

"Hello, Ryuuk."

Was it annoying for the Shinigami not to be answered directly? L had discovered, yes, a little bit. Not that the creature didn't recover quickly, but it was a small win nonetheless. The bathwater, L now noticed (with greater annoyance) was cold. Very cold. He shivered.

"Apples?" Ryuuk said off-handedly. He did seem a little annoyed at being put off, but the only indication was the slightly dimmer version of his ever-present grin.

"You know, maybe I should move to America," L said. "They have a profusion of orange and peach groves in the South. Very juicy, tasty fruits. You'd like them." Chances were, Ryuuk probably _wouldn't_, but that was exactly the point.

"I like apples."

"Apples are for the weak."

It was nonsensical, but saying it made L feel marginally better. Ryuuk spluttering in outrage made the cold less intolerable, and almost made a smile ghost over L's face. He retained his poise, however, and pulled the drain on the tub without expression. He was really tempted to run the shower a moment to warm himself up, but that would bring on pestering questions from the now bent-out-of-shape death god. L wasn't going to hand him ammunition with which to get even as soon as he calmed down enough to realize L was just winding him up.

"How can you _say_ that, human?? You're supposed to be the logical one!"

"Light was logical as well."

"But you are **more** logical, so it's worse if _you_ say it!"

"You think so? I tend to believe we are on par for that particular trait. I'm sure Light just felt it wasn't worth mentioning. A shame he doesn't remember you, nor can he see you, so he can't assure you that that is the case."

Ryuuk's squall of outrage was immensely satisfying.

"HUMAN! I COULD CRUSH YOUR MEASLY EXISTENCE!"

Damn it, but L hated having cold, wet hair. Cold, cold, cold. He dried himself off with a towel but he was shivering rather forcefully. He eyed the hairdryer next to the sink. "Hm. I suppose you could, but how boring would _that_ be?"

_SHRIEEEEEEEEEK!_

L had a brief vision of what the hot air would do to his head - chia pets came to mind - and decided his dignity couldn't bear it. He stood there an extra moment to contemplate it, though, basking in the impotent, otherworldly cacophony.

He caught sight of himself in the mirror, unintentionally, and thought that he resembled a drowned rat. His hair was flat, weighted down with water that dripped incessantly from long, pitch-black spikes of limp hair. His face, and entire body for that matter, looked even paler than usual and his dark, tired eyes looked almost too large for his face.

He shivered again, wrapping the whiter towel around his narrow hips, feeling the goosebumps rise more insistently. Long sleeves and pants were a promise and a door away, and possibly the only thing pressing enough to make him retreat from the endless circle of his thoughts.

Over-thinking how he should deal with Light or what he should divulge to him was a practice in futility. He knew better. Light was exceedingly unpredictable in some ways, and the standard mode of operation should be to play things by ear. To improvise. Historically, Light always managed to tear asunder even the best laid plans.

L turned to the door, only to find Ryuuk blocking it. The black-winged Shinigami was calmer than before and had a serious look on his face. "You know I wouldn't reeeally kill you, right?"

L frowned. Incorporeal though the Shinigami were, they could not be walked through like they were not there, and thus, L could not leave until he dealt with this. "I know you'd be bored if you did." L knew no such thing. He could assume all he liked, but the Shinigami was brash and spontaneous, and lived in the moment. Anything was likely. L just guessed that Ryuuk would not kill him prior to feeling he had the upper hand.

The white-faced Shinigami frowned and hunched over a bit, his extended wings lending an air of claustrophobic charm to the room. Even folded over, he appeared to tower over L. Buckles and other metal bits that L could not see clinked together in muted tones at the movement. "You don't like me, do you."

It wasn't a question.

As such, it was hard to think of an appropriate response.

"Define 'like'", L said warily.

Ryuuk sniffed. "Neither of you do. And why not? I'm a likeable sort. I've got a lot going for me, and no one ever seems to recognize that. Rem thought I was useless, but look at how she turned out. Smitten with a stupid human who's dead now anyway. I'm doing _much_ better. And I could make the change, not like _she_ could. I don't _have_ to look like this you know, it just comes with the job."

L got the distinct feeling that whatever the death god was babbling about, it needed to end before he divulged any more. "I don't think--"

"But even if I _did_, which one would I pick? I mean, you are both fun to harass and have distinct qualities that makes it hard to choose, but you both seem to hate me."

Ryuuk's face surged forward within a few inches of L's, and he leaned back quickly to avoid being any closer. It was startling, to say the least.

"When is it going to be my time to be recognized?" The formidable-looking, and rather grotesque, Shinigami whined. "When is someone going to want _me_ around instead of someone else?"

L stalled, vaguely creeped out by the weirdness of the death god's rant. "Which question would you like answered first?"

"Everything," Ryuuk said unreasonably.

"We don't hate you..." L said, trying not to look at the rolling yellow eyes. "We feed you."

"**Lies!** I have not had an apple in 72 hours!"

"Three," L corrected.

Ryuuk sniffed. "I was just testing you. I can count. Do you think you would like me if I was a human? Light's a pain in the ass anyhow. You could drop him off in America and _he_ could eat peaches all day if he wants. We could go to Lithuania or Russia or somewhere that has an 'A' at the end because 'A' is a good letter, starting the word 'apple' and all."

L blinked. Slowly. He picked the least volatile thing to respond to. "...I was joking about America and the peaches."

Ryuuk as a human was too ghastly to imagine. Though, it would hinder his ability to peek on L when he was in the bath, which was now possessed of an even deeper distastefulness. Before, L could write it off as the death god merely trying to be annoying. He suppressed a shudder.

"You're just saying that," Ryuuk said. "Why do you like him so much anyway? He's a bit touched in the head, if you ask me. Nice tan, though."

"Ryuuk, would you like an apple?" Distraction seemed the best tactic right now. L found his head was starting to hurt, right behind his eyes; he couldn't deal with a continuing spiral into the madness that the Shinigami was spouting.

"You said they were for the weak."

"It was bad of me to lie like that. I actually love apples very much." _Lie._

"So, you just wanted them all for yourself!" the death god accused, rearing back.

"I'm sorry. It was contemptible of me to say it." Compounding the bear trap analogy, he could now add an other-worldly being that was contemplating becoming human so he could molest him while freeing him from the steel teeth of the trap. Only he wasn't convinced he wanted it removed, in that case.

Or would the other-worldly being be molesting the trap also, before flinging it away?

"No, I understand," Ryuuk said, "If you share my praise and worship of apples, it is only natural for you to do what you did." Ryuuk took L's hands in his large, clawed ones and nodded. "I would have done the same."

"..."

"But how come I've never seen you eat one?" the death god added suspiciously.

"Closet habit," L said quickly. He wanted to yank his hands back, but thought that might have an ill effect. His goal was to get Ryuuk focused on apples and off of the wildly disturbing notion that gods of death could become human or could harbor romantic feelings for a human. What would Light make of all this? he wondered. Could he harbor jealousy towards a creature such as Ryuuk? Would he be angered that the black-winged thing was of a mind to toss him off in America while dragging L off to some other country with an odd naming convention? Many places ended with 'A'. His favorites, however, England and Japan, did not. He had no opinion of Russia, per se, but it seemed to be rather cold there a good amount of the time, depending on the region.

"Maybe I'd believe you if I saw you eat them all the time."

"Humans cannot eat the same food _all_ the time," L responded, wondering if he wasn't going to be stuck eating apples regularly to assuage the relentless demon. "Once a day is the most I ever had." God forbid he had to try and eat more than that. Apples weren't bad, but they were far from a favorite.

"You eat things like cake all the time," Ryuuk pointed out.

"Yes, well, it's softer, isn't it?"

Ryuuk nodded sagely, as if that were a perfectly reasonable explanation. "I suppose it is. I like things that crunch though."

"And I like minimal effort."

"Applesauce?" Ryuuk suggested.

"Too many preservatives, and the texture is strange."

"Ah."

"So, would you like an apple, Ryuuk?" _I'M. SO. COLD._ L thought, willing himself to stop shivering hard enough to make his teeth want to clack.

"Are you having one?"

L mentally sighed, and grit his teeth. "Certainly, though I was going to dress first."

Ryuuk seemed mollified, though his wings flapped and drooped a little. "I guess you would do that... Humans get cold, don't they? How about Bermuda?"

"I'll think about it," L said, deciding to try and push past the leather straps and feather-clad body, lest he be trapped in the bathroom forever, forced to contemplate things such as himself with a tan or Ryuuk's lascivious intent in suggesting the tropical area. He kept a firm grip on his towel as he passed by the Shinigami, just in case.

Getting dressed was a tricky affair. L located a long-sleeved white sweater - the kind he always preferred to wear - and pulled it on gratefully. Boxers and jeans were the difficult part, trying as he was to slip them on under the towel, giving Ryuuk as little to look at as possible.

_So disturbing._

That accomplished, he threw the towel over his head and ruffled it, in an attempt to minimize the water dripping onto his shoulders and soaking his top with a spreading, cold dampness.

Through a gap in the towel, he noticed Light's eyes were open a crack and watching him.

A fissure of anxious energy tumbled through his body and he stopped rubbing at his head. "What?"

Light shrugged and closed his eyes.

L peered at him and noticed that his posture was anything but relaxed. Light had something on his mind but he was being reticent about it.

L slowly rubbed the towel again, finishing his task, then dragged the towel off of his head to drape over the back of a nearby chair. "How is your headache?" L asked diplomatically. He was pretty sure that he was dealing with the non-volatile version of Light, the innocent side, but it never hurt to re-assess.

"It's fine," Light said sullenly. He paused. Fidgeted. "Why did you dress like that?"

L looked down at his clothes. "Like what? I always--"

"Like you didn't want me to see anything. It's... fine if you don't." He turned his head to the side and said under his breath, "It just doesn't make sense considering we've seen each other wearing considerably less than towels on a number of occassions, unless something has changed."

L suppressed the urge to glare at Ryuuk, as it would have been a stupid move for two reasons. One, Light was unaware of the Shinigami, and L meant to keep it that way. Two, he did not want to make it obvious that he had been trying to keep as much skin covered as possible, lest he offend the death god and spark off another scene like the one he'd been privy to in the bathroom. Bermuda, indeed.

"I'm cold, that's all. I stayed too long in the bath."

Light smiled somewhat humorlessly. "I see. And what was your conclusion?"

L could see Light was amused at the thought of L losing track of the time, being lost in thought even in the bath (_'That's just like you'_, he would have said in a different situation), but it was dimmed tremendously by his fear of being discarded.

"That would be that I am very cold, and somewhat hungry." L lightly clasped Light's nearer hand in his to demonstrate the first part of his statement. Ryuuk snorted in disdain.

Light flinched a little in surprise. "They're like ice," he said, his hands moving to encase L's and rub them in attempt to warm them.

It was unexpectedly moving to see a display of caring like this from the brunette. Light sat up, tension fleeing the set of his shoulders, his silky hair falling across his eyes as he focused on bringing life back to L's spidery hands with his elegant ones.

Thumbs rubbed over the palms of L's hands and down each finger, massaging his flesh into pliant submission.

It was more intimate that L would have expected such a thing to be, and he felt a nervous sort of tension ghosting through his body. It made him want to pull his hand back, to retrieve it, and yet he was rooted in place, unable or unwilling to break the trance-like quality of this small act. Light's ministrations were firm, but soft. Nearly gentle, which was not a quality he could usually really claim.

L jumped a little as Light raised the palm of his hand to his lips, his breathing becoming a fraction unsteady as Light brushed silken kisses upon the now sensitive flesh of his trembling hand and the vulnerable skin of his wrist. The simple touches were wrapping him in a warm haze that he didn't quite want to let himself believe in, but was fallling into nonetheless. His body wanted to drift forward, and it was a task to keep it from doing so; more so when rich amber eyes looked up at him from beneath a heavy fringe of long lashes, filled with nothing but soft melancholy and the intense desire to be close.

The veil dropped over them once more as his lids lowered, but the impression stayed and was all the more potent for the brief glimpse of it. Light was bent at his right hand, begging favor in a way, asking for the right to remain at his side. As if L had any control over that, or had the ability to pull away when Light's fevered lips were before him, seeking his in a gut-clenchingly tentative brushing of mouths.

Soft, brief, compelling, the contact was as insubstantial as butterfly wings and more intoxicatingly powerful than anything L had experienced, catching his breath and shivering through his limbs in a way that had more to do with heat than cold and drew him to Light's mouth as if it could feed him the air he was no longer breathing on his own.

Fingers wound into the heavy, damp locks at the back of his head, pulling him closer and tipping him into the gratifying heat of a true kiss, and the silken pressure of a gently stroking tongue.

_Just like this..._

It didn't seem to matter that their bodies had found release not too long ago. The wavering and unsteady tenor of emotion, of doubt, and fear, and need, and the feeling of being oh-so-lost, was personifying itself in the whole of this kiss, and fed the bittersweet desire for closeness as the only thing that could offer reprieve. Tentative touches connected them through the span of rocky past and uncertain future that they were trapped between.

They did not have the comfort of words to heal the wounds they inflicted upon each other. Their dynamic allowed only for the gain or loss of ground though a wordless language, treacherous and uncertain though it could be. Words were too open for misinterpretation - too primed for barbs.

Light's skin was bare, covered only by the sheet draped over half of his lap, leaving an unbroken line of tan flesh from torso to hip to well-shaped thigh. L couldn't help but look. Couldn't help but touch. Couldn't help but to react to the low noise of pleasure that purred in the brunette's throat and the steadily growing passion flavoring the controlled nature of their joined mouths.

Light's body was hot, even through the layer of L's clothes. It was hotter still when Light pulled him down into the mess of sheets and pillows, on top of him, to feel it directly through the press of flesh and bone and smooth muscle. Hotter yet as his mouth was consumed and Light's hands moved under his shirt, spreading over his back and everywhere else they could touch.

The aching in his abdomen was severe, desperate, and humbling. L had no control over it, or the way it swelled with every touch, with every flick of tongue or shift of their bodies. He knew that Light was the only one who could spark such frenzied desire, and the only one who could satisfy it.

"This is beginning to resemble last time," L breathed heavily. The effort of breaking contact was immense, but that small worry had to be given voice. It had to be acknowledged, lest it grow to be more than a thread of trepidation. Light allowed him respite, holding him close, but demanding nothing. He was merely tracing lazy kisses over L's cheeks and eyelids and forehead and jaw, raining them down in a soft, distracting pattern that was making it harder for L to think of anything other than reclaiming that elusive mouth.

"I know, I'm sorry," Light murmured between anointments. "I'll do nothing this time, I swear it."

"You're not doing nothing right now." His voice sounded suspicious and abrupt, even to his own ears. He felt the pressing edge of fear, waiting to be realized. It was brought on when Light's actions and words didn't quite match - benign or no. Light had him in thrall, and was acting as if L were the one in control. L was painfully aware of the fact that he was not, and hardly ever was.

"Ryuuzaki, _please._" Light sounded only a touch frustrated in his appeal, wanting to appease. "I'd lie here like a board if I thought that's what you wanted, but I know that's not the case." His voice was hushed, the words spilled out fast enough to reflect his desire to wipe out this line of conversation.

L bristled a little. "So you still believe you know what it is that I want?"

"I'm practically saying I _don't_, where certain things are concerned. It isn't easy for me to admit that, so stop being deliberately obtuse."

Light's tone was getting defensive, and a little arrogant. It begged to be addressed, to be challenged and smacked down. And this was where words began to, and continued to, choke them.

"Do you think insulting me will help?"

_See?_ L couldn't even make himself stay silent and brush it off. He knew Light could get defensive when being honest, and yet he couldn't keep himself from reacting.

"Ryuuzaki," Light said in a carefully modulated voice.

"What?"

"This isn't what this is supposed to be about."

"Wh--" L was cut off as Light pressed L's head against his chest and held him there. His skin smelled warm, and faintly of salt. For a moment, he felt the tension starting to ebb, and the urge to take up arms begin to fade.

"I don't want to fight with you. You're scared and don't believe you can trust me. Though I can't avoid resenting that, it can't be helped."

"I'm not scared," L shot back in annoyance, pulling out of Light's attempt to forcibly calm him down. "And you have got to be the _last_ person I would heed on the matter of psychological profiling at this point."

Light's eyes narrowed slightly. It was the only warning L had before Light rolled them into the reverse position, pinning him hard with a forearm beneath his chin. Panic blazed through L before he could even assess the change.

"You're a liar, Ryuuzaki."

"Get off of me," L said thinly.

Light released him immediately, sighing harshly as he ran a hand through his hair.

"Look," L said, sitting up shakily. "I understand what you are saying. I do. But how can I know that you won't lose control of yourself? Historically, letting down my guard with you results in very bad things, and I'm not exactly eager to help that happen. If I feel the situation might lead to that end, I will not persist in it."

"How can you know what will lead where, when you aren't willing to help me define that?"

"Just how far do you expect me to go for you?? Light--" L broke off and looked away. He would not allow the quaver to manifest itself more fully in his voice. It was short of maddening... this frustration and the high standard that Light held him to under gunpoint.

"By my estimation," Light said quietly, pressing the matter, "the shift last time only happened when I saw you be so submissive and vulnerable to me. When I said I would do nothing, I meant it. I wanted to know if I could be close to you without hurting you."

"And if you can't?" L challenged, not really knowing what he would say if the roles were reversed.

"Then Bermuda looks like a good choice, now, doesn't it?"

"Shut up, Ryuuk," L snarled over his shoulder.

Light blinked at him. "What did you say?"

Ryuuk floated over next to Light and poked him in the head. "He said he'd rather go to Bermuda with me than stick around with _you_, despite your nice tan and shiny hair."

"Light," L said, coming to a decision, "answer me one thing."

"...okay," Light was frowning, and kept glancing to the side where Ryuuk was leering at him.

"Do you trust me?"

"What the hell kind of question is that?"

"A perfectly reasonable one. Do you trust me? Think hard about this, Light, and do not answer without knowing the truth. Do you trust that I am of sound mind, and would not deceive you in any manner that would be detrimental to you?"

"Yes," Light answered immediately.

"Then, to answer your question, Ryuuk is the death god you saddled me with the moment you ceased being Kira. He's currently poking you in the head. You, however, are blissfully unaware of his charm as you can neither see nor hear him." The words came forth easier than expected, despite not knowing if Light would believe him or not. He had meant to keep Ryuuk a secret, difficult though that would be, but the situation seemed to call for the outing of this little truth and would segue into the greater truth he'd decided to come forth with.

"God, Ryuuzaki, is that what you've been glancing at?" Light glared at the space that Ryuuk was in fact occupying and swatted at the Shinigami. "Were you conversing with it in the bathroom as well? I thought you'd developed a habit of talking to yourself."

"You could act a little more surprised," Ryuuk said dejectedly.

"What did it say?" Light demanded. "I saw you glance at it."

"Ryuuk said he's disappointed in your lack of reaction, and dislikes when you refer to him as an 'it'."

"No, I didn't," the Shinigami said, flapping his black wings.

"You were going to," L said, " It was obvious."

"Hmph. I never mentioned it in all the time _he_ was in charge." Ryuuk relented after a moment and added, "But it was bugging me."

L made sure not to look at the Shinigami when it spoke this time, so he could avoid the inevitable translation. He was waiting for the one question he knew was coming, and the one he wasn't sure how to handle until it came.

"Why can you see it, and I can't?"

"Because I have a death note. The one attached to Ryuuk is the one you used to hold claim to."

Light got an excited look in his eyes. "Where is it? But--" His look turned wary. "Does this mean you are now Kira? Is that how you killed Teru?"

"I am not Kira. Anyone who touches the notebook would be able to see the Shinigami who haunts it."

"I want to see it." Light's eyes were nearly glowing with excitement and calculations. "Shinigami," he muttered to himself, "I _knew_ there was something more to it than 'magic' or godlike powers. Ryuuzaki, I want to see it, the death god. Let me touch the notebook."

"No."

The expression died on Light's face. "Why not?"

L stared stonily back. "If I do that, all of your memories will come back. All of the memories that you gave up in order to free yourself from being Kira... I would be reversing the decision _you_ made, and negating what you put yourself through as a result."

Light looked at him with suspicion. "So I was Kira. A murderer. And I somehow lost my memories of it and gained a strong sense of morality regarding killing somewhere along the way?"

"Was I not right about your multiple personalities, though you found it difficult to believe?" L said harshly. "Did you not say that you trusted me?" He had to make his point here and now. Light would have to understand that he had been Kira, and had denounced it. He had to do this, accept it, and he had to keep himself together.

---

"Yes, yes," Light waved him off, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "I just... I'm having trouble taking it in."

Remembering some of the things his not-self said, a lot more was making sense. In a detached way, or course. More like a puzzle than anything of a personal nature. Logical. Logically, it made more pieces fit. But thinking about it from a personal standpoint... to be a murderer, to be 'killed' because the world wanted you dead, and then to harm the one that saved you... to love doing it, over and over...

"Are you getting a headache?" L asked warily.

"I... don't know. Maybe you should go."

If his darker personality came out now, he would most certainly be dragging L down beneath him and finishing where they left off. He could almost taste the aroma of arousal on his tongue from their abandoned foray, and his body still hummed thickly with it. He had been sure of his control earlier, but now... now the thought of making L cry out in a hoarse voice, feeling him shudder and writhe and beg was making his pulse beat hotter. It was all losing the feeling of taboo that had been firmly in place.

That short spark of fear L had displayed earlier, had painted his features like a masterpiece. He wanted to pin that emotion down, savor it, and feed off the heartbeat fluttering in L's throat like a caged thing. It was _his_, and it was his right.

L was watching him, and the trust his face held was more apparent to Light now. Now that he wasn't paranoid about trust and bonds, and simply saw such things as tools to be exploited.

"Go," Light forced out, before he slipped away.

_God, I want to eat you alive._

_---_

L sat at his desk at headquarters, in the hotel Light no longer resided in, half-heartedly chewing on a twizzler. He'd felt the shift this time. Both of them had. And what L had noticed in particular, was something akin to a focusing inward right before Light lost it. Of course, he had been nearly on his feet and headed towards the door the moment Light had suggested he might want to leave. Otherwise, he would not have had enough time to do so between Light's actual warning and the other personality sliding into place.

He wished the other Light, the Kira-like Light, didn't have such a penchant for startling, sharp smiles and mocking leers. They set his heart to racing in a typical, yet wildly unhealthy fashion, and made his skin prickle like pins and needles - an effect which tended to last a while, setting his nerves on edge.

It made him antsy.

That was probably what set him back on the problem of Wammy's House. Checking around, he had determined that the situation had deteriorated even further since he'd last checked. Restrictions had been placed, disallowing any of the children outside contact, including visitors, phones, and internet. The confirmation of this was that Matt, annoyed at the newly enforced rules and worried about a few things he mentioned in his missive, had hacked his way out and gotten an email through to L.

Translating Matt's manner of speaking correctly, after a second read-through (the boy was prone to a mix between eclectic net-speak and sound effects), L was informed that Roger was very nearly insane, and Mello was being dragged not far after. Hazy on the details, Matt said only that Mello's keeper was becoming more twitchy and paranoid and that after the standard briefings Mello had with him, the blonde boy returned with an increasingly volatile temper and tendency to seclude himself from others. Currently, he would only speak to Matt, and sometimes Near.

There was also a brief mention of Mello burning his hand intentionally in a candle flame, without seeming to register any pain. When Matt discovered him and took it away, Mello simply turned to him and said, 'Maybe we'd all be better off in fire.'

The email ended with: _'i like my games and i like Mello, but i don't like fire.'_

It was the most serious and coherent thing Matt had ever said.

L chucked the twizzler in the trashcan and leaned back in his chair forcefully, a dogged sigh escaping his lips. He didn't like this. Not at all. Something had to be done.

He chewed at his thumb, trying to alleviate some of the pressure he was feeling on all sides. Watari had to remain in the dark about this... If he did not approve of what L intended to do, _if_ L were to decide such measures were unavoidably necessary, L could not afford his interference nor the increased odds that the old man would get himself hurt. If L went after Wammy's House, he had to take down every last one of them. There could be no warning.

* * *

TBC

**A/N:** Thank you for reading!

I bet you thought I forgot all about Wammy's. haha. I didn't. ;P

This was an aspect of the story I knew would be coming into play the entire time, I just didn't know quite when. It is not an attempt to make this fic any LONGER, because god knows I have been trying to bring it all to a close. ;P I also couldn't help throwing in a little implied Mello/Matt. I am not really a fan of Mello in any way (I do love Matt though, minor side character though he is), but since he popped into the fic earlier, I had to then use it to amuse myself with getting to write about Matt.

Ryuuk = nkwsfahudswtf haha


	37. Disarming Quillish

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 37: Disarming Quillish)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

**A/N:** Extra long chapter! (Er... to make up for its late nature -cough cough-)

**Thank you to the lovely people who are still reviewing! **Stories are hard to end properly, and it sometimes takes extra thought. Thank you for sticking with me! Impending moves, internships and exams also put a stop in the works. This summer has been insanely busy for everyone, hasn't it?

* * *

Chapter 37:

"L, I think it's time I meet with Light."

L put down his cup of tea with a resigned sigh. "Can it not wait? I'm right in the middle of--"

Watari regarded him with strained patience. "No, I don't think it can. l have listened to you and deferred to your judgment in a great many things, but on this, I am resolute. Where that boy is concerned, you are not yourself, and your reluctance to prove his innocence is making the truth in your statement less plausible."

Ah, yes. The story he'd given after retrieving Light from Mikami's apartment. Everything he'd said had been true, though there was the omission of Light's death note coming into his possession. Mikami had been the second Kira: true. Mikami was dead and the notebook they retained belonged to him: true. Light was a little bent out of shape over his experiences with Mikami over the last several days: true. Light was no longer Kira: true.

It was only a matter of time before Watari tired of waiting. He needed to determine for himself that Light was no longer Kira. L did not blame him - he would have done the same. Only, understanding this did not make it any less inconvenient. Light, for this meeting, would need to be the subdued, victimized version. In essence, the exact opposite of the way he'd been the last time L had seen him.

He needed to ensure that Watari did not see that aggressive, Kira-esque side. If he did, he would logically conclude that nothing had changed, that Light was still Kira, and that L no longer had any rational judgment to speak of. He could not provide undeniable proof that Light was not Kira, because that proof involved the notebooks and the trade for the eyes which led inexorably to Mikami's convenient death.

That L had used the death note on the lawyer would not be Watari's first supposition, but he would get there eventually.

L's palms started to sweat.

He was certain that, being proved guilty of murder, the British man would feel obligated to fulfill his duty and turn him over to the authorities.

That would be wildly inconvenient.

If only Watari could be removed from the picture...

L mentally slapped himself, horrified at the ease with which the insidious, unforgivable thought slid into his head like a viper winding through grass. He would never... _**ever**_ do such a thing.

_Just having access to it... It was as I suspected..._Having such a tool as a death note in one's hands was enough to warp one's thinking. To make light of death... To justify that which was unjustifiable...

Seeing down that path, he could see the how and why of Light's own fall from grace. The brunette had been blinded by an ideal that had seemed worthy of attaining at any cost... he'd strived for an ultimate good that required ultimate evil to accomplish, only he just hadn't been able to see it.

L sipped again at his tea, humbled by the groundwork of the whole affair that offered itself to him so fully. To be privy to the beginnings of Kira's birth, the cause and effect... to see so deeply and be aware of the root of it all...

And how many people would be able to claim sanity after the death note had had its way with their mind? How many of them would move to use it with a pure heart as Light had? Light was not evil. Far from it. But the notebook's influence was undeniable and caused its evil through human hands, tarnishing them with its extended use.

_Would I be any different?_

_Can I use it and not fall prey to the same?_

He liked to think he could, that he was stronger than to fall so mindlessly into the notebook's sway, but then Light was strong and he had not made it through in one piece. In fact, without L there to question him endlessly and ensnare whatever human emotion still lingered, maybe nothing would have pulled him back.

_(And that was why you told him, isn't it? You risked the stability of your relationship, because you will need him there to pull you back.)_

_Was that selfish of me? _

Was it? If he self-destructed, Light would be alone, his fate uncertain. He needed Light to ground him, and Light in turn would benefit from the result. But, in wanting to save Light, he had to keep the notebook far away from him. To consider using it under the brunette's nose, even for what he deemed to be a just cause... he would be pulling Light into this deep pit after him, condemning them both.

"L?"

L stirred, considered a few responses he might have made and settled for, "Sugar. I'm low." This wouldn't be the first time he'd stared off into space as if he'd run out of fuel. "Can you get me something? I can't think."

"Of course, Sir."

Watari excused himself, giving L a few more minutes to himself. _Meet with Light... it feels too premature, too sudden, though I have been expecting Watari to ask it this entire time. _He ran through a quick, mental checklist, a pared down version of the current situation and what his next moves had to take into account:

_One, Watari cannot know that I have a notebook._

_Two, Watari cannot suspect that Light is still Kira, therefore he must never see that Kira-esque side._

_Three, Watari cannot know that I caused Mikami's death, nor that I would harbor such killing intent towards anyone._

_Four, Watari must not be anywhere near Wammy's House in the coming days._

The unspoken number five was more of a problem. It entailed the use of the death note and the covering up of such use so that no one suspected its involvement. L thought of what Matt had said, about Mello and fire, and considered what he knew of the notebook and controlling one's... _victims_ prior to their time of death. But if he was intending to save the children, it would be wrong to make even one of them a scapegoat in order to save the rest. That sort of thinking - sacrificing for the greater good - that was the path that could make good men make bad decisions. It was in such small details that evil could truly live.

L still held out some small hope that all of this planning would be unnecessary, and that there would be another way. Only time would tell. In the meantime, he had to be prepared.

---

Two chocolate glazed, coconut-sprinkled donuts and three cups of tea later, L and Watari were making the trip over to the other hotel to see Light.

L stalled as long as he could. He did not have a way to ascertain Light's state without Watari also being privy. The old man was not allowing him any time to make assurances. He could only hope that given enough time by himself, the Kira-esque personality would fade back, leaving the version of Light that Watari needed to interact with.

There was no doubt in L's mind that the British man would detect that other personality's presence. It was too close to Kira, and Watari had suffered Kira's presence long enough and been privy to that lashing, undercutting anger. Watari would recognize it.

L shoved his hands deeper into the pockets of his jeans and slouched after his mentor across the hard floor of the lobby, his sneakers making hushed squeaks upon its polished surface.

In an odd way, L felt sullen. He followed Watari's brown, brimmed hat and lighter brown trench coat with his eyes. It was trademark attire for the man; L couldn't remember seeing him without it. It reminded him of simpler days, where Watari indulged his younger self, affording him support and free rein but giving gentle and wise advice, as well as being the carrier for his voice as the detective L. Watari had been there for most of his life. The parts he cared to recall, anyway.

He came to live at Wammy's when the institution was nothing but a thought and a dream. His parents didn't mind, as long as they could expect compensation for putting his mind to use. A child with an unusually advanced intellect must have been too much for them to bother taking care of. Endless curiosity, an insatiable thirst for knowledge... he fast outstripped them.

By the time he was eight, he'd rather forgotten all about them and was already being molded into Watari's protege.

Watari never disclosed to him just how much his parents had collected when they'd dumped him off. He always just shook his head and said he didn't remember. On one, rare occasion, he'd said quietly that worth could not be measured in numbers and the amount was something L should never concern himself with.

L shrugged his shoulders, shaking off the reminiscences as if they were pesky insects. Watari was right. He needn't concern himself with such trivial things. However, his parents' shortsightedness in regards to money irked him remarkably. They could have made a killing if they had merely taken a cut from every case he solved instead of taking an upfront lump sum. But then, he supposed, they still might have had to face the child they'd abandoned.

The gap between himself and Watari had widened. L shuffled more hurriedly to catch up.

They ascended the stairs that both he and Wedy had taken to using after Light had been moved here. The stairs did not make Watari out of breath, for which L was grateful. He knew that eventually, he would be able to detect signs of aging, slowing, and wearing down in his benefactor; every day that passed without such signs forestalled the heavy weight of worry that threatened to fall upon him the moment they became reality.

It bothered him that he had to deceive Watari.

It bothered him that events were conspiring to align him against the man he had respected and looked up to for most of his life, while allying him with the person that had offered him both the greatest torment and the deepest comfort he'd ever experienced. He didn't like how it came down to a choice between the man who had cared for, supported, and raised him, and the boy who ripped him up and tore him down - the boy whom he could no longer live without.

Why must anyone make a choice such as this?

He did not give his loyalties lightly, but here he was, caught in the middle. His parental figure ascended the steps ahead of him like a barrier between him and the world, ready to protect him from being hurt, each step taking him closer to the threat he believed lay in wait to destroy L. His steady steps brought him closer to the lover L had had the misjudgment to have taken, and here L was, conspiring against the older man. He didn't deserve Watari's trust. Not when he had committed to ruining himself with Light, if that was what became of him. He didn't need a savior. He didn't want what was best for him. But he couldn't allow Watari to be caught in the crossfire for him, and he couldn't allow Watari to destroy the tenuous balance that he and Light had achieved.

Where lay the fiercer loyalty?

He trudged up the stairs, gained the landing, turned the corner, then did it again.

Light's hand wrapped around his still beating heart... Broken or twisted as the brunette was or may be... L knew there was no escaping him now. Every grievous wrong, every hurt, every dark little act that made his mind rebel simply drilled it into him further.

Light had his heart.

Light had the power to destroy him.

(_...but is the reverse true?_)

The game they played was a game of _'if'_. Kira and the Kira-esque personality had been the strongest players. Pushing. Pushing. Testing limits. Flirting with the idea of bringing everything down around them, just to hear the quality of the shattering.

((I dare _you_... You dare _me_...))

L didn't believe that even those two personalities were bent on causing as much trouble as they could, to the point of compromising themselves... but there were times where they seemed inclined to try, just to see what L would do. It was so dangerous.

Watari held the heavy door open for him at the top of the flight. L nodded his thanks and his acknowledgment that he was now being given the lead.

The older man trailed behind him now as he made his was to Light's room. Uncomfortably enough, he recalled a similar time, only it was Light that followed close behind him, and it was Watari that lay in ambush. He did not like to think on that, the sound of the taser or the sound of Light crumpling to the floor. Even more than those things, he did not want to dwell on the acrid taste of betrayal as he'd looked upon the fruits of his handiwork, nor the trusting, confused look on the brunette's face before he'd slipped out of consciousness.

But this was not the same thing. There was no ambush this time, and no betrayal except for L's wish to pull the wool over the older man's eyes. _No,_ he thought disparagingly. _No betrayal, except for the __**lies**__..._

_Lies, omissions, and the greater lies that will follow._

Was there a way to save Wammy's House without the notebook? If there were, he would dearly love to know what it was. But selfishness, fear and power had rooted too deeply within the organization that ran it. Purging it might be the only answer. Once routed, Watari could control and put things back to rights.

...If that was even what he wanted. For there had to be an original reason that his mentor had left the institution in the hands of others. Was it really only so he could train a dark-haired orphan to harness his mind and become a great detective, useful in supporting a home for others like himself? Or had the burden been to great, causing the man to defect, just as his own parents had done with him?

L stopped in front of the hotel room door, frowning deeply. The plausible parallel between Watari and his absent parents rankled. Was his trust in the older man all these years misplaced? Was Watari truly on his side, or was L simply convenient?

"Sir?"

_This doubt._

_Searching for reasons to fault... to blame and criticize. The fact that I am susceptible just now, at this juncture, just proves that my trust is not unwavering, and lies more firmly with my lover than with my 'parent'. _

_Be it justified or not, it is Light that I will fight to keep with me at any cost._

There were a dozen things that L wanted to ask Watari then. _How much did my parents sell me for? Why did you leave Wammy's House? If you could, would you go back to run it?_ These were foremost but he didn't dare enter in those lines of questioning. They were the sorts of things you asked when you were walking into a battle zone, or when the future was uncertain. This was neither of those things, and pursuing it would only make Watari suspicious. This was merely a chat (no, not even an interrogation), with the sole purpose of proving that Light was no longer Kira. Light was perfectly up to that, and his stance on killing would pave the way to the disclosure of his lost memories. Watari would see it.

"I apologize, Watari. My mind was elsewhere."

"May I ask the subject matter?"

"My parents, for some reason." L decided to be partially honest. "I can't say that I spared them more than a passing thought in these past years. I don't see why I should now. You have been a far more capable guardian than they ever could have hoped to be."

Watari put a hand on his shoulder. It was a mute acceptance of words L had never before spoken.

L took a shallow breath, mindful of the hand on his shoulder. "I suppose it would be rather trite to ask you to go easy on him, considering how he has treated you in the past?"

"I will keep in mind what you've said about his mental condition, and will be as easy on him as he allows. For your sake, I hope that what you've told me is true. The world doesn't need Kira, and neither do you."

The hand on L's shoulder squeezed lightly then released him as L rolled the false-sounding statement in his head.

_The world doesn't need Kira?_

_But what if it did? _

_And who would it be that would make that sacrifice or bear that heavy crown?_

The door gave way beneath L's hand, a sudden weariness stealing over him.

Light had been perfect. Light had assumed that throne and it was only L that had taken him down from it. Fraying mind or not, Light had made himself the sacrifice and had been bearing it well, unraveling in the service of the new world he struggled to create. But L wasn't willing to let him destroy himself for the sake of that world. He was too precious for that. Precious and broken, torn up and spit out by that which he tried to save.

It didn't matter that Light had chosen to see himself as a god of that new world. It would have been the only palpable reward to keep him going. And perhaps the brunette had realized that, and the folly of it all, and that was why he had allowed L to force him out of it.

L paused before putting the key in the double-sided deadbolt that safeguarded Light. Would he be asleep right now? He seemed to find solace in that after switching personalities. Either way, he would need to be awake for this. L regretted not being able to offer any sort of warning for this surprise visit, but there was nothing to be done. The bolt slid back as he turned the key. He could apologize later for the intrusion. At least Light had known to expect it at some point.

He swung the door partway open, peering inside to see if Light's Kira-like personality had vented its frustration or anger upon the room (it hadn't) and locating the brunette's position. He was laying on the bed, hands folded over his stomach, his breathing even and deep.

L looked back at Watari, and mouthed, "I guess he's asleep," with a small shrug. Watari indicated that he go wake him up. L shrugged again, having expected the response.

He shuffled over to the bed, curious as to why Light was wearing one of his own white, scoop-necked sweaters. Between that and his sleep-disheveled hair he looked quite young and adorable. L smiled faintly and sat on the edge, leaning over to to rouse him. "Light," he said softly, "Watari wanted to speak with you."

Amber eyes slowly opened, startlingly clear for one who had just been awoken. L stared at him a few moments, expression flattening, trying to place something which seemed to be amiss.

He felt his eyes widen and his lips compress in a thin line when it dawned on him. In turn, Light's eyes glowed with amusement and a sharp, smug smile spread across his face. L fought the urge to look behind him at Watari, as unease shot through him, and instead just hoped that his back blocked Light from sight.

This was the last thing he needed.

"I wasn't asleep," the Kira-like version of Light said softly, almost indulgently. Gold eyes watched him for reaction, like a vulture searching for signs of weakness as he prodded. Hungry. An articulate hand reached to touch his face. So gentle, but it burned with intent. "I was waiting for you."

_Waiting..._

_Had Light never regained control? It had been hours..._

L swallowed against the slightly frantic scrabbling that welled in his chest. How destructive was this Light feeling? How far would he go? Did he understand what was at stake here, or was he blinded by the desire to get even?

_Abort._

_Abort this attempt._

L straightened up and turned to look at Watari, mask firmly in place. "He seems a little out of it - perhaps we should come back at another time. He has not been sleeping very well--"

"I'm fine," a faint, rich voice said, challenging his escape. It was exactly the tone that could be expected from someone who was groggy and overwhelmed but trying to persevere.

_Don't!_

L turned back, giving Light a warning glare, to which the brunette responded with glee filling his eyes_. You want me to stay silent?_ he seemed to say. L could not nod, Watari would question him about it later, so he settled for intensifying his glare.

"It's just a few questions, right, Ryuuzaki?" Light said in that thready, exhausted voice, his face at odds with the act as stared back at L. Smug. Infuriatingly arrogant and self-satisfied. "I'll manage."

L resented Light for the placating hand that patted his thigh with affected weakness, purposefully in line of Watari so that the other man could see the closeness it belied. His mentor coughed pointedly, furthering L's mortification at such behavior and making him clench his hands into fists. Light was just solidifying the evidence of just how intimate their relationship might be, and it was details like that which L would have preferred to keep undisclosed, especially now when his own judgment was being assessed just as thoroughly as the brunette's mental state.

_Stop it_, he mouthed.

_Red becomes you_, Light responded just as silently.

L stood abruptly and paced to the other side of the room. "I didn't mean to be in your way, Watari, I apologize," he said as cover. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Light sit up and slide clumsily backwards to use the pillows as a backrest. L watched him like a hawk, waiting to see signs of that dark personality seeping through the nearly flawless act, his ears strained to catch faults in his voice as Watari began to question him.

He couldn't say later what specific questions Watari actually asked.

His entire being was focused on Light, catching the flickers of darkness in those eyes, the ghosts of malicious smiles haunting those lips. Something in him felt strained, as if it were working to supplement Light's cover and mend the tiny gaps which seemed to him as large as gaping holes. Was it his imagination that they were growing larger? He twitched his eyes towards Watari. Nothing had changed there. The older man was speaking and listening with great concentration, cautious, not alarmed.

"What are your thoughts on the second Kira?" Watari asked the brunette.

L jumped slightly as sound suddenly returned to him and the question itself zinged his worn nerves. His eyes whipped to the boy on the bed and he was aghast to see the upturned corner of that mouth. Light's eyes were turned down, pensively it seemed, but L knew it was to cover the actual emotion in his eyes - the amusement that would leak from them like blood from a wound. "The second Kira?" Light asked, not fully masking the traces of it that were seeping into his voice.

_Is he losing it? Is this where the act decays and everything is revealed?_

L's eyes flicked between them. Back and forth. His muscles tensed, readying for action. Of what kind, he did not know.

"Actually, Ryuuzaki and I are at a bit of a disagreement on that." Gold eyes caught his, playing with him. L fought his expression into a loosely blank one. A second later, he felt the older man's eyes on him.

"That we disagree on certain things is nothing new, Yagami-kun."

"But don't you find it to be ironic?" Light asked. "The second Kira caused much less harm, and was responsible for far less murders than Kira, and yet who is it that earned your greater disdain?"

"Why should that matter?" Watari asked, sensing something beyond the immediate words.

"It doesn't," L ground out. "It is merely a point of contention."

Light smiled pleasantly, a disguise for the darker baring of teeth that itched to be loose upon his face. He watched L as Watari asked him to clarify.

L tried to be patient. He was twitching. _What are you doing, Light? _"I found the second Kira to be far more mentally unstable, as was evidenced by his erratic behavior and his chosen victims. He would have been the greater long-term threat."

"Oh?" Light made himself look the picture of prim dejection. "And here I thought you might have at least mentioned the abduction. I didn't exactly enjoy that, you know."

_Bastard! Calling attention to..._

"Light-kun, are you trying to say that L is biased? That he saw the second Kira as more of a threat than the first merely because he had abducted you?"

L bit his lip. He could see where Watari was going to take this. Watari already knew he'd been bent out of shape at Light's disappearance, that was nothing new, but...

"..." Light crossed his arms over his chest and looked away as if he were pouting.

"Light-kun, are you aware of any reason the second Kira might have had in abducting you of all people?"

_Damn._ This is what he thought Watari was getting at, but how would Light deflect it? He'd set it up so poorly while trying to make L squirm with insinuation. To imply that he viewed Kira favorably... it only gave more fuel to the fire of suspicion Watari already harbored. And to go so far as to bring up his treatment in Mikami's hands, especially when L had been trying to avoid that...

"Watari-san," Light's voice had dropped increments lower than his previous tone. "Would you like me to say that I am Kira? Would that put your mind to rest?"

Watari's shoulders stiffened slightly.

L tasted blood suddenly as he bit through his lip.

"That's the only reason, isn't it? Killers are drawn to killers... For what other reason would the second Kira come after me. He must have thought to join forces, right?" Light's voice sounded a little wild, unsteady. Was this still an act? "But tell me, Watari, might there not have been some other reason? Because I can't seem to fathom myself as Kira while being confined to another man's bed in chains, can you?"

Watari did not speak for several minutes. None of them did.

"Besides," Light said darkly, "I'd never even seen the man before, yet he certainly seemed to know me."

Watari got up from his chair and crossed the floor to L, leaning to speak near his ear so as not to be overheard. "I think that's enough for today. He doesn't seem to be like he was... certainly I've never hear him utter even the possibility of being Kira when we were sure he was. However, I think that his fluctuating expression of emotion is indicative of the instability you spoke of."

L nodded, keeping his gaze lowered so that he did not see Light nor meet Watari's eyes. "It has been difficult at times, but there has been improvement."

"I don't think it wise to press him further right now."

L looked up and saw that Watari was watching Light, who now had his arms curled around himself and was lying with his back to them.

_Had that been a true outburst then?_

"L, I'll be going. Maybe you should stay with him a little while though."

"Ah," L assented, pulling his eyes from Light with a frown. Was it possible the brunette had switched to his more congenial self during the coarse of the questioning? Was it a headache he was suffering now? "I'll let you out."

They walked to the door, L unlocking the deadbolt with his key and allowing the older man through. When Watari had crossed the common area to the main door, letting himself out into the hallway, L relocked the door and slipped the key back into his pocket.

He was startled to see Light sitting on the edge of the bed, watching him. Oh, he had most certainly not changed at all from the moment he'd entered the room. That gaze ran up and down his body, assessing, drawing out the unease that had been temporarily banished by his worry for the brunette. He could feel it now, crawling up along his skin.

"I know you're hiding things," Light said lazily, rising from the bed. "Tell me."

That purposeful stride was unsettling. "I'll come back when you're you." L tossed out, fumbling for the key to let himself out.

A well-formed hand planted itself against the door in front of him. L swallowed, feeling the heat of Light's body behind him. "I'll tell you what I think," Light said. His voice was deceptively cavalier. "I think you are trying to push me out of him so that you can feel secure in moving out of this place." Breath against his ear. The brush of lips. "I think you're hiding things from me, and your mentor."

L shrugged him off and moved away, giving him his most deadpan expression. "What are you talking about?" His arms were crossing over his chest, unbidden.

"You wanted to go to England previously - to take me with you," Light prompted. "What business do you have there?"

"It is needless to reveal such things to you."

Light laughed, and his voice regained its slightly mocking sound, abandoning the casual questioning tone it had adopted previously, "Oh, L, it is not that simple. You may be waiting for me to disappear, but I don't think you have the luxury of waiting until that happens. _If_ it happens."

L frowned at him, rubbing his arms as a chill coasted through him. "What are you trying to say?"

"I think I've proven that I can be cooperative." That voice was cajoling now, affecting an air of persuasion yet carrying the sharp undertone of a lurking threat.

---

Light paused to watch L's eyes cloud over and smiled at the shadow that crossed his face. "Wouldn't it be beneficial to have me well-informed, and willing to play along?"

"I have no need to humor you," L said tightly. "If anything, you'll sabotage me the first opportunity you get."

Light made a show of examining his nails. "I don't know if I would stand by that assessment. There was plenty I might have said just now to the old man, but you'll note that I refrained." He met L's eyes and smiled once more. "I can be an anchor around your neck if I so choose, but I don't believe that is something your plans would survive."

Reluctantly, he muttered, "What do you propose?"

Light moved purposely towards L, noting that L's hand moved stealthily to one of his pockets. "I wouldn't do that if I were you," he said amiably. "Not unless you weren't planning to hear me out."

L's hand hesitantly dropped to his side, abandoning the retrieval of what Light suspected to be one of those nasty little tasers.

"Hmm," he said, reaching up to touch L's distrustful, pinched face. He savored the flinch as their skin made contact. "What do I require in order to be a helpful little lapdog?" He patted L's cheek disparagingly. Black eyes were fixed on him, wide, as if L were forcing himself not to bolt. "Just give me what I _want_ every once in a while." _Give me access to you. _

"No."

"Don't be stubborn," Light said sharply, his fisted hand striking the wall behind the dark-haired boy's head. L's insubordination was infuriating at times. "I'm willing to be flexible."

"I'm not being stubborn," L ground out. "You are intolerable!"

"It comes to mind that I would make a better ally in your little plan than _he_ would."

"You don't know anything."

"Not until you tell me, true, but I can see in your eyes that it is something you find to be a heavy task, and one that you judge yourself for rather strictly. Do you think that other part of me won't judge you even more harshly? I am open to seeing death as a necessity. He is not."

L sagged against the wall, a crease forming between his eyes. "It wouldn't be such a problem if you didn't exist."

"You think so?" he asked with a lilting, nearly caressing tone. "I believe the reason I'm here is because he can't _handle_ it. Come now, L, we can trust each other. We both want the same things, after all."

"We seem to differ on the matter of closeness. I want you nowhere near me."

"Now, that's not true." Light smiled indulgently. "But I will not argue the matter. I am prepared to be agreeable, as I've said. I will defer to your spoken wishes, within reason, and will not act beyond that. Meet me in the middle, L." He leaned down, resting his cheek against the other boy's and whispered into his ear. "_Stop running from me._"

L shuddered, and tried to push him away. Light gave way, but only a fraction.

"You have some nerve after the things you're wont to say to me."

"I've been harsh, I'll admit," Light ceded. "Jealousy does that. I don't like how you've decided so easily to discard me for a weaker version, nor how you so dismissively wait for me to disappear."

L's eyes warily met his. "You said yourself that you are merely a part of him."

"Merely," Light scoffed. "Yes, well, a part nonetheless, and I do not want to disappear back into anonymity. Not when he's getting everything **I** want. It doesn't seem fair, does it? Wouldn't anyone feel vengeful over such a thing? Wouldn't anyone want to do what they could to divert that behavior?" He sidled closer. "I wanted to hurt you, _L._" The syllable of the detective's name rolled sensually over his tongue. "But I don't have to be so cruel," he said softly. "It's in your hands. It's only when you defy me that I stop playing nice."

He sensed the deliberation in L, the weakening resolve, the uncertainty, and the stifled anger.

He nuzzled L's neck. "Appease me, and we will both profit from it. Maybe I'll even willingly let him put me back in my box."

"There will be no second chances."

Oh, the fragile strength of those words. It was delicious. That such a pact of words is what L might put his trust in. He had no intentions of dropping out now, of losing access to this delightful being in front of him. The taste of his flesh felt so right between his teeth, his eyes clenched shut and the trembling of his body was too perfect. Light began dissecting him thread by thread, unraveling L's tenacity and authority with the speed of a weaving spider._ Mine. You're mine. _

But for now he had to play the line between what L wouldn't allow and what L would actually punish him for. Surely he could prove to L that he wasn't so much of a danger that he must be fled at all costs... Though he dearly loved that he could inspire such breath-halting anxiety in the other boy, that only he could make those dark, beautiful eyes shimmer with trepidation and anticipation. L could deny it all he wanted. Sweetness and tenderness were not what undid him; it was this lust that threatened to burn and destroy that he was drawn to.

He pulled on the sleeve of L's shirt, exposing the curve of his shoulder to his mouth.

L tensed beneath him and Light could feel his mind whirring with thoughts of resistance. He broke them with each caress of lips on skin, and each resulting shudder of L's frame.

"W-why are you wearing one of my shirts?" L asked palely.

"It smells like you, and feels like you... It was the closest I could get to being inside of you after you ran from me."

"D-don't say things like that!" L looked disturbed, but there was a flush on his porcelain cheeks.

"But I desire you, L," he murmured, laying kisses upon his lips, choosing words that would exacerbate the inner battle that L so often fought. "I _crave_ you."

"Stop it."

L's breathing was accelerated. He was caught somewhere between distress and desire. He was never more beautiful than this. Light tilted his face up and kissed him, devouring his hesitant mouth. It really wasn't fair that L thought to reject him - all for what he felt was the 'right' personality. He hated the feeling of being pushed back and having that other version come to the fore. And nearly crying that time, _please_. It was beyond pathetic. L needed someone aggressive, who would pull the pleasure from him until he was weak and shaking from it. He needed options to be taken out of his hands so that he could stop _thinking_.

Maybe he wouldn't be so adamant about this if his weaker version would give in to his darker impulses. Like earlier... it was nearly enough. He could be content with even that. But then there had been a weakening. As soon as L had challenged his other version, he'd backed down, been contrite. _I had no choice but to set that right, to gain the upper hand by whatever means._

Teru was a good card for leverage. Unfortunately, the weaker personality was still too sentient and had pushed him out again at the pivotal moment.

But if niceties were what L thought he wanted... he could play along. He'd force himself to play along... at least for a little while.

"OW! Light! I said, stop!"

Light realized he had let his thinking distract himself a little too much. While thinking of holding back, he had given in and marked L's pretty skin again. _Oops._

He'd only broken it a little though, and L's face wasn't flushed solely from anger. Better to play things safe, however. He pretended to be like the weaker version of himself and said, "Ryuuzaki, I'm sorry," pulling back at the same time. It sounded quite genuine to even his own ears, though L seemed not to think so.

L dragged his shirt back over his shoulder, glowering darkly. "This is why I said I don't want you near me. You don't know _how_ to stop."

"It was unintentional."

"That's what you said last time!"

"Oh? But last time wasn't really _me_, was it?"

L glared impotently and looked away.

Light smiled, pleased that he had been able to smack L with that. _So maybe the weaker part isn't as weak as you think, nor as perfect as you wish. _L had been rather upset with how rough things had been, though rough seemed too strong a word. _And it wasn't my fault at all, was it. Haha. _Perhaps he could stand to blend back in with that part. If anything, it would prevent L from idealizing one over the other, wouldn't it? But first things first...

"I'll refrain from anything further as a show of my sincerest regret at hurting you," Light said. _Though that reddened mark on your neck suits your pale skin so well,_ he thought admiringly. "In exchange, I would like you to tell me what you have been keeping a secret from everyone."

L ducked around him, a hand clapped over the mark on his neck. "I don't feel like it."

"So? Get over it." If he could stop violating L when he didn't didn't feel like stopping, L could damn well make himself talk. Talking should be a damn sight easier, anyway.

"Get over _yourself_! What kind of half-assed apology was that anyway? If you stopped because you were sorry, that's one thing, but than you go and use that as a bargaining chip. I'm not an idiot."

"It was, perhaps, a poor choice of words." Sometimes it was annoying that L was so perceptive. It didn't let him get away with much.

"Although maybe it was stupid of me to even consider your offer," L muttered to himself.

Anger prickled through Light like an oncoming storm. "What did you say?" He couldn't possibly be reconsidering _now_. Nothing had changed. He could still ruin things for L if he wanted, and his request had not been unreasonable in the first place - just skin and the divulging of secrets. Well, skin and a good deal more. Why couldn't he get enough of L even when the dark-haired detective could be so infuriating?

"You're unpredictable, violent, and only cooperative when it suits you." Scorn marked his pale features and deep black eyes.

"You're making me angry, L." Few things rivaled his hatred of being dismissed. Very few things... but they included unpredictability in a situation, and not having the upper hand.

"Get over it," L flung back at him as he paced. "I've been pissed off and at the end of my rope for months."

Light struggled with the urge to knock his hand across that impudent little mouth. He should let that pass in the spirit of reconciliation, shouldn't he? L was letting off steam. In a completely unforgivable manner, but he could make himself not react, couldn't he? Light gritted his teeth.

"I must've been out of my mind to think you could help me. If anything, you'll be the thing that finally strangles me."

"I could strangle you now," Light said darkly, stepping towards him. "I wouldn't want to disappoint, after all."

"Don't come any closer," L warned, digging his hand into his pocket.

"Or what?" Light sneered, taking another step and another.

L backed up, but his face was hard. He pulled the compact stun gun out of his pocket, ready to use it.

"A taser?" Light asked in mock delight. "Oh, you shouldn't have." He lunged forward before he finished speaking and heard the sizzling crack of the taser as he dodged its metal prongs and twisted L's arm behind his back. Shoving L onto the mattress, face first, he hiked L's arm into an increasingly uncomfortable position until his grip on the taser loosened. "You really shouldn't have," he said as he took the device.

L let out a frustrated noise. His free arm was pinned beneath him, and he could not strike out at Light with his legs, as the brunette was out of range, sitting on his hips.

"Now, L," Light said in mock pleasantry, "I'm sure you'll come to love these little things as much as I do, given the proper acquaintance." He held the taser close to L's face, forcing him to strain backwards to gain even a little distance from it. "What do you say?" His thumb hovered threateningly over the button.

L shut his eyes tight, as if to protect them. "Please, don't," he said shortly.

"Oh, but you seemed to think it was fine to use this on me...rather hypocritical of you, L." He paused. "Or did you merely mean _not in the face_?"

L shook his head minutely.

"Open your eyes."

L's breathing thinned, but he did not comply.

"Open them!" he barked out.

Warily, one eye cracked open, than the other.

"Look at me, and tell me just who is in control here," Light demanded, applying pressure to L's folded back arm until he got an answer.

"Y-you are," L gasped out, wincing.

"That's right, and I am done playing games. I'll not allow you to keep me caged like some kind of animal. You are going to let me walk out of here--"

"I can't do that--"

"_Don't_ interrupt me," Light snapped, shoving the taser against L's cheek. "Do you understand?"

L nodded weakly, desperation playing across his face. It placated Light somewhat to see that.

"Now, you are going to tell me all about what you've been hiding, piece by detailed piece, leaving nothing out. If I sense that you are holding back or lying, I will use this on you. I would also suggest that you maintain eye contact, or my hand just might slip. It is such an easily pressed button, I would hate for that to happen accidentally."

L nodded again, then said, "My arm... hurts, can you..."

"Oh, this?" Light hiked L's arm up another notch, causing him to let out a muffled cry of pain. "I suggest you start talking fast, then maybe I'll consider doing something about it."

"Watari is... Quillish Wammy..."

Light eased the hold on L's arm quite a bit. He'd been intending to anyway, but if he wanted to teach L how to behave properly, he couldn't appear to reward bad behavior.

L, wisely, did not thank him for the reprieve. If he had, Light would have had to backtrack, and he was sure L's arm was already feeling quite strained.

"Go on."

"He founded... Wammy House, where I..." L paused here, strangely enough, his gaze seeming to have gone inward.

"Where what?" Light prompted.

"It's a place for kids of promising intellect..." L said, changing tracks. "A sort of institution of higher learning, capable of meeting the needs that normal schools cannot."

"That wasn't what you were going to say a moment ago."

"It is," L said stubbornly.

"Don't try my patience. I'd rather not break your arm for such a minor reason, would you?"

L looked away.

"You're right," Light said, "The taser requires much less effort on my part." He shoved the device against L's back.

"Wait!"

Light paused. "Yes?"

"'Where I grew up'. That's what I was going to say."

"That's it?"

L dropped his head onto the mattress, letting out a muffled, "Yes."

Light wasn't sure why such a thing would be so hard to admit, or why L would be loathe to disclose such a seemingly insignificant piece of information. It made him feel uncomfortable, more so than anything thus far could have or should have. As such, he allowed L to break his rule about eye contact without a word. "Where are the parents of these children?"

"Some used to visit, but that was before."

"What about yours?"

There was that tensing again.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"And I don't want to taser you," Light said quietly. "Just tell me, Ryuuzaki." He was slightly surprised in his own change in demeanor, unplanned as it was. L surprised him further by responding.

"They dumped me off there as a kid. I don't know much more than the fact that I was unwanted." He laughed a little. "That and... they accepted a sum of money for it."

"Watari paid them for you?"

"Yes. They brought me there and had me take the assessment tests before ever bringing it up. I guess Watari felt I would be wasted wherever else they decided to leave me. Maybe he saw the potential I had for making the institution money when I got older, I don't know."

Light chewed distractedly on the inside of his cheek. He was still taken aback by L being so forthcoming all of a sudden. Was being 'nice' really the way to get inside him? Or was this just something so bottled up, that once he began speaking, he was bound to divulge everything?

"Both of my arms hurt," L said sullenly, testing.

"I'm sorry. But I need you to tell me what all of this has to do with anything, and what you are planning to do. If I let you up, I doubt I'll hear the rest of it."

"I was thinking of burning the place down and killing everyone inside."

Light felt his eyebrows raise. "Why?" It seemed a little odd, since it was the place L had grown up in.

"Ah, so it is still you," L mumbled to himself. "I wasn't sure."

Light frowned. "Hey. Look at me."

L turned his head and looked up at him through messy jags of black hair.

"You couldn't tell, so you test me by seeing if a homicidal binge puts me off? That's a rather rude way of doing things."

"Ah. Tactless, perhaps?"

"Is that really the only way you can tell us apart??"

L thought about it a moment. "Other than the fact that one of you condones killing and the other does not... I suppose the fact that you were neither molesting me nor injuring me threw me off."

Light scoffed. "If you miss any of the above, I'd be glad to--"

"No! That's quite alright. In fact, letting me up might be a great idea."

Light ignored him and his diversion tactic. "You are planning to kill people though, aren't you? Why and how?"

"...I'm not sure yet. I may have to. It's... the organization that grew in Watari's absence. At first it was merely a way to run the facility, but they've made it into a sort of prison or laboratory. They no longer let the kids have contact with the outside world. I've heard things though, recently the situation has gotten even worse. And you..."

"What about me?" He wasn't sure he was following L's disjointed explanation.

"You've had an effect as well. They've been questioning my judgment for a while now. If it were ever found out that you were alive... that Kira was alive..."

"You said yourself that I wasn't Kira anymore. Why should that matter?"

"You, Watari and I are the only ones who know that you didn't die. If they found out what an elaborate lie that was, I'm done. They don't trust me as it is. They'll come for me and lock me up somewhere in Wammy's, if not worse. You... I think they would kill you on sight."

Light had to admit, that came as quite a shock. His mouth felt rather dry. "Do you trust Watari?"

"It's complicated. I do, and I don't. He seems to think that The Board can be swayed, but I know better. I've felt them closing in for some time now. They don't like me as I am out of their immediate grasp, and they've even accused me of fabricating the second Kira entirely. They are just waiting for an excuse to clip my wings. They would most likely keep me alive so that I can keep working and making them money. Watari is afraid that my involvement with you will tip the balance. He doesn't trust you at all. Nor should he."

Light tried not to let that last bit chafe. "So his questioning earlier...?"

"Assessing a threat. If he saw that you were no longer Kira, and had even lost your memories of it, in his eyes that makes you innocent. It robs him of his standing to... put an end to the current situation."

"If he knew that you'd used the death note..."

"I don't know what his moral obligation would have him do. I'd probably be locked up in prison for it, crushed under the shame of having become like the very criminal I had terminated. Ironic, isn't it?"

Light stared down at him. "Not entirely. I seem to recall you telling me one night, soon after I joined the investigation, that you did not necessarily think that what Kira was doing was wrong."

"A moment of weakness. Killing is wrong."

"You're considering using it again, aren't you?"

"Yes. Though if I can find an alternative, yet equally effective method of achieving my goal..."

"So that's why you told me everything, about being Kira, and the death god. You wanted all cards on the table because you wanted my opinion."

"Well, not yours per se, I assumed you would be all for the killing."

"Just because it doesn't bother me doesn't mean I advocate it above rationality, Ryuuzaki."

"Would it be rational now to ask you to let me up? I do believe you have enough dirt on me to keep me from doing whatever it is you wanted to keep me from doing."

Light considered this. "All right, but the taser is mine."

"Fine, fine, just let me up."

Light released his arm and swung off of him. L's arm flopped to his side with a muttered 'ow'.

---

L, with effort, rolled into a sitting position, wincing as pins and needles flared down both of his arms. He glared at Light as he rubbed them.

Light appeared unruffled and merely sat watching him.

L was confused at the brunette's mixed behavior. He almost seemed like the rational version of himself at this point, though he was not appalled at the thought of killing people, as he should have been. Not only that, the Kira-like Light tended to always call him L, not Ryuuzaki as he had been. The cues he used to distinguish the two personalities were mixing and obliterating. As he'd said, if the Kira-esque personality was not being aggressive, domineering, or advocating death, it was really rather difficult to tell them apart.

"Why are you giving me that look?" Light asked.

"What look?"

"Like I'm something under a microscope that you are busily trying to classify."

"I'm not sure that it would be helpful to--" He stopped. Light was giving him that pointed look. Confusing cues or not, the brunette still had possession of the taser, and L's arms were only just starting to acclimate to increased bloodflow. "Ah... well, you just seem a little different. It's nothing."

"Different how?"

"More... reasonable, perhaps?"

"Idiot. I'm always reasonable."

"Ok then, less glinty and less likely to tear me into tiny pieces."

"Glinty?" Light raised an eyebrow.

"It's something you do with your eyes..." L trailed off, feeling somewhat foolish and too aware of Light's growing amusement. "Oh, never mind. I told you it was nothing."

He concentrated on the hopeful thought that Light was potentially finding some sort of equilibrium, and that that was the cause of the blurring between personalities. What a joy that would be. He was getting too old for this sort of manhandling. The throbbing at the side of his neck reminded him of the injury he'd sustained earlier when Light had tried to take a bite out of him. Great. Turtlenecks again? They were so constricting. He got up and started rummaging through the closet.

"What are you doing?" Light asked in a stiff tone.

"Changing. You've rendered it impossible for me to be seen in my normal attire." L pulled his shirt over his head and dropped it on the floor, having located a charcoal colored turtleneck hanging deep in the back of the closet.

"Were you planning on going somewhere?"

L stiffened as something cold and hard pressed into his bare back. The taser. "I was thinking to, yes."

"And leave me all alone?" Light's lips brushed against his bare shoulder, making him shiver. "I wouldn't advise that."

"But I have to leave sometime, and there are...things..." A hot mouth was exploring the column of his throat, distracting him from the art of forming words. "Things that...." What was it about the sensitivity of one's neck seeming directly correlated to the stability of one's legs? "...I have to take care of - ow!" Light had rediscovered abused flesh and was picking up where he left off. "Ow, stop," he said, trying to wriggle away, but Light held him fast, wrapping arms around him and tilting his head back with the hand that held the taser. The suction of his mouth and caresses of his tongue both hurt and felt wrongfully good.

"Did you forget our agreement so soon, L?" Light spoke in his ear. "The taser's mine, you're mine, and you are not setting foot outside of this room without me."

"I don't... recall agreeing to all of that."

"I assure you, you did."

L gathered himself for his reply, ignoring (trying to) the hand brushing down his stomach in increasingly lower concentric circles. "The taser is on loan, I belong to no one, and even if you leave this room, there is nowhere you can go."

"You _are_ mine, and you know it. And I _will_ go outside, whether you like it or not. Being trapped inside these damn hotels is enough to make one go mad."

"You did not appear to enjoy the last disguise we concocted to keep you from being recognized."

"If you are referring to that dreadful span of time during which you had me dress like a woman, and even entertaining the thought of suggesting that again, I will gladly use this on you right now," Light pressed the taser under his chin, "and continue using it until you begin foaming at the mouth or your testicles fall off, whichever happens first."

"Right...Well, rest assured if I were going to mention something to that effect, I most certainly won't now."

"Teru seemed wildly successful with his disguise, and I believe that I was allowed to maintain my gender. Just a thought."

"I wish you would call him _Mikami_," L grumbled, forgetting the consistent position of the taser for a moment as his irritation on the matter finally broke through his patience. It had been irking him this entire time, to hear the man's given name be the only thing Light referred to him by. It was too intimate sounding, and L could admit, it made him jealous. "It's always _Teru_ this, and _Teru_ that..."

"Can I help it if that was the only name he gave me?"

"I told you his other name," L insisted. "You have to be doing it on purpose."

"Are you implying that killing him was not enough to slay your jealousy?"

"Get this thing out of my face," L snapped, referring to the taser. Admitting he was jealous in the privacy of his own mind was one thing. Being teased about it by a twisted, sadistic psycho with a stun gun was quite another.

"Say please."

"I think I hate you."

"Too late to lie about that now,_ Ryuuzaki_," Light crooned his false name at him sweetly, and L could hear the leer in it.

L considered mocking him about how good his legs looked in heels and a skirt, not to mention the trail of admirers he'd gained on many of their outings, but wasn't quite sure Light had been joking about using the taser. He was rather foul-tempered about the whole affair even on a good, sane day.

"Fine," L said sarcastically, "I love you so much I can't stand it - let me go."

Light let him go, but roughly shoved him against the wall. "Are you mocking me?" he asked coldly, hand firmly against L's throat.

L blinked at him, wide-eyed. "N-no." His hands moved up to try and dislodge Light's, but his grip was awfully solid. _I'm sarcastic all the time. Why would that particular... No... Could it be that..._ "Are... are you trying to tell me that that horrible confession you gave me when Misa was still alive was actually _true_?"

Light's face was as closed and expressionless as a stone sentinel. He stared at L as if he were an offensive little bug crushed under his shoe. L got the impression Light was trying to intimidate him out of wanting an answer.

Or what about the more recent instance... when Light had been taunting him over killing Mikami for him? _'I love you, _Ryuuzaki_,'_ he'd sneered. _'Would you throw me away so easily?'_ It seemed like eons ago, that that exchange had happened, that Light had been so hatefully throwing things in his face. He hadn't stopped to wonder if he _meant_ it. It seemed too ludicrous an idea to even entertain. He'd assumed it was said out of spite, just like the time before.

He narrowed his eyes at Light, and Light did the same.

"If it is true, you have a funny way of showing it," L said dryly, wishing the feral light would die down in those amber eyes.

_How many times have I thought of it as love? Crushing, yes, maiming, certainly... but it is so much more like a spoiled child that is being possessive over a toy that I never really considered it as fitting the labels I gave it. Love. It was more a sort of macabre humor that I ever called it such a thing._

"Think what you like," Light said finally, releasing him.

Curiously, Light avoided his eyes then, crossing the room towards the bathroom. "Where are you going?" L asked, perplexed. _I thought he was hell-bent on leaving the room?_ "Didn't you want to--"

"Shower," Light said shortly. "Do what you like."

The door swung shut, and promptly, L could hear the sound of running water.

_I must have hit a nerve..._

For Light to so suddenly change gears like that, to do a complete 180...

L resumed the donning of the charcoal colored turtleneck, his mind still refusing to wrap itself around the concept that Light might in fact really... care. He couldn't even say it properly in his head, that was how foreign the idea was. That Light, as fragmented and cruel as he could be... might actually... love him.

If he did... at what point had he become aware of it? Before he gave up the death note, of that, L was certain. It was one of the few times he could really believe the brunette cared. And yet, cruelty continued. The hurting continued. Just what did the word love mean to someone like Light anyway?

To L, it meant caring, trust, and self-sacrifice.

What did it mean to Light past possession?

At one point in time, L would have felt relieved to know that Light might feel that way about him, to know that he was capable of love. But what did it amount to if they were working off of different definitions? What did it matter if love wasn't strong enough to keep someone from hurting you, or you from hurting them?

L felt heavy and confused as he let himself out of the room, and locked it behind him, shutting Light into the room he professed to hate yet had decided not to leave. It was not a heavy door. It was amazing the force of emotion it held behind it.

L tugged at the cloth around his neck, feeling stifled already, and weary. So weary.

* * *

TBC

**A/N:** I like the thought of L in shades of grey and black. ^__^

Um, also, sorry for sidetracking myself somewhat on writing the other fic, PITCH. I planned not to, and it happened anyway. Don't hate. :0


	38. The Framed Roger Ruvie

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 38: The Framed Roger Ruvie)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

**A/N:** Pleas for updates break my heart, dammit. Time constraints and such have made updating difficult. Thank you for keeping the faith and bearing with these lethargic pauses between chapters. (No, I have not died or joined the legions of the undead. But there is still time!)

* * *

Chapter 38:

One month later...

A woman with white-blonde hair, which was cropped in a severe line just below her chin, shuffled some papers rather officially before fixing the camera with a stern gaze. The wide table at which she sat made her look pale and was a resting place for her balled hands. She spoke:

_"Tonight's news involves the arson of a prestigious school for gifted youths. Authorities are still searching for clues as to who might be responsible for the fire that almost entirely destroyed the structure, injuring more than 50 people. The lead suspect is none other than Roger Ruvie, who has been in charge of this institution for more than 15 years..."_

Light walked into the dark room, illuminated only by the glow of the television, his lingering presence unnoticed. "I would have done things differently." The bags he'd been carrying, evidence of his trip outside, had long since settled in a rustle of plastic on the floor.

His soft, offhanded words carried the undercurrent of disapproval.

L hit the pause button and stared at him from the foot of the bed for a long moment. "Indeed you would have."

The flat they were now renting was in downtown London, but in some ways felt no different than any of those hotel rooms in Japan. Not much larger, and certainly it did not feel any more like home.

L's mouth pressed in a grim line and he turned back to the television, resuming the BBC's world news report.

_"It is believed that the fire was set in the third floor library, somewhere between two and three a.m.. Due to the late hour, nearly everyone was asleep when the fire spread rapidly upwards and trapping the majority of the Institution's personnel in their rooms until firefighters were called to the scene. The students of the school, living in rooms located primarily on the second floor were the first to notice and escape. Several children have been reported missing, but no bodies have been found. Chief Fire Marshal Sanjou Tanatsu, first on the scene... "_

Light slid further into the room and took the remote out of L's hand as he sank down next to the dark-haired detective like an oppressive cloud. "Stop obsessing," Light murmured into L's ear. "It's been over 2 weeks now. I should think you'd be happy - you managed to accomplish it with the minimum requirement of one death. I would have destroyed them all, for simplicity at least."

Light had a way of coiling about him like a snake, enclosing him even without touching him. It always set him on edge.

Worse though, was the way that proximity affected him. Anger stiffened his shoulders and tensed his body, and yet...

"Even had I done so," L said with weary agitation, "removing the threat entirely, the new problem that would arise is the way that would incriminate me. How unlikely would it be for all of the adults to perish in the fire, and yet the children are all fine?"

Light nuzzled the side of L's neck. "One or two of them dying would have allayed that."

The anger deflated somewhat, revealing it in truth to be frustration and regret over past events. This all should have turned out so differently. Light was callous in the way he thought - in his willingness to write off pain or death as collateral damage or dismiss wrongs as regrettable and forgettable - but L was aware that in his own way, he was trying to offer distraction. Broken, the way he went about it, but he was trying to make L feel better.

Or perhaps he was merely tired of waiting for L to regain his footing. L was not always entirely sure about such things. Light still ran hot/cold after all, and his intents and desires could prove difficult to place even now. It took the strength out of him, this second-guessing, but he ran his testing almost automatically now. Words were chosen with care, with the ability to probe and afford him new information to work with simply by eliciting Light's response.

"What do you propose the point is to saving them when I would be killing some of them to accomplish it?"

"Relax, Ryuuzaki," Light murmured, stroking an insidious hand down L's bracing arm. The touch was like a cool shadow, and the mind behind it was an even colder place. Light chose not to answer him, knowing that L would not appreciate the response. Instead, he chose to erode L's being with these cold, cold, touches that were veiled in warm flesh. He chose to corrode him with worshipful, mocking lips on skin, and golden eyes that _told_ him what he wanted - which bored into him and told him that he would never escape what he wanted again.

Hateful as that sentiment could be, L knew it was correct. He had bound himself to this beautiful, cruel creature. He had submitted to his darkened wings long ago and the poisons he had to offer. Poisons that could be bitter or oh-so-sweet as they slowly claimed him. He'd accepted his fate, the shackles that came with it, and the _duty_ that came with it. His sole purpose now was to keep Light contained, to keep him from becoming too involved in the world around them and to keep him from holding the Death Note in his perfect, destructive hands ever again.

But it was not Light that horrified him now, it was himself.

L closed his eyes, regret simmering in the depths of his mind, overshadowed by the feeling of being laid back on the bed. How could he forgive himself? These sorts of errors were not acceptable... That things had been 95% successful was not enough. It did not preclude his greatest failing - that 5% which seemed as monstrous as anything greater might have been. It was a cruel twist of fate that made him fail the people he'd most wanted to deliver.

One email was all he'd received, but it had been enough.

_'... You've scarred him. You said you were going to save him...'_

A searing pain marked L's shoulder, burning his eyes with the sting of salt. He looked at Light resentfully as his skin, bearing what would surely prove to be the imprint of a full set of teeth, throbbed sharply.

"I'll not be second to your guilt, Ryuuzaki." The brunette's voice was low with warning. "Unless of course you want me to vent my frustrations upon you?" He was still far from tame, and perhaps never would be. Though these last several weeks had witnessed the almost total assimilation of Light's two selves, it by no means extinguished his darker side. It merely gave Light cognizance and more control. L was certain that under the right conditions, his control could still slip.

"You want to hurt me?" L said in a voice devoid of inflection. There was no accusation in it, no fear, no anything. Perhaps only a little something that might be taken as an invitation. It was unintentional. L really only wanted to know if Light still harbored the dark urges he'd shown previously, or if they had faded during the assimilation and in the increasing stability he'd felt in the bond tying them together. Without his two selves being at odds, Light had shown less inclination for violent behavior on the whole. But how much was he suppressing? What if all of the improvement was merely superb acting?

Light stared back at him, his pupils blown wide. "You want me to hurt you?" he returned, again avoiding a direct answer.

The question was anticipated, as were the tightly gripping hands that covered his own. He could feel Light's heartbeat as their chests pressed together... he could feel the soft thudding of it as if it were in his own ears, his own body, and knew what it meant that that pace quickened.

He did not respond, but held his breath as Light's mouth moved against his throat. Pulse pounding in his ears, he waited for the crush of teeth and the blinding flash of pain that would come if Light chose a sensitive spot. His body tensed as that mouth opened.

Things flashed through L's mind - all of the things he felt he'd done wrong, all the frustrations, all the many different things he wished he'd done differently. He prepared them all for the pain he hoped would cleanse them.

"Self-flagellation does not typically involve two people, Ryuuzaki."

L jumped in surprise, then tried to act like he hadn't. "What are you talking about?" His skin flushed burning hot, though Light's lingering mouth was even more so. Such thoughts... it was mortifying, horrifying to have had them, but to be discovered in such lunacy...

"You, who were always against such things, have suddenly decided that you want what you have countless times rejected? The only explanation is that you want to use me to satisfy some misplaced feelings of inadequacy. You want to be punished."

"That's not--"

Light chose to bite him then, and it was not the searing pain of absolution, but the blinding pain of pain itself. L's eyes flew open and he clenched his teeth to keep from making a sound, but he swore that Light's teeth had never sunk so deep. This was punishment of a different kind.

Light released him just as L's vision had begun to tint blotchily. He gasped a few sick breaths and would have clamped his hand to the wound at his neck, had he been allowed, but his hands were restrained so he simply lay still.

"Do you think me some kind of animal, that I would oblige you?" Light asked in a tone that was curiously implacable. Intense, yes, angry, yes, but there was more in it than just that. It might have been the fine tremor of restraint, but L was not of a mind to analyze so flawlessly. "Did you think that I would be ok with doing that?"

L regarded him gingerly, mind swarming from the pain, feeling utterly chastised._ Have I misjudged him?_

_I thought that he would jump at the chance, the excuse to act on what I just saw in his eyes but without consequences. I felt his heart beating. I can still feel it now, jumping in his chest... Is he saying that he no longer desires such things? That he resents the assumption?_

"First of all, I will not have you lying to me." Light's eyes flashed darkly. "You know exactly what you are asking me for."

L's head was still swimming from the force of the bite. Did Light have to be quite so rough? He was entirely capable of making a point with words alone, so it was hardly necessary to try to take a chunk out of his throat. _Am I bleeding?_ "Second of all?" he prompted automatically. It was possible that he would have been moved at Light's vehement refusal to comply and his offence at being asked to, had he not been bleeding from the neck.

"How could I do that, knowing your mind is elsewhere?"

The blood was still hypothetical at this point, of course, but--

"What?" L asked abruptly, disbelief marking the word that interrupted his own mental chatter. Was the brunette saying what L _thought_ he was saying? That his point of contention was not the causing of harm, but rather if L would be wholly focused on him while he did it?

"I don't want to see guilt filling your eyes," Light's words stroked him as their gazes locked. "I want to see _me_."

Gold eyes were intent upon him, challenging him for a response.

L stared back at him and tried to subtly tug his hands free. So Light _was_ only angry because he wanted maiming on his own terms, not because his thinking had changed so much. He was obviously as self-focused as before, and as questionably reasonable as ever. "Forget it, I don't know what I was think...ing."

Light's tongue smoothed up his throat, passing over the place he'd bitten. It caused a throb of renewed pain at L's neck, and a throb of something else in his lower body.

"Stop it, Light," L commanded in a harsh voice. "Let me up. Now."

He needed to alter the situation before it proceeded. He hadn't seen that particular look in Light's eyes for a long time, the last time being when the Kira-like personality had offered his cooperation in exchange for the freedom to visit upon L whatever he liked. Sex was but a small part of that request - the rest was a labyrinthine field of psychological warfare and both physical and mental torment.

Thankfully, in the time immediately after that, Light's tangled mental state had rapidly improved and L had not been subject to his fears of what might happen. Part of that was due to L's carefully chosen words, and his attentive dispelling of any environment that was conducive to calling forth the darker aspects of Light's personality.

However, in the current situation, he could hardly leave the room or do much of anything unless Light released him.

Lips moved over L's collarbone as his shirt was pulled aside. Their possessiveness burned his skin. "I won't let you think about other things, L."

Light wasn't listening to him. He wasn't stopping his slow, deliberate tasting of L's body.

L flinched slightly as Light persisted - smoothing a hand over his chest and abdomen, stirring reticent desire. It grew stronger as that hand drifted down to his hip to trace its shallow curve, fluttering in his stomach and making him squirm. It had been a while since they'd been like this... weeks perhaps... and it made the feelings that much more inescapable. In all that time, in the preparation for the events at Wammy's House and during the confusion of the time afterwards, Light had not approached him like this with any degree of insistence. It seemed he had been trying to give L space and time, as much as he could.

It had been sort of heart-warming somehow. And somehow he now felt shy, though also anxious and a little scared. This territory was always far from stable. What if Light was not as together as he seemed? What if he started slipping?

"Light, I do not feel like doing this right now."

In response, Light bit him in the stomach. Swift, sharp, and so unexpected that L yelped in pain and agitation. "What was that for?!"

"I told you not to lie to me."

The brunette sat up abruptly, straddling L's hips, and pulled L's long-sleeved shirt over his head to trap his arms more easily.

"What makes you think I'm lying? I--" L broke off, suddenly distracted by the removal of Light's shirt.

_He isn't listening to me._ Not that Light should anyway... L was unable to take his eyes off of the lean body before him, nor ignore the inviting weight of it against his lap. It had been too long. Just seeing the look Light was giving him right now with those intense, bedroom eyes made his belly tighten with desire. He couldn't fight the brunette off when he was being so insistent, so seductive.

"I feel you reacting to me, Ryuuzaki." Light sank back down to him and kissed his lips, gently. "You want this as much as I do."

Feeling the hard length of another's body against your own was akin to the worst situation for resisting the siren's call of desire. L's body wished to move on its own - to move his hips upward and feel the shudder of pleasure that would accompany the solid heat of aroused bodies. He tried to fight it back, though; his reasons for beginning this were indeed of tormenting himself, but also maybe giving Light something that he wanted as well. It was an excuse with which to face the side of Light that scared him, to give him control to see if he abused that power, and to endure whatever came as a punishment for failing in his duty and not being good enough.

L hadn't intended to indulge himself like _this_, to succumb to simple passion, not after the botched events at Wammy's. It wouldn't be right. He was also a murderer... twice over, now. Surely he deserved a little suffering.

Despair at that reality tugged in L's chest as his mouth opened to Light's unwittingly, accepting the hot, sensuous slide of his tongue. _Murderer._ A wordless feeling swelled in him until he thought he would break. Bittersweet, it was both lovely and awful.

He almost wished to be broken, if only that would save him from it.

He writhed as if in torment, trying to flee it and the pressure building up inside of him. He tried to escape the slow roll of hips against his own, which was lapping at his control and fraying him at the edges.

He wanted to pull Light closer, or push him away.

He could do neither with his arms entrapped.

Light's lips pressed against his throat, worrying the dreadfully sore skin, sucking at it until pain lanced sharply through his flesh with every pull, forcing him to cry out. Was it his imagination that he thought he felt Light harden against him in reaction? And if it wasn't, could he claim that it bothered him so, when he felt his own body respond in kind, quickening to the harsh sigh against his skin and the lighter nips upon unmarked flesh?

"Light... this is--"

L choked on the words as Light's hand raked his side, thin burning trails that wiped whatever thought he'd been having straight out of his head. It dimmed his desire as well, waking him up to how perilous this situation could become. Tolerable now, toeing the line of what was acceptable, but how quickly might the tide turn and these hands become as cruel as they had been when belonging to Kira? Should such boundaries be tested so lightly?

But then Light was kissing his chest, soothing valid fears with soft caresses, and rubbing him with a gentle, maddening hand through the front of his pants that reshifted his focus yet again. L's head tossed back and forth upon the bed. It wasn't enough. It was too teasing, too tormenting to ever be enough.

Light drifted over the aching bite mark upon L's stomach and drew it into his mouth. The more pressure he exerted, the sharper that pain became, and the more boldly he stroked L through the layer of cloth. L's breath heaved in his chest. It was becoming impossible to tell where pleasure ended and pain began. It was disorienting and robbed L of his ability to think. It gnawed at him, creating an elusive sorrow that drifted in his chest.

He felt alone. Dreadfully alone.

Was it that this was becoming so similar to those other times, and it had just hit him now? There was no cruelty in these hands and the person before him, but it was still so strongly reminiscent to being at the hands of Kira, and of being raped - but what sense did that make when Light was essentially doing what he'd originally asked for?

_How would this absolve me?_

_Even if I were torn apart, how would that help anyone but myself? What would that be but a distraction from my failures while I dealt with something more immediate?_

It took him several moments to realize that Light was watching him, a pensive expression upon his face. _How long...?_ There was no other contact upon his body but those eyes. They slipped in alongside his innermost thoughts, and he had to clench his own eyes closed to shut them out.

"You'll ruin yourself like this."

"Shut up."

"No," Light said.

L looked back up at him. "No?"

"Did you think that this would help you? And now that I have indulged you thus far, do you feel vindicated? Look what happens as you think of all these other things while doing this."

"Think only of you, was it?" L's tone was slightly mocking. "Do you think _that_ is any more uplifting? What of these things I'll never reconcile, and with **you** at the center?"

"Deal with it."

L frowned darkly. "That's all you have to say? Deal with it?"

"Yes. Deal with it, and deal with everything else. Stop wallowing in self-torment about things you cannot change."

"I am not wallowing," L said him coldly. "I am analyzing my actions and the outcomes of various situations to discover where I went wrong. I cannot change what is past, but I can try to make better decisions in the future."

"Who says your decisions were not sound? I think you achieved the best possible outcome, according to your standards."

"My actions disfigured Mello and pushed the limits of his sanity, creating an unstable arsonist who is now on the loose." L was incredulous. "How is that a good outcome?"

"Well, you might have killed him," Light said blandly. "I think Matt might have hated you more if that was the case. As it stands, he might still get over it."

"Thank you, for that," L ground out.

Light sat back and frowned at him. "I was trying to be considerate by not voicing yet again the outcome **I** should have liked." His voice was sharpening, becoming armed. "It would have lacked these sorts of inconveniences as well."

L sat up and slid to the edge of the bed. "I need to go," he said, pulling on his wrinkled shirt. This conversation again... this callousness... He couldn't endure it right now. "I think we're out of bread," he murmured an excuse, not wanting to exacerbate things by giving the impression he was avoiding this and Light himself. Which he was. He went to the front door to collect his shoes. It looked miserable outside. Gray.

_Fitting..._

Light followed him to the doorway, blades hidden in his tone. "And what if I am not here when you get back?"

L turned, taking in the crossed arms and stiff body language that was at odds with the nearly pleasant expression on the brunette's face. Light seemed combative enough to mean... but he mustn't assume. Such a threat was too serious. It would be a direct blow to their arrangement, their flickering trust and of everything, really. Tension and agitation flowed into L's body and it was an effort to sound unaffected when he asked, "How do you mean that?"

"Exactly how it sounds. If you leave right now, I will not be here when you get back."

_How dare you do this now?_ L thought at him, anger rushing through him like a wall of fire. _After everything that has happened, you toss such words out so freely..._

"You think you have the ability to just disappear?" L challenged him. "You actually believe that I wouldn't be able to find you?" This was preposterous. After all this time, and all the dangerous situations that they'd weathered, _**now**_ is when he threatens to leave? And how could he? They were inexorably bound together, were they not? Light could not just walk out of this door and never return... He couldn't.

"Care to test me out? I'm sure the charm I'm told so frequently that I possess would go a long way in keeping me hidden."

_Or is it not that __**Light **__couldn't walk out, never to return, but that I myself couldn't accomplish it?_

It was a disturbing notion, as was the realization that here in England, there was even less to hold Light by his side than before. And he was not a dead man here. He wouldn't be recognized. Isn't that what they'd decided, and proven time and again with Light's recent freedom and his ventures outside? _Was I too lax? Too trusting? Has he been using this time to plan his exodus?_ "Why now? I don't understand."

Light turned from him and walked back into the bedroom. L followed.

_Love,_ L thought scathingly. _Had I come to believe in such an ideal? How might something as insubstantial as that guarantee anything? Perhaps Light resents any feelings he harbors and wishes to be free of them. How then would that keep him with me once danger has dimmed for him and the time is opportune for him to slip away?_

"Ryuuzaki."

L stiffened. He remained silent, watching the subtle play of expression upon the brunette's face and trying to anticipate what he was about to say. The tension in the sublime curve of his jaw put L even more on edge as gold eyes drifted to him in a cold, detached manner.

"My whole world has had you at the center of it for a long time now, for better or for worse."

L's hands clenched reflexively as the world dimmed around him. Were these _ending_ words? He couldn't tell, only that they felt like the gathering pull precipitating something more powerful - like water receding into an oncoming wave.

"I cannot tolerate your total involvement and fixation on everything else," Light continued. "I can't be patient forever and you are stretching the bounds of my self-control." His eyes glinted darkly. "You know as well as I do what jealousy does to me and if it becomes any stronger, I will end up hurting you. You understand, don't you? You aren't leaving me much choice."

The words should have reassured him in some ways - Light was not fleeing his feelings... "But--" But at the same time, fleeing the _intensity_ of his feelings was exactly what Light was petitioning, and the threat of abandonment was every bit as real.

"You are the only human being I have met that is on my level and can occupy me utterly, and yet you deny me access to you," Light bit out. "I can't stand having what I want be so close to me and so out of reach at the same time."

"Well, what do you want me to do?" L snapped, impatience brimming within him, leaking into his voice all the more for Light's conciliatory manner. "This bothers me a great deal, and 'getting over it' as you so glibly suggested is not some switch I can flick at _your_ convenience!"

"So let me help you deal with it instead of trying to handle everything on your own."

"What help can you offer me when your impatience makes you insufferable, as well as immune to the trappings of morals? I cannot lay mine aside, despite your ideas of their general uselessness."

"Is there any reason you are trying to pick a fight?" Arctic air could not have been colder. Light was nearing the end of his patience in truth.

"I'm not! Not any more than you are." L was torn between trying to avoid further battle and trying to provoke Light out of the last vestiges of calm he'd adopted when making _himself_ out to be the reasonable one. It chafed him that Light would start this off and then feign innocence. _He never takes responsibility!_ "Should I be pleased you are still in the vicinity, or should I expect you to vanish any time it suits you now?"

"Ryuuzaki, you are deliberately mistaking my intent!"

"Am I?" L sneered. "So was that an idle threat? Or was I supposed to take that as a show of _**devotion**_?"

_(Too far.)_

Light struck him across the face.

The force of it whipped L's head to the side and he blinked rapidly at the sudden, shocked stinging of his flesh. Any words that had been rising to the surface had also been struck down, leaving only this bruised silence. He breathed in and out, eyes unfocused as they stared unseeingly. What was it that he felt fleeing him with the impact? This frantic anger that had possessed him, and his scathing words...

It was fear.

He was afraid he was losing Light.

L's inhibited rationality and his explosiveness were detrimental, above all else, when dealing with the brunette - he knew this from experience. Paranoia made it so hard to remain calm and talk this out. He was escalating this by his inability to be his neutral, calculating self. Light's intents and truths required a peeling back of layers, an exploration of subtleties, not this picking apart and taking offense at every word.

Light required his total and full attention.

_That_ was the missing component, what was so obvious now, and so incalculable before.

He slowly brought his eyes back to the brunette. There was a tightness in his expression and only a shadow of apology in his gaze. It would never be voiced. But it did not need to be; he hadn't done anything wrong.

"It comes to mind that Light-kun is like a houseplant, and I have not given him enough water." L touched his rapidly swelling cheek. "Though a violent one at that," he added to himself.

"A houseplant?" Light looked taken aback, relieved and dismayed all at once, though his expression might have looked blank to an untrained eye.

L nodded distractedly. It was simple, wasn't it, once analyzed from a different field of view? Their relationship had been withering, drying up, like a forgotten plant - whole and well in memory, but struggling in reality. Light's provoking words had been a play to make him see that. The knowledge was such a relief, L couldn't help the strange humor that overtook him. "I confess that I cannot sing, and I've always been deficient in that regard..." Light probably worried that he'd knocked the sense right out of L instead of **into** him. But that was all right. "So in addition to water, it might be the talking that I have neglected as well."

"You..." Light looked torn between annoyance and amusement, "...choose the strangest analogies."

"There, there, Yami-chan**," L crooned blandly, creating a pet plant name out of the sounds of Light's family name, and patted the brunette's head without breaking expression. Light's indignant expression was worth the temporary endangerment of his extended arm. "I'm sorry for overlooking such a thing," L said with a touch more seriousness. Light's hair, as always, was silky and pleasing to touch. Just now, it felt a little humbling that the boy before him allowed him that luxury of closeness.

"Yami-chan?" There was a long pause. The quietness of the brunette's tone seemed in deference to the quality of L's silence. "That's what you would name a plant?" Light said finally, sounding like he might have asked any number of things instead.

"If it were you, of course." L reached for humor as the immediacy of the moment began to make him uncomfortable. These feelings... the strength of them...to which he was still so unaccustomed. "Otherwise, I might select from a list of my favorite sweets, which I hardly think you would deem acceptable."

Light's eyes slanted up at him, reading him all too well. "The longer you pat my head, the more convinced I'm becoming that you have sustained severe head trauma."

"I did. Maybe you shouldn't hit me so hard, Yami-chan?" L knew the name would irk him. It was a comforting sort of thing that he could rely on Light bristling in irritation over it - that he knew the brunette well enough to predict the reaction.

"Don't call me Yami-chan."

"If you feel guilty over potentially damaging my grey matter, Yami-chan," L harassed him lightly, "you could try an apology. I'm sure I would forgive you, even though brain damage is, unfortunately, irreversible."

_Pat. Pat. Pat._

"L..."

_Pat. Pat. _

"Yes?"

"It might just be me," Light's voice did a mighty show of burying annoyance, in favor of the more subtle flair of solicitousness, "but you look as if a coffee and a caramel pecan truffle cake might do you some good."

A diversionary tactic.

And an exceedingly shrewd, well-placed, and devastatingly effective diversionary tactic at that. Enough so to curb his urge to continue pestering the other boy.

L stopped patting, his hand suspended in midair. "It _is_ Wednesday, isn't it?" he said with wide eyes. He dearly loved that particular baked good and it was a special item that was only available once a week. "How could I have forgotten? Do you think they have any left?"

"There's only one way to find out."

L beamed then, the joy of baked goods overcoming him, and pressed a kiss to Light's mouth. "You're forgiven," he announced, pulling back again (with failing effort) as Light returned it with kisses that gently broke upon his lips and enticed him to pursue that thought and abandon the cake as soon as it was mentioned. He indulged himself with a lengthy taste of the brunette's mouth, and the warmth that it spread through his body, before moving out of reach in favor of his hated footwear. "Good work, Yami-chan," he praised the sullen brunette in an attempt to break the mood. "But we must make haste before they sell out." If they didn't stop now, he wouldn't be able to. He was being drawn in. But, dammit, he wanted that cake.

Light caught at his arm before he could leave. "What if we special order an entire cake and pick it up later?" He tilted L's face up to his, brushing their lips together tantalizingly. "I'll feed it to you in bed if you like."

"But that won't be until tomorrow at least," L complained against that insistent mouth. It opened up against his, slow and sweet, delving inside with a sinfully silken tongue. His eyes drifted closed and his fingers closed upon Light's arms to brace himself. Sensation trickled through his body, making it hard to think of leaving.

"Can't you wait until then?" Light murmured in his ear, making him shudder.

"But... I want it now..." he tried to protest, his voice sounding too breathy and lascivious.

"And I want you now," the brunette insisted in a sex-laced voice, pulling him closer and drawing a caressing hand down L's back. Desire twisted tightly in L's gut. "Weren't you going to stop neglecting me?"

"Wasn't..." L faltered on the question as he temporarily forgot how to form words. Light's body pressed against his and he was being walked backwards as lips played at his neck. "Wasn't cake today supposed to be your apology..." _Dear god, why did this feel so good?_ "...for wiping out my brain?" What a one-sided battle this was turning out to be.

"Cake today and a whole cake tomorrow," Light said as he pushed L down onto the bed. "Indulge me, L," he urged in a wanton voice that had L's pulse hammering in his throat even before Light's lips descended on his.

_Why has it been so long? _

_Why did I let it be so long...?_ he berated himself as Light methodically burned him up. This wordless connection, and the utter honesty it forced on them... it wasn't only Light who needed this, they both did. He was fooling only himself when he thought he could do without. He'd been neglecting their connection, being present without being present, talking without truly communicating. He'd been barring intimacy on the grounds that he was too overwhelmed with everything else that was going on, as well as harboring a lingering fear that Light's cruel streak might still be too close to the surface and uncontrollable. What he had done was removed all avenues that Light had of getting to him, and expecting him to be content with that.

He'd been wrong, but he had been too deep within it to see it and too preoccupied to note Light's greater efforts and increasing dissatisfaction.

L gasped as air-cooled hands touched his heated flesh, removing his jeans and pushing his legs apart. He bit his lip as Light took him in hand, branding him with the feel of ownership as his hand moved possessively and devastatingly.

"Light..." the name slipped passed his lips on a breath of air.

_I'm going to implode._

Light captured L's eyes in a heated gaze. "I can't be gentle," he warned, spreading L's legs wider. "You have me wound too tightly for that."

L's pulse beat like a trip hammer as Light pulled one of his legs over his tawny shoulder and lay down between his thighs. Spread wide open and pinioned, L could do nothing but take deep, stilted breaths as Light's arousal pressed slick and ready against the entrance of his body. They'd never done it like this... always there was at least some preparation, some attention from coaxing hands. Light felt too large against him, impossible to take within himself.

But it was such a slick, hard pressure that insisted upon him and his own arousal was was enough to make his hips shift upwards, allowing the tip to penetrate him with glacial movement, fighting the tightness of his body. Whispered words in his ears stoked the fire already running rampant within him and Light was able to slowly sink inside.

"Ryuuzaki," Light groaned into L's hair when he had gotten as far inside of L as the confines of flesh would allow.

L's breathing was shallow as he tried to adjust to the width of him within his unprepared body. It didn't really hurt, at least - it was more like being filled past capacity. A little uncomfortable, perhaps, especially with the tension a high state of arousal carried. He'd be fine if he just had a few moments to adjust--

Light slid out of him then, nearly all the way before filling him up again, so much faster this time that the pressure forced a groan from his lips. It was almost unbearable, but in a way that brought a vicious flush to his face. He panted as he tried to collect himself, eyes screwed shut. His entire body was throbbing to the beat of the second heart inside of him.

"You look so sexy like that," Light breathed in his ear. His lusty voice sent a thrill up L's spine. "Does it hurt?"

"N...ah!" he cried out, as Light thrust into him before he ever completed the tiny little word 'no'. And it did not stop there... as soon as that one completed, the next one began and he could not keep up. Couldn't.

Sounds spilled from his mouth as Light moved within him. And at some uncatalogued point, the brunette issued a change in him - defecting every single nerve and fiber of his being into a mindless craving for that pressure. L dug his fingers into Light's back, his hips rising to meet the brunette's, driving the insane pace to furious new levels.

Light's mouth fell against his and the kiss was desperate, uncontrolled, and open enough to allow for the gasps of air they both drew.

The feel of a hand upon his aching arousal caused the whole thing to spiral out of control. Stroked in time to those razing thrusts, unaware of the actions his mind or body took after that, L was conscious only of the sharpening, maddening, surging edge of release. When it snapped through him like a whipcrack, it was very nearly painful and was accompanied by a sharp cry that may or may not have been his own. His body tremored and shuddered against the body above him, that which sank so fully inside of him that he could barely differentiate it from his own. It caged him as his spine bowed and bore down on him when he collapsed, boneless and wasted.

A soft, roughened whisper in his ear was the last thing he noted before blanking out. He wasn't aware of it, but the words painted contentment upon his sleeping face.

---

It was unusual, but Light rose first, leaving L to continue his slumber alone.

He slipped out of the bed, his limbs lethargic and slow in a protest of abandoned restfulness. But his mind was not suited to such pursuits any longer, he could feel it humming and whirring insistently.

"Ryuuk," he called softly, padding across the room. His plastic shopping bags were where he left them: in the next room which housed both the small kitchen, a diminutive dining area, and the door that led to the outside world. The door that led to freedom. He smiled. Another country, another life. Oh, how it had lightened his spirits to be able to step outside, to move under his own power as _himself_.

The Shinigami made no reply, but that did not concern Light. The bags rustled quietly beneath his fingertips as he searched through them. It pleased him that L no longer inspected his purchases, nor analyzed his absences to the extent that he should have. It made things simpler.

Light pulled an ovoid, fleshy apple from one of the bags and set it upon the rickety aluminum fold-out table at which they took some of their meals. It looked striking against the sickly pale aqua top and a little out of place. Beside it, he lined up two more - a plumper, yellow-green apple and one that was a speckled red.

After that, Light passed back through the bedroom, verifying L's unconscious state, and into the tiny hall that opened up off of it. The small bathroom was there, and the second bedroom which in truth seemed hardly equipped to be such. It was Light's own personal room, though they'd never openly spoken of it. The larger room held the bed they often shared, the television and other items that one might see in a living room or a study, but only L's personal affects. This one held Light's and he knew that it was meant as a place of containment, should L ever feel the need. He had not been stupid enough to miss the shine that marked the double-sided deadbolt as new, nor was such hardware likely to be commonplace, even in England.

It was amusing how L both trusted him and distrusted him to extremes. To let him outside, unsupervised, yet keep a setup such as this - a box in which he could enclose him if Light was ever to slip up...

Haha.

It was also sort of irritating.

Light reached into the closet, pulling out something to wear, ignoring his reflection on the mirrored door. He might as well shower before going outside, he thought, padding into the hall and into the avocado-green tiled bathroom. It was an awful color, lining the floors and souring the lower half of the walls. The entire place looked like a shower stall, and was about the size of one, though the short retention wall that bisected the floor made it clear that an even smaller space was reserved for that purpose.

Light balanced his clothing upon the lone towel bar which held both of their towels, finished stripping, and pulled the shower curtain closed.

The pipes rattled and chugged before spitting out lukewarm water. It was an old building, after all.

Closing his eyes, he stepped beneath the spray, relishing the increasing heat as it ran over his body. Heat that flooded his mind and body with delightful reminders of L as he relaxed into it. It had been so long since he'd gotten inside that slender, pale body... So long since he'd been allowed close. So very long since he'd heard L cry out and felt that body shuddering against his...

Light relived the little details, dwelling upon them until the stirring of his desire became too immediate. He took his washcloth in hand, rubbing the bar of soap into it, watching as the white lather foamed up and thinking of all of the things he would have liked to do - still wanted to do. Once was not enough after so long. Not nearly enough. There were not enough hoarse cries to fill his satisfaction, or gasping breaths, or choked moans. There was not enough of those eyes going hazy and mindless as they clouded with lust.

There was not enough of that pale, pale skin.

Light ran the washcloth over his chest and his shoulders, slowing as he slid it down his stomach.

'Do you want to hurt me?'

(Can I?)

'Do you want me to hurt you?'

The reason for it had been all wrong, and unacceptable. Yet Light hadn't been able to quiet the thrill that pursuing the thought gave him. L was so guarded... restrictive... To be given free reign and have L submit to him fully, to take anything Light chose to give him...

It was an aphrodisiac. And he couldn't deny that L's face, torn between pain and pleasure was beyond exciting to see. Hurt. It wasn't that Light wanted to really hurt him. Not really. But he was so taken with the sight of L _enduring_ for him that he couldn't help but want to rip into him a little. How scintillating it was to feel L react to him with desire even then.

Light's hand stroked over his hip.

It probably wasn't right to feel like this.

L didn't approve of it at all... yet he had stepped inside that territory, boldly offering Light something that he wasn't supposed to want. Seeing if he would take the bait. Testing him.

Light's hand slid over his wakening desire, a sigh escaping his lips.

_Bastard_, he thought aimlessly as his hand moved. _How can you offer yourself to me like that? How can I resist, even when your reasons for doing so make me want to hurt you in truth? _

_Want to hurt you..._

_Want to be inside of you..._

_Want to see nothing but myself in your dark, damning eyes..._

That was the only thing that could pull him away from the other boy's vulnerability - seeing his eyes and blame and doubt and conflict within them that had nothing to do with Light but a million other things instead. Vulnerable... no, it was more like he was untouchable. Unreachable, to the extent where undue force would be needed to pull him back. It would be a total lack of restraint - a display of cruelty on his part. That at least was distasteful to him. That was the sort of hurt that L was really asking him for, and he would not comply. It would break L, and it would break something in Light as well. As it was, he felt darker urges humming in the back of his mind, vying for acknowledgment. Indulging them would lead to a loss of control, a gateway into the parts of himself he was trying to put back into place. Parts that whispered too convincingly if he showed any lack of resolve.

Light leaned against the tiled wall, seeing the reddened marks his mouth had drawn on L's stomach and throat and clenching his teeth as the ache in his body intensified. L's stomach, the concavity between his hips that made him seem so fragile... Light couldn't help but drift lower, wanting, _wanting_ to take L into his mouth and take control over him in that way. He wanted to taste the heat that he had kindled in L's slim frame, to gloat over his ability to do such a thing and torment L with it.

But being inside of L was even better... there, the flame burned brighter, hotter, and he had access to L's helplessly lustful mouth. L might not be aware of it - the way his body jerked and called to Light's when their mouths met and the way that their movements synchronized, pulling out an even deeper pleasure.

"Ryuuzaki," he uttered as his body began to shudder, tensing dramatically before release. Oh how he wanted to do it again - sliding between trembling thighs, burying himself into that tight heat and the soft curve of L's neck. He wanted those unrestrained cries as L took him in, needed them ringing sharply in his ears as he lost himself.

"Nn..." he gasped as he came, folding in on himself and sinking to the floor as it took the strength from his legs.

L was an idiot not to realize the sort of power he had. Truly.

The water danced upon his back, a soft staccato as he caught his breath. He rolled his head back to feel it on his face.

Should he be content to let L hold such sway over him? He'd been behaving so well lately, and all that had gotten him was nothing. It was only with threats that L began to really see him again, and only after a fight that he'd been able to touch him. It was a wonder he'd held out this long. It was no exaggeration when he said he was losing patience and that his aggravation would make him want to lash out. He was not good at waiting. He needed L to move past his hangups enough to let him in again, or something would have to change.

Despite L's insistence that it was his own decision to forfeit the death note, and that even touching it merely to be able to see the Shinigami would undo everything.... he wondered. Would he really get all of his memories back that way? Would Kira definitely become a part of him once more, and was Kira much worse than the dark side that already inhabited him?

How could he help but muse over these things? He'd never lost his desire to have his curiosity answered... in fact, he believed that if only he knew more, he would be better equipped to sort through the situation at hand. L was not handling it all very well on his own. He needed help.

And the Shinigami... he wanted to _see_ it. It bothered him that he could not, and that L refused to accurately relay to him what it was doing at any given moment or even what it was saying. He felt at a disadvantage.

Light finished his shower and dressed. He was calmer now, able to think once more. L no longer possessed his mind to an irrational degree, he noted, letting his eyes slide over the still form as he passed. That was good.

The apples were no longer on the table. "You're welcome, Ryuuk," Light murmured with a smile. He admitted, he was trying to get on the thing's good side, just in case. It was working to some extent. The apples disappeared with increased speed and, lately, sometimes while he watched. The sick, wet crunch of them was rather unappealing, but the manifestation of the Shinigami's presence was fascinating. "What a shame that I have no way to determine which ones you favor..." said as if to himself. As far as Light knew, a notebook was required to see the being, but that did not mean there were not other ways. It was something to think about.

L was unaware of his experimentation. Apples were a necessity in any event, a daily supplement for both L and Ryuuk, though Light was not quite sure when the detective might have developed an affinity for them.

Light shrugged and picked up a set of keys and his jacket. But enough of all that. He had work to do.

---

TBC

**A/N:** If the time gap and such has left you with questions, don't assume that things will not be addressed - next chapter will lay more to rest. I'm working on it already and hoping to get it out in a couple weeks. (By god, Jim, I'm a fanfic writer not a professional author!) Aaaand it may really be the last one. Stop snickering, those of you who have witnessed such claims in the past! *shakes fist weakly*

---

**A/N 2: ***Yami-chan

_["There, there, Yami-chan*," L crooned blandly, creating a pet plant name out of the sounds of Light's family name and patting the brunette's head without breaking expression. Light's indignant expression was worth the temporary endangerment of his extended arm....] _

'Yami' being the Japanese word for 'darkness', is an offhanded acknowledgement to Light's dark side, while 'chan' is a cutesy form of address that can be taken as L poking fun at Light or downplaying that dark side. (Kind of like slapping a huge, fuzzy heart sticker onto the devil's bum while copping a feel, it could be seen as quite irreverent.)

---

**A/N 3:**If you are wondering what Light might have said to L right before his brain dropped of the radar in a fit of post-consummation satiation and are just _**dying**_ to know what it was....

"I love you, _idiot_."

Full of snarky romance, that one. (haha) *shakes head at Light* Also, in-keeping with his habit of telling L stuff when he thinks L won't hear him. ;)


	39. Tea for Two, & a Side of Existentialism

**A Balm for Social Failure**

(Chapter 39: Tea for Two, and a Side of Existentialism)  
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

**Disclaimer:** see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

**A/N:** It has been expressed by some of you dear readers that this fic contains the most dysfunctional relationship you've yet to seen in fanfiction... I'm flattered. Also, I feel bad if I am traumatizing anyone. (Unfortunately, relationships really can become this convoluted and painful. If you never live to see it, and partake of the more normal variety, consider yourself lucky.)

---

On another note, I have seen much worse portrayed in fanfiction than this lil' ole thing and **I** was traumatized. I can think of several off the top of my head which included the following: torture, rape (the kind where the other person REALLY .want.), vore, and (criiiinge) cannibalism.

The trauma fic:

The last was the worst, and once again it was a fic in which I found myself trapped, horror-stricken, as the author had provided NO warnings whatsoever. Oh yes, and it had necrophilia. Twice. _Sam x Frodo_ which really ended up being something like.... _Sam x Dead!Frodo_ (Gollum killed him via snacky rape. Yes, he was gnawing on him, only Frodo inexplicably maintained a hardon through this. (Don't ask me. I didn't write it.)) So Sam awakens in his little hobbit sleeping bag next to Frodo's hobbit sleeping bag (they are traveling somewhere I guess) and he has the natural reaction of: "OMG noooooooes, Mr. Frodo is deeaaaad!" which was quickly followed by: "I never got to porn him, oooooh my tragic secret love will never be realized!" and then the not-so-normal line of thought dear Sam comes to which was: GOTTA HIT IT WHILE HE'S STILL WARM!

Needless to say, me being something of a masochist as well as being too shocked to do more than scroll down the page, I keep reading. With horror. But not knowing what happens seemed worse somehow.

So now the fic is _Sam x Dead!Frodo x Gollum_ Because wouldn't you know, Gollum is watching - from a tree or something - licking his chops and thinking both "OOOh hawt!" and rather like a lol-cat: "Teh snackz iz makin' meh a sandwich!" He is looking forward to eating both of them, but in particular is fantasizing about snack-raping Sam just as he did Frodo.

...let us have a moment of silence for the warping of any brains out there.

Ok, now let me end in saying that the strangest thing of all is that this was a talented author. Their skill with prose was obvious, which made it all the worse because it was also keeping me reading something that was liquefying my brain. In hindsight, it is impressive that they could write something with such impact that I'd remember it so many years later. I'd like to get the chance to talk to them someday, but alas I could never find that fic again to even try.

**So in closing, Light is not a cannibal so quit yer whining! **

LOL. Anyway, on to the reason you are here! ;D

* * *

Chapter 39:

"Ryuuzaki," Light said softly, shaking the detective awake gently. It was almost comical to be doing such a thing - to have to rouse a chronic insomniac - but L was as surely asleep as when Light had left him earlier. "Ryuuzaki."

L's eyes blinked open slowly, focusing on Light with a lethargically bleary gaze which trickled over him, snagging all sorts of tiny details as it surveyed him head to toe.

"You're awake," L said, stating the obvious.

"Yes, it appears that I am," Light said helpfully, amusement hiding within the words.

"Showered... dresssed..." L finished his thought, seeming perturbed at the length of time he'd been unconscious. "Where have you been?"

Light smiled. "Nowhere of consequence." He picked the remote up off of the bedside table and turned the t.v. on, flicking through the channels until he came to the one that had decent news. He felt L staring at him and marked the lack of strength in that gaze with yet more amusement.

A sleep-addled L... Light was torn between wanting to coddle him and wanting to torment him a little.

"It's best if you're up," Light said, nodding at the news station which would likely activate L's reluctant brain even if he were in a coma. "You still have three cases to solve by the end of the week... if you want to meet your deadlines, that is."

L gave him a baleful look.

Suspiciously, he also appeared to be contemplating the unthinkable - rolling over and going back to sleep.

After a moment's deliberation and the flicking of his attention the the t.v., L did just that, rolling the blanket over his shoulder with finality.

---

L curled the sheets around himself protectively, baffled at his own desire to keep sleeping.

He was also feeling mildly irked at the slave master that was towering behind him, who had obviously been awake for some time. They weren't just _his_ cases. Well, they _were_, but in name only - Light had been doing half the work since they'd come here. But Light had also insisted they take on even some of the less interesting ones for the sake of building up some capital.

Not that L disagreed... it was just strange to think of things that way after so long. For years, he never had to think about money or seeing to his own needs. Watari handled it all. He was even spoiled enough to be able to take on only what cases fueled his curiosity, and to dwell in his mind more than the real world at any given time.

Light had given him a crash-course in life since the day L had first laid eyes upon him, and L alternated between resenting him for it and being grudgingly thankful. If anything, Light had certainly made his life _complicated_. And that would likely not change.

"Work calls to you, Ryuuzaki," Light intoned softly in his ear. "You cannot resiiiiist..."

L rolled his eyes in aggravation behind his closed lids. _He must be enjoying this rare opportunity to pester me in such a way. _

It was a good thing he normally was not at the mercy of feeling tired while in the presence of a certain sadistic brunet. L still wanted to know what Light had been up to all this time, but he was too sluggish to pursue it.

This sort of lack of motivation would be alarming... _if_ he had the energy to back the emotion up properly.

"I have coffee," Light whispered secretively, his playfully cajoling voice doing one of those things where L could feel it to his toes.

"With appropriate amounts of sugar?" L asked reluctantly. Coffee _would_ be nice. And it did not seem as if Light was going to leave him be. Perhaps he should buck up and rouse himself despite his lack of will to do so. Regular people did it every day. _And some not-so-regular people_, he amended as he reminded himself that Light was attending high school until recently.

"Of course," Light responded from a respectable distance, amusement liberally coloring his voice.

It was suspicious, so L rolled over in order to assess the brunet more thoroughly.

What he found upon completing the action was not the amber gaze he had been expecting. L couldn't see past the giant slice of chocolate velvet cake which was currently obstructing his vision. He could smell the coffee as well, and noted that it was held out to him as a companion to the plate of chocolate decadence.

"Cake?" L asked, fingers twitching for the small, silver fork that lay on the white ceramic plate.

"You didn't think I would wake you without good reason, did you?" Light said indulgently.

"You've been known to put questionable importance on some things."

"As you do with sweets." Light pushed the tall, disposable cup of the cafe's delicious coffee into L's hand.

L took a sip, somehow knowing that Light would have let enough time to pass that it would not burn his tongue. He had it in him to be ridiculously thoughtful at times, incongruous though it would seem. He took another sip, not quite able to place the precise flavor of the coffee, though it was excellent and was laden with fresh cream.

"Cake as promised," Light said, holding the plate out to L now that he was sitting upright. Light himself was sitting on one of the chairs he must've dragged in from the kitchen table.

"I thought you were going to feed it to me," L said archly, making no move for the plate.

It was difficult not to, though - he would easily want to tackle that cake with nothing but his hands to hold up chunks of it, or even nothing but his mouth to pull the moist, dark, tantalizingly iced confection from the plate. It would be an abominable mess, but _oh_ would it be good. The ultimate in gluttony, trumped only by the vision of an entire cake to replace the hefty slice before him.

"I admit that my mind was on other things when I offered that," Light trailed.

"Do you take it back then?"

Hooded golden eyes flicked up from L's lips to his eyes. "I'm willing to oblige you."

L felt something of a thrill chase through him. "I'm waiting," he said pompously, curious to see what Light would do, and held his mouth partly open, just to be a touch obnoxious.

Light cut the tip of the cake from the rest with mechanical precision using the side of the fork. His face was a mask of nonchalance as he held out the morsel and L wondered if he had succeeded in annoying him after all. _It would serve him right for earlier,_ L thought smugly.

The caffeine from the coffee, thankfully, was already beginning to tingle in L's brain, encouraging a connection of synapses and the streamlining of other functions such that L was able to fully savor the glory of the moist chocolateyness the moment it touched his tongue.

_Dear god._ It was a toss up as to which was more euphoric - this or sex.

"With that look on your face, it's almost as if I'm watching you cheat on me, Ryuuzaki."

"You can't have infidelity via inanimate objects or consumables," L said blandly, hoping at the same time that Light wasn't going to spirit the cake away from him.

"Actually, you can," Light disagreed, feeding L another bite and watching it slide into L's mouth.

"Unimportant at the moment..." Since when had the cafe had _this_ chocolate cake? It truly made the others he'd had pale in comparison.

"It seems pertinent to me," the brunet said simply, his eyes having an odd sort of focused look as he continued to provide L with a luxuriant mouthful of cake as soon as L finished the previous one. "I can vouch for exactly when and where you make those sorts of faces..." his voice lingered upon the words, "and I can guarantee that it isn't in polite company."

L felt his cheeks begin to flush and took a long sip of coffee to dissuade the next bit of cake and Light's eyes watching him savor it. So that's what that look was that he'd noticed in the brunet's eyes... that fixated look that made Light look like his attention was being drawn in nearly against his will. The way they seemed to quietly devour what they saw...

It was one of many looks that in other situations had had L's stomach fluttering like flap jacks.

It seemed safer when a bawdy, indecent gaze like that was not leveled at him directly. L could overcome it, though not be unaware of it, when it remained diffused upon anywhere but his eyes. Cake had distracted him from noticing it at first while it quietly grew in intensity.

"You've done enough - I can finish on my own." L reached for the plate, wanting to dispel the odd ritual they'd become engaged in. Continuing like this, he'd likely end up abandoning the cake.

"Where's the fun in that?" Light asked, keeping the plate out of reach. He readied another bite for L, delicately balancing the cake upon the fork and holding it out. "Open wide," he commanded softly, striking L with the full weight of his heavy gaze.

The fork slid between L's lips before he could quash the reaction that licked at his lower belly. His eyes closed as the chocolate melted gently on his tongue and Light leaned in to brush a kiss against his lips.

He had a wild, but not unfounded fear that Light was going to turn his love of sweets into another avenue for sexual pursuits. Cake=sex was not an equation he thought he would ever be ready for.

Oh, but just as he swallowed, Light's mouth was propositioning his, teasing his lips until they parted and he could get inside. A hand slid possessively up the back of L's neck, winding in his mussed hair.

The shining image of cake was slipping away from him. Coffee was growing cold in his hand. Light was making forget about both, though L stubbornly tried to cling to either.

From now on, he would know to be suspicious when Light offered to feed him anything. The brunet's sex drive was a thing to be feared indeed.

---

"I didn't expect to meet up with Watari so soon," L groused later on.

"It can't be put off forever," Light said reasonably. "I tried to lessen the blow with excessive amounts of sugar and caffeine, but at this point, you are on your own."

"You plied me with more than that, if you'll remember," L grumbled, feeling utterly exhausted and not altogether displeased.

"And once again, you did not resist nearly enough to bother complaining now."

"Maybe we should invest in a car," L said to change the subject, not caring to dwell on that particular piece of trivia. "I'm not sure I like this walking business."

"It's probably the only exercise you'll get in this place..." Light paused. "Well... not the _only_ exercise," he amended lewdly, earning himself a smack.

"Stop being obscene, I'm trying to think."

The thing of it was, Light very well might be correct in that assessment. L wasn't sure how he should feel about that, so he dismissed it for the time being.

"Left, two rights and another left," Light offered placidly.

"Besides that." L waved off the directions they would be following, which Light had decided to commit to memory. He'd given the chore of navigation over to the brunet yet ended up memorizing them himself out of habit. He neglected mentioning this to his companion.

"Do you think it is really a good idea for you to come?" L wondered aloud. "I don't know that Watari believes you to be innocent in this, and he seems to disapprove of you wholeheartedly - even after you lost your memory."

"He has to get used to me again, and he needs to acknowledge that I am no longer the threat I once was."

"So he needs to see that while you are pain in the ass, you are not nearly as big of one as you could be?"

"I'd lay wager that you're the one who feels the brunt of _that_."

L tossed a glare at him. "Would you stop with the innuendos?"

"Then stop leaving yourself wide open." Light said in an imperious tone. "Also, you can't expect me not to respond while you're being offhandedly insulting."

"It was sarcasm."

"Yes," Light agreed dogmatically. "You were also being sarcastic."

L scoffed at him and shrugged, going back to his musings with a little more focus now that their bickering had eased his nerves a bit. He wasn't entirely sure of anything where Watari was concerned...

L had begun the journey back to England, bringing Light with him, shortly before they'd moved on Wammy's House. It had been exceptionally nerve-wracking to even contemplate taking Light through airports teeming with people, security guards, and opportunity for the brunet to do something unexpected.

In the end, Light suggested they travel to a remote airstrip outside of Narita and commission a smaller flight. L was sure he only did so to tease him with the fact that they didn't have such a luxury. They needed an international flight and they needed to be inconspicuous. Light was very much on the edge of his cuttingly dark personality then, and his eyes more often than not held mocking laughter. He was getting quite a kick out of the whole secretive process.

Watari flew into England separately and arrived only a day after them, though he took a straight route rather than the plane-hopping they did. He'd received the news shortly after they touched down in Italy that Wammy's had burned to the ground. Messages had flooded L's phone as soon as he turned it back on after the flight. Colleagues, Associates, and Watari himself, all full of disbelief or condolences at the loss of his 'home' and base of operation.

Truth be told, it all made L feel quite sick. Until they reached their hotel room, even he would not be privy to the full outcome of the events he'd set in motion, nor the casualties. Ironically, this worked in his favor. Acting was not even necessary as he spoke to those concerned parties and pried for details with an anguished heart.

But... his conversation with Watari was a stressful affair. He'd wanted so badly to not have it be necessary to keep the man in the dark. The misleading and the lying was another dreadful weight upon his shoulders after the task he had just seen to completion.

_'L, you know I have to ask this...' _Watari had said stiffly. _'But did you take your eyes off of him at any time? Any time at all?'_

_'No, I have kept him under constant surveillance.'_ Pause. _'Watari, he could not have done this as he is now, even if the Death Note we confiscated were right in front of him.'_

_'I'm not so sure...'_

Poor Watari who knew nothing of the second note, nor L's trade for the Shinigami eyes which allowed him to know at all times whether Light was clean of Kira's presence...

_'He is no longer the same person. You verified this with your own eyes.' _L refrained from saying that Light had no reason to attack Wammy's House. Doing so would only encourage Watari to look into who might really have a motive...

L shook his head and quickened his pace upon the Inner London sidewalk, Light an ever-present shadow at his side.

---

The hotel lobby was posh and rather dim for midday. Watari's white hair, uncovered by his standard hat, stood out well enough that L spotted him within seconds of entering the lobby. They had chosen this location as a compromise. Watari's room would have been more private, but L was feeling paranoid enough that he would rather talk in the open, in a more neutral environment. Likewise, L's possibly temporary residence would afford the same circumstances from Watari's point of view. However, it was L's avoidance in disclosing the location of the place that truly brought them to this place.

Though nothing concrete had happened between himself and his mentor, it was obvious that the trust they once shared was now off the table. Neither of them mentioned it, but the reality sat in the room with them like a sorely unwanted guest.

L took tea at Watari's bidding - served from the cafe that overlooked the lobby's plush burgundy furniture and thick, woven carpets - but nothing more. His stomach was quite twisted in knots, though his excuse for absconding was that he had been working quite intensely and had already reached capacity in the last few hours.

Watari, a.k.a. Quillish Wammy, looked him over with a practiced eye. "You look thinner to me."

"I admit that I have not been eating properly the last few weeks."

Watari, founder of Wammy's House, a now deceased institution that could only tout burn injuries and missing students in its list of recent accomplishments, frowned. His eyes fell upon Light who returned his gaze inoffensively, but boldly. "Yagami seems not to have had any such problems."

_Of course not._ If Light considered anything to be his temple, it would be his own body, second only to his mind. L brought his teacup to his lips, giving himself a moment to think of a diplomatic response, not bothering to glance at Light as he would only be confirming Light's unwaveringly flawless appearance.

"He is far more concerned with nutrition than I am and has no personal concern with what has happened." L could feel Light's bristling under the surface of his calm facade, taking issue with Watari's insinuation. He hoped that Light would continue to give him the lead as they had agreed upon earlier.

"I suppose it would go against his nature to ensure that you did not waste away in the meantime."

L tensed, wondering how much provocation the brunet was willing to keep silent through. "Watari..."

"Watari-san," Light interjected in a coldly polite voice. "Would you mind enlightening me on the way in which you became familiar with my 'nature', as you so flatteringly put it? Surely you are aware that if Ryuuzaki decides to do, or _not_ do a thing, it is nearly impossible to sway him from that course? How is his refusal to eat any reflection upon my efforts?"

The two locked eyes, and while their faces bore expressions that were pleasant enough, the mood felt viscous and unsavory.

"This is getting off-topic," L said flatly. "You had something specific you wanted to discuss, Watari?"

The white-haired British man heaved a formal sigh and wrested his attention back to L. "Partially, I wanted to see if you were alive, since you have only been communicating electronically since the first time we spoke." He didn't need to glance at Light to make the accusation stick to him. "I also wanted to bring up the matter of an email I came across."

"Email?"

"I was not aware that Matt had contacted you regarding the state of the Institution prior to its destruction."

This information took L by surprise. Had Matt sent copies to Watari himself after the way things went? L was certain that that was the only the older man would have gained access to them, as his security was very tight indeed. "He did."

"And you have nothing to add?" White eyebrows lifted, and there was a stirring of discontent in the eyes below them. "No reason why you saw fit to neglect mentioning it to me?"

"It was a personal correspondence." L realized his arms were crossed. He unfolded them and reached over to add more sugar cubes to his tea to mask the motion. He couldn't afford to seem on the defensive or ill-at-ease.

"About the Instutution **I** founded?"

L decided upon bored obstinance, once a card he played with such ease. "Watari, that is not something that would entitle you to intrude, regardless." He stirred the sugar into the tea with one of the hotel's courtesy chocolate-covered spoons, the picture of nonchalance.

Watari sat back again, the fight going out of him as he was subjected to the normalcy of L's actions. He sighed, watching the chocolate melt into the tea with a defeated but worried look crinkling his face. "L... it doesn't look right. How did Matt expect you to change what was going on? And the state that Mello has been in - I wish you'd see fit to tell me when the welfare of my students was at stake."

L stared at him for a long moment. "And what would you have done, Watari? Roger was your friend. Even if you doubted the truth of what Matt was relaying to me, there are other things about the man that you have refused to address over the years. I saw no use in bringing this up as nothing would have changed."

"It seems too coincidental."

Did Matt send that last email through as well? L wondered. The one that was so incriminating? _'You said you would save him...' _L had to assume not, because if Matt had, there would be a noose around his neck and nothing he said or did would keep it from tightening.

"I agree that it does," L said. "However, Matt's last email to me seemed desperate, as if something were going to happen at any time." _His next-to-last email, that is. _"I thought it more likely that Mello would try something along these lines than Roger... How did he sound the last time you spoke with him?"

"Paranoid," Watari admitted. "Particularly regarding Mello."

"Enough to lose his mind and set fire to the school? Do the investigators have it wrong to have named him the prime suspect?"

"I'm not sure. Roger seemed... almost afraid of the students. If he was really the one who set the place on fire before disappearing, I think he might have killed some of them at the same time."

"It could be that he tried." L chewed on his thumb distractedly. "However, Mello and Matt are among those missing. It is equally likely, given what Matt has told us, that Mello set the fire. It is not an outlandish assumption, considering the incidents of arson that have been springing up, which I believe to be him."

"If Mello is as unstable as we think, there should have been fatalities by now."

"Not necessarily. If Matt is indeed with him, as I suspect, he would be keeping Mello in check."

"Were they that close?"

L frowned. "I think Matt will do his best to keep Mello out of the kind of trouble that will get him taken away... but the fires have gotten increasingly worse. It may be more than he can handle. I would like to find them as soon as possible and keep anyone else from linking them to the damages. If it happens soon, perhaps we can prevent the injuries or deaths that become more likely with each passing incident." L looked at Watari very carefully. "Do I have your approval in this, or do you wish to tell the authorities what we suspect?"

Watari hung his head. "I feel responsible for all of this..." He rubbed his hand over his face. "I'd like to keep it quiet and bring Mello back so I can evaluate him myself... but I don't wish to allow him the freedom to vent himself unchecked and have that upon me as well..."

"How long are you willing to wait?" L prompted, leaning forward.

"How long do you think it will take?" Watari asked.

L looked at Light to get his opinion, and to further impress upon Watari that they were functioning as a unit. He would have to come to terms with the fact that the brunet could not be excluded.

"Within 5 months, perhaps," Light offered solemnly. "It will depend on a number of factors, but if Mello decides to be difficult, I don't think that is an overestimation."

"Agreed," L said. "Is that an acceptable frame of time for you, Watari?"

"No, but I don't like any of the alternatives any better. However, if any of his actions result in death or extreme injury, I may have to reevaluate this decision."

"Of course," L nodded.

"In the meantime," Watari sighed, looking more tired than L had ever seen him, "I will work on locating Roger."

"What do you plan on doing about the school and the students?"

"With Roger gone, I'll be reassuming my old duties. I'd hoped that it wouldn't come to this... that in time the place could run itself and I could rest assured that it would continue even after my death..."

"It was a noble thought," L said quietly. "But I don't know that your vision would have been upheld in the future."

"I've considered letting it all go and having it die with me. Many times."

"Is that what you want?"

"L... when this is over..." Watari trailed off and looked at him with a gaze that was painful to return. Trust and mistrust warred there as the older man struggled with a decision. "When you have brought Mello and Matt back, and we have located the rest of the students...I would like to discuss this again. It may be that the ideal that Wammy's House was founded upon will be laid to rest. However... if the time for that does not seem right, I may try to start again."

"What are you saying? Create something new?" L shook his head. "And how will you avoid the very same thing happening?"

"I think that I got ahead of myself and the ideas I had were too grandiose," Watari said. "If Wammy's is ever reborn, I would like to keep it small and out of the hands of outsiders..."

L stared at the man, feeling without a doubt where this could be headed. "You'd entrust it to the students?"

Watari nodded. "And not just any student... I would like _you_ to succeed me and in turn, choose your successor."

L put his teacup down on its saucer with a wavering hand. "This is all hypothetical at this point," L felt the need to say. The lacquered wood table reflected their drawn faces. What a daunting mountain of trust this embodied. How excruciatingly unfounded it was.

"For now, perhaps."

So that was what the older man had been deciding upon: Trust. He'd been weighing his previous experience with L versus his current feeling of distrust and deciding which to follow. _Oh, if he ever discovered what I have done... and unknowingly, he is entrusting my with the future incarnation of his dream - the very same dream that I reduced to cinders. _"I cannot accept this, Watari."

"I trust in you."

_Don't trust me._ Such ill-fated belief as this felt like cold blades in his gut. "That's not what I--"

"L. You have the ability to do this and are more capable than anyone else I could ever envision for such a task."

L's shoulders knotted. How could he dissuade Watari from this? It wasn't right. Rather, everything was right, logical, and sound except for the deception he carried. He had tainted himself with the Death Note and that could never be erased. He hadn't been good enough to avoid its use and he could still feel the unworldly weight of the ordinary pen with which he scrawled the details of Roger's end and the destruction of Wammy's. He could still envision the dull glow of the lamp that had illuminated the pages of the notebook and the terrible, abominable act of his moving hand. He could not in good conscience acquiesce to such a request. He could not accept such an offer or the culpability that came on its heels. "And what if I do not want the responsibility?"

"I'll give you time to think it over. 5 months."

L closed his eyes in an attempt to shut everything out. He could feel the frown marking his face. "And Light?" Was his mentor keeping that factor in mind? Surely after all this time, he would have realized...

Watari said nothing for a long moment.

So long, that L thought he wasn't going to respond.

"Do you plan on staying involved with him forever?"

L's eyes opened slowly, studying the uselessly ornate patterns in the carpet. _Asking me that even now... ((After I have already risked everything I am...))_ "I believe our business has concluded," he said after a moment, rising to his feet._ Speaking of him as if he were not sitting less than 5 feet away..._ "I will remain in touch." His eyes swept to Light, collecting him with his gaze. The brunet rose gracefully from his chair, a practiced look of indifference on his face, to stand beside him.

L spared one last look at his mentor, and felt a little lost at the disapproval which met him....no, _them_. How did Watari trust him so fully in some areas, yet not at all on others like this...? Did he expect that Light was going to vanish into thin air, or betray him, so that the brunet would not be a player in this new plan that was being concocted?

"A lot can change in 5 months," Watari said.

"Indeed. Conversely, there are things that might never change, despite how one might wish for it." Maybe he was foolish for believing that Light would remain a constant in his life from now on, but he was inclined to treat that as the reality until proven otherwise.

---

They made the trek back to the flat, Light keeping somewhat behind L in a gesture of respect for his thoughts. L had withdrawn deeply into the recesses of his mind, a perpetual frown on his face since leaving Watari's presence. Light wondered which part of the conversation was bothering him most, but he knew that he should not ask. L would tell him if he were inclined, and if not, he was entitled to keep it to himself.

5 months, though. A lot really could happen in that time. It struck Light as somewhat uplifting, for some reason, and he was rather intrigued at the idea of running an institution such as Wammy's House. Watari seemed as if he were intent on excluding him from the offer, but the old man would soon discover that to be impossible. L probably _was_ the best choice for a position such as that... and also appeared to be one of the first children accepted into the institution, therefore having a long history with it. Watari would likely cave in on his stance to keep Light out, simply so he could secure L.

Light smiled to himself.

If he knew L, the oppressive silence the dark-haired detective was maintaining was largely due to his guilt at being offered a position overseeing the new version of a school that he was personally responsible for destroying. It was amusing and rather short-sighted of him to view things that way. Instead, he should see it as an opportunity that he had forged with his own two hands.

The way things were turning out, L had been successful in his goal to disband the school and obliterate the force controlling it, and could help build a new one that would be free of such influences, not to mention freeing the both of them from the axe those people had been holding over their heads.

Light stretched, enjoying the slight crispness to the air and the faint warmth of the sun that peeked out of the thick cloud cover every now and then. He was quite pleased with the Camden area of London, which was where they were currently residing. He wouldn't mind staying here a while. They were close to everything they needed and even close to some things they didn't. He suspected L preferred the area also because it was a short trip to the British Library, one of the largest libraries in the United Kingdom. Sure, the internet was a wealth of information, but actual books could be useful, too. That the place also housed a cafe and bakery made it a shoe-in for holding L's continued interest and patronage.

---

Later that evening, L sat at the rickety aluminum table in their flat, forlornly eating an apple he had no interest in, ignoring the Shinigami who was avidly watching him eat it.

It had only been a little over a month since he'd mistakenly spoken ill of apples to the death god.

Crunch crunch.

Swallow.

He was really starting to develop an active dislike for them now.

_'Apples are for the weak.'_ Why, even in a fit of irritation, he had felt it worthwhile to utter words that would undermine the most useful distraction technique he had for the black Shinigami was beyond him. Not five minutes later, he'd had to eat those words and try convince Ryuuk that he was lying.

_'__Ryuuk, would you like an apple?' _L tried to divert the death god from an unfortunate train of thought.

_'You said they were for the weak.' _

_'It was bad of me to lie like that,'_ L had been forced to say. _'I actually love apples very much.'_

_'How come I've never seen you eat one?'_ Ryuuk asked suspiciously. _'Maybe I'd believe you if I saw you eat them all the time.'_

Crunch crunch crunch.

L felt irritated. _Well, if he hadn't been going on about liking Light and myself and spouting insane things like death gods becoming human...._

_(That was still a tactical blunder you made. Way to plan ahead.) _the voice in the back of his mind mocked him.

"You don't look like you are enjoying that very much," Ryuuk observed, sitting in the chair across from L. His large, hulking form filled the small alcove that housed their humble table and he looked ridiculous and a bit ominous in the cramped, somewhat dingy surroundings. His taloned claws rested on the aqua colored surface, looking grossly out of place.

"I had a rough day," L said blandly, annoyed at the thing's attentive presence.

"It wasn't all bad," Light commented from the very same chair the Shinigami was occupying. L hated Ryuuk's habit of doing things like that. From where he sat, Light's face was emerging from Ryuuk's ribcage. Certainly it was an improvement to the death god's appearance, but it looked freaky.

"Why don't you let him touch the Death Note already?" Ryuuk complained. "Being invisible and stuff is annoying. He always assumes you are talking to _him_."

"That's not true," L said and took another unenthusiastic bite of apple. _Maybe if I covered them in chocolate...?_

"I admit that meeting with Watari was less than pleasant..." Light was saying.

"See?" Ryuuk huffed, leaning his beastly head on the palm of his clawed hand. Light was now obscured. "What a self-centered human."

"Ryuuzaki?"

"Yes, Light?"

Crunch crunch ugh.

"You're talking to Ryuuk again, aren't you?" Light's voice sounded nonchalant but a little peeved.

"See?" L said to Ryuuk. "I told you."

"Ryuuzaki..." Light growled. He really hated it when he thought he was being ignored.

L sighed, knowing Light would want to know what they were talking about. He always did once he realized that the death god was present. It's why L was working further on the skill of ambiguously phrased responses that could apply to two conversations at once. Recaps weren't always pleasant. "Ryuuk was calling you a self-centered human." L certainly wasn't going to add the rest - it would only give more fuel to Light's insistent request to be allowed to see the Shinigami.

If L had been able to see Light's face, he could imagine the outraged expression that would currently be occupying it. Only for a second, mind you. Then Light would hide it and be looking for a way to retaliate.

"And why would he say that?" Light said with faux concern covering the sharpness of his words.

"Don't get him mad at me!" the Shinigami howled. "L, you deplorable human!"

L shrugged. "Don't ask me."

Ryuuk wailed, flapping his wings which spread through the ceiling, and L had to wince as the sound bounced off of the closely spaced walls.

"Ryuuzaki," Light said blandly, "I believe your translations leave something to be desired."

"Mmn," L said.

"He's right!" the Shinigami bellowed. "You always leave things out!"

"Ryuuk's sitting in your lap," L added mildly, looking towards where Light's face should be. "I thought you might not want to know."

L ducked as a flurry of black and the wild jangle of buckles spun angrily over his head and through the ceiling, signaling Ryuuk's escape. Did death gods get embarrassed? Light had jumped up out of his seat and was glaring at L, but the look on his face was rather priceless.

"We can get another chair tomorrow?" L offered, raising his hands up in mock surrender.

Light made as if to choke him, wrapping his long, slender fingers around L's throat. L saw it as a great excuse to abandon his apple.

"Is he gone?" Light asked pointedly.

L swept the room with his eyes. There was no sign of Ryuuk. "Yep."

"Good," Light growled and kissed L like he was going to punish him - pouring his annoyance at being caught off-guard into it.

L wondered distractedly how Light would take it if he ever realized that Ryuuk had been known to watch them in bed. It was probably best if he never found out.

---

**END**

(So read the notes, it's all the more you get)

**A/N 1:** I sort of have a fic brewing in my head that would be seme L and sweet (cough) Light.

Ok, I jest. By sweet (and I use the term with all manner of laughing my ass off), I mean to say that Light would be more like how he was in the beginning of the manga where he was generally nicer and more sane. I also have the questionable urge to write a spoof fic................. *crickets chirp* ..................... but we shall see. For now I will finish PITCH so I will not have any outstanding DN fics, and take 4 of my 7 exams (nooooooes) which will make for a hellish month and then see if I am still alive.

* * *

**A/N 2: **[**Existentialism** is a term applied to the work of a number of 19th- and 20th-century philosophers who, despite profound doctrinal differences, generally held that the focus of philosophical thought should be to deal with the conditions of existence of the individual person and his or her emotions, actions, responsibilities, and thoughts. The early 19th century philosopher Søren Kierkegaard, posthumously regarded as the father of existentialism, maintained that the individual solely has the responsibilities of giving one's own life meaning and living that life passionately and sincerely, in spite of many existential obstacles and distractions including despair, angst, absurdity, alienation, and boredom.] --Wikipedia

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**A/N 3: Because I know I will be asked............. **

Let me just say now that I have no plans for a sequel or a followup. I realize that some of you might be disappointed by the lack of detail regarding the events at Wammy's House, which I can understand, but believe me when I say that that would have tacked on another 10 chapters AND it would have read a bit differently than the rest of aBfSF due to it being plot-based whereas aBfSF is (for the most part) character-driven. I felt that would have killed the pace of the fic. Consider it a creative edit.

If anything, it would have made for a good side story if told from Mello and Matt's p.o.v. but since I don't really have burning inclinations to write them into glorious yaoiness... well, you can see the likelihood of ME crafting that story is roughly... nil. Probably. (Maybe one of you would feel the urge to write something on that? If so, have at it! :D)

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**A/N 4: L's balm for social failure...**

Contrary to popular belief, it was not Light, rather it was **sweets, candy, etc.** that soothed L's failure at dealing with people. If you go back through, you'll see L reach for all manner of treats when the going gets rough.

**THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! :D**


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